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Posts by Ssakshijain
Name: Sakshi Jain
Joined: Oct 22, 2015
Last Post: Dec 17, 2016
Threads: 28
Posts: 129  
From: United States of America
School: Kurukshetra University, India

Displayed posts: 157 / page 2 of 4
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Ssakshijain   
Mar 4, 2016
Undergraduate / 'I, as an individual, could make a difference'; GT-LEADERSHIP, PROGRESS AND SERVICE [4]

Hi Ivy, your both essays lack the same thing, the motivation behind making computers. Here, the prompt asked you to demonstrate the qualities of last three years. Just think a little and you will come up with the ideas.Teaching assistant itself is the job of appreciation. Take the qualities one by one:

1. for progress, you can exemplify more how you excelled in studies from a student to teaching assistant.
2. For leadership, you build the maize grinder, you can explain it . Here comes both the service and leadership. How you initiated the process and what made you do that? Why you build it? You build it alone or with a team? Did you have the main role? Elaborate the qualities you already have, building a maize grinder and teaching assistant. The women you came across, did you took any step for them ? Any voluntary service? That will explain the service part. The prompt asked what you did so focus on that only. Don't lose hope, just write what you did and how you felt at that time and from where you got the motivation to do that.:) Feel free to ask any kind of help :)
Ssakshijain   
Mar 3, 2016
Scholarship / 'unique manuscripts' Scholarship essay for post graduate in Public Health Nutrition. [4]

Hi Sajama, Regarding your introduction, saying that studying masters in UK is your dream is like a child dreaming to study abroad. And to fulfill that dream, he took career as a reason. Don't mention too much about scholarships by saying first reason, second reason......It will not help, you need not to show need of scholarship rather show that how you are fit for scholarship. You have the passion but not able to reflect in your essay. The essay is more like a numerical data , you need to tell a story, do not demand scholarship. Don't say scholarship will help you say studies will help you and to do that studies you need scholarship. The sequence is:

1. Your background and how you got interested in health nutrition.
2. What made you chose this program? Why this school and how the program and school will help you to attain your career goals?
3. What are your career goals and how you will achieve them with the help of studies?
4. What will you do with the scholarship? Why the school should give you the scholarship? Don't make financial status of family and country as the primary reason. Rather make your career and objectives for your own country as the main reason. you need to show the potential you have and [passion for study and community service.

Don't write two or three lines rather write in paragraphs.
Ssakshijain   
Mar 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are also passion and hobby which should be taken into consideration at work, not only money [2]

Hi Mifta, I did the editing part for your essay including grammar and language. However, your essay lacks the structure. At some point, you are giving reasons of not leaving jobs, then comes to reason of staying in job, then you are explaining why some people are famous and successful in their work. So, I left that part to you.

1. Write one paragraph why you agree with the prompt. (Why money is the motivation for some people?)
2. Another paragraph about why you disagree. (What other factors apart from money comes into role for some people?)
3. Third paragraph your conclusion , which one of the opinion you hold. (What you think is the best among two and why?)

Consider every paragraph as an individual essay with its own opening line, main content and then concluding line.
This is the essay structure for such kind of exams. Looking forward for your new revision.

.....However, number of people consider money as the only motivation for work. I find passion and interest equivalent to money when it comes to purpose behind work.

...
Firstly, the primary reason why peopleare .....needs. People with secure career are more likely to stay in the same job as they find it difficult to get a new job in this competitive market. Despite this, while switching to new jobs, people tend to deliberate over the factors like annual salary and future career opportunities. If the new job is not meeting their expectations, they prefer to stay in present jobs only.

Money cannot buy happiness. If employees are not satisfied with their current work, then it will be useless for them.

On the other side, every person is free to choose the work they like. Some ..............Indonesia followed their passion and interest that led them towards a successful career. MZ became famous because of his invention of Facebook whereas TL is a well known writer in ........

All in all,....yours. (That is very random line to say, your conclusion need to be as strong as your introduction. Hope my suggestions will help you:))

Ssakshijain   
Mar 1, 2016
Undergraduate / My Commonapp Personal Statement - no stranger to hardship [2]

Hi Kangwoon, Firstly, mention the prompt please always with your essay. Now while reading your essay,it was good but saying that money is the only reason to transfer seems vague to me. What is the prompt? Most prompts asked that why you want to transfer and how you expect your new college to help you in your objectives?

You cannot say that you chose to transfer because of money, as if you are running from the situation. I appreciate that how you thought to grab the most from your education. But I am kind of thinking differently here, have you thought of ways to finance your tuition fees to pursue your goal, would have made your essay stronger. Don't show your financial problem as a weakness to get transfer, make it a strength and develop your essay accordingly. "something like: That even if I could manage some tuition fees, it was impossible to study further there. So , I chose to transfer but did not thought of compromising with my goals. I grab the most and side wise planning my finances for further education. " you are writing that you got admission in your favorite school but due to fees you are getting transferred, means not your favorite school.

On March 31st, 2014, ......... curve ball.
It seems like you were impressed by the social atmosphere and infrastructure of this school, began to find interest in economics means career was not your choice but campus was. It may give a false impression.

