Writing Feedback / Until what age people should be encouraged to remain in paid employment? IELTS [4]



I wish you align this line more with your prompt;


For the first question, you say you wish them to work as long as they are fit to work. Then finish the intro with the answer for the second;

I wish to present the reasons for my view in the following paragraphs;


pay attention to grammar;
one performs / they perform



These reasons prove that age is not the most important factor that determines whether a person should be employed or not.

Undergraduate / "Space vs. place"; Reasons fro Transfer/ Objectives [8]


....No need of "a"


... great interpretation :)


Well you need to connect your space and place with what your college experience. Use the same terms "space" and "place" and link up the ideas. Otherwise the first two lines just end up abrupt :(


Adjusting to college life for me was an issue between this "space vs place" theory. While many of my friends felt homesick as they left their family and hometown, I felt a different kind of homesick. It was not because I left my house in ????, but because I lost the sense of belongingness and homely environment.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph) Immigration, Emigration and Net migration in UK. [4]



.... remember it should be always "period" and not "time". Even if you use the word "time", then it should be "time period".


During this time period, a significant net increase can be observed in emigration and immigration volumes while the net migration level records a very marginal increase.

Better you talk about general trends in the introductory para.


I think you need not to describe the chart in your conclusion. Instead sum up everything said above in a line or two and give a general idea of what you said above.

Undergraduate / I arrived in Guadalajara as naive, inexperienced person; TRANSFER - SOP (U Austin) [3]


Why do you leave this alone? I feel you can include this in the next para. Or at least do not leav a blank line between them.



My new school was very different from the one in my hometown.


...., but I began to feel my speedy progress in terms of knowledge and exposure.


Why do you say "it's safe to say?" ... It sounds puzzling to me!

Scholarship / NTU Scholarship Essay - "My father, the one whom I look up to." [6]


This is my suggestion;
There is no other person in my life, but my father who inspired and motivated me to excel in everything I do.
Also I suggest you to include this as the opening sentence in your first para without having this as a statement on the top of your essay.

Well, you have given lots of descriptions about your father's character. However, I find you have not talked much about how he influenced your character. I mean, not your family, but you as a person. It's important here because the focus should be around you. My suggestion for you is to cut down from the first para and include a new para as to talk more about your experiences with your father. Second para (loosing job) seems ok.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Youth unemployment issue and what measures can be taken to reduce its level [5]



This is what I suggest for the highlighted part;
.... it is absolutely damaging for his self-esteem and moral that may hamper his positive contribution to the society.


As for the measures, the governments bear the highest responsibility of providing the youth with effective solutions.
Good essay in terms of structure, vocabulary and overall presentation. Good Luck!

Undergraduate / An encounter with a Beggar and her starving child; Seattle U - Good Match [3]


... I feel it is better if you present this in a more simpler tone;
From a tender age, I began to beleive that even a single individual can bring about change.



.... impressive :)


This is what I suggest;
I began to feel the need for saving people like this beggar and her daughter from poverty; I realized the importance of making my contributions to the struggle of poverty alliviation in my region where the prevailing poverty rate is highest.

Interesting essay.... Wish you good luck!

Writing Feedback / (Ielts) Most countries develop their economies to improve living standards [3]


Very impressive :)


" foreign" is a better key word that goes with the word "investor"



... This is my suggestion;
This would benefit the citizens at large by providing them with quality goods and services at a reasonable price.


However, it cannot be denied that people keep loosing good moral values along with the continuing economic expansion.

You write extremely well... I think you are ready to take up this task and wish you Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Many people believe that women make better parents than men - IELTS [3]


woman has / women have


.... father's role is as equally important as the mother's role.


However, for me, it seems that women make better parents than men in terms of raising children.


You can also say, women are less egoistic that helps them be more closer to their children because children do not fear expressing their ideas with moms as they feel their mothers can understand them better.



.... children needs lots of emotional support from parents. :)

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue- Effective leader & Highest ethical and moral standards of public official [2]




.... this is impressive :)


.... better keep it singular.

.


.... awesome ending :)
Well written essay. I like your writing style, structure, arguments and facts and examples... I enjoyed reading it and feel you are quite ready for the task. Wish you good luck with GRE :)

Undergraduate / Career in the computing industry ; Goals at Queen's University and beyond [3]


These sound like just statements. Why don't you tell them what your goal is and how Queesn's capabilities align your knowledge and skills in achieving them. That is what the admission guys are interested in knowing.


.... well... I feel you should tell them a more convincing reason as to why you are interested in this field


Do a little bit of research on Queen's programs and talk about them specifically. And then tell things like how you can gain knowledge in certain areas.

