Writing Feedback / My Flight to The U.S.A [6]


Ok, got it :)


Ok, let's do it this way then;
Flying to the US for higher studies! It is the dream of every youth in my country though it comes with many obstacles. Flying to the US is itself not an easy task. This long journey in the flight was like a prior warning to us that this journey would not take us on a smooth path that is free from hardships and sacrifices.

Undergraduate / How to make my essay more rememberable?-Virginia tech transfer [4]


It is not very clear to the reader what connection your eighth grade scrapbook project had with your career goals. If this eighth grade story is not a very important one, then leave that out from writing because the it can confuse the reader.


I am keen on pursuing biomedical engineering, however, my current college neither does not offer that course nor provide research opportunities in that area.

Writing Feedback / My Flight to The U.S.A [6]


These two sentences have somewhat poor connection. Are you talking about the trip to USA or your journey of completing studies? That's not very clear :(


I took a few last photos of Istanbul while waiting at the Gate to board on the flight.


Next came the announcement for boarding and I took my seat. I was so excited.
What is the prompt? Is this for a college application or something else?

Writing Feedback / check and grade IELTS Task 1 Diagram and table are attached [7]


Hey.... where is the diagram? Upload it using "Attach file(s)" feature in the message block. It is important for us to have a look at your diagram to give you meaningful feedbacks :)


This task is about report writing. So try to report your observations accurately and direct. Use a more formal report writing style. The above two sentences can be put into one easily;

The diagram illustrates the six step process of making yogurt.

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Government should spend money for developing ICT or meeting basic needs of people? [5]

Education is an investment that gives certain returns.
Education is an investment that generates great returns.


Use of computers in education enhances its quality.


Tell how the schools can make use of them to better their education quality. That is the most important point in your argument. Then support this idea with a good example.

Scholarship / Personal Essay about who I am and what I am passionate about. [6]

Yes, we do wish you every success with your application. I am sorry that I couldn't provide you a feedback before it was submitted. However, that's now been submitted and there's no point worrying about. I think it is pretty informative and you'll get acceptance from the uni. Stay positive :D

Cheers & Good luck with admission
Pahan

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: kindly check my introductory paragraph (hook, etc) [6]

Hey that's an excellent introduction. The structure dumi has provided is kind of one fit for all which help you come out with a decent introduction without missing out features that you need to earn marks. Also, when you train yourself in one particular direction (I am talking about the structure) then it helps you save lots of time at the exam as you are already having a plan as to how you should go about. What you've written above is very creative. However, I doubt whether you have time to come up with such creative stuff in an exam scenario :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS TAsk 1 : Small fishing village become European tourist resort (Picture) [3]


.... you need to mention about the tourist resort because it may mean a little different from a normal recreation place.
The diagrams illustrate the conversion of a fishing village in a coastal area in Europe into a tourist resort.


.... several issues with this sentence - wrong grammar, no clear meaning :(


.... here you need to talk about the main observations;
Overall, there had been many developments with regard to real estate over the period. Many sky rising buildings have been built along the coast and roads have been constructed for the connectivity.

Graduate / Reference letter for admission in master degree; MSc Entrepreneurship/Management program [2]


It is with my great pleasure I write this letter of reference in support of Ms ?????? who is a candidate for admission to your master's program.


Before this, tell how long you have been knowing this person and in which capacity.
I have been knowing Ms ??? for ??? years in the capacity of her professor in ???????
While she was studying my courses, I always considered Ms. XXXX as an outstanding student who demonstrated deep understanding of the subject matter and consistently showed an excellent mark for her assignments.and secured excellent grades in a very consistent manner.

Writing Feedback / Toefl-Government's attention should be on ICT development or Meeting basic needs of people [4]

Hey, your essay seems pretty lengthy. Have you been able to finish it within 30 mins? If not you need to pay more attention to that because time matters a lot for this task.

