Undergraduate / how my grandfathers death affected me - prompt was to remember and reflect [2]

Pap's my grandpa; he had fallen and broken his hip about a month ago and mom goes to see him every morning.--- this was a run on sentence, so I fixed it with a semi-colon.

When we got there it smelled of moth balls, Pepto-Bismol, and vomit. ---- wow, you are a natural writer, I think! This is very good...

Oh boy! A party I thought. ---- terrible, this must be a harsh memory.

I really like your writing style! I am your biggest fan:
Okay, I'll admit, my greatest vice to this day is still shopping, spending money, and indulging in material things ...

This is really one of my favorites. It has a certain quality... like, reflecting the "little kid" that still lives in you. I think one way to improve this might be to add some very intellectual observations; for example, you can cite a book by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, or you can cite a professional journal article. Then it will have the perfect blend of artistically portraying little-kid innocence and brilliantly portraying your intellectual sophistication.

I look forward to buying your first novel!

Scholarship / A topic that intellectually excites you about 'speciesism' - Scholarship essay [10]

It helps if you use some of their key words to show clearly that you answered the prompt. I see that you used excite, but not impact or ponder.

I'm sorry, I see that you probably already turned this in. I think it is very impressive! I only hope that the omnivorous, speciesist reader can appreciate you despite her or his inability to match your high moral standards!

:-)

Undergraduate / Climbing, clouds, rocks: Describe an activity, experience, achievement in your life [4]

Through experience, I have learned that gut wrenching feeling of meaning, purpose, and triumph.

To rely on someone is great trust.---- too simple. What are you really trying to say here...? Let's give this paragraph a worthy topic sentence.

I think your intro is great, very intriguing. I have never seen the word couchant used before! Thanks for enriching my vocab! :-)

At the end, you can turn climbing into a metaphor for your educational process, and make a connection so that you can discuss climbing toward a particular career goal.

Undergraduate / "The importance of the Spanish Language in my Life" - CU Boulder Diversity Essay [2]


I suggest adding 1 or 2 more concepts to this essay. It will be like orange juice from concentrate. You can CONDENSE this discussion of learning Spanish (and take out the unnecessary details), and then add a whole new topic. That way you can get a unique theme as you blend the 2 topics about how you can contribute to diversity. Also, your intro might not be as good as it could be. It is too simplistic. So... I think you can add a lot of life to this if you add a new topic to compare and contrast with the language topic, and then go revise the intro and conclusion so that they express a unique theme that reflects that unique combination.

I have seen a lot of essays like this, and the solution is usually to add a new idea, a new concept, and compound the meaningfulness.

:-)

Poetry / A thesis/ if-then statement for my essay (the poem "Experience" by Dorothy Livesay) [4]

Hi Alexandra,

You have to offer something first... just a little idea for us to work with. If you just post the challenge without trying to take a shot at answering it, then it is like other people are doing your work you you... so... first tell us what you think of the poem! :-)

Try this to get started:
If bread represents XXXXX in this poem, then the heart represents YYYYYYYY.

Undergraduate / Extracurricular experience: evolving through soccer [4]


This is an example of a sentence to which your English teacher might say "Show, don't tell!" Instead of making a claim, mention the experience that made you discover your talent as a mentor. Use imagery words and action verbs, and the reader will really experience it!

:-)

Also, here is a place to add a comma:
These were the years that my leadership skills began to develop and emerge and, it's safe to say, I loved the feeling.

Nice! At the end, you might want to talk about how you can continue to get that feeling as you enter your chosen career in the field of _________.

Writing Feedback / Essay about what is science 250-300 words [3]

Is it everything (a noun) or is it "to discover" (a verb)? I think you should revise that intro so that it does not seem to refer to both a noun and a verb. Then again, maybe you should state that science can be thought of as something that is done or as a body of knowledge, in which case it is something you do and also a noun...