Graduate / "There are people in the world so hungry"; SOP - Profile related to energy in a NGO [5]

I like the way you have begun your SOP. It sounds interesting and that is what the admission guys would love to read. They need to remember you out of hundreds of other applicants :)


Another too long sentence :D .... Better break it up so that it would flow much smoother :)
Despite I come from a small town and from a family that does not claim high academic background, my hard work and passion together with my family's constant support led me accomplish my academic goals. I made my way to the top engineering college in the country, Indian Institute of Technology, Delhi to pursue my bachelor's degree in Chemical Engineering.


... very intersting :)
I think you've done a good job. Anyway, you can just have a look at the following link if you need any further guidance for writing an effective SOP. I think what your written is pretty good :) Good Luck!

Graduate / "You can do anything you set your mind to" is my motto; MSc Automation&IT (SOP) [3]

It seems you can write well, there's no doubt about your writing capabilities; this is very clear and direct. However, the SOP should not sound too obvious and extraneous that makes it sound boring. You need to command the attention of the admission committee guys. They should read it with open mind that you are the kind of student they look for and they should remember you out of hundreds of other applicants.

So, I guess you better come up with a more creative SOP that they find interesting. Try the following link for some help on writing good SOPs;

Good Luck!

Scholarship / MS in Energy Operational Management +engergy business related curriculum [4]

Do you have any prompt for this? Or is this your Personal Statement? We can provide you better comments if we know the purpose of this answer :)

Undergraduate / I wasn't a strong testtaker; PERSONAL INFO, HARDSHIPS / CHALLENGES / OPPORTUNITIES [4]


Do you mean that you are still 11 years? I don't get why you included this line and what you really meant by that! May be you can reconsider it or re-phrase it to set up a better link with your next idea.


... I guess the troubles are financial ones.... it's better if you specify the troubles


Let's change the order to have a better flow;
However, I still vividly remember one particular incident that happened when I was very young, but was instrumental in shaping my whole character.


This is pretty good.... It flows nicely :)


.... I wish if you improved the first part of this sentence. It is not clear very clear as to your father was deployed then or now... Some problem with tenses too.... Better re-phrase.

Writing Feedback / "I dont ask for excuses from my BEST TEACHER";ESSAY on what i did wrong with my CA [4]


I do not intend to ask for excuses form my best teacher. You have already forgiven me for my late submissions.


... this sentence has many issues and I think you need to rephrase it all over again. This is what I suggest;
You are without any doubt the best teacher I've ever got.


Frankly, this is the only test I studied so hard.
Well... it is very difficult for me to understand the purpose of this writing. When you make a post, either include your prompt or write a few lines explaining your purpose. Then we can help you better.

Good Luck!

Undergraduate / EDUCATION, a light to one's path; HOWARD U- Strengths/ weaknesses/motivation [3]


Well.... I am not really favor in "formidable" for this sentence, it goes more with "power" than "intelligence". I prefer a word like "competent", "talented" ...etc. :D


Also, I dont find a strong link between this line and your answer. For me, this sounds a bit irrelevant. You are talking about your strengths and weaknesses. So you need to come to that point without diverting to other areas. I feel you better leave this line out.


Self-sufficiency is not the most appropriate word. If you are self sufficient, then you make grow your own food, make your own cloths etc. etc. I think the most appropriate word for your idea is your "independent character". This means you can handle things on your own without depending on others for help.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL iBT ESSAY: ONE SHOULD LISTEN TO OTHERS OR NOT IN TEAM WORK [5]

:D We are happy to help you. The four para essay structure is the best recommended one for this task.

Graduate / "There are people in the world so hungry"; SOP - Profile related to energy in a NGO [5]


This sentence is a bit too long. It is also important that you start with a sentence that can give the reader a punch. So try to make the opening sentence as interesting as you can. Dont give too much work to the reader to remember little details :D

"There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread"... Who said this? Better mention.... It's a real good quote for the start :)

My suggestion;
"There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread", said xxxxxxxx. I come from a middle class family in a country where more than 65% earns less than $2 per day. Both my father and grandfather went through severe hardships to elevate the living quality of life of their families.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL iBT ESSAY: ONE SHOULD LISTEN TO OTHERS OR NOT IN TEAM WORK [5]


.... well... I think the real idea you wanted convey had not come out properly. This is my suggestion;
There is no doubt that it is important for one to think independently and handle his or her work without depending on others if this person wants to be successful in life. However, it is also equally important that this person is a good team player and respect other's views when he or she behaves within the team.



This sentence sounds confusing. The reader cannot understand your idea. I think you better re-phrase it.
Also you need to give specific examples to back your reasons. I dont find specific examples here.

