Writing Feedback / My Writing Soul: Literacy Narrative Assignment First Draft [2]

I grew up writing from an early age, and the fact that I loved reading made me want to write just as beautifully as the authors of a book name a few specific titles.

Above, when you put 2 sentences together as a compound sentence, you need a comma before the conjunction (and, but, or, because). Same thing here:
I did my first formal research paper in 6th grade, and it was the first time I had to use sources from others for a topic, and I quickly despised it. ----- this one has 3 complete sentences. The truth is, you do not actually NEED a comma, but Strunk and White recommend it as a matter of style, and I think your sentences sometimes really need a comma.

Again:
I hated writing this way, but it benefited me ...

Also, at a moment when citing was crucial in paper reports, I wouldn't know the format of making a bibliography or how to cite in a research paper because I saw writings like these to be foreign and complex to me.----me too!! I remember being so lost in high school as I tried to put sources in a bib. Nowadays, there are computer programs to help with that.

Okay, I guess this needs to be condensed so that any unnecessary sentences can be omitted or combined with others for efficiency. Also, this sentence seems unclear:

Though I rather prefer reading or speaking, writing is by far my best tool and communicator to others and it allows my full message to clearly come across to people without the need to repeat myself more than once.----- you prefer reading and speaking, but writing is best? Seems strange. I think this sentence should be replaced with a thesis statement that expresses the main idea of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common App Significant Experience: "The Road Less Traveled By" [6]

Oh!! Yes, I had read it wrong. I see what you mean!!!! :-)

Undergraduate / Essay for application to radiography program [4]

Repetition is sometimes effective, but in this case I think it is unnecessarily inefficient:
I am intelligent, I am highly motivated, I am tenacious and I am empathetic.
Maybe do this:
I am intelligent, highly motivated, tenacious, and empathetic.

Let's get rid of the 2nd as:
As the business grew, I left to welcome our second son. As My little boy grew older, allowing me some freedom again, and I got busy...

battle fight (typo)

Hey, this is interesting and impressive! The way to make it better might be to include some brief references to the most recent developments in the field... some recent professional journal articles. I don't mean to have you write a whole para about articles, but if you simply mention a research study or two (no older than 5 years) it will add a considerable amount of "substance" to this... it is obviously not necessary, but it is an idea I had for you.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my parent's life story" - influential persons, common app personal statement essay [8]

Oh, sorry for my lack of clarity. I was saying that the two themes mentioned by Kayla cause a problem: the reader cannot be sure what the essay is going to be about. It is good to have one sentence that is clearly the theme for the essay. You should focus on one main theme and try not to distract the reader from it if possible. This is easier said than done, though! Anyway, the essay is already very good... it's just that in the beginning several different ideas are introduced and it is hard to get a handle on a central idea. Simplify a little if you can. :-)

Undergraduate / "my parent's life story" - influential persons, common app personal statement essay [8]

Oh, sorry for my lack of clarity. I was saying that the two themes mentioned by Kayla cause a problem: the reader cannot be sure what the essay is going to be about. It is good to have one sentence that is clearly the theme for the essay. You should focus on one main theme and try not to distract the reader from it if possible. This is easier said than done, though! Anyway, the essay is already very good... it's just that in the beginning several different ideas are introduced and it is hard to get a handle on a central idea. Simplify a little if you can. :-)

Undergraduate / "My father made a sacrifice" - Significant experience... [4]

I was 12 years old when this lifestyle ceased. ---- good sentence

My father's business was not going very well, and the struggl e was provoking many changes in our lives -- like changing from the latest car models to older cars or spending...

Asa matter of style, keep that verb tense the same: This experience taught me very important lessons. One of them was that if you want the ...

very good stuff here. This essay is a success, I think. A way to make it better might be to use more imagery words and also, at the end, try to show what implications these truths have for your chosen field of study.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my assets fit the philosphy" - Vires, Artes, Mores [3]


This is not a good way to express it.

I think the whole first paragraph is unnecessary. Also, it is not necessary to define vires. use your sentences careful, because you have to make each one count! :-)

Use a spell checker to find typos, like this: somethign

Sports have always been ...

