Undergraduate / SU(SYRACUSE) SHORT ANSWER: WHO/WHY INFLUENCED YOU. [3]


Creativity has a place always. Straightforward is good, though, because this is such a serious question.

Use no more than one sentence to express that the East Coast feels right and that this helped you narrow down your choices. Then, spend at least 2 sentences describing specific plans to make specific use of specific resources at the school Show them that you have a clear plan for the future. Clear plans are the hallmark of serious students.

:-)

Undergraduate / making a successful musical - my additional information for uva [4]

Being an international student has been a very precious experience. in my life. Kill the unnecessary words. :-)

I am very grateful for starting everything anew in another country. This makes the same point you just made in the first sentence.

This material is very nice! I just want to kill some of the fluff at the beginning.

I think you should add a sentence near the end about why this school to which you are applying is going to fit in with your vision and passion about the future. :-)

Undergraduate / Amherst College Supplemental Essay - Swimming Up [5]

I found a run-on sentence! -----> The strength to swim on with the team required much more than physical strength; it required mental strength.

But it is not so bad, so if you submitted this already, don't worry.

I love your descriptions.

Undergraduate / Hindi:Tell us about an intelectual experience or project that has influenced you [7]

Let's focus on this sentence to refine the essay:

But the grey uniforms they wore seemed too big and baggy on each of them. their tiny frames.

(That new ending is just an idea I had for you.) This is the end of the first paragraph, so it leaves a thought in the reader's mind, lingering for a moment. Is this the thought that you want to let linger? Or would you like to end this first paragraph by establishing the reader in thought about your main idea, the thesis of the essay? You might want to keep this sentence but add one more before ending the first para.

For this additional para at the end:
...that my parents value greatly ----when you write that someone values something greatly, you can usually find a better, more colorful way to express it... a special adjective or verb that perfectly captures it... instead of having to resort to using the weak word "very."

We can almost always improve the power of writing by cutting out the weakest stuff:
There is a quote from Johann Wolfgang Goethe that my parents value greatly: "There are two things children have to get from their parents: Roots and wings." I honestly believe that my parents were able to give me both of them. I grew up in Germany, healthy, and with the privilege of access to a good education. Being the daughter of a kindergarten educator, my mother ensured that I grew up in an environment suitable for children, but because of her trust in my maturity and independence she soon let me go my own way. That way When my travels brought me to India this summer, where I was reminded of Goethe's quote as I met children who had received neither roots nor wings.

:-)

Undergraduate / The Eight Grade Science Fair - Brown Supplement Essay [5]

I'm sorry you didn't get more help before submitting! It has been very busy for a few weeks. :-)

Undergraduate / Why Ohio State? -Words from a Wolverine [4]


The rest of this first paragraph does not really present any unique circumstances. It just says you were a Wolverines fan...

After getting in touch with the Peer Research Contact for the Electrical/Computer Engineering Department, I was even more impressed with the opportunities available. My dream is to build------- what opportunities are you talking about? For the rest of this paragraph, as you talk about your specific interests, also talk about some resources or professors at the school that will be perfect for your pursuing unique interests.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a resident of Taiwan" - rice short supplement. why the school of study? [6]

These materials allow me to control the shuttlecock with full confidence. They also enable me to swing my...

This is some good material, very smartly written!

This sentence is messed up by the word "therefore":
I am very interested in the roots of things; therefore I believe nanotechnology allows to explore the very foundation of matter. -----the word therefore makes it seem like the reason you belive that is because of your interest in the roots of things.

This is a great piece of writing!!!

Undergraduate / My beloved laptop just decided that its very last day has come;Self-Description Essay [12]

supplements, and the Christmas Video I made for my parents. literally everything that was saved on my laptop. you don't have to say that, the reader understands.

I was six years old when I realized that my home country Germany, unlike Italy, does not have a special shape. It is just weirdly shaped. Just like ... . Oh I was so disappointed.

I am sometimes sad, grumpy, afraid and miserable, but I am happy...
Nice ending!

Undergraduate / Why I want to Apply to Syracuse - Syracuse Supplement [5]

...but my interest to apply was based primarily on the academics and the diverse programs which the university offers. (let's see if the next sentence backs up this claim with an example...) After talking to the college representative at the college fair, I learned that Syracuse University offers many opportunities for those students interested in pursuing a career in the medical field -----so do lots of colleges. Nope, you have to name something specific.

Many doctors with whom I have spoken to while working...

:-)
good luck!

