Scholarship / NETWORKING SKILL IN RAISING FUND FOR AN EVENT [6]

Elen, your networking skill is too amateur and it did not evolve into a professional network for yourself so I do not believe that this is a competitive networking essay. A competitive networking essay is one that shows how you develop, maintain, and use your professional contacts within your profession. What you shared here is an extremely vague academic network that did not seem to have any relation to your profession at all. Therefore, this was only an extra curricular activity but not a networking activity. For the networking essay, you have to remember this most important requirement for your presentation:

...who will engage with the Chevening community and influence and lead others in their chosen profession.

As you can see, the professional setting is the highlight of the essay and that is what the essay should focus on. The academic network can only used to signify the evolution of your networking skills, it cannot be the focal point of your networking essay. You need to showcase your ability to network in a professional capacity. This is not the essay that responds to those requirements. Start over and write a more relevant essay.

Writing Feedback / Crime: recidivism of criminals. Causes and solutions [2]

Thanh, in the prompt paraphrase, you should have outlined the discussion to come based on your direct response to the given questions. Please remember that where questions that do not ask for a opinion are given in a Task 2 essay, a direct response of one sentence per question must be given as part of the thesis restatement in your response. Therefore, for your opening paraphrase, you should have indicated a full response to question 1 and question 2. such as:

One of the major causes that push the criminals to commit crimes upon leaving prison or jail is because they cannot find employment as an ex-convict. Therefore, the government should start a program that compels business owners to hire an ex-convict once he has completed his sentence and is returned to society.

Now, based upon your direct response to the question, the next 2 reasoning paragraphs should merely expand upon your given reasons in the prompt restatement. While you did a good job of discussing the reasons and possible solutions in your current essay, the problem with it is that your reasons are too many and the supporting ideas are incomplete. That created a less than clear discussion and reasoning presentation on your part, which may have an effect on your C&C scoring consideration. Therefore, you did a good job in the discussion, but it has room for improvement.

Writing Feedback / Some believes that the authorities have a paramount role to minimising bad environmental impact [3]

Do, unfortunately, I cannot give you advise regarding the content of your essay nor your discussion. The reason that I cannot do it is because you have written only 247 words out of the required 250 minimum word count. As such, in an actual test setting, your essay will not be qualified to get a passing score since major point deductions will be made for the lacking words up to minimum word count. Therefore, you will not have written a passing essay. It will be impossible for you to pass since you will also have points deductions for the LR, C&C, and GRA sections. The essay will also be considered under developed in terms of discussion due to the lacking word count.. Therefore, for this particular essay, my advise to you is this, make sure to write at least 250 words before you submit your essay for assessment and scoring. It does not matter if you are just writing a practice essay, everything from the timing to the word count should be based on an actual test setting as that is what you are preparing for.

Scholarship / CHEVENING ESSAY - Networking to deliver ideas, innovation, do the action, and bring solution [7]

Santhika, your networking skill is very weak. It is not the kind of networking discussion that would be given much attention by the Chevening reviewer because you are speaking of an in-house network within your workplace. While that is considered a network, it is a local area network rather than a national network, which is what the scholarship wishes to have you indicate.

A national network is depicted through your interaction with other professionals outside of your workplace. It is given as an example when you are capable of using these networks to achieve a level of success within your workplace which would not have been possible without them. Or, when you are able to offer valuable help to a friend in a different company, whom you met through a notable event such as a seminar or training program, which helped your friend complete his own work task. Networking is all about how you interact with others in a professional capacity. It is not whittled down to just the IT staff at your office. That is the weakest type of network that you can present.

Chevening is looking for networking experience on your part. Proof that you are capable of creating useful contacts outside the workplace and whose capacity to be of significant help to you can translate into a notable participation for yourself and your network as a Chevening scholar. This essay does not provide that type of insight and is therefore not usable. You will have to write a new essay.

Scholarship / Sustainable management to address business impacts (Chevening - Studying in the Uk essay) [5]

Ana, considering that you have a strong academic and professional background in the field of interest, I was expecting to read a more definitive reason for your university and course choices. Specifically, I would have liked to have read about your current professional duties and responsibilities as these apply to your chosen course. As you very well know, you are being asked to justify the future career application for your course choices, which you have indicated in the paragraphs. However, the professional foundation for your choice is unclear.

It is always assumed that your university course choice is based upon a current professional need or responsibility that you feel you neglect to fulfill or that you can perform better in with proper academic and practical training. I only see a sense of how the course choice will help you in the future, but not why you have chosen the course at the moment. It isn't just about what you hope to learn, but how your current professional actions have helped to prepare you for this course.

