Scholarship / My character and life event - scholarship character essay [8]


Where do you see a comma splice? I don't see it.

The sentence structure is very good in this essay, but the premise seems simplistic and not well-explained. For example:
In hindsight, I see how this revelation gave me direction in life. It gave me the drive to do well in school and compelled me to take my future into my own hands.----- this whole idea that the tragedy made you realize you have to work for what you want... it doesn't make sense unless you mention something about the brevity of life or the consequential nature of our actions.

The essay is also too vague; can you add some sentences to show what your career plans are, (even if you might change them).

:-)

Undergraduate / "born in Nicaragua" & "Bump on the road" [5]

Life is not what I expected it to be, I was born in Nicaragua and at the age of fourteen I moved to the United States. ---- this is a run on sentence.

Life is not what I expected it to be. I was born in Nicaragua and at the age of fourteen I moved to the United States. Now, I have come to realize the true meaning of the terms "obstacle" or just a single and "bump on the road."

What defines a person is not her or his attributes, but how s/he uses those attributes to overcome life's obstacles.

Don't capitalize this: The language barrier has been the obstacle in my personal life, and struggling against it helped me develop a sense of independence, responsibility, and integrity.

...I now believe that I can rise through anything.--- I think you are right!! You write very well.

Writing Feedback / 'Getting what is different' - TOEFL:People are never satisfied with what they have. [2]

Great intro paragraph!

The first factor is the jealousy. The jealousy ...

Jealousy also makes people to wish or to seek to have something more, something different or better than what others have. --- very good!!

This feeling of superiority makes of them unsatisfied people. ---- technically it is correct to write it the way you had it, but it is clearer this way.

As an example, there are a lot of female actresses and male actors who are not satisfied with their faces .

They want to be perfect, at all so they go through plastic surgery to make some changes in their faces.

If the non dissatisfaction leads to a better thing, it will be awesome. People should not be impulsive by changing what they have, because some time we change something bad to something worse .--- hahahah I love the ending.

Very good, your skill is easy to notice. I can tell you worked hard to master English. These mistakes are minor.

Research Papers / The role of technology impacting the future schools [3]

SO much has been written about technology in the curriculum.
I really recmmend getting a questia membership as they mentioned, because it will create your Works Cited page for you. Every time you read an article, click "Bibliography" and "Add to Bibliography" and then go write a paragraph and cite the author's name in parentheses at the end.

When you are done, go back and click "Bibliography" and "create bibliography" and select MLA as your style. It will make a Works Cited List for you!!!

Questia costs a little money, though. $20 for a month or 99 for a year.

To get you started, Google this:
sample paper in mla format
read some sample papers, and notice that the first sentence of every paragraph is a topic sentence that gives the main idea of the paragraph. It is followed by an example, and maybe a citation of an article. Write a few paragraphs like that! You'll do well.

When you search questia or some other database, search for this:
technology curriculum school

Just be like a robot and read and write, read and write. Write a paragraph about each article and cite the author's name at the end. Then when you are finished, go back and add an intro with a thesis sentence that captures the main idea that emerged from your synthesis of articles.

Essays / The curious incident of the dog in the night time- How Christopher thinks? [4]


You don't need people to provide quotes, because you are studying this book in your class. Don't try to avoid spending time with the book. In the days before TV was invented, literature was important for entertainment, and you would have enjoyed it! :-)


the teacher wants you to write an essay that explains why it is important to understand Christopher's personality.

What if your little brother has to read this book in a few years? You would have to explain to him why it is important to know how Christopher thinks in order to appreciate the book. You want your brother to be able to appreciate literature, right? So write an essay that is like an email message to your brother, and use a few paragraphs to give examples of times in the story when, in order to appreciate the theme, you need to know how Christopher thinks.

To get you started, google this:
The curious incident of the dog in the night time haddon analysis

Don't forget to enjoy writing the essay! Talking about art and literature are some of the most important aspects of life.

Essays / Academic Essay Topic, a common essay subject [19]


you can have a thesis that involves three ideas, but they should all be related. Don't just make three different observations about the story.

Google this:
Flannery O'Connor A Good Man is Hard to Find analysis

...and you will find a lot of excellent, thoughtful material about the book. The idea is not to take their ideas as your own, but instead to look at the themes and symbols and literary devices and "get inside the author's head." You will suddenly have an idea that is completely original, and you'll know exactly how to express it in a sentence.

