Research Papers / Help on writing a research paper on online music piracy [3]

Greetings!

Because music piracy is a legal issue, you might try checking legal journals such as the ABA Journal, UCLA Entertainment Law Journal and the National Law Journal. You should find some articles on the topic, and those articles will undoubtedly contain citations to other sources, most if not all of them scholarly journals or statutes.

I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / The motives that make people work - essay [4]

Greetings!

It sounds to me like you have done some research and have laid a good foundation for your essay! Dividing it into categories like that will make the essay easier to write, and keep it in a good, logical form. Once you've got a rough draft, I'd be happy to help with some editing!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Work or a social issue related topic that affects your life. [6]

Greetings!

What you need is a thesis statement which tells what your paper will be about and takes a position on the topic. For example, if you were writing about immigration policy in the U.S., you could say "Immigration is a hotly debated topic in recent years, but a close look at the issue will show that immigrants contribute a lot to American society, bringing cultural diversity, a ready labor force, and many other benefits to the country." Your essay would then go on to talk more about these benefits, as well as mentioning the arguments against an open immigration policy, and why those arguments are not correct.

You can use this or a different topic, but that is the basic formula: a thesis statement in the introduction, followed by paragraphs which support your thesis and arguments against it which you then refute. Your conclusion will then summarize the main points of your paper.

When you are researching your topic, use your school library's online database to find articles and books about the subject. Use these sources to support your argument, quoting from them and using whatever form of citation your teacher told you to use. Ask your instructor or a librarian for additional help with this if you need to. It's a little confusing at first, but you'll learn quickly!

I hope this helps you get started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Children and their duty to take care of their aging parents - essay [4]

Greetings!

I'm happy to help! Your grammar and spelling aren't perfect, but I think you're doing very well! Here are some editing tips for you in bold:

I would say yes, children should care for their aging parents. The parents accept it as their duty to take care of their children, too. So, I think it is a moral obligation to give it back. And what happens to the aging parents if nobody helps? They must go live in a nursing home. In my opinion the quality of living is not as good in nursing homes. They would not be very happy. What kind of child is it which thinks it is right that his parents are unhappy in their old age. You can also see it from another aspect. Older parents can help their adult children. For example, they can make some meals or look after their grandchildren. And you should not forget a nice grandmother or grandfather can add very well to the climate of everyone's family.

In conclusion, I would say it is very important to help your parents and all children should accept it as their duty to take care of their parents.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Definition Essay on hero ; HERO IS MADE AND NOT BORN [2]

Greetings!

I think you've made some good points about heroes. You might want to add a little more about what a hero is; you have more about what a hero isn't. Here are some editing suggestions for you:

A hero is someone that could be a family member, your friend or even a stranger. But a hero is someone that will do something for you no matter what, without thinking twice before doing it. - I'd change it like this; otherwise, you are calling a hero (singular) "they" (plural).

Heroes are not always what we expect them to be. However, they are not the way cartoons tend to describe them. _ I'm not sure they are ever the way cartoons describe them. ;=)

We sometimes think and refer to a hero as someone that will come and save us by flying through the air, or who can do magic, but that is not what a hero is. - This would be a good place to go on to say more about what a hero is.

A hero does not have to be someone that you know, and a hero is made, not born, a hero.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Electronic media, drawing, and sculpture; "Who you are/explain your self" [2]

Greetings!

Another great essay! Here are a few editing tips for you:

Art has been one of my favorite interests and hobbies throughout the years.

The majority of these awards were won

a monumental and successful community, with over a hundred thousand unique visits each day.

The fact that people around the world die [delete around the world] due to the lack of doctors is a scandalous thought

are in a situation in where they could use all the help they can get.

volunteer at the Presbyterian Hospital of Allen, where I helped in the emergency room.

Really good work! Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "Person that has made a Diffrence" (2/3) [2]

Greetings!

I like your unique take on the assignment! Here are some editing tips for you:

Sometimes the greatest tools and inventions in our world are [delete often over] seen as an integration of life

Life without Page's ideas

School work has been probably the most impacted aspect of my life Page has affected me with. - Better would be "Schoolwork is probably the area where Page has had the most impact."

