Writing Feedback / SLIPPERS OF FATHER [11]

You are welcome, and thanks for the 16 times you have helped other people here at EssayForum.

Undergraduate / BU essay - Artistic, receptive, and inspired [5]

Trim away the details and see what great experience you can give the reader:
A history of performances I have been in and songs I have writte n can displays my three main characteristics: [list them here]. Each theatrical performance play I am in contains the (artistic distinctions ???) I value, and each song I write is...

What is up with the artistic distinctions part? Make sure everything you write has real meaning -- no using generalities as space fillers!

I like this next part ----> inspired by either another piece of music or something I have learned if life.

My life is driven by inspiration.

Here are those generalities again:


I suggest reading some powerful literature full of meaning. How about if you read some articles about the work of Carl Dreyer? Much has been written about the meaningfulness of his cinematic art... and it might give you some inspiration and ideas with which to fill this essay with profound, clear statements about your art.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay "Shower Dreams" [10]

No comma here: I am a surgeon with the ability to ...

I'm impressed! This is quite a brilliant piece of writing. I hope you'll pay attention to some of the classic literature you'll encounter in college and really hone your skill.

As the essay is not, is seems like it is incomplete. What is the significance of the parents fighting. What is the significance of the shower? This is already excellent, but if it was to be, for example, part of a novel, you would want to make the shower symbolic of something (washing something away, perhaps), and you would connect all the details in that conclusion para. A good way to perfect this is to mention every point made in the essay when you write the conclusion paragraph. What is the significance of the shower, and what is the significance of them fighting... those are my main questions.

Thanks, you make me a better writer with your example!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay "The main task of universities is to offer the students with the...D [3]

Undoubtedly, providing students more practical or academic education has become a great...

Therefore, I can find the way and do a great job as well as I can.

or

Therefore, I can find the way and do the best job as better as I can.

Writing Feedback / Personality: A Trait Interactionist Perspective [10]

I don't think you need to capitalize Philosophers and Psychologists at the start there...

But... maybe you use some conventions that are different from what I know; I see that this is in UK English...

The first paragraph is very interesting. Trait interactionism is interesting! I found this article that might be interesting to you
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12814298

In my theory, an individual 's personality...

Wow, thanks for sharing this. It needs some visual models, but you probably made some and just could not post them to this forum. A chart would be great, because it could show how various traits interact, and it could give examples!

I look forward to seeing how this develops as a new perspective in personality theory!

Undergraduate / Spina Bifida - I am exceeding my characters limit! [3]

Use a comma for compound sentences:
I was born with a condition known as Spina Bifida (meaning, a split spine), and this condition...

It is not quite right to say the opportunities are little. They are few.
Also, the opportunities open for the disabled in Saudi Arabia are scarce -- even nonexistent in some regions.

In conclusion, I wish to cite from an excerpt I once ... wait, was it an excerpt, or was it something else?
In conclusion, I wish to cite some words by [name of author], who writes, "It is a waste of time to be angry about my disability. One has to get on with life and I haven't done badly. People won't have time for you if you are always angry or complaining."

Or you can write ... cite an adage by an unknown sage: "It is a waste..."

And the comma-compound sentence thing again here: This stuck with me , and this is how I have lived my life so far.

Writing Feedback / I agree that people with hard work attitude are more important than ones with natural ability. Toefl [5]

I agree with the notion that willingness to engage in hard work is more important than natural ability. Working hard teaches people about...

Despite the fact that hard-working students spend more time studying (...), they can be equally successful in the exam. To illustrate, my brother, who is now a solider in the army, spent one year studying to pass the exam.

Moreover, my brother told me patience is ... ---Now you should write:
My brother's friend has the ability to pass the test, and he also has patience; his friend might have only the ability to pass, but not the ability to be patient.

Also, hard-working businesspersons are able to establish a large company. ...

It depends on the purpose for which you are working for to get a career, (...), raise a child,or complete any other of life's challenges.

Undergraduate / Her face -U Wisc-Madison prompt [4]

I think your use of a semi-colon after tick and tock might not be the best way to go. I think it would be either a dash or an ellipsis. (ellipsis is this ... )

You write so well, with such unique rhythm. I think, though, that this is too much narrative and not enough answering the prompt. I mean, if you were assigned to write this as a writing assignment for a class, points might be deducted for writing all about this instead of writing a good composition about contributing to the enrichment of a community.

