Undergraduate / Are we preconditioned to prefer certain types of Music? an inquiry essay [5]


Hey, I forgot to tell you. It is always good to include the topic or the prompt here so that others get a better understanding about the task and then they can align their comments more with the task related requirements :)

OfOut of all the questions that appear in music, the most persistent one for me is why I prefer certain types of music to others.

Writing Feedback / What are the advantages and disadvantages for children of watching TV? IELTS [4]


This sentence does not add much value to your essay. The reader anyway expects you to do that in forthcoming body paras and therefore this sounds a bit too stereotype :(

It is nicer and more effective to conclude your introduction with a clear statement that conveys your opinion on the issue to the reader. That helps you keep convincing the reader why you hold that opinion.

Writing Feedback / People who achieved incredible success in their life seem not to encounter a failure. [8]


Hey, this sentence lacks logic :( Almost every successful person had many failures on their path to success and also after being successful too they may encounter failures time to time.

Writing Feedback / 'relieve tension' - Going to a new school is exciting / frustratating [4]

What is the purpose of writing this essay? Is this for TOEFL or IELTS? It is always better the purpose in the title itself so that we get a better understanding about why you wrote it and accordingly we can align our comments :)

Changing places is always a challenging experience for every ageseverybody be it a child or an adultranging from children to adults. When kids follow their parents moving to new city, they have to face a lot of problems in their new schools.

Graduate / SOP for PhD in Recycled Concrete Aggregates. [7]

Yes, I hope you should pay attention to the guideline structure what Pahan has suggested.


Tell how this particular university would help you achieve these goals. Always link your aspirations with what the course can offer. They need to know your seriousness in pursuing the program and therefore you need to show that you have researched well about their college and the program :)

Essays / Cyber bullying need to stop - how to write? [5]

First, we need to know clearly what your research topic is. Is it about how dangerous cyber bulling? How cyber bullying happens via social networks? Is it an alarmingly increasing trend? Whatever it is , you need to be clear about what topic you are going to present. Then do your first draft and post it here. We would give our feedbacks as to how you can improve your paper.

Writing Feedback / Such a surprised day! Yesterday's weather was hard. It was changeable. [3]

What is the purpose of writing this essay? Is this for keeping journal records? You should tell us the purpose so that we would have a better understanding about what your objective is.


All these features added to a grey and dull Thursday.


When I arrived office, I was informed with such a pleasant news that tomorrow is going to be a day off for us.

Undergraduate / Why I want to attend the Naval Academy Essay [5]


... serve what? who? Need to specify;


Since I was young I found my overwhelming urge to serve my nation. My family background may have inspired this desire because both my grandfather (served the US Navy for thirty years) and father (served thirty two years in law enforcement) both took pride in their long services at the US Navy.

Scholarship / SCHOLARSHIP- Degree in Accounting; personal development /career aspirations [4]


Better straight away tell from which country you are;

I am Abhina Mishra from Nepal and as a student from a third world country, I need to consider many constraints before applying for a college in the USA, which is, in my view, the best place to pursue a higher education. It almost looks like a distant dream when I think of ways to meet the costs of the courses.

Letters / IELTS: Letter to foreign country friend, starting an import-export business [6]


...Hey, the right word is rewritten and not rewrotten.
write (present tense) / wrote (past tense) / written (past participle)

As you know, I am living in a mainland city so that the forestry is very thrivea thriving business in my hometown, which result in a prosper timber chair trade.

Well, forestry is about the science or practice of planting, managing, and caring for forests. So, it is about preserving and taking care of forests and not about cutting trees for industries. So I don't get your idea here :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS: mobile phone; "Iron man" / "Weichat" - destroy social interactions? [8]

In the first place, as people increasingly tend to focus and relay on phones, they may lose their interest onin daily activities like meeting with their friends so that distraction may be developed during study or social activities

This sentence is too long. Do not lengthen the sentences too much because the reader would have to keep memorizing so many details which would make him tired. So the reader would not find your writing interesting :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Question about the influence of the media coverage of celebrities [8]

Well, the structures that I and Pahan have already suggested to you in our previous comments are the best I can think of for this task. They contain all necessary features for you to earn a good score. Also, when you practice according that flow, you will be able to handle time effectively at the exam. You have to bear in mind that time is the most critical factor when answering these tasks :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1; region and by gender for the year 2000. [9]


For this task, it is better to have an OVERVIEW rather than a CONCLUSION because this task is not a normal essay writing task, but a task that aims at assessing your report writing skills.

