Undergraduate / Why essay for Colorado College (special academic calendars) [6]

Don't repeat it twice in that first line:
I first learnt about Colorado College from an article introducing special academic calendars. Colorado College, with its The unique Block Plan drew my attention immediately.

Having had a hard time multitasking, I always wanted to attend a college where I could devote an amount of time into a single field.---------- this is not good because you are supposed to be good at multitasking in fast-paced 21st centure society, and also because you say a single field instead of naming the field.

I noticed recently that multitasking is contrary to the practice of mindfulness. You can make that argument, but don't just say you are bad at multitasking or they might judge you for it!

An idea about focusing some more on specific subjects you want to study: It is good because it shows how focused you are. This is just my opinion, but I think readers in the Admission Office like to favor the students that really have a vision for the future and are excited about working hard to enter their fields. I think it is good to be decisive about at least one topic you realy want to study.

:-)

Faq, Help / My essay needs editing - do you provide such help for this work too? [21]

Hello, I hope you're able to persuade them! If you don't want to work on your essay in an open forum, you might have to pay somebody for editing help. You might find a professional in your local area through craigslist, or you might find someone to help at the writing center at your school.

Even if you don't want to post your actual essay here, you can look at other peoples' essays for ideas, or you can post questions under "General Writing Questions" and get people's advice.

Good luck!! :-)

Research Papers / Capital Punishment, death penalty paper - is absolutely necessary [3]

Hey, I'm sorry if you already turned it in and did not get any feedback. In case it's not too late, I'll comment on the structure.

I see this as the thesis statement because of how the firt paragraph culminates with it. ---> however, under certain circumstances such as serious crimes, there would a support of reinstitution based on the political change for it.

Partially, those countries which still practice it as normal are either communist or dictatorship counties with Buddhism, Judaism and Islam as main religions.

Here is a sentence I will reorganize for you:
China, remains Buddhism continues to be prominent in China as the main public religion, and China is one of the countries that currently and usually practicing capital punishment -- despite the Buddhism dogmas. C hina executed 5,000 criminals in 2008...

Here is an article I think you will really enjoy now that you write this essay:
lawreview.stanford.edu/content/vol58/issue3/steiker.pdf

:-) kind regards!!

Poetry / Limericks or poems. Started to like poetry... maybe [2]


Awesome, you have great rhythm. A comedian does a few jokes about how the invention of the light bulb realy messed up moths' worlds. He says there are moths still flying on their way to the sun, saying, "It's gonna be worth it!"

video.google.com/videosearch?hl=en&q=bill%20hicks%20Love%2C%20Laughter%20and%20Truth&sourceid=navclient-ff&rlz=1B3GGGL_enUS292US292&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wv#

I think yet works better than though:
Though I still search, for my straits are dire.

I don't understand the second one very well! This structure confuses me:
I was a curious little boy----> Confronted the man with "why?"

Sorry you didn't get much response last time! It has been busy, with lots of new essays posted all at once during the end of December.

:-)

Undergraduate / Essay - Looking back, ten years from now. [4]


Hey, good call! I remember looking at this one earlier today, and I didn't notice that "of" where "have" should be. It's funny how out attention works... that's one benefit to having a ton of people look at your essay -- (as long as you don't end up writhing around in an ocean of feedback-taken-too-seriously.)

Undergraduate / Brandeis Supplement, why brandeis? diff approach [5]

Ha ha, this is clever, but it is contrary to my philosophy of admission essay writing. If you are going to use this, try this way:

As I sat at my desk looking at this question, a lot was speeding through my mind. With all of the amazing colleges and universities out there, why would I want to go to Brandeis? Who in their right mind would want to go to Brandeis? Brandies is a...

It packs a stronger punch this way.

But it is contrary to what I think it most important. I think it is important to write in a way that shows you are hopelessly preoccupied with your meaningful plan, which absolutely MUST begin with attending Brandeis.

Your reason for wanting this school should be the crucial role it will play in enacting your plan.

Writing Feedback / MySpace Not Responsible for Predators (an argumentave essay) [3]

He backs his claim with four very strong and direct points, which include the following: MySpace is not there to babysit; the lack of being a good parent; common sense that the girl obviously didn't use; and the waiver you must sign before allowing access to the site.