I hope you get the point and will do the editing as required. Don;t let your family problems be the reason of transfer, rather show how much you want to study and why you chose this school? What fascinated you in this school apart from fee structure? How you plan to study there and how you plan to use studies for your career goals?
Ssakshijain   
Mar 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Working as a receptionist at hotel [5]

Hi Hoai Suong, your prompt asked that why you chose to be a hotel receptionist? But your essay seems more like why you chose to do majors in English. English could be the reason to chose internship, but don't focus your whole essay on English. No where I can find the reason that why you are working? More than half of the essay was on English, last 4-5 lines were on other reasons. Maintain a balance, and instead of English, elaborate other reasons also. You could have chosen to work as a tourist guide, that has more chances to interact in the concerned language. So why receptionist? Bring some more reasons in your essay, then we can work on grammar and other parts :) Hope this helps:)
Ssakshijain   
Mar 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Contributions of scientists and artists to society - comparison [4]

.Hi Jay, you write very well. Just minor corrections from my side and I hope you are writing these essays in the required time limit. Good luck for your exams :)

...........There is a controversy that which group has ..........I feel this way(No need to write this line, it is evident that you will explain the reasons in essay, that's what the prompt asked. :) )

..........center of the ............... ideas. Ultimately, this paved a path for ..................

............ The discovery of medical imaging machines, LASERS, infusion pumps etc. has made the diagnosis and treatment of various diseases quite easy for doctors.
(You need to end the first paragraph of scientists with a conclusion like this is because/this made the society to value the scientists....
Ssakshijain   
Mar 1, 2016
Undergraduate / WELLESLEY 100 essay: A Hugely Ambitious Sisterhood [4]

Hi Kiana, I also went through the link you provided. For your first paragraph, you chose ambitious high projects but its of no use until or unless you don't mention your goal/dream here. What you said was general that they fund and assist. But if you check the link, the three women had a dream and with their hard work and with the help of college, they were able to fulfill it. But whats your impossible dream that made you chose this college? And made you chose this quality? I could not see any inspiration in your first paragraph. Reading novels and soft ball might be big at that time but now you are looking into a bigger picture. Mention the dream, your victories in the past will not make your essay good rather will eat up your word limit.

Second paragraph is good, but which quality from the link are you referring to here? Can you give me the number, so that I can go through the link and your answer.
Ssakshijain   
Mar 1, 2016
Graduate / Tried rewording and pruning, but having difficulty fitting the 250 words limit. Data Analytics Msc [4]

Hi Harjot, I hope my suggestions will help you to bring your essay to some extent within 250 words.
I am not asking you to compromise on the content, but you can make it less detailed like I did for the introduction lines.

My career started when I attended the tech-entrepreneurship expo as an undergrad student of Mechanical Engineering. This taught me about interdisciplinary nature of modern day's economy and the power of data.It led ........., through(You can remove this line, no need to detail your accomplishments. Hope that will reduce some words from your essay. Your prompt asked how your graduate studies will help you, but you were focused on what you did. You can reduce this and focus on goal , how your studies will help to achieve your goal. ) ..............

.... I came across a Data Science MOOC through online courses to gain more insights and to better myself for the industry.
Ssakshijain   
Mar 1, 2016
Student Talk / Do mention the prompt to get good reviews on your essay: For EF members. [2]

Hello members, before posting your essay, kindly mention the full prompt. Many students might not know what Common app is looking for (Including me ;) , what is transfer app or what are the requirements of your SOP. If you want to get good reviews and that too fast, then I highly recommend that post your essays with the full prompt. ;) Because most of the times we tend to spend more time on one essay trying to figure out the questions asked in essay by ourselves. It will save a lot of time and effort too :) Thank you :)

Secondly, for TOEFL/ IELTS / GRE exam takers:
Make sure you practice your essays in a time limit of 25-30 minutes which is needed in real exam . This will save your time and will give you the real atmosphere of practicing in time pressure as it is hard to think and write in just 30 minutes. So, start practicing with a alarm clock from now on wards :D
Ssakshijain   
Mar 1, 2016
Undergraduate / GT transfer application essay-- what interest you about your field of study [5]

Hi Ivy, this was an improvement but still a lot can be written . Firstly, your introduction that "Not as intelligent", seems like you are quite pissed off at this situation. Try to avoid showing your anger in the essay, may be in a milder form. Secondly the reason you gave that you came across a woman which made you think that you should help the women. But why you think that you can help such women by building computers. You said in your essay, that they are not accessible to information and knowledge because they are not allowed, then how will they be allowed to access computers even if they are cheap. Again, the teacher said that we can not help . You need to exemplify that why teacher said so, what made you to ask her for help. Why this circumstance arose? You need to build computers, then may be should give the reason , build computers for those who cannot progress because of low financial support. This is the example, you can think accordingly. But your reason is not going with your aim of computers. You need to relate your motivation with your goal of study. Give explanations and reasons of every assumption you make in the essay and try that they are interrelated. Your goal of computers cannot help the women you came across. If you think so, then explain more how it will help them. Sorry if I am making you think more, but you can write much more better because you have the passion :)
Ssakshijain   
Mar 1, 2016
Scholarship / Self Introduction Essay - Agent of Change on Urban and Regional Planning [2]

