Scholarship / A topic that intellectually excites you about 'speciesism' - Scholarship essay [10]

The essay is very focused already. It's good. You know as well as I do whether there is anything that should be taken out, because you know that an essay is supposed to create an experience for the reader. As you take the role of the reader, what experience does it give you?What message does it send? that is how to proceed. :-)

Undergraduate / Role-playing games + Manga: (1)My personality, (2)My Experience = UI@UC Essays [4]


This is a very good sentence!

Hey Mr. Rogers, I think your opinion seems pretty professional!

...a perfect strategy I am able to be used use in real life and the virtual world.

Let's get rid of the vague word 'thing'
If there is one message my parents amplify about college it is that time management is everything.

In the future, please start a new thread for every different essay! :-)

Undergraduate / 'who I befriend' - First Impressions - FSU Essay (Vires, Artes, Mores) [3]

I'll add some commas to this:

As my mom used to say, "Dime con quién andas y te diré quién eres," which means "Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are."

Moral strength can be determined in seconds after starting a conversation with an individual. Whether they talk about the news or the weather their tone of voice will convey their true feelings. I believe that to truly have a good amount of moral strength one must speak and act accordingly. For example, speaking in a warm tone and helping others whenever possible is a good display of moral strength. --- I think it's better without that extra sentence in the middle (which I crossed out). But also... is it true that tone of voice can reflect moral strength? I think someone can have moral strength even if their tone reflects fear or unease.

Crude strength often beats true strength in the moment, though in the end true strength, signified by Vires, holds steadfast.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I shaved my head for the Saint Baldrick's Foundation" -Common App Extracirrcular [4]

While most teenagers would be unwilling to shave their heads, I, Proudly and humbly, I shaved my head for the Saint Baldrick's Foundation. ---- I think it is presumptuous to assume about what other students would be unwilling to do.

The Saint Baldrick's Foundation, a pun on bald and St. Patrick, ------ What is this: a pun on bald. I think that part is unclear.

...is an organization dedicated to eradicating childhood cancers--- a worthy cause!

Did you mean to type grade school? What grade levels? I wonder if you meant high school. I don't know if grade school is the best term to use.

If there is any way I would want you to change this, it would be:
Condense it to three sentence. One is about shaving your head to support eh chemo patients, the next is a reflective statement about the insight you gained, and the third is the sentence about founding the event at your school.

That way, you will have room to write even more meaningful sentences about the implications of this, how it connects to your career aspirations, and so forth.

Oh...ha ha... I just finally figured out the pun!!! Maybe I am just slow-thinking today... :-)

Undergraduate / Struggling with Economics - UChicago Essay [4]


Cool, this kind of detail sets you apart in a category of clever writers that the AO reader really must appreciate a lot...

I say don't worry about mentioning extracurriculars. This was inspired when you wrote it, and it conveys a process, letting the reader really share your process of developing this interest.

For this essay, I prescribe:
Mention the name of one professor whose classes you look forward to.

Undergraduate / An essay about music and college life - UCF admission [6]

I have always wanted to go to college because I would be the first person in my family to do so. cliche! Don't start with a cliche. So many students say this. You can mention that no one else went to college besides you, but don't let it be the intro sentence for the essay.

UCF was the first college I toured--- why mention this? Makes it sound like maybe you chose the first school you saw.

and when we drove onto the campus it felt like I was in a huge city whose purpose was to educate all who live there. This sentence is something that you could say about any school...

Our tour was led by students who were very passionate and knowledgeable about the different programs. --- good!

I am interested in pursuing a degree in the engineering program, and when we stepped into the building I was impressed with all the projects that were on display. ----- good, but what kind of engineering?! I want to know more about your plan!

There were pools and hot tubs where any of the students can relax in their free time. ---- this should not be one of the points you mention! Besides, they already know what the campus has. Write about your intellectual interests.

