Undergraduate / Chemical Engineering - Waitlist essay for UC Davis [4]

Hi Thomas,

Menuka has done excellent editing. It sounds much better that way. Also I too believe that talking about location really does not add much value to your answer. If you want to add a few more sentences to meet your upper limit of word count, why not talk a little more about your goal... what you want to be and how passionate you are about pursuing your dream.... also you can link that to the capabilities of US David in helping you achieve your dream :)

Writing Feedback / IEITS: topic about adverting for goods [9]

Nowadays, advertisements have becomes increasingly popular. Some debate that it is just a kind of entertainment, and cannot assist customersconsumers( I think this is a better word) when they select products.

From my perspective, besides the function of entertainment, advertisements also have other effects on our life.------------ I think you need to establish your stance here. Are you in agreement or disagreement or partly agreement/disagreement. What you have written is very vague and that hurts readers interest.

Writing Feedback / write a paragraph of effects of early marriage. [8]

As a result, they have no time to enjoy the pleasures of teenage life.

Comn sequently, they divorce in a very short time.

You have good arguments in your essay. But, as previous comments highlight, you need to support them with good examples to convince your argument to the reader. For example;

...As a result, they have no time to enjoy the pleasure of teenage life. For example, an early teenage married girl, who is still not a major, would have to play the role of a mother bearing all motherly responsibilities and therefore would not be allowed to enjoy her life as a carefree teenager.

I also feel if you talk about the problems relating to maturity levels, physical and psychological conditions then your essay would be stronger.

Writing Feedback / 'Types of news: Local, national and international' - news and types essay [5]

This is what I suggested;

Local news provide information regardingon the happeningswhat happens in your city, county orstate or countrystate which can be useful to any individual who needs up-to-date coverage and events. to keep himself updated with things happening around him. Further,the local news serve as the main source that people depend on to learn about latest news happening every nook and corner of the country.For example, a recent shooting in your neighborhood can cause a major significant panic in your country. In such event, the local broadcasting would play a great role in enabling the countrymen to learn about the latest development of that scene.

Writing Feedback / 'Types of news: Local, national and international' - news and types essay [5]

In general, news falls into three different categories: local, national and international.

Local news provide a sense of information regarding what happens in your city, county or state which can be useful to any individual who needs up-to-date coverage and events.to keep himself updated with things happening around him.

For example, a recently shooting aroundin your neighborhood can cause a major significant panic in youraround the country. In such event, the local broadcasting would play a great role in enabling the countrymen to learn about the latest development of that scene.

On the other hand, national news is your source for the most breaking news in the whole country you live in.---------------- I wish you move this sentence before the previous one. However, it needs to be improved since your idea isn't clearly expressed. I suggest;

Local news is the main source that people depend to learn about latest breaking news happening every nook and corner of the country. (then give the example)

Scholarship / 'a life changing experience' - Application letter for a semestre abroad scholarship [2]

It will enable the aquicitionacqusition of a higher quality education in the field, andthat would surely givebe an added advantage on my resumesand job possitions . (make a stop here)butHowever , I think the experience of studying abroad goes beyond the academic fieldachievements and help broaden one's exposure and perspectives.

There is something very extraordinary about being in a foreign enviroment. When you find yourself surrounded only by the unknown and out of your comfort zone, then your capacities arepushed to their limitbecome fully utilized . ( The word limit tends to confuse the reader and hence I changed the way it is said. I also suggest you to make stop here to improve clarity)and is just then thatThis is the point that you will actually get to know yourself. Personal growth, independencetthinking and development (of what?.... you cannot say personal development because you have already touched personal growth) are main factorsfocuses of college life, and the accomplishment of those can only be enhancedbest achieved by the experience of studying abroad. ----------- this is a good para with a very good argument that answers your first prompt very well. Very good thinking behind it !!!!

I've known i wanted to study abroad for a long time. As a young girl I had an insatiable thirst for discovery and knowledge, iI dreamed about experiencing my life elsewhere and . As a young woman however, this desire became more concrete and plans started to be madeI began planning to make my dream a reality.

