Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay (an experience) - "How do I approach him?" [5]

Hey, your beginning is so intriguing. You give good descriptions of anger mixed with reluctance, too!

I knew that I wanted him out of my apartment - but at what cost?

As I would on any normal night, I started to walk...

I had been robbed.--- this kind of situation is what this verb tense is used for.

Awesome ending:
I still have the post-it note, and at times I stare as it reminds me of the moment I lost hope.

Undergraduate / Texas A&M Galveston Transfer Essay critique [2]

Right here you are using semi-colons in the way you should use dashes:

By obtaining a Maritime Transportation degree from Texas A&M -- one of the best in the country -- I can achieve success.

You could also just use commas.

Knowing the faculty works hard to make their its students achieve to their abilities full potential is a wonderful aspect for me (when you say aspect, you should say "aspect of XXXXX"... it should always be an aspect of something. In this case, you should write:

Knowing that the faculty...--------> is comforting to me.

Undergraduate / My Mom: Someone with an influence on your life - Common Applicatiton Essay [7]

Here is an idea for improving the intro to the essay:

Throughout my life I have been influenced by many things around me. However m My mom has been the most...

If you shave off the statement of the obvious at the start, the first words the reader reads will be interesting!
You say young woman twice, but I wonder if there is a better way to express what you mean. do you mean that you have become mature and that you are not a kid anymore? Maybe you are trying to say your mom inspired you to become a skilled professional and really take control of life.

Right here, you could say something about your plan for the future:
better student -- one with a clear vision of myself as a ________ in the next few years. young woman

:-)

Writing Feedback / achieving happiness through relationships - IELTS ESSAY [6]

The human being is a social animal. So, we cannot stand independent in this world; and this relationship is the source of happiness to all.

Here is one place you forgot an apostrophe:
It is foolishness if one thinks that he can do everything in his life without others' help.--- in this sentence, we put an apostrophe after others:

...others' help.

Usually it comes before the s
I asked for the other's help. (1 other)
He can do everything without others' help. (more than one other)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay - Technology vs Traditional Cultures [4]

Don't make sentences any more complicated than they need to be:
give up their traditional ways of accomplishing tasks for an easier and many times more effective ways.

It seems that you must add one more sentence to that introduction paragraph. Make it a sentence that shows the main idea of the whole essay (Thesis statement)

...the ability and willingness to deal with people and problems in person. and a couple of more A variety of problems is caused by this lack of traditional relationships.

:-)

Undergraduate / a Counter-Strike club - Activities Essay [7]

No need to mention the violence. What if you get a reader that feels strongly that this kind of game leads to aggressive behavior? When you walk down the street, don't just trust the drivers not to swerve into you, and when you apply for things, don't trust the person judging you not to be prejudiced. :-)

Focus on the technical and artistic aspects of it instead...

I think it is great stress reliving game. --- see, I recognize this as an argument from the debate about these games. This is not the tim to get involved in a debate. Focus on the impressive aspects of this modern art form.

use a comma for a compound sentence:
I was excited to lead an "untried" club, and I enjoyed watching students studying the "unique" club posters I designed.

:-)

Undergraduate / UT Austin Statement of Purpose (bodybuilding and diabetes) [6]

This is a run on sentence called a comma splice:
For the first few years my assumptions were correct, not once were my skills in biology or chemistry ever called into question outside of school.

can you see how it is 2 sentences mashed together? Fix it with a semi-colon. That is what semi-colons are for:
For the first few years my assumptions were correct; not once were my skills in biology or chemistry ever called into question outside of school.

Nice use of the word asinine! :-)

Ah, very good example of science with bodybuilding!
The patience, discipline, and commitment required to be a great drug free bodybuilder have not been contained in one aspect of my life; rather, they have seeped into everything I do. From family to work, school, and any time I take on a task -- I give it everything I have, because I cannot stand to just to finish an endeavor anymore. I must excel in it, and from this need to excel stems my need to help the diabetic.

Nice job!!!!

