Undergraduate / Home Is Not A Place - Issue of Importance UT Austin [2]


When this happened I was in high school, the best days of my life.


This is too long dear... you write very well, but still I don't encourage you to write such long sentences... If you break this up to two or three lines, it would flow much smoother :)

Also ... don't let the reader to remember so many things while reading.... he would find it boring

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Should students be encourge to evaluate or even criticize their teachers? [4]


Some believe that students should be obedient and respectful towards their teachers while others feel that it not wrong for the students to criticize their teachers on proper grounds.


.... this sentence is too long and you are getting distracted at the end because of its length. Try to shorten the sentence and keep one idea to one sentence. The most important things are the clarity and flow of ideas. That gets disturbed when the sentences are too long. Also the reader has to keep many things in his memory and that makes him bored


I agree with jasmine... you should provide more specific examples to support your opinion and it is a very important feature of this task

Writing Feedback / Influence of neighborhood on the growth of children [5]



.... you need to keep this in present tense


.... this sentence is not structured properly... it has a few inappropriate words and your idea is also not very clear to the reader :(



.... what are the similarities?
Well, throughout the essay, there is a problem with clarity of your sentences. They don't convey your message properly. I suggest you to write simple sentences with more simple vocabulary. Don't use the key words that you are not very familiar with. They may give a total different expression.

Graduate / "I woke up with an acute pain in my neck; Public Health-Nutrition(MASTERS)- PS [7]


.... ok... let's have a look :)
In the first place, I think you need to tell them whether you recovered from your sickness... That is not told and the reader wonders what happened next. Tell them what happened, how you recovered, what factors contributed to your recovery, what you learned in the process... try to align all these things with your study objective :)



.... why you got tired? you don't tell the reason for that? I think you need to tell that. Then you say that a professor was instrumental in drawing your attention towards community work. However, there is a vacuum between you loosing interest for nursing and becoming interested in community work. You need to bridge that gap :)

Scholarship / Overcoming Silence: How I dealt with the greatest challenge of my high school career [2]


.... I suggest "dictionary" as the emphasis in on words :) (your's is not incorrect )



... wish you make its tone more relaxed because it's sort of a conversation;
Just think about the new friends and great fun you are going to have there!


.... Well.... I'm a bit confused with this... is this what you though when she said so? I guess it has not come very clearly and you better re-phrase.



.... this is very confusing. I guess you try to say;

However, there was one boy who was neither so friendly towards me nor took a great interest in making friends with me.

Undergraduate / Blindly follow criticisms without evidence? ;Stanford-Intellectual Vitallity [12]

I followed most of your essays and I must say that you write extremely well.... You have a very unique and interesting writing style. I don't find anything here to comment for further improvement. It's well written and in my opinion, ready for submission.

Great story and great presentation :) .... So I made it a "FEATURED" essay :)
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph) The education levels of women in Someland. [3]


Excellent :) ... My suggestion is to stop here and then have your next para to describe what trends you observe ;

It is evident that the education level of women increased remarkably in during this fifty year period. In 1975, there were an equal proportions of women who had first degree and not attended the school, which was 35%. Only 15% of women completed their six years in school, whereas, 10% women finished their nine years of schooling. There was only 4% of women was interested to complete their 12yrs of schooling and 1% of women had first degree.

I hope I gave a second link (the British Council one) to you for this task. I strongly recommend you to follow that structure because it's easy and the site is official :)

Essays / "Happiness"; Exemplification Essay - Writing intrdouction [5]


Well.... you can do a little bit of research in finding facts for this topic. Google for Happiness essays and there are loads of them. Get an idea about the essay structure and pick good points through reading. Do a rough sketch of those points.

You need to start with introducing your topic. Define happiness (you find many definitions and choose what you like the most and with what you deal better).... I guess it is better to mention in the intro itself that " Happiness" is a very subjective concept that can be hardly measured. It varies from person to person though everybody wants to be happy :)

You can identify different perceptions and go on talking about them para by para :) Try to support your ideas with examples. Finally do the conclusion by summing up everything you talked.

Hope you do this essay and post it here.... It's a very interesting topic and we would love to provide you with our feed backs :)

Graduate / "I was ranked at top 0.5%"; SOP - Metallurgical Engineering [3]


Well.... this is pretty direct and clear.... But for a great SOP, I think you need to be more creative. SOP is the opportunity for you to talk to the admission guys personally and they should remember you out of so many applications. In other words you application should stand out others. I recommend you to visit the following site to get an idea about making your SOP a great one...Hope it would help you.

