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Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6793  
From: Sri Lanka

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dumi   
Nov 16, 2012
Undergraduate / Photography and bees - Elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities. [4]

I love photography like a bee loves honey.

... ha hahaa :D ... Very nice : )

It records portions of my life and places and events I have been to.

I suggest:

It records my heat felt memories and keeps them close to my heart :D

Somewhere try to include the aesthetic part of photography ... It's an art that only creative people can enjoy : )
Do you have a particular word count limit? Otherwise you can include one or two additional sentences to enrich this.
Good Job and Good luck! : )
dumi   
Nov 16, 2012
Undergraduate / I can still hear the applause; Leadership in MUN [200] [2]

I can still hear the applause; I can still smell the raw excitement that the moment offered.
Being chosen as the main submitter for THIMUN, lobbying was crucial; ideas were thrown out into the field. However, despite a flurry of activities, hours passed with no substantial results. After careful analysis of the situation, I realized that the team lacked confidence not in the resolution --- but themselves.

------- Impressive :D

--- but themselves.

--------- but in them

Having identified the problem, I brought changes to my priorities shifted .

------------ this is about your leadership skills. So keep yourself in the focus.... Tell them the role you played : )

The resolution hadwas passed.

but it helped me identify my weaknesses.

----------- well.... weakness is an alarming word :D. Also you don't tell what are your weaknesses to them and keep them on hold :D ... Why not say this differently?

but helped me identify the areas I need to improve too.

the work is not everything.

------------ I find this part also is not adding much value to your answer. In fact it breaks the smooth flow of your essay. : )
dumi   
Nov 16, 2012
Graduate / Statement of Purpose for my Application to graduate program in linguistics [3]

Hi : )

My interest in linguistics has been gradually developed through my undergraduate studies. When I tried to find an English equivalent for a Chinese word or expression, I ended up finding the absence of this relationship.

Well, by reading your essay I can see you are quite proficient in English language and possess many credentials to be selected for this course. You express your ideas very clearly displaying good grammar and vocabulary skills too. However, SOP is the one that you are going to introduce you as a person to the admin committee. So for them to remember you among thousands of applications, you need to present it a way that they'll feel you are the type of student they need. So you need lots of creativity displayed here which needs, in common language, " a hook" :D

So I feel the above provides you a great opportunity for you to start with introducing yourself to them ; I suggest you to include real life experiences and use them to tell different facets of your character. That would be more interesting for others to follow than reading a sequence of records or justifications. Why not start off with an incident that is connected with the part highlighted above and get a creative entrance to your SOP? You can write so well and why not make advantage of your skill? : )

dumi   
Nov 16, 2012
Undergraduate / People come and go; It is all about attitude/ Person who had an impact on me [3]

and there is always someone that leaveswho walks away from your life.

it doesn't matter if they are physically with you or they're just in your mindthoughts ,

There is one particular manperson

he taught me something that changed my mindcharacter completely.

He'sHis name is Juris Green

dumi   
Nov 16, 2012
Undergraduate / 'learned a lot from bob and his father' - important person common app essay [2]

The first time I went to the Light House Mission in Coney Island with my youth group, I was in ninth grade and did not know what toexpect.

... this last word confuses the reader. ''what to expect? ''' ...it is because we do not have any idea at this point what your mission is about. We have to read the forthcoming paras to get an idea what the purpose of this visit. So I'd suggest something like:

The first time I joined the Light House Mission in Coney Island with my youth group, I was in ninth grade and had no idea about the purpose of this mission and what it would mean to me.

all the doubtfulness in my head went awaydoubts began to clear.

I had no right to complain about anything when most of these people could still smile despite havinghave no jobs n or homes, but they werestill able to smile through theirand endless struggles in life.

As they began telling me their storyies

I think you should introduce Bob at least in the last sentence of the introductory para. Just briefly which even doesn't need his name ; for example;

Among all these people, one person caught my special attention.
dumi   
Nov 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / By punishing murders with the death penalty. [3]

There arae a variety of fixed punishments which is neccessary (for what?),

Sounds incomplete; tell the reader why such punishments are necessary

some people argued that the death penalty deprived the living right for living of humanspeople and sometimes may cacreificed the individuals who are innocent.