Although, I have never truly taken pride in art, I have always felt somewhat attracted to the various qualities of it.--- this is not a very impressive sentence! I think you should focus on one central truth you want to express. Maybe you can talk about how vires and artes are important aspects of your subject of interest and talk about them as parts of the program you are going to enter.

Right now the essay seems to be written to accommodate the words, when it should be written in the way that uses those words (vires, artes) to help explain a concept that is central to your intentions as a student at this school.

:-)

Graduate / Why Statistics? Admission Essay MA Statistics Program [3]

In my opinion, statistics science (no need for a comma) offers me the way to abstract those essentials and rules, from their original complicacy, I am not sure what you mean here, and I think it should be simplified.

Well, I am impressed...I tried to learn statistics and failed!!

I understand that to become a great statistician one must have good quantitative skills. ---- this may be too obvious.

... both theoretical and pract ical areas, and some professors are doing really attractive researches in some interdisciplinary fields. ----- Instead of using the sentence to refer generally to them, mention a few ongoing projects that they are doing.

:-)

Graduate / Admission Essay PhD Cell and Developmental Biology [8]

?This is high quality material. I guess the part I might want to work on is here:
I am confident that my experience and technical skills provide me with a good scaffold towards a successful career in research. I enjoy the challenges of research in its requirements of both creativity and perseverance. ----This part starts to drone on with sort of general things. It is nicely written, but I think you can do better if you try to be more specific here and use imagery words that will give the reader a real experience of the stuff that gave you these skills. See if the chill of inspiration runs up your spine and propels you into a brilliant rewriting of this paragraph

My time as a faculty member...--- right here, it is being a faculty member that I want you to share. Give them a glimpse of the scene in which you gained valuable skills and experiences.

Undergraduate / What do I do to get noticed? - Strength and Discipline [6]

My Mom does not say it anymore, because there is no need. The words "What are your goals for the day?" are forever embedded in my brain.

Oh, she has wisdom...

I have been setting goals for myself forever it seems.--- I think you can write this sentence in a less awkward way! :-)

I love my parents don't get me wrong. ----Ah! This is a blatant run on sentence. Ha ha... it is a good time to use a semi-colon:

I love my parents; don't get me wrong.

I write it down in order to make it permanent. --- Oh, i see that you have wisdom, too. Excellent... that list of things to do is key.

Martial Arts require a discipline of mind, body, and spirit.

:-)

Writing Feedback / People are materialistic and work-oriented: PERCEIVED HARDSHIPS [3]

The idea that life is more challenging than it has ever been is a belief where complete disagreement to the pressing issue cannot be denied.--- I really think you need to say this in a simpler way so that it is clear.

In a stage where the universe now revolves around the sun of materialism coupled with the battlefield of career enhancement, most of us wake up each day plotting ways on how to alleviate our economic status distress.--- you cannot alleviate statuse. You can alleviate distress, but you improve status.

In contrast, being materialistic and work-oriented ...

:-)

Writing Feedback / COMMUNICATION TECHNOLOGY AND TRANSPORTATION; sensationalize the gnawing anxiety [2]

The irreversible proliferation of technological advancement in the field of telecommunication and travel paves the way for a modern person to enjoy the luxury of working and living in any parts of the globe.

Though some people despise and rant about the existence of such development, I still personally affirm...

Use despite or but, but do not use both:
Despite the fact that it creates a bane to the lifestyle of a handful of individuals, but we cannot also take for granted the bliss of convenience and innovation that it brings to the society as a whole.

... be susceptible to sloth and dependence ...

:-)

Writing Feedback / FAILED MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE; What are the causes of such separation? [5]

Aside from that, lust and infidelity bloom on both partners since one cannot or might not fully suffice as satisfaction for the carnal pleasure of the other half, which leads to further demise and betrayal to the once blessed matrimony.

... fate of my Uncle and Aunt who are is now living in the borders of United States. They have been busy ...

At first they were like romantic lovebirds...

This clearly indicates that failed marriage and divorce have been building negative ripples to both family and society.
I am impressed by the complexity of your writing. You are talented! I like this essay as much as the death penalty essay.

Writing Feedback / toefl: the best criterion for selecting a person to train others [4]

Yep, I agree. Move on to your next challenge. You are already prepared for the toefl.
If this essay is something that someone else helped you with, maybe you still need practice, but if you wrote this essay by yourself you are as good a writer as any native English speaker!

