Undergraduate / Craving for Computer Science - Georgia Tech Essay [11]

Hi Logesh, you definitely improved the content of the essay and delivered the central reason for your interest in your major with the additional idea. I just had to edit the content to tighten the essay. Here is what I came up with for you:

About two years ago, I came to know what computer science essentially was ...

Feel free to play around with my revision if you feel you can improve it :-) You can also use my revision in its original form if you want.

Graduate / I graduated in Electrical and Electronics in engineering. Personal Statement for UCINN. Need review. [5]

Anuj, don't make any reference to LinkedIn within your statement. Letting universities know that you are on these kinds of employment websites does not always come across positively to the reviewer as there is a question regarding the credibility of these websites. Try to rephrase that part without referring to the site. What i have below is a longer version, 200 words in total of your statement. I believe that he content and form of the essay ended improving because of the editing I did. Either use this or make it the basis of your revision. Here is my take on your statement:

I graduated with a degree in Electrical and Electronics Engineering. While i found it overwhelming to learn the various subjects covering topics from low voltage microprocessor to High power turbines , I took on a project of designing IIR filters to suppress the digital noise using MATLAB. While MATLAB was not the first high-level language I learned, this was the first time I jad used the concept of using computer programming to control the function of the electronic circuit. This project helped me develop the ability to use concepts of information technology in a pragmatic way.

Working with one of the India's biggest Information Technology firm, Infosys limited, for more than 5 years has given me the oppportunities to work on several projects under various roles with clients. Allowing me to observe them as they made informed business decisions using information technology.

My personal work experience in the area of Campaign Management and sales and marketing features in the banking domain has developed my inclination to present unstructured data to clients in order to help them analyze and solve their business problems. The role of Data analysts and Data scientists has motivated to pursue a higher education in this field.

Undergraduate / An essay regarding admissions at Caltech for undergraduates [3]

Tendor, in order to complete your story, don't just tell us the result of your actions and choices. In order to accurately show us how your embodiment of the Caltech Honor Code paid off for for you in this statement, you should also indicate the kinds of grades that your classmates got from the teachers. I am sure that they were graded fairly as well for their "efforts' and that you came out on top in this case. So drive that point home through a presentation of the repercussions for your friends and classmates. Aside from that, I have some grammar considerations for you as well:

During my high school senior years SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, our school held a science exhibition in which . w We were told that we would be given grades based on the models we displayed.

Scared of losing marks POINTS,
These models were relatively too good for a student of our standard LEARNING AND ABILITIES.
my friends knew nothing about their modelS apart from its function.

Seeing their models, I FOUND MYSELF WANTING TO EMULATE THEM BY BUYING also wanted to buy one FOR MY PROJECT. But, HOWEVER, my teachers words echoed in my mind 'a project reflecting what YOU have learnt LEARNED'. I sat down and started 'reflecting' about ON WHAT i HAD LEARNED FROM my classes.

I knew all everything I had to know.

The DAY OF THE expo came. I was scared to present my model because of its simplicity, but I displayed PRESENTED it nonetheless. When THE teachers walked around asking questions regarding our THE models, most of the friends were left speechless UNABLE TO RESPOND SINCE THEY DID NOT ACTUALLY BUILD THEIR MODELS. However, I confidently answered those THE queries asked of me. When the marks GRADES were reported, I had aced THE EXHIBIT PRESENTATIION while my friends were left dumbfounded GOT LOWER GRADES, INDICATING THE GRADE THEY DESERVED FOR A PROJECT THEY DID NOT WORK ON THEMSELVES..

Writing Feedback / Some of the methods used in advertising are unethical and unacceptable in today's society. [4]

The main weakness of this essay is the lack of your personal opinion, or indication of your personal opinion within your essay. I believe that this is your first attempt at writing an exam essay right? I am sure you will improve over time and with practice. Don't worry about the problems you have at the moment, we will make sure to help you get better with your essay writing and development in the future :-)

Undergraduate / 'being a violinist' - Personal Statement about my experience in orchestra [2]

Anna, as I read this essay, the first question that comes to my mind is "Are you a music major?" If so, what is the message that you really want to deliver in the personal statement? What university are you applying to? Has the university provided you with a topic statement for the personal essay?

You have written an involving essay that takes the reader deep into your psyche as a member of an orchestra and yet, I have no idea of what kind of journey you are trying to take me on. Why have you written the essay this way? What is the purpose behind it? What I am trying to say is that in order to properly tell if this is an effective personal statement, we need to know your background relating to what your course major is, what university you are applying to, and (if possible) what the requirements of the personal statement are.

This is a well developed and presented essay. However, I have some concerns that leave me wondering if the essay is applicable to the instances I previously mentioned. Can you offer some clarifications so that we can better review your statement?

Writing Feedback / The figure give information about smoking habits of the UK population by age. (Writing Task 1 IELTS) [10]

Rere, due to time constraints, you will be lucky to be able to write 5 paragraph essay during the test. The eaminees normally write anywhere from 3-4 paragraphs so that they can leave some time during the test to proof read and revise their response (if necessary). The rule of thumb normally is that 3 paragraphs are acceptable, 4 paragraphs means the essay could be very well written, and 5 paragraphs means the essay is well developed. So the number of paragraphs and sentences per paragraph (no less than 3) depends upon what you are comfortable writing.

There are quite a number of IELTS Writing Task 1 essays posted here. You can read those and learn from the mistakes and advice given to the other students. The concerns you have are normally similar. You will notice that the word "overall" comes as part of the report summary / introduction paragraph. Basically, the strength of your Task 1 writing lies in the way you construct your introduction / summary overview. The rest of the essay is just a restatement of the information provided in the graph with your analysis of the percentages or graphs provided.

Undergraduate / "My Youtube Community Channel" - University of Michigan Supplement essay #1 [7]

Hi David, I have a suggestion as to how you can better improve your statement in 178 words:

When I first uploaded YouTube videos of me creating banner arts ...

So your options right now will be to either use the above as a basis for your next revision, or submit this version of your response with your application packet. The choice is yours :-)

Undergraduate / "Manufacturing is more than just putting parts together..." SOP Engineering for undergraduate [2]

Abhay, we can probably make this a generic essay once you learn what the true purpose of your interest in higher studies actually is. Right now, you are just rattling off the academic interests that you pursued, but the reason for the pursuit is not clear. When you say "my dreams of helping and working towards the welfare of the society " , that cannot really be considered an actual purpose for your interest in masters studies in engineering.

In fact, I would advise you not to try and submit the same essay to every university you apply to. You will always have to change some parts of the SOP depending upon the demands of the university of their masters degree applicants. While you can retain about 75 % of the original essay, you need to tailor at least 25 % of the essay to highlight the opportunities at the university you are applying to.

