Graduate / Motivation Letter for International Business Programme -how shorten this essay [7]

Here is something I could not figure out how to correct yesterday:
...decided to pursue a Master's of International Business abroad. (is that the proper name for the degree?)

move this comma over:
Since I began my master's degree here in Baku, I have...

I don't see much that is unnecessary. You have a sleek, efficient, serious writing style!

I think all this would be better in lower case letters: Strategic management, Business logistics, International entrepreneurship, Leadership in cross-cultural contexts, International business theory, Globalization and international management, Project work in international business and...

I think it looks better if you use lower case letters, because it shows that they are familiar subjects to you. I think experts don't capitalize terms like strategic management.

Undergraduate / Hospitality Administration - Cornell Transfer Admissions Essay [10]


Awesome, this and your other reflections amount to sme great advice for everyone reading this. Focusing on your work experience is good for a number of reasons.

"swept up in the energy" is great.

Your first para ends with something that is good as part of an intro to a narrative, but it is not a thesis sentence for the essay. That means the thesis sentence should probably come here, where this sentence currently is:

Working on the frontlines of the hospitality industry has been hard. It has taken discipline, commitment and leadership through the long hours, endless guests and unexpected problems.----- this sentence is good, and the whole thing is good, but if you can enhance this sentence so that it expresses clearly the main theme for the whole essay. Power improves when an essay has a thesis sentence that states its message directly.

This is great!

Graduate / "Why did you choose the health profession", short response from my post-bacc app [6]

no comma necessary here:
...data to support or refute it.

I'm jealous, URI is a cool place!
I expect to continue to do scientific my research after graduating University of Rhode Island.

This is a bad sentence:
Not only does Artistic expression requires physical technique, and it also requires _________(something to express that it requires a vision of what is to be created or changedmental cognition -- both of which I believe a -- both of which are indispensible in the work of a physician. must be able to draw upon in their daily life.

"I believe" is always weak, so I took that out (above).

:-)

Book Reports / a seperate peace literary critique (AP english)-feedback [2]

John Knowles wrote his novel A Separate Peace, after experiencing what he deemed as "perfect summers" at Phillip's Exeter Academy, and being a part of the air force for...

You don't hve to write "his novel"... just italicize the title.

And capitalize Air Force.

use a semi-colon here to avoid a run on sentence:
eight months. Both of these experiences are dealt with in his novel; the book set at Devon School, based off of Phillip's, and ...

Brinker, described as a politician, is a character we are introduced to early on in the novel.

Brinker views the cause of war as the mistakes of his predecessors. Mr. Hadley views the cause of war as man's ingrained sense of pride in himself, the chance for greatness. To Phineas, there is no cause of war.---- good stuff here! Good analysis.

But to Gene, who fought his own battle before fighting his country's, has insight.--- you can see wha t is wrong here. Read it aloud in order to come up wit a better way.

Good job!!!

Essays / How to start a classification essay on love in movies [4]

I googled this and got good results: classification type of essay

I suggest writing one of the body paragraphs before doing anything else. A body para about one movie showing love for country is a great idea! Explain it well and give a quote as an example.

Do that for another body paragraph about a different type.

Do a third body paragraph.

Make sure all the body paragraphs start with topic sentences that tell the main idea of the paragraph.

Go back and write an introduction para that explains how and what you are categorizing.

:-) You have some good ideas!

Undergraduate / "to improve my relationship with my father" - Help with Practice personal essay [3]

This is such a strange and cool writing style! Revise to get rid of unnecessary words, trimming them away:

This was just another one of those days.

Also, let's work with this weird sentence:
I remember the countless times afternoons when I was enticed into the cafeteria by the sweet smell of pork chop buns or the magnificent thought of sugary juices flowing out of the watermelon onto my tongue, French bread pizza, only to be melancholic upon realizing at the reminder that I had forgotten my wallet at home.

Ha ha... pretty good.

captured in a feeling of inertia. -- inertia is the wrong word here. Use a different word.

Wow, so... you started a club and let your friend pay you, and then gave his money back! You are a genius!! I am so impressed, ha ha, you are a hero.

and it tasted better than it ever had before.

You should add one more reflective sentence to the end so that it does not end with an abrupt reference to your dad wanting you to play golf.