Okay, this is not bad, but it is a little bit simplistic. I think it will be better if you come up with one great observation and write the whole essay as support for that observation, that theme.

I'll choose my favorite observation from your essay:


I think you should write this as your thesis statement, and then write 3 body paragraphs. Make each body paragraph about a different idea related to this observation.

Here is an example of a body paragraph to support that thesis statement:
One way of seeing how science has different forms at different times is to consider the word technology. In modern times we do not think of a pencil as a piece of technology. Nowadays, the word technology refers to things like ipads and robots. But there was a time when a pencil was advanced scientific technology.

Write body paragraphs that support one main idea, which will be your theme.

:-)

Essays / Thesis statement for comparing orangutans and gorillas paper [3]


It'll be better if you make it interesting. Write the whole essay first, and then think of a thesis statement. Google this:
compare contrast essay alternating opposing

You will find something very helpful.

If you choose the opposing type, you might write your first body paragraph about their physical attributes and show how they are similar and how they are different.

You might write the second body para about their habits and activities, and show how they are similar and different.

You might write the third body para about their diet...

And when all body paragraphs are written, you will know them well enough to make an INTERESTING observation. Maybe you will end the first para with a thesis statement that makes an analogy about them compared to some other pair of things.

See what I mean, though? Make a thesis statement that tells the reader your interesting observation.

Writing Feedback / "If I cannot have freedom, I'd rather not be alive": GRE issue essay [3]

It is one of the essential rights all human beings are entitled to, apart from the infernal ones that is. ---- I'm not sure what this means.

The public deserves to be told the veracity truth.--- veracity means honesty, or truthfulness, but not truth.

Plural:
Having to succumb to the points of view of others is not only ...

Capitalize Russian

I don't like the thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph. It makes it seem like this is just about prisoners. But Braveheart was not about people kept as prisoners; it is about oppression.

I think you should just come up with a better thesis statement that conveys the main idea of the essay. End that first paragraph with a thesis statement that really captures what you mean to say as the message of the essay.

Undergraduate / "hard study and commitment" - Personal Statement - Highschool Years [3]

The song from which these lyrics are taken, released in 1986, idealizes the image of a normal teenager's high school years.

You have some great, great sentences... You really have a strong sense of grammar, I think. I like this sentence structure:
Now, at the beginning of senior year, I am starting to look back at the great things that my high school years offered me and completely accept the transformation I underwent.

Here is one that I think should be revised, because it does not really have strong... internal ... like... it doesn't have... it doesn't really make sense by itself:

Although I am looking at one more year in front of me in this place, I am slightly confused. ---- it does not make sense to imply that you should not be confused when you have one year left. Try a different structure! I don't know how to explain what I mean, ha ha...

I am going to sever almost all of my links to the place where I grew--- here is one last sentence that does not seem right. Why would any tie need to be severed?

:-)

Undergraduate / Child Abuse - UTexas Essay B: An issue of importance. [3]

Thanks donrocks, you always give great feedback to people! I hope you become an EssayForum contributor.

An issue of significant importance in our society, an issue which spans across varied economical and social crossroads, is one that is prevalent in every community but one that is rarely addressed by media outlets or in any forum of greater public acknowledgment: child abuse.

This essay is great, very thoughtful. However, some parts of it are too obvious: Here is an example:
The earlier abused children get help, the greater chance they have to heal from their abuse and not perpetuate the cycle. Awareness is critical so children who are being abused or neglected have a chance at getting early help.

Try not to let any statements of the obvious appear in the essay, because as soon as the reader sees something she already knows, she stops paying attention and just skims.

Learning to recognize the symptoms of child abuse and raised awareness is a vital component in putting an end to the suffering so many children endure. see, this is obvious, too. The trick is to use these concepts to say something new, something original.

