Graduate / Master of Public Health-Management track Main statement [5]

Hey, that first paragraph is going to be great, but take the sentence about volunteer experience and move it to para #2. It does not fit in the first para. End that first para with a sentence about the main idea, your vision of a future in health care.

commas:
I believe that training in the field of health care management, in combination with my previous research skills, will position me to fulfill my dream in changing the health and well being of people.

Undergraduate / Too Outlandish--An Essay I Almost Sent Everywhere [2]

Okay, sharpen this up. It is a great expression of how you can notice something in a moment when something happens to focus your attention, so... explain it as that!

And explain at the beginning what Half Dome is! You did a great job with this, but it needs some explanation so that the reader understands what is going on!

:-)

It is great writing...

Undergraduate / China on the streen - Looking out the window. What do you see?.....Williams essay [6]


This is so powerful! I am glad we still have people like you. This is a great description, and it is a great idea. I just think you should add more substance. Tell us about a possible plan for helping them...

Faq, Help / How do I ask a moderator to read and edit my essay? [11]

Hello!
I hope twisted up an excellent essay in time for your deadline. We moderators help as much as we can, but when deadlines approach things get very busy! I'm glad your here...

When you give a substantial amount of help to other people, that is a good way to get mods to notice you and help.

:-)

Undergraduate / experience on a project which evoke passion for graphic design--Wisconsin essay [5]

This is a great idea.
am is a weak word:
I am muster courage courageous to confront new challenges, because they are often opportunities in disguise, enabling me to grow and to discover my real passion.


Your vision for the future is your talent! I hope you can express your enthusiasm through the lens of your chosen field, and that will enable you to present yourself as a determined person.

This first para should be fully developed:
I have no particular talent; I am merely courageous. I am courageous to confront new challenges because they are often opportunities in disguise, allowing me to grow and to discover my real passion. (add a sentence to convey the theme of the essay... the main idea.)

:-)

Undergraduate / JHU essay. Globalization esaay. [3]

capitalize Internet.

The way you write is powerful. You are expressing yourself powerfully even through cultural barriers.

The life my generation experience is much difference very different from t hat of the past.

I want to be a person who encourages global cooperation.----nice job, this is powerful writing.

Within the international community, the diversity is abundant. Within international studies, infinite opportunities await. Because studying international studies enhances my understanding of the global community, and its constituents with whom I will work, I passionately anticipate pursuing international studies at Johns Hopkins University.

Nice job! You can make it stronger by adding a few details about your plan.

Undergraduate / Why Tufts? BECAUSE I HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH ELEPHANTS [6]

Add one sentence between the first and second sentence, so that you can explain why elephants are meaningful and what they represent for you as a scholar.

How about a subtle change here:
I think of globalization as well; I think of how, like Tuft's student body, the world is changing (no comma) and becoming ...

Undergraduate / "a Smart blonde and a UFO" - Intellectual Diversity Essay for UM [3]

I was not surprised, because I am short, have long, blonde hair, I am a girl, and I was geared with a wardrobe that matched the latest Vogue fashion catalog.-------being short is not relevant to the sentence.

Oh, I see that you "small" near the end, referring again to your height. I think this emphasis of height is out of place.

You know, this could be a lot better if you only mention the stereotype you face briefly, and spend time on another concept that is related to it. Add one more concept pertaining to intellectual diversity, and this will have more substance to it.

It is good to comment thoughtfully on stereotypes you face, but you can intensify the essay by including more concepts, related ones.

Remember that one paragraph = one idea.
One essay = one big idea composed of several smaller ideas (paragraphs)

Undergraduate / USc - I made a choice about studying abroad [3]

...had to make th e most...

... this choice wou ld affect and reshape my life.

Therefore, I never gave up, and now I crossed too far over the lin e to give up. From my view, choice can play the important role in life because it's making a decision about what one wants and where one pictures himself in the future. from the choices he made.

Undergraduate / Life, significant experience,achivement,risk u have taken and its impact [3]

Say "life" or "a life," but not both:
A Life lived for others is a life worthwhile.---I like this one.

Life lived for others is life worthwhile.---this one sounds funny, but it is poetically cool.

The objective of the institution was to provide children a chance to aspire and accomplish their dreams, and give them a home, a family, and an opportunity to succeed in the world.---- your way was not wrong, but see if you like it as objectives instead of objective.