The baseline for the course completion capacity on your part is signified by both the academic and professional foundations on your part. Strengthen the professional aspect in order to build an even stronger essay.

Scholarship / A bioarchaeolgist seeking career change (Chevening 'Study in the UK' question) [3]

Yun, you have given a clear idea as to why you wish to change your career trajectory but you have not justified how you have gained practical experience in the field in order to qualify as a potentially successful student in the MS fields you have chosen. Your 3 university choices are confusing to read as you failed to divide the universities and courses into individually developed paragraphs. You must also indicated not only what you hope to learn from the course, but what the future application for the course within your new career will be. Otherwise, there is no real relevance to your professional goals that can connect the two.

As for your choice of the same course at two universities, separate the discussion of those universities. Each university must have a different highlight in terms of learning goals for yourself that will result in 2 different career improvements for you once you return to the workforce. Each university needs to have a differing reason for your choice. You cannot simply say that both universities work for your purposes, how do you expect the reviewer to choose a particular university for you in that instance? That is a lazy way of choosing a university and your application may suffer because of that laziness on your part.

The essay in itself is not as strong as it could be due to your lack of academic background and professional qualifications for your field of interest. However, you can try to strengthen the university choices as it applies to your future career goals. That should help to make the essay relevant, at the very least, towards your academic and career interests.

Scholarship / Leadership: the ability to take initiative, bring people together to find solutions and make changes [4]

Yun, since the volunteer activity that you have is not the reason behind your masters degree application, you should make that presentation the shortest in this essay. The first paragraph helps to explain your theory about leadership. That is good. Use certain aspects from your theory to describe your volunteer activity leadership and influencing activities. Top off the essay with a clear depiction of how you apply your theories to your professional leadership and influencing tasks. The reviewer must understand how you embody these theories in action within your profession. Your community description should only serve to build-up to the professional presentation. It should not be the other way around. Once you revise this essay to picture each aspect of your L&I skills in the proper manner, it should be more effective and relevant to your MS course choices.

I can tell that your volunteer activity is something that you feel strongly about and that you hope to use as the foundation for your leadership and influencing abilities. However, without its connection to your actual profession, your essay does not indicate that you are going to be capable of becoming a leader and influencer within your professional field. That is the most important aspect of the essay that must be represented because it is clearly stated in the prompt. That is why the essay needs to be presented in a more relevant and prompt responsive manner.

Research Papers / The Dangers of Geoengineering research paper [2]

Hi Darianne. I believe that you have written a solid essay that requires only a few tweaks and some grammatical editing in order to become better presented to your professor. As I reviewed your first paragraph, I found myself wondering about the meaning of geoengineering. The definition of the term should have come before you posed your thesis statement and hypothetical questions in the paragraph. You need to first, create a solid foundation for the discussion by explaining what it is about, then ask your questions as they pertain to the given discussion.

The overall discussion responds to the questions and really explains what is going on and why geoengineering could pose a greater threat to the environment rather than actually saving it. I found myself learning more about the topic as your presentation progressed. That is why I believe that your research paper could stand to get a good grade once you submit it.

As for the editing. Those are more of sentence structure problems. Sometimes the grammar needs to be reworked to fix the presentation. You could try using the bundled editing software that came with your document program or, you could hire professional services for that. Either way the changes that need to be done are minimal and do not necessarily affect the meaning or presentation of the discussion topic per paragraph.

Scholarship / Networking aspects powerfully enhanced my professional and personal life [3]

Alaa, since the focus of Chevening with the networking essay is to prove that the applicant has a strong and currently active professional network, I believe that your essay will benefit more if you omit the social services aspect of your networking profile and instead focus on the professional side. The change in focus is based on the way that Chevening is asking you to prove that you have a network of professional contacts that can be of use to the other members of the Chevening community in the future. They are not asking for social organizational contacts, which seems to be the strong suit of your current presentation. Skip that part, focus on the professional aspect instead.

I want you to specifically focus on explaining how your network of professional contacts helped you launch your business as a freelance designer. That is what the reviewer will definitely be interested in learning about. That should be the focus of your essay. So develop a new essay that fully develops that networking aspect of your professional career. Then revise your concluding paragraph and explain why you believe Chevening scholars past, present, and future will benefit from the addition of your contacts to the roster. Specifically, how your Alexandria based contacts will be beneficial to them.

Scholarship / Leadership will open up the meadow of endless leadership and influential values to be harvested from [2]

Haekal, this essay takes too long to get to the point and when it does, the point is irrelevant to the prompt requirements. The reviewer is not interested in your life story so you can remove the first 2 paragraphs of your essay that references what it was like growing up for you. Your teach position does not show any real leadership nor influencing skills as there is no reference to that in the presentation. As a teacher you teach lessons, you do not impart leadership. Visualization exercises cannot be misrepresented as influencing skills either.