I can't even find anything to correct. I do agree with Mark that it is not necessary to say firstly.
Just use first second third.
First, I want to jump in a hole.
Second, I want to bang a drum and dance around.
Third, I want to punch my laptop right in the face.

Undergraduate / Brown Engineering - Why biomedical. "Most potential" [5]


This is more simplistic than it needs to be. You can look at a few research articles and cite them specifically. Mention a few specific things in place of these general ideas.

Hey, I often recommend a book by Becker that gives an interesting idea about regeneration: The Body Electric.

where cancer is no worse a disease than the common cold--- awesome, this is a good way to say it.

Writing Feedback / The choice of studying at home by using technology or studying at school? [3]

This issue of selecting the option of studying at home or the option of studying at school is not only extremely controversial but also very challenging.

(Add a topic sentence here ). There can be no denying good material and lessons can receive from studying at school, nevertheless but there also are different standards among the schools. (or "at each school")

It can be strongly argued that freedom in time is very important. --- this is a good topic sentence.

Studying at home can let you organize your time freely, and the refore you can learn in your own time. Furthermore, if you study at home, you will not waste time for transporting to the school.

more self-reliant .

Look at this essay! This writer disagrees. You should work together and help with each other's essays: Learning with teachers or learning by ourselves. Which do you prefer?

Writing Feedback / Working for a large company - training, work exposure & networking opportunities [2]

...receive better exposure in contrast to the exposure in a small company.

When the organization is large, they are less volatile and less susceptible to to socioeconomic turbulence.----very good sentence! I just changed it a little.

Finally, career wise, one would more recognition if he or she works for a large company. This, too, is too a very...

You write very well! Your paragraphs have good structure, with topic sentences and examples. I think this is great.

Graduate / 'Help for every patient' - PTCAS Essay for Physical Therapy admission [5]

Use a comma:
I've been taking classes that had no meaning to me, and most of the time I didn't do so well.

Actually, I really don't like this hating on yourself at the start... wondering if it is necessary.

Hmm... the focus of the essay is not on the issue of doing poorly in the past... so I don't think that negative part at the beginning is helpful or necessary. You can acknowledge low grades from your past, but do it briefly in passing. Do not introduce the essay that way! :-)

It was wasn't until I took an...

It is great to express this idea that you found your intellectual passion in anatomy. That makes this essay meaningful.

...want to see them to get better, have them walk again or at least improve their mobility.

:-)

Writing Feedback / machines are really useful if you get them rightly; but simple work by hand [4]

Nowadays, the development of science and technology have increased the quality of life.
You have 2 choices:
Nowadays, science and technology have increased the quality of life.
or
Nowadays, the development of science and technology has increased the quality of life.

Oh yeah, I see you wrote fristly instead of firstly.

Firstly, working by hand that means I must have responsibility for my products.

Machines can produce fastly fast not only the with quality but also quantity, unfortunately if something go wrong, the consequence would be so terrible.

Secondly, handiwork makes me more happier and reduces the wastefulness.

Use an s on the end of the verbs you write. How do you know when to add an s?
How do you know when to add an s to a verb? Add an s if it is about one person or thing, and do not add an s if it is about more than one.

It's like this:
I take water with me to the store.
She takes water with her to the store.
He takes water with him to the store.
They take water with them.
We take water with us.

The daily work with machines would make you feel bored, and you can also get much stress at your job.

:-)

Undergraduate / What lessons have you learned from it? -- painting [6]


Oh... um...
But combine them together and true beauty emerges. Painting has taught me to see the world through the unadulterated film of individuality and self-reliance; it has enabled me to perceive the beauty in everything.

Maybe like that.

Undergraduate / "I felt betrayed" Common Application Essay: personal/local concern and its importance [3]


Wow, very good. I like this part...

It never really occurred to me how love between two girls or two guys was such a big deal until my junior of high school. ----Maybe it will be better without this sentence! Isn't that a weird idea? But just look at how the essay would be without it. That intro would be clearer and more intense.