Replace it with interpersonal skills. You said Korea has great tourism industry but so how this will help you in the program? It contribute greatly to GDP but how does it matter to you? How your masters degree will be affected by it? I am not asking to write your goals, but mention how your interest in Korea's cultural heritage will help in program? You can visit Korea as a tourist, why chose program for that? Mention the name of your degree that you are pursuing. When the prompt said reasons and motivation behind the program, you need to mention that how program will benefit your career goal, that's where the motivation comes. In goal of study, you will mention your goals, but here you will mention your reasons for this program and this includes how you will get benefited by the program in future. Hope this helps :)
Ssakshijain   
Feb 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / In this fast-changing world, a lot of children live in the way that can threaten their health. [2]

Hi Alifah, the mistake I noted in your essay is regarding tenses. As the prompt said that how you agree or disagree, so you should suggest the ways . Rather than writing it in a form that is already done. To explain it:

For instance, mothers are able to cook healthy meals for family member every day and teach their children why eating healthy food is essential.

Either you write,
.....mothers are able to cook, so in this way they can cook for their family and can also teach them.

OR

....mothers can cook for family members and can teach their children......


Hope you are able to make out the difference.

........that can threaten(Threaten means to scare, so here may be you want to say that can affect their health. Use words like put health in danger/ risk their health/compromise their health etc.) their health. ...............since children have high frequency to interact with them the most .

......... This gives an authority totheir parents to control ............, mothers are able tocan cook ........ member every day and can teach ..........lifestyle with the help of their parents.

...........pupilsfor students will study ....................taught how to live healthilymaintain hygiene such as washing their hands after and before every meal . Furthermore, schools should encourage students to involve in various physical ............... .children stillcan practice a healthy living ........... another figure such as the government is also responsible ...........

.....Overall it was a good essay :) Good luck :)
Ssakshijain   
Feb 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Social media as a communication has a bad impact on society and relationships [2]

Hi Adie, I can see you have been practicing for a while and so improving day by day. However, you used to write way too long sentences with repetitive words. Make the sentences short and powerful. Your very first line is kind of flowery with good words but not being used properly in the sentence. I have rephrasing your essay with your own words. I am not adding any new words so that you will get an idea how to write sentences in a flow first, then we can work on content of the essay. Also, I hope you are writing it in a time limit of 25-30 minutes as stated by your exams. I am repeating it for all the exam takers that do practice your essays in a time limit only. It will hugely affect your scoring in the test. Now go through my revision of your essay with your own words, I have broken your sentences into shorter ones and also removed the extra words. I hope to see your next essay soon. :)

Today's globalized world uses social media as a source of communication among humans. According to my point of view/in my opinion, this has affected negatively on the relationships between people.

In addition to this, other drawbacks of the cutting-edge technology includes a social impact. Most of the people tend to be apathetic with surrounding environment as contact through media is enough for them. For example based on a statistic research by New York University, people prefer to express their felicitations online through Facebook, Path or LINE rather than joining a birthday party or a wedding party. As a result, the social group with friends becomes unfamiliar.

But it is also beneficial for physiology(Why you have written physiology here?) and relationship.


You can write more better but try to get an idea here regarding formation of sentences.
Ssakshijain   
Feb 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / If we're afraid of making mistakes during the process of obtaining success, we'll miss opportunities [3]

You write good and this was really a well written essay with clear examples. Most important is you write these essays in a time limit as is required in TOEFL/GRE /IELTS exams . If this essay is written in time constraint then wonderful attempt. There are some minor mistakes but you will overcome them with more practice. Keep practicing:) If not, then try to practice within time limits only because writing under pressure of time is more important.
Ssakshijain   
Feb 29, 2016
Undergraduate / Transfer from UH to UTAustin; Statement of purpose; Comp. Sci. Major [4]

Yes the prompt itself said related to your academics. So replace it with your profession. One line is enough if you want to use it as I mentioned. Write in length about your goals and how you got interested in this field and what you did to reach this level.
Ssakshijain   
Feb 28, 2016
Undergraduate / Transfer from UH to UTAustin; Statement of purpose; Comp. Sci. Major [4]

Hi Joseph, while reading your essay,it made me think that ok there is a guy with no friends, so he immersed himself in video games to overcome his loneliness and then out of nowhere he started thinking to make his own game by computer programming. Friends are important, you know, I know :) But this is not what readers look for. Ok, now as I got to read something influential related to your academics, it was done. This is the formal essay, so the reader will mainly look for your academic goals, academic studies, professionalism in you. )So, I will suggest remove your introduction part, it is not helping much rather showed the low part of your life. You can rephrase it something in this manner:

Being an introvert guy, I always immersed myself in online games rather than field games. I never knew that my indulgence in video games will turn into desire of creating the same .

Then write how you excelled? Straight away you thought of computer programming ? Or tried something else? Try to elaborate more on your majors and studies part. What else you did, how you learned and what you learned? Can you post the full prompt please? It is required to post your prompt with your essay. Your title said transfer, so you should also mention the reason of your transfer in your essay. why you wanted a transfer? Why this school only? The reason you gave in your last paragraph is too general. Every school has good people, amazing faculty, and best in its own kind. You need to mention specific features/qualities of the school that inspired you to chose this school.