The college activity has potential but it appears that you did not need to lead the team but rather, work with others to accomplish tasks. Therefore, you were more of a team member rather than a team leader. You need to better develop your role as a leader and influencer in that aspect of your college extra curricular participation. That is the only part of this essay that shows some leadership and influencing potential of note. Any chance that you have a better leadership and influencing experience on a professional level to show how your leadership and influencing skills have improved since your college days?

Please do not treat the Chevening essay as a class lecture. That is how the majority of your discussion is represented. You appear to be talking down to the reviewer, which will be a direct insult to his intelligence and capacity to review your qualifications as a potential Chevening scholar. Don't tell him how to do his job. Just present strong examples of your leadership and influencing style. That is the main focus of this essay and that is what should be strongly seen when he reads your work.

Scholarship / Create a new concept for payment - Networking Chevening [4]

Ahmed, never cut a long story short when it comes to a Chevening presentation. You need to tell the story of the network development with Samsung completely. That means, you will need to edit your presentation to shorten the first 2paragraphs to just the bare bones with regards to the information. Summarize that part because that does not really pertain to the creation, development, and maintenance of your network. Free up additional words as best as you can so that you can properly present the SamsungPay information in the essay. More importantly, Tell the reviewer what the result of the "2017 Strategic Initiative" was. How successful is the SamsungPay project in your country? Do you attribute that to your successful networking practice? Why? These 3 questions should be answered in a concluding paragraph format so that the essay can close on a strong, positive, and impressive note.

Scholarship / Chevening Scholarship is a great opportunity for me to enhance my leadership skills [3]

Mehdi, your college leadership and influencing experience is not valid. You are using "we" rather than "I" in that discussion which means you are proving that you can work with a team, but not that you are capable of leading and influencing a team or potential participants. You can only use that reference if you are capable of telling the reviewer what your position was, your duties as a leader, and how you applied influencing or inspirational skills in gaining the cooperation of the team mates or drafting new members to the club.

As for your professional experience, the fact that you worked for your brother should have allowed you to fully reach your leadership and influencing potential. However, I do not read about any real leadership and influencing experiences during this time. You need to refocus the essay with regards to your professional aspect. The requirements are the same as the academic one except, you need to show a heightened sense of both leadership and influencing skills this time.

Try to write about more relevant leadership and influencing experiences. Don't use this current presentation. It is not going to be considered competitive enough during the screening process.

Scholarship / Being the eldest brother, I was a role model for my brothers and sister; Chevening application [3]

@docRecioui what are you doing in this presentation? Are you seriously presenting an outline presentation of leadership and influencing skills to the Chevening reviewer? What ever gave you the idea that you are applying for a job here and you should pass an outlined resume to the reviewer? This is the best way to be disqualified during the screening process. Correct your presentation. Use the required format as per prompt requirements.

You must present the information in a narrative essay format that uses specific examples from your background (academic, volunteer, professional) that will help to create the idea of your leadership and influencing style in the reviewer's mind. The reviewer needs these outlines to be presented in an expanded format, with proper discussion presentations as to how these L&I skills were developed and continue to evolve as you perform your professional tasks at present.

The Chevening scholarship application process should not be confused with a job application. The essays are part of the preliminary screening and interview process. So follow the prompt requirements. Do not deviate from it. Chevening has been known to disqualify applicants who do not follow the required format for information presentation.

Scholarship / The key words describing a successful leader - Leadership and influence (Chevening) [4]

Yousef, your presentation is extremely weak. There is no clear example of your college leadership and influencing skills and your second paragraph is not too clear as to whether this was still an academic or a volunteer function at a specific organization. Regardless, the lack of evolution of your leadership skills from academic to professional means this essay will not be considered as a competitive application essay.

Do not tell the reviewer about your abilities. Use examples that highlight your skills. Make sure the examples show the foundation of your leadership and influencing potential. That means the academic example needs to be more specific. Then transition that into how you applied the same skills, with improvements, in a volunteer setting. Finally, give a concrete example of how the improved skills have seen further enhancements due to its importance in your profession.