Read what other people have written about it, and in minutes you'll understand it deeply. Then, add a little of your own personality to the contemplation of the themes, and you will come up with an idea that feels right.

I hope you have that great experience! It makes writing easy and fun.

Undergraduate / University of Calgary Biomedical Research Program Admissions Essay [4]

Get these verb tenses to agree:
Although I'd prefer not to think about what I'd have to do if I didn't get..
or
Although I'd prefer not to think about what I'll have to do if I don't get...
Either of these ways is okay, but your way is not. I bet you can figure out why if you read them aloud.

there are multiple ways around this minor speed bump in the admissions process. --- This part seems a little cocky; maybe you can think of some better phrase to write?

This part below is an example of how you can make your writing more powerful if you get right to the point, saying what you have to say in fewer words:

Knowing the absolute importance of the medical research field, especially in the world we live in today, I know there is...---- this is clunky because of "Knowing that, ----> I know there is...

It'll be better if you get rid of "know" in one of those places:
My awareness of absolute importance of medical research in our modern world makes me confident that there is...

Your thoughtful reflection is really impressive! I think you should feel confident, because the reader will definitely be aware of your serious attitude toward medical science.

Student Talk / What is ielts writing? I am confused. [27]


Yes, you sure can. We'll try to identify your mistakes and help you improve your skill.


I wonder what happened! Please post it again and we'll try to help. I'm sorry it disappeared!

Book Reports / "Young Goodman Brown", by Nathanial Hawthorne HELP writting essay [2]


Why do you think you are only supposed to choose 2 of them?

For every essay, answer these questions:
What arguments did they make?

How did they "prove" them?

Can you think of counter-arguments to their thesis?

What are they?

If you write a complete paragraph for each question, you will have 4 paragraphs. Include an example or quotation in each paragraph.

If you do that for each essay, you'll have several pages of body paragraphs. Write them, and then go back and add an intro and conclusion. :-)

Research Papers / global warming research paper, an idea to get energy audit [2]

Separate this long phase with a set of dashes:
This implies that despite the other problems each country is facing -- such as political, diseases, poverty and war -- we should all unite to save our planet first.

Don't use but and also yet... just use one or the other:
The scientist and the worldwide leaders have agreed that the climate change is caused by human activity, but yet we have done little to modify our environment.

Building green homes is important both economical wise and environmental. ----- this sentence is al messed up. You are supposed to be using adverbs to modify "important" so write this:

Building green homes is important both economically and environmentally.

As you complete the paper, keep this assertion in mind:
The scientist and the worldwide leaders have agreed that the climate change is caused by human activity, but yet we have done little to modify our environment.---- this idea should be part of the conclusion paragraph. too, and as you complete each paragraph you write you should reflectin on this argument that we have not done much. That will make the essay powerful and memorable.

:-)

Graduate / SOP for Process System Engineering in UK schools [5]

This sentence is a tough one, but I'll try to interpret it and fix it:
I had no outlet for my enthusiasm about monitor and control as well as optimize and design systems, but that changed as I grew older. With my vast knowledge of the sciences I was advised by my parents and mentors to study Chemical Engineering in my degree program.

Does that seem like what you were trying to say?

:-)

Book Reports / Did thomas scott commit treason against the Metis? [9]

It was a matter of perspective. Whether you think Scott was right or wrong depends on whose side you were on. You should Google this:

Siamandas the execution of thomas scott
And you'll find something that helps.

I hope you are actually reading the story so that you understand what happened! What do you think is the main reason people were upset about the execution?

Graduate / Personal Statement for LLM in International Economic Law [4]

Here are some ideas for you:
I am a senior student undergraduate majoring in Intellectual Property Law at my university's College of Law.

During my sophomore year, I found my strong interest in International Economic Law and studied hard on it to master it.

Use a semi-colon here:
However, the course in my university only gives me a solid foundation of International Economic Law; studying the LLM program at your university will help me acquire more professional knowledge and skills necessary for future research.

Cross this out unless you are actually referring to it in a single word: In a word, The LLM program provides me a good platform to study further, so I hereby apply for it.

