Book Reports / A thousand splendid suns by Khaled Hosseini is a story of two young afghan women! [5]

Great! Anna already fixed it. "Allows" is okay, but "enables" is also okay to use. But you can't say "ables."

This thesis statement is not "arguable." Make it arguable by saying something more specific. What you have here is just a description of the work. You can make it arguable by asserting something that others might debate with.

For example, you can say that Hosseini uses a style that reveals a preoccupation with __________.

Or you can say Hosseini's work seems to reflect situations from his childhood.

Say something that is your own idea about the novel.

:-)

Scholarship / Lowe's: Converint to Ecofriendlyism [2]


nice description!!

"Yuckkk!" I could not believe that I had talked...

As much as I wanted to, by dropping the ...

Holding on my breath for dear life, I quickly dumped the object into the soot black trash bag where other foul contents laid.--- this is the last sentence of your first paragraph, so it should answer their prompt. Express the answer here at the end of the first para.

I told myself that _______ would be rewarding to me because of the value of __________, and I was right.

or something...

:-)

Scholarship / Scholarship essay - my main purpose/motivation for teaching English abroad [4]


nice...

I could not find ways to improve it until the end! Here is my idea:
...confident that I have the necessary maturity and skill set to venture...

or...

confident that I have the maturity and skill set necessary for venturing abroad, not just as another traveler or another student, but also as an active participant in the process of change and as a representative of my country.

Essays / Topic Outline and Thesis Statement Guide for Capital Punishment. [11]

Are you just asking for someone to do the work so that you can concentrate on other things? Get focused, now, because this is where you lay the foundation. It's no joke; when you get older, your ability to communicate in a methodical way will be important in everything you do!

So, learn this art.

apurnell.com/cs1readings/ElementsAndStructure.htm

Undergraduate / JACKSONVILLE UNIVERSITY: Summarize your present academic & career goals. [12]


Yes, that sounds like the same things we all do. But those just represent the scenery. Within those contexts, some profound business ideas that will set a good example for the world's entrepreneurs.

Also, I found this:
...downward slide that has perhaps been aided driven, in part, by the invite of inexpensive imports from Japan beginning in the 1930's, to the removal of over 75% of American manufacturing since the 1970s.

a downward slide is not something that is "aided," not really. And cheap is judgmental in a way that inexpensive is not. :-)

Grammar, Usage / The more "criminal" of the two writing style: Cliched and Cheesy vs Boring? [5]


Ha ha, that is cute. Me too, sometimes.

Boring makes comprehension difficult and hurts the reader's brain. Cheesy an cliched can at least entertain. If something was cliched and cheesy but not boring, it must have been cool in some way.

So.. boring is definitely worse, in my opinion. Something that is boring but not cheesy is still boring, but something that is cheesy but not boring is okay.

Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]


Yes, that's where we have to remind ourselves that the cheaters just lack confidence and feel unable to do what others can do. So, we have to have compassion. But still, it is good to guard your work! That's why we encourage everyone to set up an EssayForum membership with their full names so that the name appears next to the essay with the date it was posted, etc.

After a while, with so many schools and applications, I bet everything ends up sounding the sme as everything else. I think Nikita mentioned in another thread that she loves Strunk and White's Elements of Style (I do too). It is one good resource for developing your own unique, powerful style. Even if people steal some of my words, they can't steal my style of expression.

:-)

Essays / Thesis statement for an argumentative essay about music [8]

That's a great discussion, Britt. It is interesting that good speakers know how to keep a melodious quality to their voices; this is the sort of thing that makes you think again about the definition of music.

That explanation for thesis statements is great, too.

Related: is this thesis statement about music good?

Music is everywhere, we listen to music throughout our lives, there are many type of music, such as rock & roll, classical, country, marching band and operas.

or should i write more? my essay is about classifaction/divide essay

This thesis statement is probably a bit too narrow. As it is, I cannot tell what it is going to be about, as all you have provided is a broad definition. As this is, it's not really a thesis statement but rather an opening sentence, a "hook" to get readers interested. Your thesis should start out broad and then narrow down to the exact statement near the end, much like a funnel. You should include something about classification and division in the essay, and a great amount of detail as to what you will be classifying or dividing.

I hope this helps. Refer to: https://essayforum.com/graduate/good-entrance-application-long-792/

Undergraduate / 'I had one opponent, I lost!' - person who has impacted you [3]

During sophomore year, I was running for vice president of community outreach for my schools student council. I only had one opponent: Zoe.

