Writing Feedback / IELTS: Education in Australia [2]

The tables show the results of a survey abouton education in Australia between 1997 and 2005. And then, there are two tables show subjects for student in 2002.


This is a very poor overview. It does not provide the reader an overall picture of what those tables present. You need to give some major trend/ trends in your overview. This is what I suggest;

Overall, the students per lecture has shown a continuous growth throughout the period under review while lecture-based subjects had more participation of students compared to the student participation of practice based subjects in 2002.

Letters / Petroleum Institute Admission Cover Letter [2]

I am currently doingpursuing my B.A.S in Mechanical Engineering and expectedexpecting to be graduated in June, 2014. As noticedshown in my transcript I have taken many courses to assist me in pursuing a higher degree. (I feel this sentence is not really suitable for this cover letter. You don't have to cite evidence for that) I also have a total ofpossess 9 years work experience in GASCO - Habshan Plant,which comprises 4 years as a Mechanical Technician and 5 as a Mechanical Supervisor.

Writing Feedback / Some sportsmen earn more money than other professionals; 'specialist of sphere' [10]

Nowadays, sports have become a very good source of earning money. As a result, some professional sportsmen can earn much more than people who work in other important professionalsprofessions like doctors and teachers. However, there are many concerns whether it is justifiedregarding whether it is fair or not. Personally, I think it is fair that sportsmen earn more money and I have some reasons for it.due to several reasons.

Very good introduction. You follow the right structure :)


Well, I think you've done a good job :) Keep it up!

Graduate / "Cancer" - Personal Statement for a Masters of Public Health Program [4]


Yes, this dreadful six letter word keeps stretching our its deadly arms across the globe.


My first experience with this deadly disease occurred while I was in high school when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Seeing how many different people were working together as a team withto support her to fight this diseasecancer amazed me and further validated my decision to pursue a career in the health field.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - "India Takes Pole Position" - FII Flow to Emerging Markets [6]


Oh...yes... I am pretty late to find this post. This is not at all acceptable to be published in the forum. As Pahan has already mentioned, you need to type your essays (or copy paste a word doc). You can upload only the images as supplementary docs to assist others to gain a better idea about your writing. Kindly post your essay here again in the right form.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Life was better when technology was simpler. [5]

Yes, follow the approach that Pahan has suggested to you. This task has a major bearing on time and managing time effectively would play a great role in your score. Your target should be to score well with a good structure that contains all the features that are necessary for you to earn marks, as well as you need to manage time effectively to complete the task at the exam :)

The suggested structure helps both those goals :)

Scholarship / present field study; 'I mixed concrete with rubber' [3]

You need lots of improvements in presentation of your above ideas. First of all, it is very important for us to know the prompt for which you provided this response. Hope you would post it here so that we would be able to help you with improving its presentation. Your prompt (topic) would help us understand what it requires from you. Post it here soon :)

Writing Feedback / Honesty vs Telling lies - persuasive essay [5]

First, what is the purpose of writing this essay? It is important for us to know in order to provide you with meaningful and task related feedbacks. Second, you should have included the essay prompt here because that too gives us lots of information to provide you with good feedbacks.

Lying is a sin from my religious beliefperspective. Not only lying is a sin but you can lose trust between othersit would have very negative consequences on you such as loosing your integrity.

Writing Feedback / 'Many small businesses focus on individualism' - teamwork versus individual work [4]


In this scenario, the individual is forced to depend on himself for performing the given task and would experience many hardships and difficulties in such work environments.


Well, you don't say what type of businesses focus on individualism. Better mention that for the reader to get a clear idea about what you talk. Also, any business would rely on its sales, be it in the service sector or product manufacturing. So I have a problem with this line;

Writing Feedback / Individuals should not be allowed to carry guns - 'used for illegal purposes' [6]

I have a few admin requests - First, mention the purpose, e.g. IELTS, TOEFL etc. in the title itself so that we can provide you with more task related feedbacks. Further this thread should have been opened in the WRITING FEEDBACK forum which is the most appropriate forum for this task. This has been moved from Graduate Essays to Writing Feedback.

Again, include your full prompt with the essay for others to have a better understanding about what it requires from you and align their feedbacks accordingly

Research Papers / Portland cement - waste brick: environmentally friendly standards [2]

Nowadays, Portland cement is the main material to cement for livingthat is used as cement in house construction. Whereas,However, Portland cement has a few main weaknessesthat relate toin terms of strength and cost efficiency as material construction for living house.

Portland cement was proven hashaving higher strength far above the standard cement for housing (xx: 20xx)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Should a jury know about previous crime records of a defendant? [6]

I think it is good if you included examples of more specific nature :)
It seems you have very good writing skills, but I think it is good if you polish your approach a bit more. I mean, your writing is very good, but you have all the potential to go for a real high band. Wish you good luck with IELTS :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: Callum University graduates - numbers of male students [8]

Your overview should present the main trend or trends to the reader very briefly without any details. The details should be followed in next body paras. So, let's try to do an overview for this essay. What are the main trends here?