Writing Feedback / For good or ill, I a feel intensely drawn toward adventure, risk and excitement [2]

When you want to post an essay, please select "New Thread." Don't post your essay in someone else's thread.

I'm so glad you came to participate in essay forum!


I think that there should be another sentence after this one. You should write:
The purpose of this letter is to____________________________

On a larger scale, my passion will lead me to participate in a variety of activities, such as studying abroad or joining intramural sports teams, for the sake of trying something new.--------I think you should also tell how this experience will enable you to prepare for achieving your career goals and making a meaningful contribution. Express enthusiasm about making a difference.

Undergraduate / admission essay Uof NotreDame: why i'm different [3]

Sometimes, my friends will ask me, "When do you go to bed?" and when I reply, I am often teased for "being a kid." ----right after this sentence, before you end that first paragraph, give a thesis sentence that really powerfully expresses the notion that going to be early enables you to achieve everything you want to achieve.

Finish this off with a powerful statement, in the conclusion paragraph, about your clear plan for making a powerful impact on your chosen field.

:-)


I don't think it is helpful or necessary to say the reason you chose it was because you could not visit many other places. :-) !!!!!!!!!!!

Undergraduate / the field of nanotechnology - why rice appeals to me? [3]

Let's streamline:
Out of all of its strong programs, Rice University is especially renowned for its strong science programs, particularly its internationally-acclaimed nanotechnology program.----now THAT is a sentence that gets right to the point!

:-)

I was actively involved in the community during high school; and therefore, I would like to stay involve and have a positive impact on my community. Let's find a clever way to say this same thing. Rather than saying it, give a clever sentence about how it is meaningful to reach out and help.

:-)

Undergraduate / Penn Community essay - Wind Ensemble, QuakeRaas and West Philly Tutoring Project [4]

No unnecessary words:
...my homeroom teacher had handed me about fifteen different handouts within the last ninety seconds.

Oh... actually, I think this whole thing will be better without that first paragrph. start with paragraph 2, because it answers the question so swiftly and captivates the reader. Paragraph 1 is fluff.

:-)

You can add a thesis statement to that para #2, a thesis that says performing arts are most important to you because of sax and Quakerass, and that you also want to get involved with tutoring.

Anyway, this is very good!

Undergraduate / LMU critical thinking situation - POKER [4]


This is good stuff. I encourage you to check out one of my favorite websites kingscascade.com

I'm so sorry you only got one response before the 31st!! I think your essay is great.

Writing Feedback / Cheating in School- Satire Essay Help [2]

Hi Anna, I think this seems forced and uninspired. What are you making fun of exactly, the whole college process? satire is powerful if it calls for a real, specific change.

It has to use sarcasm and even humor, but one essential ingredient you are mising is that you need to call for aa specific change. That makes the whole thing meaningful.

Therefore, you can make fun of students who cheat, laughing at how they are the ones who lose in the end, because they sell themselves short. If you leave the reader with a message that it is foolish to cheat in school, then this will be powerful.

Of course, you could use a different theme, too. The point is that you have to be making fun of something specific.
:-)

Writing Feedback / Journal. Why do people hurt each other. [4]

The complexity of human race shapes us to have diversified characters. ---I don't like this sentence, because it uses diversified and "character" in a strange way.

The complexity of human race shapes us to have diverse perspectives; people's character's are not all of equal quality.

You should use the word character like the word water. You don't say I drank too many waters. You say, "I drank too much water.

In the same way:
However, no matter what quality of character we possess, we all hurt...

Use an apostrophe to show possession (i.e. ownership): Indeed, there are people who obtain pleasure from others' misery.

:-)

Writing Feedback / The Lessons of Groundhog Movie [3]

The people can't just learn good characters from their parents, but also they can learn from the movies. People can learn good character from their parents, but they can also learn good character from the movies.

Above, I gave you a better way to write that first sentence.

You could also write:
People learn good character not only from their parents, but also, sometimes, from movies. whenever you want to add some little extra thing in a sentence, just use a comma.

The film "Groundhog Day" has characters that are unlikable and characters that are interesting.

THE LAST SENTENCE OF YOUR FIRST PARAGRAPH SHOULD USUALLY EXPRESS THE MAIN THEME OF THE ESSAY. Your first paragraph ends with this sentence: So I immediately thought that he probably wanted to be in love with Rita, but he didn't know how to attract her or him somehow didn't feel like he had as good character as other men.

It seems like one more sentence is necessary if you want to end the paragraph with a thesis statement.