Undergraduate / What kind of words would you like to adorn your headstone? UNC Essay [3]

When applying to colleges I have full faith that the Admissions Committees will see all that I have to offer, and when I found out that my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer I did not let it cross my mind that this disease could potentially kill one of the most wonderful people in my life. --------- that last part sounds more like denial than optimism. When you don't let yourself think about something it is denial. When you tend to think death must give way to new life like the turn of the seasons, that is optimism. Maybe you want to revise this part to include better examples or better support for your examples.

Is this all one long paragraph? It should probably have one paragraph for each word, but then it would have to have 7 body paragraphs, and intro, and a conclusion. I guess I think this should have a short intro paragraph, a long body paragraph about all the words, and then a short conclusion paragraph. But if you are allowed to write about 750 words, you can write a 4 sentence paragraph about each word and still have room for everything. Can you write 4 sentences about each word? If so, give each word its own paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I am never go to abroad!" This sentence is what a Japanese friend called Taro in my club said [6]

This sentence was spoken by my Japanese friend, Taro. in my club Although he's not good at English, I learned an important thing lesson from him.

Taro, who cannot speak English well but really wants to communicate with trainees, always tries hard to make himself understood. -- good sentence!!

Surprisingly, people can mostly tell what he wants to express after all.

Looking at him, I realized a vital truth about communication; whether you are enthusiastic is more significant than whether you can speak the foreign language well when communicating with people of another culture.

:-)

Undergraduate / "So what do you plan on doing now?" -Common Application Transfer Essay [10]


Yep, some people will see it that way. Some people will just see your honesty and cool personality as you incorporate humor, but you have to expect that there will be some too-serious types!!

:-)

Undergraduate / A pharmacologist - "Describing aspirations" Essay [8]

I have
You have
He has
She has
Everybody has
Aspirations -- everybody at least at some point of their life has an aspiration.

"at some point"
Everybody has...

...the one that stands out the most is my desire to become a Pharmacist.

What got into me and stronger strengthened my desire to become a Pharmacist was that, no matter how hard my parents worked, they never had enough money to go to a doctor or buy medicines that could cure them when there were sick. ---- this is a very good reason to want to have a good job as a pharmacist! I hope you achieve all your aspirations!!

You can say "even though" or "but" but not both:
Even though it's a typical aspiration, but with all the help and supportive I'm getting, this dream will come true, and it will reshape the way people live -- especially people in my family.

Essays / IB Extended essay about solar energy - Business and Management [3]

Is this tariff the biggest example of the government's support? If so, it sure is a good focus. But what other ways has the government supported solar energy? Also, what about the difference in the way "domestic and commercial" entities were affected? Maybe this is supposed to say "commercial and public" entities?

It seems like you are focusing only on one issue, but maybe there are several things the government did to support solar energy other than this tariff.

You'll get something good if you google this: solar energy Czech melange

Undergraduate / "My journey moving to another country" - UT Austin Statement of purpose [6]

I could not have been happier when he offered me to build my first computer at age when I was twelve.

I was finally given access to a world I could not wait to explore. -------- good sentence!!

Since then, I developed an ever-growing a passion for computer science and anything computer-related, and it only grew stronger after I left France for the United States. ---- I crossed out that "ever growing" part because I think it was a little too much.

Also, I believe that being bilingual and having dual citizenship and the cultural differences that come with it give...

... me an uncommon look on perspective on how [things and people articulate and interact with each other] can you come up with a better ending for this sentence ?.

This really has some refreshing seriousness, straightforwardness and honesty.

Undergraduate / Technology, programming - NUS Application Essay Singapore [3]

Events, like open house, that facilitate interaction with parents and students, chief ushers for Ngee Ann Annual Award and Appreciation Night and so forth. etc. I don't really understand the last half of this sentence.

I believed am confident in my readiness to balance my work and CCA.

Which I think that time management is rather vital; with good time management and communication, committee members would not be confused, and no conflict will be raised. up This is how to make the event a success.

It would help to clear everyone's doubt and be able to produce good results on our project and assignment given by professor.