I always remember it being very difficult because you have to coordinate both of your hands to play two totally different things (what is the music term for this?) Oh, I know... do this.. to play two totally different sequences of notes.

I get to teach a bunch of new people how to play violin. ---- cool!! I want to buy my little sister an electric violin... any brand you recommend?

:-)

Undergraduate / My mother's strength (Vires) [3]

Hi Chelk, I notice the great feedback you have ben giving people. Thanks! We have had a lot of essays to correct lately, and it helps with members give good ideas that really help.

Actually, though, I think Carlyn does a good job of making the reader wonder during that first paragraph and then explaining in para #2 that it was cancer. It is very good this way already, I think...

I kind of like it that you did not talk about the three virtues as students often do. Some students just say, "I play sports, and that is my vires," and that is superficial.

I hope you are able to give this essay a title. I think the title should be
An Essay about Vires

Hey, I am confused at the end... the cancer came back? I hope she is okay...

Undergraduate / Hockey, the game and sport and my passion; PERSONAL STATEMENT [3]

Hockey. A game, a sport, my passion. Too dramatic! Show, don't tell. Show them through example.

Since six years of age I've been playing hockey and progressed tremendously as a very well rounded player. ----This is a good start, but it is good advice you got from chelk: create something to hook and intrigue the reader.

This talent I have been given was not just my own effort, but from the love and support of my family. Both my parents are such substantial influences on me, and I would have never acquired any interest for hockey or many other sports if it was not for their constant push to strive and be the best that I can be.

Traveling was a have to when it came to playing on a travel team. obviously!

Going all over the United States, and even to Canada, on the Travel Team caused cost a lot of time and money which ...

That last sentence of the essay is maybe a little too boastful, and it is also too general and vague. I think you could leave the reader with "something extra" to think about at the end... something more meaningful than this reaffirmation that you owe gratitude to your parents, because you already made that point.

:-)

Undergraduate / The next puzzle piece- University of Chicago question 1 supplement [5]

This has some great content, but please add some sentences that tell more about your plan! You only told a few small details about your plan, and it is not very well developed in this essay. In fact, you have 2 sentences that assert that you are always oriented toward your plan, and I think you could just revise those sentences so that they specify things about the plans. you probably have a good plan in mind with 4 or 5 details... even if you are not sure, let's add to this essay.

I see some energized, inspired content in the second half. Don't take out any of that very eloquent material! It's very good.

Undergraduate / "to save a crucial ecosystem" - issue of importance [3]

Wetlands are essential parts of our ecosystems. --- I changed this, and I also was thinking that you should maybe acknowledge that a wetland has several smaller ecosystems within it.

They protect against floods (no ned for comma) and purify surface water. They are unique and are home to a diversity of animals.

...a purpose besides emitting a horrid odor and attracting mosquitoes. -- ha ha, nice job...

Animals that require large areas have nowhere to migrate, and start inbreeding, creating a genetically insufficient animal population. ---- I think genetically defective would sound better.

Undergraduate / "designing and arts"-How your education at AI will help you attain your career goals? [2]

Fashion designing is a piece of art, can be expressed by attitude and manners on the way of dressing. ---- this first sentence confuses me. Fashion design is a form of art... --- that is how I think you should write it.

Fashion design is a form of art, and it can be used to express a certain attitude.I am passionate about arts, especially when my mind is having imaginations of vision images that needs to come out, and this makes me excited to think that this idea inspired me for what I am passionate; this reflects for who I am and what I want.

Attaining a career that I want is a goal I commit. --- I think this sentence does not help and should be left out of the essay.

Working with a professional designer and being an apprentice is a dream of mine; I want to learn more ideas about them that can inspire me. I found that Art Institute of California- San Diego has the...

Let's try to say something specific about YOUR specific goals in that last sentence of the essay. The last sentence does not really have much meaning.

Let's see another draft! Thanks for participating in EssayForum.

Writing Feedback / It is a grave mistake to theorize before one has data." [4]

But, they don't come to theorize before one has insufficient evidence.

