Writing Feedback / AGE GAP IN RELATIONSHIPS IS AN OBSTACLE [3]


... exactly :D


People have preferences as to the person they would like to share their lives with.


well.... personality includes appearance too, but it really does not give the picture of one's characteristics. I think you better deal it with character and appearance. They seem more distinct from one another.


what cannot be denied


However, what is most important for a couple is that managing their differences while maintaing their relationship in peace and harmony.

Writing Feedback / As a child you can enjoy life without responsabilities and worries [4]


When you ask a person to which period of his life he would like to return, naturally his answer would be "Childhood".
Good introduction. Simple and direct. Very good!


.... I changed the punctuation



...or engage in any hobby of your choice.


well... "pure human beings" sounds a bit odd... it really does not convey a message. This is my suggestion;
What is more? Childhood is innocent and free from many adult frictions and worries.

Undergraduate / A challenging experience and what i've learned from it; defining moments for a person [6]



.... I wish if you slightly mention about this desicion because it has not really conveyed in your earlier sentence too.
It was my mother's decison that my father vehemently disapproved. (I guess it is better to highlight the rift between the two)


Have a continuation from the previous idea. Tell how the disagreement of your parents put you in a more difficult situation. Then how you took up those challenges. How you acted to bring in peace between them.

Undergraduate / Elite education for building a career in Engineering; Benefit from education at AUC? [3]


I have been challenged with the mission of finding the most appropriate university for my higher studies in Egypt. However, all my attempts ended up confirming me that American University in Cairo is the best choice for me in every respect.

I feel you need to talk more about your intended major and how AUC is going to help you with that. Talk about its courses, staff, research facilities etc. After all, education is the primary thing you are looking at :)


I am not only keen about education. I am concern about the social life too.

Scholarship / 'City of Refuge' - for full ride: Antioch College- Inquiry, Work, Community [3]


Pressing issues of today and tomorrow cannot be solved by just individuals even they are world class professionals. Effective solutions need sound community programs.


.... This sounds a bit abrupt. What do you mean by "my first year accomplished" ? I feel you need to rephrase this and a little bit more descriptive.


Hey... this is pretty too long.... It's really a task for the reader to keep things mind as to have a link of what you are saying. Try to break this up to a few sentences and get your ides to flow smoothly.


My suggestion;
In June 2010, I passionately got involved the work of City of Refuge Children's Home in Content Gap, Jamaica. This gave me the opportunity to bring everything I leaned in the classroom into application in a practical scenario.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays for many people the Internet is replacing regular books. [6]


This sentence does not convey your idea properly. What you must focus on is that internet acts to replace books. This is what I suggest;

For instance, the reading habit of people has been greately diverted from reading books to surfing the internet in the recent past.


What is your opinion? Your prompt asks you that and you better state your own opinion here. This sentence sounds a bit vague and I wish if you said it more direct;

In my opinion, people will have very low preference for books in their physical form in the future, and would depend on the internet for their references to acquire knowledge.

Undergraduate / "If you work your butt off and stay dedicated, success will surely come" -BEST ADVICE [2]


"I'd never try out again"


Grandma looked patient and slowly pulled out of the parking lot.


"Now that you are given a challenge and if you work your butt off and stay dedicated, success will surely come to you", she said to me. Her words got me to ponder for a while; "Why would I just give up? Why can't I give my best for something I really want? ", I told myself. Her words still live in my heart and whisper in my ears whenever I need courage and motivation to take up a challenge.

Writing Feedback / Existence of plants around study places should be maintained [3]


Having plants in the study environment can bring many advantages. They would add aesthetic beauty to the surroundings by creating a more green and natural environment which provides ideal tranquility for a study mood while providing us with oxygen and shade making ourselves comfortable and healthy.


.... I think you mean the aesthetic beauty they provide... However, the way you have presented does not exactly convey your message and I feel you better rephrase this sentence.


... If you use direct speech in essays, it would help you convey your ideas clearer;
Fresh air provides students with better concentration and stimulation in their study process.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Fish and meat consumption - Writing Task [3]

Hi


Well... I found the following website that offers help for this task and hope it would be helpful to you;
/ielts-writing-task-1.html ....Hope you can access the page. I feel it's a good structure to follow and this is how your answer should be structured;

1.Introduce the graph ....The graph illustrates the trends in consumption of fish and different types of meat in a European country from 1979 to 2004.
2.Give an overview ...While chicken consumption shows a continues growth during this twenty five year period, fish and other types of meat show a declining trend in their consumption levels. However, the declining trend of fish had been at fairly a moderate level in contrast to sharp declining trends of Beef and Lamb consumption.