:-)

Graduate / 'My best effort in completing a four-month internship opportunity' - SoP for MSc [3]


Yes, it should, but remember your purpose in writing it. This is to tell them about your purpose, your grand plan and how the school fits into it.

I think you write very clearly and skillfully. this is very good -- and you seem sincere in your expression of interest. This last sentence of the first paragraph is a little complex, though, so maybe we can do this:

I realize after gaining some experience in the field that, in order to fulfill my career ambition of becoming a software consultant, I realize after gaining an experience in this area I need to pursue a higher study program in the field of information management, with the emphasis on business systems integration and consultancy.

I am excited for you! Consulting work provides a great way to live, and systems knowledge is an important thing these days.

Here are my thoughts about the generalizations, though:

I strongly believe that knowledge and global perspective on information technology I would gain from XXXX's course would be a great indicator of my success. The program will absolutely sharpen my knowledge in the field and allow me to become----all of this is fluff. It does not really say anything. You should replace the fluff with sentences that indicate specific experiences available through the school's program and specific areas you want to master in order to be the professional you want to be. Name specific parts of your well-developed plan.

EXAMPLE: Rather than referring generally to a global perspective, discuss classes you will take about international diversification and cultural barriers, etc.

It's hard for me to give good examples, because I know so little about systems and software. :-)

Undergraduate / bard college -- Grunge is amazingly epic and awesome like totally. =] [3]

Grunge was a musical movement of the early nineties, emanating from the teenage angst and adolescent anger of the Seattle youth. Characteristics of Grunge included the heavily distorted, raw guitar, and the plaintive voice of the damaged and depressed singer.----I googled this, because I thought it was so well-written that you must have taken it from a published article somewhere... I guess I was wrong, though! It is a very strong start!

Your title is cool, too.


excellent, you are my hero.

I think you reduce the meaning of the essay when you say grunge is dead. the fact that you are writing about it shows that it is not. Say it is almost dead. :-)

Graduate / Petroleum Engineering Statement of Purpose for a Master's degree (non-thesis) [4]

The beginning might be stronger this way:
Even though the world is trying to find viable...

The last sentence of this paragraph is long, and I think a comma will help:
This makes petroleum engineering one of the most exciting fields, which is...

Add to that last paragraph by writing a sentence about the resources you'll take advantage of and the specific reasons why the school is a crucial part of your pan. The good use of the word crucial is to assert that, in order for your specific plan to be actualized, it is crucial for you to be able to use _________ as a resource and be involved with __________ club at this school.

:-)

Undergraduate / What challenged you - supplement - fit for the prompt? [4]

So, you accepted your imperfections the way he accepted the fact that his wife was unfaithful. That is a pretty thoughtful approach. I think you should give examples to support the idea of your blemishes. If you actually name them, this essay will be more convincing.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common App Activity and Essay Prompt: Key Club/ Autobiography of Jun/Sr yr of HS [6]

Yes, when you write that a particular school is part of your life plan, and when you tell them about your plan to participate in certain programs and clubs, it shows how serious you are.

I would not want to reject a student who has a clear plan.


This is such a nice part of the essay. Maybe you should use "has been", though.

And with my well known test...----this paragraph needs a good topic sentence slapped onto the beginning, so I will know what the heck you are talking about! Don't be mysterious in this paragraph. Add a topic sentence that tells the theme of the paragraph: I had been trying not to seem like a nerd, so I let me friends know that i got some poor grades without mentioning the fact that I was taking AP pre-calculus.

:-)

Undergraduate / MIT essay about a challenge faced in life..... Grammer correction needed! [4]

Enthusiastically and sadly are two words you should omit. The essay is better without them, because if you leave them out, the READER comes to the conclusion of enthusiasm and sadness. That is subtle writing: not too many modifiers.

Let's keep suddenly, but get rid of those other two:
Suddenly, my Mom jumps into the...

You are wrong; your English is good! This essay is very powerful, because the reader wants you to chase your dreams in Mumbai, and the reader is touched to hear that you gave in because of your mom's emotions. It is impressive and nice!

Writing Feedback / Essay for a Contest: Living in Suburbia- Looking for some criticism [4]

[b]I just came to help you because of some great help I saw you give other people. Thanks!

The second sentence is a sentence fragment:
I sat on the cold, cement steps in front of my house, waiting. I wasn't waiting for an infrequent call from a distant friend, but for something -- anything -- to happen on this bleak, winter day. I used to played in the thick...