Undergraduate / "E pluribus unum"; TUFTS - Let your life speak [4]

...it is often long forgotten.
Not forgotten, overlooked.

Trim down the unnecessary words:
E pluribus unum is a phrase so well-loved in associated with the American culture that...

:-)

Undergraduate / Admissions Essay - Character of Fiction...#4 [5]


hahahah, I can tell you are an interesting person to talk with... hahah...

Yes, how they argue their opinions is indeed an important point about this show. That is what makes it great. Everyone adheres to logic and plays by the rules of reasonableness; most people do not conerse as these characters do, but we should.

This has too much description of the show. You should take out some of the description and replace it with reflection about your deepest personality and how these characters resonate with you. Give a brief explanation of the characters and then use the rest of the essay to reflect about yourself. Give examples from the show and from your own life.

But you don't get any points for the sentences that tell about the show.

:-)

Undergraduate / Caltech Engineering/Math/Science Essay [9]

This is great. I think the last para needs to be developed a little more, and also, you might develop the overall idea some more by discussing some places you might want to work, or some of your own creative projects you want to do. Then, make a connection between your specific goals and the resources at this school. Your writing is already very good, so just complete the theme by looking to the future, near and far... with SPECIFIC plans.

Undergraduate / Caltech supplement: expressing interest, curiosity, or excitement about science [7]


what a jerk!

I don't know if dispute is the right word, because you did not dispute anything. How about "conflict?"

As you revise, I suggest making only brief reference to the fact that you defy that stereotype; don't make it such a big theme. I like the sentence about the science book in your shopping bag, but this sentence is sort of weak: Unfortunately (or fortunately), I am the direct opposite. My hair is neatly straightened out or curled every day; my nails ...

:-)

This essay has lots of potential!

Undergraduate / the multifaceted education delivered, Columbia Short Answer (Why CU?) [5]

I do not envision the research labs that split the ...

I envision the long (no comma necessary) multitude of pillars which erect the Lowe Memorial Library. Like my interest in __________, these pillars extend to great heights and hold much weight. They resemble represent the strength ...

Nice, good idea! More specific examples will make it better.

Undergraduate / "I'm a GLEEK" (glee show obsessed)- TUFTS self-identity SUPPLEMENT [7]


It would be nice if this sentence had a sentence before it and a sentence after it so I (the reader) could deeply understand its meaning and significance.

...not of just existing but of living.

This part doesn't seem to make sense: If words could express, then there is no reason to sing.
I'm sorry, I don't get what you mean!

You should invest a full paragraph each time you give a complicated idea, like this one ----->


You do write the rest of a paragraph after saying this, but the rest of the paragraph is not about the difference between the magic of and the magic that is. When you toss a complicated idea at the reader, you should dive into it in explanation.

This would make a good first paragraph: Singing is universal. It transcends cultural barriers and unites people from diverse backgrounds through one language. Realizing the importance of a united voice, I became a leader- one that contests, one that knows compromise. Just like in singing, you "crescendo" and "decrescendo" when only needed.-------but then you have to show how you have been a leader, and show how you applied the principle of using "crescendo" and "decrescendo" when only needed.

:-)

Undergraduate / Columbia univeristy- the circumstances of my upbringing [3]

...saved my five dollar per month allowance religiously and got ...

No, you don't have to go into a personal story. The thing is, you need a solid purpose for this essay. You need to know what you are trying to do to the reader. What kind of experience are you providing the reader? You will know what to include when you know the central truth you are trying to convey. Convince us of something.

I really like the second half of the essay a lot more than the first half.

I know the purpose is to let them know who you are, but you can have an ulterior purpose, too!! You can express your truth in a way that shows that you are on a mission to create dramatic change in your chosen field. I think that would be a good focus.

:-)

Book Reports / What are some ideas for writing a compare/contrast essay for my novel? [7]

Here is a good one: eslbee.com/compcont.htm

I would change to:
When we cannot co ntrol events that are going to change our lives, and we need to adapt with the changing world.

I'm sorry, I see that the deadline has already passed. I hope you did well!

Scholarship / "People helping people" Scholarship Essay [4]


It is better to have a thesis that is narrow, not broad and general like this one. Perhaps you could write:
The great value of the philosophy of 'people helping people' as it manifests in credit unions consists of _______, __________, and ___________. (this will make it substantial and complex)

Your writing is very good, so the thing to do is model your 5 paragraph essay after their 3 bullet points. For each bullet point, write a topic sentence, which will grow into a paragraph.

