Grammar, Usage / newfound, vocab... grammar... and more! [2]

Greetings!

I'm happy to help! (Next time, you might want to post them all in the same place, to make it easier; you can always add to your topic.)

eBay's newfound [yes, great word!] recognition (All the sudden the compnay was in the spotlight and everyone was paying attention to every move they made - I know this isn't part of your essay, but this is a pet peeve of mine--it's "all of a sudden" ;-))

Though the internet had been around for a while, it gained a public face in the 1990s - Yes, I think a comma is better there, though reasonable minds could differ on that.

Many businesses sought to reach a wider variety of customers. - No, no, it sounds perfect! Don't overthink it too much! :-)

The company began to thrive - I think thrive is a great word here; it's much more colorful than "grow" or "get bigger" would be.

Most of the events described in Jon's life seem irrelevant to eBay, but as Willamson continues - I think you can get by with one comma here.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / The apastrophe question and more [2]

Greetings!

No need to apologize; that's what we're here for!

Michael reiterates Williams' (is the apastrophe in the correct spot?) - Good question! There are some scholars who maintain that names ending in "s" which are not Biblical or ancient names require two, like this: Williams's; however, I have personally never liked that and think that your way is perfectly acceptable.

main priority of customer satisfaction; therefore, as the company began to become more popular, all changes were made based on the customer... - Do not capitalize after a semicolon. I made a couple of other changes, too. (But congrats for knowing that a semicolon was usable there!)

Note the particular way eBay spells its name:
There was no other company like eBay; therefore, the company had the freedom to try new things and not worry about competitors too soon after the company began. But as more e-commerce websites began to appear at the end of the 1990s, the company had to fight to for its brand name and special features.

its success. Unlike many of its e-commerce counterparts - Strangely enough, the possessive form of "its" does not contain an apostrophe; same thing with "yours" and "hers." Only use "it's" when you mean "it is."

Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / Personal Essay for Scholarship... is it too funny? [2]

Greetings!

I think it's a very good essay! I just have a few editing tips:

Everyday life in New Mexico is nothing like everyday life in Finland or Australia.

I have learned respect from my parents, patience while teaching swim lessons and, most of all, the joy of seeing the delighted faces of the innocent children I have taught. [Just a suggestion, but I think it flows a bit better that way. The line "This is where I have been." strikes me as a little out of place; I think you might be better off deleting it.]

Because I hated seeing my pets and other animals hurt, being a veterinarian was out of the question.

Every person in the zoological field I came into contact with

I rewrote the last paragraph like this; see what you think:
No matter the future direction my life takes, I know that an education, along with the support of my family and friends, is the only thing I can take with me without a suitcase. I define a fulfilled life as never planning too far ahead because plans do not always work out. Life is a continuous learning experience, whether it be about easily changing plans when one does not work out smoothly or working with new surroundings instead of pushing against them. A fulfilling life does not come from taking the path most traveled, so I look forward to gathering new coins that will represent my life's journey.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / new heights; grammar, sentence structure, AND vocab! [2]

Greetings!

I'm glad to help with a bit of editing!

"New heights" sounds fine to me, but you could also say it "reached new levels of growth"; "achieved record growth"; "grew exponentially" or many other ways.

"affect" is the one you want. :-) They would affect the customer with the desired effect.

highly educated and well experienced people- just flip it: well-educated and highly experienced

likelyhood is fine, as long as you spell it "likelihood" :-)

mistake and achievement could become "misstep and victory" or "error and accomplishment"

I know there is at least one on-line thesaurus, if not several, which could give you options for terms you'd like to change. You might try an internet search to find them.

When writing about the 1990s there's no problem with saying "early 1990s" or "late 1990s" or even '90s. Technically, it should not have an apostrophe before the "s" although Americans are inclined to do it.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Drinking and Driving @ a B'day party ; COMMON APP [7]

Greetings!

I agree that it's really all in how you write it. You want to show maturity, ability to take responsibility, and that you have not only learned a valuable lesson, but that your life has changed for the better because of it. If you can do that, you should be fine.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Descriptive essay about a very mundane object [THE BARRETTE] [2]

Greetings!