:-)

Undergraduate / "A past not repeated" - Texas A&M transfer student essay [3]


You shouldn't name the Holocaust and the Civil Rights Movement together, ha ha... as if they were both bad.
How about ...in reference to humanity's lessons learned during the Holocaust and other forms of persecution and oppression.

This sentence does not help:
As many times as I have heard this quote, in its many variations, it always has the same message behind it, learn from the mistakes of the past and do everything possible to make sure that they don't happen again. How about coming up with something that will tell the main idea of the essay, and replace this sentence. Maybe this thesis statement at the end of the first para should refer to your personal effort to avoid repeating history's mistakes.

I like the thoughtfulness of the essay. You give a conceptual reason to study history (learning from the past) and a practical reason (your career aspirations).

Graduate / Back to Graduate School for more Economics: Letter of Intent! [2]

I am an economist with an aptitude for addressing economic issues through creative statistical techniques and keen interest in macroeconomic and public policy issues related to Canada.--- do you like it this way, as one long sentence? I think this is a nice way to express it.

From these developments ultimately materialized in choosing my decision to follow a career path in public policy.

This is already quite impressive, even without any corrections.

My curiosity and initiative compelled me to test my newly cultivated skill set in real world applications led me into seeking an economist position with the (..) Ministry of (..)

Thanks for the excellent help you gave in other threads recently! you are a great new member of our forum!

Undergraduate / "more about you in your own words" - Georgetown University Essay [8]

The first things I found were my childhood photos.

My Baptism, my first birthday, family trips, all these moments that we usually forget through time but yet gave us so much happiness and in some way form our personality and character.---------this sentence is not complete! You have to change it a little:

My Baptism, my first birthday, family trips -- all these are moments that we usually forget through after some time passes, but they gave us so much happiness and in some way formed our personality and character.

I kept searching and found report cards, photos of when I was elected president of the Student Government, diplomas from Debate Championships, and photos of when we were champions. These were moments in which I felt very proud of myself.

Book Reports / Think hard about the design, juxtaposition and relative size of the symbols in the The Stone Angel [2]

I think that is supposed to say create a "collage."

If you have read the story and know some of the symbols, all you have to do is find pictures of them and put together a collage. When they talk about juxtaposition, they are asking you to put pictures next to each other in ways that show that you understand how they were used in the story.

If you are not familiar with the story, this will be difficult, but if you learn about the symbolism used in it you should have a fun time doing this.

google this: "The stone angel" symbols

Graduate / 'healthcare training center' - Personal Statement for MA in language studies [6]

While languages are the building blocks of communication, translation is a tool to facilitate communication. --- this sentence could be better. If languages are building blocks, translation is the process of making them interchangeable or putting the blocks together.

With experienced professors and good learning resources, I will have a rich academic environment to focus on my studies.---- this is very general. I wonder if you could say something more specific and possibly even name some professors.

Awesome, good luck in your career!

Undergraduate / The importance of education - personal essay (TOPIC E) for UT transfer [3]


Excellent, the high quality of this sentence reflects the high quality of your education. You write very well!

...because they know their lives would be different if they were given the same opportunities as I have .

I like this essay... it's very meaningful to reflect on how fortunate you are to have this opportunity.

As a young adolescent I was pushed to succeed where my parents had failed in ways that my parents could not, but at the time I did not fully understand what I really wanted to do with my life.

:-)

Undergraduate / My writing, my music, my self-expression - Transfer Statement! (Emerson College) [4]

You write very well! Here is a sentence that could be improved, though:
Outside of school, I produce music, write an opinionated blog, and I work to get my ideas across to an audience.
This way, it sounds clearer.

Thus my inevitable interest in Emerson's School of Communication. -- In this sentence, I think you are using thus the way people sometimes use hence. Could it be hence that you were trying to use? As it is here, the sentence is incomplete.

You could do this: Thus, it was inevitable that I would be drawn to Emerson's School of Communication.

:-)

Book Reports / Help with a hook / Rules of Society in the book Pearl by John Steinback [9]

If you don't show some effort before getting help, it is too much like we are doing your work for you. You should suggest some ideas first and initiate a discussion about narrative hooks and the themes covered by Steinbeck.

Maybe if you describe the theme of the story for people who have not read it, the will be able to suggest ideas! Also, remember that the way you hook the reader's attention should be based on the theme of your essay. So the real question is this: what should the theme of your essay be?

Undergraduate / Common Application- Favorite Activity (I participated in Green Team) [8]

This is the correct verb form to use:
Last summer I participated in Green Team and I realized my prior efforts to help had fallen short.