I expect that I could will be able to analyze and provide solutions to the international legal issues concerning business transactions after my study.

Great job!! You are obviously very serious as a student.

Scholarship / "I excelled in my STPM exam" - NTU scholarship application [4]

Your use of "screwing up" makes this sentence seem brilliant:
I can still recount the times I shed tears for I had disappointed my teachers, teammates as well as myself for screwing up in the National Chinese Orchestra Competition in 2006.

I want to take away this part, because it takes away some of the power of the sentence:
mainly due to my incompetence and lazy attitude.
It is not necessary to be so hard on yourself. :-)

use a comma:
I was haunted by disgrace and humiliation, as I had put all my teammate's effort to waste.

I swore I would to work harder and do my best in tasks I have taken up, taking every day as a challenge. I also learned how to work as a member o f a team.

this is a great piece of writing, very compelling.

Undergraduate / "Qualities that make me successful in bachelor of science"-Deadline in >24 hours [10]

I have volunteered at various locations that involve deal with interacting with and helping kids and adults.

This would be nicer with both of them matching:
My ambitions ambition and determination will motivate me to learn and thus succeed in the Bachelor of Science program.

The Olympics have finally come to Vancouver, Canada. ---- great choice of topic!!!

I want to be able to help these people regain their lives back and enable them from doing to do the things they used to be able to do.

You have a great style of writing. I think you should divide this second answer into 2 paragraphs, though. I'm sorry I didn't comment before your deadline!! :-)

Essays / Thesis Statement Critique/Review - Anthropology (Introduction of the plough) [6]

Yep, I hear you. And even as I was typing that the other day, I was thinking to myself that I know I have topics that I feel I'm just generally bad it: spacial relations, automotive maintenance, anything electronic, chemistry. And Gardner's famous work with "multiple intelligences" supports the idea that some people will be better at certain things than others.

Nevertheless, you should stay on the lookout for those moments when you think of the perfect way to explain something!

Good luck with this project! I look forward to seeing more of it if you decide to share it.

Writing Feedback / insufficient respect towards old members of society [3]

The modern era has robbed many things from us, and out of them one thing is our culture that comes in the form of among the treasures we have lost is one that consists of love and respect for elders.

First, today's generation from their childhood has been taught to live in the split families, so they cannot resist the obligations put by the fulfill their obligations to their elders. The young generation takes them as restrictions and often offends them and disrespects them.

They do not give adequate time to their children -- time to spend with them and to talk to them about their culture and traditions.----- this is a great sentence! I added a dash to make it even better.

The society has turned into barbaric.

People no longer believe in their moral values and traditions. Society has become totally deprived of things like showing respect and gratitude to elders. They are so busy...

very good! I am impressed. You make mistakes in English, but your thoughts are profound.

Book Reports / An hour and the storm by kate chopin - Good thesis? Common traits. [6]

The thesis statement is tough for a compare and contrast essay, because it is hard to write a statement about both stories at once. What sentence can you write about both stories?

Whatever it is, that is your thesis.

Google this:
how to write compare and contrast

You'll notice that there are 2 types of compare and contrast essay: alternating and opposing.

Learn about how to write this kind of essay, and write a few lines about how they are similar or different. Maybe these will become topic sentences for the body paragraphs.

When you look at the similarities and differences, do any interesting observations seem apparent to you? What truth about life or human nature can you discern from a comparative analysis of these two?

Undergraduate / My father drew clean straight lines; TRANSFER (Architecture )-Reasons/ Objectives [6]

"My reason --- is because" --- this is a problem. How about this?
I choose to transfer to IIT is because of its...

It also brings to awareness the evolving and cutting edge technology that is necessary to confidently enter today's competitive work environment. (now add a thesis statement that conveys the main idea of the whole essay).

Put 2 paragraphs together in paragraph 2:
I remember my first introduction to architecture was through the drawing templates and the rapidograph pens that always sat on my father's table at his office. At age seven, I didn't really know the significances of these tools, but I would watch my father for hours as he meticulously drew clean straight lines. His two years... would become the key for my interest in architecture.

Nice! The last few paragraphs are great!
In addition, for someone choosing to study Architecture, I believe it is important to be in an environment surrounding where different set of architectural approaches can be...