Hey, this is excellent, but I think the right thing to do is condense the story to half the size and spend plenty of time discussing the ISSUE. The story cannot be more than half the essay. You need to discuss things like Don't Ask Don't Tell, legislation about gay marriage, etc... the issue.

google

issue gay marriage arguments

Writing Feedback / TOEFL;close friends vs casual friends [4]

I think I may have told you this already, but if you write this well you will have no trouble on the toefl. Move on to higher levels of writing; check out Strunk and White. (google it)

:-)

Small improvements can be made here:

In With regard to casual acquaintances, you do not know the real character of your casual friends because you have not made much effort to know them well.

Here is my Advanced English lesson for you. Use "With regard to," a very useful phrase.

With regard to friends, it is important to try to have friends that are intelligent enough to be helpful.
With regard to essays, it is important to have a thesis statement in the first paragraph.

Undergraduate / "Visiting a friend whom I had never met before" -The biggest risk I have taken/learnt [3]

Yes, something is missing! You can't say taking a risk is virtuous in itself... the way you explained this, there is no justification for it. You have to have a moral to the story, and it has to be more meaningful than, "Through my experiences on this trip I learned various life lessons. I learned how to stand on my own two feet and not rely on my parents for everything."

I assume you had circumstances that made it okay, but this makes you seem like a rebellious, irresponsible kid who is justifying the decision, etc. I'm not saying that I think that about you, but that the essay makes it seem that way.

The solution is to acknowledge the reasonableness of your parents' concern, and acknowledge the wisdom behind such a concern. If you had a kid doing this, I doubt you would just tell her to go ahead...

And most importantly, dig deep and come up with something clear and original to say, some original insight about this. Let that become the theme of the essay. As of now, all it says is some basic stuff about "various life lessons... stand on my own two feet and not rely on my parents for everything." This is superficial. There is something more to be gained from reflecting on this experience.

Graduate / PS for petroleum engineering graduate program in UTA [4]

Excellent! I hope you do well with it. The thing about the neo-Darwinism... I think my idea was that you need to avoid sounding like you are just tossing out a cool sounding word, and the way to substantiate it is to cite a source (i.e. tell a little about the books.) It does not need to take more than a sentence.

Undergraduate / Sports Medicine Career: The beginning to an End - USC Essay [5]

Walter, now that I have seen your writing I know you have more to contribute than this! How about some feedback? :-)


Very intriguing start!

Little did I know, two other Ninja girls, twice the size of me, had sandwiched me, and both were attempting to whack the ball out of my hands. --- I don't know if "little did I know" is the right phrase to use here...

I'll add a hyphen here...and some commas
Many once-simple tasks, such as taking a shower or getting out of bed, had become now very difficult.

Hey Vivian, just like cutting players from a team, you have to cut the sentences that do not help to accomplish your GOAL. When you write, you should have a goal. For this kind of essay, it is important to make the reader think something particular about you... what is the goal? That is how to know what to cut out.

I think you can give more reflection on "what is important and why"... save some room at the end to discuss this a little more. :-)

Undergraduate / Management and Economics: Meaningful event moving to Florida - UF Essay. [4]

You are smart. A username that is a call to action is something that can be very useful online... I think I'll learn from your example and create usernames that intriguingly compel people to take action.

I came to the conclusion that Cedartown had not been not what where I wanted to be.---- maybe it is better this way? I'm not sure, maybe you were trying to say it was not WHAT you wanted to be... but it seemed strange, like a typo.

I was driven to work hard simply because I did not want to become another person who did nothing with their life from Cedartown. ----- Wow, this is a rough review! It might be good to add a sentence near the beginning that specifies that a particular part of the local culture to which you'd been exposes was particularly complacent and apathetic about education and that it is this particular group that represents what you do not want to be. That way, it won't be slandering a whole town; no matter how bad the place was, you might be better off not generalizing across the whole town.

You have a real talent. Like the username thing, you did this thing at the end of the essay that makes me really experience part of your life... that drive down I-95 is a great way to end this... pretty impressive! I hope you check out EssayForum Contributor Page and also I hope you use your writing talents in the epic battle of good vs. evil in America!

Writing Feedback / Digital textbooks vs Textbook [12]


Yes, I understand that. I wrote "all messed up" because I did not understand it when you had written "very" --- I was confused! :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: CAPITAL PUNISHMENT TO CONTROL VIOLENCE AND CRIMES? Yes, it is important [4]

I strongly affirm with my resounding agreement with the establishment of capital punishment to eradicate the increasing occurrences of such heinous crimes.