It has been a thoughtful decision, made not with the intention off running away, or escaping my everyday life and reality, but with the intention of broadening it.--------- I suggest the following for this sentence;Therefore this decsion of mine is one that has been made very thoughtfully with the intention of broaderning my perspectives. And hence it doesn't reflect my idea of running away or escaping my everyday routine life at all.

Writing Feedback / The Oversea Vietnamese Youth camp [3]

As usual, The Ho Chi Minh city (HCM) Oversea Vietnamese Committee along with HCM Communist Youth Union organize The Oversea Vietnamese Youth camp (from 17/7/2012 to 20/7/2012) for Oversea Vietnamese youth from 15 to 30 years old. ---------- I suggest the following;

The Ho Chi Minh city (HCM) Oversea Vietnamese Committee together with HCM Communist Youth Union are in the process of organizing the Overseas Vietnamese Youth Camp 2012 at xxxxxxx( mention the venue ). This event is scheduled to be held from 17th to 20th July 2012 for the Vietnamese youth who live overseas and aged between 15 to 30 years, at a participation fee of 1.2 million Vietnamese Dong per participant. This summer camp would offer valuable networking opportunities to the overseas Vietnamese youth together with a great exposure to the true Vietnamese culture which would be a very unique experience that they recieve only in Vietnam.

Writing Feedback / classification of clothing into three categories [3]

In modern society, people usually dressedaccording to the appropriately to the occasions and purposes to look and feel good.
My sugession;
People of modern society are very much concerned over what would be the appropriate attire for different occasions and purposes.
In general classification , Tt he clothes fall into three different categories: Sport, Casual and Elegant (or Formal?).
In the case ofs Sport clothesgarments(I removed this word as it is used repetitively)which are flexible and focused on comfort and flexibility .These are used to do anyworn by people when they engage in physical exercisesor activitiesto improve health.and therefore they are made to support different hygenic conditions.In addition, sport clothes are used with the purposes of going to the gym or practice any sport.(this sentence sounds repetitive)Also, there are many sport clothes for different sports such asFor Example, sports-wear of different sports such as basketball, volleyballboxing , and footballswimming(have different types of sports in this example)which use each own different fabrics, shoes, and accessories to help prevent injury and improve the sportsman's performance.

On the other hand, the casual clothes are for informal dressescode andthat emphasize relaxation. These are usedPeople wear them depending on the occasion or weather. Furthermore,For example, people wearbeach shorts when they go to the beach in the summer and jackets if the weather turns cold. Also they wear casual are used to go to work or classschool. Casual clothes can be used to bringgive the mood of seriousness, youthfulness, superiority in their different combinationswith combining and wearing different things suchFor example, when a person wearsasDennim jeans with a collar-less T-shirt and a pair of rubber slippers he looks very ordinary and simple. If he wears the same Dennim jeans with a collared T-shirt and casual shoes then he would look much smartert-shirts, casual shoes.

Finally, elegant clothes are formal dressescode and characterized for show offglamour . ThereThey are used inworn at social events and formal parties in such . People who are using elegant clothes, such as black and white garments, evening dresses and suits can have an effect in their attitude, culture and status depending on the occasion.These garments have the ability to clearly demarcate social status of people.Elegant clothes can determine a person's wealth like in the case of celebrities.For example, an evening dress worn by a celebrity cannot be afforded by an ordinary person.ClearlyObviously , the most popular of all type of clothes is the casual clothing, this is due to its versatility in which you can wear anywhere.

you can also say that fasion applies to all three types of garments, but with a very high degree for the formal or elegant dresses. :D

Hope this helps!!!!!!!!

Scholarship / Why do you consider yourself a suitable candidate (career in the field of science) [2]

When I was notified that I had gone through the examination and more than that I was the topper of the exam, I was very glad. It was then that I felt much about my studies. ------------------ I feel your essay would be more attractive if it comes with a better emotionally appealing.

For example;
I still remember how delighted I was on the day I received my results of xxxxxx examination. (you need to specify the examination here) It gave me a great moral boost and made me think about my studies very seriously.

I feel you need to improve the organization of your ideas. For example you talk about your achievement in various places of the essay expecting the reader to remember that and connect it with what you are going to tell next. For example,

In your first two sentences you talk about this achievement and then tell your opinions, which are not related to your achievement directly, to the reader.