Also state your opinion in the introduction. Do you agree with the statement? or not? You should mention that in the intro.
dumi   
Nov 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / Health safety and budget - how important to the society - Ielts test [7]

One more tip:

Since you have the exam tomorrow and practised quite well already, I think you should now take a break and stop writing new ones. Instead read the essays others have written on possible topics to pick up good points (this would help your speaking tasks as well). Try and relax as much as possible because that would be very helpful for you to deliver good answers tomorrow. That's why I suggested to stop writing new essays : )
dumi   
Nov 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / Health safety and budget - how important to the society - Ielts test [7]

If I am the examiner, you can expect a better score :D

Well... you write really good. But pay attention to the required structure and time management. I guess you can go for a very good score. Just let yourself free from stress and don't think about the score. You need free thinking to come out with a nice piece of writing. You'll do fine at the exam. : )
dumi   
Nov 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS WT2: Library vs. Computer Technology [7]

Advancement in technology has rapidly peaking towards success for the last 100 years.

When you introduce the topic, try as much as you can to align your first sentence with the core of your topic. In that sense, this sentence does not add any value to your essay. Remember, the first sentence needs to be a catchy one because that's the one which is going to give the first impression about your writing ability. Open with a simple interesting sentence that easily paves the way for you to proceed with your topic. For example:

Rapid advancement of computer technology led the world to shift from hard copies to the soft copies.
this one looks more aligned with your topic. Always be concious about what the prompt ask and maintain that alignment without deviating from it.
dumi   
Nov 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / Health safety and budget - how important to the society - Ielts test [7]

Since ages, health safety has always been a key concern for society.

substitute offor health

bringing knowledge

---------- building awarness - better usage - just a tip : )

should be organizesd

Good Job! .... Go and face it confidently; you do fine : )
GOOD LUCK !

dumi   
Nov 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS WT2: Preservations of Museums and artworks [2]

Hi Inspired,

I'm marking and giving you every little bit that I think a better way of expressing. It does not mean that you write bad, but I want to work with you for you to get your desired score. So, just pay a little attention and don't be discouraged that you don't do well.... ok? : )

Preservation of history is very vital in determining the present identity of a certain country nation (nation is a better word because it involves the people of that country). Reliving the past through museums and artworksdisplays(the prompt treat them as two different things, so maintain it) bring people back to where it all started. It is agreed that both are very valuable for the country, for history and culture, whether its is from both international or local aspectsperspectives . The proof of how a country lives the way it is now and how people from the past helpshave helpedto shape a nation as it is seencan be seen when you visit a Museum will serve as evidences of this argument .

Well... you have a few issues with grammar in this intro, which I have not seen in your previous essays. May be you are under stress now. Forget it.... what has happened is now in the past and we must strive for a better score now. So, my advice is to try with simple, yet interesting sentences. They help you manage time too. I follow this structure for the intro- 1. Briefly introduce the topic; e.g.

Museums and artworks contribute a lot to preserve the identity of a nation and make them more patriotic. From the international perspective too, they not only unfold the evolution of mankind and the entire eco system, but also help nations to learn valuable lessons from the past that help them rectify present and future mistakes.

2. State your opinion: Therefore I agree with this statement.
I generally introduce the topic; then state my opinion and briefly explain the reasons. Here I included the reasons together with the intro to the topic.

