Undergraduate / "Almost unable to return home" Stanford essay... Why Stanford? [7]

Moreover, I will not waste my time discussing Stanford's academic prestige as the world is more than aware of the university's standing it goes without saying.

Well written stuff here, for sure. I think you should add some details about your clearly envisioned plan for the next few years. Even if you are not sure, you can express some aspects of your plan as though no discussion of college would be complete without mention of what you plan to learn and do as a professional. After mentioning medicine and language, can you make room to discuss some specifics about your plan?

Undergraduate / "commitment to culture and volunteering" - Why Duke [2]

Boy Scouts and local hospital volunteer work has have enabled allowed me find happiness in the pleasure of others.

Though the previous two reasons fuel my burning passion to Despite my seriousness about attending Duke, there is an abstract twist ...----- this is just an idea I had. Your way is okay, too.

I also had this idea to kill the intro phrase:
Amidst the many fine colleges our nation has to offer, ---I think it seems boring and not helpful!

Hey, you did a great job. The way to improve it, I guess, is to try to find ways to shorten sentences. Try to say the same things but use fewer words, and the essay will be more efficient. It is already good, though!

Undergraduate / "First day of the Congressional Academy" - Gtown Short Essay and U of Mich supplement [8]


Instead of this, you might want to write: I was preoccupied, because it was the first day of the Congressional Academy. (add a thesis statement here, a sentence that sums up the main message of the essay, right here at the end of the first paragraph).

It was the feeling of importance derived from my newfound uniqueness that ignited this fervor and continues to burn to this day.---too complicated
It was the feeling of importance derived from my newfound sense of purpose uniqueness that ignited this fervor and continues to burn to this day.

Undergraduate / Essay on "Overcoming an obstacle" and "Qualities that make me an Asset to UCF" [8]

... man who sits before you now.---I think you should write something other than "sits before you" know. Write something accurate, like ... young man who types this essay now.

Add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph. It seems to be missing a sentence. There is room for an excellent thesis statement right there at the end of that first para, so think of a sentence that expresses the main message of the essay.

comma:
It has undoubtedly made me a better person, and ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "How moving around unexpectedly changed me" UC Prompt #2: feedback? [5]

I'd rather have it be this way: I understood that to make the best out of each situation I would have to find friends for myself. ----no commas, just straightforward and succinct.

Well, all the writing is very good, and I cannot find any that I would want you to omit, but I do think the essay has to be more focused. What is the main message you want to give to the reader? What do you want the reader to remember? I see that you described a different concept with each paragraph, but ask yourself which paragraph you could cut without detracting from the main idea. Let's try to tighten up the focus. Add a few sentences that express a secondary theme of the essay.

Secondary Theme?
"Moving" is the theme, but what other word can also be used as a theme... a word that captures the insight you are describing in the essay. I see that you did a good job of answering their question about what makes you proud... I just think there is room to compound the theme. That means you can add another theme to make this complex and meaningful. Can you think of a "magic word" that is perfect to name the secondary theme?

Undergraduate / extracurricular activity essay - First Aid Squad [3]

I like the intro, and I like the ending. You did a cool thing with the history of sugar highs and a gossip addiction. I think you should be confident in this. I can't find a single unhelpful sentence, and that makes it great writing.

No other position of such gravity is available to a teenager; emergency medical response requires real emotional maturity. --- just an idea.

Put a period at the end of that first line after CHF.
:-)

Undergraduate / "major as mechanical engineering" - Cornell Transfer essay: 500 words to 700 words [7]

My parents did not attend college and was were happy to...

I was able to learn and talk to professors and professional people in engineering and science fields, and my curiosity for science and engineering skyrocketed.

I was the professor and professional in that field to learn more--- what does this mean? Please revise.

This seems like an abrupt ending: I will love to have the privileged privilege of continuing my studies at Cornell University and to graduate and doing great things in the world.

:-)

Undergraduate / "how caring people have influenced me" college essay [6]


If you do something like this, it is probably better to make them all nouns:
The characteristics of a caring person include, but are not limited to kindness, compassion, respect, trustworthiness, and generosity.

But Tan Vi is right! You are supposed to describe a time when you experienced something. I see that the experience you are writing about is being sent to a particular high school, so start by talking about that, not by listing the characteristics, etc.

And also, can you describe one specific situation... a particular time when you had a memorable experience of their caring nature?