Try to revise this essay by presenting the purpose for your application and its relevance to your professional life. All of those factors combine to create a clear picture of what your reasons for reaching for higher academic training truly is.

Graduate / Research on geophysics what explores fascination about the earth and planetary science [17]

Mohammad, which of the following are you trying to write:

1. Personal Statement
2. Statement of Purpose
3. Letter of Motivation

I see influences of all 3 types of graduate school essay themes so I need you to be very specific about which of the 3 formats you are thinking of writing at this point. We will direct the essay content based upon the kind of essay you really want to write by making it specific and tailor made for the specification of that prompt.

At this point, I can tell you that the essay does not contain enough information to pass as any of the above essays because it does have any direction nor proper conclusion. Only when you pick the kind of essay you need to write of the 3, will we be able to properly develop the essay.

Undergraduate / Craving for Computer Science - Georgia Tech Essay [11]

Logesh, while your answer is quite complete and offers information regarding the influences that have led you to opt for computer science as a career, I feel like the answer you provided is a bit "generic" in content and feel. I don't really get a sense of a deeper connection between you and your chosen major. Somehow, the interest still seems shallow and the response, almost formulaic. Maybe it is because I perceive the question to be asking you about something outside of the box and you gave an inside the box answer to the prompt.

I believe that you should be going out on a limb in this instance. Get vivid with your imagination, almost "Tron or Tron: The Legacy" (the movies) like in approach. What interests you about this program of study? Look way beyond what computers are capable of doing now. Think about a future where computers interact with people in a seamless manner. go beyond 3D, driverless cars, Google Glass, and Oculus, what is the next step in computers and computer technology? imagine how that can be made into a reality. Then respond to the essay prompt.

What attracts you the most to this line of study should be the potential to change the world or the way we interact with computers. Let Georgia Tech know that you are a visionary with lofty dreams and ambitions regarding computers and the digitized world. That is what should be attracting you towards this major. Talk of the programs you already know how to use, how you use it, and what these can do are not really impressive answers. Talking about how you can change the world after you graduate with this degree, that is impressive.

The prompt allows you to get creative with your response. Don't waste the opportunity. Develop the personality of a Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg within 2000 characters. Impress them with who you know you can become in the future because that is main reason for your interest in this field of study :-)

Writing Feedback / ALLOCATING UNIVERSITY DEGREE TO EDUCATION JOB OR GIVING PEOPLE GENERAL KNOWLEDGE ABOUT IT [3]

Anna, while I can follow your line of reasoning and I can accept is as academically sound, I have a problem with the way you are discussing the essay. It does not seem to be discussing the topic from a clear and thorough position of understanding. In my opinion, the strongest way to discuss this topic would have been to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of simply having an education or having just vocational training. You see, both have strengths and weaknesses that would have allowed you to agree with the statement that vocational training should be considered as a part of college education or as a separate kind of college education.

This again, just my opinion but the essay would have worked better if you had said that college education and vocational education both have their benefits in terms of educating a person who yes, I agree that attention should also be paid to vocational studies in college. For 2 reasons; college prepares you to go to work in the professional workforce, usually working for other people, with mostly theoretical knowledge. While vocational studies prepares a person to come into the workforce as a professional who works for himself because he knows a skill that people demand services for. Hence my agreement with the thought that more people should be educated using vocational training.

When you write an agree or disagree statement, always make sure that you weigh the options of both discussions, represent both sides in the essay, and then discuss your point of view in, most likely, the third to the last paragraph. That way the line of reasoning you present will be supported by previous arguments.

Arguing an essay in such a manner will ensure that your English comprehension skills are highlighted and your analytical thoughts, in terms of English representation, come across as sound and acceptable. When you argue just the side you support, your argument weakens as you inform the reader of only one aspect of the discussion when the essay has already clued you in on the fact that you should discuss 2 sides.

Undergraduate / I want to play quidditch at UChicago [2]

Jeremy, although I know that there are actually some clubs that play a modified game of Quidditch on campus and other venues, I am not sure that discussing that interest in terms of UChicago really works. My apprehension stems from you seemingly assuming that you can play the game on campus with the support of the community and university administration. I was wondering if you could not approach it differently instead?

Since the prompt asks you to discuss the kind of student community that the university offers in relation to your learning, why not present the game as a continuation of your educational quest instead? Does the game somehow relate to your chosen major? Maybe you can discuss it as a form of interaction among students of the same major wherein the game can serve not only as a way to relax, but also another way to learn, similar in some ways to the teaching method that The Core offers? It could be the way that you envision your future education, which is the last specification of the prompt.

Honestly, this is a very engaging response. It is imaginative and is presented in a way that uniquely presents your response. You have done well with this essay. It just needs some adjustment in my opinion :-)

Undergraduate / Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University? (Maximum: 250 words) [2]

Hui, don't open the statement with a reference to how your high school failed to deliver on the extra curricular and other activities as far as you were concerned. That is not really of interest to the reviewer. Instead, I would suggest that you open the statement by saying:

At Syracuse, I see myself writing for the student editorial, The Daily Orange, and also running with the Syracuse Track and Field Team.

That will immediately tell the reviewer your response to the prompt. From that point, you can then explain how your high school failed to provide the kind of academic and extra curricular motivation that you desired during that time in your life. Basically, I believe that your essay will work much better if you just switch the paragraphs around and instead make it:

I dream of being able to express myself in ways most true to myself. At Syracuse, I see myself writing for the student editorial, The Daily Orange, and also running with the Syracuse Track and Field Team. Unfortunately, I was not offered many options for extracurricular activities in high school. I innately believed that coming to high school would nurture my infatuation with journalism, as well as my devotion to track and field. I realized that what I was passionate about or interested in what was not offered through the school, so it was particularly difficult to fill in the void of idleness. I hope to fill that void at Syracuse University. Whether it will be my studies in Marketing or just watching one of Syracuse's many basketball games, I believe that Syracuse can do what my high school could not, to help grow my interests.

You can use the above edited version either as a template for your new response or for submission with your application. Whichever way you want to do it is fine with me :-)

Graduate / *The Monday That Changed My Life* Personal statement for MPH program [15]

Shristi, I edited the essay by removing whole paragraphs that did not really resonate with the needs of your personal statement. So the essay became shorter, although I am not sure if it falls within you required word limit at 731 words. Do we still have time to edit it down if need be? Anyway, here is what I came up with in order to shorten, tighten, and smooth out the content of your essay:

It was an unforgettable day during my internship when I realized that Public Health was not just my interest, but my calling. Although I had a vague idea of a career in health promotion, meeting Lal, my first refugee client at the International Rescue Committee (IRC), a humanitarian aid organization, blossomed my idea into a firm desire to become a public health advocate. I saw an opportunity to improve health equity by addressing the barriers that cause health disparities in vulnerable communities such as refugees, displaced persons and victims of human trafficking.