Above, you need "during," and you also need that colon. However, I don't like it so much with the colon. How about:

Zoe was my only opponent.


excellent description!

This is a big run-on sentence, a triple sentence (below). I'll fix it with parentheses:
The next semester I was hesitant to run for student council (the sting of disappointment was still there), but I defied my fears and ended up winning.

Undergraduate / University of Florida essay-- my experience in Slovakia [4]


Right after this sentence, an example would be good. Give a short sentence (try to do it in 10 words or fewer!) that gives an example of that.

Your theme becomes clear at the end,but it is bland at the end of the last paragraph. You write SO well, and this insight you found is perfect, so... write a sentence that captures this theme of appreciation rather than excess in Slovakia, and add it at the end of the first paragraph.

Undergraduate / Eugene Lang- Tell us a time you were the minority [4]

Well, add a paragraph in which you give a useful idea, a bit of wisdom that came to you from the experience.

:-)

It was 4:30 pm on a Friday afternoon .

You don't have to say both pm and afternoon.

I was searching for a lane at the grocery store to buy mini apple tarts. Cool, great detail!!

The store was crowded, and the lines were long, and it was an unpleasant situation. As I darted towards cashier number one, I accidentally ran into an elderly woman's shopping cart. I repeatedly apologized and began to turn a bright shade of red. She turned her head slightly, and proceeded to give me a ...

Writing Feedback / Compare and Contrast Paragraph - Frogs and Toads [2]


I think you could come up with something more interesting as the first sentence! :-)

It might be nicer like this:

...are alike and also different.

Writing Feedback / Some people prefer to work for large company. I belong to the technical domain [2]

The choice of company for an individual generally depends upon two factors -- namely, the salary package and the position offered.

Large companies and small companies differ in certain ways in the treatment of an employee.

companies = more than one
You did it correctly below:
For instance, the visibility is more in small companies as compared to large companies which is followed by greater responsibility.

:-)

Undergraduate / I attended a school in Bahrain; Educational Path essay, UM [4]


Right after this, you can improve the credibility of the whole essay with a bit of explanation:
Unfortunately, the school was unable to provide an environment that encouraged learning; a lack of funding caused the typical school day to be _____________________, and the learning process was made dysfunctional by the __________________________ that characterized Bahrain in recent years.

:-)

The first part of the essay can be improved with this explanation, because the reader will know that it really was the school's inadequacy rather than your rebelliousness.

For the last half: Specify a few schools of thought in psych that resonate with you! Google around about existentialist psychology, cognitive psychology, psychoanalytic, etc., so that you can give at least one sentence about your plans as a psychologist. Good choice, by the way!

Writing Feedback / Why do you want to be a part of Teach for India? [5]

This has a lot of wisdom. I like your way of thinking; maybe teaching is your calling, because you have intuition about how to make that spark.

Education is a light which enlightens a person in the same way a lamp brightens a dark room. But in order to ignite the light of education in a person, a teacher plays a vital role the role of the lamp carrier . (add a sentence here about the teacher connecting with the student's inner self). Education is not only a means for sustenance but also a means for the growth of inner self. In my sixteen years of educational life, I've considered education as a process to not only sharpen our brains but also a method of igniting our thoughts.

Grammar, Usage / Kevin has a question... What is an essay? [22]


You made a great point. An essay can be art, craft, or anywhere in between? I don't know if this is accurate, but I think of the difference between an art and a craft as the difference between free, 1.) formless expression and 2.) following a procedure.

To whatever extent a craft expresses creativity, it is an art. I guess most things are somewhere between art and craft.

Stephen King wrote a book about writing and called it "Memoirs of the craft"
LeGuin wrote a book about writing and called it "Steering the Craft"

so... smart writers think of writing as a craft, and not just an art.

Graduate / academic background, interests, study, activities, career plan - SOP [8]


Well, one suggestion is to not repeat the word business over and over like this. The thing to do is focus on what you really want to do. Saying "business" does not mean much. Describe the kind of business you want to be involved in and what strategies you might use. If you don't have any strategies in mind, you must not be the kind of student who has a vision for the future, and your essay will reflect that. The plan you describe will be superficial.

Similarly, if you don't have any ideas about why you want to be in the UK, your ideas will be superficial. you mention "exposure, opportunities, challenges, rewards and satisfaction," but these are just abstract concepts that are not particularly linked to the UK.

Maybe your business plan is intended for enactment in the UK. Google: how to write a business plan.