:-)

Undergraduate / "Music is my canvas" - help making this essay more exciting would be great. [2]

I feel the Latin word artes referring to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art applies perfectly to this situation. --- much better without including that!

Another great thing about music is the way it allows me to express my creativity and feel true freedom.--- very good sentence. I would use enables instead of allows, though.

Finally At the end of the day when all the work is done, you end up with a one-of-a-kind expression of your mind, soul, ideas, beliefs, passions, and influences.

I think you should change ever "you" to "I"

And change this, too:
It seems true that Through these intellectual pursuits, I c an make something truly beautiful.

Undergraduate / Imagery describing my college campus [2]

Sitting on top of a hill enables one to overlook the beautiful lake with unbridled flows of water that gently hitting against the grassy meadow.

The colonial blended with modern taste architecture buildings of Dallas Baptist University --- this part is complicated! Hard to understand...

Dances is present tense, but this is past tense: reminded me of
So... you should change one of them to be the same as the other.

Leaving the countryside and joining the noisiness of the city nights that were filled with profanity and raging sounds of motorcycles on the busy streets, I was at lost in nostalgia about the impoverished...

A different vital ---- I think it is better without "different."

This is excellent! I was going to suggest lengthening the last paragraph, but I see that you have a word limit.

Undergraduate / "No 7th cranial nerve" - Virus,Mores, Artes. [3]


Tan Vi did a great job of thoroughly analyzing this essay! The part I want to comment on is the sentence above. First of all, "Vires is reflected..." (not "Vires reflects")

Vires is reflected in my life as personal strength I developed throughout all the times I was judged and made fun of because of my condition. I never let it knock me down, i and I shined through it no matter what. I became a strong person through all kinds of Vires. I became a strong person, because I had to figure out how to cope with adversity.

:-)

Writing Feedback / A Life Long lesson Learned [3]


I don't think they all spoke this sentence, so don't use " " marks. You can just keep it simple and write: They introduced themselves to me as Bob, Joe, and David.

allright -- alright

Hey, all you did was relate the story. Can you use it as a source of insight about other aspects of life? Is it just about the importance of drinking water, or can you find some other life lessons to be learned from it? I bet you can make a connection between this lesson and lessons learned in college, for example.

Undergraduate / An essay about music and college life - UCF admission [6]


Thanks! That's good advice. She is brand new to it, so ... yeah... I get to choose one.

I have had many important things happen in my life, but I think going to college is going to top them all. ------ I still don't like this part. If you have serious plans about things you want to accomplish in life, you will write this sentence in terms of them instead of just "going to college." Know what I mean? With a serious vision for the future, you say "going to college to study biology in preparation for my Traditional Chinese Medicine training..." or something like that. "Going to college" is like what a young kid would say, but you should talk about some specific process you are trying to achieve.

This is the only other part I don't like:
I have always wanted to go to college because I would be the first person in my family to do so...-----This is kind of an overused cliche, and it expresses a strange meaning subject to various interpretations. You can mention this fact, but I don't think you should present it as though it is a big deal. Make it so that the big deal is your plan, your vision for the future.

:-)

Undergraduate / ".. after I took a law class" - Penn State Personal Statement [3]

Moving around did not stir my learning capability. I want to get rid of this, because you already talked about "moved" and "moving" a few times.

Naturally, I am a very shy person, but I have always managed to make the best of friends. I've lived in small towns my entire life, but that never held me back from big dreams.---It seems like you are just listing random facts about yourself. I think you should make sure each paragraph explains ONE big idea.

One paragraph = one idea.

That means for an essay of this length you have to choose a two part theme... one idea for each paragraph. They will be related. Introduce the most important idea in the first paragraph, and give a secondary idea in the second.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My life as a Seahawk"- UNC Wilmington Admission essay [5]

They ranged for from the location to the research facilities and the great atmosphere of the school. --- ah, I don't like this sentence. It is vague and wishy washy.

Here is an idea for you:

The location is a Another factor that made come to love UNCW was its proximity to marine life. It's near the beach ocean, which I love, and it's far enough away from home to where I can become a more independent person. And since UNCW has an this makes it an ideal setting for me as I join the excellent marine science program. I believe this will make me push...

:-)

Undergraduate / Tackling the 100 mile hike - a meaningful event, experience [5]


No! Don't say the breathtaking view took my breath away. You have to come up with a different way to end the sentence.

breath-taking, "overwhelming as well as awe inspiring"---- you have too many modifiers. Get rid of some of those adjectives, and replace them with examples... imagery, things people can actually see.