Then again you talk about this achievement in your second para. This arrangement of ideas tend to confuse the reader. I suggest you should tell one idea and then move on to another.However, I think your grammer is pretty good and if you improve the organization of ideas and give a touch of emotions to your essay, it would be great.

Writing Feedback / IELTS topic. Smoking tobacco, like other dangerous drugs, should be made illegal. [4]

However, al though manysome believe smoking tobacco is a harmless habit, I think it should be also forbidden.

Firstly , ...

As a recent study carried out by the English doctor N. Jefferson shows, smoking is responsible for about 30 per cent of allthe deaths from cancer and causes leukemia, pleumonia, heart and blood disfunctions and even memory loss.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 'Parents and schooling is also essential to teach children' [4]

Some holds the viewpoint that is parents' jobresponsibility .

Undergraduate / 'getting an education is very important' - Essay to attend a Summer program [5]

No one in my family, like in many other familiesin my community , has ever went to college.

Now that I'm older,and I realize that they did me a big favor and I will do my best to get a good educationbe well educated .

Writing Feedback / 'children workforce has become popular' - essay help [2]

Many people argue that adults should not encourage children to work by paying them. In my view, this issue needs to be consideredcarefully bacauseby carefully analyzing the arguments both for and against.

One of the main reasons why it is wrong roto employ children for paid work is that children have a right to play and enjoy.mM oreover, their biggest dutyresponsibility at this age is to studyingand ,to make theircareers bring into the field of their choicethem a successful future in the field of their choice. Furthermore, children are not old enough as well as health enoughphysically fit enough for working like elderadults. Besiders, at this age children haveare not been aware of the risk when they are working . As a result, they can be injured or meet with an accident, even they can become victims of acts of violence.

Graduate / SOP for PhD admission in Radiation Health Physics [3]

During high school, I was observing my uncle when he was studying for the residency program in Radiology. That was the first time when I first knew about radiology and radiation physics. I was eager to learn more about this branch of science which deals with invisible radiation to visualize human organs. ------------ this gives you a good entrance to your essay if it is said with a bit more punch. Just have a look at my suggestion;

I sill remember how eagerly I observed my uncle who was studying for the residency program in Radiology while I was in high school. That was the time I first became aware about radiology and radiation physics, which deals with invisible radiation to visualize human organs. Soon I became more and more curious about this branch of science and got passionately attracted to it.

Graduate / (surface production facilities) my SOP for master degree in petroleum engineering [3]

After a successful undergraduate education and atogether with a sound working experience in the Oil and Gas industry, now I amwould like tokeen on elevating my careertakemy achievements to the next level. I thought carefully ofWhen I analyzed my career options carefully, Iand realized that this is the perfect timing for my contribution to the efforts on finding new extraction technologies for exploring the remaining petroleum deposits, which is indeed a burning need of the hour.to during these challenging periods of unrelenting research worldwide for extraction technologies to bring out the maximum remaining petroleum, this would be the perfect time to contribute . For that I need a unique advantage which I truly believe would be truly delivered by that your esteemed university would deliver what I am required to be equipped with for taking up this challenge and to make my contribution to the society.

I am looking forward to pursuing a master's degree in petroleum engineering with a special focusfocusing on oil drilling and the new technologies employed for this purpose . in it,mM y research will beconcern aboutfocussed on drilling deviatedion s, horizontal and multilateral horizontal wells, and how to drill through HPHT formations and how to save time and money throughmake this operation more time efficient and cost effective. I am also concern aboutinterested in offshore drilling and improving the techniques of drilling in deep water areas. After completing my Master's degree I intend to enter the work field to increase my working experience and improve my career, i will also start to pursue a PhD degree.I believe this Master's degree would enhance my opportunities in gaining further practical exposure in the oil industry and thereby help me with my career advancement. It would also help me lay the foundation for reading for a PhD degree in the future.

I believeam very confident that x university is the perfect place, which would helpforme to make my dream a reality.( break)Theas it is reputed for its specialtyreputation it has earned for itsin Petroleum Engineering and it has a very stronghigh faculty standards and advanced research facilities in the field of Petroleum Engineering made me believecan help me to achieve my goal.that it is my first choice, without any hesitation, in order to pursue my goal.