You wrote a beautiful sentence about the importance about imagining the future. I think you should read some books while you are imagining, so that your imagining can turn into planning. For example, do some imagining while you read Good to Great by Collins, and you will start to get deep insight into business... insight that even adults do not have.

You are ready now to make a real plan and enact it. It'll change, but come up with a tentative plan for now and describe it in these little essays! I think you already know what is missing; it's the plan!!! :-)

Undergraduate / a piece of architecture- Sydney Opera House [9]

Your English is very good with just a few mistakes! :-)

Before you post your essay, make sure you capitalize all the occurrences of "I." That way, people who want to help you can concentrate their attention on other matters.

Also, look for typos, like the one below:


Who are you talking about when you say "everyone?"

The roof of the house is covered in a subtle, unique pattern which has images of white shells. shape .

Undergraduate / 'women's basketball' - what most influenced you to apply to Ohio State [2]

Princeton Review ever showed me that OSU's motto...

This motto attracts compels me to search for more information about...

In this case, I believe OSU.

This being the case, I believe OSU's _______ program is perfect for me.

Wow, you give great explanations of your intentions! also, your final sentence is very well-written.

:-)

Essays / Proper way to insert images into college-level paper [4]


This makes it sound like they want a section written about each add, and they want a copy of the ad submitted WITH the paper.

However, many nice papers have images pasted right into the paper, centered. Right click the image and you will see an option to add a caption (if you are working in Microsoft Word).

Most importantly, ask the teacher about this. You should always feel free to communicate with teachers about this sort of thing.

Undergraduate / "born into an unstable family" - FSU admission essay [3]

In the past six years my...

Yes indeed. I think you answer the prompt better than most people writing this Vires, Artes, Mores essay.

Undergraduate / How to write a personal essay for Ryerson's Radio and Television Program [3]


Write a one-sentence answer for each of these, and see what COMMON THEME runs through all of them. In order to write with good structure, you need to have a topic sentence for each part of the prompt, and each topic sentence must be related to a central theme. That is how to make it so that the whole essay says one big thing by saying several smaller things.

This is a 5 page essay, so you need more than a paragraph for each part of this. You need 2 to 3 paragraphs for each part, and every paragraph has to have a clear topic sentence.

:-) This will end up being about 13 paragraphs plus an intro para and a conclusion para for a total of 15 paragraphs. That = 14 good topic sentences and one excellent "hook" at the beginning of the first para to get the reader's attention.

:-) I hope that gets you started!!

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Governments should spend much money on exploring outer space? [2]

... an idea that seems sensible. In actuality , I believe that ...

... are not sure about , such as finding ... to live on or traveling to ... effective way, because ... living standards of the earth's citizen.

... the earth that we need to spend money to ...

You will do very well! Your English is excellent. These mistakes are minor.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'Lessons from my Latino heritage' - Cultural Difference-University of Washington [4]

I attend a predominantly white school, so there is not a strong diverse group. I cannot say it was a diverse environment.

Do you mean to say it is embraced by women?
However, being a Latina, house work tends to be more embraced by women.
I think t should be this way:
However, being a Latina, I experience cultural norms that establish house work as a responsibility for women.

Amelia made a lot of great corrections! Do you have any questions about them?

:-)

Undergraduate / UChicago "In chinese, crisis is composed of two characters, danger/opportunity" [9]

Thanks, Linmark, for looking out for the neglected people!

Let's get rid of unnecessary words that weigh it down:
It is known that a A path devoid of obstacles or grievances...

As a young child, I was entrusted into an... --- oh, I see that linmark already corrected this...

The constant adversity has laid the necessary background for nothing but success-and for that, I am more than thankful.
I think the expression is "laid the foundation"
Also... you end with an expression of gratitude, so it would be good to go back to the first paragraph, or the first sentence of this last paragraph, and mention the irony of feeling thankful for past adversity.

:-)

Undergraduate / I want to be a Biologist and Spanish student - CU Boulder Essay [2]

Let's get rid of some unnecessary words:
My two older brothers Teddy and Thomas, who are seven and four years older than me respectively, 7 years older than I and Thomas, 4 years older have both shaped my dreams and aspirations since I could first for as long as I can rem ember.

I watched them drift (drift seems to suggest aimlessness. Do you have a better word to use?) through life without hesitation or regret and I desperately wanted them to teach me how I could achieve that kind of self-reliance and confidence.

