Scholarship / Medea from Jason and the Argonauts, Essay on One of the Mythological Characters [10]


That is what I do, too -- and actually, I use two dashes.

H.G. Wells? I'm so excited to meet you...

Wow, after reading the first 2 sentences, I believe you are Wells, indeed. This is good stuff. Please consider being a Contributor here.


You should write "after satiating her need for revenge," because I think we do not satiate resolve. Also, after the deaths of her children she was hurt not just by Jason's betrayal but also by feelings of guilt.

Hey, what is the deal, here? I thought you were supposed to tell a story fro her perspective? That means it should be told in the first person, as if you are her, right?

This seems like it would be better if written in the present verb tense, too.

Undergraduate / "Reverend Williams? I love him!" CMC- Leadership [8]


Well... how much is one quality of what. Nevermind that, though! It is a good sentence.

Also, the 2nd sentence above is a little confusing. Who said the first sentence? You said it to your friend?
...and my preliminary choice about the person to choose as my subject, ...

:-)

Undergraduate / Alive, Surprising and Curious, Boston University- 3 words [7]

...can be traced back to stripped down to one of those words.

In this kind of sentence you can omit the comma that messes up the rhythm:
Though I didn't feel it right when I woke up, as I drove to school today I felt alive. ------> it is okay to omit that 2nd comma, because the thought you are expressing involves both feeling alive and driving to school. Plus, it is good to omit the comma, because it makes the rhythm of the sentence nicer.

You already write very well, so you should work on subtleties like that! Check out Strunk and White's Elements of Style and King's On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft.

thanks for becoming a contributor!

:-)

Undergraduate / POVERTY IS A BAD SITUATION [2]

If you say "poverty is a bad situation," it is a statement of the obvious. It is too obvious. I think what you really mean for your title is:

Poverty is Something Many Think They Understand
or maybe your title should be:
Poverty and Hunger are Family

POVERTY! Can anyone who has not really been poor know what poverty is? I doubt it. How can any one who enjoy three square meals a day explain what poverty means? Indeed, can someone who has two full meals completely claim to be poor? Perhaps. One begins to grasp the real meaning of poverty when one struggles really hard to have one miserable meal in-twenty-four hours. So, poverty and hunger are family.

Please give some more help to people here at essayforum. Even if writing is still difficult for you, you can still give ideas about people's essays. this essay is full of deep, profound ideas, so I know you can help people more and give more than one sentence of feedback.

:-)

Undergraduate / From one school to another...Why? [7]

Up until my sophomore year in high school, Folsom was where the place I called home. ...
This is excellent writing! I love it.

I hate cantaloupe.-------wow, nicely done. I wish I could write as well as you

At the close of my freshman year in high school, I was given an opportunity to change everything (replace with a word or phrase that puts an image in the reader's mind). The Jewish Community High School of the Bay sits in ...

Lots of detail... maybe you want to omit one or two unnecessary details.

I now strive to understand the world( ?), relevant to my life or not. Let's find a better last sentence, one that expresses your main idea.

:-)

I'm sorry if I am giving these ideas after the deadline already passed...

Undergraduate / CMC- Aren't you tired? Because you have been running through my head all day. [3]


This part weakens it. You repeat "fallen in love" a second time, and... from the phiosophies to the people is superficial.
Replace that with some mention of a real experience you remember, perhaps something that occurred in your mind, perhaps something that occurred one morning and made you think of your future in a new way. Something vivid and real.

I went on a college trip with my friend. A casual trip, tagging along with friend, may prove to have changed my whole life. My friend's mom wanted her to check out Pomona, so I went with her. Pomona's tour times didn't work with our schedule, so we just tagged along on the Mckenna one. She was so bored, but I slowly fell in love. (add a sentence like what I described in italics above) from the philosophies to the people. During the rest of the week, while seeing UC's and CSU's, CMC wouldn't get out of my head. I had fallen in love.

Here is a very powerfully articulated way of expressing your point:

I want to get across express the fact that the biggest influence on my decision to apply was this: After seeing Mckenna -- after being there -- it wouldn't get out of my head, even after seeing other colleges.

Scholarship / Gates Scholarship-An Unfair Experience [4]

This is a great sentence!---We ended up winning, of course, bu t I felt terribly rotten about it.

I like your use of terribly rotten.

Hey, "Every time" is 2 words.

For a compound sentence, use a comma:
I was hurt, and I will never forget that experience.

