Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1; UK TELEPHONE CALLS - three categories [5]


Let's give a try for the overview:
Overall, the most popular category was recorded by local fixed line calls and, if that is the case, three categories opened up a small gap during the second half of the period.

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Language plays a significant role in our lives [4]

I read the third paragraph. You write very good. However, I try to have some edits as to how the (positive) idea could be improved.


The idea of learning a new language in school will not be effective unless teachers and students both practice speaking the language of their own volition. Although teachers are non-native speakers, they should be able to communicate effectively to students. This makes students able to learn fast and accurately

Writing Feedback / Large shopping center in your neighborhood; 'it can increase province income' [7]

Question:


Here is my intro:
The construction of malls has intrigued people everywhere. Although I accept that malls creates one-stop-shopping culture, I totally oppose with the idea that the project of a new mall should be well underway in my neighborhood.

Some ideas:
Oppose:
more traffic
Parking spaces
Frequently going to mall = a problem behaviour, compulsive shopping

Support:
Job offers
More stores, more products.
Good cardio exercise by walking around the shops

Writing Feedback / The extended family is less important now; 'urban life / communication tools' [3]

Question:


Your intro:


This is good, but shows complexity.

Let me give a try:
It is undeniable that family structures are a highly debatable point for long periods of time because it affects everybody in his/her daily lives. While there is an element of doubt as to whether social interaction has utterly changed the conceptual framework of the family members, I totally agree the extended family is less important now than in the past due largely to some reasons.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Is social skill as important as good qualification? give your reasons. [19]


Yes, it is true, but as per grammar rules it is not too good.


or also this can be written:

It is undoubted that people with good qualifications can stand out in a career at work compared to ones who have no academic credentials. This is because the qualifications can prove that people with solid knowledge and ability take over the job well.

or simply write like this:

Admittedly scholars successfully pursue a career at work compared to ones who cannot establish any academic credentials. This proves in-depth knowledge and academic ability bring people easily take over the job well

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Is social skill as important as good qualification? give your reasons. [19]

it's not that I mean, but here is:
This is (independent clause)because these qualifications can prove (that) you have solid knowledge and ability to take over the job well.(dependent clause)
This is because these qualifications can prove (that) you have solid knowledge and ability to take over the job well.


Please kindly visit this link: owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/598/01 to learn independent and dependent clauses. Let me know if you have question(s)

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / 'Game is imagination bowed three dimension'; important for adults and children [6]

Have a look at the prompt:


Your intro:


I don't think the prompt asks you discuss advantage and disadvantage for this essay.

Let me give a try for the intro:
Gamesattach greatimportance at any agebecause they teach spatial awareness . I agreewith this to some extent, butI do not thinkgames train people to behave in a very responsible way

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / Travels broaden the mind - Advantage and disadvantage of travelling [9]

travellingare also one of these kinds oflike other entertainments, which makeS people feel cheerful (stop here) Also, this can tackle daily life problems temporarily , and let them forget a about their problems or daily routine even for a while . Travel don't have to only learn us, but first of all its amusement and a perfect way to relax.Travelling not only teaches us about life, but also offers a perfect way to relax after a hectic day

Well, simply write two paragraphs for the body: one para for advantages and one for disadvantages. Then give one specific example per paragraph

Hope this helps

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Is social skill as important as good qualification? give your reasons. [19]


This is an incomplete sentence.
To revise this, create an independent clause which is a group of words that contains a subject and verb and expresses a complete thought.
Independent clause + Dependent clause or
Dependent clause (a comma) Independent clause

Because these qualifications can prove you.. | dependent marker word + a subject and verb (dependent clause)
a subject and verb (independent clause)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: University lecturers are now able to put their lectures on the Internet.. [5]

hey Frined.. :D
I like your writing.

While uploading lectures on the Internet there arehas some disadvantages aboutuploading lectures on the Internet , I would argue visiting university makeS students more responsible and independent. They have timetable and should follow it, while, for example, graduates who study at home wake up later in the morning than those who attending university. Also, scientists believe that everybody memorizeS information much better if they heardlistenitintently from lecturer, instead of reading it online. However, visiting university is harder than is studying at home, but students can ask their lecturers some questions and get quick answerS , (stop here) But contrariwise, while using google engine to search for them googlewhacking will take more time.

This is that I can help you

Writing Feedback / 'special talents' parent and family background vs teachers influence on children [8]

As professional teachers, it is obvious thatEvidently, they, professional teachers, have adequate teaching techniques which can help young people to fulfil their academic potential,(stop here)andUsing this systematic approach, youth's wisdom can be enriched effectively by teachers who use a systematic apporach.