Luckily, you write so well that revising will be easy!

Undergraduate / 'mixed in awe, fear and some incomprehensible excitement' - Common app_ topic of your choice [15]

The title is captivating, because it makes me wonder, what is the significance of telling me this?

In order to better convey your meaning, I suggest lengthening the second paragraph and using it to stop being so abstract, just for a few sentences, and tell the reader about the meaning of this story and how it is related to your intended major. After that, go back to the story.

Graduate / I had been a big devotee of fairy tales; SOP for MFA of Design/art department [4]

This is so interesting!
I felt an urge to engage in the creation of such worlds - that is, to become the god of such beloved worlds a nd cast magical spells on my audience.

Oh, I have a good idea for this part! below
Despite the fact that I have the necessary knowledge fo r creating time-based work such as films and animation, I also feel a great need to engage in graphic design and to diverse my skill.

Only use that idea if you like it!

I believe your scholastic-based program would grant me a new perspective on art.

Undergraduate / 'African-American men swayed' - UW Cultural Difference Essay [6]

Well, it looks interesting and nice if you put quotes around it:
"Impersonal" was the only...

What was the discreet interaction with the taxi driver? I'm intrigued! Hmm.. maybe discreet is not the word that captures your intended meaning.

Okay, how about this:
"Impersonal" was the only word to describe the feeling in the air.
or
"Impersonal" is the only word to describe the atmosphere in New York City.

I think you should divide this into a few paragraphs for good organization.

Book Reports / I need help writing a personal response essay on Identities by W.D. Valgardson [3]

As I read through the first four paragraphs, I envisaged the setting that Valgardson had intended to illustrate by using contrast. Valgardson illustrates the wealthy part of the city and the poor side with (insert adjective here) descriptions. For example, he writes, "no ragged edges..."

Throughout the story, I thought that the protagonist does not belong anywhere as he remained unable to adapt... ---> I added remained to make it a little more detailed.

I agree with Mustafa; you should dig deep and tell about your personal experience a little more. Add an intro para above and a conclusion below, and use the same main idea in each.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I guarantee to not let down this marvelous institution" - FSU essay [5]


You should write I guarantee that I will not let...
I think "guarantee not" does not work.

...aided me in forming my strengths and character that consist comprise my personalit y today me on this present day.

Use dashes to manage complex sentences:
Vires, the word representing strengths in many forms -- such as physical, emotional, and intellectual -- is a huge...

Undergraduate / Common App Essay (Topic of my choice) - The True Gratification of a Black Belt [4]


Oh... this part is not good... ha ha, don't write a few inches less than ten more. How about:
Being in the ring with someone fifteen years older and seven inches taller along with ten years of belt seniority over me is intimidating -- and also a bit frightening. The "belt seniority" means little to non-martial artists, an to martial artists, it suggests too much focus on belt. Using the phrase "seniority in the art" is more becoming of a practitioner.

Fighting through the test was not just a physical test, but also an emotional one.---> You gave some good descriptions here!

It taught me that there is no pinnacle in life - everything can be consistently improved and built upon.----> I think you can do better than this sentence. Because of your unique personality, you must have gained insights that were unique. In this conclusion para, nae an insight or two that came from the experience and do not involve perseverance. The essay is only cliche if you focus too much on the perseverance, because that is the cliche part. Give an unexpected twist in the last para.

:-)

Essays / comparison/contrast essay: Two cities [9]

Here is a great site to get you started. I look forward to seeing it!
unc.edu/depts/wcweb/handouts/comparison_contrast.html

Make sure that, regardless of similarities and differences, in both the first and last paragraph you give the thoughtful idea (thesis) that is the soul of your essay.

Book Reports / Romeo and Juliet: "The Mantle of Mistakes" [4]

You write very well!! I haven't read the essay yet, but the material about how bad your writing is is very good. Good use of commas, apostrophe... funny, engaging style. Check out Strunk and White's Elements of Style, and you will be way ahead of the game.

and put an e on the end of Shakespeare!