I think your essay is very good! I do think the way you explained it to me directly, "The intricate deep grooves on the rose petals to the jutting edges just fits me perfectly." was a lot clearer than the way you put it in the essay itself: "I feel that my barrette defines my life. Besides the occasional dull points protruding outward along the edges, the barrette was simply perfect for me." To make it clearer, you might say "The intricate deep grooves on the rose petals to the jutting edges define my life."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Rutgers University: As a Libra I can I would describe myself... [2]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay! I just have a few editing suggestions for you. You will be competing for admission against thousands of other applicants so you want to put your best foot forward. However interesting astrology may be to some of us, college admissions committees are probably not interested in what sign you happened to be born under; those who do not believe in astrology would not necessarily consider it a plus, and it could even count against you. Do keep in all the fine attributes you mentioned, but my advice would be not to attribute it to being a Libra.

I can contribute to Rutgers University through my different experiences. - "different experiences" is a little too vague; which experiences, and how do they make you someone Rutgers would be lucky to have as a student?

Knowing a little bit of the world

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Need Help with a research paper about Air Pollution in New York City [7]

Greetings!

I think you're correct that "something" might be a bit vague. I'm not sure what part of your essay this is, which might affect how you want to say it. But if it's in your opening paragraph, you could use it to lead into your discussion of what those actions should be. For instance, "The bottom line is that New York has a serious air quality problem and the city needs to take appropriate steps to address it." Then you could go on to discuss what those steps would be, in the paragraphs that follow. You could first give a little history about the air quality in New York before discussing solutions, if your paper leans in that direction.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Descriptive analysis of a business book [6]

Greetings!

It's difficult to tell without seeing all of it, but it doesn't sound to me like it would be too basic. As far as book review vs. descriptive analysis, I think the thing to keep in mind is the purpose behind it. A book review is written for the express purpose of telling the reader whether or not the book is worth reading; this is accomplished by explaining what the book is about and pointing out any flaws or outstanding aspects of it, and generally ends (and perhaps begins, too) with a recommendation to read or not read it. The book review is therefore persuasive. A descriptive analysis, while also explaining what the book is about and pointing out its weaknesses and strengths, is meant to accomplish a somewhat different purpose. The point is to analyze the work as a piece of literature, not necessarily to persuade someone to go out and buy it. If you keep this in mind while you're writing, it will help guide you. The analysis is going to be more in-depth than a review would be, less a "here's what I think of it" and more a "here is what the author did in writing this book."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'My Indian heritage' - Talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience essay [2]

Greetings!

What an excellent, well-written essay! It is virtually flawless; just one comma will make it perfect:

Finally, I saw that the past three years of my hard work had not been vain.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / "Your abilities with a rival candidate for a job" - compare-contrast essay [4]

Greetings!

If you are supposed to write it as a letter to the boss, that should give you your opening:

Dear Mr. Boss:

I am writing to express my interest in the job and acquaint you with the reasons I feel I am the best candidate for the position. The job of [insert job title] requires [list some things, like good leadership skills, determination, attention to detail, etc.] My experience in [your present or previous position] has given me valuable experience and required development of these skills.

I hope this will get you started! Just continue to talk about the skills, experience and personal traits for the job.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / The stress a person undergoes when applying for admissions - essay [2]

Greetings!

I think you've written a good essay! However, I think you should eliminate the first paragraph. It almost sounds as if you are complaining, or chastising the school for putting you through the strain of applying! (Also, the fear is not "unexplainable"; it's quite easy to figure out.) Your second paragraph would make a good opening, though.

it never crossed my mind that I would be receiving a letter

Growing up in a family where both parents have earned college degrees and expect me to excel in everything

and have participated in different school competitions relating to these subjects.

I perhaps have gotten a good deal of his genes, in that I, too, am inclined to excel in the fields of mathematics and science. As I ponder on what path I should take for higher learning, my mom's constant reminder of her desire for me to go into the medical field and my desire to be an engineer has made me decide to take up Engineering. - Did you intend for this last line to be ironic? It sounds like you are saying, "My mom wants me to be a doctor, so I'm going to be an engineer." :-))

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Need Help with a research paper about Air Pollution in New York City [7]

Greetings!