Next time when you do a post, include your prompt as well. That helps us to provide you with more relevant feed backs

Writing Feedback / Five-Mile High Wasteland-An argument essay on commercial climbing on Everst [2]


... this is a bit tricky as it tends to give a different meaning; top also refers to positions other than geographical locations :)


Although the Nepalese acknowledged the necessity of protecting the area, the Nepalese government lacked the funds to afford this project. Therefore Hillary approached the New Zealand government for funding the project. Further, he set up the Sir Edmund Hillary Foundation with the objective of assisting Nepalese people.


However, Hillary did not anticipate the possibility of this place becoming touristic through these airstrips.

Undergraduate / COMBINATION OF FIELDS; Fermilab Internship- Interests, motivation/ Goals & plans [2]


This has an issue... Does not sound very logical.... I find hard to catch your idea :(


In middle school, Mrs Phelps aroused my interest in mathematics by following a more practical approach to present the subject.

I feel you are a bit too descriptive about telling them how your interest grew on science what excited you. In my view, you don't have to give so many examples. But you need to present them with a bit more creativity. Also you better give some more focus on the following;

Undergraduate / My past made me who I am today; HOWARD - Strengths, weaknesses, motivation [2]


I believe my past had made me who I am today.


When he left me, my mother and siblings, I felt devastated.


... strong sentence


This one sounds slightly repetitive of your idea... Let's try some other way;
For a long time, and even still, I have been struggling to comprehend the reasons why he, the same person who showed so much love towards us, cheated us left so painful memories in our hearts.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; More houses are needed in many countries to cope with increasing populations [4]


More than "bigger", I think you should touch on city's development aspect. Actually what happens is that cities develop at a faster rate than rural areas bringing in many opportuinities for the people in terms of jobs, education, entertainment etc.etc... Then people flock there to reap benefits :D

This is my suggestion;
As many modern cities keep developing having new features added each year, many people keep moving to cities looking for opportunities. This has created a major housing issue in modern cities.


People would enjoy more space for living that would provide them with more peace, harmony and enjoyment.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Children taught to be good members of society; from a child to adult [4]



Better use the word " some" because your topic too mentions it like that. That is safer :) When you say "majority", you are sort of committing yourself to defend this claim :D ... Also align your sentences as much as possible with the prompt :)

Some of us believe that it is the parents who should be more responsible of teaching their children to be good members of the society.



... great idea :)
In my opinion, this is a responsibility of not only both the parents and school, but also the child himself.

Writing Feedback / These days couples decide to have children later in their life! [2]


Good introduction :)


Traditional concept of motherhood means that she should devote most of her time taking care of her children.



... when you say "child education", it sort of distracts the reader letting them feel that you are talking about the education of children. This is how I suggest;

Moreover, some believe that raising a child is not an easy task.
Overall a very good essay; good structure, good sentences, good vocabulary :)
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Being polite is the priority to a visitor to avoid embarassment or offense [4]

If you prepare for IELTS task, you need to have at least a four para essay. It should include introduction, two body paras and the conclusion. This is essay structure is important for you to earn marks.


.... align this opening sentence with the topic;
Some people feel that the foreign visitors are required to follow local customs and behaviors during their visit. However, others view that host country should appreciate cultural diversity and therefore the foreign visitors should not be burdened with local customs and traditions.


... varieted is wrong... there is no such word; Try "diverse cultures"

Writing Feedback / Being healthy people have to observe some rules! [3]


In this essay I wish to discuss how people can stay healthy and also about the health programs that are available.


Actually... I think the most appropriate word is not "sport", but physical exercises. For example, a dancer is not a sports person, but he too has a great physique and health because of regular physical exercise he does.... I think you got my point.


I can guess what you try to tell, but your idea comes out in a very different way. This is how you should present it;

For instance, people who does sports rarely get sick because their bodies can resist to germs.

Scholarship / "MALNUTRITION" ; SCHOLARSHIP IN MASTER IN PUBLIC HEALTH NUTRITION [4]

This what I suggest;
I hold a BSc in Community Nutrition and work as a tutor in a midwifery training school. However, my interests are in the field of Public Health Nutrition and I wish to gain knowledge and skills in this field by pursuing a masters program in hope achieving my future career goal of becoming a lecturer in Public Health Nutrition. I strongly believe that I can contribute better to arrest the issue of malnutrition which is a global issue today. Therefore, I am keen on learning which university or organization that offers scholarships for this field so that I could apply for such scholarship in pursuit of my goal.

Graduate / Want to be a full-time professor; SOP - PhD - Materials Science and Engineering [3]


Well... I don't find this line adding much value to your answer. May be it is not strong enough to set up the link between your idea with it.



Overall I feel your sentences are a little crowded and hence their clarity is somewhat disturbed. Try and improve !

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task1 essay "Your neighbours have recently written to you to complain about" [2]


Well... this sounds a bit arrogant and as if you are trying to defend being noisy and they have made some irrelevant complain. I think you need to show more diplomacy here and your letter should be more polite as to not antagonize them further.