Okay, I'll read the essay; wait right here.

You do write very well! I want to work with your thesis statement. You are correct to put it at the end of the 1st paragraph; that placement is not always necessary, but it is a good way to go.

The characters that induced the most dramatic and critical effect upon Romeo and Juliet's death are Tybalt, the Nurse, and the Friar Laurence.-----> Did they affect the death, or did they affect the circumstances that caused the death? I think they affected circumstances.

So...
The characters that induced the most dramatically and critically affected the circumstances that led to...

...and don't write "Romeo and Juliet's" but instead... the deaths of Romeo and Juliet are Tybalt, the Nurse, and the Friar Laurence.

I am so surprised that this was your first essay. Thank your parents and teachers for making you so smart.

Writing Feedback / History Class - Canadian Great Depression Essay [3]

This is good material. The quote you used in the first paragraph does fit well... I just think the essay needs a theme. Can you highlight an idea both in the intro and conclusion paragraph? Let that conclusion refer back to a thoughtful theme from the intro. What is the central truth of the essay?

I know it is to be an exposition of what you have learned, but it is also an essay, so give it a "moral to the story."

...hit hard by the Great Depression (no cmma necessary here) and the problems it brought along.

Graduate / Towards the democratization of supercomputing, my SOP for EECS PhD at Stanford [4]

Another critical driving factor that drives me to pursue my PhD is a desire to understand things.

This is really impressive. It shows good writing skill, and your accomplishments are impressive.

You write very well; I'm surprised to hear that you are not a native speaker of Eng.

I started my academic career at [], where I completed... You write without errors, so I'll give you advice about style. Don't start a paragraph like this, or it will sound like the start of a long personal story -- the reader's mind shuts down. Precede this sentence with a new topic sentence for that paragraph. Make it an entertaining one, perhaps even a humorous observation about yourself as a student. That would make this essay complete!

Undergraduate / Why UChicago (diabetes changed my life and goals)? [7]


What do you mean... to heavy of a topic? I think it's great. But remember, it is also obvious that diabetes would affect someone's goals/worldview, so use it as a jumping off point. Don't write it all about diabetes. Write about the shift of perspective.

Undergraduate / Lafayette College describe a creative or academic interest... [4]

Someday I dream of being a novelist, but for now writing is just a way to keep from losing it.
Great sentence!!! Ha ha, that was the best part of the essay. I'm glad you are going to take writing as your art. Please consider using tis powerful sentence as the first sentence of the essay.

Also, google this: proprioceptive writing
That is something I use now, after reading about it, but you figured it out intuitively!

I think you should let the reader know the significance of Ham, but... concentrate on the main point of the essay. Do not go too much into the story. Write about how you dove into prose as your brand of escapism and therapy.

Book Reports / Macbeth WAS corrupt, figurative language and a theme! [5]


I like that phrase... I've never heard it.

Your first para ends with a sentence about how one can slide into corruption, and the last paragraph is about 2 different things:
1.) Figurative language was no doubt Shakespeare's key to illustrating his message in the celebrated play; The Tragedy of Macbeth.
2.) The play shows that sometimes one is but the push of a breeze away from moral descension.

Can you make the thesis clearer? is it about figurative language/devices or about the slippery slope to immorality? Sharpen that thesis in the 1st and last para.

Undergraduate / "an entirely different world" - Lafayette College supplement question [4]


Easily.

I say write a new last sentence. Don't mention the ratio, because it sounds like you are just writing what you see on their website. Imagine what specific role you might play in the field you will probably master... write like an aspiring expert, someone with a clear plan. Give details.

Essays / Need Ideas! 5 Page Essay on concept defined by both author within their writing. [5]

This kind of essay is tough, because you have to be familiar with all involved works before you can think of what to write. I hope you have read King's letter, it is so powerful!

Undergraduate / 'the cookie cutter world' - Diversity, Help with rutgers essay =/ [4]

Should cookie cutter have a hyphen?
...break free of the cookie-cutter world in which my life has ______ and experience...
I am not sure... When you use it as an adjective, it is nice to use a hyphen.