Practise this structure ... it would be helpful... I'll soon come with my suggestions on other parts. Also read others essays too. They will give you points. See whether you can google and get Jason Ranshow's website for TOEFL independent writing task.... his tips are quite good and helpful for IELTS too

dumi   
Nov 15, 2012
Undergraduate / 'born autistic and verbal' - summer research program. short answer [3]

You have a great case and a real reason to put forward to the admission committee. If you improve this a bit more it would be one of the most effective SOPs they would see : )

Coming from a big city, living with a big family, and having big dreams sometimes might be difficult to put hand in hand. (this is a good opening but how do you connect this idea with the rest? after reading your SOP I felt that those reasons fit with one another well and made you pursue your research interests ) One out of the six siblings is an astonishing and extraordinary person that changed my whole perception of life and science. That is my older sister, Ashwag, 23 years old, and born autistic. The love and fascination of science and medicine started out with her.

The first few introductory sentences sound a bit abrupt. I feel they are loosely connected too and that makes the reader to put effort to understand what you try to mean. So this is what I suggest, but you would do it better than me : ):

Living in a big city, being a part of a big family and having big dreams sometimes may look not easy for a person to handle or cope with. However, those are the very reasons that shaped my character and gave me a meanigful reason for life while providing me with strength and confidence.(stop here and go to the next para to tell the story about your sis)

It is one extrodinary character who influenced my whole perception about life. She is no other person, but one of my six siblings. Ashwag, my older sister who is now 23 years old is a born autistic. Her life long struggle with autism is the very reason that aroused a great interest for science and medicine in me..... ...continue to tell about her story and your involvement.

She was born autistic (this you mentioned earlier too and therefore sounds repetitive... better take it off) and lost verbal communication completely afteruntil she was 5 years old.

Overall, I think you have done a good job.... your SOP sounds very genuine and explains that you a worthy person. I'm glad to have met a person like you in this forum.

Good Luck!

dumi   
Nov 15, 2012
Essays / 'Pepsi and Coke' - High School currently has a contract with Pepsico Company [2]

Write your introduction para and post it here. We'll give you feedbacks and our ideas to improve it.

Here's some tips to get started:
1) Think why you chose option 1 and take down the reasons one by one.
2) Write your introduction - Introduce the topic by briefly explaining the background (cafetaria contract) and then state your choice (option 1); then tell why you think so by mentioning the reasons you toook down already (very briefly).

If you write a full essay, in your body paras you can explain the reasons in detail (one reason for one para)
dumi   
Nov 15, 2012
Undergraduate / My Catholic childhood and those weekly classes- UC Prompt #1 [8]

There are some who take those talents to heart and grow up continuing to practice and improve on them, but numerous peoplemany end up loathing them.

Although I wasn't taught how to play an instrument or trained in Karate,forced to learn such things that were not in my interest , (you mentioned these activities in the previous sentence; so this sounds repetitive) there was one thing I grew tired of during my childhood, and that was religion.

Catholic School was the same story as I also had to attend mass, but on different days. However, those days were more enjoyable since I spent them with my classmates.

------------ I feel this is a bit too descriptive; put everything together and make it one sentence:
It was almost the same scenario in my Catholic school too where I had to attend mass regularly though it was not as bad as my general Sunday experience because I had my classmates around.

There was just something about being with friends that made even the most boring activities a lot more fun.

-------- I dont understand whay you mean; I feel you better rephrase it

Years later, at the end of my sixth grade year , I moved to another country.

-------- I suggest you to start a new para with this sentence... this is an important milestone in your life; Also leave one blank line between the paras to improve presentation of your essay : )

Overall, I think you've done a real good job! Good Luck!
dumi   
Nov 15, 2012
Graduate / 'As a child growing up in Bronx...' - Biology PhD Personal Statement [2]

.... I find this impressively expresses your motivation and aims .... good job : )

I read it in full and must say that you've done a real good job... However, I noticed you haven't talked anything about your personal background (question 3 ) in support of your proposed academic studies... that's the only missing piece I could find. :D
dumi   
Nov 14, 2012
Undergraduate / Personal statement for review: emergence of a confident and adventurous personality [2]

I used to spend a lot of time wondering to figure out what exactly my personality is.

I often wondered where to start with this problem.

--------- I think this sentence is made redundant by the previous one. It does not seem to add much value to your essay and I feel it reads better without this one.