3.Give the detail .... here you must discuss details of the graphs with more data and statistics.
Hope you now have an idea of how to structure this answer :)

Undergraduate / Integrating to Queens community/ Participating in DECA& QEC - My goals for Queens [4]


I suggest you to start with some unique features of Queens and then integrate them with your goals. For sure, you need to have more emphasis and focus on your goals. But I feel it would flow better if you begin with what Queens offer and how you are going to make use of them for reaching out your goals.


I like this ... sounds like a feasible goal :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; "Prevention is better than cure", However issues need to be addressed [3]


Well.... this is your introduction and I find it is a bit out of topic. You need to talk about "prevention vs cure". That's the theme and although health is an integral part here, you are supposed to introduce your theme to the reader and not something relating to that. Also "health" has a very broader meaning and you should narrow it down to what your topic requires.

Also it is better that you state your opinion in the introduction itself. That helps you navigate the examiner in your desired direction.



.... I don't get this idea :( ... I feel you better re-phrase this

Undergraduate / Patience, Persistence and perspiration ;SOP for Masters in Germany - LETTER OF INTENT [3]


...."my" is getting repeated within close intervals.
My suggestion;
Since young age, I had always been inspired by learning new things.


I took serious interest in understanding how certain mechanisms around me worked. Be it a simple bicycle chain or an automatic transmission in cars, the logic involved in mechanical sciences kept intriguing me.


... the first part sound a bit repetitive since you explain about that in your previous para. So, start straight away with the society;
However, my first serious exposure to the science and technology began with my enrollment into Bangalore Higher Education Society, one of the best pre-university schools in Bangalore accepting only the secondary school graduates with the highest degrees in the capital of state.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph)Time duration and Severity of acid production by three sweet products. [2]


It is clear from the graphs that intake of sweet products increases acidity in the mouth that lowers the ph level and when this level falls below 5.5, it can cause tooth decays. Consumption of sugar cane shows the highest tendency for causing such tooth decays while fruit sugar shows a moderate tendency and honey shows the lowest.


I think you have improved a lot in this task.... It's now interesting to read your graphical interpretations'

.

Undergraduate / I am choosing Japan to continue my further education/ Reasons to attend APU [2]

This is not badly written... But I wish if you presented it in a bit more creative manner. As it is, it sounds a bit formal. Tell them why you attracted to this program in a more convincing manner. Talk through your emotions and experiences. For example, if you tell them about some experience that caught your attention on Japan that is much more effective than just declaring that Japan is a great country.... Hope you got my point :)

Also, it took a while for me to locate in what stream you are going to major. I think you need to give more prominence to that fact. So I think it should pop up sooner and not later.

Writing Feedback / born with talents - children could be an outstanding individuals [4]


My suggestion;
People hold different views about whether certain talents of children are inborn or can be trained.


This sentence has a few issues; grammar, vocabulary and alighment of your idea. I have marked the grammar corrections in the quote. Also, I feel you need to align your idea more with the prompt. If the prompt says that some believe people are born with certain talents and others believe those talents can be trained, then you need to present it like;

In my opinion, I believe that while individuals possess certain inborn talents they can also acquire some talents through training.

Writing Feedback / In the past, buildings often reflected the culture of a society- IELTS [6]


... small typo :)


... This sentence is incomplete and abrupt. You don't have an issue with a word count and can have as much as words in your essay :D

So don't write too short sentences that disturb your flow.... Up to this sentence your introduction flowed nicely :)



cities should maintain their identity and cultural heritage at least to a certain degree.

Writing Feedback / Going overseas for university study is an exciting prospect for many people. -IELTS [7]


"Today" and "modern" mean the same and one makes the other redundant.


every student / all students
I feel it is better to express your opinion more direct without being passive;
In my view, it is safer for every student to continue education in home country. It helps them avoid high costs involved with foreign education while giving them more freedom to dedicate their time for studies.


Here the issue is actually not the financial constraints; it is the time they are left with to devote for their studies. They need to both work and study if they study abroad where as in home country they can have their time only for studies. I feel this is the point you need to bring up.

Essays / A picnic turned out a disaster [4]

Well.... Start with the beginning ; How you planned this trip and how eagerly you looked forward to it. Dedicate one full para for this. Then talk about the moments how it began to turn negatively. Explain them in detail. Talk about the experience, challenges etc.etc.

I feel this type of writing needs lots of creativity and you just cant follow any stereotype format. I suggest you to do the first draft and post it here so that we could provide you with comments to improve.