He unlocked the locked door

dictated through our teachers

Imagining me without Page

and sung a solid view from my book, - I'm not sure what you were trying to say here

However because of him, we are exposed to a plethora of ideas, and this allows me to conform to my own individuality,

as well an opportunity to see [delete a] related issues at a magnitude of different angles.

and made my wildest ideas into another person's reality.

They have helped me to connect beyond my current area, and have allowed me to learn about anything from someone else thousands of mile away from a different perspective, allowing me to establish my own theories and views. They have, as well, taught me a plethora of things I could have never imagined and have allowed me to succeed in them throughout my high school life. Page's constant contribution to the cyber world has totally revolutionized the way the world was once run. He has strongly influenced my life, and has [delete overall] crafted me into a person who I could never have been without his mind and his tools in life.

Good job! Maybe you should send Mr. Page a copy of it! :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Who is a professional banker? A person takes up challenges [3]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay! I have a few editing suggestions:

These steps could begin when first opening an account as a child to helping them close an account when one dies as well as everything in between, assisting people get various types of loans, and working out any issues that may arise. - You have just said the banker can help you from birth, but now you are saying the steps begin during childhood. Better might be to say "Whether assisting a child to open his first bank account or helping someone close one when a family member dies, the banker is there to assist people with their financial issues."

Car or motorcycle loans can be for a new or used vehicle or motorcycle. - Technically, a motorcycle is a vehicle, so you could delete "or motorcycle" and eliminate the repetition.

A Secured loan is another option that can be used. The way that this type of loan works is

Fraud is a big concern to bankers. This can happen easily when someone steals one's debit or credit cards or [delete "their"] checks.

Whether at the beginning or end, the impact a banker makes on that customer's life will help them on their journey. - Don't switch to second person at the end ("you")

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Typical Features of athenian democracy v. modern western democracies [2]

Greetings!

Well, the first thing is to make sure you understand the differences between the two--classical Athenian and modern democracies. As you say, you'll need to know the key features of each. You might be surprised at how much information you can find just by doing an internet search with the terms "key features Athenian democracy." For example, I discovered that the chief difference in the Athenian model was that the people voted directly on laws and bill themselves, without electing representatives to do it for them. And of course, not every member of society was eligible to vote, an important distinction as well.

Do your research and start by making lists; that will make the actual writing easier. Don't worry too much about how to make it long enough. By the time you have explained the key features of each system, you'll be well on your way. Then, you can fill out the rest by answering the question which asks for your opinion on western democracies. Giving your opinion is always good for expanding word count! :-)

If you'd like to post your rough draft when you have one, I'd be happy to help with some editing!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "A Call to Improve Campus Accessibility for the Mobility Impaired" [2]

Greetings!

I think you've written a good essay! I do want to caution you about word choice; make sure that the words you use say exactly what you want them to say. For example:

In my opinion, the writer argued her position by conducting personal interviews with permanent and temporary disabled students. - Whether she conducted interviews is not really a matter of opinion; she did, or she didn't.

In analyzing the quality of Manasi's argument she focuses on presenting - It is you who are doing the analyzing, so you can't say "In analyzing ... she focuses on ..." You could say, "My analysis shows ..."

In my opinion, I interpreted that the logical reasoning in Manasi's argument was a way for the reader to associate how easily a handicap facility can go unnoticed by an ambulatory person. - It is not necessary to keep reminding the reader that it is your opinion and your interpretation; that will be apparent.

A handicap facility only seems to be noticed when someone ends up temporarily or permanently handicapped.

In conclusion, I would be supportive of Manasi's "A Call to Improve Campus Accessibility for the Mobility Impaired."

Manasi, however, did make some good points that the facilities' priority should not only be based on the permanent disabled students and staff but the temporary personal as well. -this is not clear; are you talking about temporarily disabled students, or temporary personnel? I'm not sure what "personal" refers to.

One of my main reasons for supporting Manasi is that it should be the university's moral obligation that each student should be given the equal opportunity to achieve the best quality of life and education they have to offer while attending their university.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Important Issue to you" College Entrance essay [2]

Greetings!

We provide our services for free. I'd be happy to help with some editing tips!

Trashing money is not something we would expect anyone to do. Then why do schools in Texas and throughout the United States do this? Recycling is an abused and ignored subject in society today and neglecting it just burns up our money. Recycling is [delete "a"] needs to be an important part of a school as it helps preserve the environment and help saves money.