Fair enough. But some people put execution in the same category as torture (cruel and unusual punishment that is beneath humans). On the other hand, Immanuel Kant agreed with your position.

To make the argument stronger, refute the common arguments against capitol punishment.

Google this:
is capital punishment is not morally required
and this
no, capital punishment is not morally required

You will find 2 excellent articles, one of which is by Steiker.

:-) Your writing is excellent!

Undergraduate / "My ability to accomplish anything I put my mind t" - "Vires, Artes, Mores" Essay [2]

Look for places to cut out unnecessary words... like this"
...and defying gravity sounds as if it calls for physical strength, it also requires ...

After writing an essay, go back and shorten sentences by taking out unhelpful words, just like weeding a garden.

The Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" each possess their own meaning; Vires signifying strength; Artes referring to skill or craft; and Mores exemplifying character or tradition. Despite the simple translation, behind each word is a powerful story that varies from person to person. All this has to go. It's not the way to introduce this kind of essay (just my opinion, mind you!). The way to begin is to focus on ONE or TWO of the virtues and write an intro paragraph that ends with a sentence that tells -- in a single sentence -- the main message of the essay.

That way, as the reader continues reading, she will know the significance of every detail.

Writing Feedback / Veteran of Domestic Wars: I need some critique here. [3]


I think this sentence should be changed so that it specifies the experience and gives a little hint about the "theme" for this lesson or observation. Let the first para end with a sentence that intrigues the reader by hinting at what is to come.

Now he is changing the subject all together. I said in an angry bitch tone--- keep the verb tense consistent. You can put it all in present tense:

Now he is changing the subject all together. I said say in an angry bitch tone...

Hey, your last sentence does not make sense. Even an old soldier keeps an eye on the enemy... you are not an old soldier!

Anyway, be a soldier by being fearless and by being willing to not be in a relationship if that is necessary. If you are a soldier and you still think he is cheating, don't let Christianity stop you from getting a new situation! Even in Jesus' day, adultery was grounds for divorce.

You seem to have a lot of potential as a writer! Maybe this is your first "essay" in 15 years, but I suspect you have been a writer all along!

Undergraduate / "Towards a Comprehensive Understanding of Global Security" [5]

Well you certainly do not need to worry about the quality of your English. It's excellent; a person who writes this well when English is not the native language should feel proud.

My reaction to this essay is that it gives a rather general outline without taking a bold stance on the issue.

I always look to the end of the first paragraph to see what thought you leave the reader with. You end it with this: "This school is known as the "Human Security" perspective on global peace and security." ---- I wish you would add a sentence here to serve as the main idea, the central message that you want the reader to remember after finishing the essay.

Next, rewrite the body of this so that you not only cut out 100 words but actually so that you cut out at least 200 words. I suggest this because the outline is an overview, but it does not take a stance. I presume that your reader will already be familiar with these schools of thought, so I hope you will impress them with a specific argument about what is necessary, what actions can be helpful, and so forth. It is not enough to strive for discourse and theory... we need real solutions. So dig deep and take a stand.

google this: arguable thesis

Writing Feedback / EFFECTS OF INDUSTRIALIZATION TO ENVIRONMENT AND ECONOMY [7]

all over the world has significantly boosted economic performance. The impact of this growth spurt can even be felt in less developed countries like ours (name the country); however, while our economy grows...

... we should find ways on how to balance both economic growth and environmental responsibilit y..

:-)

The example about the river is great! You write very well; thanks for all your participation lately at EssayForum.

Poetry / Stepmother: Poem with a themes [2]


Is that part of the assignment? If so, it is a very impressive assignment! The teacher must be inspired or have good resources.

Your mastery of language is impressive. I assume that's because this poem is about real events; painful events make good writers. Well, you don't need help changing the verb tense or taking out "I forgive you for" so I hesitate to say anything that might mess with your process.