1. The number of graduates have increased over the period.
2. The numbers have stabilized by the end of the period
Let's do the overview;
Overall, the number of male graduates who pursued science degrees at Callum University had increased over the period. These numbers had begun to stabilize from 2005.

Writing Feedback / How should children be taught? [6]

That's ok, this is your first thread and follow those instruction in future threads. :)


In my view, both parents and school need to play equally important roles in teaching their children to be responsible citizens in society.
On the one hand, parents are the people who can understand clearlytheir children better due to their emotional binding they have with their children and have the most influence on their children.Due to this reason, the parents to have a more powerful influence on their children.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Scientist are responsible for the negative impacts of their discoveries. [7]

It is much better had you included your prompt (topic) in the post. Then we could have had a better understanding as to what it requires from you and aligned our feedbacks accordingly.

Do include your prompt in your future threads.


Both these sentences mean more or less the same.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Scientists' contribution vs. artists' contributions [5]

... Well, I find your first sentence is quite complicated. You could have said that idea in a simpler manner and that would have been more interesting.

Writing Feedback / WRITING IELTS TASK 2: Artists, Money and Government [3]

This is the third essay for which I am providing my feedback on this same topic in a row today :D


Well .... these sentences are irrelevant to your topic. You need to begin your essay with a statement that has the ability to hook your reader throughout your writing. So, this hook statement should be shorter, interesting, meaningful and relevant to your topic. Do not go out of topic when you choose a hook. If you don't get a very bright idea at once, then start with the background of your issue.

Writing Feedback / Life is unfair; Big money for some modern artist while other struggle to survive [5]

Broadly thinkingspeaking , most people who work in art industry is usually associatedfamous artists usually associate with rich people


.... a confusing sentence... you need to improve its presentation and clarity!


Some artists are well off in life with great income levels while others simply survive from hand to mouth.

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]


First, welcome to EF!. Yes, you can become an active member here and get others feedbacks on your essays while contributing your share to help others improve :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL composition, about effective leadership [5]


Is this your full prompt? I feel it is only a part of it. It's always better to post it in full so that we can understand better what it requires from you. I guess this is Agree/ Disagree type essay, isn't it?


This is too lengthy sentence to open your essay.

Writing Feedback / GRE ISSUE: Competition for high grades seriously limits the quality of learning [3]

I have an admin requests - This thread should have been opened in the WRITING FEEDBACK forum which is the most appropriate forum for this task. This has been moved from Graduate Essays to Writing Feedback by us. Open your GRE topics in Writing Feedback forum.

Many people say that competestiff competition that prevails in schools for high scores willtend to force students to just learn the knowledge that will appear in the test.acquire knowledge for the sake of performing well at the examinations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Modern artist is a sort of high paid profession; 'preparation process' [6]


Well, this sentence has a fundamental error. Artist is a person and not a profession. You can say," I am an artist by profession" or " I am a professional artist". But you cannot say "Artist is a highly paid profession". Also, this is somewhat an imbalanced generalization. Some artists are really rich, but many others are really poor. It is actually the issue of this topic too.... I think this is not a very good hook for you to start with.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-GT: Our Dependency on computers, & computer's use in future. [6]

Hey, this body para is too lengthy. It might put you in trouble at the exam as this task is time bound and you need to complete your essay within 30 mins

Graduate / SOP - 'My grandmother' - Applying to MPH in Epidemiology and Global Health [3]

Ok, what Pahan has given you above is a very good guideline for a SOP. A good SOP should be around 1200 - 1300 words. SOP is the best opportunity for you to talk about you as a person. Your other docs like transcripts, letters of recommendation, test scores etc. talk about your credentials and experience, but not about you as a person. So be creative in your SOP and talk about your interest, commitment, achievements, hopes and dreams :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK1; the number of Canadian university based on sex [7]

You begin your essay with a detailed para, not an introduction. Follow Pahan's approach for this task. Have a brief introduction that introduces your graphs and then an overview, again a very brief statement expressing the main trend/trends. Remember, this task is to assess your report writing skills. So, you need to present facts in a more concise, clear and a reporting style.

Writing Feedback / International student from an emerging market economy; course essay [8]

there you go .... lol
Ok, I think you can have one para for each of those questions. That'll give you a better flow for this essay and they too will find it easier to understand what they expect from you to tell. As it is the flow is not that great. Why don't you re-do this again. Write your answers in separate paras to make up a full essay and post it here. I will try to help you with my feedbacks for further improvements.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose - University of Southern California (MS-CS) [3]

Sorry for being late :)
Well, as I set my eyes on your SOP, the immediate feeling I got was that it is pretty too long :( I believe a good SOP should be around 1200 -1300 words. This looks much longer, isn't it?

I guess you should trim down too much details on your projects. In my view, you need to talk a little more about your future goals and how this program would assist you achieving them.

Writing Feedback / Fixed punishment or flexible one? [5]

Well, I have a few admin requests - First, mention the purpose, e.g. IELTS, TOEFL etc. in the title itself so that we can provide you with more task related feedbacks. Also this thread should have been opened in the WRITING FEEDBACK forum which is the most appropriate forum for this task. This has been moved from Grammar Usage to Writing Feedback. Also, you should have only one essay per thread. So we had to remove your other essays keeping the first one here.