Above, I changed them to semi-colons instead of commas, and I also suggest you reword the points so that they form complete sentences (i.e. Myspace is not there to babysit; good parenting is the real solution; the girl did not use...

Capitalize Internet.

I think you will enjoy reading this essay: https://essayforum.com/scholarship-22/internet-evolution-tomorrow-menace-14915/

:-)

Undergraduate / Georgetown Essay: Summer Activity: My time in Kenya [2]


Right here, you switch from present tense to past tense. You should keep it in the present tense:
Oh yeah, I am not in...


Hey, I have to say, "Rubbing the sleep from my eyes" seems like a beautiful phrase to me. It is so poetic!!


It would be okay to end the first pararaph with this sentence if you were writng a story, but they want you to write about


...so you should end the first paragraph with a sentence about why this actiity is meaningful.

You can do it!!

:-)

I have an interesting challenge for you. Try starting from here:
Giving last minute instructions, I encourage my team members to do their best and to love each and every one of their students. "The focus of our team is to serve these children in whatever way possible. If it is education that they want, we'll give it to them. But don't hesitate to offer a hug or a smile if it is love that they thirst for." Adjourning the meeting, I realize that...--- and then write a sentence about why this activity is so sigificant to you. then, complete a whole essay all about the way it is meaningful, the life-philosophy it represents, and what it has to do with your intentions for college and career.

This might be a great way to get the perfect essay.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]I dont agree that businesses should do anything they can to make a profit! [6]


You would enjoy reading this article now that you have written this essay:
colorado.edu/studentgroups/libertarians/issues/friedman-soc-resp-business.html

The conflict between emotion and reason is always serious and has become the most difficult - to - solve problem.---maybe not the most. Maybe it has become a very difficult-to-solve problem.

In business, it appears more and more violent. What appears violent? You should say:
In business, emotions cause practices to be more and more ruthless.

In fact, many people support the ideas that businesses should do anything to make a profit. That sounds sensible because the nature of businesses is to create profit. --- very good! This is well-written.

However, I disagree with this point of view. _---me too!

To begin with, people who do business also have to care about ethical problems besides and not just about making money.

Therefore, in addition to aim at profits, businesses also have to take other factors into consideration, especially ethical ones.

In conclusion, I advocate the point of view that when making profits, businesses should also take many factors into account, such as ethics and environment. ---- this is another beautifully written sentence.

Graduate / NEED HELP TO WRITE SOP FOR MY PH.D. IN MECHANICAL ENGINEERING [6]

Hello, Narayana, the way to use EssayForum is to write one and post it here for people to look at, so we can help you improve.

If you are not confident with your English writing skills, this is a good place to improve them. Please look at some of the other personal statements posted here and try to write one. You can do it!!

Essays / Accents and dialects (the difficulties of understanding different dialects) [6]


It's because you are not using the right search terms. This is the same as writing about language barriers at school. So make those your search terms:

language barriers at school

There is so much written about that, it should be easy! But if you search ffor accent and dialect, you won't get as many good sources.

Use those search terms above in a big database, and you'll find what you need, I hope.

:-)

Scholarship / To work for WHO or UNICEF - 250-400 words on my vision for the future [6]


This is so great... as continue to read it, I see that the whole essay is very enjoyable to read. I wouldn't want to mess with it.

BTW, you might enjoy the beginning of Mere Christianity by Lewis, because he uses this innate sense of right and wrong and desire to help as evidence for the existence of something that might rightly be called "God."

How about some more details about why this school is an important part of your grand process.

:-)

Please become a contributor!

Undergraduate / need to make it more concise (my application process to pharmacy schools) [5]

During the last few years, I handled work, commuting, and extracurriculars (no comma necessary here) while also being a full-time student. I found that organizing, planning, and figuring out to get the most out of one's time are the keys to success.

Are they? Or do they just represent the aspect that you are thinking about and noticing in yourself? I bet you can balance this by acknowledging later in the essay that organizational skills represent only one area of preparedness.