I am really sorry about your complain about the disturbing noise from my flat. While I apologize for the inconveniences caused by this noise, I take the responsibility of assuring you that this would not happen in the future. However, I also wish that I should explain in detail the reasons as to why this has happened.

Writing Feedback / Parents Will Always Be Parents; Personal/Reflection essay about parents [11]


...I gradually began to realize that everything they do, they do for my betterment.


.... I feel you should not complicate your idea too much. This is my suggestion;
My parents and I had contrasting views in respect of everything I could imagine.


I initially was very keen on becoming a veterinarian, but I had to give up this idea in order to avoid the bitter experiences arising out of probable disapproval from my parents.

... I guess you better tell the reader about some convincing reasons that they would sure to reject your idea. It's not clear and there is big gap :(

Undergraduate / Women's intellectualism; Smith college transfer - Specific aspects [5]


Yep... what I actually meant was that I found you can bring up your African femininity and strong will. Through that you can show them that you can be a woman leader for your nation in your respective field. As you mention, you need to align Smith's resources and capabilities with the role you intend to build in future. In simple terms, tell what sort of woman leader your want to be in future and how you can influence your nation being so. Then tell how Smith can help building your role. You write very well, and I'm confident that you can present it very creatively :)

Writing Feedback / 'different ways of leading lives' - Children should begin their formal education at a very early age [5]


This does not contribute much to your topic. Start with some idea that gets you to the topic easily. My suggestion;
Different people have different views on how their children be educated.


.... there's no harm in expressing the same topic idea, but rephrase it and present.


... Don't crowd your sentences with the words that mean the same.... That makes them redundant one another and also disturbs its presentation.


This does not convey a clear idea.... I think you should rephrase this


... again , the idea is not clear :(

Writing Feedback / Art is sometimes hard to understand because of our limitation of knowledge [2]


I disagree with the statement that any form of art needs to be comprehensible to most people in order to earn merit.


You need to present this idea in a more comprehensive manner... may be the length of the sentence disturbs its flow. This is my suggestion;

Some people may argue that how could one attach a value to something he does not understand. And they do apply the same theory on works of artists too.


I wish if you be a little more descriptive on this idea, as it is the only one written in favor of complicated artworks;
However, art goes beyond stereotype definitions. Art is about creativity in every sense. Therefore, the true value of an art work cannot be defined using rigid theories.

I suggest you to write shorter sentences when you have very complicated ideas to present. Have one sentence for one idea.... That way you can arrange your flow better :)

Writing Feedback / It is essential to make creative artists feel free to product more new creation [3]



We live in a world of democracy where personal liberty is highly respected. Therefore it is not just the artists, but everybody has a right for expressing their own ideas freely.


Well.... there is one important point you are missing here... i.e. artists express their feelings and ideas through their creative work. So, the freedom that is discussed here should have more focus on the ideas presented by their works. .... This is my suggestion for your sentence;

Artists in particular, are free thinkers and express their views and expressions through their creative works. Therefore the freedom they enjoy matters a lot for the artistic creations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Classmates Vs Parents - Influence on child's future [5]

For this IELTS task, you score marks mostly on your essay struture, sentence organization, vocabulary and presentation. It is good to show your vocabulary knowledge but everything you say needs to be relevant to your prompt. Let's have a look at the opening sentences;


These lines seem out of topic. Your prompt simply asks whether peers are more important than parents on child's future. So you need to introduce this topic to the reader first. Do not write sentences that are loosely connected with your topic. Also this task has a major bearing on time and keeping your writing within the scope is very healthy.

Read essays written on similar topics here to get a good knack about this essay structure.

Undergraduate / Women's intellectualism; Smith college transfer - Specific aspects [5]


I envision studying in an environment filled with smart, knowledgable and competent women who reflect the women's intellecturalism in every respect.


I feel you can capitalize on this ... why not you briefly tell the role you wish to play in your reigion and how Smith environment would contribute towards it by boosting your moral and confidence.... This is just a thought of mine :)

Also you can talk about the benefits of networking opportunities that would be helpful in your future role.

Undergraduate / Science speaks to me; Queens science undergraduate program [2]


Sure.... It's great if you had posted the prompt. Then we know what it expects and we can check whether your answer is aligned with it :)


You talk about science in general and quickly come to dentistry as your specialization. Try to bridge this gap by introducing your passion for your major.

Also, I wish you speak a little more about your major, and how Queens would help you achieve your study goals. You've covered other aspects very well and in detail. That's good, but talk about your study objectives too :)

Undergraduate / QUEENS is my Cinderella slipper; Research done for QUEENS COMMERCE PROGRAM [2]


More often it is very difficult to determine whether we have found the "right fit " with the college and the program until we really begin college life.


However, I have no doubt about that I found my Cinderella slipper at the Queens.


This is good :)