The fact that both teams were robbed of a fair chance to compete was bad, but the fact that my team basked in an unjust victory was even worse.-------can you bask in victory? Yes, I guess people do bask in victory. I thought the sentence sounded strange, but actually I think it was my mistake.

This is nice to read. I agree with Hyun Young Julia Lee, though about the need for some reflective analysis, some thoughtful self-evaluation.

:-)

Undergraduate / My sister teaching me how to read - Princeton Supplement [4]

One person came to my mind, who I thought about while gathering responses from my friends. ----this sentence is sort of unclear. Can you come up with a less awkward way to say it?

As they all mused over their thoughts, I began thinking about how I first learned to decipher messages from random groupings of 26 letters. Soon, I was gathering my friends' responses to that hypothetical question and reminiscing about my sister's role in my learning process.

I will remain eternally thankful to her, because (I think a detail or two would be good here).

Undergraduate / Common Application Main Essay: Call me bro (topic of my choice) [3]

Throughout my life I have been exposed to the loud, short-tempered man that was my father. -----or maybe you want to use a thesaurus to find other good words for "loud."

I never understood what he was mad at, but he was a person without any attributes I could admire.


Okay, the first paragraph begins with a thought about your father and becmes a thought about your brother, and then at the end it turns out to be this notion about having been unappreciative of him. You should use this equation that I sometimes tell people:

one paragraph = one idea
That is not exactly true, but in general one para is one idea. I think you should cut out the part of the first para where you speak badly about your dad, because it is not necessary. It also just sort of reflects badly on us when we write our negative opinions abut others...because the reader knows there are 2 sides to every story.

Besides, that first paragraph is pretty long, anyway...
:-)

Grammar, Usage / Improve the phrase about perplexity [5]

It grew as you go taller?

With every inch I grew, the perplexity that surrounded of jigsaw puzzles seemed to grow along with me.

This is a tough sentence! I look forward to seeing what you write! :-)

Undergraduate / Rochester Supplement Essay- How I will contribute to Rochester. [3]

Yes, too short.

However, I find these remedies to be ineffective against in comparison with pharmaceuticals. Despite Because of this experience, and also because of my _____________, I want to carry out a research study to evaluate to what extent these home remedies are ...

This is a great idea for a study. You might have to narrow it down to a few selected remedies or to remedies from a particular culture.

:-) Write a little more detail about the study and how you will make use of the resources at the school.

Undergraduate / Experiences that made you leave your comfort zone - University of Richmond [2]

When I was seven-years-old I had to leave Japan and move to Chesapeake, Virginia, because my father was stationed there and wanted to provide us with a better s tandard of living. At the time, I had no idea what was going on, but this experience proved to be ___________ (Mention the main idea for the whole essay right here, and then move on to paragraph 2.)

I see that you express this main idea beautifully in the last paragraph.

Graduate / Motivation essay for European Business School. [9]

This part needs help:
...represents a pivotal factor affecting my ability to actualize my potential and l eave a positive legacy to our world.

I don't think it is necessary to capitalize globalization.

Excellent, Luc, this is so impressive. Congratulations for being so great! Your writing is excellent, and your intentions seem excellent, too!

Undergraduate / NYU SUPP- 2050 MOVIE(Indian School)// SYRACUSE SUPP- Diversity of Options [5]


Because affirming a career choice shows decisiveness and seriousness about life. I think you should let them know that you chose "undecided" status even though you are currently feeling very certain about _________ (pick something).

Even though you are undecided, like all of us, choose something to focus on. You can focus on wanting to keep your options open rather than focusing on the fact that you cannot decide. Some people write essays about how they are determined to succeed in one field or another because of passion that comes from deep insight or suffering, or some other inspiring thing. You can be inspiring, too, if you focus on your vision for the future rather than on your uncertainty. We all have uncertainty.

:-)

Graduate / MS in Industrial Engineering, statement of purpose [8]

Ha ha, you were not being ignored; I'm sorry it took a while to get some responses. For some reason, lots of people have joined this site lately and we had trouble keeping up for the past few weeks.

I think this should be the beginning of paragraph 2:
My undergraduate studies have given me the necessary foundation from which to build on and prepare for the enormous challenges of this field. My curriculum equipped me with diverse, yet essential concepts of...

I think the end of paragraph 1 should have a powerful sentence that clearly and confidently expresses your PURPOSE, your well-developed plan... this will be the most important sentence of the essay, because it will establish the reader's main impression of the essay. At the end of that first para, express your plan for college and career (capture it as well as you can in a single sentence.)