:-)

Undergraduate / Sugar We're Goin' Down (My love for film and video), to pursue a degree [3]


This part lulls me into confusion. I think it could be replaced with just a short sentence; try redisgining the paragraph so that a short sentence serves the purpose of this part, and that way you quickly get to the interesting stuff:

The task was to create a music video to the song of our choice...

At first I didn't know what song to choose, there were so many that I liked I couldn't possibly pick any single one.----- this is a run-on sentence, and I think it is unnecessary.

Don't write any insignificant sentences. When you want to write powerfully, design the essay so that every sentence does something significant. :-)

Undergraduate / Life journey and turning points (statement of purpose) [6]

I missed the remaining part of my junior year. --- when you write this sentence, it establishes a theme for the essay. In the reader's mind, this seems to indicate that the essay is going to be about how you missed much of jr year. But actually, I think you have something more to express, too, so try to capture it in a sentence and use that sentence -- a sentence worthy of your essay -- to end the first paragraph.

This is important not just for this essay, but for any time you want to convey a point powerfully through writing. When people talk about the structure of an essay, it is about the thesis statement. Let the essay be like a target with thesis statement at the center. It's the core. It and the rest of the body of the essay mutually support each other, making a deep impression in the reader's mind.

:-)

Undergraduate / U of Michigan. "My Life as a Dancer is Over." SETBACK. [2]

Ever since I first grabbed the bar and learned grand plié as a seven year-old g irl, I immediately have been in love with dance.

or...
Ever since On the day I first grabbed the bar and learned grand plié as a seven year-old girl, I immediately fell in love with dance.

Sometimes details can weaken the writing:
On the day I first grabbed the bar and learned grand plié as a seven years old, girl I immediately fell in love with dance.

Trim away unnecessary words like weeding a garden.

Through the unexpected, challenging set back, I have learned a lesson- I should never be afraid of change or opportunity though it might be difficult to break the old pattern of life.---- this part is excellent. Write a sentence about this in the last sentence of your first paragraph. That way, the whole story will be all about this concept as the reader is reading.

:-)

Undergraduate / COMMON APP SHORT ANSWER ESSAY: Social Service Club [3]


excellent, this is a great little way to connect with the reader. My curiosity compelled me to go back and read the name again...

I like the first one.

The second is well-written, but the first is so well-written that it is entertaining to read, really rewarding.

Writing Feedback / Evaluate: Is it more important to learn more about business or about agriculture [3]

Today with new technologies and globalization the world is shrinking and it has become difficult to define the differences between different tasks as they are all interrelated, Agriculture with biochemistry, technology with health, business with economics and etc.--- this sentence has so much fluff! you used all these words to say that globalization blurs the lines that separate various fields. Trim down this intro, and don't use differences and different twise in the same line.

:-)

Use commas for compound sentences:
In my opinion learning business and learning agriculture are both important, but if I had to choose one I would choose learning business.

This is an interesting thought! I think you should condense the whole essay to get rid of unnecessary words, and spend time explaining the relationship between agriculture and business.

Consider countries like India which emphasize on agriculture; India is still developing and has people living below the poverty line. Even though I am from India and I respect my country, but I think the decision to solely depend on agriculture is not a great idea.

Since when does India solely depend on agriculture? I am not sure if I understand correctly.

You do make an important point: globlization increases the importance of learning about business. You are wise!!

Undergraduate / adjectives, help with intro sentence- Austen [3]


Well, the semi-colon establishes for the reader that these 2 aspects are part of the same thought, and that is important in a thesis sentence.

Shannon, did you mean intro sentence or thesis sentence. I think an intro sentence should declare something interesting and sort of general... something about life in general, something to which the reader can relate.

Your sentence is good as a thesis sentence, though I don't think it is necessary to talk about how it was news to you. I think you should express the idea that people should go deeper in their understanding about Austen to see how revolutionary and bold she was. That is a solid thesis sentence.

BTW we know that many deadlines passed on the 1st but not all of them, and anyway this forum is not just to help the people who post their essays. We still make sure every essay gets some feedback so that in the future people can use the search function find these threads and hopefully benefit from them. :-)

Book Reports / Of mice and men : lone woman [3]

Your thesis argument seems to be the idea expressed in the first and lst sentences of the essay. I want to suggest you use the method I always recommend. Let the first sentence of the essay be a "hook" that intrigues the reader, and let the LAST SENTENCE OF THE FIRST PARAGRAPH be the thesis sentence that expresses the main idea of the essay.