Undergraduate / READING, QUIZ & PHOTOGRAPHY; NUS - ACTIVITY that is relevant to the course [2]

Hi VinayakM,
I see lots of help has been provided to you by Did geridoo with regard to cutting your word count. So, I am not going to give my suggestions in that respect :)

However, I have a concern;


I feel this asks you to talk about some activity (in your case , you have chosen reading, Quiz and photography) that is relevant to the course you are applying for. However, you do not show how they are relevant to your major. Very little, if not at all, is spoken in this regard. Tell them how you relate these activities to intended studies at the uni :)

Essays / Admission essay for undergraduate Mechanincal Engineering program [5]

Hi,
I can suggest you two things to get a start;
1. Read answers to similar prompts in our undergraduate forum; read the comments provided by other people - this would help you with getting some idea as how to proceed with. Make sure that you do not copy contents as you may get caught to plagiarism.

2. Start writing your answers in draft form and post them here for comments and help.
We certainly help students to improve their admission essays by providing comments and editing certain parts. But you need to give a start.

Essays / Common App Essay of Your Choice: How nail polish taught me to work with people. [3]


When I read your description as to what you want to bring up as an idea, I feel you mostly want to talk about uniqueness of every individual.

Again,


sounds like you need to reflect personalities through nail polish.
In general I feel your idea is to reflect human behavior and personality through a bottle of nail polish and talk about your realizations through what you experience with painting your nails.... So, how about a topic like;

"Seeing life through my nail polish bottle"
First have a sketch as to what are the human traits that you try to match with nail polish and then how you interpret them as your learnings that helped shape your perception about the world.

Undergraduate / My fascination for computers began with video games; AUBG/ broaden global perspective [2]


I removed the first punctuation which is not necessary. I think the last part should be taken into a new line because your sentence sounds a bit crowded. This is your opening sentence and it should come with a punch.



.... this idea appears suddenly and it looks a bit abrupt. You should set up a proper link between the previous sentence and this one.
You have answered a very little in respect of how AUBG would help you broaden your global perspective. I think you need to have more emphasis on that !

Essays / "Why education is important." - 1st paragraph ideas / literacy topic [5]


Well, first find the facts as to why it is important. Sketch them down in point form.
Then start writing your first draft; Start with introducing the term "literacy".... You can even start with a good and meaningful quote on literacy. If you google you can find many nice ones. Then define what literacy is and write about one or two sentences to say how it positively influence the development of a person and the human society at large.

Then take your first point in the first para. Expand that idea, discuss it thoroughly and give examples wherever it is possible.
I hope the following link may help you;
envis.maharashtra.gov.in/envis_data/newsletter/envlit/imp_of_lite racy.html
:)

Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph)The average hours of unpaid work per week [4]

You don't specify the three categories. You need to define both X and Y axes : ) It should be done here;
The given bar chart provides information regarding unpaid working hours per week of married men and women those who are without children, with children between one to two years and with children above three years.


....I suggest you to send this line to the next para where you give more details. Start with this and support this with the statistics provided by the graph.

.... Very good conclusion and great observation :)

Graduate / "I woke up with an acute pain in my neck; Public Health-Nutrition(MASTERS)- PS [7]


.... "acute" goes better with "pain". Also, rather than saying "beginning of a new year", tell them which year it is ... for example, 2010



This is my suggestion;
I felt as if my life reached a dead end where I could not direct it towards a vibrant, active and happy destination anymore.


This needs a little more work.... I suggest you to re-phrase it as the idea is not conveyed clearly. Have a more simple tone to express it.... You have a very strong reason to tell them what intrigued you to take up this discipline. Make maximum advantage out of it :)

Writing Feedback / human should esteem and value their pets like family members [5]

Simple, but a Good introduction :)


This is pretty too long.... that disturbs the flow of your ideas and makes the reader bored. Split this line into a few and then the flow would improve a lot


This sounds a bit silly as an idea. I think you better stop at what you said previously. Better give a more specific example in its favor :)

Writing Feedback / Teachers need to motivate their students to ask everything they don't understand [3]