With the rising costs of today of various goods, recycling is an easy solution to alleviate those costs. - Whenever you use the article "a" before a noun, if the noun starts with a vowel (a, e,i,o,u) you must use "an" instead of "a". You will need to change this in your essay wherever it appears.

one high school can save about two hundred and fifty gallons of oil a day. - This figure seems very high! Perhaps it's true, but be sure your facts are correct.

It would almost seem as if the government would want people to burn up their money. - This bit if editorializing really does not add to your essay; I'd delete it.

More resources are expedited on creating a product from raw materials, as compared to recycled material. - I think perhaps you meant "expended" rather than "expedited."

Why does the government oversee this important concept, and continue to ignore it? Such a simple method with powerful results being neglected is shocking, and needs more attention and reconsideration in our society today.

The School Boards seemed to be against the promotion of recycling. When thousands of bottles were being exported a day by students, and a school was attempting to make a difference and recycle, the school board shut us down.

No enforcement or promotion is being advertised by schools, and this is affecting the current and future generations in the long run.

You might also want to go through and make sure you don't have too much repetition of the same points. Even with no word limit, you want your writing to be streamlined.

Keep up the good work--our planet appreciates it! :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Boarding school essay.. "Why am I a vegetarian?" [3]

Greetings!

You've written a couple of great essays! I have just a few editing tips for you:

I came to realize that it is wrong and immoral to inflict any harm upon another living creature

In conclusion, I believe that I am doing my part in order to make a difference. - This statement is a little to general; it sounds a bit cliched. You could say "I believe I am contributing to good in the world by respecting all of its living creatures." That's just one way you could put it, but the idea is to be more specific.

Jimi expressed his love for life through music; [use semicolon]I try to do the same.

Although during the 60's many saddening events did occur, like the Vietnam War and the assassination of John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr., [add comma] I do not believe they outweigh the positive and groundbreaking aspects of this wonderful decade.

In conclusion,[delete "the 1960's"] if I had the chance to visit another time period, the 60's would be my definitive choice.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / My vocabulary drives me crizy!! [4]

You're welcome! We're happy to help. Just post your essays and we can give you some guidance about how to improve your written English.

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / "300" - Movie summary and compare/contrast [2]

Greetings!

You don't say whether you have seen the movie or not, but even if you haven't, you should be able to find information about it in online reviews and articles. I would suggest you make a list of as many major plot points as you can, especially with regard to the political situation which led to the battle. Then, do some research through your school library's online databases about the state of government in Greece and Persia at that time. Is there solid evidence that this battle actually took place? If so, what instigated it? What type of government existed in Greece prior to democracy? Were the Persians trying to take over the whole region? Was this indicated in the movie?

These are just some things to think about while you are doing your research. Once you have a rough draft, I'd be happy to help you with some editing!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Help with Thesis on Jane Eyre and The Box Garden / Unique love and marriage [4]

Greetings!

Although there are some good ideas in there, I think your thesis is packed a little too full. In fact, it is a run-on sentence. Let's see if we can whittle it down to something more manageable! :-)

In Charlotte Bronté's Jayne Eyre and Carol Shields' The Box Garden, characters and setting reveal an inherent rift between essential identity and superficial identity. - I think if you put a period there, the sentence is much easier to understand, and it provides a good launching pad for what is to come.

as demonstrated by the setting, Jane Eyre's and Charleen Forrest's mistaken perception of identity and the archetypal struggle of Aunt Reed and Charleen's mother. - This phrase is rather confusing. It would probably be best to leave the discussion of setting for the next sentence, rather than trying to cram it into the opening line.

You might want to follow your first sentence with something like "The authors use setting to enhance the characters' perceptions of mistaken identity and create the archetypal struggles that Aunt Reed and Charleen's mother endure. (Perhaps "endure" is not the right word; you are more familiar with the texts, so you can pick an appropriate descriptor.)

I think there is often a temptation to believe that the thesis must contain every bit of relevant information about what is going to happen in the essay; that is not only unnecessary, but can really muddy the waters, creating an opening that leaves the reader confused, rather than enlightened.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / "Do not trust your memory; it is a net full of holes "- ABSTRACT ESSAY [3]

Greetings!