Scholarship / Inspiring others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more. Leadership skills Chevening [5]

Gideon, trash the whole essay. This is not really the kind of leadership and influencing essay that will catch the reviewers attention. He will not be interested in definitions and quotes and explanations. That shows that you do not have leadership nor influencing skills as it pertains to your personal ideology of what a perfect leader and influencer is. When you write your revised essay, try to figure out if there was any instance during your one year mandatory military service that found you in a position of leadership that required you to influence your group. There might be something to that period of life in relation to the prompt but right now, I cannot see it. There is nothing in this essay that would qualify it as a Chevening L&I essay. So you don't need to revise, you need to write a new draft. Base your new draft on the sample essays you can read here. You should be able to get some ideas as to what you can present in your revised essay based on the work of the other applicants for this and the past application cycles.

Undergraduate / Singapore Military Service Personal Statement [3]

Rohan, as a background essay, this will work perfectly fine. However, I have to caution you against submitting the same essay to multiple universities as the universities tend to frown upon that practice. They do not like it when students use a one essay fits all university prompt requirements. Specially if you will be using the essay outside the common app prompts. The universities prefer that a shorter, more precise, and topic specific essay be submitted by the student for consideration. This essay can actually be divided into several common app prompt response foundations which means you have a very good essay created here. However, it should only be used as a reference for the development of a new presentation rather than submitting the same essay every time to various universities. Reviewers are trained to spot cookie cutter responses and this essay, although perfect in content, has all the signs of a potential cookie cutter response for prompts.

Graduate / How to write a good letter of intent for graduate school which must include a few points [3]

Muhammad, you have done a very good job of responding to the letter if intent requirements. However, your published work needs to be properly cited within the letter as the reviewer will most likely want to read your published work as part of your application process. This was specifically requested for in the section of the writing instructions that read: Mention any publications, presentations or conferences you have been a part of.

You seem to be short the conferences references in your essay. If you can mention a few then your ability to have an influential role in this area, or contact other professionals during your thesis projects will come in handy. The reviewer will know that you have the professional contacts who can help you succeed as a masters student. I know that you mentioned working with several people directly, but an ability to meet others who can help you beyond the workplace would make your ability to perform well as a student more evident.

Overall, the content is relevant. Your experiences make you a strong contender for a student slot. Just try to add a few of the information I indicated to further increase the strength of your background. Being a published researcher with evidence of that will definitely help your essay much more.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2 - Is it necessary to to learn about the world by traveling? [3]

Ronia, the essay clearly states that you have to write a 5 paragraph essay with 2 of these opinions being sourced from the public opinion. However, in your prompt restatement, you indicated that this was a single point of view essay by offering a direct response to the question instead of informing the reader that the discussion will be based on a 3 point of view reference.

Then, when you discussed the reasoning paragraphs, you failed to signify the ownership of the opinions being presented in the first 2 paragraphs. It appeared that rather than discussing the public points of view, you represented your opinion of the two points of view instead. Ownership phrases would have worked to strengthen the discussion towards the right approach. You could have said:

When considering the argument of people who prefer to watch travel TV...

While those who prefer to actually travel to various places...

My opinion is that...

Aside from that small error in presentation, I would have to say that you did a good job of discussing the given topic. It is interesting and well informed. The reader would definitely benefit from your insights.

Scholarship / I am actively connected to so many national and international professionals; networking skills essay [2]

Reza, thi sis not applicable as a networking essay as you are not sharing the exact method by which you develop real, not virtual relationships within your workplace that helps in the performance of your task. What you shared here was a project that you had to use leadership and influencing skills on in order to form your project team. So this is not a networking essay. A networking essay is created by providing clear references to job training or seminars where you interacted with other people from the same profession, whose expertise was able to help you later on in your work.

You can revise this essay by talking about the seminar you attended and how your seminar peers were able to help you with your community service projects in relation to street harassment of women in Kabul. From there, you can either add another community service network reference or transition to a professional network that you recently used for the completion of a task.

Truth be told, this is not an essay. This sounds more like you are just throwing ideas at a wall and hoping something will stick as a network. Unfortunately, none of these stuck so you will have to think about the suggestions I made and write a new essay based upon it.

Undergraduate / SOCIAL DOGMA OF MATHEMATICS - Common App Essay on Math (Prompt #3) [2]

Nafee, you have chosen a very boring topic to discuss in this essay, Math. Which you know most people do not like and when presented with this one sided discussion, it comes across as extremely disinteresting to the reader. It also feels like it is running too long. Any chance you can whittle this down to 500 words or less? Now, let's discuss the prompt that you have chosen to use with this discussion. I do not believe that you have chosen the right topic for this discussion. I believe that you are relating the discussion to your chosen major right? Which means you are discussing an academic centered topic in the essay.