Here is a part that could be made a theme of the essay:
If you see a child with any symptoms of abuse, and you are able to step in and assist, without making the situation more difficult for the child, you are not only assisting a child, but making a contribution to a better society in years to come. ---- if you mentioned this in the first paragraph, and then let each body paragraph begin with a topic sentence that makes a point to support this statement, then the essay will have focus. You can have it be like this: the purpose of the essay is to help the reader appreciate the multiple ways society benefits when child abuse is stopped.

:-)

Undergraduate / QUESTBRIDGE NATIONAL MATCH ESSAY [4]

I see that name here gave some great suggestions, but none of them were errors, except for the constancy thing... is constancy really the ward you want?

But really... there is nothing I can suggest to improve this. The sentences have soothing rhythm and are varied nicely. You have a knack.

I hope this essay serves as powerful therapy for anyone in your family who reads it.

Undergraduate / Sports Medicine Career: The beginning to an End - USC Essay [5]

You are doing great. If you want to make it seem real to the reader, use more imagery words. Orange, sharp, rough, sour smell of sweat... imagery words are words that affect the senses (not just vision but all senses).

Also, get rid of involuntarily, because it is not necessary.

Here is a run on sentence for you to fix! ---->The game started off as any other basketball game, we were playing the competitive San Jose Ninjas and were in the mist of the final minutes of the game.

:-)

Undergraduate / Poker: Significant Experience Personal Essay [6]

Nice, it's great! This reads like a good novel in the first person, and it has a little bit of meandering digression like an essay should. I think the reader will appreciate this.

I like your explanation for thinking outside the box.

Ever seen the "four lines" game about thinking outside the box -- well not really a game, but a challenge.
Ask enough people to try this and you will find someone who figures it out right away. It's a test for thinking outside the box.

Draw 9 dots on a sheet of paper using 3 rows of 3. It should form a big box in the center of the paper with the circles about an inch apart from each other.

O O O
O O O
O O O

Find a way to draw 4 STRAIGHT lines that will intersect all 9 dots, but you cannot pick the pen up off the page.

Graduate / Read numerous articles - Speech pathology graduate school entry personal statement [3]

You need to get rid of this sentence, because it is too obvious:
In order to better communicate, people speak to one another. Speech, as well as...

Do the hyphens like this:
(just one)
I was a six year-old

But in your example, you DO NOT need a hyphen:
...six years old, my parents sent me ...

Hey, this is great. I like it a lot, because it seems so sincere. I think the AO reader might be wondering, though, if it is really your calling or if you just THINK it is your calling because of your experience with a speech pathologist. I wonder if you would be interested in saying that speech pathology is your "jumping off" point and that you want to take that as your education, but that you will explore other forms of therapy as well, including ________, ______, and _________ (fill in the blanks... psychotherapy? trigger point therapy?)

Keep an open mind, because speech therapy is only one of many ways you might change people's lives.

Undergraduate / "To Have Pride" UT Transfer Admissions Essay. Topic A [3]

Hi sorry it took a long time to respond. We had a lot of essays lately!

I wanted to mention that this part is strange:
I set out to be different. I set out to have great credentials one would never see.---It doesn't make sense this way. Maybe you meant to type "ever."

Anyway, that is not a big deal at all. You could just write, "I set out to be different. I set out to have the greatest credentials possible.

But the reader will get your point anyway and appreciate your poetic style. Most of all, it is great that you pride yourself on being exceptional and that you have specific goals.

Book Reports / Homer's Depiction of Roles in Greek Society: Odyssey 10th grade paragraph essay [3]

Hello friend, I often tell people to put a thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph so that the reader will definitely know what your main point is. When some sentences are subject to varying interpretations, it really helps to show the important points with TOPIC sentences (the ones that begin the paragraphs) and the MOST important sentence as the THESIS sentence (the one at the end of the first paragraph.