But, they should not theorize before they have sufficient evidence.
or
But, one should not theorize before she or he has sufficient evidence.

You can choose either of those (above) examples. But do not say "they should not theorize before one..."
you have to say "they should not theorize before they..."

Also, they have to know the valid expiry date. --- I do this:
expiration date
But maybe in some places people use the word expiry? I think you might be right.

The pharmacists distribute the prescription drugs to individuals.

In my opinion, all the experiments that are possible should be conducted before they theorizing.

So that, it cannot make grave mistake".
That way, they will not make a grave mistake.

:-)

Undergraduate / how hawaii has fueled my interest for stanford [5]


Sounding a little brochure-ish here!

How about if we revise this so that it does not talk about the nice aspects of the school, but instead specifically how the school's programs and resources will help you to achieve3 your goals.

If you are not sure about your goals yet, just set up some tentative ones. That is always a good exercise. Do that, and the essay will reflect your vision for the future.

I really like your last sentence and several other sentences... you have a great writing style! Use it to help good prevail in the world! :-)

Undergraduate / common app experience. "changing lives one build at a time' [4]

Use an action verb at the start, here:
"Today's temperatures will reach a high of 98 degrees with a heat index of 115 degrees." Oh no, I thought. A prediction of a particularly hot day was the last ...

I think this really needs parenthesis:
I never knew how bad the damage was (and still is).

I feel grateful for all that I have and look for new opportunities to help more in New Orleans.--- this last sentence is sort of dull! Sorry to say...

:-) But I bet you can come up with a good one to replace it.

Writing Feedback / 'Lose your concentration, lose the game': Extracurricular Activity [4]

The sheer technicality and precision required in every shot make this a sport where discipline of the mind is of the highest priority.

Hey, what do you mean by "pioneered?" Did you get a club started? If so, give a sentence of explanation for that, because it is one of the most important parts of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Supplement-Chemical Engineering [4]

Since the day I could walk I loved to create.--- this sentence seems wrong. It is not specific, and it arbitrarily references the time you learned to walk. I think you can give an intro sentence that is better... What comes to mind? Get inspired!

For this part, consider using a colon:
But during the past two years of high school I found a new love: Chemistry.

Wow, your intellectual interests are impressive.

Is there room to write some more? It seems like you could add another conclusion paragraph, so that this last paragraph becomes a body paragraph. If there is room, write a conclusion that considers the implications or tells about your outlook for the future.

Really, though, it is impressive that you feel a sense of certainty about Chem. Engineering.

Research Papers / PHD Research Accomplishments (Computer Science), how to start? [2]

This is a tough situation. It is hard to fake this sort of thing, but you probably should try to write something so that you have a competitive application.

Didn't you have to write something for the masters degree? I wonder if you are setting your standards too high for this part of the application. You can write about any papers you have written; surely you have written some papers related to your field. That is what the "research accomplishments" are.

If you really have not written anything, maybe you will have to write something and publish it to the Internet. Put in some time, and write something excellent if necessary.

But really, I think you must have some research accomplishments you can write about! :-)

Writing Feedback / The Dummies of Today's Society. [2]

... for example, violence manifests as shootings, sexual assault, and war zones.

This essay is much better than I thought it would be. I looked at the word dummies, and I thought the essay was going to be low quality. I really recommend experimenting with other words that you can use instead of dummies. However, that might be the best word. I just don't like the title. Today's Society is kind of a cliche. I sort of think it might be best to write something in the title about overprotective parents, so that the title reflects your theme.

I don't think it is the word dummies that is not good; I think the title just needs to be changed so that it does not say "today's society" and so that it says something about overprotective parents.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The Party" National Merit/Common App Essay [6]


Can you give a sentence to explain a bit more what you mean? This part confused me.
I understand now, but I did not understand until I had read the whole essay.

"The Albanian throne was once mine". Angela, the patient, had once been part of the ruling family as the princess of Albania.---- wow, fascinating!!

