Writing Feedback / The average weight of people is increasing/ What do you think about this trend? [7]



... I prefer if you say '' increase in the rate of overweight people''

Undergraduate / Common App extracurricular essay - hospital volunteer [2]


I feel you should establish a link between these two sentences to arrange your flow of ideas.
E.g. Every Sunday, I can be found in the halls of ______ Hospital, the place that provided me with a great insight into the medical world.


.... this is all what you talk explicitly about your experience. Why not consume another sentence to elaborate the work you did? I feel it's important and worth trying.

Anyways... it's well written. GOOD LUCK!

Undergraduate / 'the way I have been raised' - Personal statement for UC admissions [9]

Hi joyciiyang,

It's a pleasure helping you with giving my comments. Here are my suggestions for the proceeding para:


From the reader's point, I have a problem in understanding whether you talk about events happened earlier or you are still in college and talking about the present. It happens because you sometimes write in present tense. If you tell me the purpose of this essay and what you intend to write here, I think I can help you better if you need my help.

cheers
dumi : )

Graduate / 'living up to the high expectations' - sop for ms mechanical engineering [6]

I prefer if you have your second para as the introductory para. This is your SOP and may be the first impression you are going to make about yourself. So having more creativity in this essay would help you impress the panel. Start with how you developed the passion for mech eng and then proceed. : )

Undergraduate / Is education is more important than experience to be success in the area work? [3]

Your introduction has several issues :(
First, it contains sentences that lack relevance. For example, the first sentence does not contribute anything to your topic. Your topic clearly ask whether it is the educational qualifications or the experience that matters more for performing job functions better. So, you need to address that in the introduction.

Secondly, you need to express your opinion. Do you think education is more important? or the experience?
Thirdly, you need to pay attention to clarity of your sentences.

Writing Feedback / Higher education of advanced learning and teaching - better jobs for graduates? [3]


... this sentence is too long and therefore it sounds confusing to the reader. By splitting it two sentences, you can improve clarity of this sentence.

Also, it is better if you express your view very briefly in the introduction.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: PARENTS ARE THE BEST TEACHERS [6]



----- good advice. Yes.... this type of exams need you to state your opinion very clearly in the introduction. That helps you earn more marks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay severe punishment for traffic offensese [4]


When you say '' I agree with the view '', the reader gets the impression that you either feel such actions are the best way to curb accidents happening or otherwise. That's why hvthoteen has commented :


However, I do not see anything wrong in taking a moderate stance as you have taken in this essay. Only you need to justify why you hold such opinion giving reasons to both sides and supporting them with good examples.

You write well and also you follow the expected structure. Pay more attention to vocabulary and grammar. I like your style of writing.

Plainly Simply, one of the effective punishments is more serious penalty points. Recently, in China, the Department of Transportation putintroduced a regulation which doubtsassigns the penalty points to the drivers when they do not follow for breaking traffic lightsinto practice , this means if you disobey traffic lightsin twice, your driving license will be disqualified. Thanks to this drivers have become more awarecareful and cautious about obeyingof traffic law and comply with it better since they know thehave to face with more serious consequences afterby violating the law .

GOOD LUCK! :)

Undergraduate / 'academic programs of biology and classics' - Cornell Supplement Essay [5]

Undergraduate / Need help on personal essay for slp graduate school [3]


This is your first sentence and it is the one that forms the first impression about your essay to the reader. So it's got to be very catchy. As a reader I find this is too long and I need to remember things up to the end. I prefer if you rephrase it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay : How is your generation different from your parent's generation [6]


.... Very impressive. I think there's no harm in having quotes in your essay so long as they are relevant to your topic.Here it does because your topic is about generation gap which is very much due to time difference. It is mostly the essay structure that you need to pay attention in this type of exams that helps you earn marks. However, as suggested by hvthoteen, I too recommend that you introduce the differences you are going to talk about in the body para very briefly. The last sentence you have written does not add much value to your essay and you better replace it with a more meaningful sentence. My suggestion:

Although there are so many differences one can observe between the two generations, mine and my parent's, I find that the youth today are much more open minded and educated in contrast to the people of earlier generation.

You have very good vocabulary and good writing skills. Your essay structure is arranged as per the requirements of IELTS because you give reasons for your opinion and support them with good examples. You will surely go for a flying score :D

Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Fiction books are better than reality? - essay [3]


Contain means capable of holding something. So you should use it with what it is holding. Eg. contain real facts; contain information

Also the above sentence does not properly convey your message. You need to improve its organization and say it in a simple way;

First, I think that it is important for the people to read fictions as well as books contain real facts and events.