A conclusion is your final judgement or opinion. For the task 2 essay you need to have that because it is based on an argument or issue. However, Task 1 asks expects a report of your observations without analysis or opinions. On the other hand, an "overview" is a simple description of the main points. It is a summary of the information shown in the graph or chart.

Graduate / Graduate Personal statement - MPH; St John's University (International Organizations) [4]

After endless research on universities and programs, I found the program at St John's University to be appealing.appeals me the most.

Well, I get your teacher's point. Without keep telling about general things, try to align the features of St John's with how you are going to achieve your own goals. Then it would sound more specific :)

Letters / IELTS: Letter to foreign country friend, starting an import-export business [6]

Good advice by Pahan. Yes, they will certainly expect you to write an informal letter for this prompt :)


I was very pleased to receive your letter after quite a long time and I was also happy to learn about your new business venture. I am here to offer you any support you need from this end, dear friend.

Writing Feedback / IELTSTask1: Music choice VS Pop parade music [7]

First, you need to improve a lot on the structure. Pahan's guideline is pretty good to follow and I hope you'll re do this according to that and re-post it here for our feedbacks :)


This sentence is pretty too long. This is your body para that discusses trends in detail with the support of facts and figures. So, when your sentences are too long, then it would extremely difficult for the reader to follow :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS task II Learning by Gadgets than books. [6]

Yes, your intro is overly lengthy. Hope you pay serious attention to what Pahan has suggested.

Scholarship / Contribution to mission of Nurse corps in providing care. [2]

Issues like salary potential, lifestyle preferences, and cultural atmospheres may push professionals towards otheraway from their communities.

Commitment of health professionals to care for individuals in disadvantaged areas can fill some of the cracksgaps in this vital issue.


... scores or levels?

Writing Feedback / The most beneficial discovery in last 100 years - internet invention; many impacts [7]


Well, I am not giving scores for your essays because I truly do not have any such experience. However, I can help you aligning your essay with something that can earn a very good score. About the word count, you need to meet at least the minimum word count requirement. In my view, more than the number of words, your essay needs better presentation in terms of structure, facts, grammar and flow. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Question about the influence of the media coverage of celebrities [8]

Your body paras need specific examples to support your reasons.

Writing Feedback / progress is always precarious; every step toward it brings suffering, sacrifices [6]

Follow Pahan's suggestion seriously if you intend to score for this task.


This is your opening sentence and it should have the ability to hook your reader throughout your writing. So it should be a catchy sentence which is preferably shorter, interesting, meaningful and relevant to your topic. Follow this approach for the intro;

Writing Feedback / 'Internet is helping humankind for getting information important from corner of the world' [15]

From other sideOn the other hand, the internet brings us problems because we access to so much informationthere is no limitation with regard to having access to various websites. Some of these websites operate with very dangerous objectives that can harm our society. For instance, a lawyer from Jakarta whosethe name is Abbas, He was Maya's lawyer....

who is this Maya? You need to introduce that person because we do not know him or her !

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1; Cinema attendance in the UK [9]

In general Overall, it can be seen to the graph tahtthat the number of britishBritish citizens who attended the cinema had increased slowly fromduring the period 1990 to 2010 though there had been several fluctuations during the said period.

inIn 1990 to 2000, aged 14 to 54 the graph relative fluctuated.


This is a pretty confusing sentence and it does not deliver any clear idea. I think you should remove this sentence from your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1. Estimated world illiteracy [9]


This should have come after the intro as the OVERVIEW , which describes the general trends of the graphical presentation very briefly, without much details.

Speeches / IELTS speaking - Describe a time when you helped someone [6]


It is absolutely ok for you to make comments on others essays. There are many others like you and this forum believes in the talents of all our members and respects everybody's rights. You do not have to be proficient in English to make a comment. You can share your experiences. Our forum believes in collaboration and we want everybody to help every other person. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Freedom in showing creation is the right for every creative artist [7]

Even having the first line as it is you can quickly take a good entrance to the background of your topic;
Freedom of expression is highly valued in any democratic society. This is the reason why it is believed that artists should be given the total freedom to express their feelings and beliefs through their creative works. However, some people view that there should be certain restrictions on what the artists create.

Writing Feedback / Keep Senior Citizens Away From Cars [3]

This tradition was passed down from generation to generation in my family.
However, (little did I know that) behind this respected moral tradition lied a dark secret


Well, these two lines are pretty confusing for me. I think you need to rephrase them to deliver your idea more clearly :(

Writing Feedback / compare and contrast your fashion style with that of someone you know [3]


Sure .... will do :)
First, a small request - Open these type of essays for which you expect a feedback on your writing in the WRITING FEEDBACK forum.