We change it to played in order to be consistent with "I sat"

...impressionable age of eight. ----after this sentence, I think you ned to conclude the paragraph about looking for things to do b introducing the idea that you became an explorer in your mind. Do a paragraph break, and then start para #2:

Bundled up in a royal blue...

Have I been reduced to a mindless lump sitting on concrete steps, gazing aimlessly at the cloned houses with neatly manicured lawns?

This is good stuff, good ending.

Undergraduate / University of Rochester supplement: good fit + diff. point of views. [3]

found several qualities of Rochester to be a good fit for me ... provides a vibrant research programs...

This stuff aove is too general. Don't waste any words with general things. These are the sorts of things you are supposed to replace with specific observations (i.e. the philosophy of _______, the head of the _____ department, Dr. ________, and the ___________ club all make Rochester a good fit for me.)

LewisClark, this is another great bit of feedback you gave here. I see that you only posted one essay; I'm going to help with that now.

In high school, I loved to do most activities with only one exception: science lab. Our Biology lab required each student to demonstrate team work. In spite of my passion for Biology...----I think this stuff is well-written, BUT you should not be judgmental at the end about the other people.

Undergraduate / UPenn Supplement: The Dreaded Page 217/300 [6]


Ha ha, yeah, because if admissions is at all competitive, you can't set yourself in a category with the students that did not bother with the optional essay. Weird... Do they actually write "optional (truly)"??


LewisClark, you are totally a hero. I'm impressed with the great advice you gave, please check out the contributor page. I agree about the cliche, too.

It is also sort of cliche to write about the process of writing an admissions essay. For some reason, admissions readers often look down on anyone who tries to be clever by referring to the process of writing an admissions essay. "Don't refer to the essay in the essay," many people say, and I do not agree with them, but... we have to impress the admissions person... so... i thought I would mention this.

And yeah, it is not necessary to be so critical of them, ha ha! Revise, but keep up the brilliant writing. This really is good stuff.

Undergraduate / Common App: 17 Year Old Second Grader [4]

You are doing so well, so I don't want to even offer suggestions. Your writing is good because of what it is, without having to be improved.

However, I'd cut this sentence and merge the short 2nd para with the 3rd:
From an early age, I easily switched from Chinese at home to English at school. But as I became assimilated into American culture, I began forgetting Chinese shortly after entering Kindergarten, and English eventually replaced my daily dialogue.Growing up as the first Chinese American generation of the Chen family is rather more difficult than it appears . The push to learn English and to do well in school was emphasized, and it was the duty of my...

That sentence i crossed out above is one that is not very meaningful. It is not even true; cultural barrirs do appear difficult to cross. So, it is not a necessary sentence if you merge the two paragraphs.

The rest of the essay is brilliang; the whole idea is great.

***If you can find a way to shorten that long first sentence of the essay without reducing it, do it.

Writing Feedback / 'unusual behaviors' - Games are as important for adults as they are for children [4]


Okay, this long sentence is not very logical, because games will not necessarily be about aggression or lead to loss of money. Games are good.

The question asks if games are more IMPORTANT for children than for adults. The answer epends on if you think of the word "game" as something just for children. I think games are important for adults AND children. Adults just like games tht are more complicated than children's games.


These sentences suggest that games lead to a loss of money, but some games do not cost any money. Hide-and-Seek does not cost money.

I think you should write about if they are MORE important for kids than for adults.

:-)

Undergraduate / Harvard - Travelling experiences in a foreign country [4]

...how could I judge a man because of his fellow countrymen?----you are still generalizing about a whole group of people when you say this. You should rephrase it. I like your idea a lot, but I think this last sentence needs to change.

It also might be good if, at the beginning of the essay, you let the reader know you are going to write about an experience that helped you to establish an open mind.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'going to take a toll on your health' - My princeton summer essay [6]

Ha ha, I see that this is an inspired idea. In my crystal ball, I see the Admissions reader appreciating this cool approach.

Make sure you don't confuse us, though. State clearly that a fortune teller made a prediction that you are in teh process of proving wrong.

:-)

Writing Feedback / essay on sovereignty, MA International politics essay [5]

This essay attempts to explain up to which the extent to which both theories and practice deal with the sovereignty/anarchy issue. In order to analyse in-depth the relationship between relative equality of states and the ungoverned international arena, it is necessary to scrutinize the history and the evolution of these concepts through the lenses of main realist's thinkers.----what are the "main realist's thinkers"?

Why do you refer to a "relationship" between the relative equality of states to the ungoverned international arena? Check to make sure you are expressing what you intend to express. I am a little confused.