I like the challenge of thinking up a compelling title! It really depends on the slant of your paper, though. For instance, if your thesis was that the pollution is still bad, you might allude to smog. I like jazzing a title up by tying it to a popular culture reference, so I might use "Lost in New York: Smog is Still Home Alone in New York City."

Have a little fun with it and see what you can come up with!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Descriptive analysis of a business book [6]

Greetings!

While the norm is not to use first person in formal writing, it does depend on the assignment. If you are required to give your own opinion, saying "I" is tempting, and may even be what your instructor wants. However, unless you were told to use first person, I'd stick with merely giving your opinions without it. For instance, you could say, "In order to understand" and leave out the "one." You could also say, "but as Spector [don't use his first name after the first time] continues to describe who Jeff Bezos is, it becomes increasingly clear what made Amazon.com the company it is today."

I'm afraid I don't really understand your second question. What did you mean by "I started a bit below"?

Yes, I do think it sounds a bit like a book review. Rather than extolling its virtues with terms like "gives great details" you could leave out the editorializing and just be descriptive: "gives intimate details," for example.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I was once an introvert"; Benefit from and Contribute to [6]

Greetings!

You're a very good writer! I have only a few editing suggestions for you:

It is no doubt that taking [delete up] this course in high school helped me start building my communication skills.

"The measure of a person lies in their ability to overcome failure, use it as a fuel for success." - Is this a quote from a famous person? If the quotation is yours, don't put it in quotes; if it's someone else's, you need to give them credit.

These helped me transform from a young, shy girl to this young woman who continues to help people and make a positive impact in their lives.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'taking care of others' - UC prompt #1 [2]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay! I have just a few suggestions for you:

I have three cousins that live near me, that attend [delete "to"] elementary school.

It gets really chaotic around my house once they make themselves at home.

I might have to make them sandwiches, eggs, or noodles, or order pizza for them.

Concentrating on my school work is difficult for me, because of the noises and distractions my cousins cause. - Just a suggestion, but you might want to say "is a challenge for me" instead of "is difficult." It has a more positive tone.

The noise level is terrible; people outside can even hear how much fun they are having.

Even though it was difficult at first to focus on my work, it became normal and I slowly learned to adapt.

When they are sick and unhappy, I [delete would] feel sad.

I can help my cousins find the correct medicine for them, so they can be happy and play again.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Immigration - argument research paper [6]

Greetings!

You've written an informative essay. I think it would benefit from some careful proofreading, though. Here are some general tips for you:

U.S is the immigrant's nation that often called "melting pot". - Don't forget to put articles before nouns. It's "The U.S." and "the melting pot."

Also between 1901 and 1910 total American population increased by 1percent per year on the other hand legal Immigrants growthonly0.36percent.(Gale,82-84) also many immigrants go back. - Watch your spacing; the words run together in this sentence.

Do not capitalize "immigrants" unless it begins a sentence.

Proofread carefully to catch mistakes like "united sates"; it should always be "the United States" unless you abbreviate it as "the U.S." or "the U.S.A."

Leave a space before the parenthesis and do not place a comma before the page number in the parenthetical citation: say "electronics (Sutcliffe 93)" instead of "electronics(Sutcliffe,93)"

Several of your quotations appear to have mistakes in them; for example: " Some immigrants work in the informal economy don't have federal, state and social security taxes but they don't have access to any .... befits from the employee"(37). I suspect it should be "working" and "benefits" and "employer."

This section has several mistakes in it that I think proofreading would catch: Immigrants are not responsible for Crimean [did you mean crime?] the FBI report said, [end sentence with a period, not a comma] In 2000 no incidents of international terrsiom1 [1?] happened ,and [the space goes after the comma, not before] eight domestic ... In 2001 twelve domestic incidents and one international(september11attacks) . [watch spacing] Those who were involved in the9/11 [spacing] attacks were not citizens but they are all in the country at the time of attacks." Those crimes were on the crime of violence not the crime on the Immigrants", and the people who were on the visa had not violated because of their visas. - This last sentence does not really make sense.

I can't correct all of it for you, but go through it carefully and you will find more instances where I think my guidelines will help you.