However, it is ture thatAdmittedly, teenagers are also influenced by their parents in many ways.
Admittedly and Evidently are attitude adverbs expressing the writer's attitude toward the state or action described in the sentence



When you write firstly, secondly, lastly to mention supporting points, I am afraid that you are overusing the linking devices. I think the better way is to avoid using lots of the connective words. If you think that you need to earn coherence and cohesion, pay particular attention to demonstrate cohesion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Jewelry or concert tickets; What is more important for you? [6]


Set this for a main idea


Set this for an example

Writing Feedback / Work or travel between high school & university; beneficial or unfavorable year [5]

I like the way you present this essay. Mechanics are good, but the intro needs polishing a little bit


This is very good approach.
well, for the task:


You are being asked to discuss the issue. And you did it. However, I see you put grandiose ideas in three bodies. Were I you, I would simply write one para for advantages and one for disadvantages, plus one intro and conclusion. Then focus on coherence and cohesion between the sentence-to-paragraph-to-essay construction as well as manage time effectively.

Hope this help :D

Writing Feedback / Increasing weight, decreasing health; 'can't find absolutely healthy person' [4]

Today it seems to be impossible to meet an absolutely healthy person who is absolutely healthy , (1)( stop here) everyone has certain serious diseases, and obesity is the one which most people suffer from.One example is obesity

Comments:
1. This sentence is too long. It is always hard for some readers to understand the long sentence. I suggest you to divide this sentence.

Therefore,(1)it has already become normal for people to have an increased body weight . (2)In this essay,Hence, I will outline causes of obesity and try to find measures to prevent such kind of illness

Comments:
1. This shows complexity. Can I say this: Obesity is continue to be one of the world's most costly and serious conditions in the medical record.

2. This phrase adds no value. Better omit.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL iBT - Saving/Spending money [5]

ImIn my opinion |


cannot |


afford |


Maintenance |
Overall, I believe you could write. However, I find few simple grammatical errors made.
No worries, take this note below as to how common spelling and grammar mistakes could be easily fixed.
You should utilize the grammar and spell check features of Microsoft Word to correct as many spelling and grammar problems as possible before submitting your essays. You will find this under the Tools menu of Microsoft Word. If something in your document is underlined in red or green, be sure to check the spelling and grammar suggestions prior to submission. Also proofread your essay yourself to locate correctly spelled but misused words.

Writing Feedback / impressive buildings are important for a city or hospitals and schools [4]

After perusing the prompt, I conclude that the essay should be written to respond to the ideas: Money should be spent on impressive buildings or schools and hospitals

I add comments on the second paragraph: The second and third points have a repetition of the same ideas. This shows a weak paragraph . Instead of showing many ideas, it is always better giving one idea with one specific example.


an apostrophe shows possession.


Inappropriate antecedent :(


I am not sure this word can be used as a concluding signal.

Writing Feedback / Toefl - enforce limit the use of automobile for the betterment of our earth [4]

Technology plays a significant role in our lives. NowdaysNowadays it is found everywhere so we cannot avoid it's influence .Automobile is one of such technologytechnologies which isare being used in every part of world.Some people think that the automobile has improved modern life. Others disagree. In my view, quality of our lives has decreased due to use of automobile for several One of the important reasons is that invent of automobile has caused negative impact in our health(rewrite this sentence) .These vehicles like buses,cars and trains produces smog and dirt which leadsleading to air, water and land pollution.These pollutants hashave adverse roleS in our body. For example, many of my friends run in the morning to keepmaintain their body healthy.Yesterday ,I heard a news from CNN which reported on a result of research. It mentioned that runners are more likely to get exposed to harmful effects of polluted air as they breathe air saturated with toxins .These chemicals on smog are risk factors for the diseases like lung cancersand skin cancers.Though runners are only one example, every human in this earth can suffer from various illness due to automobile. This example has taught me that there are some disadvantages of having automobile in our existence.

Pay serious attention to paragraph construction and grammatical mechanics
Break this paragraph into an intro and a body paragraph.
I found lots of grammar issues and some inappropriate vocabularies.

Writing Feedback / 'Advertisements make people feel like they are successful and special person' [7]


Overall, I understand your writing. However, you should organize this essay more neatly by arranging one introduction, two bodies, and one conclusion.