So I would start by doing this:
para#1
Because of the typical Greek stereotypes portrayed in the Odyssey men and women demonstrate their loyalty in contrasting ways. These ideals ...
para #2
Although it may seem unfair Homer may be telling us more than who is loyal and who is not. Odysseus demonstrates his loyalty in a ...

para #3
Would Homer have chose to make his hero perform something socially unacceptable? To Homer and the Greeks Odysseus may have ...
para #4
Homer also portrays Penelope is a heroine by...
Para #5
In the Odyssey Homer writes of what a perfect...

This way, it will be structured like an essay. Go to the end of the first para and add a thesis statement that captures in a single sentence the main ideaof the essay.

:-)

Essays / Using expressiona like: "First of all" to start an essay [4]

Hi Cindy,

It does not matter how bad your English is...

You can feel free to type something, and we will try to help you improve your English.

An essay might begin with a sentence about something, but it probably will not begin with the words, "First of all."

"First of all" is a good way to begin the 2nd paragraph of an essay.

Undergraduate / "I like to explore" - Penn State Personal Statement [4]

This is very plain, without anything that really suggests that you are thinking deeply about things. It would be great if you had ideas in mind for what your major might be, because that would show that you have been thinking about life and work and what you want to do.

I think there is too much discussion of the size of the school... it is a superficial attribute.

Get focused on what is important to you. People are suffering out there in the world, and the work you do is going to be important.

Student Talk / Exam passing tips - its my final year [71]

Memorize lists on your fingers. For example, I want to memorize the "Five Regulatings" taught by Dr. Yang Jwing Ming, so I do this:

- Regulate the Body: on my index finger (I point to my body)
- Regulate the Breath: on my middle finger (because I would need to use my longest finger to reach down into my lungs.
- Regulate the Mind: on my ring finger, because marriage is something I would have to think about a long time in my mind.
- Regulate the Energy: on my little finger (because with an abundance of bioelectric energy I can be very powerful even with my little finger.)
- Regulate the Spirit: on my thumb (because I give a "thumbs up" to anyone who stays in high spirits.

The trick is to look at a finger for each item on a list, and make a mental image. It does not have to be a strong association.. just a very loose association.

That way, when it is time for your exam, you will remember each item by looking on your fingers. Just be careful when you are looking at your fingers: the teacher might think you have a cheat sheet in your hand!

Undergraduate / Question regarding the tone of an admissions essay [5]

I like the advice in this forum. Yes, comedy is powerful persuasion. The most important thing is to catch the wave of inspiration. If you got inspired with something that was funny, then use it and take energy from is as you move on to the next paragraph.

:-)

Scholarship / "Only If He Had A Vision" - critique my Questbridge essay. [5]

This, I remember each time I find my peer dissipating his energy unprofitably.---- wow, I did not expect this sentence. It's interesting. But I think you should add 1 or 2 more sentence to the intro paragraph to help the reader understand what you mean.

paragraph 2:
While on my way to church for the Youth Meeting, I met Francis, my classmate back then in Grade 3. Having exchanged

You write very well. I'm happy about your great potential and the strength you show while achieving the goals you set.

This is a powerful sentence, but I cannot explain why: Nobody thought I could make it into one of the best public senior high schools in Ghana.

Yes!, we
Yes! We live in an underprivileged community. Yes! we do not enjoy the amenities of life currently. Yes! We are downtrodden. But it is my firm conviction: if we could set our sights on visions and focus on them, then with determination and perseverance we will attain everything we want in life, and out plight will end.---- excellent! This is very good. If you run for office where I live, I will vote for you. If you run for office somewhere else, maybe I'll get a chance to contribute to your campaign. Plan on doing historic things!

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose - Middle Eastern Studies - University of Texas [8]

America's ----- apostrophe

At the end, use a colon instead of a semi-colon:
... see that we are all searching for the same thing: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

This is really great to read, because of course people do not encounter someone with your perspective very often. Thanks for sharing these ideas; I am sure that the AO reader will appreciate it.

One way to improve it might be to get more specific about your intellectual interests and, especially, your goals. List a few goals that you'll need to achieve in order to accomplish this.