:-)

Book Reports / "the Ghost in Shakespeare's play Hamlet" - Need Critique On An Opening Paragraph [5]

This is what you say the ghost does: plays perhaps the great, sinister duty ...(in the mind of the young Hamlet, in a way tangible to readers.) But I think it needs to be revised! It does not seem to make sense.

but he acknowledges the fact of its existence, attempting to discern its intentions.
or
but he acknowledges the fact of its existence and attempts to discern its intentions.

you are missing a word here:
Which raises perhaps the greater question, why does Hamlet the Ghost's demands?

when you start a sentence with "Which" it can't be like this. This way, it has to be part of the previous sentence:

...and foreshadows and finalizes, the destiny of Hamlet -- which raises perhaps the greater question, why does Hamlet the Ghost's demands?

It is very complicated! What will your focus be for the essay? Will it be on supporting the assertion that the ghost is influential? I don't know if anyone would disagree, so it might not be a powerful thesis statement. If you define it more, it will be better. You can make an argument about WHY it is able to be so influential (i.e. the answer to this question you pose about why Hamlet obeys.

:-)

Book Reports / Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead, brief discussion on how it has influenced me [5]

You are covering a lot of concepts that should be explained a little: individualism, objectivism, and parasitism. Is individualism contrasted against collectivism, or are you using individualism to refer to individual effort and taking responsibility?

Maybe objectivist is better?-----> In the first place, her objectivist viewpoints and the declaration that "work is worship" strengthened my determination to take my own path. With the encouragement from Ayn Rand's spirit, I finally decided to put college off and develop my own business.

this part is indeed much clearer now.

Graduate / marketing degree, Q2: What do you hope to achieve? [6]


If you don't know how to approach the question of what you want to achieve, then you should reconsider everything. Are you sure you want to do marketing? I think that if you really had your heart in it you would know what you want to achieve.

I don't know what to say about what you want to achieve. Maybe you have some particular companies you would like to work for? Maybe you can envision yourself in these next 5 years... if so, describe what you see. The fact that you have a vision that includes this school is a valid reason to want to attend.

:-)

Undergraduate / an aspiring student, Why are you considering Stony Brook University? [4]

It's interesting to compare this with what you wrote right after it. This sentence has lots of words, and it's too complex. But look at how great these sentences are:

This what I've started with so far. Can anyone please help me with this. I really want to get into this fine institution. I'd really appreciate it. Thanks. This is powerful, simple writing! This is the authenticity readers appreciate.

I think that is why Linmark simplified it.

However, the sentence does not really say anything except that you are the first n your family to go to college. It says that, and it says you believe this school is good, but that is not saying much. You need to think of a theme for the essay. What is the reason you find this school to be so exciting? Why is it better to pursue your chosen major here instead of somewhere else?

Undergraduate / As I journey through life I often asked myself, "What is my life purpose? Essay for Peace Corps [7]

I love the work of Dianna Hacker. It is great for students. Just google it! She is so smart.

Also, I always recommend Stephen King's On Writing and Strunk and White's The Elements of Style.

Essays / Help me in this essay about smoking! [11]

Yes, it's easy to find example papers online. Articles in magazines and journals make excellent examples, too. You can't get smeone to do your work for you here at EssayForum, though. You have to give it a try!

So, google this:
smoking "research study"

and also google this:
articles about smoking

When you finish reading an article, write a sentence about it. Then, give an example to explain what you mean in that sentence. Then quote the article. finally, finish the paragraph with a conclusion sentence.

Do that for every article you read, and post the paragraphs here! We'll help.

Undergraduate / "fear for challenge" - Brown University Transfer Essay [13]


You're welcome!

I like this revised version more. I don't know if you intended the previous version to seem harsh, but it seemed pretty harsh. From my perspective as a reader, this seems more impressive and dignified, and it presents you in a positive light.

I understand what Linmark said about the 2 halves being disconnected. I think you need to stop somewhere within the first 2 paragraphs and give a sentence that plainly says what the essay is all about. That way, the reader will know what direction you are going.