At the time, the story was as chilly as the weather outside, and it still gives me goose bumps when I think about it. ---- this is a good simile, and I am impressed by your eloquence. I added a comm, though.

In debate, when arguing a case I can now anticipate rebuttals from the opponent and plan accordingly. --- excellent, it is especially good when you say something to geta rebuttal to which you can quickly respond by making an excellent point.

:-)

Undergraduate / "To make my dreams come true" - Essay on FSU admissions on Vires, Artes and Mores [4]

I don't really like the beginning or the end. I think you can do a better job of expressing a memorable theme. Know what I mean? The intro and conclusion just have general claims about your values, which i guess happen to be the same as the vires, artes, mores values? But the thing is, you need this essay to be about some concept.

You wrote about basketball and Christianity, and they are your examples of vires and mores, I guess. But it really would be great if you can have a concept as your theme --- your personal philosophy, and how it influenced your decisions while you practiced basketball and Christianity.

So... I think this is good, but it could become more focused on a memorable theme, a concept that will stick in the reader's mind.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Finding Purpose Through a Life of Service" - PEACE CORPS Essay.. Feedback and tips [3]

Throughout my childhood, and into my adolescence , my family moved around a lot.

Capitalize the O:
Booneville, Mo.

Also, do not capitalize "state"

You can rework this sentence so that it does not repeat "complete"---> I have many goals for my future, but none of them will feel complete until I complete my Peace Corps service.

I don't know... this essay is pretty strong already. I don't think you have to "fit all your past experience" into the essay. Instead, revise this with the idea of focusing one one message that you want the reader to remember. What is the message? That is always a good way to approach your writing.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay : Distance learning and online computer classes should replace classroom [2]

Tan Vi did a great job here! Another option for the first sentence would be like this:
During this digital age, online classes have become more interesting and more common in society.

I think you should use all the corrections, and practice writing each corrected sentence 10 times. That is the only way to reprogram your brain so that you think with good grammar. :-)

Graduate / Science and maths -- SOP for MS Telecommunication in US. [2]

oppurtunity opportunity

I think you need one more sentence in that first paragraph. Add a sentence to the end. The sentence about fascinations and high grades is very good, but you can add another sentence to the end of that first paragraph, and it will be the idea you give the reader to keep in mind while reading... your main idea.

Capitalize the E
College of Engineering

BHASH SOFTWARE LABS--- get rid of all the capital letters you used unnecessarily. Toward the end of the essay, you have a lot of things written in all caps, and that is not good.

Add the word "and"
...and won english debates
Capitalize the E:
and won English debates...

:-)

Writing Feedback / The Value of Kindness in our society and in the world [3]

It is therefore, not appropriate to try and measure kindness at all.----- this is a profound idea; thanks for sharing these insights!

...be viewed as quite invaluable. --- I think it is redundant to say "quite" because invaluable is like a superlative, the "ultimate" of something.

Use a comma to separate the quotes line from the rest of the sentence: Indeed, "When you give yourself, you ...

This is a solid essay. I'm glad you shared it! It is true that kindness begets more kindness.

Undergraduate / Is it okay to write an admission essay like a story? [7]

Yeah, I really think it is best to avoid letting the story take up the whole essay. You can let it be an anecdote that takes up part of the essay, but leave plenty of room for discussing the "moral of the story."

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Discuss TV as educational tool [4]

...material and it influences people with some aspects of advantages and disadvantages.

For example, tuition is often taken via TV phone at home. ---- is tuition the correct word here? What are you trying to say?

...is one of the effective sources to send memorable information to the brain.

...who are addicted to watching TV and these people are threatened with several health issues.

You do not have many errors! I think you are doing very well... you should be proud. I hope you check out EssayForum Contributor Page.