For the historical significance of this quote, you can look here to get started: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Credit_union#History

It is not about the quote, but rather, about credit unions. It will work out well this way; they are asking about the philosophy that underlies credit unions, not an analysis of the actual quote.

Essays / Compare and contrast essay of The Stand vs. Outbreak [4]

Well, if you read the Stand, you probably have a lot of inspiration for this essay. It is so great! It is long, though.

Obviously, they are both about some kind of epidemic, right? I have not seen the film Outbreak, but it sounds like it is about an epidemic.

use this for guidance: eslbee.com/compcont.htm

tzaniello.wordpress.com/epidemic-cinema-as-a-genre/

Remember to look for both similarities and differences, and you will notice interesting things about the significance of the differences. Focus on themes, and... like... the "moral of the story."

Essays / Twelfth Night Essay Structure [5]


Hi Alexa, many answers exist for this question, but I'll give you a good one.

First sentence is something unexpected to grab the reader's attention. Second sentence names the play and author, and it also tells a little about it. Third sentence tells something even more specific about the play, something interesting. Leave the last (fourth) sentence of the first para out for now. You'll write it in a little while.

First sentence of the second para is something interesting that has something to do with the idea you wrote about in the first paragraph. Give an example. Write something about the example. Write something thoughtful about what the example means to conclude the paragraph. (repeat this process for 2 more body paragraphs.)

Look at the first sentence of each of the 3 body paragraphs to see what the main ideas of the essay are. Write a thesis sentence that involves all these ideas, and put it at the end of paragraph one.

Whatever that main idea it, write a whole paragraph about it as the conclusion paragraph.

In this sentence, you used although when you should have used however:
Although However, some may argue that it is somewhat a tragedy, as it covers some of the critical elements for one.

Remember, your essay is only a few sentences: the topic sentences. Each paragraph is one idea, and the idea is stated in the topic sentence.

Your material above is great. Add some examples and quotes withint body paragraphs.

Scholarship / The real reason behind my choice of Colorado College - CC Supplement [4]


My first thought about this is that it is SO common to write about one's cultural heritage. I think it is more exciting and powerful to write about a clear, detailed plan you have devsed for the next 5 years. That will be most impressive.

capitalize Internet.

Hey, your first sentence is weak. It makes it sound like you casually found the school, searching on the Internet. How about if you start like this:

I also learned about Colorado from m My Opportunity Grant scholarship adviser at the Education USA center at AMIDEAST Sanaa was the first person to tell me about Colorado College. "XXX XXXX XXXX XX XXXX XXXXXX XXXX," she said, adding that Colorado was a top liberal arts school with excellent financial aid opportunities for international students.

And be sure to expound a clear plan for your future! Be a passionate and resolute visionary.

Book Reports / an analysis essay on a quote in "the crucible" by Proctor [5]

Hi Briana, first I want to say that you have some great topic sentences in what you wrote above. For example:

Arthur Miller introduces personification to help provide...

But your paragraphs are too short. For every one of those good topic sentences, you should continue the paragraph by giving an example or a quotation to prove your point. Then add another sentence to reflect on what you just said and comment on what it means, its implications, or to add something extra.

That way, each paragraph will be full and meaningful.

As for the analysis of a quotation, please tell us what the quotation is and what you think about it. I can't seem to access page 110.

Please note that no one can complete the work for you on this site, but that we should instead have some discussion about it so that you can decide for yourself what to write. Tell us about the quote.

:-)

Scholarship / "The Cuban Refugee Musician" -- 250 word essay. [4]

Our differences helped me understand the commodities in which I indulge. in .

Within me grew a second-hand awareness that nothing had to be easy-my way of life was a gift, somewhat like the music that ran through my family tree.------excellent!!!

Try combining the last 2 paragraphs as one and then moving para #2 to the end so that it is the conclusion.

:-)

Undergraduate / "conservative Dutch city" - Columbia U. what is most appealing about CU &why. [3]

It could use some mention of your career aspirations and your SPECIFIC plans for the next few years...

Also, it would be good to demonstrate that you have researched Columbia... name some professors, clubs, and resources, for example.