The prompt is actually asking you to discuss a personality or belief centered topic for the prompt. That is why you are asked about a belief you challenged or an idea. The reviewer wants to get to know what sort of social beliefs and values you stand for. He wants to know what kind of person you are if you are not thinking about academics. What values or beliefs will you take with you to the university should you be accepted into the student community? What values will you share with the population? How will your admission to the university help to improve the student community? What do you represent in terms of a beliefs? How did this help you mature as a person? How was your thinking changed?

The reviewer wants to know how you have matured as a person as represented by your adult mindset social beliefs or values. He needs to be convinced that you are ready to enter college and you have the maturity in both logic and reasoning to handle the challenges that will be coming your way.

The essay that you wrote does not show the kind of maturity that the prompt is requesting you to provide. Consider changing the topic you are presenting. Should you wish to pursue using this topic, then use it for the open topic prompt discussion instead so that you can allow the essay to continue to reflect your academic realization as the essay represents at the moment.

Writing Feedback / Information is not always free - what's your opinion about it? [3]

Yuh, I will not score this essay since this is your first time posting at this forum. I always use the first essay to judge your English comprehension abilities along with other scoring considerations. I then offer improvement tips which I hope to see implemented with the next essay posting. So your essay will be reviewed as such. Please use these observations as points for improvement.

The most evident problem with your essay is the lack of English comprehension skills. You clearly did not understand what the reason for the discussion is and how it was to be discussed. Consider the following for clarification:

Original Reason: information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely.
Your Reason: we should pay for gaining information

As you can see, the original reason only indicated that information should not be shared freely. There is no reference to asking people to pay for the information. Therefore, you included information that would change the discussion slant of the essay. Which is exactly what happened since you made this mistake next:

Original prompt: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Your Prompt: In my opinion, information should sometimes charge for some reasons.

The first paragraph is all about restating the original discussion in your own words. This proves that you understand English discussions when presented with it. It appears that you do not have that skill well developed yet. The more appropriate paraphrase and approach to the discussion are as follows:

Most people believe that there are benefits to be gained in the field of science, business, and education when information regarding those fields are openly shared. However, there are those who are convinced that such information is too valuable to just share openly with others. By studying the reasons behind these two belief systems, I will be able to present an educated personal opinion regarding the open sharing of information in today's world.

When people think about openly sharing information, they do so because...

Considering the apprehensions of those who think the information should be held in secret, their reason is that...

Comparing these two reasons, I believe that...

Try to avoid using the standard phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" use transition phrases and original topic introduction sentences instead. This will help to increase both your LR and GRA scores. Before you focus on those aspects though, you need to first work on your English comprehension skills. Read the other sample essays here. Those should help you better understand what the essay discussion types are and how to best address the response presentations.

Scholarship / Essay for Studying In UK_Chevening Scholarship; statistics survey in Development Issues - Indonesia [4]

Sherly, the presentation is good but with a slight edit required. Remove the data about the poverty statistics in Indonesia that you presented in the second university choice discussion. The reviewer does not require that information. He just needs to know how the course applies to your job. The data about poverty is irrelevant because the masters course you will be studying does not focus on Indonesia alone. Just skip that part and go directly to the professional application instead. The last line of the third course option should be separated to indicate the start of your concluding paragraph. Add more information after that sentence, about 2-3 sentences more ought to help close the essay on a strong note. Try to close the essay with a hopeful note that indicates your desire to be chosen as a candidate based on your sense of nationalism and desire to help your country develop beyond its current status.

Scholarship / Chevening Leadership essay -- innovation in the newsroom [6]

Santhika, this essay sounds like you used the worst kind of online translator for your essay. The whole essay causes stress for the reader, shows that even as a journalist you do not have any grasp of how to form even the simplest of English sentences, and that you are most likely not capable of participating in an English based masters class at the highest academic level required. Your application will be revoked immediately upon the reading of this essay. The reviewer will immediately realize that you will not qualify based on the language requirements of the scholarship. Your English language skills, based upon this writing is at the beginner level, which does not bode well for your application.

I strongly suggest that you seek professional writing help for the proper completion of your essay. While I can pick up what it is that you are trying to say, the lack of clarity and coherence in your essay will prevent it from being fully read by the reviewer. He does not have the time to try to figure out what you are trying to say. Since the first few sentences of your essay are already problematic, you cannot expect the reviewer to finish reading your paper.

This presentation has potential. What is needs is an effective rewrite so that it can be presented at its strongest to the reviewer.

Scholarship / "The secret to leadership is simple, do what you believe in" - Chevening Scholarship Essay [3]

Olaide, stop wasting time by giving a very long definition of leadership with quotes from someone else. You will immediately lose the attention of the reviewer. Don't make yourself sound so important that you try to come off as a leader from the time you were in the crib. These are not important to the discussion. The whole essay could actually be deleted without further consideration due to the length of useless information that you are presenting.