Writing Feedback / Food preperation is easier to prepare. Has it improved peoples' lives? [4]

In addition, there are many prepackaged ingredients and pre-cooked food items available in supermarkets, and this is significant because (complete this sentence, and it will be a good topic sentence for the paragraph).

People can easily purchase and them and use for their food preparation.

Moreover --- one word, not two words
You do not need any help! Your English is almost perfect. If you wrote this without any help, I think you are ready to pass the toefl. Move on to whatever is next, because you have succeeded in mastering English!

Writing Feedback / significant advantages to raising children with a stay at home parent [5]

Great, I hope you have made it into an essay that really feels right.
I hope you know I was not trying to be very critical; my job when giving serious feedback is to try to reflect for you what my experience is (i.e. as a reader of your essay) So I blab the thoughts that come to mind as I read. That is because I know how much that kind of feedback helps me to understand the impression I'll make with my writing.

Kind regards!
:-)

Research Papers / Business proposal in e-commerce (setting up an online clothes retail store) [4]

All you have to do is download a template or look at a sample.

Google this: business plan sample
or
Business proposal online sample

Those should get you some examples with specific sections to be filled out: overhead, timeline, possible obstacles, benefits, etc.

Write the proposal according to a set of guidelines. For example: word-mart.com/html/business_proposal_writing_guid.html

Undergraduate / "Religious Identity" (Religion is an integral part of my life) - Personal talent [4]

The former part of the previous sentence was more so a forced acceptance of a belief which I till this day adhere to; however the latter parts of evolved out of curiosity which began as signs of adolescence appeared. ---- this needs more explanation. What evolved out of curiosity?

...public speaker in Abdul Majeed Askia, a converted Muslim, to express his gratitude and urge members of the group to continue in the right path. Mr. Askia, in a talk with the group members compared the modern day Muslim to a slave (as his grandfather had been), ---- oh, wait a minute, I see how this sentence is supposed to be. Just change "in" to "when"

This part is really a big part of your personal theme for the work you do. Therefore, it would make a great theme for the essay:

...scared to express the right beliefs which have been hidden as a result of the few extremists who seek to fulfill their political agendas and suppress the larger Muslim community .--- and you want to help spread awareness and facilitate people's healing, understanding, and spiritual growth. That is a great theme that I think you should introduce at the start of the essay. I would like to see the essay begin with a sentence that expresses this intention, so that the essay has the same theme as this work you do.

:-)

Undergraduate / Action plan (who/what/when/where/why): Follow-on project proposal essay [2]

Hi Diana, sorry it took forever to get a reply!

It seems like every student in my science department thinks our major is too difficult to incorporate in a study abroad program; I myself felt like that once.---- this was a run on sentence, so I added a semi-colon.

I will unravel the misconception that our curriculum is too rigorous for a study abroad program and I will help my university organize an informative guide about study abroad programs.------- very good! This part is impressive.

Typo: Also, I will work with the academic advisers in the science department to make a study abroad pamphlet .
2 words "every time" new courses every time a student goes abroad.

Facebook, and YouTube are used by high school and college students almost everyday.
This sentence is too obvious, not necessary.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Mei Mei" UT Prompt - Influential/Important Person [3]


Great detail... this is nice to read. I mean the whole essay, not just this part, ha ha...

And Although I would... no need to capitalize that A

I used to believe that being an only child was difficult, that life would be --- this part makes it seem like your experience showed you that you were wrong... (i.e. used to think) Maybe you should slightly change the way that sentence is worded. :-)

Undergraduate / The teacher, the director, the mentor, and the friend- why I applied to UCF? [7]

Well, this sentence is just so obvious. And of course any applicant at any school could write this sentence. ----> It is my belief that UCF is the university where I will meet the professors, colleagues, and counselors that will support, motivate, and guide me toward a successful future.

So, I suggest something "specific to you," and what I mean is that you need a sentence that tells something meaningful. Do not waste any sentences stating the obvious. Reach into your mind and pull out the ideas that are most meaningful to you; let the reader know about your particular plan, your unique plan.