Undergraduate / 'Each course ended with a major project' - Describe what leadership means to you [18]


No, you don't!! And also, you should feel confident. These are impressive.
The second one definitely does answer the question by showing an experience involving a decision to pursue entrepreneurship. However, it ends abruptly on an unrelated note:

My dad and I were watching an episode of how ... ill and never felt better because I know that I had made a child's day.

Start a new paragraph here
I believe business would be right for me, because I enjoy having a leadership role. Being the manager of my school store taught me that being a leader means I'll need to make some hard decisions. One time I had to decide whether to do the promotion before the Christmas break or after. I decided to do it after the break and I think it was the right choice. (add one last sentence... a thoughtful, reflective sentence.

:-)

For the last one, they allow 500 words, so write 3-5 paragraphs. Make it a nice, well-constructed essay with a main idea expressed in the intro, a good topic sentence to start each body paragraph, and a conclusion paragraph that reflects on the implications of the theme established in the first paragraph.

Undergraduate / "studying along the bank of river" - reasons to transfer, objectives to achieve [4]

Trim away words that make the sentences overly cmplex:
Sunlight streaming through the Greyhound window woke me up in the middle of on the way to the biggest way transition of my life for eighteen years . It has been long six hours on the bus in an alien world surrounded by alien people trying to picture what life will be like in a few hours, at a U.S college.

I was proud of him as well as envious, in a sense, because I have never seen that look on her face for anything I did -- and I wanted her to pull out that look when she saw me in a magazine associated with one of the best colleges in the United States, especially in XXX College's magazine.

Interacting with students from all over the world and being able to hear a real story from each of them could change one's perspective as his story changed mine.

Among the numerous reasons of desiring to study at my dream college, which has always been XXX College, one of the best reasons is a dream of studying along the bank of river while watching rowing team competing. This image takes my breath away.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Most of secondary schools include the art and music course in their annual program [4]



Yes, but art and music have value that is absolute. If science helps you get a job, that is one step toward having an enjoyable life, but after you get a job you need to be able to appreciate art and music. Without art and music, why bother to get a job? Life is about more than just work and survival. Besides, art and music activate areas of the brain that would not be used otherwise, contributing to brain development.

In addition, not all students want to study art and music courses. --- that is true! Good argument.

Most of them think that they have enough courses at secondary school. It is tough to have one more, in addition to the others.

Also, male students do not want to study music and art, because they think that art and music were made only for women who are sensible about this. ----- that is just a silly idea. Do you really know male students who think it is feminine to be an artist or musician?

So, secondary school should take in consideration the choices of their students. ---- good sentence!

Some people believe that art and music are vital for students because they make them tolerant people. This implies that people who did not study art and music are intolerant, which is not true.

It is good to have some knowledge about art and music , but it will be tedious to have them as a mandatory courses at secondary school. The students want to study them they can attend art and music universities forward in the future.

Well, I don't agree with your argument, but your English is very good! Art and music are beneficial for more than just making people tolerant. Art and music are the things that make life worth living. Everything you enjoy involves art or music. Every product that we design is a work of art. Every sentence we write or speak is a work of art, musical language.

:-)

Essays / Thesis Statement Critique/Review - Anthropology (Introduction of the plough) [6]


What does that even mean!? It's okay for someone, like me, to recognize that he has a poor sense of direction, for example, but with writing, how can you say your skills are not good? We come up with words differently on different days. Also, our writing seems different to different people on different days.

Anyway, you can come up with something rhythmic and excellent.

Thee only error I find here is this:
Technological, political, ecological, social and biological advantages and disadvantages began to appear, showing us how truly revolutionary the introduction of plough technology was for affected human society across the globe."

How revolutionary ----- the introduction was.

This is a good thesis. It proposes to explain the significance of plough technology. It seems solid to me.

:-)

Book Reports / (trouble finding evidence) - Passing by Nella Larsen [8]

Since the beginning of the book, Passing , Irene Redfield is not happy about re acquainting with Clare Kendry.

You are correct when you write in the present verb tense, like this:
Irene does not reply to this letter and later on in the book Clare points this out to her.---- very good!

But don't switch to the past tense:
But Irene strongly hates Clare and sure enough would stop at nothing to get rid of her.
In Passing Clare passes as white throughout her life. Her husband Jack Bellew is a...