Use an academic example from your college leadership days. Make it count. Choose an event where you actually led and inspired a group. Then explain how those learning moments carried over to your time at the NYSC and how it helped you lead during a pivotal moment in time in relation to an organizational activity. That transition should help you create a relevant and strong representation of your L&I skills.

If you wish to use the National Youth Service Corps leadership and influencing experience, then use the topic that is actually relevant to the discussion instead of presenting all of this useless fluff to the reviewer. Focus on YOUR leadership and influencing abilities. The reviewer could care less about the group experience as indicated by your constant use of the word "we" in this presentation.

Were you the one who led the group to undertake the donation CSR project? If you were, then discuss how you influenced / persuaded your team mates to donate their salary. Why should the reviewer consider this L&I a marked event that highlights your leadership and influencing ability? I sense snippets of that within your presentation but you were so focused on the unimportant presentations of the essay that you failed to use the strongest sample you have in the best manner.

Revise the essay to focus on the activity I indicated. That is your strongest example that just might help you advance to the next level of consideration. The current essay is nowhere near accomplishing that task.

Scholarship / Maintain good relations with positive people can help developing myself as a person; Chevening essay [2]

Adinda, your essay is descriptively strong but weak in example presentation. I would not rely on the academic networking skill that you have to push the total essay through for you in the application process. That is very weak. You only explained how the networks are developed and nurtured on your part. There is no real example of a currently working network on your part. The network needs to show a usability within your profession otherwise it will not be considered a proper networking example that will bring any benefits to the Chevening community. Try to include more working samples in the essay and less discussion of the nurturing part. The way you develop and maintain the networks needs to be shown within the samples rather than discussed separately.

The last paragraph of your essay should be removed and placed in the post study career plan discussion instead. The information included is irrelevant to the current discussion. So put a pin in it and use it in the more appropriate essay discussion instead.

Undergraduate / How tutoring English leads to a pursuit in communications - Supplement [4]

Hi Gaby, this is a very interesting presentation of a work related experience that also doubles as an extra curricular activity. You made the right choice topic wise. The dialogue in the essay helps to move your presentation along. It introduces the topic to the reviewer in an engaging manner, asking him to stay on till the end to find out how these lessons respond to the prompt. What you could do to further improve the presentation is tell the reviewer what happened to the students you were tutoring. Did you make a significant contribution to their language and communications improvement? If so, then include this as a particular past time that you hope to continue doing in college to help the ESL students from China develop their language skills during their and your spare time. Don't discuss your major as the actual topic for discussion is less academic centered and more skills and talent centered. The reviewer wants to know if you have any other interests that would make you an interesting addition to their forthcoming student roster.

Scholarship / I would like to improve myself with further education to be a better leader for my country [3]

So, this is a tremendously weak L&I essay because you spent most of the essay defining what you think leadership is all about then you went on to showcase your communication skills as a leader. Sadly, communication skills are not the only basis of being an effective leader. An effective leader would be able to explain, within the essay. how communication is the start of leadership because it leads to an understanding of the team problems, that leads to collaboration regarding solutions, with the final decision regarding how to handle the problem coming from the team leader. That is where the inspiration or influence of the leader comes in directly.

Based on the first situation you presented, it appears that all you have to do is better develop this example for the L&I essay. The second sample isn't really effective as it does not show any true potential for L&I discussion within it. Being a freelancer means you do not have the time to develop the professional relationship and camaraderie that a long time member of the team or office would have which could lead to a highlightable L&I example.

That is why I believe you should highlight only the first instance of L&I for this essay. Expand on the problems encountered, employee relation difficulties, and your ability to resolve issues through inspiration and leadership. The presentation touches on those points, it just needs to be developed further.

Scholarship / Career plan in HIV management programs - Chevening Essay [5]

Christi, rebalance the content of the essay to reflect your personal career plan with Goal 3 of the Sustainable Development Goals in Africa. Be specific about how the DFID functions as a support system in this area. What projects do they undertake that you feel you can contribute to? What sort of positive development do you hope to show through this collaboration? Bear in mind that the DFID project needs to be threshed out and you will have to prove that you have a solid plan in mind to help you gain the attention of the DFID so that the organization will feel like they must support any project that you will come to them with to discuss support for. Show a seamless integration between your suggested project and the current Goal 3 project that Chevening supports. Doing that will strengthen your post study plans.