It seemed that whenever I thoughtthink of some personality trait I hadof mine that I possess , I always findthere were situations where I had performed anopposite actionsthat display opposite of such traits .

At this age, you probably haven't lived through enough experiences to really know the difference between your core personality and your outer tendencies.

This is good ; you sound genuine .... : )
In my view, we cannot understand what is our core personality because we, the human beings are subject to constant change. Time, circumstances, environment and various other things keep on changing our personality.... : )
dumi   
Nov 14, 2012
Graduate / essay for PhD position in evolutionary biology [5]

All these questions made me more excited and I opted for life sciences as major during my intermediate level studies.

I suggest:
All these excitements contribute to the advent of my passion for life sciences which I opted as my major for the intermediate level studies.

Questions like why there are certain characters which are specific to humans, why only humans developed the power of speech, why apart from 90% similarity with other primates humans are very different and possess some unique characters? were always fascinating for me.

the word "like" gets repeated here, so I suggest you to rephrase this sentence:
Why there are certain characters which are specific to humans?; why only humans developed the power of speech?; why apart from 90% similarity with other primates humans are very different and possess some unique characters?. These were a few questions that often facinated me.
dumi   
Nov 14, 2012
Essays / Difficulties in formulating policy to stop objectionable practices [2]

Their frustrations resultstoin huge anti-American sentiments

He states how they haveAmericans show no respect for their culture and privacy, which makes him wantcompells him to join the Taliban.

Furthermore, after the Bush Administration installsinstallation of a corrupt puppet government with Hamid Karzai as the President in December 2004 by the Bush Administration , many more civilians feel hatred towards the United States.

As people start to turn their backs against the United States and Afghanistan's government, they add more terrorists and increases the difficulties in formulating successful foreign policies to stop themprevent terrorism .

Due to so much anti-American sentiments, many civilians begin to join the Taliban which makes them stronger than before .

As more troops enter Afghanistan, there is more resistance from the populationnative Afgans .

The more night raids and inspections troops perform to find Taliban or Al-Qaeda members, manythe more civilians liewould be there to protect them.

If civilians cannot be on the United States' side, formulating a foreign policy is nearly impossible.

I think it's better to end with a strong cliche':
Therefore winning the hearts of Afgan people is a crucial factor for USA to formulate a successful foreign policy for Afganistan.
dumi   
Nov 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Serving as a PCV / Trust, confidence, integration' - Peace Corps application essays [2]

Here's some suggestions to come down on word count :

A week's effort equated to the following week's groceries. I knew my mother did not have much in regards to financial wealth but she had wealth of a different nature - generosity, kindness, and a sense of care for everyone. It is fromBy watching her always making an efforts to give to othershelp others who are even lesser fortunate than ourselves that I got inspired mefrom a young age to help othersfollow her foot steps.SheHaving barely had anythingnothing for herself,yet she was always felt compelled to help total strangers in need. Be it loose change, a snack, or the sweater on her back, rest assure my mother would make some kind of difference. I too desire to make a difference whether it is within the larger community or just a positive impact on an individual.

Another reason for why I want to serve as a volunteer is that in doing so,By helping others, you will build bridges of friendship and compassion and which in turn will create a greaterattachment and a sense of community among total strangers. Having lived most of my life so far in City Heights, one of the most culturally affluent communities of San Diego, I have seen first hand the benefits that come from such relationships. In my early teens, I participated in various cultural events in my neighborhood, from helping the Cambodian Buddhist Society fundraise at their New Year celebration to helping the Pacific Islander Festival Association to provide information to goers of their Pacific Islander Festival. I feel that if there is unfamiliarityWhen people of thedifferent customs and traditions between different ethnic groups that happen to reside together in a condensed neighborhood they need to gel well for the betterment of their , it will hinder any attempt of community development. So it is my goal to always trycontribute to createing a bond between people to establish that ever solive with a great sense of community.

dumi   
Nov 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Los Angeles culture' - UC prompt#1; My parents are both from Egypt [7]