:-)

It's a strange thing about writing... adverbs and adjectives weaken it unless you use them sparingly.

Undergraduate / "Ignorance in Society" Issue of Importance - UT Essay B [4]

no need for spaces with a hyphen:
close-knit

Can you make that first para more concise and ...clearer? I think you can make sentences shorter and less mysterious. Oh, I know the problem... you confused the heck out of me with discussion of living in the south... I had no idea what the essay was really about. I don't think you should focus that whole first para on living in the south. That is not the subject of the essay, just a detail you might mention to help the reader understand.

Again, no spaces with hyphens:
As an impressionable eight - year - old , eight-year-old

I think you should have less story in the middle and more discussion at the end.

:-)

Undergraduate / Application: A.P.A.C - Organization I've participated in outside of my cultural group [2]

For most of my life, cultural differences were not something that I'd nothing I ever paid much attention to. ------my idea for you

I learned about them in some of my classes, b ut they were never really something that I'd experienced firsthand.

... although I felt very out of place being only one of two non-Asian attendees.---- awesome!! And I love it that you kept attending. This is an essay that the AO people will love.

Do this: upon...----> I decided
Upon sensing his nervousness, I decided to stay the whole time with him, although I felt ...

Writing Feedback / "Being Muslim" - UCF Amissions Essay: How my culture has influenced who i am. [3]

Doing...-----> requires
However, doing these certain responsibilities requires dedication and commitment. When I decided to wear the head scarf (Hijab) in fourth grade, I could not back out of wearing it, because I had chosen to wear it.----- well you were only 10 years old back then. When I was 10 years old I was not allowed to make any important decisions, because I was only 10 years old...

The way you described the maintained self-control is very good! Thanks for sharing these insights...

The last sentence is unclear: My culture has taught me that living is only for those who plan on living for themselves and not for others.----- I don't understand the meaning. Can you write this in a different way?

Graduate / "my new attempt to scale new heights" - SoP for MSc in Finance [5]

I like your clear and engaging style of writing! I'll make a few suggestions:

Investment has fascinated me since my teenage years, when my family started to teach me how to manage money during days. when I was attending middle school. See... this is just like Mr. Miyagi trimming a bonsai tree. I try to cut out the phrases that do not help to make your point. The fact that it was in middle school is an unnecessary detail, so I cut it out of the sentence! :-)

Cut out some unnecessary details, and you have room to make more meaningful details. Add a meaningful detail to this sentence:
With my interest in this field, I have determined to pursue a career in the finance industry and hence decided to do a Masters program in Finance.--- Again, I cut out a phrase that is extra. But how can you add a meaningful detail to this sentence?

I have determined to pursue a career in the finance industry, and hence decided to do a Masters program in Finance, and I am particularly interested in ____________.

Add "the" here:
The majority of my previous job responsibilities ...

I wish hope my background and qualifications are found suitable for...

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Human survival will depend on effective measures to cope with ecological problems" [2]


This is a very good, clear thesis, but I think you should list words that tell what the paragraphs will cover:

improving _____ and taking ______
like this:
...human survival will depend on effective measures to cope with ecological problems to a certain degree only, and the most important aspects might be improving education about environmental issues and taking proactive measures to protect the environment.

If you follow my advice (above), your thesis statement at the end of paragraph one will "support" the body paragraphs by mentioning their main ideas. A good, complex thesis statement is like tasty, healthy multigrain bread.

Here is a grammar correction:
This has been proven successful in saving human lives from in the example of Tilly Smith, a 10 year-ol d British girl. She remembered something important from her geography lessons on the warning signs of a tsunami.

:-)

Writing Feedback / The unsuspecting wayfarer [5]


Is that numbness or magnanimousness?

Writing this in second person perspective was a very cool idea. Of the things you have posted, this is one of my favorites, and that says a lot because you have posted some great material.

"There is no sickness, nor toil, nor danger in that bright land to which I go..."

Undergraduate / "big passion about the finance." - admision essay for academic and career goals [3]

Thanks, Linmark, for helping me make sure everyone has responses to their essays! If you use checker, you'll see that we have a lot of these lately!

Hi, lje51etc., this essay is powerful because of your excellent theme... I'm impressed. The intro has a little problem that I can fix, though:

Making a big thing from a small thing. It was common thing of Warren Buffett and Jung Ju young, the people I respect the most.

To make a big thing from a small thing -- this was a common ability shared by Warren Buffett and Jung Ju young, the people I respect the most.