That way, the main idea of the essay lingers in the reader's mind.

Let each paragraph grow from its topic sentence, and let each topic sentence express an idea that supports the thesis argument.

Then, make the whole conclusion paragraph be about this idea.

As you work with this essay, try to make the thesis more complex and "arguable." Make the sentence longer to include something that not everyone would agree with:

The life Curley's wife leads is one of loneliness, but she creates her own loneliness with three bad habits: _____, ______, and __________.

Wouldn't that be a moe interesting essay?! It is interesting if the reader says, hmmm, I don't know if I agree.

You write well! Now make it arguable, and try the structure I describe above.

Undergraduate / Indroduction esssay for a professor, can someone help me make it better! [3]

My name is Elizabeth Reyes. I am from California with parent from Mexico. I have been living in Las Vegas, NV for...can't just leave them and they don't want to let me go.

For the sake of good structure, you have to know what the central idea of your essay is going to be. You have to structure it around the central idea. These facts you state at the start are valid facts, but are they important for inclusion in this essay? Decide on ONE purpose for the essay, one experience you want to provide for the reader, and focus on that... on that main theme.

This is where it really starts:

Unfortunately , a while ago I had to give them the news that am pregnant and make them feel really disappointed in me.

After this 4 months they have been supporting me and will for a while as well as my baby father. --- i don't know what tis sentence means, but more importantly, I still don't know what the essay is about. at the end of your first paragraph, you should give a sentence that tells the main theme for the essay.

I love spending time with my family, walks in the park w my boyfriend, being with friends and spending lots of time w my 3 year old niece. Now I will like to tell you about my educational background.

Since Fall 2008 I have been attending UNLV as well as CSN. I am in my second semester of my sophomore year studying Biology at University of Nevada Las Vegas. This semester I am not attending CSN for the reason...

There are lots of helpful resources on campus that all students should take advantage of.

Decide on a theme... perhaps your theme is connected to your idea for what academic program and career you want for yourself. Based on your intentions for the future, write an essay that expresses to the reader a strong desire and a willingness to work hard to achieve meaningful goals.

:-)

Undergraduate / Why engineering at Ryerson admission essay; 'fascinated with mathematics' [9]

Ryerson is the best place for me to accomplish my passionate goal of becoming a biomedical engineer. --- the goal can't be passionate. And your goal should consist of more than becoming an engineer. It should involve a plan for making your own unique, brilliant contribution.

A great example I just saw is Emily Pilloton; google her for inspiration!

...benefit in both engineering and the life sciences... see, the goal to "benefit" is not very meaningful. I'm asking you to get specific with a plan that can only be achieved through the use of resources and learning experiences at Ryerson.

... enhance the well-being of many lives, to invent prosthetics that will aid those without limbs and create and indulge myself into researching new technology that will improve our health care system for years to come. ----- now this is the good stuff right here!! Who is one of the people you admire for making a contribution like this? Go deep into the process of letting the reader know your ideas about this field you are entering. Go deep into the explanation for how you came to choose Ryerson over others.

You are making good progress!!!

Undergraduate / "My professional experiences vary a lot" - Peace Corps Acceptance Essay #1 [11]

I don't know what happened to the essay you were editing; sorry that happened to you! If you have the username of the person who wrote the essay you can search for that user and try to find a page like this one: ?action=userinfo&user=17371

And yes, please go help some people with their essays so that the system will let you start a new thread. It doesn't have to take more than a few minutes to tell them what impression the essay made on you and to type any suggestions that come to mind.

:-)

Undergraduate / visual and literary arts and music - FSU Admissions Essay Review [6]

Ha ha, is your username a Monty Python reference?

I think If there is one thing I can say I have learned from life thus far, it would be the extent to which that I, as a human being and a member of our society, am in a constant state of change.

You should read about the Buddhist concept of impermanence. You will enjoy it, if you hae not already studied it!

Notice how sentences almost always seem more powerful and energized when you kill the word very:
It's very comforting to know Florida State University retains a strong connection with its tradition and character.