Subject-verb agreements: Taking as a subject and assists as a predicate
Parallelism: To reduce ... and To make

Noteworthy:
1. It is always better you include the purpose of your writing (IELTS, TOEFL, etc.) in the title
2. You should include the full prompt with your essay so that we can provide you with more meaningful comments

Essays / Essay: Ms Accounting Post graduate goals, skills in which you excel, and key accomplisment [3]


I think you should describe these areas as to how your essay could be improved:
- The choices you have made in your career
- Your past experiences have combined to provide you with your demanding skill set.
- The appropriate next step in your future career and life change, which you might land if you did not leave to pursue this program

Writing Feedback / My Life Goals; I came to realize my passion in the Entertainment Industry and in Computing [4]

I have edited few words:
there are lots of unsolved problem which needs to be giving a solution
In sooner time ( a comma) I hope to see the platform as my self becoming a well meaning organization because I see the platform as myself . In my continuedrunning effort to become relevant in the entertainment industry, I have takingtaken a step in learning video editing.

Overall, this is good writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, TASK; 'In Indonesia, child workers are still the one of the big issues' [3]

Hey Friend, please have this note:
When you deal with IELTS, the first thing the assessor sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read.

Hence, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.


too early to go into details.
You don't need to stick an example here, save it for the body. Aha!, you have to consider that Task 2 topics are used all over the world. Therefore, the wording applies to the whole world, not just Indonesia :D



Pay particular attention to punctuation


This is called comma splice, occuring when you use a comma to join two complete sentences without placing an appropriate joining word between them.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2; Students VS Homework - unnecessary encumbrance [5]


hahaha, I like this sentence. Too funny for words :D


This part is too short. You need more work for details.


Bad grammar.

Well, I see you still struggle fro coherence and cohesion. To tackle this problem, follow Dumi's approach.

With this structure, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly, one content paragraph for, and one against. This is good for coherence and cohesion between the sentence-to-paragraph-to-essay construction. Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS; schools as oppose to parents; different forms of violence [6]


No Worries, Perfect practice makes Perfect result :D

A new essayist, like me, who learns IELTS, spend hours thinking of some "perfect" sentences to be a hook.
I rarely write the hook sentence first, but last. Yeah, seriously though
After writing my essay, I always go reading the whole essay, up and down.
Then, start creating a hook sentence, which is short, but interesting.

Writing Feedback / Directors of large companies receive high salary; 'Employees are working hard' [9]

"employees are not getting enough pay according to their work and eventhough is a one word or not."
Oh, okay. Can I say this: Employees earn consistently minimum salaries, mostly because of the undemanding occupations they work for.


Write 'even though'

Essays / [Essay Introduction] Characterization of Vermeer - "Girl with a Pearl Earring" [3]

The introduction of your paper leads your readers into the topic and encourages them to finish reading. You can use many methods to do this. One example by putting a hook. Hook can be taken from your personal story, quotation, or current issue. However, a hook should be short, clear and catchy.

Writing Feedback / parents are the best teachers. use specific reasons and examples to support your answer [7]

1. When you write your essay, the first thing the reader sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read.

Hence, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.

2. Well, you should include the full prompt with your essay so that we can provide you with more meaningful comments.

3. Pay special attention to upper-case letters.

Writing Feedback / 'People need food, fashion, and health' - advertisements may improve our lives [6]


Have look at the prompt. This raises two opinions that should be argued. Create one content paragraph for, and one against for body para

Well, if you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. This can help you write more words, but some seems inefficient, by writing too many words.

With a 4-paragraph essay, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly, one content paragraph for, and one against. This is good for coherence and cohesion between sentence to sentence and paragraph to paragraph, and for which in the five-paragraph structure this is weak :D

Writing Feedback / 'it is not permanent'; enjoy your money when you earn or save for your future [2]



Using etc indicates that you do not have any serious to complete your ideas. I suggest you to finish your sentences. Or end it with full stop, instead of etc

It would create a wealthy and prosperous life of a person.


This is called comma splice, occuring when you use a comma to join two complete sentences without placing an appropriate joining word between them.

Well, if you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. In the bodies, you will argue more on one side than the other by writing two content paragraphs arguing for and one against. This can help you write more words, but some seems inefficient, by writing too many words.

With a 4-paragraph essay, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly, one content paragraph for, and one against. This is good for coherence and cohesion between sentence to sentence and paragraph to paragraph, and for which in the five-paragraph structure this is weak.

Undergraduate / MIT essay, Boston; 'I do volunteering job in Boston with Arabs for Altruism' [9]


Put a comma before the word but . Or you break this sentence into two to make your readers easy to follow the logical order from this sentence.


Pay attention to tense use.
This project is still working/works in progressuntil now for learning students who hashave difficulty to understand in the class. (a comma here) and it has became/ becomes part of Department of Education in Yanbu.

Writing Feedback / Many teachers assign homework to students every day. 'Valuable exercise' [9]




Use an article or a plural form. The word teacher is countable.