Please follow these forum rules that help both us and you. :)

Writing Feedback / Writing: The high sales of popular consumer goods/ advertising as extremely powerful tool [15]


Sure, will do :) Please also mention that (IELTS) in your title itself so that it helps others to provide you with more task related feedbacks :)


As Misterwandering has mentioned, the prompt = topic :D
This is the overall essay structure I repeatedly suggests to those who prepare for IELTS and TOEFL.

Writing Feedback / Person with Humor - Humor is an important trait [4]

First, you should have mentioned what had been the purpose of writing this essay. It is an important aspect for us to know in order to align our feedbacks and comments with your task requirements.

Integrity, courageousness, kindness, and discipline are the important traits in humans.however,However, I believe that a sense of humor is also one of the most important traits in humanin us for a couple oftwo reasons. First, a personPerson with a sense of humor has courage to hold a positive attitude overwhen he or she is in difficult situations ofin life.


.... more than this, I think they take things more lightly :D

Writing Feedback / Biographical sketch on experiences or events with significant effect on you- BYU [4]

I was born on February 13th, 1997 in Seoul, South Korea into aneconomically well-lived family.[/quote]a family which is financially well off.


... I guess it is good to avoid saying "Asian father". Not all Asian fathers are strict and therefore it sounds like a stereotype generalization which can even sound a bit racial.

Although I was a well looked after kid in terms of comforts, I missed many childhood enjoyments due to my father's strict attitude.

Writing Feedback / How should children be taught? [6]

I have a few admin requests - First, have a meaningful title for your essay in the subject field when you open a new thread. (this title has been attended by us) Also it is good if you mention the purpose, e.g. IELTS, TOEFL etc. in the title itself so that we can provide you with more task related feedbacks. Further this thread should have been opened in the WRITING FEEDBACK forum which is the most appropriate forum for this task. This has been moved from Grammar Usage to Writing Feedback.

Again, include your full prompt with the essay for others to have a better understanding about what it requires from you and align their feedbacks accordingly.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 1 : the number of animals with tha amount of rainfall [6]

Where is your graph? Upload it using the Attach file(s) feature in the Message block.
When you upload the graph, I will provide you with more feedbacks :)

Writing Feedback / Public transportation is a great way to travel [4]

I have a few admin requests - First, have a meaningful title for your essay in the subject field when you open a new thread. (this title has been attended by us) Also it is good if you mention the purpose, e.g. IELTS, TOEFL etc. in the title itself so that we can provide you with more task related feedbacks.

Undergraduate / Hiking is rewarding; University of Washington transfer personal statement [3]


... Ok, let me suggest the parts you can do away with :)


Well, here you can skim the main idea and present in one or maximum two sentences. The focus of your response should be mostly on answering what they intend to know which is ;


It's good to present your answer creatively, but you need to pay more attention to the facts .

Writing Feedback / Parents are the best teachers; 'they play vital role on children's education' [8]

In addition to the structural improvements we suggested you (both I and Pahan) I thought of making a few more comments on your writing;
Let's take this sentence -


.... this sentence is not conveying a clear idea to the reader as it is cramped up with too many words and ideas. Write sentences shorter, one sentence per idea to enhance the effect of your writing. Clarity in your writing is the most important thing when it comes to writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Male graduate from Cullum university [9]

In the next couple of years, this trend increased slightly by 4.3 thousand before it experienced a little dipslight drop to 4.1 thousand in 1999.

Surprisingly,after a short dip periodThereafter, the number of graduat malesmale graduates rebounded to almost twofold male scholars7500 in its numbersgraduated from science faculty, this noted as the peak year.

Avoid words like "surprising", "interestingly" etc. as this is written for the purpose of reporting. However, you show a great improvement now :)

Writing Feedback / Life comes in different shapes and sizes; staying in one place or moving- choice [4]


This is a pretty confusing sentence :( You should present your ideas more clearly. You have to rephrase this sentence as it does not provide any sort of clue as to what you mean.


Ok, this gives some sense to me what you try to mean. Is it;
I love moving into new places because it provides me with greater exposure and knowledge.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1. University graduates, Canada, 1992-2007 [3]


You need to improve the presentation of this intro. Look at Pahan's suggestion. That is how you should present your intro.


This is wrong interpretation :( The numbers increased steadily form 1992 to 1995 and then fell again. Again it picks up from 2001 onward for both genders. You should not misinterpret the trends. In the detail paras you need to discuss about every small thing in detail.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-International tourism should respect local cultures; 'Chinese restaurants' [7]

Admittedly, traveling to foreign countries is beneficial for tourists to have a all-round commandpeople to gain a well rounded knowledge aboutof a wide variety of foreign customs and habitscultures. Not only gain the tourists new experience throughcan enjoy visiting historical heritagesheritage sites, tasting special delicacyfood served from different cuisines and communicating with local residentsexperiencing the lifestyles of local people, but their outlooks are substantially enlarged and their ability of acceptance is markedly enhancedalso they can broaden their outlook largely by all these experiences.