:-)

Undergraduate / the Universe: Stanford Supplement: Intellectual Vitality Short Essay [5]

Finally, if the Universe has just the critical mass necessary to slow the expansion to a constant-size, space is flat and infinite.----this part can be cut. I know it seems like one of the more impressie parts, but if you can look at the essay with fresh eyes and see the experience you provide for the reader, you'll see that without this sentence paragraph 2 ends in a powerful way. This sentences confuses things and sounds like something you pulled off a web page like rst.gsfc.nasa.gov/Sect20/A9.html

This is very impressive! The first para is great, and the choice of topic is great. Mention some of the people whose work inspired you, like Hawking and Hubble and whomever else...

Undergraduate / Academic interests that all started with books- Cornell CAS [2]

When I arrived in the States as a six year-old, my parents believed that assimilation was my top priority. Their solution was to inundate me with books. Reading would become an integral part of my daily activity .

Even more, my initial reluctance of books about readi ng slowly gave way to a shy liking of them, and soon enough, I became completely hooked.

It is important to mention English and psych in that first paragraph, because that intro para should "support" the whole essay with its introduction of the big picture, the main theme of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: A Dream with all my Dreams [8]

I am lying on my bed, exhausted after completing my homework and am glad to finally have a chance to relax.

Maybe it's just phase one of sleep setting in, or maybe it is __________, but whatever it is I allow it to progress. (now add one more sentence to the end of this first para... a sentence that suggests to the reader something about the main idea of the essay.. something that hints at your main theme that is about to unfold.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My Mantra" - Common Application Essay [6]

Among the list of various proverbs and silly mottos that my Romanian mother has provided me with, this one has stuck out the most. ----"list of" did not go with "among the"


Wow! Awesome! that is the coolest thing I have ever heeard of...

Hey, Kim, I guess I think they are looking for good composition: topic sentences that tell the main idea of the paragraph, conclusion sentences that reflect and evaluate what you have said, etc. Because of your use of good dialogue and great descriptions, you certainly can stray from the typical 4-5 sentence paragraphs of typical essay composition sometimes, but I think if you revise this some more you should focus on pulling some solid paragraphs together with crisp topic sentence.

You have a great username!

Undergraduate / Leadership, knowledge, creativity - Brandeis University Supplement [13]

A paragraph is often about 100 words. I think you can make this better by writing three paragraphs with your 250 words.
This starts a new topic, so let this material be paragraph 2:
Along with its endless opportunities, Brandeis provides...

Perhaps your last paragraph can be about 50 words. It is better, clearer composition if you write 2 paragraphs and then a short conclusion paragraph... rather than one long paragraph.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Write an argumentative essay Modern technology has increased material weath [2]

Yes, this is easy to understand. It is okay for you to write in a way that shows that you are bilingual and not a native speaker of English. Your way of writing is good already, and it will keep getting better.

In this last sentence, use a semi-colon:
modern technology can not decide the happiness; it has improved people's standard of living but not happiness.

If you keep reading in English, you will get very good at writing in English.

Here is another idea:
Why don't we open wide our arms to help our relatives to experience a better life?

Writing Feedback / Talk about how the poets show their respect to animals. [4]


This confused me... Agamemnon is ancient mythology, and it has been told many times, but when I google "Agamemnon" and Celeste Perri I don't find much. I hope you didn't accidentally make a mistake. Probably I am just not familiar with the poem...

That intro paragraph is underdeveloped. It needs to say something more specific. What profound truth can you INFER from observing the commonalities and differences in their treatment of the subject of animals? Develop that thesis in the intro and also the conclusion.

:-)

Undergraduate / Reverie - NYU supplement - 2050 movie on your life [9]

...but can she convince humans to choose reality over a virtual paradise?

Ha ha, very clever. I really think you will be alright; they will not think you copied the film. :-) It is too vast a concept for people to say it belongs to any one film. It is a lot like the Matrix, too...

Hmmmmm... but really, now that I'm thinking more about it, I guess I think you should try other ideas. It might be bad that you suggest that you will create a pill that causes such trouble. It might be better to make the movie a drama about your serious efforts to alleviate suffering in the world.

Writing Feedback / Media essay - GRE (Issue Topic) [2]

The structure is pretty good; those grammar errors Susan caught are most important.

For the structure, you hae this as a sort of thesis statement:
However, this arguments mainly concern television, newspapers, magazines and more deep discussion is needed for the function of books, music and films in our society.