Essays / Need to write an effective SOP, anyone give me a hand? [3]


Yep, she provides that guideline for the SOPs. This is another one I have seen her providing for some other threads (this is in more skeleton format, but provides a good insight as to how your SOP need to be constructed).

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Which makes more impact on happiness? Job or social life? [6]

I suggest you to open a new thread for your second essay. Otherwise it is unlikely you would get comment s on that one :)

To many, it is really hard to define which role is more important as far as happiness is concerned.
From what I see, it is one's social life rather than the job that serves as a more influencing factor on his or her life.


It's good to conclude the introduction by expressing your view on the argument. The reader knows and expects you to justify your opinion and therefore the above sentence doesn't serve much purpose.

Writing Feedback / IETLT Task I : Spending leisure time by young individuals and couples [9]


results of what? better specify!


The bar charts illustrate the results of a survey carried out with the participation of 1000 people who were categorized as single men and women and married couples with and without children. The objective of the survey was to find out with whom these people usually spend their leisure time.

Writing Feedback / TOPic : Long distance flights use more fuel than cars & pollute the environment! [11]

Well, I have only one essay on EF which I wrote just for fun :D ...LOL
When I wrote it I didn't have any idea about IELTS or TOEFL and it was not written for that purpose. This is it: essayforum.com/writing-feedback-3/science-vs-religion-best-people-44857/

However, you can get a knack of this structure if you read these two essays.

Hope they'll be helpful for you :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Electronic calculators should not be allowed in school [3]


... well this sentence is pretty confusing :(
You need to express your ideas clearly and completely. The above sentence ends pretty abruptly :( This is my suggestion;
"Perfect practice makes perfect result" is one of the best quotes that confirms we need to work hard to fine tune our capabilities.


As such, performing arithmetic using our own brain would enhance our skills in dealing with the properties and manipulation of numbers faster and accurate. If we use a calculator for this purpose, the brain would not get the opportunity to do such exercises and thereby weaken the arithmetic capabilities of students.

Writing Feedback / Disenfranchising women voters [6]


In this modern age of 21st century, nations can never think of development without equal contribution of both genders.


I find this a bit confusing :( Is this what you meant;
The most developed nations of the world are good examples for this phenomenon.
"phenomenon" is singular / "phenomena" is plural

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Rubbish created by humans today is a worldwide issue! [8]


Ohh.... had I ? Lol


Your writing is quite impressive.However, I like if you reduce the length of your sentences a bit more (e.g. the last sentence of your intro is a bit too long). Long sentence give more work to the reader as he needs to memorize things. The reader won't be happy to do that :D


Better you begin the body para with the reason. Your prompt asks you what are the possible causes for this situation. So, it's good you opened the para with the first reason.

Writing Feedback / One Official international Language or more languages? [6]

On the other hand, there is a school of thought that believes different languages have different identities and they speaksspeak about the culture and tradition.

My suggestion;
On the other hand, there is one school of thought that believes language is the best representation of the culture, value system and traditions of each community.


Well, the examples need to be more specific because that is what you use to support your reason for justification. So, tell the reader what exactly those languages are. Be more specific with examples.

You can write very well. Align your structure and avoid small grammar mistakes. :)

Writing Feedback / [Ielts task 1] Fish and Meat consumption in Europe from 1979 to 2004 [7]

Well, I think you are pretty good with grammar and you don't have to be confused :D

A few things I noticed;
A glance at the graph provided reveals the quantities of fish and meatsdifferent meat types consumed in a European country from 1979 to 2004.

Overall, it is evident that while the numberquantity of fish consumed remained quite steady, the firguresquantities offor three kinds of meatsmeatexperienced had considerable fluctuations.

Writing Feedback / [Ielts task 1] Fish and Meat consumption in Europe from 1979 to 2004 [7]

You need to separate the introduction and the overview. They should be two different sections. Also, you need to adopt a more reporting style with your writing because this task is to assess your report writing skills. For example -



quantities of what? You need to report your observations very clearly.