Don't keep saying "the book Passing." You can say:
Nella Larsen's Passing is about more than just the death of Clare Kendry. It is about how racism can take control of our lives to the point where every thought and decision is made is based on racism.

:-) You are making great progress!!! Google "diana hacker" and look at her website to become a pro at composition.

Scholarship / indicate my educational & professional goals, describe my current & future plans [5]

FIRST ESSAY:
I found another problem with the first one:
I plan to first earn a BA in Biology and then attend ...

I don't think you say quite enough about your career goals. You do explain very well why you are interested in this field, though.

SECOND ESSAY:


I think you can explain in a single sentence that you want to ease the financial burden on your parents. That way you will have room to include some arguments about why you deserve it. Maybe you deserve it because your career plans are so well-developed. If so, share your vision of the future so the reader will be able to get inspired by you.

It's easy: just come up with a detailed career plan that you can express succinctly.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My dear Roommate", Babson Undergraduate Essay (SE) [4]


"Nationalism" is not such a good word to use in recent years. I think "patriotism" has better connotations, but nationalism is often used to refer to a destructive force in human nature.

As I read though the brochures, heard many visitors and was halfway through my senior year, I decided Babson College would be the right place to begin my adventure, and reaching my goals. It is not only ...

I love to learn, ask questions, and enrich myself with knowledge and adventures of from those who have learned things I have not yet experienced. arrived to .

An ordinary general everyday day with me would be filled with words; I love to talk, and when I don't agree with something you would most likely hear from me. I believe in expressing my ideas and tolerating others but when I don't agree I would debate it.

Don't capitalize roommate:
My dear roommate, even though I haven't met you yet, I promise I would will try to be next to you whenever you feel upset and unhappy . I would will respect your environment and hopefully you will mine.

Nice!!

Writing Feedback / Report Help - Reflection on choice of education. [2]


I think the answer is to take it one sentence at a time. You know what it is to write or speak a beautifully constructed sentence, don't you? Some sense the drumming rhythm, and they align with it, feeling meditative moments while the syllables massage the mind.

Here is a beautifully constructed sentence:
I certainly enjoyed what I learnt, but it was not 'perfect', so the question I asked myself after two years in the program was this: Can I apply physics in the workforce to something I would enjoy more, or alter the degree to incorporate something better.---- I added a colon and made a small change. This makes it even better. Can you enjoy the rhythm of this sentence?

Really, your writing is already great. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! You do have awkwardness in these sentences that refer to questions, though:

Another question that I did not ask, but did research on, was a question of how I could make a difference as a medical engineer on the community, or the world as a whole.--- this time, instead of using a colon I fixed it with "a question of" how could I ...

This sort of thing could be the reason your friend said you write like you speak. When you speak, you might say, "Another question that I did not ask, but did research on, was, "How I could make a difference as a medical engineer on the community, or the world as a whole."--- and even this is okay, if you write it in quotation marks.

:-)

Writing Feedback / living in one place or always moving for a good job ,house,or even climate. [3]

This is very thoughtful, but you will need to practice English a lot. It's hard to learn, but you can do it!

Practice by reading English aloud, speaking the words.

Here is some help with the intro:
With society proceeding in its development, people are thinking about life. Some people prefer to move throughout their lives to look for better jobs, houses, communities, or even climates.

It is possible to find a more suitable environment by moving. For example, looking for a high paying job, we can supply our family with a better life. And finding a place where there is fresh air and sunshine to live is good for old people's health. And we are also able to move to a place where it is convenience to work or for kids to go to school.

Undergraduate / (studying real estate law) Law School Admission Essay [3]

Mark Twain once wrote, "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." ----- if you take out "once" it does not seem like such a cliche.

These compelling words serve as a reminder that ...--- it is awkward to say "These numbers are a reminder" because of number disagreement.

all things are possible especially when one overcomes obstacles. My journey to conquer my fears began during my senior year in college. With four semesters left before graduation, I was still ...

Use a hyphen:
...whole-hearted decisions in fear of making the wrong choices. ---- sounds like "indecision" is a word you might use here... or "Decisiveness.

This is a strong essay! I bet they'll be impressed.
Use a comma to separate 2 halves of a compound sentence:
This opportunity is a perfect fit for my natural abilities, and I look forward to being a successful attorney and a minority leader in my community.