Elaborate about your majors and we will go through it. Hope this helps :)
Ssakshijain   
Feb 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Businesses ought to concern of attention on their activity due to their aim related to profit [2]

Hi Hadi, try to use different words and not to repeat the words more than twice at maximum. This essay is about business owners and business, you can use words like merchant, entrepreneurs, administrator, founder, owner, etc. For business u can say work, job, occupation, trade, etc. according to sentence. Just try to be creative and specific, dont just repeat the words, it will make your essay wordy and less appealing. Second thing I noted is you write way too long sentences, try to use minimum words and express your opinion. I have rephrased one sentence highlighted in blue to make you understand. Overall it was a good essay, just try to make it short and meaningful sentences.

..... ... is pursuingto make the maximum profit As such, businessmen focus .....objects(Objects like??). On the other hand, I personally ........ there some aspects ....... makersowners ........

Having said ........ profit. (This is repetitive line, remove it.)
This is because business makers must maintain their business in this competitive era when many others take part in the same track as a rival.

In order to maintain the position in a competitive market of traders, merchant has to focus on marketing strategy of business. Strategy requires money and money will come from trade. So to further the business, one need money which should be the primary focus.

.........with thea good salary. ........

....that should .... Initially , Business ...... appraisal from customers offor the company. .............

.........I personally disagree and I highly likely arguebelieve that ......
Ssakshijain   
Feb 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Young people work after graduating from senior high school and before entering university [2]

Hi mita, you are continuously improving in your essays. Keep practicing and are you practicing them in a timed manner? What important is you writing in pressure of limited time given by these exams. So if you haven't yet, start practicing with a time limit now.

............there areboth benefits and drawbacks of this phenomenon.

Doing a job can help teenagers to gain moreexperience because in the workplace, they can learn practical work. .......................... complicated receipts.(what is receipts in this?)As a result, ........ specific objectsubjectthat they immerse on itareis greater ........... order to enlargeenhance their intelligence practically.

Your disadvantage is good but I think that can not be the reason. People do jobs in the middle of studies, they will pursue education and then they will know these reasons. They will do the research. In my opinion, how can you modify the disadvantage is by saying that:

If they get interested in jobs, they might think that they are getting money without study and may drop the idea of university education. Due to which, they will lack the basic scientific theory behind the job. Then you can rephrase your example according to this. Hope you are getting my point?


To sum up,.............. theory.
To sum up, doing jobs before university education increases their working capability whereas it can also divert them from studies leading to insufficient scientific knowledge.
Ssakshijain   
Feb 28, 2016
Graduate / 'heritage management and cultural landscape' - Erasmus Mundus Letter of Motivationon; "world peace" [9]

Hi Kiwi, it was a pleasure to read your essay. Minor corrections from my side. Good luck for your application.

....UNESCO will helpme make ...... Being a human, being myself, inspires me .......... administration; (Full stop here).C ommunication ........from the opposite(Can you write here what your opposite included? I think if you write others or people here that would be better if you don't have a particular name?)................... I wasan exchange student ..........
Ssakshijain   
Feb 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Advantages & disadvantage of studying abroad. Brilliant future? [4]

Hi Ankush, you are supposed to write about your study plans. What is your purpose to do this course and what will be your goal after you will get a degree? What will you do with the degree after school ? According to you, what do you think that how your study and program will benefit your country? How your studies will be useful to your home country?. Hope this helps, start writing, then post your draft here to get the review.
Ssakshijain   
Feb 26, 2016
Scholarship / 'helping, instructing Kumo Jiu Jitsu and working as a cashier'; Short written question on leadership [4]

Hi Alexander, I agree with Rebecca in context to role of leadership. What you wrote is general about leadership but I can't deduce anything particular about leadership skill you showed. Name of the student and role model thing is fascination of a child for a teacher but there is no leadership role. Also, relying on teammates for help and walking with team mates are two different things. Relying showed your weakness but taking the teammates with you altogether shows a leader. Understand the difference. Leader is the one who takes a team with him/her, in case of difficulty he take the decision and guide the whole team. It is the sense of responsibility. Can you explain your role in instructing class? How you take the place of teacher and guided the martial arts class? In my opinion, martial arts class can be a good presentation of your leadership skills.

Word limit needs to be strictly followed, you can write below 250 but not above that.
Ssakshijain   
Feb 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / How to make my favorite dish Chicken Casserole [2]

Hi Briana,
........Well one of my favorite .......It costs only twenty dollars to make this delicious casserole.
............this dish easily.
..............To start with put the ...........coverit with water ........ Bring it to a boil ........the pot. S et aside ............... bake for 5 minutes ...................$18.85. Give or take, what ......are, you .......