Book Reports / The excerpt from the opening of In Cold Blood [5]

I'm so confused! Are you twin sisters, or one person with a pen name? :-) anyway, I merged these threads because of the identical titles.

The Brittany essay has god structure. You certainly know how to write a topic sentence and follow it up with support. It's great... but I don't understand what your question is about the 4rth paragraph.

For the Briana essay, I see one awkward sentence:
When Capote says, "Holcomb, like all the rest of Kansas, is 'dry,'" he is characterizing Holcomb by identifying it as a town where no alcohol is sold, just like the rest of Kansas. ------------- you know, this is a simile by the definition of simile, I guess, but it does not really work in the poetic way a simile is supposed to work. If you said it was as dry as extra dry ginger ale, that would be a good simile, but to say it is dry like the rest of kansas just means that all of Kansas is dry. Is that true about Kansas, I wonder?

He uses imagery by showing the color of the sign, what type of color it is, and by describing that the window was dirty. ----- this is a good example, but maybe you should add a reflective/evaluative/thoughtful conclusion sentence to wrap up the paragraph or transition to the next one.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Smoking at public place should be banned. Argumental essay for IELTS GT [8]


It's a IELTS essay! That means it's like me trying to write about this in Spanish, ha ha. I know how to speak Spanish at the level of maybe a 4 year old, so it is impressive when someone is able to accomplish an essay like this in a second language! :-)

Undergraduate / Personal biography (past life, future goals, education, experiences) [2]

Her eyes had that spark that...

hands and feet

They had a few pieces of luggage, their only worldly possessions.

Civil war ended, but it didn't bring an end to people's sorrows. ---- very good sentence!!

I am more focused and motivated about my studies and activities than before.

Well, I guess you should write a little more about the specifics of your plan. That last paragraph is quite vague. I think you should make room for more discussion of concrete things... specific interests and plans for the next few years.

The writing is great, very poetic and powerful
:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - I believe people can get more knowledge from books [3]

This is because books contain more information and knowledge, and people can learn from past. ---- yes, learning from books is also learning from experiences. It is learning from the experience of reading the book! It is also learning from the experiences of the person who wrote the book. Good argument!

Also, peoples' memories do not last forever, so they need their knowledge recorded in books. Only one experience can occur in any given moment, whereas numerous books can teach wide range of information and knowledge ranging from science to everyday life.

This book teaches us about life thousands of years ago, and the book has provided numerous beliefs and knowledge for people.

What this book teaches cannot be experienced by people of the present, since Jesus is deceased.

:-)

Letters / Appeal a letter of denial for admissions (The University of South Florida) [3]


I think this seems wrong, because if you are still looking for the perfect college you aren't necessarily serious about this college.

Here is another compound sentence, so it needs a comma:
I fully understand that only a small percentage of appeals are made, and I have...

and another one:
The University of South Florida was always at the top of my list of my potential schools, and I was--- whenever you put 2 sentences together as one long sentence, use a comma before the conjunction.

You say a lot before you really say anything. I think it would be a good idea to use this as the attention grabbing first sentence:

In the beginning of m My high school years I was started off with low grades and procrastination, and I have learned from my mistakes. (now continue the intro paragraph by telling them about your purpose for writing. End the paragraph with an assertion about how focused you are because of your recent experience of inspiration. Tell them you now have what you did not have during the first half of high school.

:-)

Writing Feedback / First Impressions from Lasting Impressions (tattoos and piercings essay) [3]

In this generation tattoos and piercings send out a message of _____ (what? nonconformity?) in a first impression.

First impressions are very important in life's daily processes , such as looking for a job and meeting new people. The prejudging of people who have tattoos and piercings has happened a lot in past years, but these fashion statements are becoming more common. Now add one more sentence to tell what the main point of the essay is. Then, end the first paragraph.

When many people see a guy or women with one or more tattoos on their body, they often prejudge the person, most of the time thinking of the person in stereotypical ways.