Your citations are not consistent. If you are using MLA citation style, there are numerous sites online that tell you how to do it. Some of your citations appear to be missing information; for example: Chomsky, Aviva. They take our Jobs: and 20 other myths and Immigration. Boston: Massachusetts, 1992. Is this a book? If so, you need the publisher's name. If it's an article, you need the journal or magazine it came from. And is it really "myths and Immigration"? "on Immigration" would make more sense.

You have a lot of good information in your essay. I think you just need to smooth out the rough edges a little! :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The monarchs had to rule with greater wisdom than themselves had intended [2]

Greetings!

I'm happy to provide some editing advice!

Wars, violence, and constant steals from the cities in Europe mark the ages before the 15th century, until after a sudden reassessment of the monarchs' actions fostered the economy and trade in the urban areas. - "steals" is a verb, not a noun; I'm not sure what you meant by it. The sentence is also a little too long to follow easily.

The countryside shipped goods to the cities in exchange for money.

peasants who worked on their land in exchange for shelter and food

The monarchs were forced to turn to the cities in order to steal their treasures;

Therefore, leading a war against the cities proved to be an unwise method of gaining wealth; in fact, kings were losing more power and subsidies than actually gaining assets.

In the 17th century, king William II was proposed to become a member of the parliament in England - was proposed by whom? I don't think this is expressed accurately, but I'm not sure what you meant to say.

allowing local merchants in the cities to conduct their businesses however suited them best,

Monarchs concealed it in a way that is beneficial for the urban society and more important - peaceful. - This could be a little clearer.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'corporate strategy of business' - (describe where you come from) [2]

Greetings!

You've written very good essays! I have just a few editing tips for you:

However, my life quickly took a sharp turn from the regular princess tale. My life has become a balancing act of my Indian heritage and my American surroundings.

Unfortunately, my glass bubble cracked: in sixth grade, my father got a new job on the east coast.

learning to read and convince people are extremely time-consuming skills - I found this confusing the first couple of times I read it, until I realized what you meant. It might be better to say "learning to read people and persuading them to my point of view..."

Very good writing!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / How to safe the Earth + Personal reflection of my presentation - Essays [4]

Greetings!

I'm happy to help with some editing!

First of all, you want to get your main verb right: it's How to Save the Earth. When it's a verb it's "save"; when it's an adjective, it's "safe." We will save the Earth to make it safe. :-)

Hoping to save what is already damaged is like building a castle in the sky; we need to be realistic to what extent are we able to reduce humans' carbon footprint. In my view as a human being, obviously, we cannot go back to the caveman era just for the sake of saving energy; we need to consider larger projects that would conform to everyone's everyday life, not interfere with it.

Imposing restrictions on basic human needs in order to make the air cleaner, is redundant in compartment to the actions undertaken by major corporations with the same purpose. - the phrase in bold does not make sense. You could just say "because of."

The author inflicted numerous restrictions on himself and his family for a whole year believing that the air they breathe would become cleaner. Ian Herbert's research on the manufacturing process of 'Walkers crisps' conveys how unnecessary treatment of the potatoes can be limited, - The second sentence seems out of place to the one before it. You should continue explaining the "numerous restrictions" inflicted before moving on to something completely different.

There is nothing wrong with applying Rowlatt's tips for reducing pollution;

***
prevented our presentation from reaching the desired success.

We had a problem with the timing, because we tried to include all the information we found captivating, which fit into a fifteen-minute speech, but the time was cut after that.

divagated - I don't believe this is a word; did you mean "digressed"?

For example 20% is one in every five. I figured out

Still, I think it was a great start, because of everything I learned from it, and this experience moved me one step up on the staircase [or "step-ladder"]of successful academic presentations.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay on not regretting things - how to start? [8]

Greetings!

I really like this kind of assignment, because it gives you a lot of creative freedom. If it is supposed to be something that actually happened in your life, think of a time when you were not entirely truthful (haven't we all had those moments?) and how it turned out. If it does not have to be auto-biographical and you can just make something up, you have even more leeway. If the essay is on not regretting things, then I suppose there will be a lesson at the end about how, even though you did not tell the truth, you decided not to have regrets about it, because regret can be destructive.