I wonder if you can improve the essay by adding a sentence after this one before the end the first paragraph. Make it a short sentence that simply and concisely captures the meaning of the essay.

Also, I think you might want to add a paragraph to support your argument BEFORE you say what opponents of the argument might say. Wait until near the end of the essay to refute the counter-argument.

It is pretty good!!

Undergraduate / Working with three hundred strangers in the village of Montalban- common app [8]

this part needs work:
Not only was I to teach, but an incredible amount of physical labor was also intr oduced to me, as I had _______________ (to wake up every morning in an early hour just to freshen up for the new day . Replace this with an example of something that is actually strenuous and demanding, physical labor)

I felt very blissful. Working with three hundred strangers in the village of Montalban was spiritually uplifting as all of them were individually distinct, supportive and energetic. Though there might have been times of trouble due to the weather, children still remained ecstatic towards our teaching and helped us out with the technical difficulties.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Prejudice is at the heart of misunderstanding." - Common App Essay [4]

When I read that first paragraph, I think that you should move everything after this into paragraph 2:
After ice hockey practice one evening...

I think paragraph 2 should introduce the story, and paragraph 1 should consist of:
My senior religion teacher always preached to us that prejudice was at the heart of all misunderstanding. I always truly believed that I lacked any real prejudices until an unlikely man changed my perspective on life. (add two more sentences to capture powerfully your main theme, the central truth of the story.)

:-)

Undergraduate / Influential figure: Common Application Essay. [6]

In the deepest voice I can muster, I ask him, "What's your name?"

"It is Guts," he replies in a surprisingly soft voice.

I think you should change the first line (above) to say something more interesting than "What's your name?" and you should choose a different word besides "voice," because it occurs in the next line:

With the deepest tone I can muster, I ask him, "If you don't mind -- may I ask what people call you?"

"It is Guts," he replies in a surprisingly soft voice.

I don't know, ha ha! I am just trying to help, but I don't think my way is any better! ha ha... anyway, the story is very interesting, and it certainly took me on a little trip into the scene. I like it...

Undergraduate / Colby college admission essay: comment and relate to the following quote ! [4]

Yeah, sorry about that. I think a lot of people are feeling that way, because we are still trying to catch up after a rush of essays we had around the Christmas and New Year holidays.

If you have any time, please check out some essays that are on the unanswered list, and see if you can hep us help them. :-)

Undergraduate / Why I Really Must go!- Tufts [6]

Your theme is perfect. I always tell people to make a case that they absolutely must attend (name of school), because this shows that you are a serious, driven student.

I am "proud to be an American" in the sense that I do not fit a single niche.----this sentence is not as strong as it could be, because being proud to be an American is different from not fitting a single niche. You can say:

I am an "all-American" student of the 21st century, in the sense that I do not fit a single niche.

:-)

Undergraduate / Why Am I interested in Engineering? - Cornell Supplement [3]


I think I may have commented on another of your essays recently, and I think I remember saying that I don't think it's good to focus too much on celebrating the idea that you are breaking out of a gender role. :-) I'll just repeat that idea here (it's hard for me to explain what I mean!) It is better, I think, to be so far removed from the old paradigm of gender roles that you do not have any patience for people questioning your interest in science based on your gender. Rather than calling attention to the gender role, mention that you want to be part of the process of making gender roles become a thing of the past.

...cutting-edge facilities and world-renowned professors, I feel that----In this part it would be good to mention a few facilities or profs specifically, and in terms of how they appeal to you with your unique approach you your chosen field.

Undergraduate / "Twirling Noodles" - Occidental Supplement - Personal Habits [2]

For me, it lost some clarity at the start because I did not know what ISM was... maybe the reader will know, though?

I think if you add material, you might want to add it at the end. The last sentence is not very strong; it does convey refreshing "realness," but I think it could be stronger. Add to that last paragraph while keeping in mind your purpose for this essay -- the effect you want to have on the reader.

:-)

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement Essay - The Barn Fire [4]

Slowly, seductively, a tantalizing finger...

I don't know if it is good to turn it erotic, with tantalizing and seducing. That certainly has weird value, but... I think you would need to complete the observation if you write this -- directly observing at the end of the sentence or in the next sentence, that the long, slowly lava lamping finger of smoke had a disturbing, seductive quality.

I think a good imagery metaphor would work well here, like... a long finger of thick smoke... how far away was it?