:-)

Research Papers / Michael Jackson Senior Project (harmful or wonderful) [3]

Harmful: because he was accused of bein g a pedophile
You can't label him a villain based on an accusation. He is only a villain if he is guilty, so we don't know, I guess.

shameful: he was ashamed of being black

Shameful means something different. You mean "ashamed."

Music: main stuff about his music--- he is good in the sense that his music is well loved? That is a reasonable argument.

Donate: donations he made to charities and all the good stuff he did. --- another reasonable argument.

Also, he held his baby out a window up high, and he named 2 of his kids the same thing, which could be considered messed up.

ust keep in mind what is realistic to accomplish in your essay. You can give a thorough discussion of the good and bad stuff, with one big section about each. Just start writing paragraphs, and when you have a god collection, look to see if a theme is developing. first thing to do is get some good articles about him from your school database.

When you start to read, and then write a paragraph now and then, it will start to feel like a conversation you are having.

:-)

Book Reports / "Peekay and Johnny Day show the power" - intro and ending [2]

Both the characters bring people together in order to create unity throughout a community (how about a different word so it does not sound silly, unity in the community.)

The crowd is described ,
The crowd was dense, and the people, "stood, shoulder to shoulder, ...

use a comma:
Johnny went ahead and climbed anyway, regardless of the sign.

So your thesis is that they both do these three things. That could be more meaningful...

Think of a theme. What is the common underlying principle that causes them to do these things. Do they both represent the same theme? If you look for their common trait that makes them act this way, it might become a theme that sharpens your thesis and makes the essay more memorable...

:-)

Undergraduate / How did you learn about NJIT and why are you applying for admission? [2]

Practice writing in the past tense... the things that already happened. Today I learn, and yesterday I learned.

I learned about NJIT by my School Senior Councelor, where we stopped and discussed what i wanted to study and what were the schools I wanted to apply to.

I'm applying to NJIT because I did some research and found that NJIT has Computer Network Technician program which is what I want to study. Also NJIT has an unique aspect from other school like the Campus life, all the student, staff and faculty respect each other.

In my Junior year in High School I learned how a computer is made and how to make one with the help of all my classmates and teacher.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I can be the person I dream of" - Common App. Macalester Supplement. [4]

It's the "person I dream of being." The "person I dream of" sounds like you are talking about a soul mate or something.

Let's do this whole part in the present tense:
"You are such a fag! You are so gay!" these are the first quotes I hear walking through the dorms at Cal Poly. Whether they are directed at me or not, that ignorance and lack of respect offends me. The immense culture clash of intolerance cripples my excitement to meet new people and make my college a comfortable place to be.

The present tense is powerful...

But this notion is underdeveloped. I think you should elongate the paragraph by adding a sentence that clearly says what you mean: I want to choose Macalester because the school "culture and climate" are important to me.

:-)

Undergraduate / "So what do you plan on doing now?" -Common Application Transfer Essay [10]


I can't figure out what this refers to. What is the problem, exactly, the shame?


or unless you are compelled to by your creative inclination! :-)

Undergraduate / Common Application- Favorite Activity (I participated in Green Team) [8]


This sounds like a poetic way to refer to your environmental protection efforts, too!

This whole thing is great.

Book Reports / Help with a hook / Rules of Society in the book Pearl by John Steinback [9]

So, if you have read an analysis of the pearl, and if you have read the book itself, you will see that it involves a particular kind of greed. Is it like greed you are guilty of? Is it greed that is similar to greed we see in the world today? You need something meaningful to say.

First you need to think of the main idea of your essay. If the theme of the book is about greed, the theme of your essay might be a particular observation about a particular kind of greed illustrated in the story.

When you know the theme for your essay you will be able to come up with a clever observation about it that will hook the reader's attention.

Undergraduate / "Highlighting the strengths and weaknesses" Commonapp essay..What do you think? [6]

Yep, you have to hope they appreciate bold originality. If they don't, maybe it is not the right school! You'll do great.