This is a weak opening sentence.... It sounds too abrupt and does not add much value to your topic


"mentor" and teacher are two different roles, though they share certain roles. I found the following definition about their differences in one of the sites;

"A subtle but important difference distinguishes mentors and teachers. A teacher has greater knowledge than a student; a mentor has greater perspective. In this sense, a mentor is more like an editor"

So, you better maintain "teacher" in this essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS：Technology has influenced the way people interact with each other! [5]



... yes... it's happening now ;)


By connecting instantly with the people of every nook and corner of the world
Give specific examples for this point... talk about facebook, twitter :)

Writing Feedback / "Breathe, relax, enjoy life, explore, and worry not" ; What matters and why? [11]


Not at all... I said it with a good spirit.... It's really good to keep ourselves happy all the time... Happiness is the most treasured wealth in the world :)

Writing Feedback / "Breathe, relax, enjoy life, explore, and worry not" ; What matters and why? [11]


I suggest a small change in presentation;
Money, fame, freindship,love, career, problems are things that come and go. ... I excluded "technology" as I felt it does not fit in this list.


.... I changed punctuation to comma


....great.... I wish we all could take your words into heart :)
Interesting .... :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Report on Graphical Presentation ; Quantities of goods transported in the UK [2]

In case I haven't given this reference for you to get help with this task writing. This is pretty good for you to follow :)

Let's check with its structure;
What does the chart show?


As per this structure, I guess the following line can go to the next para;


Hope you can now arrange your essay in this format ... Since it is one of British Council structures, I feel its worth paying attention :)

Undergraduate / My faith and my education; Azusa Pacific U Christian Environment [2]


...if my parents had enough means


...



I wish you used comma for the punctuation here

Overall, I find this is well written... I wish you change punctuation to commas :)

Scholarship / "Knowledge is power", said Sir Francis Bacon; Personal Stament -SCHOLARSHIP [3]



It's good to keep it that way because you may sound exaggerating


I feel the second part (bolded) is not adding much value .... I suggest you stop with the quote and directly link it to how you feel about it;

[i]"Knowledge is Power", said Sir Francis Bacon. I wish to utilize this power to make a postive difference in the world.[/i]


...well.... physics is such a vast discipline, so you better specify as to what sort of research you conducted, I mean the area or the problem.... sounds a bit too vagure otherwise :(

Writing Feedback / Argumentative essay on cell phones and driving. [2]


...it's nicer if you used direct speech;
causing accidents and fatalities.

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS graph) Demand for electricity in England during Winter & Summer [5]

... I wish you discussed about trends in general here, rather than having lots of figures.
Hey.... I found another site, that suggests even better framework for you tackle this task: britishcouncil.org/taiwan-exams-ielts-how-to-prepare-for-ielts-ielts-tips-writing-issue-3.htm
According to this structure you need to end the writing with explaining what these information suggest... I find it's quite a good approach :)
Hope this helps you :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Why we need music? To keep our mind in peace [6]


Well... I see some issue with this idea itself.... In my view, music is not the sound or voice alone. Music has lot to do with rhythm, melody and harmony of sounds. For example, if you play a wrong note, then it would be intolerable. So, I wish if you had given a better definition to describe music.


There are many forms of music such as classical, rock, pop, jazz etc.


The answer is that music helps people to relax and enjoy; it soothes one's mind :)

Writing Feedback / Now day's crime is increasing. Why is this happening? What can government do? [8]

I agree... make sure your post attracts others' attention.... This is very crowded and difficult for us to follow :(


Well.... when I had to refer to the meaning of "umpteen" :D .... it's not a common usage... I wish if you kept your sentences to sound more simple, yet interesting


This is pretty too long.... OMG .... You better re post this one properly typed.... It's really distracting :(
You need to pay attention to grammar too.... Also, it's good to display your vocabulary knowledge, but never use word if you are not confident with them. If you use inappropriate words, they would ruin your sentence.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 (IELTS): The levels of participation in education and science [4]

Hi,
Ok...now that you have uploaded the graph. However, pay attention to what Pahan has suggested.


Well.... I think you need to be a little more descriptive here. Give the reader a broad picture of what these charts show. There are three charts and mention about what they present. The top most graph shows the figures of average years of schooling... However, you have not talked about it.