You've written a great essay! I have just a few editing suggestions:

The suffix "pie" stands for "think." - Where is the suffix "pie" in the word "memory"?

Memory is classified into three groups:

The amount of information retained by sensory memory is limited.

Understanding various memory disorders assists in defining memory

The ability to retain information decreases with age,

Long or short periods of memory could be lost.

when memory loss does occur, one ceases to be the same person again.

Very interesting, and I think the quotations add to it!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Speeches / Suggesting a few ideas about Qualities of a good speech [11]

Thanks, alashmori. You've pointed out the most essential element of a speech: the audience, because without that, there's no point in making the speech!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Pride and Prejudice Essay. Starting a research. [8]

Greetings!

Try thinking about what influence the patriarch theme has on the story. Does it affect all the main characters? In what way does it direct their actions? How does the author use it? What does it signify? What was this theme meant to accomplish? How would the book have been different without it?

I hope this gives you some ideas to get started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay about "The Story of an Hour" [3]

Greetings!

I think you've written a very good essay! Here are some editing pointers for you:

Louise, the wife in the story, did not recognize her newly found freedom at this point. She was fearful of the force that was taking her. She cannot yet grasp the idea that she will supposedly begin a new, independent life after absorbing the news of her husband's abrupt death. - Watch your tenses. You begin this paragraph in past tense and then switch to present. Analyses of writing are often done in the present tense, though it's not mandatory; just pick a tense and stick with it.

Recognizing a new sense of freedom can often be resented by accepted simultaneously. - Check this sentence; it does not make sense grammatically.

It successfully depicts Louise's transformation from a woman in an oppressed marriage to a woman about to embark onto a new lifestyle of freedom and happiness, by showing her ambivalent emotions as she progressively starts to accept it. - The last part of this sentence is a little awkward. Better might be "by showing her ambivalence and eventual acceptance."

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / My vocabulary drives me crizy!! [4]

Greetings!

Writing can be a challenge even when it's not in a foreign language! Your desire to learn, though, will help you get through. One thing that helps to improve writing, whether in one's own language or a new one, is to read, read, read! It might not seem like it, but reading can make a huge difference; you pick up on things, both consciously and subconsciously, when you read that will help you when it's time to write. When you know you have a specific problem, like writing too-long sentences, that's half the battle--you know what to be on the lookout for! Whenever you write a sentence that you think might be too long or complicated, ask yourself: how can I simplify this? What is the simplest way to say the same thing?

Also, when you have an essay you need to turn in, feel free to post it here so we can give you editing advice! You can learn from your mistakes, and improve your grade at the same time!

Best of luck in your studies, and I look forward to reading your work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Thesis Statement Re: Early Mortality of Rock Stars [10]

You're very welcome! I think the final result of your essay is excellent!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Susan Glaspell's Trifles essay [3]

Greetings!

I think you've done a good job discussing the symbolism in the play. I do have a few suggestions for you.

In Susan Glaspell's, "Trifles," symbolism is used to emphasize the meaning of the play. - This statement may be just a little too general, perhaps stating the obvious. Perhaps you could be more specific about what you mean by "the meaning of the play."

The women characters in the play, Mrs. Hale and Mrs. Peters, solve the murder, while the men, the county attorney and sheriff, wonder about trying to figure it out. - never use an apostrophe to make a word plural.

there was one jar of cherries that was still good. - The subject is "jar"; the jar was...

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / DIETETICS Field; UBC COMMON APP - Achieve life and/or career goals? [6]

Greetings!

I think you're off to a good start! Here are some editing suggestions:

By taking the appropriate courses at UBC and talking to experienced counselors, this will help me attain my goals by giving me the experience I need for my dream career. - If you are using British English, then I think two L's in counsellor is OK. In American English, it's one.

Planning out a journey to become a dietetic in the future is not easy without any help or experience. - I think I'd eliminate this sentence; it seems like something that goes without saying.

nutrient and health courses.

There are also courses which allow me to gain experience of how is it to be a dietetic. - Better would be "which provide insight into the career of a dietitian." I'm pretty sure that the word you want is "dietitian" and not "diatetic."