Scholarship / As an international coordinator I established different networks of people I've been working with. [5]

Olga, this is still a leadership and influencing essay. It is not a networking essay because the discussion shows how you took charge of a situation, designed a solution, and then implemented it. You then faced an obstacle that you had to overcome through discussion and an exchange of ideas. These are clear leadership and influencing skills, not networking skills. I have tried to define what networking is to you but it seems you did not understand the definition I provided. I guess the only thing that I can do at this point is to try to show you a sample of an effective networking essay from a current applicant.

The way this essay is presented showcases the correct discussion points that you should work towards emulating. Until you can understand the difference between networking and the leadership and influencing essay requirements, you will keep writing the wrong essay for the networking prompt.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay on movie spoilers (Prompt #7) [4]

Kevin, you may want to balance the discussion with a representation of who you were before you decided to live a spoiler free life. What sort of mindset did you have? What is the difference between the person who watched the movie trailers and the person who skipped the trailers and went to see the movie cold turkey? Try to balance the essay between the two personalities that are clearly indicated in the essay. Don't leave your previous identity under developed. The reviewer wants to get to know that person too. Who you were before is just as important as the person you have become today because of your spoiler free life. Try to edit the beginning of your essay to introduce that aspect because it will help the reviewer understand the intricacies of your personality and how you have evolved from Person A to Person B. It will help make this essay more informative and interesting to read.

Scholarship / Studying in UK Chevening Essay - Opportunity to Learn the Business from its Best Practice [4]

Shaniqua, this essay is not offering the information as required by the prompt. What are the requirements that are not presented?
1. ...explain how this relates to your previous academic or professional experience
2. ... your plans for the future

You need to explain the foundation of your academic interest in the courses based on your college education. Explain how your college education relates to your interest in a masters course. Then, as you discuss the university and course choices, explain its relevance to your current profession and your future career plans in relation to the chosen masters course.

You cannot tell the reviewer which university you prefer to attend. You have no say in which university and course you might be approved to attend under the scholarship. What you can do is indicate which universities have offered you unconditional acceptance at this point since Chevening requires the students to have assured acceptance in at least one university before applying for the scholarship. It does not sound like you have an offer yet. Or do you?

Try to fix your presentation in terms of providing your academic background and professional experience in relation to each course you have chosen. The way this essay is currently written, it isn't going to be very effective in proving the reasons why you chose these universities and courses.

Scholarship / Career Plan Essay for Chevening Scholarship - Support Creative Economy Growth [3]

Shaniqua, since you indicated early on in the essay that your presentation covers the totality of your 5 year career plan, there is no need to go into greater detail of the discussion. It is enough for the reviewer to know that the plans you have outlined are all encompassing within 5 years. Dividing this into a long and short term presentation will just create unnecessary clutter in what I view to be a very strong post study plan presentation. Personally, I would not ask you to change anything in this essay because it is very good as it is. While there are some grammatical issues related to sentence structures in some parts of the essay, these did not hinder the understanding of the plans you are presenting. You many want to seek professional editing help to clean up the presentation but overall, you did a very good job in outlining your post study career plan in this essay.

Research Papers / Know When to Stop Before You Start The Gambling Addiction [3]

Shiela, your thesis statement could use some work. There is no real statement of the problem indicated. This should be a paragraph long statement that indicated the summary of the problem you will be discussing touching on discussion points and referencing possible solutions to the problem. The draft discussion points show promise but feels too rough for me to say that it is going to be a strong part of the essay. It has potential but needs to be developed further before I can tell you how to further improve it. Try to complete the draft so that we can seriously look into the editing process for this essay. I also need to know what writing style you are using for this paper (APA. MLA, Chicago, Turabian, Harvard, etc.) so that I can assess the applicability of your quotes and other information presentation.

I know that the discussion feels weak at the moment but that is because of the lack of full discussion paragraphs. All you have to know at the moment is that you are on the right track with the presentation but you need to complete the content before we can correct the problems, edit the content, and basically, revise the essay. Keep working in this direction. You are doing the correct research for the topic.

Undergraduate / Sloppy Joe Symphony - Common App Draft; something that sparked a period of personal growth [6]

Alesyka, the essay prompt choices are usually the same for most university applications. If the university you are applying to does not include the prompt I provided as on of the choices then it would be best not to change he prompt but edit the content instead. For your essay, you will need to write a totally new essay that would really show a period of realization that led to a personal development.

Like I said, what you wrote does not deliver tha requirement. So it is either you change the prompt to a more relevant one or, write a new essay basedd on a more in-depth analysis of an event in your life that could be applied to the prompt requirements. Sometimes it is better to simply change the prompt. Others who have an attachment to the prompt topic tend to write a new essay because they find the prompt very interesting to write about. So in the end, the decision is left up tp you. I can only offer guidance to help ypu make the right decision for yourself.