Undergraduate / 'Wrestling helped me' - Experience essay prompt - UF [2]


Impressive introduction :)



The part in bold letters a bit confusing to the reader. Better re-phrase it :)

Writing Feedback / Academic or non academic subjects at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree? [4]



Try to improve the clarity of your sentences that convey your idea clearly to the reader. Shorter sentences may help you in this regard. : )

Writing Feedback / Support the arts or protect the environment? 'stop this massacre of the nature' [2]

[quote=juliamedeiross]The humans being hashave been deterioratingdoing lot of damage to the environment for a long time, and nowadays something must be done to stop this massacreharmful effects toof the nature. [/quote

The words "deterirorate" and "massacre" are inappropriately used in this sentence.
Deteriroration is about diminishing quality or getting worse. So it is mostly used in passive voice. For example;
His health got deteriorated over the years.
The acts of humans have caused severe deterioration of environmental conditions.

Also the word massacre means instance killing of large numbers. This word means very close to "slaughter"

Writing Feedback / IELTS (academic) task 2 - leisure time [7]

I suggest you to read the following essays to get hold of this structure. I think you display good vocabulary and grammar. So it's a matter of putting things in right order. Get ideas from these essays and write as many as you can to practice. Post them to the forum so that we can give our feed backs for you. Remember that these tasks require you to manage time effectively. That needs lots of practice. :)

Letters / 'Creativity, diligent work and zeal' - translation of letter of recomendation. [9]

If it is a letter of recommendation, it's better if you dont talk about the student's drawbacks. As for challenges, you can talk about the financing difficulties, balancing family life with studies etc. that are not her weaknesses but are challenges she has to take up to follow the course.

Letters / 'Creativity, diligent work and zeal' - translation of letter of recomendation. [9]

I suggest some more improvements to what I already suggested... pls pay attention to my spelling (may be incorrect as I am not so good with spelling) :)

She keeps herself updated with the latest trends in architecture, hence her projects are very contemporary and interesting, as well as futuristic. In her projects she responses to the environmental demands and challenges and widely apply the green technologies in her buildings and finds original solutionsarchitectural applications. While she often experiments with forms and functions of object lifting it to the air or moving to the sea surface, she also rethinksconsiders the conventional methods of constructing specific for particular region and climate. Her project of Blocked Houses on Russian Islands stands as an obvious example for her remarkable skills in responding to such environmental challenges.

Also sheShe was also a laureate of international workshop Acapulco Green Tower in Mexico

The following sentence is very confusing;
Sometimes XXXXXX chose not the most rational methods of design, deepening into the details of educational tasks, which resulted to a breach of terms of delivery of the project.

what do you mean?

Writing Feedback / IELTS (academic) task 2 - leisure time [7]

Well... I have not taken IELTS so I have no knwoledge about the grading system. However, I have some experience with TOEFL and this task is very similar to TOEFL independant writing task. You display a unique style of writing and that's good. However, you better follow the expected structure for these tasks because they help you earn marks. You can find good IELTS essays in this forum, just search for them, that help you get an idea about the essay structure. Don't forget to support your reasons with examples. :)

Letters / 'Creativity, diligent work and zeal' - translation of letter of recomendation. [9]

I dont say have done mistakes.... I've given you my suggestions for further improvement :)


I dont understand this;
Also she has an experience to being laureate of international workshop Acapulco Green Tower in Mexico

Writing Feedback / IELTS (academic) task 2 - leisure time [7]



--- ''my'' makes ''own'' redundant

Letters / 'Creativity, diligent work and zeal' - translation of letter of recomendation. [9]

Writing Feedback / Toefl: Students working while studying? More disadvantages than advantages [3]

I feel you should stress this point in a more conceivable manner to the reader... you say that studies get the highest priority in teenage life. However, this idea is said repetitively and the reader gets tired without having much reasons to support your idea. So, give an example to support your idea. That will not only earn marks for you, but will certainly convince the reader that your point is valid.