..... places can not beas healthy and evenare more .........
Ssakshijain   
Feb 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / To be competitive and succesful in the long run you need take a risk - TOEFL [5]

Hi Menglu, you pinpointed the actual mistake in my essay, I really appreciate that, it is quite useful for me. So lets work on your essay, you are a good writer but I can see that you did not clearly expressed your opinion in the essay. Consider the first paragraph, it is written good but when I read the prompt, I could not see the answer in it. You are ,mainly discussing about technology not about risks and new things. Technology is a good example but have you started your essay something like this:

Had the inventor of Internet/technology be scared of risks, he would not have been successful today. I hope you are able to make out the difference here. Do talk about innovations and development , but you need to tell the new idea and risk behind that development. Your second last paragraph goes well here but need to rephrase the first two paragraphs. Give an example who did not tried something new and lacks a successful career. You can also add your personal experiences here
Ssakshijain   
Feb 25, 2016
Graduate / We not only assess it but do the public health: Personal statement [NEW]

I am stucked with the last part of essay, the scholarship. How can I say that I am fit for so and so scholarship? Can anyone help me with this? Thank you for every kind of feedback. Its probably my last essay so I am trying my best to make it up to the mark. Every help is greatly appreciated. also, word limit is 600-800 and it is already crossing 800 :/.

Your personal statement is intended to give you the opportunity to submit a tailored narrative which will describe your education, experience and professional career objectives. Your personal statement should describe your:

Reasons for interest in public health
Reasons for interest in program of study and/or concentration
Reasons for interest in the school
Career goals
Applicants are encouraged to indicate their interest and fit with a specific scholarship in their personal statement.


'We don't just assess the public health, we do the public health.' This is the ideology which came out as I listened to and interacted with the faculty of Dornsife School of Public Health. I am particularly fascinated by their commitment to public health whether it's initiative of youth engagement to health awareness by ****** or work of ***** on women's health. Faculty members like ******seemed great mentors whom students aspire to have. Dornsife School will not only educate me but provide me with rigorous training and ample hands-on experience in public health field. I felt elated at the prospect of having found the launch-pad to achieve my goal of preventing health disparities in developing nations.

My immediate goal will be to gain extensive knowledge of the course and through its 8 month community masters project and 120 hours of practicum, I will learn to apply that knowledge in field area. Along with this, my purpose is to get through global health certificate program or Dornsife Global Development Scholars Program to get international health experience. I aspire to start my own volunteer organization in India to advocate the health issues. So, I will keep myself associated with multiple non-profit organizations running in NY, NJ and Philadelphia along with my studies to prepare myself for diverse culture of communities. After moving to US in March 2015, I volunteered in the environmental projects carried out in New York Battery Park as farm volunteers. Currently, I am rendering my services in nutritional education courses for kids and teenagers as a volunteer of City Harvest, New York and will continue to do so.

I chose a medical career because I was moved by the doctors working in hospitals caring for myriad patients. But when I participated in dental camps as a dental student at Swami Devi Dyal Dental Hospital and College, at Haryana (India), I realized that the patients I saw in hospitals were just the tip of the iceberg. The doctor to patient ratio in rural areas was abysmal with too far apart, ill equipped and under staffed medical centers. It disturbed me when I saw communities are suffering with thyroid disorders, vitamin deficiencies, malnourishment, anemia, TB, etc. which can be prevented. All that is required is to follow simple health measures like maintaining hygiene, clean water usage, no tobacco use, balanced nutritious diet, sex education, physical exercise, regular medical checkups and taking advantage of the free vaccination programs. This changed my perspective of medical care and intrigued me to work for the causes and prevention of diseases fostering the need of becoming a public health worker.

After undergrad education, I was offered a job in a renowned private hospital on the condition that I would bring a high number of patients to that hospital. I instead chose a state-sponsored Government hospital for observer ship. There I witnessed patients with traumatic injuries, severe infections and disabilities, diabetes, obesity, hypertension, etc. I assisted dental surgeons and learned how to effectively work in a team in emergency accident cases wherein inter-disciplinary doctors need to co-ordinate and treat the patient. These grim situations expanded my world view and steeled my decision to become a public health worker.

Due to dearth of quality public health institutions in India, I enrolled in and completed a 2 year distance education program in healthcare services along with my practice. It helped me to develop insight into mechanics of health facility through subjects like strategic management, hospital organization and research methodology. I want to cement that with MPH from a renowned institution like Dornsife School known for its vigorous approach of learning. It dawned on me that medical treatment is costly, does not have many active volunteer agencies and has low governmental focus and weak policy. As a consequence health checkups are mostly reactive rather than preventive and marginalized people do not have access to doctors and health care facilities. The doctor can only help those who come to them, but a public health worker can educate the uninitiated to help themselves. I volunteered in my community by becoming member of Dharmyog Foundation (India) to organize health camps, attended by hundreds, to help people incorporate healthier lifestyle. Many participants lost weight, lowered blood sugar and felt improved overall health with daily practice. I also took part in theatre meant for inculcating the good habits and not to get trapped in ills like drunken driving or suicides in urban areas.

My eagerness to learn about cause of diseases and how they could be prevent at the first place frames my interest in Epidemiology. I seek to support my passion for betterment of societies through MPH by enhancing my skills in research on prevention and control of human disease. My ultimate goal is to work with WHO to bring a change in lives of people through health promotion.
Ssakshijain   
Feb 25, 2016
Graduate / Thoughts of a 99 years old on his deathbed; SOP for MA in International Studies (Studying abroad) [6]

Hi Mathias, Firstly, this is SOP not an application, so try to make a difference between their formats, so remove the last line. Secondly, do mention your prompt when you submit your essay. Do everyone knows what is AP degree or EU law? Elaborate it, don't use abbreviations at first place, its the formal essay. Even if everyone knows, it will not harm your essay as you have enough words.
Ssakshijain   
Feb 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2: the purpose of the existence of university [3]

Hi mita, firstly, please change the "whilst" with "while". I am not saying that this is wrong, both while and whilst have same meanings but "whilst" is not used in standard english. So try to write "while" instead of "whilst". Also, you tend to use extra words which make the essay wordy. Avoid saying same meaning in different lines/words.