Scholarship / Networking is to connect with people - Chevening Essay in Networking Skills [2]

Vania, the networking requirement in his essay should be aimed at explaining how you have cultivated a professional network that has helped you within the workplace. The considerations forthis essay include how you developed the network, how the nettwork was used, the outcome of the networking practice, and how the network was extended to include a new party that will prove to be useful to you and Chevening in the future. If you are part of someone else's network and you came to the assistance of that person, include that in the essay as well. These will prove that you have a functioning network in real time raher than virtual time.

It is the real world development and use of your network that matters to the reviewer. Wihout it your networking skills will be viewed as minimal and of little use beyond the virtual world. While I acknowledge that networks can help you get a job, the essay is asking you for a representation of a network beyond that. You need to show a network where you have inluence that could be useful to the other members of the Chevening community. That is he weakest point of this essay and shoukd be improved upon.

Scholarship / Leadership comes in many way, even when you are not in a position as the 'leader'. [2]

Vania, in the first paragraph, your leadership and influencing experience does not come in until you were tasked to set up the same project in your area. Therefore the focus of discussion on this paragraph is wrong. Summarize the first part of the presentation so that you can call a greater focus to your establishing the project in your area. Discuss the obstacles that you had to overcome both within your group an other aspects of mounting the event. Explain how you influeced the outcome through the use of various skills.

Asnthisnessay requires a national or local component to th preswntation, be sure to highlight the national or local importance of this successful event to tie in with the future country leader requirement ofthe prompt. Apply the same considerations to your professional project and the essay should be in a better draft version for final version consideration.

Scholarship / The more communication you make, the more growth you will find in your networking and career [3]

Mohamed, you have written an essay that shows off your leadership and influencing skills istead of your networking prowess. I suggest that you set this essay aside and develop this later as your L&I essay. This had a tremendous amount of potentil that you can work with for tha essay. Write a new essay for the networking part. This time, explain to the reviewer how you developed your network. Don't just focus on communication. That is only one aspect of networking developmet. There are also workplace issues that put you into contact with others working inthe same field who can help you with accomplishing your tasks, or training requirements that increase your exposure to other people beyond your workplace who also move in the same circles as you do. These are the networking aspects you should be provig tonhave in this essay.

Try to think of more relevant events and examp!es you can present for this discussion. His essay does not work as a networkig essay.

Scholarship / I built relationships with people from many different cultures - scholarship essay [3]

Mohamed, for this essay, your first paragraph is really not required. The focus of the discussion had to be on the last 2 paragraphs where you present a semblance of leadership skills, but not influencing skills. Try to develop the discussions in thes portions by showing instances that required your leadership skills. Explain how hese skills led to your influencing the group. Don't discuss how you had to rely on other people to exp!ain to you how to do your job. That defeats your purpose as a leader. A leader knows how to consult with the team rather than other people to get the job done. That is what you have to show. Between showing that you know how to manage your team plus situation handling within the project, you should be able to show your real leadership and influencing skills in action.

Remember, you have to focus on the relevant story for the essay. The first part of this version is better used in a personal statement for a college application, not a Chevening scholarship application.

Scholarship / Why I chose UK and the 3 Courses - Chevening Studying in UK question [3]

Fitri, you need to explain your academic foundation for your chosen courses in line with your professional objectives. The essay doesn't even ask you to explain your objectives. It's asking you to justify your academic and professional preparedness to undertake these courses of study. You are not explaining those at all in your essay. The academic preparedness should be explained at the start while the professional relevance of your course choice should be included with every course choice. You cannot simply state that the course offerings align with your learning or professional objectives. You need to explain how these will be used in your profession in detail.

A better discussion of your course choice in line with your professional experience it's in order. You will need to revise the opening and closing paragraphs while increasing the relevance of the discussion to your profession on a per course and university basis. Revise the essay presentation in it's entirety so that all the required elements may be properly addressed.

Scholarship / Leader must be flexible, adaptable, able to communicate ideas and opinions in an understandable way [5]

Adinda, this is not an essay that can compete with other Chevening applicants. Your essay portrays your ability to work with a team but not in a leadership capacity as a college student. Your influencing reference is weak and doesn't really prove an ability to influence. The overall essay does not indicate a local leadership and influencing scale on any degree because you never truly led a group.

Your later professional reference doesn't even touch on the required discussion topics. Therefore it does not help progress your application essay. You need to delete this version and think about a more relevant presentation of the required skills on your part. Show team management and inspirational leadership whenever you can. If you have a community based leadership experience then that is also an acceptable presentation for this essay.