Essays / introduction of essay about technology . [4]


Well... I can see others have given you good feedback as to how you should get going with this. The following suggestion by kurianjoseph is excellent;

As he suggests, you need to introduce your topic theme. kurian has done it with the first two sentences. Then he brings up the argument in the third sentence and sets up the link to flow into body paras. So, this is a good example how you should do your intro. Do it yourself and post it here and we would provide you with our comments to improve.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - CHANGE IN LIFE IS GOOD OR BAD? [4]



human wants/ human want


My suggestion;
If one wants to pursue something, then he should break barriers that hinder him reaching out to his goal.
For this IELTS task, they expect you to support your reasons with specific examples. In this essay I don't find them. I generally recommend the four para essay structure for everybody who prepare for this task. i.e. Introduction +2 Body paras (Reason+ Specific Example) + Conclusion

:)

Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph) Population of turtles in India [6]


This is good. You have attempted to give a background idea about the trends in the introduction. However, try to organize the trends in a certain way. I mean first talk about the most general patern. (less detailed) In this diagram you can observe Olive R has a has an upward trend in growth, LeatherB a sharp declining trend and the other two margianl upward and downward. So, just tell this most obvious observation first. That's a smooth start. Then in the next para, take each trend and discuss them with more facts and figures. (more detailed)

Letters / Indefatigable efforts/work ethic / ability to self-improve; Letter of recommendation [3]


Being his mathematics teacher for three consecutive years, I watched his amazing progress, in both academic and personal.


You said about this relationship in the earlier para and therefore I think you don't need to repeat. This is my suggestion;
In my teaching career, I have come across only a few students who are extremely brilliant and kindhearted and xxx is one of them.
If you can tell them about any of his special contributions to the school or community, that's great :)

Scholarship / Children with special needs; Health Care Scholarship - Why counseling or health care? [3]


I think this you can present with more creativeness :)
I love children and really look forward to making my contribution for a positive difference in their lives. This is why I am keen on a career in pediatric occupational therapy that would enable me to brighten up the lives of children with special needs.

This is awesome ... very well presented.


Further, I am very passionate about teaching others and occupational therapy is just the right thing in this regard.

Undergraduate / IMPACT OF HOCKEY; UW seattle - PERSONAL STATEMENT [3]

My life story unfolds a story of a man who took up some impossible challenges through perseverance. Being born deaf and developing a speech impediment until I was six, I was challenged as to how I would save my life from the label of "disable".

You have a very interesting story and it's really inspiring too :)
You really deserve admission... GOOD LUCK!

Undergraduate / QLEAD delegate; Queen's Commerce Prog - Research/ right fit [2]


Growing up with a father who is a serious stock trader, sparked my curiosity about the world from a tender age.


.... and my interest began to grow deeper when I took up the courses in marketing, financial math and entrepreneurship.



Your prompt specifically asks you to demonstrate the research you've done on this program. So, you need to elaborate on that. Talk in more details about how you proceeded with finding out about the program. How you tested the reliability of those information; what information specifically grabbed your attention etc.

Undergraduate / WANT TO EXCEL; U Washington Transfer-Personal Statement; Electrical Engineering Major [7]

Okkkk... let me tell you my true feeling; I don't say you write bad, but I feel you need to organize your flow better. For me, things sound a little sporadic and scattered here and there. First work on the structure of your answer. Have a sketch of what you are going to tell them first, second, third and so on. Align your answer as much as possible with the prompt.

As per the prompt, I feel you better start with talking your education; your interests and path (how your passion arose and how you pursed it), challenges, achievements etc. In this regard, I think you it's better not start with the US experience. Instead you can come to that a little later when you talk about the challenges. This is just my suggestion and may be you can come up with a better flow for your answer. As it is , I feel you need to attend to this a little more. Happy to help you if you need :)

[

Speeches / SPEECH; My great grandfather Georg of Riga [2]


When I was a little boy (or girl :) ) I remember my father telling me stories about his grandfather's young days.


He was one of the few boys who fought for Latvia during the Second World War.


The war left him deaf in one ear. Not only that, he nearly lost one of his legs by trampling a landmine, however, he was fortunate to survive without a major damage.


He met her while he was fighting? Tell how they met ... Otherwise it sounds a bit abrupt


Last year they celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary.


The old couple is still blissfully married and enjoying their old age in Lazdona.

Undergraduate / WANT TO EXCEL; U Washington Transfer-Personal Statement; Electrical Engineering Major [7]

Ok.... I didn't get this picture when I read it. For me it sounded somewhat confusing. So I feel you better attend to that :) ... Also I doubt whether it is worth talking about your childhood US experience.... For me, it sounds a bit out of topic and does not add any relevance to your answer.


Attending college in the US was a quite a tough decision for me. I had to leave my parents as well as my comfort zone and look after myself on my own. So I enrolled in Shoreline Community College and took part time classes and worked mostly full time.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Second Language should be compulsory for all children? [4]


.... I think it's better you talk about the main idea about globalization. i.e. globalization has brought different nations together through technology, trade, education etc. So, today people do not live in isolated pockets but mix with each other in a great way. Therefore learning other languages would be a very handy thing for modern people in contrast to the older generations.