It was Monday, and the Health Team at IRC had walk-in hours for individuals who needed assistance.When I sat down with Lal in my cubicle in the darkest corner of the office, little did I know that I was about to begin one of the first emotionally intense and empowering conversations of my career. Lal was a Bhutanese refugee who had spent almost 20 years in the refugee camps of Nepal. A week ago, the IRC had resettled him in the U.S. My role as a Public Health Intern was to support and assist refugees in navigating the intricacies of healthcare and other social services as they walked their road to self-sufficiency and assimilation into a new culture. I introduced myself to Lal with my biggest smile and greeting in Nepali: "Namaste."

As Lal began telling me his story, our conversation lapsed into Nepali. Using a shared language, I could feel him become more comfortable, both from the familiarity of the language and for that little shared background between us. It reminded me of my own struggles as a young woman in America. Looking back at that moment intensifies my desire to study at the famed Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health.

"I am ready for a new journey," said Lal as I was shuffling through papers to explain Medicaid to him. Amazed by his resilience and determination, I sat still with tears in my eyes, feeling immense gratitude for this encounter. Meeting Lal, experiencing his indomitable perseverance, and discovering how organizations like IRC could help immigrants like him proved to be a turning point in my career and life.

This internship not only helped me grow as a person, but also as a student. Prior to the internship, I lacked a concrete sense of direction for post-graduation and felt unmotivated to perform well in my classes which reflected through my poor grades. Working with Lal and refugees like him exposed me to the gaps in the healthcare system. For the first time, I realized that something that seemed rudimentary to me such as scheduling a primary care appointment could be a challenge to someone such as Lal who had never had a physical exam in his entire life.

Seeing how health literacy could help someone advocate for their own health care rights opened my eyes to the field of Global and Community Health. My curiosity to learn about public health and health equality brought a renewed sense of dedication to my final two years of college.

My determination to learn did not end with academics. Along with full-time college, internship in the Bhutanese Community program and volunteering with the Health Team at IRC, I also participated at non-profit organizations such as Domestic Violence Resource Project as a Bilingual Advocate for survivors of domestic abuse. Being able to support and advocate for individuals who have battled with abuse and control for years taught me to become compassionate, non-judgemental and resourceful. Furthermore, I learned about racial and ethnic disparities in health care as a Health Promoter at Asian American Health Initiative, which validated my passion for public health education, awareness and advocacy in the underserved communities. Upon graduation, I received an Undergraduate Community Health Service Award for my contributions toward building a healthier community.

As a Masters candidate at JHU, the concentration "Health in Crisis and Humanitarian Assistance" will equip me with competencies that would allow me to pursue my goal of advocating for individuals such as Lal so they do not get lost in the chaos of conflict or stymied by systemic barriers everywhere. Courses such as "Refugee Health Care" will help me understand the health journey of refugees. "Project Development for Primary Health Care in Developing Countries" will give me insight into the health care systems in developing countries and prepare me to support vulnerable communities effectively.

Writing Feedback / The figure give information about smoking habits of the UK population by age. (Writing Task 1 IELTS) [10]

Rere, the most basic format for an essay is that it contains at least 3 sentences per paragraph. The reason behind that is that in exams such as the IELTS and TOEFL, the exam taker is expected to prove his complete and total grasp of the English language. This is done through a clear representation of, in the case of IELTS takers, the picture, chart, or graph image provided. A complete summary overview includes an introduction to the discussion (one line), the evidence presented and years covered (one line), and the point of discussion or comparison in the essay (one line). Hence the three line minimum for the introductory sentence.

As for the conclusion, it also requires a minimum 3 sentence content because you are supposed to restate the discussion, offer your understanding of the information once again, and then close the essay. That is the standard format for all essays. However, if you wish to do just a single line sentence, then that is your prerogative.

By the way, a "phrase" is an incomplete sentence. So you did not write a "phrase" you wrote incomplete paragraphs. There is a big difference between the two :-)

Graduate / [Motivation Letter] Entrance to Management of Technology Delft [2]

Hasan, you need to adjust the content of your essay. It does not properly respond to the stated instructions. Most specially, it does not offer the information regarding your thesis project at the school should you accepted. You should have spent a major amount of the essay space discussing exactly that instead of discussing irrelevant topics such as your final assignment.

Revise the total essay. Read the instructions. Make sure that you provide only the answers to the required information. Right now, your work experience is not important, that is why it is not being asked for in the essay. What you have to be prepared to do in this essay is delve into the important details of your final assignment or thesis in your bachelor's program. Since is requires 250 words, that is already a whole essay page. So you need to make sure that you describe it in the best way that you can.

The first part of the essay needs to only explain why you are interested in enrolling at TU Delft and your specializations. Don't waste your time creating such a detailed background for yourself pertaining to your previous studies. Just stick to the expected information as outlined by the prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Government's Subsidy For Education And Healthcare [2]

Ani, this is an essay that was made strong by your use of logic and real world examples. In your introduction, prior to your mentioning your personal opinion, you should first air the opinion of the side that says the government should not fund free education and healthcare before you air your opinion.

There is a lack of balance in your discussion though because of the way that you only concentrated on how the government needs to concentrate on building infrastructure. If you were to truly discuss this essay in a balanced and well informed manner, you would have approached it from a compare and contrast point of view. After all, you could have both agreed and disagreed with the statement to a certain extent only. Doing so would have shown that you took some time to analyze both sides of the discussion before creating your opinion of the matter.

Keep in mind that free healthcare and education is the dream of all nations in the world and those who can make it happen, become the envy of others. Health and education are the two key paths towards a good life. So why is it wrong for the government to offer those for free if they can afford to?

A balanced essay discussion for this sort of topic is better than the one sided discussion that you have now. Try to do that next time you write an agree or disagree to a certain extent essay :-)

Undergraduate / "Onni Annyeong!" Participating in Model United Nations and being a Korean teacher in Thailand [9]

I thought you understood me when I first told you that you do not need the last 2 paragraphs of your essay anymore. It should not be included because you are trying to justify your reasons for wanting to enroll in this particular university, which is not required by the prompt. Just provide the information that the prompt is asking for and nothing more. The reason that your essay is over the word count is because of the inclusion of your plea for admission. So just remove that part and your essay will meet the word count.

Remember, you have to remove all the sentences that are part of the following paragraph:

I want to go to developing countries to nurture children there so that the country can develop itself.

Also remove the paragraph that says :

I believe ** ** * * University is the best place that fits into my future career in both experiences and motivation

That should fix the problem immediately.

Undergraduate / "Onni Annyeong!" Participating in Model United Nations and being a Korean teacher in Thailand [9]

Here are the corrections I applied to parts of your essay. Please note that I deleted the last part talking about your desire to study at the university because that is a paragraph that does not really relate to the prompt requirements. Always make sure to just deliver what is asked for and nothing more so that the attention of the reviewer is not diverted from your actual response.