....no grammar issues, but you can improve presentation of this idea;
Most of the sisters have lots of things in common and so do I and my sister.


We share the same body type, skin color and hair.


So the size of our cloths are the same.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement; 'Life is full of challenges' [6]


I had taken up endless challenges in life until I reached this age.


My life began in Logar Province of Afghanistan. However, my family moved into Jozjan, another province in my country when I was only few months old and that is where I began my schooling at an elementary school.


... this sentence is too very long :(
Also, it does not deliver any interesting idea too.... better take it off

Writing Feedback / IELTS - GT: On recent Holiday you lost valuable item, claim to insurance [3]


This letter is not an informal letter which you write to a known person. This is an official letter that you write to get an insurance claim. So, it is a formal letter. The above sentence is not so appropriate for a formal letter :(


Here, the most important point is to tell them that you have an insurance cover with their company. So you need to give the details of your cover for them to trace your records in their files. In the introduction you need to do that.

Speeches / IELTS speaking - Describe a time when you helped someone [6]

My first question is that whether you have been able to manage time for this task. I am really not in favor of writing the answers for speaking tasks because you cannot simply memorize answers. In speaking tasks, confidence matters much more than it does in other tasks. So, all what you can do is have a framework ready to answer the question. :)

Undergraduate / Nursing School Application Essay - 'I want to make a difference' [5]


I think this can be a better hook for your essay. I mean you can start with this point and then go on to explain how you perceive nursing and what you intend to do with that profession. That seems to be a better logical arrangement.


It's nicer and more emotional had you isolated a particular incident and a nurse/ nurses here. Give more focus to a particular event.

Writing Feedback / "I am glad that my mother didn't give up"; most intelligent and beautiful lady in our town [3]

Today, as I write this, I recall the memories that were never swept out of my mind. (stop here)whileI was sitting in my own office of the Pakistani Ambassador in the US.


It seems you drag a bit too longer than you should have. It is nicer if start telling us the story after a couple of lines :)

Undergraduate / Are we preconditioned to prefer certain types of Music? an inquiry essay [5]

My entire life has been influenced through the arts, specificallyby all forms of art and especiall y music.


Coming from a great artistic family, I remember my father playing loud rock music on his guitar at home.


This nurtured my strong admiration for the guitar and I too played guitar with many bands.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Underground railway systems; 'London has been the oldest' [6]

Well, this task is to assess your report writing skills and report writing is different from writing an ordinary essay. You need to present facts in a concise manner and you need to adopt a more formal approach. Therefore, the introduction can be very short and there is no need of describing all six cities, but you should include the time period if there's any. The above approach which I suggested in my earlier comment is the best I came across so far for this task :)

Undergraduate / My teacher want paragraph about a good OR a bad childhood experience i had ,, [7]

I remember one day my mother forced me to sleep before 1:00 pm before closing the channel cartoons. And she slept with me to make sure I slaptwould sleepor no . In fact I didn't a sleep but a wakekept myself awake and waited until my mother fell asleep.I waited my mother to sleep . Then crawled out from under the bed and opened the door and go to watched cartoonschannels.After sometimeSometimes she got up and she didn't see mefound me I have got out ofon the bed. And she was a screamed with angerand get angry.

Writing Feedback / Cultural differences should be welcomed by everyone [6]


The answer is yes and no both :D
Your introduction and first body para are aligned with the question, but not the second body para.

Scholarship / Scholarship for Master / Fashion Designers often consider themselves artists [7]


Fashion Designers often consider themselves artists and so do I. Therefore I am keen on receiving a grant or a scholarship that can relieve me from financial burdens on tuition, books and other academic expenses and letting me fully concentrate on my artistic designs .

I always want to be a good role model to my sibling and to my colleagues with whom I worked in the last 14 yrs.

Scholarship / essay for master scholarships (NZAID); New Zealand & universities [6]


Based on my findings, New Zealand is the home for many world class universities that offer quality and advance courses, especially in engineering.

As a civil engineering student, I wish I can getto obtain the best education, lecturer that I cannot get, whichin Indonesia in civil engineeringis unlikely to offer me.

Graduate / grad school statement of purpose - why do i want to do research ? [2]

If you have subdivided those sections on your own, it is better you re-do this SOP to flow as an essay with more creativity. However, if those are the questions asked by them, then you can ignore my above comment. The SOP is generally presented to grab their attention to you as a person and therefore you would be at an advantage if it is presented more creatively. That's the point I was trying to explain :)