I am also confident that I havethe preparationspossess the required qualifications, skills and potential to prove I will be an assetadd value and be a good fit forto your graduate program as a graduate student and as a research assistant. Thank you for your consideration; I look forward to an intellectually inspiring and fruitful association with your university

Hope this would help you. GOOD LUCK & BEST WISHES!!

Undergraduate / Transfer Essay for College- Not the future I want [4]

"Child, remember why we are leaving our parents, siblings, house, jobs, and homeland? For your future." My mother was reminding me about the reason of my family's move to America from P. when I was nine years old. -------------------- This gives a good entrant to your essay, but I feel you should improve its flow. I suggest;

"Child, always remember the reason why we left our parents, siblings, house, jobs and homeland - It is becuase for your future". These words of my mom echored in my ears while I was sitting in my College Chemistry class and at that moment I realized B College was not going to help me meet the aspirations of my parents.

Writing Feedback / Business and culture - losing ourselves in the rapid pace of development of society [2]

In the recently years , the situationlevel of interaction between countries in the world has intensified in teams of economy, culture, communication etc ... Someone suggest that the rising globalization hasvebeen advantagesousto their countries, however others regard that the correspondence produce countries forgetit had threatened their national identityies.

Undergraduate / 'life may not happen the way we would have desired' - Autobiography essay [4]

Unfortunately, my mother somehow found out about myartistic talentsthat I am seriously interested in art and she forbade me from continuing my natural skillinvolvement with artistic work . When an authoritya figure with authority speaks, one must obey and listen s with no questions being asked. That rule is a family tradition in my family and therefore I could not negatechallenge my mother's demandsorders. When I eventually moved to the United States at the age of 16, I decided to pursue an education in architecture. I lived with my mother and step father with two little sisters. My mother seemed to support ed me in my architectural studies. However, no matter how hard I tried to succeed in that major, I was a complete failure. In the back of my mind though , I still wanted to be a professional artist and would often sneak out at night to draw animals. The more I practiced my drawing skillsdid draw , the more desires that I had to be a professional artistpassionately I got involved with my dream of becoming a professional artist.However,As time passed, mythe relationship with my mother startedprogressing downhill.began to strain. We lacked the love that had been avoided for so many yearslong neglected due to heras she had a new family with additional children. I attempted to move away from my mother while I was attending college because my relationship continued to wither away.(did you move away? Better be specific about it) As time progressed, I married the man of my dreams. My life was further fulfilled by having a baby. I ceased thinkingdreaming about becoming a professional artist. I directed all of my energy into beingbecame dedicated to be the best wife and mother that I could possibly beSince I now had my own family, IThis made me realizerealized the true importance of a family and therefore decided to search for my father. When I finally found him, I realized that although he was not a great father in the past, I felt a true sense ofthe joy and comfort in simply being with him.

You have a very interesting story which arouses one's emotions while reading. I enjoyed helping you with this essay. Should you need any further help, I'm ready to offer.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / UCI Supplemental Essay- Separation and Moving Schools [4]

Of course you would. You are a smart guy and this essay proves it. I enjoyed reading it and I'm very impressed with your positive attitude. It is the most important thing in life for one to be successful because the life is always subject to change. A person who can easily adapt to changing environments while making use of the opportunities it creates is the one that can go a long way. For that you need a very positive attitude and you have beautifully convinced the reader that you are such a person. Stay positive... you'll be selected!

Cheers!

Undergraduate / UCI Supplemental Essay- Separation and Moving Schools [4]

Your intro is very impressive. Your writing skills are excellent and more than every thing your story convinces the reader that you are a very strong personalty.

GOOD LUCK !!

Scholarship / 'Biomedical engineering as my career for life' - essay i wrote for scholarship [4]


I don't see anything wrong with grammar here and your writing seems quite good.

However I think your intro has the potential to be much more interesting to the reader if you pay some more attention and arrange its flow of ideas giving some more emotional touch .


I suggest some thing like;
I still remember my love for servicing electrical appliances at home when I was a kid. I was the first hand support to my mom every time she had an issue with home appliances. However, it is this saying of my teacher, "Everything in universe is engineering, even the rise of sun and flight of birds have some engineering behind", that made me seriously inclined towards the field of engineering.