Undergraduate / My ambitious nature; AUBG admission (Computer Science & Information Technology) [2]


... I began to find my strong desire in acquiring a broader knowledge in the field of computer science and information technologies.
It's good to give some idea how your interest began


.... these are known facts. Better if you talk more about you because they are interested in knowing about you more


This sounds good...


I have been made/ I am being made


Through this work, I gained a great practical exposure in tackling advance problems that made me confident about my capabilities and skills.

Writing Feedback / People resist to CHANGE; Problems & Solutions [4]


permanent progress method? .... well , you idea does not flow clearly :(
From the very beginning itself, I find you are deviating from what is expected by the topic. It is very important that you stay with it throughout your essay. In the introduction you need to say that people have a natural tendency to resist change. It is not said in the intro. Then you need to touch on the other tasks as the prompt suggests. i.e. you must briefly state that this situation may cause harmful results and then you should briefly suggest the solutions. Then your intro would be complete.

In the body paras you need to touch on problems & solutions in detail (you can have one para for problems & the other for solutions)

Writing Feedback / The diagrams below show the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process [2]


Good introduction :)


Pay attention to grammar errors you tend to make.


.... use the passive form!


the concrete is formed and it is ready for constructions.
The structure you follow is excellent. Good vocabulory too... But pay attention to minor grammer mistakes :)

Writing Feedback / Should University education be free for everyone interested? TOEFL [4]

Good editing by William :)


Keep it in present tense, it is more effective :)


you should either say "cost free" or just "free education"


this is too long and therefore your flow is disturbed. Break it up to improve the clarity;
I have observed many interested students have been deprived of pursuing a tertiary education due to high costs involved with it. Therefore they are left with the only option of work.

Also stress your opinion on this issue more directly in the introduction.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph)Social and economic indicators for four countries in 1994 [4]


You better describe the three indicators in the introduction. In this para, you are supposed to introduce the graph and therefore it is necessary to talk about the graphical parameters.


....good sentence :)


Your idea is conveyed differently by using the word "disparity"...I guess you wanted to tell that Japanese and Canadian figures and the figures of poor countries have a great varience.... isn't it?

Writing Feedback / Can petrol price hikes control growing traffic and pollution issues? [3]


You begin with the general description of "private vehicles" and end with refering specifically to "car".



it's the usage that gets affected, not the number of users...pay more attention to the alignment with the topic;
To begin with, it is undeniable that higher petrol prices discourage people to use their private cars.
You display very good writing skills.... make sure you keep a good alignment with the topic throughout your essay :)

Writing Feedback / More detailed analysis is required where the money on Mason City needs to be allocated [2]


....he does not reveal much details about the sample population that has been used to conduct this survey such as the size of the sample population and the how it had been selected.


...but they enjoy watching water sports events....however, if a large number of people show a great interest in water sports, whether they take part or watch, it means there is a great potential for gathering large crowds for such events. Therefore it is important to fascilitate recreational activities for water sports.

Writing Feedback / The three pie charts below show the changes in annual spending by a UK school [2]


.... Good Start!


.... In graphical presentations, it is better to use "had been" and also the passive voice, because you are reporting some facts and data to others. For example;

The teachers'salaries had fluctuated across the period.




... see .... it sounds better :)
Overall, you have done a great job with this graph... This is really good reporting :)

Undergraduate / Middle school for me was not exactly how I expected it ! [4]


Well there is some issue with the flow of this sentence; It's find until to the point I have highlighted. "go coming from" sounds odd :(

Also I noticed you dont have full-stop punctuation in your paras that makes very difficult for us to follow your essay :(


... rather than using "good and bad" to differentiate your friends, I wish you better present it differently. For example;
Meeting new friends of diverse backgrounds


The first time I got into a deep trouble in middle school was a fight.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph)the numbers of workers in 1975 employment sectors of the Freedonia. [4]


....,which had been four times more than female employment levels.


... I guess "four times" sounds better.


In two sectors, female employment exceeded male employment in 1995.
I think you are now almost ready to take up the task :D

Essays / To what extent do you think that advertising shapes society? [4]


Well... if you google on this topic you'll find loads of information on this topic.

A few points for this essay;
1. Advertising is powerful in changing peoples'perceptions; this may promote people to buy products with inferior quality too. (when you write give solid examples)
2. Advertising also educate people about new products. services, value addions; this helps people to be more knowledgeable and aware of latest products, services etc.