Scholarship / Personal Essay about who I am and what I am passionate about. [6]


... The two ideas, your family background and where you now living do not go well with one another :(
I was born in 1994 into an intellectual family with sound academic background.


This is pretty confusing. You had your siblings when you were nineteen? I think you need to rephrase this sentence as it tends to confuse the reader.


.... well, being the eldest does not mean the most intelligent. I think you need to attend to this sentence too :(

Essays / Help on how to decide on the info stated in body paragraphs for war comparison essay [3]

This is my suggestion - Write one body para to educated the reader about LBJ's justifications. Use the second one to talk about Bush Jr's justifications. In the third para, present your analysis ( compare and contrast the two). Is this strictly 3 body paras or you can have more ? If so, you can have the third and fourth to talk about similarities and differences. Hope this is helpful :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Joint family versus Independent family [5]


... This is the sentence you use to introduce the background of the topic to the reader. So, here you need to include all important points. You have missed this point;


.... you use the phrase "family relationship" to hint this idea, but it does not deliver this fully. Make sure you include all important aspects of your prompt when you are describing the background of the issue. This is what my suggestion is;

One of the most noticeable changes is about distant family relationships compared to those in the previous eras.

Scholarship / Hospitality major: Who I do not want to be, what I can do for others. [2]


These sentences have some problems. Grammar is not that great here, but more than that I am confused about what sort of idea you are trying to deliver. Why do you particularly mention about you summer experience. I think you need to talk about a little more details about that to reduce the readers confusion.

The last summer was instrumental in changing my perception about Hospitality. From a very young age, I was forced to deal with many traumatic experiences caused by alcoholism that dominated my family background.

Speeches / Heavy dependence on the Internet [5]


...capitalize Internet :)


some people cannot tolerate even five minutes without having the Internet access


However, imagine a situation that internet suddenly shuts down for one day without any prior warning or even having no particular reason for such shut down.

Writing Feedback / TOPic : Long distance flights use more fuel than cars & pollute the environment! [11]


Ok, let's construct your introduction (this essay) as per the structure :)


Air pollution is one of the biggest threats that we face today which can cause diseases and impair our health. (your hook).
The poisonous gases discharged from all kinds of vehicles are one of the major reasons for air pollution. The long distance flights that consume much larger quantities of fuel in contrast what is consumed by automobiles are believed to be causing more damage to the air than automobiles. Therefore, some people view that we should discourage air travel for non essential purposes rather than attempting to control the usage of automobiles(the background with what you introduce the context of the issue to your reader)

In my opinion, I agree with this view partially (this is the thesis statement - tell your opinion there)

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Advertising can tell you a lot about a country [7]


This whole part seems to be out of topic. You need to focus more on your what your prompt suggests. Keep a proper alignment between your writing and the prompt.

Writing Feedback / toefl - what are the qualities of a good neighbor? 'friendly and trustworthy' [3]


.... the last part is redundant, so I cut it off. Also, the neighbors have a significant influence on our lives. This is more obvious especially when you have real bad neighbors :D


.... The first portion had been told repetitively :(
Avoid repetition.

Writing Feedback / a short essay describing yourself as a person [3]


The potential of a nurse to influence a kid's recovery cannot be measured.


Tell you love to be around children and therefore you particularly love this field :) Here you need to describe about yourself in addition to talking about your career aspirations. So make every opportunity to describe your character as well. That aspect seems to be not attended properly.

Essays / Misery and Pain in the House of Pain [5]

Well, where is your draft paper for us to review? :D
Post it here now for us to have a look at it. Also, why are you particularly asking for three areas of weakness? I don't get what you are tying to mean by that :( Also, mention the purpose of this writing so that we can provide more meaningful comments to you.

Scholarship / Personal Statement- IELTS Scholarship; master degree in Distributed System [7]

The classroom lectures provided us with not only strong understanding about the subject knowledge, but also they equipped us with professional exposure through designing and implementing various practical applications for both computer networking and DS.