If I were going to write it, I might take this slant:
If only I had spoken the truth ... volunteering for that committee was the last thing on Earth I wanted to do. But I said, "Oh, no, I don't mind ..." and then I was stuck.

Then I'd go on to tell about how whatever work the committee was for turned out to be a good learning experience, even if it was frustrating and a lot of trouble. And I'd end by saying something like "I no longer regret telling that little white lie. I did not want to do the work I said I would do, but the knowledge I gained more than made up for the trouble I went through."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Editing for a service activity essay [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help!

Everyone that had helped out at the Wednesday Night Barbeque was assigned to do tasks, such as washing kitchen tools, cleaning the table tops and sweeping the floor.

By cooperating with the different helpers, we [delete had] completed our tasks early and we left early as well.

Everything that we used during the Wednesday Night Barbeque was [delete things that were] reusable.

The Aggies should be more organized in assigning tasks to different helpers.

I also got to see what this event was like and what kinds of things [delete that] the Aggies prepared for the dinner.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'a Chilean with a love' - World I come from essay [2]

Greetings!

What a delightful essay! I think you did a great job answering the prompt. I have just a few editing suggestions:

When I was a kid, I remember my mother would play this song. - This would be perfect in a script for a play, or a conversation, but it might be just a little informal for this type of essay. It might be better to say "When I was a child, I remember hearing my mother play a song."

Like with all people - Say "As with all people"

And learn math and science I did, as well, [add commas] but I got more than I bargained for

I realized that [delete me] being a rarity in my origin shouldn't be the essence of who I am but rather the essence of what I'll be able to contribute to those I come in contact with. -This is a great sentence, by the way! :-)

a Chilean with a love for [delete the] academia

Great work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / I Need Help in the "Literature" Type of Essay [6]

You're welcome! It's all about learning! :-)

Sarah

Writing Feedback / Discussion about what I learned this semester [2]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay! Here are some editing tips for you:

Time goes by so fast. I didn't realize it's time to end up the course. I always wanted to know about [delete the] how the culture emerged. In this course I covered chapter nine through sixteen and delved into the Humanities through a social, historical, and cultural perspective. This course contained these periods: Carolingian, Gothic, Florentine Renaissance, High Renaissance, Northern Renaissance, Baroque, Meso-American African, Chinese, and Japan. [should this be Japanese? The others are adjectives]. I very much liked the High Renaissance period, including the great painter, Leonardo Da Vinci, and sculpture, Brunelleschi's the Duomo. Students may knew their interest from art like I do.[I'm not sure what you meant to say, but this doesn't really make sense.] The most important things I learned are how to use MLA citation style, proofreading, and [delete the] time management.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Reflection Essay, but broad description [9]

Greetings!

Your writing is very good! The only problem I see is that you inadvertently did not follow the instructions. It shouldn't be that hard to fix. Just go through and insert your opinions about the claims the author makes. For instance: "He claims that the online dating process progresses with a slower pace, i.e. people get to know each other better before they get more serious and intimate." This may be true sometimes; but on the other hand, I know people whose online relationships proceed far too quickly, for example becoming romantic or even sexual before the people have even met. So, there is room there for critique. See if you can find more instances like that, where he makes assertions that are too broad, and put in your views.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Descriptive analysis of a business book [6]

Greetings!

The thing to remember about writing your thesis is that it is going to tell your reader what the paper is about. I liked your first sentence, but then you immediately launched into a history of the company before getting around to what your paper is really about: "Amazon.com: Get Big Fast by Robert Spector effectively describes the development of Amazon.com along with the larger development of the internet, electronic retailing and Internet-related share offerings." Don't try to cram everything into the intro; this is a common mistake.

If the essay is supposed to be an analysis of the book, you want to keep your focus on what the author has said (that's the descriptive part) and your views of how well he said it (that's the analysis part). You can either make the first half about what the author said, and then give your analysis, or you can intersperse your analysis with your description; just be consistent.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Citing from an Anthology [2]

Greetings!