These helpful people are experienced counsellors who are willing to talk to students and allow students to clearly understand themselves and gain more confidence.

Many times, counsellors provide students with information that they need to know. There are many helpful resources at UBC that guide me through to attaining my career goals.

I am willing to work hard and pursue my dream.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Article Essay; 'Ellen Goodman has been a journalist' [4]

You're welcome! Yes, usually in formal writing one sticks to third person; however, I have seen some instructors specifically require the student's own opinion, which requires first person. Without a specific instruction to the contrary, just use third person. :-)

Best of luck with your paper!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Thesis Statement Re: Early Mortality of Rock Stars [10]

Greetings!

I love the opening! And the rest of it is equally good! I have just a few editing suggestions:

Because of his desire for normalcy, he took painkillers in an attempt to eradicate his feelings of depression, his panic attacks, and his migraines, which he. But the pills he took made him someone he was not. - Looks like part of this got lost in a cut and paste. ;-)

lest he fall into the same trap. So much so that, when he started dating his future wife Sue Miller, he quit alcohol "cold turkey" - The second phrase is technically a fragment; you could fix that by eliminating the period and using an em-dash: into the same trap--so much so that,

Because of Jeff Tweedy's intense dislike and lack of respect for the kind of behavior that is attributed to many rock stars, he has survived and thrived. survived his own drug experience with the help of rehabilitation and has therefore thrived artistically - I'd do the same thing here: survived and thrived--survived his own drug experience ...

Really good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Essay ( On Star Wars and Lord Of The Rings) [5]

Greetings!

I think "full of nonsense" is a bit strong! :-) But let's take a look at these sentences:

This display of courage is in stark contrast to Anakin's actions, despite being a victim of the same problem. - It is not clear what you are referring to as the "victim of the same problem." Is the display of courage the victim? Is Frodo? Are Anakin's actions? One cannot be sure.

Although both dimensions show the burden of belonging to a chaotic enviroment, - This one is a little harder to tell about, because it is out of contest. However, I do think it would benefit from being made simpler. A phrase like "show the burden of belonging to" is a bit unwieldy. Better would be to just say something like "both dimensions spring from a chaotic environment" or "both dimensions are negatively affected by the chaos of their environment." Make sure you have explained in the preceding sentence what you mean by "both dimensions."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Need Help with a research paper about Air Pollution in New York City [7]

Greetings!

Fortunately, you have plenty of time left, especially as you have a lot of research already! The first thing you will need to do is decide what you want the focus of your paper to be. It can be daunting when the assignment is wide open, as it sounds like yours is. You could do a history of air pollution in New York, if your research will give you information about air pollution in the past. Or, you could write about the various things the city has done and is doing to combat air pollution. Let the research you have found thus far guide you in the direction you should go. Then, once you have the topic narrowed down to a particular approach, write a thesis statement that succinctly states what the paper is about, and the slant it will take. For instance, you might decide to critique New York's efforts by saying, "Although the city of New York has known about and taken steps to deal with the problem of air pollution for decades, it is still not adequately dealing with the problem." Or, you might take the opposite stance.

Check out our Free Essays and Articles section for tips on writing research papers! And feel free to post your rough draft here for editing advice when you have one!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Post-WW II era / development of animosity between the US and the USSR [2]

Greetings!

You have, as usual, written an excellent essay! It was not immediately clear to me, however, what you were saying was "the one most significant reason for the development of this animosity"; were you saying it was "those leaders' willingness to shape the international stage according to their respective political visions of what could have been the best governance system for humankind"? You might want to make this just a little clearer. Your conclusion also leaves things a bit up in the air; just something to think about. Other than that, I have only these suggestions:

World War II is of particular importance as regards politics

had the same objectives, i.e., security and development - i.e. require a comma both before and after it.

Very good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / DIETETICS Field; UBC COMMON APP - Achieve life and/or career goals? [6]

Absolutely! I'll look forward to reading it! :-)

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Work or a social issue related topic that affects your life. [6]

Greetings!

Yes, I'd be happy to! Just post your essay and I'll give you some editing tips! :-)

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / SCARY MOVIES; What is your most frightened experience? - college essay [13]

Greetings!