The ending seems incomplete. Why not take this opportunity to create a comparison to affirm your seriousness about college? Discuss your outlook on college, in your chosen program of study, while reflecting on this traumatic-yet-empowering experience. What has this got to do with college?

:-)

Undergraduate / Essay for Appalachian State..Open Forum.. [4]

I think that what you should add to the last paragraph is some discussion of your SPECIFIC goals. In fact, I think you should only talk about the family struggles you have seen (and the resulting desire to go to college) in the first half... only write about that in the first half, establishing this powerful motive to succeed.

Then, in the second half, discuss your plan for becoming wealthy and happy -- what business will you enter? What will be the special skill that enables you to thrive? How will you hone that skill at this school, with this school's programs, etc.?

Undergraduate / "cluttered exterior" - Stanford Short Response- To a roomate [4]

This part right here is to long:
Please bear that in mind, because I feel that I need to inform you that I have a cluttered desk. ----those two phrases I crossed out seem wrong in a few ways. Addressing the reader directly "please bear in mind" creates a certain kind of presumptuous atmosphere in the essay... and "I feel the need to inform you" is like, "cliche" or something...


Some readers frown on the use of water bottles for environmental reasons like the concern you mention. I guess I think there is a better way to say this... like... instead of "my desk frequently houses empty bottles," you can write, "I have had the same two water bottles on my desk for a long time, because I never get around to recycling them, but I do not want to resort to just throwing them away."

And with the nail polishing part... I think... I think with this whole essay you had not established a purpose before writing. Or maybe your purpose was just to express yourself, but I think your purpose should be to show them a glimpse of a person who has excellent clarity and self-discipline, someone who deserves admission and will really do excellent, meaningful things.

:-)

Undergraduate / Education, curriculum, liberty, more - Brown University - Why Brown Short Answer [4]

I would use "freedoms" and a dash here:
...and introduced to me new freedoms: the freedom to explore, the freedom to focus, the freedom to take risks, the freedom to fail, and finally the freedom to succeed -- a freedom that I had always...

At Brown, I may pursue my photography interests in the Photo Lab and join the Daily Herald as a photographer, or even participate in the Brown University Lion Dance Team and fulfill my wish to promote my own culture.

:-)

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement Essay : Character count problems, one paragraph? [3]


That's a good idea. See how far over the limit you went and then trim it down.

If you can write it in at least 7 sentences, I think you can do it with 2 paragraphs. Just remember that each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence that expresses its main idea.

Undergraduate / UPenn supplement essay -what I can contribute to community [6]


The fact that your first word was doctor does not make this love ironic.

This has some great material! As you know, people who play chess and people who do not both respect people who play chess (albeit for different reasons). I think you should estalish a theme at the end of the first para... a theme of passion for human biology and strategic, methodical pursuit of goals.

Then, the rest of the essay can continue to reinforce this idea that your aspirations to succeed at UPenn are part of a strategic plan to pursue your passion. That'll be a good theme. Right now, the essay seems not to have a well-defined theme.

Undergraduate / the biomedical program, What makes the University of Rochester good fit for you? [4]

Rochester allows its students to participate in research without restrictions.
Instead of saying this, you can give an example of research you would like to do that would be better at this school, rather than at a school that would impose restrictions. What are the restrictions you are talking about?

The GEAR program also was appealing to me , because I could show my intellect amongst other students who have a passion for engineering. ---- you should replace "show my intellect" with a phrase that refers to your specific interests and aspirations, something specific.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common App Identity- I am an individual (not cliche) [2]

It is better to say Caucasian instead of white.

Before I was even able read, write, and perceive the world in an objective, more or less in a proper subjective context way, two distinct paths of identity developmen t lay before me. In fact, it is more accurate to say that these two paths forcefully converged in my life for this was not a matter of choice.

How about that? I think this is a great topic, and you have a great way of explaining it.

Undergraduate / Why (or why not)? Perhaps the key question is "Why in between?" [22]

This is how I would write it:
"Why does one plus one equal two and not eleven?" my seven-year old cousin asked me with both her index fingers up.

That is a cute sentence!! :-)


There is a saying by Socrates that goes "true knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing." Then does true knowledge exist?----yes, it exists in realizing that the things you think you know are not reliable. I don't think it is good to say "Then does true knowledge exist?" right after you quote Socrates' explanation of how it exists.

But anyway, this is excellent. It is excellent even if you do not make any changes to it.

:-)