Last summer you realized that your efforts had been...

This conclusion sentence is not very strong:
I take shorter showers, recycle used leaves of paper and I am eager to join an organization that performs services to benefit the plant.---- it is not strong, because it repeats that "taking short showers" idea from before, as if nothing changed. You can probably come up with a better sentence to express what changed for you.

For you, I recommend reading books by James Lovelock.

Undergraduate / My journey towards success - This is for my common application [6]

They say success comes from the sweat and tears of hard work, experience and initiative. -- I think I just commented on this sentence in another of your essays. It seems wrong to write:

Sweat of -----> experience and initiative
It only goes with "work"
You should write it this way:
They say success comes from the sweat and tears of hard work, experience and initiative.

I have never climbed uphill barefoot, nor have I tripped over an obstacle. --- I am not sure what this sentence is supposed to mean! :-)

My journey barefoot started while working with autistic kids. -- I on't know what "barefoot journey" is supposed to represent!

It was a God-sent job that accommodated the love I have to go to medical school for medicine and desire to have a job in the medical field.

Grammar, Usage / Active Verb Sentence [5]

Most seldom is very awkward. "Seldom" implies something that, "most of the time does not happen." So you can write:
People Most seldom achieve this goal, thwarted by low-wage jobs and discrimination based on race, religion and gender.

Graduate / SOP: M.Sc. in High Performance Computing from the University of Edinburgh [6]

This is as good as they get, very impressive. It is even enjoyable to read!

I could not find errors, and I think the style is very good. Here, at the end, I found something that could be improved:

Securing a place within the M.Sc. course at EPCC is, therefore, a giant leap in my career and I plan to follow it up with a PhD as the logical next step for my interest in High Performance Computing.

"... step for my interest" does not work. You can say this:
Securing a place within the M.Sc. course at EPCC is, therefore, a giant leap in my career and I plan to follow it up with a PhD as the logical next step in my process of mastering the field of High Performance Computing.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for International Business Programme -how shorten this essay [7]

After my internships in both productional and non-productional companies during the third and fourth year of my undergraduate study I perceived the truth: this is not my desired profession; I have no passion toward for it.

Well, if you want to open your own business, you can do whatever you want, and you already have the necessary accounting knowledge!

Subsequent to earning master's degree in international business, I would like to work for an international company as a manager and investigate and learn different various aspects of global organizations as they will affect my long-term career plans in this area.

:-) this is very impressive! I think you should feel confident about it.

Undergraduate / writing an essay on a topic of my choice for uni application [5]

I definitely like this one a lot more! It is elegant, serious, inspiring, and very thoughtful. It shows real reflection and knowledge of psychology, the field you choose.

I think it is better than the bird metaphor, because the bird metaphor is not fully developed... not really clear.

Undergraduate / Transfer essay: Describing my need to go onto a four year university to study [4]

This kind of sentence can be better with no unnecessary words:
"Why do I need to go to school?" a kid whines, putting his head down on his unfinished homework. (instead of repeating "his," we just omit it)

Furthermore, I realize that to study International and Development Economics and reach my career goal, I must step out of my comfort zone and be more open to new ideas. For the past...

You should have a whole paragraph about stepping out of the comfort zone and Ethiopian food, etc, and then have a separate conclusion paragraph that comes afterwards.

:-)

Undergraduate / Personal Statement Admission Essay: Leadership, Creativity, teamwork, Communitiy [5]

I think this whole sentence should be taken out:
Success comes from the sweat and tears of hard work, experience and initiative.
There is no such thing as tears of experience or tears of initiative.

You have to make a connection between success and service instead:
One factor that will facilitate my success is that I discovered the importance of serving others when I My inspiration started when I joined the Volunteers in Power (VIP) club. to complete my community-service hours.

That way, you make a connection between the experience and the assertion about success.

:-)

Graduate / Singapore Master in Electrical Engineering with Communications as my major - SOP [8]

I had to remove the essay from this thread, because I saw that the content was indeed the same as in that other essay. It may not be that it was intentionally copied, but I had to remove it just in case. Thanks for pointing out the problem!

Essays / Recreation and poverty essay...Need review [4]

...but is there really a difference that can impact a child's life if they were from a lower income family?

Undergraduate / making large amounts of money or being satisfied to earn a comfortable living [5]

I'll give some ideas, too, in case it is helpful...