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose - SCAD (art and design interest) [4]

I think it will be beter without the word "may" (i.e. may look)

Actually, I think the first few sentences are statements of the obvious... too obvious and common.

When you get here it gets interesting:
Having a career in Graphic Design is perfect for a creative individual as myself who has a sense of design. --- I would like to know more about your sense of design, your inclinations, your ideas.

This type of profession has caught my attention since age 10, helping my uncles Brian and James Jones with church programs including a cover of my grandfather's funeral program, invitations,and businiess cards. (now tell us a little about your philosophy of design as it has developed during these experiences)

Becoming a Graphic Designer is not only my goal but it's also my dream. blah blah blah

:-)

I intend to pursue this career as a master's degree at SCAD in Savannah,Ga and ______ add something to give this sentence some purpose in its life.

I may not have the best SAT scores or GPA average but I'm hardworking, I always told myself through the years that I would never give up on my dream and that shows I am a person who's determined. --- this is a run on sentence. You can fix it y putting a semi-colon in place of the comma after "hardworking"

but is it really necessary to draw attention you your bad gpa and sat scores? If so, maybe you should not pss over it in such a casual way, as though they can be easily compensated for with determination. Tell the reader how your passion for design has caused you to really engage school in a proactive way during your recnt semesters (even if the gpa does not reflect that.)

use a theme that will make this memorable.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree? a jury has access to the defendant's past record [5]

argue that it offends one's privacy and affects the judgement of jury.

While others (who are for it) believe it is helpful for the court to judge fairly. ---- the way you are using "while," it should be part of the previous sentence:

argue that it offends one's privacy and affects the judgement of jury, while others (who are for it) believe it is helpful for the court to judge fairly.

You write that the jury is responsible for judging objectively, and that is true. Objectivity is the goal. That's why the defendants criminal record should not be disclosed. All it can do is cause people to make assumptions. Disclose al the records, and the jury will not be looking for proof of guilt, just using their own intuition. If someone can be proven guilty, it is not necessary to show the past record. But if the past record is taken into consideration, the jury can reach a guilty verdict without proof.

If someone with a clea record murders me and frames you for it, and you have some crimes in your past, you are going down, and the murderer is going free! :-) So, I challenge your argument! Good writing, though...

Undergraduate / professional admission to undergraduate business school, why I should be part of [4]


Sounds like you need to make an argument that the final outcome will be better if you go to this school rather than another school. Maye this is because you have a big plan for your time at this school, involving a particular club or professor.

You also have to show that other people will benefit by your attending this school, rather than some other student attending the school. Why will the world be better served by you attending than someone else?

It all comes down to a question of what actual, real-world difference will be made by you attending this school. What will be different about your life if you attend (name of some other school) instead of this one? Tell them a story that involves you giving back to society or contributing to your field DURING your time at this school and/or after graduation. You have to identify what makes this school unique in order to identify the difference that will be made by you attending it instead of another school.

Convince them that the way in which the school is unique and the way in which your plan is unique (and you must have a real plan) are related in some significant way. :-)

Undergraduate / "fear for challenge" - Brown University Transfer Essay [13]

I thought I misheard, but apparently the ecstasy that he failed to conceal revealed that he was not kidding. ----- when I read this, it seems like an unnecessarily complex sentence, and I also feel a little "offended" by the way yo are so surprised by his success. So far, I still don't know what this is about...

"You think that's a legitimate reason? --- as I continue to read, you seem more narrow minded and judgmental.

We tacitly refrained from...

This essay would make a better impression, I think, if you made it more humble from the beginning. By the time the end comes, I see that you are talking about how you grew and opened your mind, but I still think this essay hows you to be very judgmental, and... it will be better if you express more enthusiasm and get rid of all the stuff about how surprised you were that your father succeeded and got this position.

My idea for you: You should begin and end this essay with paragraphs that mention how you feel inspired by your mother and father for their different kinds of wisdom.

:-)

Graduate / SoP on MBA (summer break in Vietnam) [7]

I wish! Maybe someday. Buddhists are better people than me!

:-D