Writing Feedback / Directors of large companies receive high salary; 'Employees are working hard' [9]

due to this heavy workload (a comma) most of the workers more likely to get diseases and aches , which are mainly back pain which would adversely affect their future life. One example is back pain

In my opinion eventhougheven though directors have lots of things to do, they are well paid.


I didn't catch the point here.

Undergraduate / university essay admission: A journey towards what I am made of [4]

Overall, you write well. I just have few changes
It is through participating MOE teaching internship that( a comma) I re-affirm the vocation in my life: teaching Economics. I had chosen Economics as my main teaching subject, (no comma here) and was assigned to conduct foundation lessons based on an out-dated textbook. As I was not offered Economics in Secondary School, it was definitely a challenge(this part lacks clarity. You'd better rework) . However, my determination to succeed outweighs the seemingly daunting task, and I went for consultation to learn how contents are brought across effectively to students. Understanding their needs, I have translated wordy textS into more straightforward points.

Writing Feedback / About my self - education; parent; activities; strength; weakness; end notes [4]

I like your writing. You write well :D


I applied for and was admitted into


I had several memorable experiences. To have a clear expression, add more adjective. One example is 'memorable', modifying 'experiences'

Writing Feedback / Toefl evalution - God is too large to fit in one religion [5]



nobody has | Subject-verb agreement.


No religion in the world permits or advises | No religions in the world permit or advise (Subject-verb agreement.)


Do you mean the word of than ? If the answer say Yes, then this can be categorized as Faulty Parallelism. Than is used to introduce the second element in a comparative structure.


I try not use 'sex bias' phrase. Write 'human beings.', instead of human.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; schools as oppose to parents; different forms of violence [6]

This is good. However, you should state your opinion for this part. Also, a hook can be attached as well.
Have a look at the prompt:


Let me give a try for the into:
Children are tomorrow assets to family and nation. They are needed to teach in better ways. Some people think parents have legal authority to educate children to be successful in life and a well-functioning Society. Some others believe children should be sent to school to learn such way. Both views have their own merits and demerits. However, I would argue that parents should help children grow into responsible life.


Write 'four corners.' Omit hyphen.


This item is highly common.
Use these less common lexical items:
The aforementioned evidence examines that ...
Given this evidence, it can be seen that ...

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / ielts writing task - Causes of obesity and worsening people's health and fitness [5]

When you deal with IELTS, the first thing the assessor sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read.

Hence, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.

This intro shows complexity.
Possible solution: I always highlight keywords from the prompt. Then simply paraphrase them. Have a look at the prompt with the boldface types:


Let me give a try:
A general lack of wide-ranging health care and fitness leads health problems. One example is obesity. I would argue life-changing decisions can be the main factors. I too believe the best measures can be taken to tackle this problem.




Avoidingis a subject as gerund. Then word is is a predicate

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'satisfaction'; People are never satisfied with what they have [8]

You had a number of suggestions/ meaningful feedback as to how your writing could be improved, but I see you don't take the writing into serious consideration yet.

To justify what I'm saying, have a look at your essays' feedback given by previous commentators:

We always suggest to follow the structure (a 4-paragraph essay) for your overall essay. The key word of IELTS/TOEFL essay is "arguments": ie you need more than one argument and in a correctly constructed essay each argument requires a separate paragraph. Then, the four-paragraph essay is good for coherence and cohesion between the sentence-to-paragraph-to-essay construction.

What is your reason for writing with the five-paragraph essay?

Book Reports / Term Paper, Comparing two novels with an original thesis. [4]

I enjoy reading this writing. You write well.


Instead of using an appositive, I prefer using an attitude adverb, emphasizing the whole sentence.
Apparently ,wealth drives many Englishmen towards measures that deny human right or freedom of choice


I feel that I should put a comma before the word but (at the beginning of an independent clause)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; 'I can't think too quiet' - Making important decision alone. [7]



I am afraid that you are overusing the linking devices. I think the better way is to avoid using lots of the connective words. If you think that you need to earn coherence and cohesion, pay particular attention to demonstrate cohesion.


Problems with subject-verb agreement


Noteworthy:read as many IELTS writings/ authentic texts as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'Woman'; behavior of children and the role of a modern mother [6]

I like this writing. Here are some ideas to share
For: a career woman is mostly blamed for current condition when level of juvenile delinquency is increasing.
Against: Environment, family, and technology are also determined a lot in forming the characteristics of young generation.


Social rank


Raise a Child


Fused sentence. How to correct it? Visit this link: grammartips.homestead.com/fusedsentence.html