Also working as a member of the teaching staff at computer department at both The Palestine Technical College and The Islamic University Of Gaza have gainedenabled me to gain some me thriving knowledge and rich experience while teaching advanced computer modules of which are related to DS.

Writing Feedback / Pros or cons of mobile phone; contribution to society cannot be underestimated [8]


... why did you say "multicultural" society? What's the significance? You better tell the reader about that as it is otherwise not clear to them.

Anyway, it's a very good intro :)


For instance, those who use phones too often and for longer periods can be prone to certain health issues.
You write extremely well :) Good grammar, vocabulary, presentation and of course essay structure :) Overall , very good job!

Speeches / My Hero: Carlos Miranda [5]


This hardworking man is no other person, but Mr Carlos Miranda, my beloved father. .... I added those extra words as you are getting ready for a speech.


He is my all time hero because he displayed his endless courage and strength, especially when he was in troubles.
He has gone through many difficulties and made sacrifices and always has a positive attitude and keeps moving forwardfor the sake of his family. He always holds a very positive attitude that keeps him moving forward.

Good writing :)

Writing Feedback / Hydro-electric power generation [3]

Water from the sea is heated by the sun and evaporates up to the sky, where itthis vapor meets cold air making it turn into clouds, then falls down to the earth throughas the rain.


It's good if you improve clarity of this sentence. It is not very clear :( Shorten the sentences and have two sentences instead of one to give the details of the process of generating hydro power.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Professors should do more research or teach students? [11]

Some are afraid that this will lead to the decline of education quality and suggest them to spend more time on teaching. However, according to my experiences, professors should be encouraged to mainlyto do research.

Good intro :)
Universities are relatively fenced environments.


....I still remember

Well, I think the main reason that you use to defend your position is that research efforts of the unis help them improve their standard and ranking. Isn't it?

Writing Feedback / Having a trip with a tour leader definitely helps the one to enjoy his trip in the best way [5]


vacation


did not like/ not liked
I feel you have some understanding about the overall essay structure for this task. However, you need to fine tune it a little more. Pay attention to what dumi suggested above for your intro. Also this is the structure she suggests for the overall essay and I feel it's worth following. Read the sample essays to get an idea of it!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Equal number of gender in the universities entrance [12]

However the number of male and female who entrancingentering university also has differences.
Well, this sentence does not deliver a clear idea about what you mean. I think you need to rephrase this again.


This is also very very confusing. As dumi suggested above, write simple sentences that can be easily comprehended. Once you gained a good knack of this task through your practice essays you can slowly build more complex sentences.

Writing Feedback / Solutions to improve public health. [6]


I love this hook :) Very good :)


Hey, this sounds a bit stereotype statement :D This may not be true with some countries, especially the developed one. So, be careful when you make generalizations!


.... How about the other side of the argument?


You need to introduce this side of the issue to the reader too... Make sure that you properly introduce the background of the issue in the introduction :)

Writing Feedback / Child is like a piece of white paper available for anything to be written on [2]


Better you do not narrow down the scope of your prompt which talks about "foreign languages" in a broader perspective. Keep your intro more open . Also you do not need to have examples in the introduction. Body paragraphs are the places that you need to include examples to keep convincing your reader about your opinion on the argument.


....


.... well, if you support a certain position in the argument, keep supporting that in your body paras too. Do not talk about the other side as it doesn't help you justify your position.

Writing Feedback / "to teach or understand the concept of the topic" - purpose of teaching and learning is same [7]

In today's technological world, myriad options are available offor acquiringgaining information such as internet and iBook's.


I think you deviate a lot from your topic while introducing it to the reader. Here you need to focus more on showing the importance of understanding concepts and fundamentals of subjects. However, you've gone pretty out of topic. Also, it is good if you post the topic in full for us to understand what it really requires.