Remember, TOEFL tasks want you to support your arguments with examples. :)

Writing Feedback / ielts writing, traffic & environmental problems. NEED to improve to Band 7-8 [3]


This sounds like an incomplete sentence. Whilst and While (both mean the same) function mostly as a conjuction to indicate that two different events occur simultaneously.

e.g.
I ate my breakfast while I was driving.
However, it is also used as a noun in certain cases; e.g. I waited a while for her

So, in the above sentence you wrote, I think you wanted to use the word "Whilst" as a conjuction. However, the two clauses are not clearly said. This is my suggestion;Whilst some people believe the increase in petrol price help solve this problem, others do not view it as an inadequate solution to arrest this issue.

Undergraduate / Tufts - It's Not Easy Being Green! (Or Is It?) - Optional Essay [9]

Well dear friend...you need to do some research for this topic. As for the essay structure, you better tell the reader what does it mean being green in the introduction. Also tell the importance of being so. Then tell very briefly the level of effort you got to make for it. Then elaborate on the points you mentioned in your body paras.

Going green may involve lots of dicipline of the people, more funds etc. Tell how difficult to arrange them in a short time.
Google on this topic and you'll find loads of points :)

Writing Feedback / 'Farmers and unemployment' - Factory near my community TOEFL [2]



This sentence has several issues; first grammer and then about clarity and its presentation. These issues tend to confuse the reader.
I suggest;
I am in favor of the first view due to several important reasons.

Graduate / 'matching the high standards' - A statement of purpose [2]


Your SOP sounds as a straight account of your experience and training and lacks emotional appeal to the reader to make it more interesting.

Book Reports / Can I get some feedback on my autobiographical essay. [2]

Writing Feedback / Government expenses for roads and highways or public transportation - TOEFL essay [3]

I have a few issues with your introduction. You give a range of explainations and facts about the achievements of transportation. However, you completely ignore the other side of the argument which is about the importance of infrastructure development. I feel you better contrast the two opinions very briefly in the introductory para and then state your opinion. That would be more conceivable for the reader. :)

Undergraduate / The most important decision that I have ever made was to study in U.S as an international student. [3]



I think missjulie has a point. I guess what you intend to say is that everybody expects their decisions to be the right ones that help them achieve their goals in life.... However, that sentence does not convey a clear picture of your idea to the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - What criteria should be used to decide how much people are paid? [2]


This statements is too broad and does not establish a close link to your topic theme.... Specify the social issues and try to link them to your topic.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - People should have hobbies and activities different from their own work [2]


Good writing :)

I like your writing style.... very unique and interesting.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - To reduce traffic in cities, we should reduce traveling by people [4]


You have taken a good entrance to your topic in the introductory para. However, I feel it is better that you state your opinion on the argument before you finish the introduction.

:)

Writing Feedback / 'free entrance to museums and art galleries' -revise my IELTS writing task 2 [6]


Have you dropped a part by mistake in this sentence? ... It sounds confusing :(


Well.... you need to pay attention to mainly how you organize your ideas.

Writing Feedback / 'self-satisfaction' - GRE:True success can be measured [3]



-------- is highly depending OR highly depends

Writing Feedback / 'Living with parents and generation gap' - Topic: iBT writing [11]

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Causes and solution of today teenagers' behaviour [2]

nguyen has offered excellent help for you by editing your essay.


------- when you say parents'performance, the reader gets confused because he cannot grasp what you are trying to say; whether parents behave bad? or they train children to be disrespectful towards elders?

Avoid confusing the reader. Say things in a more conceivable manner so that the reader has less work to do to understand what you say :D So give some indication what sort of parental actions influence them being so

Writing Feedback / IELTS: punishment policies in schools [2]


This sounds better if you write it in direct speech;
Schools adopt their policies to ensure that there is no room left for students to misbehave.


Your introduction has a few issues.... First it is slightly deviated from what is expected by the prompt. The prompt tells that schools in certain countries maintain very strict policies on student misconduct by expelling them, while in other countries, that have milder policies, pardon their students and let them make a come back. So you need to contrast these two views in the intro and then state which one you support. However, all the sentences in your intro speaks of the same thing, i.e. punishments are aimed at disciplining the students, in different ways and do not support your into to be aligned with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Internet, social networks and Internet to humankind - IELTS [4]


This sentence does not provide much enthusiasm to your reader. In my view, you better state your opinion on the argument at this point, and that would help your reader follow why you hold that opinion in the coming paras. That's easy for you and also for your reader :)

Scholarship / Leadership (Gates Millenium) [4]

:) Okkkkkkk... These are a few of my observations;
1. Your first para is too long;
2. Take the following to your second para;