I want to be a biologist and continue my Spanish studies to prepare me for a career that enables me to use both these academic tracks. I aspire to study in Argentina for a year, and, seeing because my brothers' confidence and support but more importantly their wisdom and support has allowed inspire me to look at the limitless possibilities in the world.

:-)

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Radiological Technology Program [2]

...because it combines human compassion with knowledge and technology to assist us at our weakest moments.
... because it will allow me to have direct involvement with patients and it is an ever-evolving field that promises to continue to grow and expand.

These reasons are eloquently expressed, but maybe not as complex and meaningful as it could be. Why radiology instead of some other branch that is evolving and gives you direct involvement?

Anyway, I am just challenging you to help; it is already great. I especially like the paragraph where you tell what you will bring (paragraph 3).

For a title... it is tough, because you don't really have a theme. This is disjointed because of having to accommodate their multi-part prompt. But still, you should think of the word that best expresses the most important point of the essay, and use that word in the title.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my work ethics" - Babson Undergraduate Admission-150 word or less essay [4]

You have a run on sentence here:
My work ethic was getting stronger than that of compared to the others who had been working longer than I had ; my co-workers shouted "Superwoman!" at the end of aisle five near the stacked boxes of "Ajvar" and Turkish coffee; this was something I normally listened to all day at work.

There, I fixed it for you! :-)

Now no longer the girl stacking boxes, I work behind a desk helping New York City patients at New York University Medical Center.

Undergraduate / World Cultures class - An issue that is important to me [3]

Although this video was about AIDS, another topic was mentioned that also really captivated me: The lack of clean drinking water in developing nations.

Nice, this is a very thoughtful idea.

One improvement would be a little more detail in that last paragraph about the various ways you could help -- with your talents and interests.

This is very solid, though... very thoughtful and information-packed. You write very well!

Undergraduate / 2 UofWA essays! About drawing, crows, Mao Zhe Dong & nose picking... [5]

Unsurprisingly ecstatic at first, ( I don't know what you mean by this!) she made me the one I was taken aback when she asked me to teach her how to draw.

I, being unable to take another whining tantrum from her if I didn't, obediently agreed, and we sat down loaded with scratch paper and crayons.--- great sentence!!

The first one is great. Other than the above, I would no want to change much about it. You write very eloquently. I think you use adverbs and adjectives very nicely, but remember that sometimes they can become too much, and oftentimes you can even improve an essay by taking out an adverb.

As for the second one... I can't even explain how much I like about that first paragraph. It is really high quality stuff.

And guess who were my dinner guests? ------- this does not really need a question mark.
And guess who were my dinner guests? --- this way, it works.

great job, please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Undergraduate / The women in the woods- Macalster suplement essay [6]

Sorry I didn't help within the 30 minutes!! :-) here are some ideas for the future, though.

Commas:
She does not look old, but her long, grey hair and the round, strawberry mark right over her left eyebrow (no comma here) make her look a little like a witch.

Consisting of students hailing from ninety different countries, my community is a cultural mix of beliefs, values and opinions.


Excellent writing here...

But as much as I love it, sometimes I just need a break, and that is when she comes and picks me up.

Undergraduate / Personal statement-"My failure" [4]

My dreams of fulfilling my parents' hopes, were dashed to pieces.

Instead of walking around with a dark cloud casted over my...


When you conducted these, was it after you received the news mentioned in the first paragraph? I'm confused about exactly what you are saying. Did you help these students after you go that bad news? and what does it really have to do with the bad news?

I think a stronger connection needs to be made between the disappointing news and the experiences you describe. Are you saying that you spent the past few years in a different place than you would have if you had received the scholarship? It would be nice to add a sentence to help the reader understand the circumstances a little better. :-)

:-)

Undergraduate / "Time is money" - a significant experience that has special meaning, RPI Essay [3]

This needs a hyphen:
For instance, in the field of biomedical engineering, long strides -- or, as some would dare to say, giant leaps -- have been made.

I don't think it's good to end the first para with a statement of the obvious like this. I like your time-is-money theme, but make a strong point at the end of that paragraph.

Oh, I see that this essay is about the visit to the optometrist, so end the first paragraph with a sentence that expresses the fact that you had a revelation when you experienced amazing technology during a visit to the optometrist.