If the assignment is to describe your most frightening experience, then I see nothing wrong with the amount of time you spend on the accident itself. I think you also relate the after-effects of the accident quite well, too.

I just have a few editing suggestions for you:

Wires started sizzling and sparks flying. We all were screaming hysterically, fumbling in the darkness. [I would delete "and managing to make it out." It sounds like you were out of the bus already] The world went topsy-turvy, but I tried to calm myself down [delete "in fright"] by repeating [delete "it"] over and over: it was just a little collision.

I was too frightened to think, however; all I wanted was to get out of the bus and arrive home.

I wanted to smell my mother's perfume;

Every second I struggled, my nails dug deeper into the leather of the seat and the more I wanted to survive.

After the accident, I [delete "grew to fear" - that does not really make sense] worried that I subconsciously lost some of my spunk for taking challenges, but instead I started pondering more carefully about the loss and gain of every action I take.

In negative ways, the bus accident weakened my sense of security and it has haunted me all through my life [delete "since after"]. However, it now reminds me of how strong-willed I am for surviving and how it may have contributed to my survival in school and community. Each time when I am faced with a problem, I will approach it with strong will and perseverance, just like the moment I felt a strong desire to live and struggled to find a way out. Meanwhile, I strived to work my best in both school and community. I became a camp counselor in a boys & girls club and youth center, and shared my own story while teaching the youths to be resolute and able to protect themselves in danger.

Terror, although it existed whenever I retrospect to a bus accident, I will fight against it with a strong will. - This sentence does not really make sense. Better would be "Although it was a terrifying experience, the bus accident left me with a strong will to fight and survive."

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Studying in a very competitive school and traveling' - My Personal Statement [4]

Greetings!

Yes, I think it is a very strong personal statement and speaks very well of you! If I were going to offer just one more suggestion, it might be to consider changing these phrases: Moving towards my extra-curricular activities ... Moving away from field activities ... I found these a little distracting, as I found myself actually picturing you physically moving toward or away from these activities! You might want to substitute "In addition to..." or another more neutral phrase.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Work or a social issue related topic that affects your life. [6]

Greetings!

Teachers sometimes have a way of making something easy sound difficult! I think what your teacher meant was that your paper will start by explaining what the problem is and then give some ideas for how to make the problem better. I think a good topic for you might be the difficulties of trying to learn and fit into a new culture! You could talk about the things that seem very strange to you, the difficulties of making yourself understood, the challenges of doing schoolwork in a foreign language--anything you can think of that has made life a little more difficult because you are not in your home country. You could then talk about ways you have adapted, and things you have learned that help make it easier for you. Because you will be writing about something that comes from your own personal experience, it should make the assignment easier for you. If you are supposed to make it relate to a social issue, you could talk about it in terms of immigrants adapting to life in a new country, then mention some of your personal experiences.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Satirical Essay about Stephen Colbert and Politics [4]

Greetings!

The most torturous part is getting started, I agree! I think the fact that it has to be satirical, though, is great! You can easily find ways to write satirically about Colbert, perhaps more so than any other candidate--or, in his case, non-candidate, since he was rejected by his home state for not being "legitimate." If they're going to question his parentage, it's a wonder someone from Arkansas could get elected! (Okay, that's a bad joke, but you get the idea ... just run with it!) I'd advise finding some articles about him--not hard at all--and see if any tidbits show up. For instance, I read that 48 people have filed as presidential candidates so far, while 199 are still trying to cough up the $5,000 needed to run under federal campaign finance laws. This guy has a TV show and can't drum up $5,000? What network is he on, the "Don't Bother Watching Channel"? Of course, that's a little more like stand-up schtick than satire, but you can inject some irony and make it more satirical, depending on how you present it.

I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Essay ( On Star Wars and Lord Of The Rings) [5]

Greetings!

Sometimes things get a little garbled in the translation from the brain to the fingers (typing or writing). I think, for one thing, that your writing would benefit by being read aloud. Go through every sentence and read it out loud, making sure it says what you intended it to say. I think you will find with sentences like these that it does not sound right:

for example Juxtaposition and colour connation."Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith" On the other hand "The Lord Of The Rings: Fellowship of The Ring", is based on repetition (associations towards the ring itself) and use of imagery and metaphor. - I was not able to tell whether "Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith" was supposed to go with the phrase that preceded it or the one that came after it. It is just sort of stuck there by itself.