This essay seems forced, like you were asked to write about the 3 virtues and you responded. I think you should write it in a way that shows that you have a particular mission you are on. If you saw Good Will Hunting and it made you desire to be a therapist, perhaps you would have already read the works of neo-Freudians and existentialists and cognitive therapists and really come up with a solid plan. If that is the case, you can write about strength, art, and morality as they relate to your clearly envisioned plan.

Right now you are just writing about the words. :-)

What is your plan, the plan that you are determined to carry out?

Undergraduate / "a desire to help people" - Emory Supplemental [3]


This sentence by the admission office is not written correctly!


I think you should not include this part. It's what they talked about in the prompt... and it seems like you can't come up with an original thought for the intro.

I always had a desire to help people, even it be a small thing in small matters.

Whether it be... --- this kind of sentence is used too often in admission essays.

In this essay, I am looking for a main theme, and main idea that is the central truth for the whole essay. What is the main idea of "why Emory is a good match for you?"

I think the idea is related to your plan. I think you should write about your philosophy of medicine, and also the life philosophy that compels you to help people, and then describe ways the Emory is better than _______ college and the University of _________ for helping you to enact your plan.

Also, I think you would enjoy reading the introduction chapters to Mere Christianity by Lewis, because he makes an intriguing argument involving this desire to help others and do what is right.

Undergraduate / 'Love you and miss you' - Common App Essay: Inspiration [6]

You want your essay to be sleek and powerful, with topic sentences that relate directly to the thesis and a conclusion paragraph that reinforces the main theme thoughtfully, inspiring the reader.

In this essay, the first para seems extra. Wouldn't it engage the reader more powerfully if you started with para #2, where the advice appears? And then your thesis sentence will appear at the end of that para: has also had a renowned effect on me and my realization of the man who truly has had the biggest influence on me. But this is not very good. I think you are trying to say profound when you say renowned... and I think this sentence should give the interesting perspective (on the rather simple advice) that makes the essay meaningful. It must get more complex than "never give up." You need to use the last sentence of the first para to articulate what you mean as the main theme of the essay, and you need to do it in a single sentence.

The structure depends on relating the topic sentences to that thesis sentence at the end of para #1. Google "writing good topic sentences."

:-)

I see at the end of this that you give some excellent descriptions and insights. Explore that last paragraph and find that eloquent truth that will become the thesis sentence.

Scholarship / The Internet: Today's Evolution or Tomorrow's Menace [3]

Our world today is characterized by efficiency -- from minor things, such as making coffee in the morning, to exploits as grand as determining the most effective and aerodynamic structure for a common day fuselage.


The person who reads this may not have to imagine! S/he may be twice your ge and able to easily remember the years before the Internet was such a big factor. In general, it is not good to call on the reader to reflect on something (i.e. Imagine a world..."). It is better to write in the first person perspective I imagine that the world was...

This essay has some logical flaws, and it asks the reader to accept as truth some very weak claims. For example, people hae committed heinous crimes since long before the advent of the Internet. It is a logical flaw when you blame the Internet for what criminals have done with it.

The dilemma at our hand is that people (what people, all people?) do not acknowledge the fact (you cannot state as fact something that is as ambiguous as this) that even though the Internet might help with tasks ranging from making our coffee in the morning to flying across the Atlantic, the Internet is also the main contributor to social and personal chaos and society's demise.------ a contributor to chaos and demise?

at the end of this paragraph, I have already decided that this essay is written by someone who has a warped view. I'm sorry to be critical!!

I think you should read some strong arguments to see what a strong argument consists of. There is no substitute for reading strong arguments.

If I could find a strong argument that the Internet is going to cause society's demise, I would refer you to it as an example, but since I cannot, I will refer you to this article, which makes a strong argument

lawreview.stanford.edu/content/vol58/issue3/steiker.pdf

In a strong argument, the writer does not say anything that is unsubstantiated, because she does not want her credibility compromised.

:-) good luck!!!

Undergraduate / cousin diagnosed with Autism, reasons for transferring, objects hoped to achieve [5]

Yes, the structure is the first thing to attend. Start a new para after this:

...out to them, to fill their lives with joy.
para #2:
Within time, Paul's behavior greatly...