I did not get any strong opinion from you, similar mistake in your essays. I repeat prompt asked you to show the opinion. So, even if you mentioning both the opinions, try to strongly address one opinion. For an example if you write one good point of each opinion, try to write two good points of the opinion you hold. There are other prompts too asking to express both the views then you are supposed to be neutral but in this prompt, where you need to discuss then give the opinion, you need to hold one opinion. Please go through this and then practice more essays.
Ssakshijain   
Feb 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Cell phones have some benefits, but they increase car accidents. TOEFL integrated essay [2]

However, the speaker doubts this idea by affirming that the use of cell phones on highways saveshas saved many lives. For instance, the use of themcell phones to report about car accidents, road hazards and rash drivers reduces the response time of intervention which saves many lives.

To sum up, the benefits of cell phones outweigh their drawbacks.

you need to summarize, not to give your own opinion. So in conclusion, write :
To sum up, the speaker has outweighed the drawbacks mentioned by author in the reading passage by refuting them with explanations. Something like this.

It was a good attempt but somehow I feel you can explain more. Hope this helps :)
Ssakshijain   
Feb 17, 2016
Graduate / This changed my perspective of medical care- why you chose public health. [2]

. Your personal statement should describe your:
•Reasons for interest in public health
•Reasons for interest in program of study and/or concentration
•Reasons for interest in the school or program
•Career goals

I am looking for every kind of feedback whether grammar mistake or sentence structure. Thank you in advance for every feedback of yours.


"Everything hinges on education. Without it, you can't advocate for proper health care, for housing, for a civil rights bill that ensures your rights." - Susan L. Taylor.

Pursuing Masters of Public Health is my step to gain that education towards my goal to work for renowned health organizations like WHO or UNICEF to benefit the population at large in times where, according to WHO statistics, the global health workforce shortage is expected to reach 12.9 million by 2035. Being a dental surgeon, I realized that dental treatment is costly, is urban concentrated, does not have many active volunteer agencies and has low governmental focus and weak policy. As a consequence dental checkups are mostly reactive than preventive and marginalized people do not have access to doctors and health care facilities. The program from Rutgers School of Public Health along with its training would help me to acquire the skills with required education for working as a public health leader.

I chose medical career because as a child I was fascinated by the persona of white-coat attired doctors in hospitals caring for myriad patients. When I partook in rural dental camps as a dental student at ********* College, at Haryana (India), I diagnosed and treated under-privileged patients with primary dental care, delivered education on oral health including talking about the ill effects of chronic smoking, tobacco & betel-nut chewing. This experience made me realize that the patients I saw in hospitals were just the tip of the iceberg. The doctor to patient ratio in rural areas was abysmal with too far apart, ill equipped and under staffed medical centers. It disturbed me when I recognized that the urban healthcare system is not serving under-privileged people who are not being exposed to simple preventive health measures like maintaining hygiene, clean water usage, no tobacco use, balanced nutritious diet, sex education, physical exercise and taking advantage of the free vaccination programs and fluoridation programs. This changed my perspective of medical care and intrigued me to work for the causes and prevention of diseases along with their treatment fostering the need of becoming a Public Health Worker.

My zeal to learn about cause of diseases and how they could be prevent at the first place frames my interest in Epidemiology. With academic knowledge and practical training, I endeavor to advance my field experience through Rutgers School. As an under-grad student, I learned basics of oral epidemiology like calculation of indices for caries and periodontal diseases, studied about screening tests for cancerous lesions and disease patterns in population. Now I want to pursue broader aspects of dental care and epidemiology, increasing my knowledge about reasons of major outbreak of oral ailments prevailing in developing nations and how to affect a change in health policies by pursuing Masters of Public Health (MPH). The doctor can only help those who come to them, but a public health worker can educate the uninitiated to help themselves.

After undergrad education, I chose to spend my time as an observer at a state sponsored Government hospital. I witnessed patients with traumatic injuries, disabilities and severe infections - many a times with, unknown cause and limited accessibility to health services. These grim situations expanded my world view and steeled my decision to become a public health worker. I assisted dental surgeons in surgeries and learned how to comfort terminally ill patients, to treat disabled patients, to manage time considering the long queue of patients and to effectively work in a team in emergency accident cases wherein inter-disciplinary doctors need to co-ordinate and treat the patient. These experiences have equipped me with skills of emergency care as well as handling of incapacitated patients with compassion and diligence.