But how can you imply "I forgive you?" You can say it in different words... but is that really going to achieve your purpose? What is the purpose of this, and what is the experience it is supposed to provide for a reader? I wonder if some important truth about parenting might be revealed here. Or maybe this poem is written with your (autistic?) brother in mind... As you revise, stay focused on the specific effect you want to have on the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, It is unfair to have children engaged in some kind of paid work [5]

One person works on the project.
Two people work on the project.
When there is only one person/thing, the verb does not need an s on the end.

The same thing is happening here:
In spite of listed problems, everybody knows that working increase the experience and children responsibilities. --- working is one thing, so you need an s on the end of increase.

In spite of the listed problems, everybody knows that working increases the experience and the sense of responsibility.

I think, despite the fact that working can be a valuable experience, that work for children is unfair.

Nobody can protect children in environmental works. ----good point! But the sentence needs revision:
Nobody can protect children in a work environment.

Graduate / the EECS department: MS in Computer Science SOP - Reviews Requested [5]


As if those without a degree cannot leave a legacy...?


Some words of appreciation would help here.

to a great extent.---too wordy
...and I started writing programs that solve mathematical problems, which actuated my logical and analytical thinking capabilities. to a great extent.

hyphen:
life-changing

Thing is usually not a good word to use because it is unnecessarily vague:
The first observation that struck me when working at IBM was one of our ...

Refer to the quote again at the end of the essay.

Also, I think you should mention your knack for analytical thinking, etc. only once and dedicate that first paragraph to showing how the quote represents dedication to making a real contribution to the world as a way of honoring your parents' gift to you. The essay is impressive, and the only part I don't like is that the first para seems conceited. Make this about appreciation. :-)

Undergraduate / The Shins, Organization, Canon, Sandals, Grades, Yoga -Letter to your future roommate [4]

Good idea... I mean, this is a good idea for an essay, Emily.
Hey, I suggest using semi-colons instead of the numbered list:

Here's what made my list: The Shins; organization; my Canon Rebel Xs camera; ...

Immediately after the list, give a thesis statement that captures the MAIN theme of the essay, the message you want the reader to remember.

Even though the reader is getting to eavesdrop on a letter between roommates, the reader is also getting a message, a main idea, communicated to her.

Undergraduate / The role of "responsible older sister" - UC Prompt #2 [4]

Apparently, my mother went back inside, to use the bathroom and while she was in there, my brother got up and went to go look for her. When he saw the garage door open, he went outside and stood behind the car until my mother, unknowingly, backed into him. ---- This part is confusing, because I thought it happened while she was in the bathroom. Maybe you do not need to mention the bathroom.

This is weird. I can understand why your mother might have a momentary freakout in the heat of the situation, but why would aunts and uncles cast blame on the 6 year-old? It seems unrealistic.

Well, I am so sorry this happened to you, and I hope your brother is okay! As for the essay, I hope you can find phrases and sentences to shorten or remove, and use the extra space to write a longer conclusion, reflecting more on what effects this has had. What are some ways this has developed into part of your personality?

Undergraduate / " Mission to Getting Certified" about something that makes me unique- extracurricular [7]

Curiosity seems to emanate from the others in the boat, as if they could can tell that I am an amateur and wonder how I would perform in severe weather.---keep that verb tense consistent.

You should spend some time at the end telling about the meaning you can find in this experience... what it shows, what its implications might be with regard to your college aspirations, etc.

I love some of your modifiers...gracelessly ...uninviting.

Writing Feedback / Home school vs Traditional school. Which would you prefer? [4]


Good point! But let's not say 'initially.' It makes it confusing. Let's not even do things like "firstly" "secondly" and so on. Just let your topic sentences stand alone.

Initially Going to traditional schools, students learn not only information but also learn how to socialize.

Furthermore, studying at home has some disadvantages. For instance, students won't have a...
This is just like 'for example'
Furthermore, studying at home has some disadvantages. For example, students won't have a...

Therefore, they might not able to focus on their studies.
or
Therefore, they might not able to focus on studying.

:-)

Essays / Should SOP include backlogs in Practical / Lab examination ? [3]

Wow, I'm glad Linmark was here, because this confused me. What is the backlog?

Remember that a SOP is supposed to be concise and personal, and be sure to focus on your goals. I think the advice from Linmark is very wise: use it as an EXAMPLE to show that what you are saying is true.

...and what are you saying? You are saying that you are serious about something. You are telling them your purpose and your plan.