Writing Feedback / toefl; Internet had negative effects on civilization [5]

"Escalate" usually refers to something that is "going" or "moving" or "happening" so it is not the best word here...

The Internet, no doubt, did increase the convenience, efficiency and quality of human communication.

Secondly, internet has impacte d ---- Capitalize Internet, and use "the"
Secondly, the Internet has impacted ...

...addicted to the Internet.

Of course, there are many benefits offered to children by the Internet with respect to enhancing their knowledge. However, they hardly use the Intern et for such productive purposes.

...friends through FaceBook. ---- Ha ha, well maybe that is productive, too!She learns about technology, develops reading and writing skills, and gets a sense of how social networking can be used.

Okay, so practice the correct ways 10 times each! Remember to use "the" before Internet.

Writing Feedback / Saudi Arabia - one important thing about your country that you would change? [4]

This is a great thread! Thanks everyone. I'll offer some advice below.

Zainab, I'm glad you joined, and I hope you can enjoy not wearing the abaya at Rutgers! I don't like the way Christianity teaches that women should "submit" to their husbands, and I don't like the way Islam has different rules for men and women. In the 21st century, we should all wake up and have gender equality!

Saudi Arabia is my country, one that follows Islamic rules in its life, and I would change the most important thing that annoys me to apply it is a rule in this country that applies to all women. It's wearing black Abaya. This rule is making me disappointed for many reasons from many directions .

First, it's a self-freedom, and Islam doesn't tell us to wear this kind of clothes to protect ourselves as women, we can wear as we do in other country, long T-shirt with pants and Hijab.

Moreover, there are non-Muslims whom don't have these rules in their religion to wear it.----- I don't understand this sentence.

So, we shouldn't let them wear it; either they agree with or not .

Second of all, the weather here is hot and difficult to endure under the black Abaya which absorbs the sun's rays.

Therefore it should be a woman's decision whether she wants to wear something lie that or not.

Finally, I think the only way you can tame the bride is to let her fly freely. This is the way you can tame everything.

So, let others live their life as they want and don't rule them with a cultural thing by saying this is Islamic , these are my reason to change rule about wearing Abaya.

Undergraduate / "In Being a Banana: A Cultural Mishap" - General questions on format & prompt ComApp [9]

Although I am constantly getting scrutinizing looks and befuddled questions demanding I explain why I can't speak my own language, the traditions and cultures... etc.

Just simplify so the reader can fully appreciate it.

Wow, this is really an excellent essay. You have a perspective that makes you a person of crucial value, and we are so lucky that you happen to be a skillful writer so that you can benefit us by sharing that unique perspective.

Check out EssayForum Contributor Page.

Undergraduate / My brother and his influence on me (guitar, chess, computers) - National Merit Essay [3]

I could feel the tears coming. His words pierced me like bullets, one by one, slowly overpowering my determination... good stuff here!

More trash talk ensued. ---- I like it! Great variation of sentences, great description.
Wow, all of this is cool and interesting.

I have been playing guitar for five years. --- this is a poor topic sentence, because it has little meaning.. It is just a statement of fact. Try revising it so that it conveys the main idea of the paragraph like a topic sentence is supposed to.

...he has also influenced my passions and everyday actions.---- This could be a little more specific.

Hey, this essay is one of my favorites!

Undergraduate / "Careers in Psychology or Law" - Reasons for transfering, Common Application [3]

I chose UC Merced with all intentions of ...

I chose UC Merced because of its closeness to home, the small class sizes, and the ability to get used to college life. While I do believe that UC Merced is a good undergraduate institution, it is simply not where I desire to graduate from. ---------Too uneventful, too vague... and ending a sentence with a preposition (from) is kind of clumsy.

Rewrite that intro and focus on what you DO want instead of what you don't want. Focus on what this new school has that the other does not. You do not have to justify not wanting the current school; just focus on your detailed plan and your commitment to psych and pol. sci.