Your question isn't confusing, but citations certainly can be! It can vary a little depending on whether the essay is an original or reprint, from an online datebase, or something else, but here is the general form:

To cite the anthology itself, here is an example:

Smith, R.S., ed. The Norton Anthology of The Awakening [or whatever the title of the anthology is]. 5th ed. New York: Norton, 2000.

To cite the essay, instead of the entire anthology, it goes: name of the author of the essay cited, the title of that work, anthology title, editor's name, edition number, and publication information. For example:

Lake, Madge. "The Answer." The Norton Anthology of Short Fiction. Ed. R. S. Smith. 4th ed. New York: Norton, 2000. 120-129.

Use the essay author's name and the page number in the parenthetical citation (Lake 121).

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'excel in math & science and personal qualities' - uc [4]

Greetings!

You are a person of many talents and accomplishments! Congratulations! Regarding essay prompt #2, it appears to me that your passion for math and science has allowed you to really excel at your studies in those areas. Perhaps you should focus your essay on this talent, as it has allowed you to achieve excellence in your studies.

Here are some editing suggestions for your essay:

where my great-grandparents migrated

they were acquainted with the rigors of American life. - It would sound better, however, to say "they became acclimated to the rigors of American life."

making sure that her family are relating to the suitable guidelines that are normal and acceptable to society - "family" is a collective noun. In American English, when the collective noun refers to the group as a unit, as here, it is treated as singular, so say "her family is . . . "

As we were not fortunate enough to attend a Catholic school, she enrolled me and my sister in catechism classes.

I know I will attain the educational pursuit which will equip me with the necessary vantage to benefit society in return. - One does not attain a pursuit, but rather, pursues a goal.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Speeches / Styles of Argumentation [5]

Greetings!

You have some good points. Two of your three points have to do with listening, rather than with speaking. Although a person would not want to antagonize the other person by not listening, if you are going to persuade someone, you need to do a lot of talking, too! :-) Some other points might be 1) Clearly state what your position is; 2) Speak clearly, not too fast or slow, so that you can be understood; 3) Be prepared to counter the arguments against your position (tell why the other side is wrong).

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / I Need Help in the "Literature" Type of Essay [6]

Greetings!

My suggestion would be that you write it the way that seems right to you. If you are supposed to be creative, you don't want to inhibit your creative thoughts by worrying too much about whether it's right. A creative essay might talk about the colors and shapes of the picture, perhaps using metaphors to describe it. A personal one, I would think, would be how the picture affects you. Just start writing and see what happens--getting started is the hardest part!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / "Your abilities with a rival candidate for a job" - compare-contrast essay [4]

Greetings!

By the "third point" do you mean the personal traits? If so, you might consider what aspects of your personality make you the best candidate for the job. Determination? Intelligence? Creativity? Ability to lead? It depends what type of job you're talking about as to which characteristics would be useful, so think about what the job requires and see what personal traits you can come up with.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / episodic content revisited - argumentative essay [2]

Greetings!

This is a good and interesting essay! One thing I do want to point out is that you have written the opening paragraph in both present and past tense. You need to choose one tense and stick with it.

The problems of today's video games are expensive and long length. - Better would be: The problem with today's video games is that they are expensive and take too long to play.

The cost of an episodic game would be $20 instead of the $50 charged for a regular game.

Successful TV shows like LOST, 24 and The Unit build an audience over time.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Which is better - SPEND money or SAVE money? [2]

Greetings!

As with any skill, writing is learned by practice! So, consider this: every time you write something, you get a little better! :-)

Here are some editing tips for you:

That means we should not only save our money without using it or we just enjoy it without saving. - This sentence is unclear. Better would be: This means we should neither save all our money nor spend all of it; we should strike a balance between the two.

I can't imagine how hard my life will be if I just spend a little part of my money for all things in my life. - I'm not sure what you were trying to say here; it's not clear.

Every day we work hard to earn a lot of money but if we do not use it to make our lives better, the value of our hard word is not compensated meritoriously.

Both enjoying our money when we earn it and saving it for long term goals in the future have advantages and disadvantages [delete "of each"].