Clever techniques and use of shallowness from characters show us the life of being influenced to evil. - I doubt that you speak like this; it would be a very awkward way of talking. Why say "the use of shallowness from characters" when you could simply say "shallow characters"? Remember that more words and more syllables does not necessarily make for better writing. In fact, it often detracts. Here's another way you could express the same sentence: "The authors employ clever techniques to create shallow characters who are easily influenced by evil." I'm a little unsure about saying "clever techniques," though, because if you say that, you must then explain what sorts of techniques you are talking about. To leave it like that would be too general.

You employ semicolons quite a bit. You should probably avoid them; they can be a bit tricky to use. Notice how in the previous sentence, both phrases on either side of the semicolon were complete sentences. You can put a period in place of a semicolon, but you cannot substitute a semicolon where a comma should go, because a semicolon divides two independent clauses. Each one must be able to stand on its own.

I think you should go through each sentence in your essay and read it out loud. Ask yourself if it sounds natural. Is there a clearer way to express it? For example, "Incentives present themselves to the characters in ways which resemble evil and lust for power." Why "resemble"? What incentives? Instead you could say "The characters are tempted by evil which creates in them a new-found lust for power." I think if you concentrate on expressing yourself more simply, your writing will be much less likely to be branded with "bad expression" by your teacher.

Give it a try--go through each sentence and see how clear you can make it! I bet you can do it!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / USC personal statement - EXTERNAL INFLUENCE [3]

Greetings!

I think that sounds like an excellent choice--it answers the prompt exactly. When you write it, you might try beginning it like a story, in the middle of the action, so to speak: "I was barely listening, but the man who was speaking was about to change my life ..." or "I picked up my instrument and sighed: another boring day in orchestra, I thought--but I was wrong." You get the idea; draw the reader into the story.

I hope this helps get you started! I'd be happy to help with some editing once you have a rough draft, if you like.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / DIETETICS Field; UBC COMMON APP - Achieve life and/or career goals? [6]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to try to help! First of all, it would be helpful if you are at least somewhat clear on what your life and/or career goals are! If you know what major you are planning on pursuing, you may also have some idea what you'd like your career to look like once you graduate. The focus of the statement will really be more on what those goals are than about "how" attending the university will help you achieve them. Just by virtue of the fact that you will get your degree there, that is the "how" of it. So talk about what you'd like to do with your life, what major in college will get you to that career, and then mention what programs the school has that hold particular interest for you in pursuing those goals.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Studying in a very competitive school and traveling' - My Personal Statement [4]

Greetings!

While we can't send you the edit privately, I'd be happy to give you some editing advice here! I think you are right about the opening. Part of the problem is that the first sentence starts off talking about your family, then the next sentence launches into the real estate industry, followed by some statistics. What you might want to do is to push the drier, statistical information a little farther back, that is, perhaps in the second paragraph. If you could lead off with a true story about something that happened in your family's business that really captured your interest, that might be good. Anecdotes about something that excited the author tend to pull the reader in more than recitations of facts and figures. Not that there's anything wrong with including that information--it shows you know your topic! But since you asked for help making the opening stronger, that would be my suggestion--personalize the opening a little more.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "So you're Peruvianese" ;My unique background- Clever and funny [3]

Greetings!

I think your essay is very interesting, and you present aspects that are unusual enough to make reading it enjoyable. The only thing I can think of to make it even more appealing would be a bit more humor. Do you have any funny stories about cultural clashes or misunderstandings that happened? Perhaps something with an "everything turned out OK in the end" type of feel? Essays with a "feel-good" sort of tone tend to stay with the reader and make the author more memorable. Search your memory banks for something like that, and if you can't come up with one, don't sweat it--it's really a very good essay!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Essay for Carnegie Mellon Supplemen: Design [2]

Greetings!

You've written an excellent essay! I have some editing suggestions for you:

At the same time, design requires me to think - do not capitalize "design" unless it is the title of a course, like "Design 101."

Designers must venture into the world and take in and carefully evaluate their environments. - "their" is plural, so you must say "designers."

This is important, because the most important aspect of design-any design:

Very creative!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com