And that last sentence seems wrong. Fulfill does not mean the same as fill:
This will not only fulfill my dreams and bring deep satisfaction to ___________. (?) goals, but also my heart with great success.

Good luck!! You have a special calling.

:-)

Undergraduate / overview about educational and life experiences [10]


I don't get it. If it is supposed to be 2-5 pages, and you have 3, what is wrong with that?

Also, if you are choosing a college that discourages collaboration in the 21st century, it might not be the best college to prepare you for your future. I know it is important that kids write their own essays, but for an academic institution to discourage scholarly collaboration seems. hypocritical! Part of the process of writing is rewriting after getting feedback from readers.

Undergraduate / Dear Diary-- Describe yourself in a letter [5]


I think the second "I know" is too much.

Actually, i think the whole first para weakens the essay, sorry! It makes no sense to waste a para lamenting the fact that you have limited space to express the main idea. that self-contradiction weakens the essay.

Use commas:
But they wouldn't want to hear that, would they?

I suggest tweaking this so that it is not about the reader of the essay. Make it so that "they" are the people in the world that awaits you at this school:

I want to attack my academic program in a way that just breathes creativity, so they can know that my outside-of-the-box thinking might just be the type of innovation they're looking for. I want them to know how motivated and disciplined I am as a student and how honest and trustworthy I am as an individual.

Can you make it so that instead of this essay being about the writing of itself it is about mustering the creativity and gusto to achieve some specific goals while at this school? Think of 2 specific goals for the time you will have at this school.

I'm sorry I am so critical of your creative idea, writing an essay about writing an essay. I think it is necessary to write an essay about diving into college.

Undergraduate / Essay - Looking back, ten years from now. [4]


This essay is so strong -- strong in the sense that it delights the reader's senses with interesting uses of words... beating a monkey to a banana, and the creativity with which you describe your future.

This sentence above, though, is a run-on sentence. I think you have to cut the part about star gazing in the wintertime, because it does not really go well with the rest of the para.

This is the only other part that seems wrong: yet they are the mentality of my peace of mind.
Hobbies cannot be the mentality of your peace of mind. You write so well, though, that I think you can fix this easily.

:-)

Essays / how to write a graded analytical paper [4]

Lots of info is available online. homepages.wmich.edu/~cooneys/tchg/lit/adv/lit.papers.html

Poetry and prose are analyzed just as sculptures and paintings and other art are analyzed. That is part of the fundamentals of English classes.

This interesting requirement is intended to get you to produce a sample of your work from high school. Have you ever written an essay about the themes and symbolism, etc., in a particular novel? If so, send it in. If not, write an analysis of a novel you have recently read, and consider reading online about wht others have says about it. For example, start with this:

umsl.edu/~umslhistory/PsiPsi/Spring_08/5Swofford%20on%20Thoreau.pdf

articlemyriad.com/civil_disobedience.htm

Write something brilliant!! If you do not have a good paper to submit, write about Civil Disobedience and we will give you comments here. You can use our comments with your paper. Don't let this stop you from achieving your goal of going to this school. If you really have written no analytical papers in high school English, it is the fault of the teachers.

Undergraduate / Wheaton College(MA) Essay-Why are you interested in Wheaton [3]

Should it start with the word "the"??

The Connections Program in Wheaton College interests me.

It sounds like this program is an inspired integration of various subjects. I think you should not list the many things you will experience and appreciate; instead of talking about the Mona Lisa and the structure of DNA, and other random things, find one specific thing to say.

An essay is a whole block of text dedicated to conveying one theme or truth. Essays often convey multiple truths, but for your essay you should choose one memorable one.

For example, you can explain why this program, an inspired, creative blend of courses, is better than some other programs you might have considered, and the criteria that make it better can come from your clear plan for the future. Make a presentation that shows how this program is the one that best resonates with you.


What I mean is, instead of saying general things eloquently, like this, say some specific things that support a single, overarching theme.

I hope this is helpful! It is not necessarily the best idea, but it is the best idea I can come up with to make this general content more poignant.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Learning more about business" - Bentley University Supplement [3]

That first sentence has too much going on. I think you should just say:
The fact that Bentley University is one of the most preeminent business schools appealed to me, and as I researched this school I discovered and helped me decide that I would be applying to Bentley due to the numerous opportunities the university could present me with available to me.