My in-depth knowledge and zeal to serve landed me a job in private clinic, Oral Rehabilitation and Implant Centre, a distinguished private clinic with daily patients in excess of 50, as an associate dentist where I treated patients independently. Impressed by my manual skills, confidence, decision making and ability to work in a team, my employer (Dr.*****) often delegated me to responsibility to run the whole clinic in his absence. Due to dearth of quality public health institutions in India, I enrolled in and completed a 2 year distance education program in healthcare services along with my practice. It helped me to develop insight into mechanics of health facility through subjects like strategic management, hospital organization and research methodology. I want to cement that with MPH from a renowned institution like Rutgers School of Public Health known for its interdisciplinary approach and research to improve health and prevent disease in diverse populations. Along with my practice and studies, I volunteered in my community by becoming member of Dharmyog Foundation (India) to organize health camps, attended by hundreds, to help people incorporate healthier lifestyle. After moving to US in March 2015, I rendered my services in the nutritional education course for kids in New York School as well as in environmental projects as farm volunteers carried out in New York Battery Park.

I perceived that plight of health issues is worldwide and I seek to support my passion for betterment with possibility to hone my skills for research on prevention and control of human disease through MPH. I am keen to participate in program to stretch my boundaries and to explore the dimensions of healthcare industry on a global scale. I endeavor to advance my leadership qualities through innovative techniques and field experience by your school. After MPH, I look forward to 1 year dental public health program which is available in Rutgers School only. With academic knowledge and practical training, I am hankering after to start my own volunteer organization to advocate the health issues in the most needed places in my native country. My experience and zest to make a mark in the lives of poorest inspires me to progress further on a career towards global health with a focus on fieldwork instead of merely academic research. I believe MPH degree from Rutgers School will advance my efforts to attain health objectives at both national and international level.
Ssakshijain   
Jan 5, 2016
Graduate / Personal statement for admission to Columbia University [3]

This is of 467 words:) Word limit is 500. Thank you for every feedback. This is for admission to MPH program.

Why you are interested in Public health program and what interests you in the specified department?


My education of dental surgery program and subsequent dental practice has guided me to pursue MPH. This was my first exposure to the fact that dentists had a hand in general healthcare as well. A dentist is tasked to look for general diseases in order to help people develop their dental hygiene. That was when I came to understand that I played a major role in preventing oral disease and promoting public health. In India, dental treatment is costly, has a weak governmental policy and does not have many active volunteer agencies. As a consequence dental checkups are mostly reactive than preventive and marginalized people are left to fend for themselves. A dentist only treats those who come to them whereas public health organizations and workers serve the community on enhancing preventive measures along with dental education thereby improving overall dental health at the first place. Pursuing Masters of Public Health is my first step towards my goal to become an asset for renowned health organizations like WHO, UNESCO to champion the dental health policies and strategies. As a dental surgeon, I came to learn about the basic oral epidemiology of a community by calculating indices for caries and periodontal diseases. I had to learn how to diagnose pre-cancerous and cancerous lesions and the effects of poor oral habits such as tobacco or alcohol consumption. I expect my MPH to help enlighten me about the broader aspect of epidemiology by bolstering my knowledge in the event of a major outbreak of oral ailments prevailing in India and how can I make a change in Indian system.

What intrigues me more is how we can promote oral health in community apart from providing basic education on dental hygiene maintenance? What type of dental policies can we make to make especially the population at high risk live healthier? What type of diseases affect the population and which areas are mostly affected? I want to cement my education with degree and certification from a renowned institution like Mailman School Of Public Health. While taking the course I will expand my knowledge and experience in relation to global health issues that are focused on issues like poverty reduction, maternal health, prevention of neonatal and child mortality, infectious diseases, environmental sanitation, and access to safe drinking water, and rising rates of chronic diseases.These issues are present in most of the developing nations including India and a global health certificate program will prime me to participate in actions working for these causes. I believe your prestigious institute will equip me with the required skills and training to help me to bolster my efforts to make oral and general health a priority in India healthcare by doing research and promoting knowledge about necessary oral healthcare.
Ssakshijain   
Jan 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - THE MOST ESSENTIAL DISCOVERY [4]

Hi Nur

Here are my suggestions:

..but internet is perhaps the most essential discovery which has changed the way of people liveslifestyle of people completely
or which has changed the way the people live...you have mentioned way but way of what??? ...

Hey when I read the prompt and read your essay, I some how thinking different. The prompt does not ask about the positive and negative aspects of Internet but how it has changed lives from our past. So I guess, I would be more writing towards the contrast between past and present, time without internet and with internet. This is my view of reading the question, has it asked that internet has affected people lives in positive way. What do you think, then I would be writing what you wrote. But prompt said that it is the important invention so according to me you need to think different whether you see any difference or not and how much different? Difference from the old days when there was no net, so may be we can show the difference. For example, people in older days used telegrams or post cards but now it has changed. Then you can mention this point. Regarding crime rates, may be that in past days, there was no net, so no fear of being caught or internet hacking, but internet has interfered with security. You can mention the positive and negative but you should compare it with past in your essay and show the difference. Hope it helps:)
Ssakshijain   
Dec 31, 2015
Letters / I am applying for a Medical Summer Program at GTU, and some Criticism would be really helpful! [3]

Hi Dany

If you are sure, you haven't copied from anywhere, then there is no need to worry. Universities know which essay is plagiarized and which is not, through numerous software. You have written a good essay, minor change from my side. Happy new year and good luck for your future:)