:-)

Undergraduate / Essay about "Why you want to apply to this university" and "Your specific interest" [2]


Some of this sounes like a brochure. It is too general and too focused on the school. I think you should focus more on your intentions and talk about the school's merits in terms of how they can empower you in carrying out your detailed plan.

It has been confirmed partly by rank xxth over top 200 world universities. ---- all this continues to sound like a brochure or like their website...

Imagining myself studying among plenty of geniuses who share the same interests with me, even if I want to be lazy, I have to move my mind ahead and aim to my goals. --- I understand what you are saying, I think, but discuss the specific goals instead of being general like this.

I kept my fire shining by studying books and online resources by myself -- publications covering subjects such as how to install software, how to...

:-)

Writing Feedback / The Holy Mosque in Mecca, Saudi Arabia - essay describing a place you like to visit. [5]

This is perfect! I see that Jaron changed enjoyed to enjoy, but other than that I see no real errors... Jaron has good suggestions, but your writing is error free.

I think you should start the essay with a sentence that "hooks" the reader's attention. Keep that single sentence as the thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph, but add some sentences before it as well. Know what I mean?

You structured this essay very well with one para dedicated to atmosphere and the other dedicated to architecture. Great stuff! Great description and detail.

Writing Feedback / significant advantages to raising children with a stay at home parent [5]


Yeah... the type that had kids and can afford not to work...

... and, in this day and age it really is a luxury. --- This is what I was talking about. Instead of requiring a certain type of person, it is a luxury.

Children who grow up in divorced families often have more difficulties getting along with siblings, peers, and their parents. --- yes, but this does not mean divorce is bad; it means conflict is bad. Students can be negatively influenced if parents stay together and fight all the time, too.

Just imagine the extra benefit of one parent being at home.--- imagine the benefits of both parents having careers so that they can each work part time and each spend some time at home.

I never felt I truly reached that tight bond with my oldest. ---- this must hurt for your son to read.

The writing is error free, but the logic seems lacking. This is an essay about the benefits of being a stay-at-home parent... but I think it is an oversimplified view. It is indeed a luxury, and one that not all families have. What your argument boils down to is that it is a good idea to be financially stable enough to have plenty of time with your kids. No one would argue with that, so it is not an "arguable thesis."

Also, the essay is weakened when you draw tenuous conclusions about the reasons your older son went astray.

I'm sorry to be critical.I am just playing the devil's advocate in order to challenge you, etc. The writing is very good!

Undergraduate / "Not artistic or creative" - Vires, Artes, Mores [3]

I like the first para, all except for this sentence:
Strength, skill and customs are all reflected in my life in some way, whether in small ways or large ways.
I like it, but it does not seem to belong! This para talks about "life is a journey," etc. and maybe that was what you needed to write to get yourself started, but now go back and write an intro that actually introduces the essay's theme. As of now, you only allude to the theme at the end of that para.

posse possess

Oh... SPEAKING! That is a good focus. So... rewrite that intro!! This is a good essay, but rewrite the intro, and consider doing some more discussion of the cause on behalf of which you might speak in the coming years.

Undergraduate / "Trip to Egipt & India" morals/responsibility that I grew up with" - meaningful event [3]

To be honest, I used to take for granted of the education that I have received, an education that many around the world do not have.

... as opposed to the an honored privilege that it is. However, from that point, I vowed to appreciate the education that I received as well as to try to excel in my education the best I could.----- You had me thinking you were going to vow to help improve education in poor countries, but then you took this different approach. Let's see if you say anything later in the essay about wanting to help them...

... fulfill my dream of becoming a doctor and helping people around the world.--- Yep, I see that you do, but I would like you to mention wanting to be a physician at the end of the first paragraph, and in this second paragraph describe what kind of medicien you want to practice. The second para, as it is now, is boring and repeats the ideas from the first para.