:-)

Undergraduate / Homeschooling and Autistic Brother - prompt 2 [4]

Run-on sentence:
Homeschooling was hard; at first I would see my teacher, Mrs. Irvan, once a week, but I did so well that eventually became once a month.

Commas:
My brother, Walter, is autistic, and while...

I think the whole first para should be cut. A great first line is "Homeschooling was hard..."

The first para makes it take a long time to get to the interesting stuff, and it sort of overemphasizes the diploma, which you obviously have if you are applying to college.

This will make a great impression for sure!! It especially made a great impression on one of our EF Contributors:

Undergraduate / Claremont McKenna: , who has helped shape culture and thought [5]

Ha ha, very good. I think the reader will surely be impressed, especially if s/he is familiar with the work of Mach. I really hope s/he is familiar, because otherwise the greatness of this might be lost on him/her.

I have never seen and/or used in a poem!! You are smart.

I have no criticism to give, except that perhaps sme criticism is due for Mach. It might be nice to include some lines of adminission for his ruthlessness -- but that would be contrary to the theme of the poem. Still, it could be done. I mean, if an equally eloquent ode to Cicero was given by another student, wouldn't the reader tend to favor the Cicero poem?

Anyway, I have no criticism to give, because this is a great work of art already.

Undergraduate / Cornell Supplemental Essay, Arts and Sciences [3]

Kenny, you are great, thanks so much for all the help you hae been providing here at EF.

Indeed, quench is not the right word. Google it... you'll see that it is wrong... you must mean "thirst." Maybe you just omitted some words? ----still have a thirst to quench?

Anyway, Damien this is great. the first para is an inspiration (tell your dad my hat is off to him for his wisdom), and the 2nd para is refreshingly clear in its exposition of your intentions.

no need for commas here: ...piece of knowledge that I would ever need or want to know.

Undergraduate / The sunlight, the stars, the open fields and open sky, Roomate Essay Review [4]

This is beautiful... a great gift to the reader. In Buddhism, it is said that a ew words of Dharma are worth more than gold. Whereas most admission essays are desperate attempts to put ones "best foot forward" and ofte come off sort of fake, this is a great gift, a reminder for the reader. You give the reader feelings of encouragement and awe, and for that I bet the reader in the AO will be grateful.

So if you don't mind, I'd really like the window, so that when I'm lost in ...

Undergraduate / 'Naturally indicisive person' - Why Duke? [7]

commas:
Simple tasks, such as choosing what to order off a menu or selecting my classes for the next school year, often take slightly longer than usual what one might expect.

I (so very respectfully) disagree with the comments about removing the first few sentences of the parenthetical reference. They give great personality to the essay, your great personality.

Poetry / Required: Write a haiku, limerick, or short (eight lines or less) poem that best represents you. [3]

Yes, too short. If more words are allowed, use them to make a creative connection between his role and the role you will play in your intended career. Balance it with some seriousness. I think this is such a good idea!! It's funny that you have a favorite ninja turtle... I think Michaelangelo is the one who talks like an air head surfer and swings nunchaku??

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer: "Jumping Rope" [8]

...jumping rope requires some of the simplest movements and actions from the human body, but it serves as a form of mental and physical training that I perform every day.----this seems a little bit like a "non sequitor" ... like... what I mean is... it does not follow that the movements are simple, but I do it every day. You could say the movements are simple, but they require synergy of body and mind, or something like that.

...jumping rope requires some of the simplest movements and actions from the human body, but it serves as a form of mental and physical training that I perform every day takes a profound effect on me and lasts throughout the day.

or something like that...

:-)

Undergraduate / "My Mentor, a Former Nazi" - Princeton Supplement - I Was Influenced by a Nazi [4]

Finish that first paragraph. A first para should often start with an "attention grabber," but it is best to end it with a thesis statement that expresses the central idea of the essay. I look at that first para and it seems like 2 sentences are missing from the end of it. The thesis statement is missing!

This is a great idea for an essay, for sure! But you should really use at least 4 sentences in each paragraph when it is an important essay like this.

:-)

Undergraduate / I visited the university campus - Cornell College of Arts and Sciences Supplement [6]


Why did she do it! Wow.. sounds like she did not want you to be a vet.

I see that this is a really interesting process you went through!

Ha ha, I love it---the catastrophe of my eight-year-old internship... you are great.