Speeches / School is a temple of learning ; My School Plans [6]

Also, we spend the most of our childhood in the school environment and therefore the school has a great influence on our future success. However, as students we need to be wise enough to reap the benefits of our school lives. For me, I look forward to achieving a few things during my school life;


First of all, I intend to be a more organized person in my school activities. So I try to stick to a proper plan that helps me manage time for all my day to day activities.


.... The first part of this sentence sounds like you are criticizing others. I wish if you left that part out.

Scholarship / Chinese songs/ Chinese movies and cartoons;STUDY PLAN- CHINESE GOVERNMENT SCHOLARSHIP [2]


It helped me capture a glimplse of Chinese culture, art and its people that gradually nurtured a love within me to know more about this astonishingly different charming country and its people.



Learning foreign languages always did inspire me, so I chose linguistics for my major.

Undergraduate / Inspiration at the Hospital- University of Washington Transfer Personal Statement [4]


When I was a kid, I remember my admiration for the dentist whom I used to visit for getting my teeth cleaned. I was so fond of his attentive caring manner that inspired me also to be caring and helpful to people when they are sick. As time passed by I developed a strong passion for becoming a doctor

I feel you need to attend to the first para a bit more. Tell how your passion developed through some experience and not just by statements. Whatever you tell should sound more realistic.

Undergraduate / WANT TO EXCEL; U Washington Transfer-Personal Statement; Electrical Engineering Major [7]


Well...you start with telling the reader about going back to the US . Then you say that you left the US at the age of four. Again you say that you lived without parents.

So, the first thing that comes to the reader's mind is whether a four year old can have enough memories of US to acknowledge your claim. Again it sounds confusing when you say you lived without your parents after returning to Thaiwan. Things don't seem to fit in with each other; I feel it's better if you try to re-phrase this and present it slightly differently.

Undergraduate / Transfer Upenn supplement - Benjamin Franklin quote. Multi-dimensionality [4]


... Strong sentence... awesome :)


.... this you said a little while ago and hence sounds a bit repetitive.( I mean the highlighted part) Let's try some otherway;
Living far away from my loved ones, I began my solitary life in a basic basement apartment in the metropolitan Washington,DC. I learned to look after myself, became very independent and made a handful of friends in school.


It was no way a simple move, but one that was crucial for realizing my dreams.


Hope you do not have an issue with the word count. :)

Undergraduate / Out-of-State University ; Transfer- What excites me about GW Commnunity [5]

I think you've done a good job :)

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Who is more influential in children: Parents or Classmates [3]


children get influenced by both classmates and their parents.



Young children spend more time with their peers than with their parents. Therefore the peer influence is stronger on these young children than that of their parents.


Well.... I think you need to discuss this from the point that how peers influence each other. These sound as reasons but not as specific examples. For example, you can say that you tend to dress what your peers like and not what your parents like.

Undergraduate / My best friend, The person who has inspired your life the most [3]

Well.... I guess this is for your common app... If so, this sounds too vague and does not divulge any information about your personal interactions. You do not tell them how she inspired you . What qualities of her that you found inspiring. You need to tell them how this person impacted your personal and emotional growth. Those things you need to present through the real life experiences you had with her. The admission committee would judge you through the story you are going to tell them. So have you in the middle of this story and be more specific and descriptive.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2 ; "that all students should learn a foreign language" [4]


... "At present" makes "modern world" sound redundant. Therefore you need to have either one of them.


.... connect the two lines with "while"


... I added "better exposed" because if children are literate with a foreign language their world gets expanded allowing more opportunities for exposure.

You write well and have good ideas too. However, it is better you support your reasons with a more specific examples. That's the easiest way to convince your examiner about your point and also to earn more marks :)

Writing Feedback / AGE OF GETTING MARRIED ; NEGATIVE & POSITIVE ASPECTS [3]



.... good point :)
First, young couples are not matured enough to control their emotions and this is the beginning for many serious marital problems.


.... This sentence does not deliver your idea properly. It's difficult to sense what you are trying to say :(


Moreover, very young girls are not biologically ready with their bodies to bear childbirth. This situation can have serious risks on both young mothers and their babies.

Writing Feedback / There was a gradual slight drop in the sales of CDs during this three years period (2000-2003) [5]

Hey Tessy.... You provided me with a good insight as to how to tackle this task. Actually I have not taken IELTS, but TOEFL and I was just advising you on my own. With your question above, it sparked me that I need to get you the right info and if I've been giving you of any kind of misleading advice, I'm really sorry about that. (I still feel I have been on the right track as per the following guideline I'm going to quote to you in a while) In fact my suggestions reflected how I personally tackeled my Stat interpretations ....

However, I found this guideline for you by googling;
ieltsbuddy/ielts-writing-task-1.html
Hope you can access the page.