This essay is pretty good! Mention something again at the end about those poor kids, and discuss much more about your philosophy of medicine and what specifically you want to do as a physician.

Undergraduate / What do I do to get noticed? - Strength and Discipline [6]

My mother does not say it anymore, because there is no need. The words, " What are your goals for the day?"

When I set a goal, I don't just think it, I write it down in order to make it permanent.--- this is the most impressive part, I think. There is wisdom to this idea.

But do this:
When I set a goal, I don't just think it; I write it down in order to make it permanent.

:-)

Letters / Master course in Computer Science in Europe, help proofread my Letter of Motivation [5]

The (programme), with its advanced courses that focus on networking and security areas, perfectly fits my interest and career path. Upon completion of the master programme, I plan to pursuit pursue a PhD. degree and work ...

Therefore, I consider your masters program a vital step towards my career success.

Lastly, I am convinced that with my motivation and experience I gained from my academic study and working experience, I will contribute...

Great ending, great, succinct expression of ideas, great topic sentences. This is a very impressiv essay. I see no mistakes other than the ones I corrected above.

Scholarship / "Not a coward" - QuestBridge Biographical Essay: The factors and challenges that... [2]


Oh! That is terrible! Ha ha, in a cute way. What age are you talking about?
It would be good to say how old you were at various times you mention. It would be good to discus your career goals that have emerged from this situation.

I would love it if you majored in entrepreneurship and learned how to transform the family business! Does it have a website? Check out godaddy.com to see about a cheap website! I hope you will make this adversity the driving force behind your studies.

What will you do for a living? Something that pays well so you do not need to have this kind of stress? Something that involved psychology and meditation so that you know how to help people cope with stress? What will you do?

Write more about those "aspirations" (i.e. "life aspirations" is mentioned in the prompt.)

Undergraduate / Volunteering at the homeless shelters- UC prompt #2 [3]


oh... very good. Okay, you have my attention.

I never do and never will enjoy helping out at a homeless shelter. ---- don't be so sure! You may become spiritually enlightened.

However, I don't recommend taking out that sentence; I was just commenting on it. That sentence is part of this excellent theme you have... this theme of obligation. I love it!

I can't recommend any improvements!!

Undergraduate / "Bipolar disorder of my father" - UC (where you come from) [2]

This is a great essay, and your attitude toward the situation is really admirable. There will always be situations you have to cope with, but you have to stay focused on your action plan, your vision for the future.

I think you need to write another essay. Keep this one for your own reflection and as a matter of therapy for yourself. But it is not the best way to approach a college entrance essay. It is distasteful to undermine your dad's dignity by announcing his shortcomings like this. It is not wrong to express your feelings about it, but I want to encourage you to use this essay as an opportunity to expound the part of your background that brought your attention to the field of study that is going to make your life meaningful, the field of study you choose for this school

You obviously write well... I just think you deserve to have an essay that expresses something about your Truth instead of something about your dad's illness.

Graduate / "Born American, spoken Spanish" - Peace Corps Essay One [3]

I don't like the way you use paragraph breaks!I like the way you write, and it is only my opinion about the paragraphs, but ... consider dividing each of those big paragraphs into 2.

I like to use this rule:
one paragraph = one idea.

And all the paragraphs add up to the main idea expressed in the last sentence of the first para.

You are impressive, and the writing is great... I just want to encourage you to use paragraphs to help the reader organize their interpretation of what you write.

I also think the ending could be better. Is it necessary to give those details about contingency, etc.? How about changing the conclusion so that it reinforces the main idea of the whole essay...

:-)

Scholarship / "I learned how to play the piano" - Is my essay effective? [7]

Fix this little part:
said, "Genius is ...--------- no "that," and capitalize the G.

no matter how inexperienced I was...

my heart seemed to jump out of my throat.--- I like this phrase!!

This is great. Now I think you should complete the process by extending the meaningfulness so that it applies to your intellectual or professional purpose for going to this school... how does this lesson apply to your future?