Research Papers / Research Paper on Reincarnation [13]

Ha ha, I see what you mean, heather. :-)


It depends on what that sound is associated with in their minds. That sound, god, is emotionally charged! You gave a great explanation here, but some people automatically think of a vengeful god that might damn them. For some people, the word has been ruined, so it is a good thing the word is only a sound.

Undergraduate / 'not immediately rushing into college' -Common App - an art student, Transfer Student [4]

As my peers passed me by (no comma here) on their ways to new schools, new states, new lives -- I remained still in hesitation.---remained and still are redundant together.

In transferring to Philadelphia University, I hope to immerse myself in an environment that will expand my mind creatively and intellectually, as well as further my growth as an individual.---> too general, too cliche. How about revealing something about yourself here. Maybe you hope to immerse yourself in conversations with particular faculty members, or in particular settings at the school that appeal to your personality.

Research Papers / Paper on Euthanasia-How to argue it can be research paper & not just persuasive [5]

Do you mean that the professor does not think the topic is a good idea? It certainly can be a research topic. If the prof does not want it to be persuasive, introduce your paper by saying it is a review of literature that is specifically intended to be objective.

You can focus on legislation in various countries, or you can even focus on ethical arguments that have been made. Use your school database to find excellent, scholarly articles, and write a paragraph about each. When you have lots of pages, write the intro and conclusion.

A third idea for a research paper would be to research the various techniques that have been used in the history of euthanasia.

Undergraduate / DePaul Essay -- Goals, Challenges, Community, Interests [4]

I never thought something like this could happen to me, but when it di d and as a result I realized that even the strongest woman can feel pressured to accept harassment, even me.---as a result would make it sound like something resulted from your never having thought it could happen.

Undergraduate / Common App question: Elaborate on one of your activities. Activity: Running [5]

If you are going for brevity, go all the way:
Running has caused me the worst pain of my life . You have to experiment to see where you can take words out to make the reader's experience more powerful. Running has caused the worst pain. Your sentence is intriguing if you cut unnecessary words.

Hey, I like your theme but the last sentence is a little cliched! How about making a funny or striking observation, something you figred out about running that others don't know. I can tell you have a deeper understanding; you have a nice way of writing.

:-)

Undergraduate / essay about how my personal backround has shaped who i am today [4]

...and the activities in which you choose to participate in can all play a very big roles in shaping the person you become.

From living right outside New York City, to living near the mountains of Northern California, to all the trees of [***], Virginia, where I've lived for the past five years.----> This is not a complete sentence. Just write, From living right outside New York City to living near the mountains of Northern California, my personality has been gradually sculpted, but [***], Virginia, has been where my learning experiences have taken place for the past five years.

Undergraduate / "My very own song" Common App Essay about my life as an exchange student [6]

You cannot get it out, so you sing the chorus all along, and you just cannot stop thinking about it.

...age of fourteen. ----> looks nicer than 14.

...sing the chorus of my dream all along with the influences I have experienced forces that have influenced me -- guiding me in the foreground as this distinctive melody plays in the background.

That is just an idea I had. I don't know if it is the right way to say it. I just wanted to get rid of "influences I have experienced."

Undergraduate / Brown University supplement: What don't you know? [6]

No! You cheated! Too much of this is spent telling what you do know, and that was not their challenge. You have a few options about how to approach this, but no matter what, you should go deeper than saying you do not know some of the things a surgeon should know.

You might want to mention how young people often make mistakes because they think they know all they need to know, and talk about some of the areas of medical knowledge that you do not know about. By doing that, you can reveal your interests while telling what you do not know.

Or... if you confess, for example, that the writing of this essay made you realize that you actually do not know everything you should know about first aid, that would make the essay very powerful.

Undergraduate / attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), Issue of importance, essay help [2]

Anita has been giving some great help...

Hey, I think your first sentence should grab the attention instead of trying to inform the reader about the content of the essay... so how about not mentioning ADHD in the first sentence:

For me it has been hard being a person diagnosed with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) because I am full of different feelings and emotions that have a great...

See, this, above is a powerful start. Well, actually, each essay should start with five minutes of breath meditation, but after that you should write a sentence that is really full of energy -- a sentence that captures the reader. After that, explain what the essay will be about.