I came to northern Thailand six years ago due to the influence of my parents who passed onto me the importance of experiencing a diverse culture. Getting on the airplane that day was a turning point in my life. It was an adventure that found me gaining an interest in sharing different cultures with people ...

After that trip, I decided that I wanted to continue expanding my horizons along the lines of diverse relationships on an international level. So I participated in the Model United Nations. last year. Finding efficient ways to support developing countries was one of the topics. The reality of Thailand - their pitiful problem regarding relatively weak people's rights - ran through my mind.

Most delegates presented material related to supporting causes such as food or financial aid ... However, as I learned from that rural province in Thailand, countries will not be strong for long if we simply give them fish... So I thought of providing them with the tools for self-development, since that is more important than giving temporary support. As the delegate from Laos, I promised to offer programs that nurtured proper schools and teachers for young children. Other delegates applauded me as they realized that limited their point of view with regards to their cases and they did not think further. My opinion was written on the first list of the resolution.

... my experience with the Model United Nations, I began to look at them from a different perspective.

Curious children ask me about the meaning of Korean words written by them on a crumpled yellowish paper... So, I decided to teach Korean to them ain order to help them deal with a global world. Although it was once a week, I assured myself that the lessons will definitely be helpful.

...

... the class was revitalized with enthusiastic participation and soon after, the children possessed an amazing skill when it came to communicating through simple conversations with native Koreans. As the students wanted to show their ability to their parents , we prepared a small show. The adults were surprised at seeing them singing K-pop and reciting Korean poetry.

I know that I learned more from them than they learned from me. So I began teaching with even more dedication because I really wanted to repay their gratitude. By volunteering, I earned the ability to listen carefully and learned that a little consideration enables people to lead and teach other people. .. Model United Nations as a Secretary General was a rather worthwhile experience for me.

Participating in Model United Nations and being a Korean teacher gave me the opportunity to realize that ...

Undergraduate / "Onni Annyeong!" Participating in Model United Nations and being a Korean teacher in Thailand [9]

Minjung, the essay that you wrote does not fall under the prompt that requires you to:

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

Rather, you have written an essay that responds to the following prompt instead:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

My suggestion in this case is that you change the prompt for your common app essay rather than writing a totally new one. That way, we only have to concentrate on finalizing the content, grammar, and spelling of the essay. Please let me know if you would like to just switch the prompt or if you want to write a totally new one. I'll work with you either way :-)

Graduate / Professional Experience for Personal Statement in Engineering Project Management Lancaster Univ [3]

Drey, just because the personal statement said you have to submit a minimum of 100 words does not mean that you need to submit all of the information that you did at the start of this essay. They already provided you with the guide questions to help you present only the most relevant and important information in the essay. That is the part that needs to be at least 100 words long.

From the looks of it, if you start the essay at the point where you state:

I believe the Engineering Project Management Program in Lancaster University would be best for a passionate candidate like me who seeking for future career development in construction industry...

Then end with the following paragraph:

My previous professional experience will be the complement for the theory taught in every module...

You will already have 347 words to completely answer the prompt. In all honesty, that is the only part of the essay that is relevant and delivers all of the prompt requirements. So that is all you have to present to the reviewer in the end. Therefore, that is the only part that we have to work on. If you can work on revising that specific part to better enhance the content in response to the prompt questions, I can help you better thresh out the content. I look forward to reading your revision :-)

Writing Feedback / Some persons claim that competition sense among children is important and need to be strenghtened [3]

Afsar, are you writing this essay in relation to an English exam you will be taking? Kindly indicate which exam it will be so that we will know how to assess your work. Regardless of whether you are taking a test or taking a class, it would really have helped us in assessing your essay if you presented the prompt for it before you submitted your essay. We need the question so that we can judge if your essay meets the prompt requirements.

The essay does not really follow the correct format for essay writing as the paragraphs are stuck one after another and the thoughts remain under developed. The line of reasoning is weak because you do not really take the time to thoroughly explain your ideas within the paragraphs. Also, by default, when writing in English, the gender becomes male so there is really no need to use a slash to indicate both genders. Saying "he" is more than sufficient to explain what you mean.

You need to learn to differentiate the essay from the introduction, body of the essay, and your conclusion. That is done through proper paragraph spacing and separation. Now for the rest of your essay:

Today, I want to describe the thinking of A few persons PEOPLE that THE SENSE OF competition sense has an importance in IS IMPORTANT TO children, so it must be encouraged. On the other hand, compete COMPETITION does not take any space rather than co-operation to become useful human AND PROMOTES COOPERATION BETWEEN PEOPLE. Like others, these two differences have also advantages and disadvantages, which I will explain here simultaneously

.
Nowadays competition is every wherein the Globe . Everyone wants a profitable value in their life. So it's better to start thinking PROMOTING about competition in children from their school. So, he/she always competeS WITH to others till become a nice human HE DEVELOPS A NICE PERSONALITY SUCH AS BEING HELPFUL. , who always help to others. Maybe he/she DID not achieve their HIS goals in a smoothly way but every person reminds him as TO BE a helpful adult.

Despite from all OF THESE, if a child always thinks ABOUT competition, then he/she WILL always think the wrong IN THE negative. At the every step of life, he/she cannot achieve their HIS targets on time. The child has to sacrifices many things regarding this matter.

In my conclusion, no doubt there must be a sense of competition in children but THE most important thing is cooperation. I think don't get success after putting feet on the other's shoulder. Always co-operate and help to others, so that people will always remind you in beautiful words. Although this is very difficult to survive with cooperation COOPERATE WITH OTHERS, especially nowadays, but as a useful adult/human, we have to do this IN ORDER TO BECOME GOOD PEOPLE.

Writing Feedback / Why people choose to go to a college or university more than the past time? [5]

Rosa, the strength of your essay lies in the way that you were able to refer to your personal experience in order to make your point. Using either a personal or second hand knowledge of the experience of another person is always a plus when writing an opinion essay. So that piece of writing on your part just increased your chance at a good score. It shows a clear understanding and ability to explain your thoughts in English. Now for the weakness of your essay. While your understanding of the prompt helped propel this essay to an average level, the way that your thoughts seem to get confused at times creates a problem regarding understanding in this essay. the confusion comes from the way you develop the sentences so if you want to correct that problem, learn to double check your essay before submission. If you get confused while reading your own work, then so will the examiner. Now for the actual essay:

...the number of these individuals is getting more and more every day INCREASES EVERYDAY.

First of all, going to college supports people'S future careers.
... and we have to learn about how to survive in this intricate condition.
For example, when I was a child, an THE education system was so simple.
but today every elementary teacher in school should be familiar to work with a computer TABLET that look likes a toy in current students' hands THE STUDENT'S HANDS.