Well ... pick a few of your personality traits that you think may impress the admission committee and present them throuth your family/ culture or experiences :D

From this I picked a few :

you are disciplined ; your parents are strickt and no nosense :D
you are caring and try to be a role model to the younger siblings : you grew up in a large family which appreciated joint family concept

you are hardworking and resilient - family hardships that you experienced

Put them one by one in order... Have separate paras for each and present them creatively :)
dumi   
Nov 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'My family and my interest in computers' - UC 1 - world you come from [4]

Well.... the rest don't stand up to the level that you show in presenting your first para. I'd suggest you not to detail each one's contribution seperately ( i mean your family members) in three separate paras. It looks overly done. I think it is better if you treat them as one bunch and talk about how they shaped different facets of your aspirations and character. Have more focus on you, I mean the impact on you.
dumi   
Nov 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'My family and my interest in computers' - UC 1 - world you come from [4]

The delightful smell of cinnamon rolls, the sizzling of sweet potatoes and the sight of freshly diced tomatoes surround me as I look around the kitchen. For most people, cooking at the age of ten was a burden, but for me it was a pleasure since this gave me an opportunity to show my appreciation for my parents. It's undoubtedly true that parents hold the highest bearing in the shaping of one's life, and I know this from experience.

Very beautiful introduction : )

My other relativesOur extended families live in far away countries so it is just the four of us most of the timethat made my family members very closely knitted. As a result, these three other peoplemy parents and my brother have a great impactinfluence on my dreams, my goals and my personality.

dumi   
Nov 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'boys versus girls' - Texas A- Person who has made an impact on your life [3]

It hurts I felt betrayed as I tried to comprehend that how suchso close a close friend could hate me so much.

she just seemed to be so proud of herself

qu ite

It was a tie till the last point but when Mitali wrongly answered the last question, the boys' team won and tears fallwere rolling on her cheeks .

dumi   
Nov 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS WT2: Position of women in Society and their career status [10]

Hi Inspired2012 : )

So I'm here to comment on your essay :D ... LOL


It will be argued that ideal parenting has nothing to do with whether the mother is working or not.

Hey.... why not say this straight? It would be more interesting and nice without getting us to stand on our head ...lol :
I am of the view that ideal parenting has nothing to do with whether the mother is a working woman or not.

For example, a mother maybe spending the whole day with her children but leaving them to watchwatching TV or to do somedoing unproductive activities all day , doesdo not help the children at all.

--------- great point; you are so clever :D

Good structure; great ideas/ reasons with excellent examples... Go, do your exam and post us your scores to celebrate :D
Good Luck!

dumi   
Nov 14, 2012
Research Papers / Research essay about diabetes, a challenging and chronic disease [2]

In America, due the fact that fast food restaurants are located at every corner many people becomesobesity obese leading to huge risk factors.

this sentence tends to confuse the reader. Looks like you have cramped too many ideas in it. Are you trying to say ;In America where you find fast food restaurants in every nook and corner, many people face the challenge of fighting obesity which is an obvious concequence of accommodating fast food in their regular diet. However, this alarming trend leads to many health related issues such as life threatening "Diabetese".
dumi   
Nov 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Not the best start in high-school' / 'Moved to Florida' - UCF Essays- advice [3]

Similar to many teenagers, my start toat high school was not the best, both academically and personally.

You tell about the death of your uncle and that it depressed you. But you don't tell us why that incident had such a heavy impact on you. Why your uncle was so important to you? how did he die? He abruptly appears here and there in your essay. Then comes a new person, your friend.