...to understand whether or not sovereign states are the only relevant actors in world politics and what makes the international realm more or less anarchic. This sounds like it will be a fascinating paper! Simplify as much as possible, because it will become important later to be simple and purposeful in your research.

Undergraduate / Singapore - COMMON APP ESSAY: Issue of personal concern & its importance to you [6]

I like food, you write very well! Reading this is a nice experience.


Alliterations are people, too!


This seems prejudiced. Whenever you write "foreigner," it seems prejudiced. Maybe you don't have to call them foreigners.

Undergraduate / What was the best advice you've ever been given and why? [8]

Try combining this as one paragraph:
...and value the progression of ideas. My primary interest lies in enriching my mind to its greatest capabilities, even if it means taking intellectual risks and considering opposing ideas for curiosity's sake. Through this exploration I have discoverd for myself that b Being surrounded by those who disagree with me enables me to learn more and be more engaged with a given topic than by being surrounded by those who I completely agree with. I understand there may not always be a solution; what matters is taking the initiative to uncover one.

There! Do you like it that way?

Undergraduate / A girl interested in Computer Science?! - NYU Supplement #4 [7]


I don't know... I don't know if it is god to actually say this. If the reader is here in the 21st century with us, s/he knows women are capable scientists and IT professionals... maybe some readers will be impressed by your interest in computer science, if they share this idea that it is rare for girls to be in this profession, but maybe you don't have to actually point out the idea.

I think you hae to base your interest in CS on something more than just the lego award and the robotics competition. Write about why CS work is what seems meaningful to you as a professional in the 21st century. Mention some intellectual interests you have, areas of the field you would like to master.

:-)

Undergraduate / Colgate Supp Essay - Diversity in our community [4]

This first paragraph tells me several different ideas without really focusing on a single theme. At the end you have a run on sentence:
With virtually all the major races and religions living there, it is hard to find an area or community with just only one, as a matter of fact, it is almost impossible.

Put a period or semi-colon after "only one"

What are you saying with that sentence -- that multiple ethnicities are represented everywhere?


And you say anything is possible and that achievements are more important than mistakes... so, you epress many ideas. here is the formula:

one essay = one big idea.

Write an essay that begins and ends with a discussion of cultural integration as a means of capitalizing on diverse achievements. Let this be your theme throughout the paper. Express that idea in at least three different ways in your essay -- maybe at the beginning, middle, and end.

:-)

Undergraduate / business management, Reasons for transferring -- Common App [3]


This is a simplistic, obvious thing to say, and not anything that is really helpful.

The first paragraph tells some things about you, but can you tell the story in a way that has a theme? End your first paragraph with a statement about your personal aspirations, and create a feeling of urgency because of the seriousness of your plan for college.

Yes, as I finish reading it, I see that it is well-written. You write very clearly, and without errors. I just think the essay needs a THEME!!

Give a memorable phrase in the first paragraph, and then refer to it a few times as you tell, throughout the essay, about the experiences you had.

:-)

Undergraduate / Kosovo, MIT world you come from? [6]


I think you need to refer to it this way (as the star that you orbit) again at the end of your first paragraph in order to convey the full meaning of the metaphor. You will go a lot of places but it will stay central to your focus.

Then, somewhere in the conclusion paragraph, refer a third time to yourself as a satellite in orbit of Kosovo. That is the way you make the metaphor part of the meaning of the essay. Don't just say it in the first sentence and leave it unexplained.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Sindoor": Why Mac? Supplemental Essay for Macalester College [7]


Everything that comes before this is so confusing! It is because you are a little mysterious at the start; who is she, I am wondering. What is going on?!

You can write:
I grew up in a world of ______________. I was rooted in my town of old trees (?) ___________, but restless, surrounded by stories of elsewhere. ----> this is a great introduction to the essay!

Undergraduate / "a Team-Player", Boston describe me in 3 words. [5]


You can make it shorter by taking out this part. It is so much bragging! Bragging is never very impressive.

You can just name the three words, and then explain them.


Oh, ha ha, so you might be stubborn, but we'll call it passionate and capitalize passionate to affirm that you are passionate instead of stubborn? No, I think this essay is full of too much telling and not enough showing.

It is important for you to get critical with yourself. Tell them you first thought to write that you are a Team-Player, Passionate, and Seasoned, but then tell them you reconsidered, reflecting on your shortcomings. Tell them you figured out that winning is not everything and that you would now describe yourself as "confused, curious, and enthusiastic."

Well, you know what I mean. Something humble.