... learn about the new technology and would be able to SO THAT PEOPLE CAN have a job in a modern society.

Secondly, people who have a degree from a college usually have a significant income.
a bad financial situation on individuals' AN INDIVIDUAL'S lives LIFE;
if money is not the reason of FOR happiness,
That is why people go to college . to TO get a high education and have A relatively secured lives LIFE in THE future. Everything changed as I took a college degree in COMPLETED MY MEDICAL ASSISTANT COURSE AND BECAME office assistant course because AS there were more job opportunities with a higher wage, working in a clinic and get paid 20 dollars per hour. You can see how matters[/] MUCH going to a college MATTERS in establishing your A STABLE economical life.

... keen of A DESIRE FOR learning and knowing is in A human instinct since the down of time .
I remember an incredible clip video CLIP about hypnotism last year.
it was stunning to see how comfortable was the patient WAS when her abdominal wall was cut by the surgeon.

going to college is NOW a common decision currently . Promising GAINING A job in THE future,
and THE NATURAL URGE natural urging to know are the main reasons why people choose to study in college.
more individuals will be sitting on IN college chairs because of highly advanced lifestyleS in the near future.

Undergraduate / "My Youtube Community Channel" - University of Michigan Supplement essay #1 [7]

Hi David, this is a very good start to your supplemental essay. Right now I see that you have just thrown all of your ideas in there and the development is definitely scattered. No matter, it's still a work in progress like you said. So just continue along this path and I think you will be able to come up with a very impressive supplementary response.

Take note of the way that your current paragraph has at least 3 main points to the essay response that you should use or discuss in separate paragraphs within the essay. The wya that you became a member of the community, your helping to found it, and most specially your objectives for the community need to be the highlight of the essay. So make sure to develop those areas as fully as you possibly can :-)

I look forward to reviewing your completed response soon :-)

Letters / 'Enjoying electronics' - Motivational letter for erasmus mundus master's program. [2]

Leena, in my opinion, there is only one section of this extremely long and irrelevant motivational letter that should be included in your motivational letter. It is the paragraph that is currently your closing statement. The whole section that starts with:

My interest in applying to EMARO scholarship raised when I researched and found out that Europe is a pioneer of several Electronics and robotic companies...

When you apply for a scholarship like this, most specially since you already have a masters degree that the same scholarship already sponsored, you need to come up with some pretty solid and convincing reasons for them to give you a second one. Remember, you have to be pretty exceptional in your CURRENT profession in order to make them believe that a second masters degree will be of help with your future career objectives instead of just being a free ride to Europe.

So forget your college years. Talk about your current work position, what you have observed about it, how you think this next degree will help you enhance your chances at a better career after you complete it. How does a masters degree in Robotics relate to your career as an Electronic Assembler? Prove the connection and its importance. Sell them on the idea that sponsoring you is something that will raise the profile of the scholarship program while helping you gain a better future for yourself :-)

Undergraduate / A practicing artist - SAIC Admissions Essay [2]

Kyra, your paper is currently too theoretical in content, with the barest reference to you as a person in relation to your art. I take it that you are writing the Artist Statement for your application which is why you have written this way. Your writing needs to reflect a bit more of your art in relation to your personality so that you can offer a better idea as to who you are as an artist and how other people perceive your art.

Discussing your participation in various exhibits and art shows provides the needed information regarding the extent of your artistic growth. If you can add some reference to the comments of the patrons to your images, you will be able to enhance your statement because those comments will prove that your concepts resonate and are easily understood by the masses. Thus making your pictures more than just a piece of art, it becomes an artistic statement :-)

Overall, the paper has an excellent start. We just need to revise some of the content in order to better deliver the demands of the reviewers. By the way, the reference to Max Friedlander isn't really necessary. The more informative reference was the one you made to Van Gogh because of the similarities between your artistic styles. Please consider developing that reference more by removing the reference to Max Friedlander,.

Undergraduate / Heavy pile of books instead of a kindle - College of William and Mary admission essay [2]

Well Mikhail, your essay is certainly right up the avenue that the admissions video suggests you take. It has the feel of reading a blog and the sharing that may be found on a MySpace page. You've given the admissions committee an insight into the kind of person who you are. However, the last part of the instruction, that of giving them an insight as to who you will become, seems to have gotten lost in the ease of your writing :-)

So we know why you enjoy reading paperbacks, how paper was a part of your life growing up, and the inspiration that you derive from its mere existence. So, how does your interest in paper directly influence your future? Okay, we know that you don't want paper to completely disappear from use in the future. Enough of the reference to paper. Paper is not the applicant for college here :-) You need to show more about how paper will still be a significant part who you see yourself becoming in the future.

For example, will this desire to promote the use of paper lead you to become an anti-environmentalist since they want to preserve the trees that are cut down to make paper? Maybe you will become a purist novelist in the sense that you will refuse to release your books in e-format? Or you will become an architect who will refuse to use Autocad or any software program that won't allow you to feel the paper while you draw your building concepts? I know too many questions.

Those are the questions that, if you can provide an answer for, will add personality to your writing and create a vision of the future you in the eyes of the admissions committee. Your current essay is alright. But it is nothing but a bunch of introductions at this point. Imagine 500 words of pure introduction. It won't help your application. So introduce your love for paper in half the paper, then recreate your personality in connection to paper in the last part. That way, even though you won't fit your personality into 500 words, you will still be able to give them enough information to create an idea of who you are in their mind :-)

Undergraduate / In addition to the generally known facts, what fascinates you the most in Georgia Tech? [4]

Hi Jehad, I think that you should only discuss the real reasons that you are drawn to Georgia Tech. From the way I read your essay, the reason that you are fascinated with the university are its Invention Studio and the BS/MS program they offer. These are the truly unique aspects of a Georgia Tech education that truly fascinates you.

So, rather than just discussing general information in your statement to meet the word count, get down to specifics instead. Explain the deeper reasons why you are fascinated by the Invention Studio. Tell the reviewer how it aligns with your plans of study. Create the impression that you actually did your homework far beyond the basic information available on the website and student flyers.

Use the second half of the statement to explain why you feel that the BS/MS acceleration program is something that sets the university apart from the others and makes it extremely special in your eyes. Again, you need to connect your interests with this program. If you can show the reviewer that you have a specific academic path ahead of you that will further enhance the "uniqueness" and increase the public "fascination" with their university, then your statement will be able to make the needed impression upon the reviewer.

Letters / Absorbing breadth of knowledge to fulfil my background - motivation letter for Holland Scholarship [6]

Hi Charlotte, I was wondering if you would mind if I commented on the content of your letter? You see, I don't feel that it is as strong as it can be because it does not really showcase your strengths as a student and as a professional. The idea behind a scholarship motivation letter is to convince the scholarship committee that you are a good candidate for free studies based upon your skills and abilities as a student and as a professional. That said, you don't really have to go all the way back to your childhood to discuss your art.