Good sentence.

Biomedical is among the most rapidly growing disciplines with the most attracting area for research and development.

However, I am keen interested toon pursueing my further studies in nanoscience and nanotechnology

The advancement of nanotechnology and the effects it has had on civilization has always put drove my attractionserious attention towards it.

GOOD JOB n GOOD LUCK!!!

Undergraduate / 'life may not happen the way we would have desired' - Autobiography essay [4]

I am a 30 year old s female born in the love month of February. Unfortunately, I do not remember very many detailshave a vague memory about my parents because they got divorced when I was very young. My parents decided to move to the United States leaving me behind in Vietnam to be raisedwith my grandmother who was solely responsible for raising me. My father virtually disappeared, having no contact with me at all. My mother remarried and began a new family. I truly felt abandoned as a child but my grandmother did theher best to prevent me becoming a disturbed child and influenced me to think positively. . job that she could to raise me in a positive manner .

As I progressed through my childhood and teenage years, I developed an affinity for using colored pencils to draw cartoon characters. In my country of Vietnam, resources were very scarce. I did not have the luxury to utilize and afford artistic materials like crayons, markers, and specialty paper likeas many American children do . However, my grandmother and my aunt realizedwere convinced of my artistic and creative talentsthat I was truly talented in my creations and planning forwished me to learn more about art. They felt likeknew my talent was in my blood because my father was an artist. Although my father was not a nationally known artist, hewho was very popular as a talented artist in our own community. I truly loved art and had a strong desire to become a great and famous artist.

Writing Feedback / (Background knowledge) - the notion of space and place in relation to everyday life [3]

Foucault, in this perspective, argues that power is linked to everyday practices onat all levels of social life.

For instance, the rules of a given society are transmittedinbegin to transmit from the family, where a child, for instance, learns how to behave appropriately in public; in this regard power can be productive.

The power of the police comes to the foreinto forcewhen they order oneis stopped with theto stop his car.

Writing Feedback / ACCOMPLISHMENT REPORT: ENCOUNTERS UPON OUR OUTREACH PROGRAM WE CONDUCTED [2]

To eradicate illiteracy and promote functional literacy for the out of school children; this is our main goal which the Alternative Learning System (ALS), as part of the school curriculum, has given us athe privilege to somehow fulfill one of the country's worst predicaments- high illiteracy rate. -------- this is a good start

Those children, age ranging 5 to 16, who have also been never goneeither never attendedto school or dropped out of school, have made our program undoubtedly purposeful. (Make a stop here otherwise your sentence would become too long and complicated ) becausenot only them the specific learners are but also ourselves who have significantly learned.This program not only helped these children learn but also helped us gain a valuable exposure.TheyIt made us become more responsible towards ourhelped us to equip our self's development and sense of community, helped build our self-confidenceas well aswhile creating opportunities for us to sharpen our critical thinking and problem solving skills- these , that were given a great focus in thetwo are belonged on the five learning strandsof Alternative Learning System curriculum.

Scholarship / 'What i have learned in young women ambassadors' - SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY [2]

Young Women Ambassadors is a program that has taught mehelped me acquire a variety of skills that will be beneficial to my future, but the most significant of all, was that it taught me to believe in myself.

I dreaded having people look at mebeing noticed by others because I was scared and didn't want them to know me . ----you have to specify what you didnt like them knowing

Even at my first YWA meeting I felt so intimidated walking into a room full of girls that had thatwho were very self-confidencet .

When the topic of toastmasters was being introduced my heart sank, and my anxiety started to rise. --------a good sentence

As the meetings continued my confidence improved. ---- I suggest;
However, my confidence began to improve with every meeting as they progressed.

I could see that I was not the only one thatwas scared to get up on thatwho suffered with stage-forbia , but after watching so many other girls do it; it didn't seem that scary.and our fear began to dissapear when we watched many other girls speaking confidently on the stage.