Everybody should feel to free to be themsevles to take action based on their own wishes. There are two main characteristics motivations for human behaviour: that first one is making large amounts of money, and second one is being satisfied to earn a comfortable living.

Firstly, some kinds of people want to live...
Secondly,there are other kinds of people who are satisfied with their owns enough to live peacefully, and these are the kinds of people with great knowledge about being happy.

In conclusion, I would like to say this: there is no importance to have having all the wealth on earth; this is merely illustration of this mortal life. The most significant thing is to be satisfied with your own specialities abilities and level of wealth. If people think from this point of view, this brings happiness naturally and eventually.

Undergraduate / English, my favorite subject; University of Toronto SAF [4]

It has enabled me to be more analytical and comprehensive in all other aspects of my life, because I analyze people around me in the same way I analyze fictional characters. ... or something like that. Give an explanation of what you mean.

I agree that it will be better with less I believes!
I believe that having the opportunity to study International Studies would help me...

I believe that m My exposure to different languages has assisted me in developing my ...

You do have good, clear structure! :-)

Writing Feedback / "I want a wife" - is it a good tittle? [4]

The way people usually us this expression is "shed light on..."
Brady tries to shed light on how women look through the eyes of a man.

While identifying many stereotypes, women fall victim in society. --- this sentence does not seem to make sense. Maybe you mean to write it like this:

While identifying many stereotypes, Brady shows how women fall victim in society.

W e can see that Brady here is trying to show that the workload is heavily placed on the wife and mother figure, while the man only focuses on one goal. The man can focus on school or wor k, but it cannot be both at one time.

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'no control' - The mass media and their influence on people's ideas [7]

It is nice if you keep the numbers the same, like this:
The mass media, including TV, radio, newspapers play very important roles in our modern life.
The TV, radio, and newspapers are plural, so you can make "roles" plural, too.

Here is another example of the same thing:
They have change our lives very much.

You could say "my life," but if you use "our" you should say "our lives."

In my opinion, it is not execrable to say that they have a great influence in shaping people's ideas, both for the better and for the worse. ---- thanks for teaching e a new word! I never knew the word execrable until now!

:-)

The extent to which the mass media is able to influence us only reaches this far, the rest is really still within our control.

Dissertations / PHD in Markeing (research in consumer buying behavior toward financial product) [4]


I think I understand what you mean. You want to conduct research using the place you work, but you don't want it to just be about how things are in India.

Well, the first thing to do is read lots of research studies that are similar o what you have in mind? Can you find 4 or 5 studies that are similar to what you want to do? It's very important that you use your school's database and read all the recent papers that have been published in scholarly journals about marketing. It is impossible to get started on your own project until you see what is being done lately. You can build on someone else's work, or you can reprodue someone else's study with a different focus.

It's just like entering a conversation that is happening: You need to see what everyone else is saying right now before you "say" something by writing this dissertation. Otherwise you might repeat what has just been said.

So... read lots of articles similar to what you want to write, and you will see that their Literature Reviews are all similar. That is because they are all about the same topic, which is the topic you chose. Consequently, your literature review will look a lot like theirs, too. The literature review is a review of what is happening in the ongoing "conversation" about buying behavior.

:-) I hope that helps!!

Scholarship / Curiousity helps me learn quick - Scholarship Essay (Diversity) [2]

Since first grade, every year, I either had to retake the exam or passed only with pas sing grades. I thought I didn't have the ability to study at the same level as my peers.

...had me take tutor classes outside of school. After this, add the THESIS STATEMENT, which tells the central message of the whole essay.
Then, begin paragraph 2:
By the end of 7th grade, my grades improved...

Start paragraph 3 like this:
By then At the end of my junior year, I moved to America with my family, and this was a significant turning point in my life because ______________ . Everything ...

:-)

Undergraduate / Art school admissions personal statement (applying for fashion design) [5]

I like the new material, and I like, especially, the transition backward with the sentence that starts with: But lets...

Nice job, this will be a big success, I think.

Poetry / "What You Should Have Given Me" [3]

Wow! Awesome. Wel, without the title the message would be confusing, bt to me it seems clear and... really, really excellent. You are reflecting on the ring and ho the forging process incudes what should have been given instead of the superficial thing.