List the things you tell the reader. Only include the significant things. Choose the 3 most important. Write a sentence about each. Strategically, it is tough to try to get a reader to retain more than three things. Let the reader see how serious you are about Bentley and the opportunities you will take advantage of. Be specific.

:-)

Scholarship / Contribute to homeland: Wesleyan University Freeman Asian Scholarship Essay!! [3]


This part is where you go wrong, I think. ow about changing this sentence to say this:
Wesleyan is the perfect school to prepare me, because of its _____________, the __________, and its _________________.

This will establish a good structure for the essay. In the body paragraphs, you mention several important points. So, introduce them by filling in the blanks above and using that as your thesis statement at the end of para #1.

I think as you revise, you should write more about your aspirations, not just about the school. Don't just say you have no plan. Say what you can about whatever plan you have in mind.

:-)

Undergraduate / Montclair State's Personal statement has me stumped [3]

I diagnose you with having been institutionalized. I submit that you perhaps have done so well in school because you like the security of doing what you are supposed to do, and now that it is time to announce your plan to attack the world, you are at a loss.

Of course, this is just a wild guess, and probably not true!!

But check to see if you really do have a plan for making a big splash, a big difference. What country are you going to change? What is your big plan? If you have a clear plan based on these experiences, then let that plan be the theme for your essay. Let it be something you cannot stop thinking about, and describe to the reader details about it.

You can mention your good SAT scores as you express enthusiasm about going to this particular school, and you mention that you were reileved to get such good scores because it increased the chances that you would be accepted. Express that you have wanted to go to Montclair for a long time.

:-)

Scholarship / The real reason behind my choice of Colorado College - CC Supplement [4]


Well, this is okay as part of a narrative, but there is no limit to how deep you can go in the art of essa writing. You can make things symbolic, and you can keep referring to a central theme. You can play games with the reader's attention and really make a memorable impression. So... choose the dialogue based on your theme.

As for the other things you said, I think you should paste this into a word program and separate it into a list of sentences. Look at each sentence individually and see what it says about you on its own, outside the context of the essay.

Decide what thoughts you want to cause the reader to have. I think you can indeed present this plan to take an economic approach to geology, and this will show that you have a specific plan. None of us want to stand in the way of someone with a clear plan.

:-)

Graduate / Self-initiated civic engagement activities&Research experience;Public Health(MASTER) [3]


I think you can use this space taken up by these words to say something more substantial and meaningful.

The Jones MPH program will provide me with the tools and knowledge necessary to continue my PH career and implement public health changes in a professional manner.

---- same here. I think you want to say something more meaningful than "implement... in a professional manner." Introduce a specific plan with specific components. Put some pressure on the reader by making her aware that it is necessary for you to attend this particular masters program in order for your plan to be carried out.

For two months I lived on the Blackfeet Reservation in the town of Jonestown, Minnesota. When I first traveled to Jonestown, I required two planes, three shuttles, a train ride, and a rental car to get there. I quickly learned my project would need to be quite flexible. Day one had three important...

As you continue to revise, refine this by cutting out unnecessary sentences and phrases. Pretend you are required to cut at last 10% of th players on this team, the weakest 10%... the 10% without which everything would still be complete.

:-)

Undergraduate / "an Indian senior in all-white school" - UT Transfer Statement of Purpose [4]

That whole first paragraph is all extra stuff. It describes the situation of hundreds of applicants. I think it should be cut, and you should dive right into stating your purpose, your plan.


This part is unnecessary. As I get to the half way point, I am thinking you still have not stated a purpose.


Here is the part where you start talking about your purpose. I think you should rewrite the essay with a focus on this kind of thinking, and include your philosophy of business and your aspirations for the future. describe a plan that includes specific goals involving specific people and places, and especially the resources provided through this school

Sorry to be so critical! Make this more substantial.

:-)

Undergraduate / ProTrack Engineering Co-op program Florida Tech [5]

I would hope not. People in the education industry know that this is an era of collaboration. EssayForum is an online writer's group where we all help each other; it's not cheating!

:-)