Writing Feedback / American Government "Paper" Concerning the Constitution... [3]

The words national and federal do not need to be capitalized unless they are part of a proper name of some organization or public office.

Google this:
is federal a proper noun?

This is where it gets complicated...


I think this stuff should not be in the intro paragraph. You should do this:

During the drafting of the United Constitution the legislating delegates were faced with solving several dilemmas including: The organization of the National legislature, limiting the powers of the Federal government over it's states, and protecting the rights and liberties of the individual citizen. In resolving some of these issues several compromises were made involving the organization & power of the national legislature. (finish this sentence with one solid thesis statement about the main idea).

Then start each body paragraph with one point:

The Connecticut Compromise"" set-up a bicameral legislative structure of the House of Representatives & the Senate.

While the issue of whether to establish a Supreme Court only or to create lower courts as well was solved by mandating a Supreme Court and allowing Congress to establish lower courts.

An agreement was also made to allow the President to nominate Supreme Court Justices while the Senate would confirm the nomination.

You can't have a smple answer, because the question is so complex! They are asking you for a lot of info if they want discussion of the interests among the colonies AND the compromises, etc., so... I hope they are ready for a complex answer.

Sometimes, teachers assign a complex question and then demand a concise answer, and that is tough!

:-) good luck with this tough assignment.

Undergraduate / 'Each course ended with a major project' - Describe what leadership means to you [18]


Well, you can always chop off "I believe"... it is always a weak way to say something, always better without it.

I believe that In order to be called a leader you must have the ability to influence others to achieve a certain goal.

However, true Leaders are not born with this ability; they must earn it.

I believe Setting a good example and being confident in what I do will allow enable me to gain much needed respect from my students.

:-)

Book Reports / Essays on either Pride & Prejudice or Much Ado about Nothing [5]

Well, for me to work on it, you have to post it here so that other people can learn from it. If you create an EssayForum membership using your full name, you can post the essay here and your name will appear next to it. But make sure you read the TOS. I understand why you hesitate to post your essay online; you are smart to be careful. Thanks for participating here, to whatever extent you are comfortable! :-)

Essays / Psychology Opinion Paper (pointers/suggestions needed) [3]


This is a beautifully constructed phrase; I think maybe you are a better writer than you think!!

Think of something you have a strong opinion about. Do you think ritalin should be prescribed to kids? Do you think it is foolish? Do you think people who oppose the use of ritalin by kids are foolish?

Do you think people with psychological problems should be exempt from capital punishment?

When you have a strong opinion about a topic, you can list 3 important points about the topic. Let each point be a topic sentence (the first sentence of a paragraph).

Then, you'll have 3 good points and the beginning of 3 paragraphs.

:-)

Research Papers / Mass deportation, a proposal that has both advocates and critics [5]


In addition to this, many American businesses rely on inexpensive labor from illegal immigrants, who play an important role in America's economy.

I consider mass deportation to be inappropriate as a solution to illegal immigration.

Time is not the only obstacle to mass deportation; it will also be costly. --- nice transition!!

Don't capitalize "mass":

In addition, mass deportation will also destroy...

I agree that mass Deportation is not the...

:-) these are good, reasonable arguments...

Essays / Thesis Statement for A Separate Peace Chapter 1-3 [3]


Well, it does not have to be "moving" to be a good thesis statement. It has to be meaningful, though. To be meaningful, it must be an insight that came to you after careful, deep, inspired reflection. That is not hard; you do it every day. But can you do it about this topic today? That is the important question.

What are you really saying about the book?

...by challenging their instincts and pushing them furthermore in preparation of wartime. ------- the word furthermore is confusing here. People usually use furthermore to mean "and another thing I wanted to say is this"

I think you should skim through the chapters again while pondering this question:
Why does the author choose the details s/he chooses?
That way, you will come up with a thesis sentence that really makes the reader think. Like this:

The author describes the Super Suicide Society as ________, _________, and _____________, because s/he wants to show _______________.

I'm sorry if that is completely unhelpful! I hope it helps you. The idea is to say something original, something that maybe no one ever said about this book.

:-)

Scholarship / "Once I have a dream" - An autobiography for exchange students scholarship [3]

In order to make the sentence sound nice, keep the verb tense the same
When I was, ----> I admired ----- could play (all past tense)
When I was in preschool, I always admired those who could play the piano.