I like this part:
But black and dark and common coal still shines
A special luster with warmth and stable heat,
Emits a soft loving glow, a caress, an embrace

This is really high quality stuff. I wouldn't change it at all! It is easy to understand because of the title, which is also intriguing.

Writing Feedback / Essay about My Classmate from Cambodia [5]

Luong and Allen, great job here! Thanks for the excellent contributions you make to help others at EF.

Undergraduate / 'Going through surgery' - EXPERIENCE THAT HAS AFFECTED YOUR GOALS---SU [5]

Going through s urgery is a very petrifying situation for one to be in. Look! Look how much more powerful your writing is if we trim away the useless words, the weeds in the garden:

Surgery is petrifying. All the possible... ---- that is powerful writing :-)

It is usually saer in this kind of essay to use the first person perspective:
All the possible outcomes go through my...

End that first paragraph with a question mark. ?

But Inside, I wanted to cry and run, but indeed I had to go through with it, for my health's sake.

:-)

Scholarship / Info about activities - how to answer without making it into an activity list? [3]


Great question! You need to be creative, and you need to have seen lots of great pieces of writing so that you have good ideas. Your ability to do this in an impressive way can set you apart from the others. So... without giving an idea that would be MY idea instead of your idea, I'll tell you the secret key to this sort of dilemma:

Use a theme.

One essay = one big idea

If you think about all your activities and your chosen field of study, what theme comes to mind? Whatever it is, write an insightful piece of writing about the significance of these activities, these components of the life with this particular theme.

The theme is the glue that sticks them together and points them all in the same direction.

:-)

Undergraduate / Life is a climb, but the view is great - University of Texas [4]

self conscious needs a hyphen:
self-conscious
but it is the wrong word here! I think you mean this:
As a hardworking, conscientious person...

Graduating from a reputable college is important to me; and Texas University can help me to achieve this better than the other schools I have considered, because _____________ (give a reason that is sincere and based on your unique vision for the future.)

:-)

Undergraduate / 'Like a stab in the heart' - UniversityOf richmond: comfort zone [3]

Change the commas to question marks:

When I began to write my essay, the first thing I thought of was in what way could I define my comfort zone. Is it my house? My friends? My school?

Don't switch from writing about me and my to "you":
Being in my comfort zone is knowing who I am and how I react to certain situations. Then there's always that moment where I leave my comfort...

and I would change it to say:
Being in my comfort zone is limiting myself to activities in which I know who I am and how I react to certain situations. Then there's always that moment where I leave my comfort...

You should watch out for run on sentences: From then on I saw life in a different way. My perspective changed as well. --- use microsoft office or some other program with a grammar checker.

:-)

Scholarship / hispanic college fund essay; arrived in the US and seeing hope [6]

Always write it again! But who knows if it will be better. Inspiration is a tricky wave to catch. But if you write again and again, you improve your odds of striking gold in your mind.

It did make a good impression on me. It is not only eloquent but also reflective... showing that you are aware of the work your parents do to support you... which is always impressive to the adult reader.

:-)

Essays / Events and festivals and their impact [2]

I have never studied this. But I ot lots o good results when I did a Google search for this: festival and event impact

You should do a search for that, and then write about what the writers of various articles discuss. You will learn all about some of the most important arguments that have been made and how they have been refuted. Based on your reading of the many good articles that come up when you do that word search, you will form strong opinions about what should b considered by organisers, politicians, local residents and the tax payers.

I hope that helps!! :-)

Essays / The capital of South Korea, Seoul: My favorite place paper [2]


Well, the thing to do is start by writing a list of topic sentences. Then, for each sentence, go back and let a whole paragraph "grow" out of it.

Certainly it is a harsh criticism for what I have seen from the place that I am about to write about.--- instead of just saying it is a harsh criticism, end this paragraph with a sentence that tells your main idea. If you had to tell the argument of the whole essay in one sentence, do it here.

Your first few paragraphs have good topic sentences that capture the idea of each paragraph.

As it is the nest of Koreans, Hangang is the place have been fond of both as a child and as a young adult. am fond of whether I was younger or older.

Unlike what would one might expect to see, as explained by the critic, the gloomy concrete buildings of endless heights blocking everything from everyone; the width of Hangang being about 2 km shows the one side of Seoul to the other side and broad vacant sky as well.------ A topic sentence should be added before this sentence. This is not a good topic sentence, because it does not give the main idea of the paragraph.

This will get a good grade, I think!! Your effort really shows.