Undergraduate / 'learning to official terms' - Common App Transfer Extra Curriculars [6]

Dear Salman,

No ... I work here as a contributor with the intention of helping others at my best ability. So should you need any help you can always approach me and dont think bad about it. It's my pleasure to help you with improving English :)

Graduate / 'The ability to learn quickly' - personal statement for masters in computer science [2]

I think you've written it quite well. However, if you wish to improve it further, I think you better try to give a bit more emotional appeal to it. Specially your second, third and fourth paras give straight accounts of what you did. If you can present them with a touch of emotions as you did in your first para, it would be more appealing to the reader. Also I wish if you talk a bit more about your artistic and creative skills in the fifth para because it helps them understand that there is another interesting side of you. So make use of that point.

Please consider my comments as just suggestions for further improvement of your PS. In fact it is already quite good. My intention is to help you come out with a great PS.

GOOD LUCK!

Writing Feedback / Today more people are travelling than ever before. Benefits and why? [5]

There is a clear trend that an increasing number of people choose to travel during their holidays.This has substantially boosted the touring industry'sthe development of Tourism Industry .

This essay will explore the reasons offor this trend and the positivesadvantages of traveling.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Travelling benefits for the travellers [6]

to attend a family functions

There are many advantages of travelling places like ranging from exploring new places, culture and people to relaxation & fun with family. -------------- this sentence does not flow well. Try;

Travelling enables people to explore new cultures, meet new people, relax and have memorable holidays with their families.

Globalisation has definitely decreased distances among cultures. many peoplehave experienced this during their work trips(you tell the same idea in your next sentence. Hence avoid this one ) Business has grown to manyfolds at country levels due to which many peopleare frequently travelling to other countries. For instance, Software consultants have to travel to visit client's location in other countries for requirement gathering of work. Experiencing new places, meeting new people and cultural experience are clear advantages of travelling.

Scholarship / "Me, my career and my goals" essay - International Scholarship [4]

Here are my suggestion for you to cut down the word count;

I was born in the capital city of Austria, Vienna, to a wonderful familycome from a wonderful fun loving Austrian family with seven children.My parents with us, seven children, have hopefully not only many problems but also a lot of fun. My father works asis a director of an NGO and my mother asis a nurse., while we, children, study universities, secondary schools, or elementary Schools.And my sibblings are students from the elemantary to tertiary levels education.

During my first years in the Elementary School with extended language teachingI remember howgot excited I was about learning English, the English poems, songs and games, in the Elementary school . I liked the way our teacher provided us songs, and games in English , but mainly I remember how my father took serious concern about supervising how we understand this languagemonitoring our progress with English unlike his approach to any other subject . . The point that he did not really care about any other classes made me work hard.I needed to live a decade more to understand how important was his approach.Then mM y excitement aboutpassion for helping and caring for people and nursing lead meled me to choose attend Secondary Church School for Nurses. After four years I gladly finished it with a diploma.where I completed my Nursing Diploma.

There is one important reality I did not mention yet.Besides my acadamic interests, I love Abalone. My father thinks thatviews Abalone isas a great game that gives you the basic ideasteaches the fundamentals of theabout world and that is why he taught his whole family how to play it . I started to play when I was about five years old and I still dohave been playing Abalone since I was five . Even though my father who taught us how to play Abalone never meant any of us to play Abalone on such a high levelexpected that we would reach such heights,we were improving a lot and currently we aretoday our family is one of the best in our country. In 2008 I was the European Champion and a year before a Vice- World Champion. Beside Abalone I love sports such asI like tennis , ping-pongtable-tennis , ice-hockey and I used to played basketball for about ten years . Our team won few medals, however these achievements cannot be seriously compared towith the ones in Abalone.

Graduate / 'studying bachelor of interior design' - Letter of admission intent to design school [2]

I am writing this letter of intent to express my interest and reasons offor applying for Parsons AAS program in Fashion design. After graduating from university at the end ofin 2011 I realized that fashion design has always been my true passion.

Even through interior design course I always had a thought of doing fashion design, however I did not want to complete another bachelor degree all over again.------------- this is a confusing statement. The reader gets confused about the two courses, interior design and fashion design. Better re-write this sentence again.

When I learnt about this AAS program online I immediately feltfell in love with it.and knowingWithout any doubt I believe that this program will be the best path for me if choose to have a successful career in fashion industry.

Undergraduate / 'the best institution to begin my studies' - University of Toronto engineering [3]

Very impressive start. I like your intro.