I think you need to link these things together so that it unfolds an interesting story. You write well, but need to improve the organizaiton of your story.
dumi   
Nov 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Making up the lost time' - UC prompt 1 [7]

I think you can keep it , after all I think it provides you a good entrance.... You wanted to become a teacher, it was in your fairy tale dreams, but you had no idea why and how you can be so. Because at that time you were not inspired by anything special to follow your dream. It was your father and his courageous pursuit of his dream that filled this missing part. So build your story in that direction and align it to the prompt as much as you can : )
dumi   
Nov 14, 2012
Undergraduate / Essay on academic interests - Kimchi, Kiwi, and Made in China :) [7]

Glad to know that my comments are helpful : )
You are pretty creative and I love your simple style of writing which is very interesting and more conceivable. So I thought I must try my best to help you with the last concluding para. This is just for your thoughts, but what you've written is also very good :


Being exposed to such diverse cultures, I had a great opportunity to broaden my perspectives; I made countless mistakes in this journey due to my ignorance of others' values, but all those experiences taught me valuable lessons and helped me grow and mature as a person. I am no more a narrow minded lad whose world rotates around himself. Instead I am someone with a depth. I now appreciate the human diversity and believe in co-existance. As a prospective college student, I am excited to share my imperfect yet meaningful experiences of the past that challenged me to see beyond my narrow set of codes. I can proudly tell my colleagues that my life as a wandering youth was definitely worth leaving my delicious Korean snacks.

I can proudly tell my colleagues that my life as a wandering youth was definitely worth leaving my delicious Korean snacks.

----------- lovely.... simply beautiful : )
dumi   
Nov 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / Narrative essay in betrayal; 'John Dustin was the most popular boy in school' [2]

He was like a Greek God with a well sculpted body and features that even men envied

hey... women don't envy good looking guys, but go crazy... only men envy ...lol
So, I suggest you to take off the word "even" and say:

He was like a Greek God with a well sculpted body and features that evenoften make men envied

both John and Ariel waswere accepted

I wasn't sure that Ariel was a girl until you said that they fell in love because that name is not a common female name for me.... Just give some thought on that and introduce her to the reader in your earlier para.

Both (no fullstop: hope it's a typo :D) worked hard and they flourished in their respective careers and soon they decided to settled downtie the nuptial knot. It was a simple yet a beautiful marriage ,attended by close friends and family members.Initially, they rented an apartment in the suburbs but within a short span of five years, they become well established in their respective fields and prospered financially .It was the right time for them to start a family, Ariel conceived with a baby. It was the happiest day for them when they heard the first cry of their childbaby . After their child was bornedborn John was offered the position of a senior manager and Ariel left her job b astay at homemumto be the best mom for her baby. Life was good for them .They bought a semi detached home in an exclusive neighborhood .They dined at the best restraintsrestaurantsand hopped intofrequent popular clubs frequently .Their child was literally born with a silver spoon in her mouth ,she wentwas admitted to the best private school in the locality and had the best tutor to coach her personally. Basically their life was heavenly until Lily came aboutentered the scene

You are quite creative in presenting ideas.... Good Job!
dumi   
Nov 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay main benefit of international cooperation [7]

When it comes to the advantages brought by cooperation in international circumstances(no fullstop here)Pp eople hold divergentdifferent views.

The word "when" is a subordinating conjunction that combines two events, ideas, happenings etc.

Some allegeassert that the primary value of international cooperation is in the efforts of environmental conservation; others contendcontest that world business is the chief beneficiary.

In this essay, I am going to explore these two sides first before presenting my personal understanding.

---------- the reader anyway expects and knows that you to do this. So better you indicate him what your opinion on this theme at this point so that he would be ready to follow you why you think that way. For example:

In my view, I think that international cooperation benefit both these aspects equally.----------- this is something important for the reader to know to follow your forthcoming paras.
dumi   
Nov 13, 2012
Undergraduate / Essay on academic interests - Kimchi, Kiwi, and Made in China :) [7]

Since then, my life has been a continuous cyclechallenged by a sequence of moving and adjusting. Such abrupt changes in environment brought confusion and fear, but it also rewarded me withthea wealth of experience I gained through these travels hasthat molded me into a flexible and stronger personality .

While children of my age in Korea were already memorizing the multiplication tables, I was busy playing on the trampoline and enjoying delightful dairy products.

Although the Korean side of me constantly wants to shout "Faster," I am tryingtried to become accustomed to the slow and calm nature of the Thai people.