(I think this makes it better, but maybe it is not your style. It's up to you.)

Also I know that I chose my first step as starting at Bellevue college is the best choice. Also, I know that I taking the next step at Bellevue college is the best choice, because ____________________________.

:-)

Undergraduate / China's 60th Anniversary of the founding of the People's Republic of China-common app [8]

Though the hard practice and innumerable rehearsals sometimes exhausted me, the thought of contributing to my motherland's anniversary in person would always fill me with infinite vigor and excitement.---- I would like to see this sentence replaced with a sentence that somehow connects this essay to your career goals.

:-) I like this example! You are adding a cool cultural element to EssayForum.

Happy Birthday, China!

Undergraduate / "a rational thinker" - Biographical Essay. [5]

Well sometimes in moments of naturalness you can write something that really resonates with others.

please check out

essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

also: It seems logical that I hate the indecisiveness of science and that I long to find answers. It seems logical that my goal is to study a science.---- this seems a little too general, like it could be improved with some specificity. the word science is too general when there are many kinds of science.

Graduate / SOP: The importance of opening statement? [4]

Yeah... this is a lot to dump on the reader right at the start...

I suggest starting with a short sentence. Let the reader settle in.

has been a thrilling experience both in academia and industry. ---- this is very general and not very meaningful.

Let's try to get focused on your THEME.

:-)

Writing Feedback / It is a grave mistake to theorize before one has data." [4]

Hello Friend, I do not know what criteria to use to grade you.

Learning a language is like combing the knots out of your hair. You just search for the knots and work them out.
Practice:
In my opinion, all the experiments that are possible should be conducted before theorizing.
And this is even better:
In my opinion, all possible experiments should be conducted before theorizing.

It is an art. Take your time, and adopt the writing styles of people you admire. Do not worry too much about the numbers people assign to your writing samples. Enjoy this process.

Undergraduate / Academic Interests and Colorful Life-- Why Stanford Essay [7]


This is where you fall off the horse. It was going really well until you got here... this sentence just refers generally to your contribution and to the JRBP. Do not waste a sentence being so general! :-)

Know what I mean? Get specific, so that the reader can enjoy geting excited about your story.

In addition to offering unparalleled chances for intellectual challenges, Stanford is where I can further enrich myself out of class. Amazed by new ideas and different customs every time I traveled, I always wish to broaden my horizon----again... very general. Let' start talking about specific subjects so that this has some definition! :-)

Undergraduate / Chicago Supplement - my interests in different areas like films, books, etc. [3]

Hi Chiang,

I saw your essay about being happy, being silent, and it made me want to click over to see what else I could learn from you.

But in this case, I guess I have something to offer you:

The answer to your question has something to do with your purpose. Always start with identifying the purpose you want to achieve, the outcome you want to bring about. If you want to connect with this AO reader, comment thoughtfully on some bestsellers with which she is likely to be familiar. Naturally, they should be related to your field of choice.

Express your unique approach to your chosen field.

If this was my essay, I might cite Yang Jwing-Ming, Thich Nhat Hanh, Deepak Chopra, and Milton Erickson.

Undergraduate / "to do what you love" - Common App - What is really important for me. [3]


I like this a lot.

You get the Enlightened Essay Award. It is not really an award, just something in my head. I can't improve on this; it is already perfect. I am going to link all these contributors to it, not as a favor to you but as a favor to them. Thanks for the lesson.

essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page : EssayForum Contributor Page

Undergraduate / "the charismatic person I am" how Vires, Artes, and Morels reflects my life-FSU promt [3]

Hi Melissa, thanks for participating and helping several people, but I I really need you to offer more feedback than this. If you don't really tell the writer anything meaningful, it is better to let the essay stay on the unanswered list until someone else helps.

I'll give several ideas here:

Othello, what I see here is a common process of writhing around prior to getting into the writing. There is a saying among writers: "Write from where you are." That has a mysterious meaning, but I think you can understand. You wrestled with this and wrote about your experience of trying to write, and finally the writing happened.

So... the real essay starts here:

I picked up my pencil and begin to write my FSU admissions essay. I knew I've compl eted more tedious and vigorous obstacles before, and I still could not understand why I was making the simplest task into the hardest task of my life. I began to reminisce about how I used to volunteer and a local middle school mentoring...

I cut out a lot of the writhing around so that you could really get into the essay. :-)

With the last paragraph, I think you should focus only on one of the virtues and that will make the essay more distinct and piercing.... know what I mean? Just choose one.