At Georgetown, I will be able to get out of my comfort zone and try new things. Do not say things, be more specific: new ideas/innovations/experiences
Ssakshijain   
Dec 31, 2015
Undergraduate / The University of Michigan fits every criteria for me in terms of being in the college [2]

Hi Abdul,

Here are my suggestions:

I want to apply to the university of Michigan for a variety of reasons. The first is because it is a very good school that is nationally recognized for it's academics. it's one of the best schools for the major i am hoping to pursue. I hope major in business and pursue graduate studies in law. The university of Michigan has a great business and law school that i think would be ideal places to earn a degree and start a career

The introduction is too general, every university is well known and a good school. Try to start your essay with unique quality that intrigued you to join university. Just go through their website and try to gain as much knowledge as you can about them and then make a good start in essay. Ok you have mentioned good points about university, you may start your essay with "The program actively promotes action based learning and is a guarantee of professional success " these lines: that's what I think. Starting with university is good school and nationally recognized , best for majors ...doesn't sound so attractive to me. May be you can add them in between but try to write the first line as unique as you can. Hope this helps.

Happy new year and wish you luck
:)

Ssakshijain   
Dec 31, 2015
Undergraduate / Describe two or three of your current intellectual interests and why they are exciting to you. [2]

Hi Kyla

Here are my suggestions. Hope this helps ) amazing yet suck-ish. Such-ish (I don't know if its intentional or you made a spelling mistake here?)is a fifth grade adjective to describe the world and humanity as we know it but I belivebelieve it's fitting.

As a teenager living in the twenty first century in wealthy country, (put comma) it's easy to complain about ....

However my sophomore year Imade me realizerealized that complaints started to shift from personal problems to political or social problems. I went through many emotions including anger, disgust, sadness until finally they all formulated into just one: (no full stop ) Frustration.

Two thingsissues/concern/problems (avoid using word things, but be specific) that currently interest me more than anything are building my leadership skills and how I can apply those skills to the world to make it a little less suckish.

That thought brought me to political science and thats when I realized I want to be a politician, An influential politician, An authentic leader and representative for America (you have been missing to put commas )

My talent is that I know my passion for my greater purpose
(I could not get this line>?? )
Ssakshijain   
Dec 31, 2015
Writing Feedback / WRITING IELTS-TASK 2 The benefits and drawbacks of the education development [2]

Hi Asmaniatur

Here are my suggestions:

Nowadays, many student complete their study and get the graduation from domestic universities whereas in recent years, the students finished and completed it from their own-country universities

How will you distinguish domestic and own-country universities? I am finding them same, I would have written national and international universities. Do you mean state or national universities? You can use better contrasting words by describing more??

....which will be discussed in this essay.
Never say such words, just write what you want to say. Saying that it has both advantages and disadvantages on student life or human life would be enough, it is explanatory that you will be discussing this in your essay, so no need to mention this rather spend your time in writing more about your reasons. It is no doubt that studying abroad creates several drawbacks for students which ....affect to the development of their country. In brief, studying abroad may affect the several negativeness for the students.

You have numerous spelling mistakes, but before that I would say that your meaning is not clear in the essay. I will write a paragraph for you below to make you understand about the structure of the essay. Hope this helps:)


To be the overseas student not only gives several drawbacks but ...

Development in education has added many advantages too in student life. Firstly, students get a chance to work and study in diverse cultures learning about different lifestyles, cultures and languages. This made them more flexible to incorporate themselves in any work culture as compared to students who study among one community only. Furthermore, studying in developed nations like Germany could add to their knowledge and experience regarding a subject especially benefitting medical students. Therefore, the quality of life is improved in the students by studying with multinational people.
Ssakshijain   
Dec 31, 2015
Graduate / If you want to cure, become a doctor : MPH application essay. [14]

Hey Louisa, never ever, you are welcome always for the suggestions, I fear if you will get tired of me :D I am good in listening so feel free to criticize my essay, I will do my best to make it up to the mark.

Regarding the health camp, it was in my native religious community, that is the reason I mentioned native community, I doubt if someone would understand the name or it may look weird?? Its name is religious only, So should I mention that ? Its Dharmyog Meditation Camp?
Ssakshijain   
Dec 29, 2015
Graduate / If you want to cure, become a doctor : MPH application essay. [14]

Thanks again Louisa, I have started working on my essay now and would love to see you again here. I will not mind writing it again and again till it becomes good to submit. Hope you would not mind either proofreading it again and again :D though I will try to reduce the mistakes in my every effort:) Good day and thank you :)
Ssakshijain   
Dec 29, 2015
Graduate / If you want to cure, become a doctor : MPH application essay. [14]

Hey Louisa, thanks a lot. Your suggestions always help me. Louisa, before fixing my essay, I have one query regarding conclusion part " I want to cement that with MPH from a renowned institution like ***(university name )******known for its interdisciplinary approach and research to address the most pressing global health issues.".

I am so sorry, I mentioned the prompt in short earlier. So now what you think should I removed that part or not?

Once again, thanks a ton and I really appreciate your time and effort on my essay and will post the new draft soon keeping your suggestions in mind . Thank you :)

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