Thus Taking into account these ideas, mentioned I can conclude that ADHD diagnosis complicate access to educational information but there are different kinds of...

Undergraduate / "Daunting, isn't it?", significant experience and its impact on you.. [6]

This part does not work with the "which gave me... for when I..." because they are two different ideas:
Throughout the day I was disallowed to speak to anyone, which gave me a while to contemplate; for when I have time to myself I tend to let my thoughts wander off.---See, that way it is like two sentences. But they are related, so we use a semi-colon.

Undergraduate / My world, my Greek family, my dreams - UC Prompt #1; Weightlifting and Psychology [12]


Ah, that is good advice. When we look carefully, we see that "great minds think alike" because what they have in common is... truth. I notice that ancient Stoicism, for example, has much in common with some sects of Zen Buddhism, and if my understanding was not so superficial I would probably see even more connections.

Education has taught me that it is important to keep a healthy...---> What if you use a wod here that is more specific. What can you say that names the particular type of education you had? Maybe you will give an adjective or a word that is more descriptive.

Research Papers / Research Paper on Shakespeare's Iago [14]


Pretty impressive, Eric, you already have the skills necessary to be a good teacher or editor.

Undergraduate / common app essay #1 Experience that impacts you "he who hesitates is lost" [2]

Hey, those are some great corrections Anita, thanks for the time you spent on this.


We had the Russian thing going... this is a cool sentence; I like it, but for this essay it should be a little clearer. We both had our Russian heritage in common...

And also... you become redundant saying over and over how long you were friends. Instead of using three different sentences to assert how long you were friends, use one of those sentences to tell some of the ways he inspired or helped you.

Again, that last sentence of the first para asserts that you always stayed in contact.. it is too much mention of how long you were friends. Use the last sentence of the first paragraph to tell the essay's main idea -- the main theme!

That quote that you end with... try putting it in the first paragraph somewhere... and then end both the first and last paragraph with the same theme. what is the theme, the moral of the story?

I'm sorry for your loss.

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]

Thus, having spent a semester feeling overwhelmed by...


This last sentence of the first paragraph should probably tell the reader something about what the whole essay will mean. It is a very important sentence in any essay. the last sentence of the first para leaves a thought that lingers in a reader's mind, and it should be one that offrs that "takeaway" idea... the idea that you want the reader to take away from the essay after reading.

So.. the idea in the conclusion, which makes your main point, should be stated in that intro as well. Otherwise, the essay is all narrative. A narrative essay is not bad, but in this case the narrative part should SUPPORT the theme... and the theme is that takeaway idea.

:-)

Essays / machiavelli , lao Tzu and edward henderson - comparison and contrast eassy [10]

You should google compare and contrast essay in order to see an outline of how to write that kind of essay. Here is a good one rscc.cc.tn.us/owl&writingcenter/OWL/Com_Con.html

LaoTzu is the opposite of Machiavelli. You need to read the writings of both, and both are available online. You'll see that Lao Tzu urges leaders to rule by letting things be as they are, but Mach advises rulers to be ruthless in order to preserve their safety and dominance. This should be a very interesting essay, but you must read all the necessary literature. It kind of seems like you are hoping someone will just tell you what to write so that you do not need to do the reading! Start with Lao Tzu, and read from the back of the book to the front (because his advice about ruling occurs in the latter half of the book. taoteching.org/

Undergraduate / A South Dakota backpacking trip - Common App the experience one [6]

A colon will work better than a comma here:
I ate everything on my plate, even my worst enemy: spinach.

That night, I cried for the first time since my dad left me.

Okay, I advise you to add to the intro and conclusion in a way that will show you as the person you are now, looking backk on the person you were 4 years ago. In the intro paragraph, let the reader know how old you were when this experience was happening.

It will be great if you can connect this with your intended major somehow at the end.

It will also be great if you compensate for all the man up talk by acknowledging, perhaps in the conclusion, that this celebration of manliness and equation of manliness with virtue is actually rather sexist. Now that you are 4 years older, it might be nice to acknowledge that their emphasis of manliness in association with virtue may not have been appropriate. This is especially important if your essay is going to be read by a female admissions professional.

This is a very emotive essay, and you write very well!!