:-)

Undergraduate / Computers - academic interest: UIUC Application Essay [4]

Psychology and sociology is something that--not something, things, plural.
Psychology and sociology are subjects that ...

Okay friend, the thing is, you need to scrap all the cliche about liking to know how things work and instead focus on career goals. Read 5 journal articles about the topics that interest you most in your field. Read professional journal articles. Cite those articles, and shoe them that you are catching up with the literature so that you can jump into the field!

:-)

capitalize Internet.

Undergraduate / Backpacking and how it helped me define myself- UC Prompt [10]

Yeah, it's hard not to sound fake, because the point of the essay it to impress... it's the same as dating, really... hard to keep it real when trying to impress.

Undergraduate / "The Importance of One Womans Advice" - UC admissions prompt [3]

Hi Hannah, I like your example, but I know that you can do better. I won't accept it. Do it again, the best you can do it!



Yep, the thing to do is give an intro that expresses a theme in a 75 word paragraph... then write a 100 word paragraph that uses those key words from the prompt to show that you are answering all three parts.. and then finish up with a memorable 75 word conclusion.

That'll be 3 little paragraphs.

Keep that great example as part of it, but cover these bases!!
:-)

Letters / Assistant professor cover letter;Dept of Mathematics @ University of Virginia Tech [4]


This sentence does not help. It just wastes words. Make every sentence count! Think about what effect you want to have on the reader, and tell the reader things that will achieve your desired result.

As a PhD student at the University of Virginia Tech, I taught for several years a variety Calculus courses and I made progress in my research . I believe my background would be useful in your department, because _________________________.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Reflective experience to Peck's inspiring article on struggle in life! [3]

The key ingredient that solved my problem was delayed gratification, one of the four discipline tools discussed by Scott Peck in in "The Road Less Traveled." --- How about this way?

I challenge you to come up with a better word than hypocrite. You can only be a hypocrite if you are judging other people and criticizing them for doing things that you also do. That is what a hypocrite is. What word are you looking for?

The name its self "delayed gratification" means, the capability to resist an
The name its self term "delayed gratification" means the capability to resist an...

...after many trials, because in my opinion its lack of mentality mental preparedness.

In the story "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck writes about how life is very difficult with his advice from... this is a very short paragraph! You should write more about the story.

:-)

Writing Feedback / does high workplace risk render a higher pay? [2]


McDonald's

Improvement of workplace safety does not necessary mean higher ...

I don't think you should conclude with a "for instance" example. Conclude with a statement that considers the implications of what you showed in your argument.

I think the main point is to assert that their reason for promoting safety should not be to save money, and you did a great job of explaining that! All you need to do is write a reflective conclusion paragraph.

Undergraduate / Track and Field -Short Answer Edit for College Application: Extracurricular Activity [3]

Add a comma to this compound sentence:

I never missed a practice or a meet unless it was absolutely necessary, and I never ...

Being a part of a team for the first time was one of the most amazing experiences I had as a freshmen. I love being a part of a team, which actually seemed more like a family. This is a little bit cliche at the end. Instead of saying it was like a family, can you make a clever, unique observation about the experience of being on a team? It will be e3specially great if you can connect this idea of teamwork with the field of expertise you want to enter.

Undergraduate / "Got back to America, resisted religion" - FSU App on "Vires, Artes, Mores" [3]


This intro is kind of uneventful. It does not really say anything that makes me know who you are. If you said you wanted to attend FSU because the head of the psych department wrote a book that was very meaningful to you... then that would really tell me something. Or if you told me your goal was to follow in the footsteps of your grandmother and become an elementary school teacher in Florida, that would really tell me something. But this intro does not say much. And how is FSU better for a Jewish person than another school?

...at my parent's parents' insistence, I went to Israel for the first time this past summer.

Ay At first I was ...

All it took for me to ______ _______ _______ was the first stop ...

This is very thoughtful, but I don't see how it fulfills the vires artes and mores part of the prompt!
:-) Can you tie it into one of those virtues? Mores, perhaps?

Undergraduate / "successful donation experience" - extracurricular activities-Common Essay [2]

Awesome... you wrote with such wisdom that I cannot think of a way to improve the content... and Mark edited so carefully that I cannot think of a way to improve the grammar. Right at the end, here, I finally found a mistake I could correct:

human happiness are the role change between it.

There is no need to write "human's"...