Being exposed to such diverse cultures has undeniably allowed me to see a wider view of the worldbroaden my perspectives and appreciate cultural diversity .

I must say that you have presented the answer very creatively.... Great Job and I loved every line of your essay!
Good Luck!!!!!!!!!

dumi   
Nov 13, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Greater than normal: demand and expectations' - quality, talent personal statement [9]

She never made it pastpass the third grade which left her illiterate.

you have a strong case, but it is a bit over expressed.... I would suggest to leave out the part that I highlighted because it sounds repetitive. Introduce a few sentences to tell the admission committee about how you coped with all those hardships, what motivated you to stand out against all odds... that part is missing here.
dumi   
Nov 13, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Making up the lost time' - UC prompt 1 [7]

When I was a kid, I have always told the people around me that I wanted to become a teacher. In response, they would ask me why, but my answer had always been a simple, "I don't know". Eventually, this desire gradually subsided as I passively observed my dad.

I guess you try to say that you did not have a proper direction or dedication in pursuing your dream at the start, but by seeing how your father's perseverance and commitment to achieving his goal you got inspired and motivated that helped you too become dedicated to your dream. However, you need to give some indication about this by the last sentence. The sentence I have highlighted (in bold) is not strong enough to establish a link between this para and the forth coming ones.

This business consisted of theminvolved manufacturing or repairingreceiving orders from restaurants to construct or repair pieces ofkitchenrelatedutensils in stainless steelequipmentupon orders from the restaurants.

It was not a big business of any sort, butThough not very a business of large scale ittheir business did decently well. But after a while, my dad had decided to end the partnership because he felt that he was being taken on advantage of since he did 99%; hisof the business's work while his partner'scontribution began to drop and my father had to manage everything about it .and did nothing to benefit the business .
dumi   
Nov 12, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Yoga practice' - What do you think are the best ways of reducing stress? [4]

People are no longer satisfied only with a successful career but also an appealing appearance, a wealthy social life, and a colorful lifestyle.

Your topic is about ways of reducing stress. Therefore you should quickly come to the topic. In this essay, you have consumed about one and half paras to describe stress and the reasons causing stress, which is , in my view, a bit too dragging and irrelevant to this essay. Instead you should address what the topic asks you ; what are the best ways of reducing stress? Use specific details and examples to support your opinion.

You should also provide specific examples to support your reasoning. For instance, in this essay you can tell about a person who is stress free by practicing yoga.


. Appropriate amount of stress makes oneself more motivated and more productive

It's a well-known trigger for depression and it can also cause such illnesses as ulcers and heart disease. So it is vital to find a way of coping with stress.

I, personally, am believed that Yoga practice- including breathing, posture, and meditation- is the best way to relieve pressure.

dumi   
Nov 12, 2012
Writing Feedback / Universities should provide graduates with the knowledge or with work experience? [3]

On the other hand, others claim that universities and industries should completecompliment each other.

Good introduction... but it's even better if you state your opinion in the intro and that would help you navigate the reader in your desired direction and earn marks from the examiner : )

Some people think that universitie (unis teach other sujects too, not just ss should keep their academic atmosphere and concentrate on purely subject relatedscientific cience ....) issues. Whether these subjects are practical or not (this part is confusing.... why you say the subjects are practical or not? ) , it is obvious that plenty of univeity'smost of the university curriculum, which areis very important and fundamental, areis not applicable in business and industries. For example, mathematics in engineering majors is a basic course for next important courses like Machine Design. These are such influential courses that cannot be ignored simply.

My suggestion:
The reason is that most of the subjects contain many facets that may have little relevance to applicability in businesses or industries. However, leaving these sections out from the curriculum might affect the student in understanding the fundamentals that lay the foundation for him to understand more advanced and complicated theories that are directly involved with industries and businesses. For example, an Engineering student must follow a basic mathematics course that prepares him for following more advance courses such as Machine Design. Mathematics does not have a direct relevance to the industry applications, but Machine Design does.

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