Present your art in terms of the reasons why you chose to develop your talent as a career instead of a hobby. Where do you see yourself in the future if you continue to follow this path? Consider the reasons why you believe that they should back your studies. Mention any awards or notable mentions of your art work from your college days, exhibits, and similar activities. That information will help enhance your application and give you a chance to compete with the other scholarship applicants on a level playing field.

The story of your mother being a single parent does not really have a direct connection with your achievements as an artist, nor does it have a relation to this current application. Instead of that, you should be discussing how you plan to use the scholarship to pursue your professional interests and how you can give back or support the same scholarship program in the future. Keep in mind that scholarships are not given away and your financial backstory from when you were a child doesn't matter. Instead, talk about how your current financial situation is keeping you from achieving further professional accomplishments. Then detail where you see yourself after graduating. You already represented a part of that in your original essay. You just need to build upon it.

Sell the reviewer on the idea that it will be a loss to the scholarship if they do not help fund your masters degree education. Revise the essay to promote your art skills better. Your Center for Chinese Studies experience does not really relate to your masters degree it seems so you can skip that part and offer the space for more related discussions.

Letters / Facebook a "toxic addiction" a persuasive letter. [2]

Riaz, since I don't have a copy of the article by Ms. Street-Porter to refer to in the overall review of your letter, I can't really make a clear judgement regarding the way that you approached the article contents. However, I can make a comment about the way that your discussion progressed in the letter. You seem to be torn between discussing two themes in the letter which has caused a point of confusion and a letter that lacks focus in terms of discussion.

You have to pick a side. Either you discuss Facebook as being a point of addiction, or, Facebook as a cause of crime against children. The addiction to Facebook has a totally different set of discussion topics than the criminal promotion aspect. So in this case, the letter suffers from an identity crisis as it tries to discuss two themes that are based on different facts. My opinion, is that you should just concentrate your letter to the editor on the criminal aspect of Facebook since most of the letter deals with the rape of a minor and how it occurred. That way, you bring the essay theme into focus and use the letter to strongly oppose a single point rather than lessening the impact by discussing two points in halves within the letter.

Writing Feedback / International experience and more precious opportunity. Statement of Purpose For Enrollment at KAUST [4]

Hi Ani, I believe that this essay already has all the elements that make it a very good statement of purpose. All of the criteria have been represented and thoroughly discussed. Try to review the essay one more time before submission in case you forgot to mention something important. From my point of view, you have accomplished what you have set out to do. That is, you have presented the best credentials that you have to bolster your application.

While the essay runs a bit longer than normally expected, I can understand that there are certain points that you don't want to leave out because you believe it will enhance your application. So I will leave those parts in as a courtesy to you. I am also sure that the reviewer will see its relevance once he considers the overall content of your statement. Don't worry anymore at this point. The essay is ready for submission and consideration. I am sure it is strong enough to make you a contender for acceptance into the program.

Good luck with your application ! Let us know how it goes for you :-) We wish you the best.

Graduate / SOP: Member of engineering team of raw material handling & storage division of blast furnace project [3]

Andrey, there is a clear disconnection between your opening paragraph and the rest of your essay. You need to connect the plans of your government under the "Master Plan for Acceleration and Expansion of the Country's Economic Development" connects or has inspired you to pursue higher studies in "Project Management". Regardless of whether I read University A or University B, I do not see any connection. Clarify the motivation and relationship that the two have with your ambition for higher studies.

Do not use a quote at the very end of your essay. That always goes at the very top. Placing the quote at the end does not make sense. The quote is usually used to signify your inspiration for higher studies or your understanding of the reason why people aspire for a certain higher career. In my opinion, quotes are not really necessary in these instances as most students have a difficult time connecting the quotes with their statements.

Another piece of important advice. Make our job of reviewing your essay easier by presenting complete essays for university A and then University B. In fact, you should be presenting them as separate threads because these will be submitted to different schools. The way you have your essay set up for review at the moment makes it very hard to follow the flow of discussion that you are trying to create. It is hard to piece together your essay because of the way you have it set up. We only read parts of each essay, making it impossible to get a full picture of what you are trying to say. So present University A completely, then University B completely as well. Then it will be easier to review your essay.

Writing Feedback / We can not function without doctors because they are more important than inventors.. A/D? [3]

Nowadays, in modern eraIn our modern era IN OUR MODERN ERA, there are a lot of useful inventions in order to that make make people's lives easier than in the past. However, several people believe that doctors are more important than inventors so as to reach BECAUSE PEOPLE NEED TO LEAD A healthy life. I would argue from both point of view THAT BOTH POINTS OF VIEW ARE CORRECT.

People who live in sophisticated THIS era will understand that inventors are absolutely important for IN people's life LIVES (PLURAL FORM) because they find many inventions which are obviously useful in lots of sectors such as medical, construction, sport, and many others. For example, Thomas Alfa ALBA Edison, the person who found the lamp WHO INVENTED THE LIGHT BULB, proveD that everyone in this planet needs lamp TO EVERYONE THAT ACCESS TO LIGHT IN THE DARK OR AT NIGHT IS JUST AS IMPORTANT IN OUR LIVES AS A DOCTOR IS TO CURE OUR ILLNESSES. for their life including a doctor. IN FACT, THE DOCTOR NEEDS THE LIGH BULB IN THE EXAMINATION LAMP IN ORDER TO TREAT HIS PATIENTS. IT HELPS HIM SEE THE PROBLEM OF THE PATIENT. He needs lamp in order to help their job when they treat their patient or in surgery process. As a result, inventors are also essential for them.

However, several people argue that inventors are not as important as doctors because they DO NOT help people directly IN TERMS OF THEIR PHYSICAL REQUIREMENTS WHILE DOCTORS TREAT THE PHYSICAL NEEDS OF THE PATIENT. and medicine . In addition, doctors's DOCTOR services are more essential for them because they safe SAVE many life LIVES and treat people who have diseases. Furthermore, nowadays, there are some doctors who are willing to work voluntary while inventors are not which means that people must buy their inventions by their own money. FURTHERMORE, SOME DOCTORS TREAT PATIENTS FOR FREE IN THEIR CAPACITY AS VOLUNTEERS WHILE INVENTORS ALWAYS SELL THEIR PRODUCTS. Hence, doctors are extremely neccessary and important for human life.

To sum up, it is clear to me that although doctors are essential for THE EXISTENCE OF human life, I believe that inventors are substantial as well. Besides, in my opinion, THEREFORE, both of them should work together to make peole's lives better than now PEOPLE'S LIVES EVEN BETTER.