Extracurricular activities are another important learning for senior high school students. This sentence is "extra." It's not really helpful.

I took part in the challenging activities of the school band.

Besides the music courses in the school and playing recorder, I never received any extracurricular music education, but my music dream drive compelled me to tackle the upcoming challenges. I told myself: I might not be the one who play the musical instruments the best, but I must be the one who pays the most effort. ---- very good attitude!!

What is more, I got a number of experiences with teamwork and togetherness.

Finally, I made up my mind about switching my study to cognitive neuroscience in my junior year of college.

After I graduated from college, I did a one-year internship in elementary school.

Furthermore, I enriched my research experiences by working as a research assistant and participating myself in different various conferences and workshops to receive the latest research directions in the field.

Finally, I got the sought admission last year. As for my music dream, I hibernated for four years, and I am still in practice to achieve my dream.

The process ----> makes...
Although my journey of pursuing my dreams are is often not very smooth, I do not particularly envy those who have a meteoric rise, because the process of struggles makes my results even more precious.

Excellent, this really shows your seriousness and makes the reader want you to have every possible opportunity.

Great job, please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Scholarship / SOP for exchange students scholarship (COGNITIVE NEUROSCIENCE) [2]

I don't think this is right:
are surrounded by a more elaborated environment.
I think it has to be:
are surrounded by a more elaborate environment.
or:
are surrounded by an elaborate, complex environment. --- this is how I would do it...
but actually, I am not sure about this word. Your way may be right.

If you want to say the concerns belong to the scientists, write this:
are most scientists' concerns. --- the apostrophe comes after the s

In particular , I am much very interested in the role of hippocampus when it in binding the information for memory formation and spatial navigation.


Excellent choice!!!

While conducting the Zhong-Yong experiment, we found that for people with high Zhong-Yong scores are generally well-rounded in personality.

Nevertheless, there are still many issues that need to be explored in the application of the virtual-reality techniques.

It is usually the case that those who develop the techniques do not have the in-depth understanding of how human mind operates and how the operation of human minds interact with the machinery.

Therefore, their experimental designs of the experiment can only be phenomenally categorized.

I believe that, with my strong motivation for learning and research experiences, I have much to offer.

:-) impressive!!

Graduate / I'd like to be a knowledgeable professional; Science & technology:SOP- MS Computers [2]

Right from my childhood days, I was interested in anything related to science & technology.

The emergence of science and technology has had immense impact on mankind in recent years.

This does not work:
I always wondered -----> the limitless possibilities
You can fix it like this:
I always wondered how simple electronic devices worked and about the limitless possibilities.

...laid the foundation of for my career in the field of science & technology.

I think you should type "and" instead of &

I think this sentence could be made to be a little more concise, poignant, and powerful:
The positive learning experience that I had during this project left a lasting impression on my mind & I decided to choose a career in software industry.

How about this:
The positive learning experience that I had My experience of ________ (give a powerful noun that will make an impression on the reader's mind) during this project left a lasting impression on my mind, and I decided to choose a career in software industry.

Also, how about not using "strongly believe":
I strongly believe that The XYZ course at the XYZ University, with its emphasis on fundamental ...

I think it would be nice to combine 2 paragraphs so that you have a well-developed, thoughtful conclusion.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'Each course ended with a major project' - Describe what leadership means to you [18]

However, true leaders are not born with this ability, but instead have to earn it.

I would use a dash in this sentence:
Leaders can only accomplish this by applying their own leadership attributes -- for example their ideas, ethics, morals, expertise, values, personality and knowledge.

You should use 2 paragraphs for this material. Start another paragraph here:
Being the manager of my school ...

This is kind of abrupt as an ending:
In my past few months as manager I have been able to influence students to help me on a big promotion. The promotion came up with stellar results and to this day it's still in session. (how about adding one more sentence at the end to reflect on what it all means).

:-)

Undergraduate / "The house of my Grandmothers" - descriptive essay about growing up in w.v. [2]

Oh, that is difficult! It's easy to forget the stuff about composition that we learn in school. All you need to know is in a book by Strunk and White called the Elements of Style and also on Diana Hacker's website. Check those out!!! :-)