I have taken multiple Biology and Anatomy classes involving dissections and am proud to say that I have never again felt the least bit faint.

Nice job...

Undergraduate / Cornell University- what do you value about the college's perspective? [3]

...are being accused of corruption and incompetence. ---I think it's a lot better this way.


Excellent, this is a powerful concept for a pol.sci student to tackle. Great idea!

I find the answer lies in having a broad perspective and practical knowledge in politics.-----Hmmmm... it's a little presumptuous for an undergrad to say she knows the answer. How about an approach that remains contemplative but does not venture an answer, at least not at the start of the essay.

That last para does not sufficiently address the question you raise in the first para. I think you should double the length of the last para and really dig deep to answer the question of how to avoid corruption.

P.S. Do you see all the political hate-mongering and racism that is going on in the past few days!? OMG...

:-)

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [105]


Well, it might be your previous teachers that failed... often, kids go from one grade to another without having been prepared. If you really want to write well, read a tiny book called The Elements of Style by strunk and white. It will help you a lot. Any yes, hang out with us here to ask your questions. Consider becoming an EF_Contributor (see link at bottom of page)


It sounds like maybe you have one of those teachers that is "only human," not sure enough of his own grammar to be able to give clear feedback. Are you too shy to ask him for explanations? The to/toward thing seems like an unnecessary correction to me... toward can be better than to, in my opinion.

As for the stab in the heart that never ends, I see what eric means about it possibly being confusing, but really, this is not something that should be held against you. It is poetic and nice.

I see what justin and some others saud about this, too----> "Each time he thinks about their misery is like a stab in the heart that never ends"---but you know, it really is not incorrect. I would write it this way:

"Each time he thinks about their misery, the thought is like a stab in the heart, and each time he feels this stabbing feeling, the pain lingers and feels like it will never end." It is kind of hard to say: "each time...never ends" because each time has to end for the next time to begin. But still, this is not worth taking of lots of points from your grade!!!

Read strunk and white, become an EF Contributor, and really take responsibility for your own expertise. Teachers are only human...

I'd like to know more about what you got points taken off for...

I'm glad you are here!

Undergraduate / "getting out of my own way", How to answer college app essay questions? [7]

...will also describe how they shaped my interests in _______, _________, and __________.

By adding those examples, you will make the thesis sentence and intro paragraph more substantial.

Don't capitalize father. Oh yeah, I see what Susan means: can you just say stepfather or father-in-law?

Try intensifying it by cutting out unnecessary words, like this:
There have been Many obstacles in my academic and personal life that could have made it hard for me to be a successful person.

This is in good shape, I'm sure you will do well with it!

Undergraduate / Stanford: engaging intellectual experience. Revision needed [4]

...the great impact ideological hegemony has had on America . ----make sure you correct the misspelling of America, i see it is just a typo. Right after this sentence, it'll be good to add one more sentence about what you, specifically would like to do to mitigate such hegemony... and what "ideals" you are referring to. Ideological hegemony does not necessarily involve race, so add a clarifying sentence that tells what you would like to do about it.

:-)

Student Talk / Word count limits and restrictions in essays [44]

a nice thing to do might be to present that classic "five paragraph" essay. a paragraph of 4 to 5 sentences is often around 100 words, so you'll end up with around 500.

intro, 3 body paragraphs, and a conclusion. And it is really nice when the conclusion is a little longer than the intro... because it gives a lot of evaluation and reflection at the end.

Undergraduate / "three words that describe your best and how it will contribute to BU" essay [3]

As a child, I would yelp as my cousins practiced their wrestling moves on me and threw me to the ground. But I did not mind -- much -- for I knew that one day (no comma necessary here) I would be stronger and able tackle them, too. to the ground.

...not necessarily mean physical power, but a mental one.-------you use power in 2 different ways here. I suggest this:
...not necessarily mean a physical power, but a mental one.
Yes indeed. And if you have experienced that sensation of energy being emitted from your hands, that tingling sensation that supercharges your body and enables you to feel the meridians as they are mapped out by Traditional Chinese Medicine, then you are ready for the practice of Qigong, which I am starting to think may just be the very most important thing we can do while alive. Google this: embryonic breathing yang jwing-ming

...get up and think of another way to approach my challenge .

Oops, obstacles don't need to be answered: ...many questions and obstacles to which we must attend.

Nice job!