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You need to work on creating a clear line of thought, using plural forms, and using proper terms for words. Make sure, while doing your practice tests, that you run your spell checker in order to make sure that you do not make any spelling or punctuation mistakes. Those problems seem to exist as lot in this current essay of yours.

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Graduate / Thirty-one years old studying mother. Personal Statement Ohio University Family Nurse Practitioner [3]

Amanda, this personal statement does not work at all. It seems that you wrote it in a rush and did not really give much thought to the content of the statement that could help the reviewer see a personal, caring side to you that would work well with the Practical Nurse occupation. You can't just write a single paragraph string of sentences and hope that it makes sense. A personal statement is exactly that, personal. I did not feel any connection between you, being an RN, and the possibility that you would do well as a PN. However, there are things that you can do to better present your personal statement.

First of all, you need to do some self-reflection and consider the personal reasons that you have which led you to become an RN and how this logically led you to the decision to pursue a higher level position as a PN. Talk about your experience as an RN and the way that you saw PN's on the floor helping the patients. Explain how that affected you personally and led you to this life changing consideration.

Second, look at your family life. Having kids and a deployed husband, how does being a PN fit into your family context? That is the most personal level of connection to a future career that you can have and it is also something that will impress the reviewer. Show a connection between your mother instincts and how it helped you realize your calling as a PN.

Finally, talk about how becoming a PN will help you better yourself as a person, mother, and professional. Discuss how you see your character traits evolving once you become a PN. These are the types of discussions that will help make your personal statement a serious and information filled statement.

Graduate / *The Monday That Changed My Life* Personal statement for MPH program [15]

Let's start at the end and work our way to the beginning. Working in reverse should help you better understand the reasons behind the revisions to your essay that I will be suggesting :-) I know, this isn't easy to write because a personal statement is so open topic that one will tend to write a novel if given a chance. We will try to avoid doing that.

To start with, your conclusion is better suited for the end of your statement of purpose. Your concluding paragraph in a personal statement should instead just indicate that you are more than prepared for the challenges that lie ahead for you due to your character and student traits. The best way to close the essay would be using the following lines:

I yearn for the learning experience where I can improve my critical thinking skills and academic knowledge on Public Health. I recognize that MPH at JHU will require relentless effort and dedication, which I promise to deliver. I see the Johns Hopkins University Masters in Public Health program as a valuable next step in my personal and professional growth.

The additional statement you wrote seems to be more useful and insightful than the previous paragraphs you wrote. I would have to see it merged with the rest of the essay in order to better asses if it actually works with the previous statements made. If it doesn't. I'll help you make it work :-)

Now, about your bad GRE grades, write a paragraph about it in the essay. Let's see if it will help the essay or not. Basically, I need you to write a totally new essay with these elements that you mentioned and then, we can get together and work on improving it so that you can develop your final personal statement :-) Would that work for you?

Undergraduate / Who I am, what I want to become and why the admissions office should choose me. NUS Supplement Essay [2]

Hoang, your essay is a bit too long and does not really offer complete answers to the prompt requirements. It feels like you wrote this essay for a different prompt and you are trying to make it fit into this one for some reason. Don't try to just reuse your old essays for different prompts. You will find that it makes your essay problematic and will require you to do more revision work than if you had just written a new essay for the new prompt. I have a suggested outline for your revision. Try to write the essay in the following manner.

1. Who am I? - I am a curous and inquisitive person who...

2. What I want to become - After having experienced what it was like to tutor kids as a member of the "Project The Route to Knowledge", I came to realize that I want to become a teacher because... (Don't tell the story of the 8 year old anymore. It is an anecdote that is not necessary and just adds to the length of the essay.)

3. Why the admissions office should choose me - y fondest wish is to study in Computer Engineering major, as to pursue my dream of becoming a computer engineer who develops the cutting edge, educational and economical technology, delivering knowledge to the inquisitive minds all over the world. (Include any accomplishments and awards you received as a student, then discuss your personal reasons for choosing NUS to conclude the essay).

These are just the starter revision points for your essay. Once you write the new essay, you will find that it better answers the prompt. You don't need more than 3 paragraphs to totally deliver the required information to the reviewer. So keep it as simple and easy to read as possible :-)

Graduate / I look forward to become a contributor at University of Melbourne - Personal Statement in Finance [3]

Hi Cheyni, it seems my word program was on the fritz when I did a copy and paste for your essay. Let me fix this up for you so there won't be any confusion :-) Since, I was already working on the edit, I decided to further revise the essay to make it sound better. Here's hoping you like what I came up with ;-)

As an ambitious candidate ...

Book Reports / Conrad's Heart of Darkness is a novel about the Dominican Republic and not on a boy/man seekin love. [5]

Hi Cameron, I did a little work on your essay. I hope you don't mind. Just a few adjustments and transition sentences here and there :-) The overall work is good. It leaves the reader with questions to ponder. However, I think the conclusion needs some work. the discussion does not seem to have closed properly at this point. In fact, it does not look like a conclusion at all but rather, a continuing discussion within the essay. Anyway, here is what I came up with for you:

Post-colonialist writing creates a more subjective view of history by providing a new perspective on colonialism and its effects though the eyes of diasporic communities, a viewpoint that is generally unheard of until recently. In addition, the European morals and values blend with indigenous traditions, creating a new and unique manifestation of post-colonial cultures. Junot Diaz's The Brief Wondrous life of Oscar Wao and Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness both serve as allegories of diaspora. Each explores the effects of European influence, which diminishes original customs of places that were colonized, through those who fall victim to diaspora and are in search of a new identity. In order to understand this subjective view of history, we, as the readers, must first understand the history of the countries and how its influence affected the authors of these works. I believe that the best way to do this is by doing a side by side comparison of the two author's works.

In the history of the Caribbean, Africa, and most of the world, diaspora has been an constant theme. The exchange of people, goods and ideas are introduced in these "uncivilized" places, thus creating a mixture of cultures and ideas. Diaz points out that a person's identity is never black and white. This coincides with Oscar Wao's idea that the hybridity of the characters' identities creates a significant understanding as to why the characters are the way they are, and how they perceive notions of home, their own identity, each other, and their past and present. As the characters grow, they struggle with figuring out how to define themselves in the world. As depicted in Diaz's novel, Lola's bruja feeling does not come from nowhere. cultural problems have a source usually deeply rooted in the misconceptions planted by colonialism, meant to help the colonizers control the "minorities".

When cultures clash, the seemingly more "powerful" culture is seen as the more valued philosophy. Looking even at today's society, it is clear that European hegemony is influential in many of parts of the world's cultures. European influence creates the perception that indigenous people and their different way of life are inferior and this opinion has an effect on the rest of society. As a result these seemingly sub-par people are oppressed by the "more civilized" ones. Throughout Conrad's novel , Marlow , a man of European descent expresses his dislike for the "God-forsaken wilderness," (pg 20) in Congo. Continuously calling the African tribe members savages because of their different way of life and their lack of "sunken cheeks, [and] a yellow complexion..." (pg 54). This emphasizes overall rejection of indigenous ways based upon physical characteristics.