Undergraduate / math as i dangle before my doom -- common app essay [3]

No need for hyphens in this phrase:
eleven years old, that...

...fuses together artistic thinking with a practical--- very interesting idea! I think you do not need "together" though.

I was smiling-at a math problem. ---- hhahhah, I like it!

You did something great with this climbing theme. This essay is a real accomplishment, because it poetically captures an idea that otherwise might not be expressible.

Leave it to me to try to derive a math function as I dangle eighty feet above my doom.---- I was going to say I like the way you ended this, but actually now that I think of it... I want to suggest looking at the essay without this last sentence. Leave it here:

I wonder what this one's slope is... ----- That is a cool ending.

Undergraduate / Loosely the "Indicate a person with significant influence" Common App Prompt [5]

Well... the unique approach you took is informal in the sense that it is different, but you have to be different in order to stand out. Yet, all readers think differently. It really is a guess you have to make...


This would be a good thing to mention in the first paragraph, and it would help the reader to appreciate it and accept the approach you are taking.

Graduate / "interests and goals" - MPA in health services Statement of Purpose [2]

Verb tense agreement:

As I watched the House of Representatives passed the healthcare bill on March 21, 2010 by 219 to 212, I realized that I can make a difference, change the ...

They have cancer, HIV, mental illness and neurological problems and can't pay their medical bills because they have no health insurance.

Chinese medicine is popular and widely used in China, but Chinese medicine is not approved by the FDA in the United States, which is why many doctors do not recommend it.

All of the experiences will be directly applied in my future career as
I will apply all experiences directly in my career as...

:-)

Undergraduate / Finding something unexplored excites me. [2]

This essay is very interesting and nicely written, but I want to urge you to include some more content that will "reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State."

The experience that makes someone likely to succeed is the experience of having realized that you are passionate about particular subjects and particular kinds of work. You have a nice theme of exploration in this essay, but I think you need to extend it to include exploration of particular fields of study.

So... this stuff about taking your parents' cars, about exploring as a child... it is common stuff. I hope you can add some material about experiences that reflect your ability to succeed as a scholar.

Hey, I'm sorry it took you so long to get a response! EssayForum has been busy lately.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my three month stay in the hospital" -evaluate a signifcant experience in your life [3]

When I responded with "why" to my nutritionist that was all she had to say. Most people described the hospital as a jail.

one word, not two: nobody

Sometimes you can cut out a phrase to make the essay more sleek and intense:
In my recovery, I saw that each person in the hospital with me, either with the same disorder or not, found it easier to talk ...--- that is a phrase I think the essay is better without.

:-)

Research Papers / Supernatural practices - not irrational but to be taken seriously [2]

Hi Cammi, I regret that it took so long for you to get a response. EssayForum got really busy recently.

Well, this prompt is a good one. What do you think of the "placebo" effect? That is pretty supernatural, but it "gets results."

Hey, within the scope of anthropology, the certainly 'are to be taken seriously.' After all, this is what people are doing; it is their spiritual practice.

Well, with every paragraph reinforce your argument. Make a clear argument in the first paragraph, and make sure it includes your unique reason WHY it is significant to study these things related to the "supernatural." You might want to do this:

Write several good body paragraphs based on research articles, and make each paragraph show the significance of studying this. Then, devise your thesis statement specifically based on the body paragraphs you have written. Write the thesis after writing the body paragraphs. Let it be based on them.

Undergraduate / Backpacking and how it helped me define myself- UC Prompt [10]


This is not going to impress them! They want you to respect them enough to use proper speech. I respect your artistic freedom, but stay true to your purpose. Show them your seriousness.

I truly believe that this journey reinforced my thoughts that I am a person that just doesn't give up. --- this sentence is about truly believing something... as if anyone would doubt whether you TRULY believe. I think it should be revised to say something specific; say what you really mean: This trip was an affirmation of my personal strength and resolve.

:-)