We should not use it up immediately and we should not only save all of it without using it comfortably and effeciently.- You should delete this sentence; it is repetitive.

furthermore, money will be the key factor for my prospect of life. - I'm not sure what you meant by "prospect of life." Perhaps you meant "Money will be a key factor in my success in life"

I believe we should use it suitably, not so little and not use it up any time. - This is not very grammatical; better would be "not squander it thoughtlessly, nor horde it like a miser. The best solution is usually a balanced one."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / "The American Way of Life" - it is at jeopardy currently [2]

Greetings!

You have written a good research paper! However, since it IS research paper, I don't think the opening is really all that appropriate. It would be better to take out this part:

Watch Out!
"Watch Out?! What do you mean by that?"
"Your jobs are being taken away!"
"How is that?"
It distracts from, rather than adds to, your paper. Here are some other editing suggestions for you:
Outsourcing is the movement of work that was formerly conducted in-house by employees paid
directly by a company to a different company. - This sentence is hard to follow, especially "paid directly by a company to a different company." If you can rewrite it to make what you mean clearer, it would help.

A computer engineer in India can receive half as much salary as a respective American performing the same function, which means that they will hire 100 Indians who will do the job of only 50 or even fewer Americans. When you refer to a number (50), use "fewer" instead of "less."

In American English, always put the comma or period inside the quotation mark; for example: "gauges," instead of "gauges", is correct.

and as T. Friedman wrote, "Brace yourself: You are now about to enter the flat world." - This ending would be stronger if you explain earlier in your essay what Friedman means by the "flat world."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Reflection Essay, but broad description [9]

You're welcome! And yes, feel free to post another!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay for entry into Nursing Program [2]

Greetings!

Check out our Free Essays and Articles section, particularly the topic "Writing Timed Essays." It will give you the basic idea of the structure of the essay, and how to prepare so that you can perform in the time required. If yours is not a timed essay, the general principles still apply. When you write an essay where you have time to do some research, the information found in our article "Tips to Write Successful College Essays and Term Papers" or "How to Research and Write a Decent Research Paper" will assist you.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Marx vs. Gandhi [Power, Social Class, and Money] Essay [6]

Greetings!

While I can't give you an in-depth analysis of these works, I can see what might be some flaws in your logic, stemming from the quotations given. For example:

"By economic progress, I take it, we mean material advancement without limit and by real progress we mean moral progress, which again is the same thing as progress of the permanent element in us." You said, "the more progress a person undergoes economically, the less progress they will undergo morally." I don't see, from what Gandhi said, that he is balancing them against each other like that.

"In a well-ordered society, the securing of one's livelihood should be and is found to be the easiest thing in the world. Indeed, the rest of orderliness in a country is not the number of millionaires it owns, but the absence of starvation among its masses." (Gandhi 339) This quote describes that individual progress is measured not monetarily but rather by how giving people are of themselves. - I think Gandhi is saying that a society which is functioning properly takes care of its people; it cannot be a well-ordered society (and, thus, a moral one) if it has people starving in the streets.

I would not say that the two writers think that the rich are "inferior" to the poor; more that, in a properly constructed society, there will not be poor people who suffer so that the rich can be rich.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Speeches / Styles of Argumentation [5]

Greetings!

Are you talking about Rogerian vs. Toulmin, or some other type of argument style?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Reflection Essay, but broad description [9]

Greetings!

I'm not sure where the "heavy" places are--I think it is very good! I do have some editing suggestions for you:

I realized that I was about to embark on a life-changing voyage

As I was hurled from one office to another, - Unless someone was throwing you, you weren't "hurled." :-) You may be thinking of "hurtled"; you could say "As I hurtled from one office to another . . ."

I conceded to be entered onto the "Wait List",

Providentially, I received a call within several weeks which spared my inexplicable apprehension. - I don't think your apprehension was inexplicable at all. You might want to eliminate this adjective, or replace it with a more appropriate one.

an enthusiastic young man who approached the Cashier's desk

By then I had actually begun to feel an ironic measure of self-confidence as I navigated through the campus "waters." - You don't really need quotation marks around waters, as you're using an accepted expression; if you do keep the quotes, though, the period goes inside.

Nevertheless, as would any explorer, I took measures of precaution and preparation.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com