Characteristics such as fairer skin and lighter colored eyes have equated having a higher place in society while being described as dark is seen as an insult. Ideal beauty is based on European standards , thus creating the colorism and racism that was prevalent in these communities and is still seen in society today. These notions have caused the oppression of minority individuals by not only imperialists, but other minorities as well. . Beli in Oscar Wao is constantly reminded of his difference from other Dominicans because of her darker skin and caused problems that 40 acres and a mule, for example, cannot fix. Although attempts to repress these cultures have been made, aspects of indigenous culture manage to be maintained.

European colonization brought beliefs such as Christianity that were imposed on indigenous communities, in order to suppress their original beliefs. However, by means of language, food, clothing, and religion the indigenous culture is able to keep many of its superstitions alive. This is exemplified in the novel by Yunior's explanation regarding the unfortunate events that are experienced by the Cabaral-de Leon family. Yunior blames these occurrences on fuku, Dominican voodoo. Thus showing that each culture becomes a diaspora because of the way that people blend 2 existing cultures in order to create a unique culture for their own country.

Although it is near impossible for a person to be made up of one culture, it is always simpler to categorize people or associate people with a group. There is a natural inclination to labeling Diasporas as either nobodies or as part of a nation, instead of laying claim to a mix of cultures. In The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao Oscar is continuously ostracized because of the hybridity of his identity;

"The white kids looked at his black skin and his Afro and treated him with inhuman cheeriness. The kids of color, upon hearing him speak and seeing him move his body, shook their heads. You're not Dominican."(pg blah blah )

He is considered too different for Americans, because of his Dominican features and his fluency in Spanish, at the same time not Dominican enough to be Dominican because of his nerdiness. Yunior compares this sentiment to being a mutant from the X-man comic book series. He is a mutant because of his special abilities and features, which makes him belong to a world that does not exist in our physical reality.

Junot Diaz highlights the effects of the second wave of Dominican diaspora when several Dominicans moved to the US to escape Trujillo's regime. Diaz's use of Spanglish throughout the novel embodies the effects of living in a community of people who are forced to leave their home country, but they try to preserve their home language. "Trujillo came to control nearly every aspect of the DR's political, cultural, social, and economic life through a potent mixture of violence, intimidation, massacre, rape, co-optation, and terror." (pg 2) The culture of oppression, terror and emasculation created a machismo society that the Dominican Republic is famous for.

Speeches / Speech Competition Introduction Only - fitting into the theme [3]

Ted, that is one tremendously long introduction for a speech. Consider your speech an essay and keep the introduction simple, concise, and interesting. Cameron is right about your work lacking a central theme. Most likely because you failed to present the central topic of your discussion towards the end of your introduction.

The introduction can be improved by a revision. Make your hook connect to the central theme. Present the topic of the speech anywhere after the first or second sentence. Then go in for a presentation of the overview of your speech. Conclude the introduction with a transition sentence into the first topic that your speech will be presenting.

Overall, you show a good ability for writing. Your thoughts tend to make the speech interesting and should really help you keep your audience attention once you read this speech aloud. Don't be afraid to shorten the speech though. Keep in mind that when a speech rambles on, the audience attention will also tend to wander. So, that said, shortening this introduction and presenting the theme immediately should set you off to a good start.

Writing Feedback / To reduce accidents number the council of Balmer Island should limit renting of mopeds; GRE argument [2]

The main problem that I see in your argument essay is that you have a hard time structuring your paragraphs to contain questions rather than statements. While you were supposed to be presenting and analyzing the possible questions that could be raised during the discussion of moped reduction, you presented responses to the questions in your mind rather than analyzing the possible question. There is also a part where you repeated phrases twice, no doubt because you are writing under time pressure. The conclusion could have been better developed if you had presented some information regarding the support that people have for the measure to reduce moped use on Balmer and then opposing it by saying the author had some good points in his report that should be considered when debating the issue. Since this is a GRE essay, try to avoid including yourself int he reference to people giving an opinion. Your job in the essay is to analyze the opinions, not give your own. You must also make sure to use the same keyword terms as in the original prompt. In this case, the word is MOPEDS NOT MOPES. As for the grammar corrections...

While it may be true that reducing the number of mopesrent on RENTABLE MOPEDS DURING THE summer seems to reduce the number of accidents on Balmer Island, but this author's argument does not make a cogent case for the decreased number of accidents on Seaville and Balmer Island. It is easy to understand that this THESE cities can have differences in THE number of population and fiscalization RENTAL RATES which differ the magnitude of the increasing of INCREASE IN accidents.

The article states that the reduction in accidents on Balmer Island would be the same of the AS THAT OF Seaville. Lets suppose that Seaville is a city larger than Balmer, people would people would ride mopes MOPEDS more frequently. Consequently AS A RESULT, the number of acicidents ACCIDENTS would increase WHEN compared with TO a smaller city where mopes MOPEDS are not used in everyday life. Besides that, lets suppose THERE IS ALSO A LACK OF ASSUMPTION REGARDING the streets and roads of Seaville. ARE THE SEAVILLE STREETS were more dangerous, with a lot of curves or streets with tiny sidewalks. ? We just do not know THOSE ARE UNKNOWN CONTRIBUTING FACTORS. Unless the two cities would have the same size and pattern of roads and streets we could CANNOT ACCURATELY say the comparison is valid and reliable.

Building up an implication ASSUMING that Balmer and Seaville Islands have the same size and well planned roads and streets, the author suggestS that the redution REDUCTION in the number of accidents in Balmer would be the same AS observed in Seaville. According the argument the , Balmer would have a reduction of 50% in the number of accidents by a decreasing in the number of mopes rent MOPED RENTALS BY of 50%. But, IT IS QUITE POSSIBLE THAT if Seaville besides of decreasing DECREASED the number of rents it also raised the fiscalization for mopes AND ALSO RAISED THE MOPED RENTAL RATES WHICH DISCOURAGED PEOPLE FROM RENTING THE MOPEDS.

As known, fining mopes which was faster than the speed allowed, and hiring more policemen to control the transit. Regardless of wheather WHETHER the cities have made ENACTED other measures to decreased accidents or not, the author does not efficiently show a connection between the expected decreased in the number of accidents in Balmer with the observed decreased in the LESSER number of accidents in Seaville.

To conclude, it is expected that the number of mopDe accidents decreased because of the reduction of IN the number of mopes MOPEDS circulating in the city. However, this author's argument is not likely significant ENOUGH TO persuade READERS that the decrease in accidents would be the same as observed in Seaville.