:-)

Book Reports / "The Catcher in the Rye" Motif: Sex. [2]


Well, a comma splice is nothing difficult to understand. It's when you write the way you talk, you might put two sentences together using a comma instead of a period (like this sentence). That is incorrect, but easy to fix:

It's when you write the way you talk. You might put two sentences together using a comma instead of a period

Sex is a motif that frequently occurs (I think "occurs" is best here, because it's not unnecessarily complicated. Frequently reoccurs is a little redundant) in the novel, "The Catcher in the Rye". This motif seems to play a significant role affecting (try saying something different about how it affects them)----> the surroundings and thoughts of Holden Caulfield.

Keep your verb tense consistent:
When Holden suspects that Stradlater had sex with Jane, it makes...drives him...

:-)

Undergraduate / UNC Essay - Expressing My Inner World [6]

Ha ha, I was going to suggest a change that pertains to "style":
People find many ways to express their inner worlds . ----- keeping consistently plural...

but I see that it is part of the prompt! :-)

Hey, this is very nicely written. I would trim this away:
I slowly raise the silver...

use a comma for the compound sentence:
My mind floats into space, and my heart takes over.

It will not be as cheesy, and it will respond better to the prompt, if you limit the poetic description to two paragraphs and spend a full paragraph on reflection... the different ways music is involved in your verbal and written self-expression, the way your ideas are coneyed through music, they way they are conveyed through language, the way people respond to you when you speak or write, the way they respond when you play music.

:-)

Undergraduate / "people are more similar than different" - Whitman: diversity in DC [3]

Your first paragraph confused me!! I misunderstood what you meant. You would like to say, but you cannot, because it was not diverse... now I get it!

I would like to say that I grew up with diversity and that my neighborhood was as varied as a jar of jellybeans. ------------ even though it still is your neighborhood, we change it to "was" because the sentence sounds so much nicer.

But in order to avoid confusing people, add this:

I would like to say that I grew up with diversity and that my neighborhood was as varied as a jar of jellybeans. However, I cannot, because my neighborhood is not diverse in the usual sense of the word.

Also...
Most of us are Caucasian, Christian, and __________ (how about a completely different ending for this sentence). The truth is I have...

:-)

Undergraduate / "What Swimming Has Taught Me"-Texas A&M Essay Topic C [5]

Look for ways to express the same point in fewer words:
When I first learned how to swim I was four years old, my mother had signed me up for a swimming class at the YMCA.

By the time I am finishing that first paragraph, my mind is saying, "Okay, so she liked to swim, big deal." and also... "Can she even remember this stuff frm when she was four years old?"

Now THIS is a god beginning for an essay:
During my junior year of high school, I decided to try something new.

This whole paragraph is excellent, with lots of interesting action and reflection, and ven some tension you create by saying you did not know how good you would be.

Okay, so I suggest chopping off that first para to make room for some more elaboration at the end -- what does this experience have to do with your chosen academic program or your future as you envision it?

:-)

Undergraduate / "a family dedicated to high technology" - Short essay on diversity and others [3]

My diverse experiences in life shaped me not only in one aspect, but a person as a whole.

This sentence is awkward... it would he to be "but as a whole person." But I thin it is better to write:
My diverse experiences have added dimensions to my personality and constantly challenged me to change my mind. Born in a family dedicated to high technology, I learned to appreciate the science when I was young. Yet my passion changed after devoting myself to Model UN in high school, from during which I began to envision myself as someone who can save the day. ---- excellent sentence!

Having received most of my education in China, I have taken advantage of what the Chinese education has to bring- a solid foundation for my professional development. Yet two years of studying in the U.S. made me more independent and helped me recognize the importance of critical thinking.

Nice job. There is a book by Keeley and Brown that you might like:

amazon.com/Asking-Right-Questions-Critical-Thinking/dp/0137581866

Undergraduate / Short essay on Coloardo College's Block Plan [2]

This is a fascinating one! I see that I may have been wrong, while critiquing another of your essays, to say that you needed to focus more on specific interests, because you are expressing a great, specific idea here. Very cool idea...

This could be better if you write more about other threats -- over fishing, exhaustion of resources... here is an important resource:

amazon.com/Protecting-Arctic-Indigenous-Environmental-Anthropology/dp/ 9057023555

Your writing is excellent! An example, or some other very short additional sentence, would be good at the end of that first paragraph... just to add some more definition.

Undergraduate / Georgia Tech Essay "Code and Design" [4]

Well, this is great writing! I apologize for missing the deadline! Here is an idea below that you can consider, even though you already submitted.


Can you be more specific? I feel like a sentence is missing from this intro paragraph, because it would be so good to complete this line of thinking by saying what this means for you, giving a thesis statement that expresses the real meaning of your essay.