I feel that an engineering degree will help me combine the beauty of nature with the eleganceboldness of human innovation and give methat would equip me with the tools to improve society as a whole. ------------- Beautiful sentence. I gave these suggestions for your consideration only.

I need to be a part of a society that encourages creativity and outsideout of the box thinking in all of its students, and I feel the University of Toronto is the best choice toaid me in my personal and academic growth within this respect that would help me with both my personal and academic growth.

Outside of the classroom, I have developed many skills necessary to succeed.

I learned how to be strict when neededrequired , but also empathizeempathetic when anyone was faced with difficulty

You've done a good job. GOOD LUCK!!

Undergraduate / 'learning to official terms' - Common App Transfer Extra Curriculars [6]

I have been working at AK Food Mart,is my fathers convenient store and gas station I have been working there for almost 9 years. I really enjoy working there even though I started working there justmy first intention was to helpgive my father a helping handout and soon. I began takeing over more and more responsibilityieswhen I started high school I began to also workand worked there for almost 25-40 hours a week most of them on the weekendsduring my high school days.Those days the income from thisbB usiness wasn't good enough for us at the timeto employ an outsiderafford another employee so we had to the bestmanage things ourselves.Therefore I had towas skippingskip classesschool a lot and messed all my grades. and just didn'tHowever, I gave priority to our family businesspay attention to it because that time I had no plans to attend college. During this process I missed out on my high school years, I didn't go to prom or my senior trip because I had to work. Shouldn't I be I was getting 250 dollars a week with no bills to worry about.( consider taking off this sentence because it confuses the reader)I learned a lot working there met a lot of people atHowever this exposure helped me mature as a businessman and at the age of 16 I was confident in a sense running my own business.I had a lot of responsibilities there like doing all the banking and managing the inventory and managing the employees.I developed many business management skills such as HR, Accounting, Communication etc. through this real life on the job experience andEveryevery time I'm sitting in class in college now andI listen to my professorsare takinglecturing on these subjectsabout accounting, management and human resources I feel I'm just learning to official terms for it because I know and have practiced a lot of the stuff.arrange my real life experiences in a more organized manner that would help me fine tune my business management skills further.

Writing Feedback / The value of understanding ideas and concepts is higher than learning facts. [3]

because ideas usually containsmorea wider range of knowledge and developsforove r a long period of time.

Those people dedicate their whole life to specific areas and in the end they leftleave all their efforts in their words. --------- for me, this sounds a bit weak sentence because it does not convey your idea convincingly.

Scholarship / An Engineering being born (science, technology, engineering, or mathematics) [4]

Furthermore, the scholarship will give me extraadditional opportunities to implement my innovative and unique ideas in designing ground-breaking mechanical engines that would help revolutionize the dynamic world.

Dear Ace Wang,

This is one of the best I've gone through in this forum. Great Job & Well done!!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-- One or two close friends vs. a large number of casual acquaintances [3]

There is no need for me to put any emphasis on the advantage of having a large number of casual acquaintance. ------- I feel that the tone of this sentence is a bit rude and abrupt. And hence it disturbs the reader's interest in reading your essay. Better say the same idea in a more polite manner;

There are many advantages in having a large number of casual acquaintance. However,...

We can not deny that being a friend with someone is different from only being an acquaintant.

After two years in college I have found sometimes there isare more differences between people than similarities, for we are growing in the different families and was educated in various ways.because we come from diverse backgrounds in respect of family and education system.

Undergraduate / 'I researched registered nurse' - career project [6]

I like keeping things neat and being organized is important to me. AdditionallyFurther , I learnedfeel I am not artistic and I work with little independence.

Graduate / SOP : Global economics and development - International relations [4]

Your intro is very impressive. Overall, I think you've done a great job.
GOOD LUCK!

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Parents should not Control What Children Learn at School [5]

For those parents who like to supervise their kids' learning at school, theysometimes worry about ]classes setting] class set-up thinking that they may not meet their child's requirements becauseso reasonable because different childrenhashave different interests.

Undergraduate / 'my Armenian and Italian neighbors' - USC Academic Interests [5]

My family's perspectives and thatthose of my Armenian and Italian neighbors varied significantly especially when discussing gender roles.