Student Talk / Should I apply for Early Action Program? I want to get my results faster. [5]

Take it slow! Study to improve those SAT scores. The normal feeling is to want to get it out of the way, but instead take it slow.

Undergraduate / Advice about the course - Writing 100 or 100ESL [3]

Hello my friend!
are hesitating to take this class because they think ----> keep that verb tense consistent.

Now we switch to past tense as you talk about what you did:
I improved my writing skills, and I started to write more clearly and avoid many grammatical and spelling mistakes.

After that, I send it to my English teacher, and he sends me the feedback.

or

After that, I send it to my English teacher, and then he sends me the feedback.

Undergraduate / Essay about my experience - not possible to be specific!? [15]


Yes, I understand that, for sure. The thing is, though, part of what we give each other is encouragement, and the other part is perspective. Only a small part is expertise. You can tell people how their essays affect you; your unique reaction to the essay will help them know their own essay better. That is what is cool about this forum. That's why everyone has something to contribute -- even someone who just recently started learning english...

:-)

Graduate / SOP ON INDUSTRIAL ENGINEERING [4]

This is one of my favorite precepts, and, having this point of life when I have completed my graduation, my future stands in front of me like a dream, and this adage...

I think that might be a little better, above, but still a little long.

...I have had been exposed to and gained deep insights about exposure to and insight into the field of Mechanical Engineering, which...

Grammar, Usage / Antisemitism or anti-Semitism? [8]

Semite is a proper noun, so you need a hyphen to make it possible to capitalize it.

Undergraduate / UC Essay Success; it can be defined in an infinite number of ways [5]

Success can only be defined in an infinite number ...

I don't think "only" goes with "infinite."

They protected me like bubble-wrap, shielding me... -----> nice!!!

He grew up with a modest upbringing but managed to graduate with a P.H.D., and now he works as a top engineer in America. ---> do you like it better this way? I do.

How about a dash:
This conclusion has led me to my aspiration to become a dermatologist -- the one type...

I like it!! I wish dermatology could be mentioned at the start of that first essay, and not just at the end.

You write very well. Watch out for verb tense consistency:
Clouds of dirt formed everywhere as the tires rolled on...

Undergraduate / Need Critiquing on my Cornell Interest Essay (CAS) [21]

Cool!! :-)

Undergraduate / UC personal statement, political science [6]

Great first sentence! As obvious and manifest as this...

The marriage of philosophy and history, Political Science, is my intended major.----> great presentation, great way of explaining pol. sci.

No neeed fo these commas:
This focus of interest and perspective through which I have absorbed my hitherto education have... ----> no using the word "hitherto!" but that is my personal rule... :-)

Born in the fall of...----> I think this needs to be the start of a new para.


Wow, I'm not editing for you anymore! You are already a better writer than me! That is a good quality for pol. sci.

I don't think you need to eliminate material, but you should use paragraphs with clear topic sentences and reflective/evaluative conclusion sentences.

Undergraduate / "picture perfect families" - UC Prompt 1 [4]

I am passionate about all that I do, and I know I can succeed in that upon which I set my mind. what I put my mind upon.

My passion is to pursue in a career of which that I am good at and I love doing.

This is great! I like it that you emphasize knowing what yoy want to do and how you want to do it.

In the community that I come from, everyone is...

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY " Shools should ask students to evaluate their teachers" [13]


ooh! I hate that!

Undergraduate / uc promt 1: addictions/world [2]

...thinking about the world in which I am trying to survive.

You write beautifully! Use a comma for compound sentences:
My world made sense, because I knew of no other.

...but back then it would have seemed like a terrible misstatement!

This has a lot of potential; you write very well. When an essay is largely anecdotal like this, it needs a strong theme. The theme should be captured in a single sentence tacked on to the end of that first paragraph. This theme will justify all the discussion of your father's faults, and it will make the essay quite powerful.

I do not want to go to a university and waste my time on drinking alcohol or consuming drugs, but instead I do want to take advantage of what It life has...

Undergraduate / Essay prompt 2# What is your intended major? [9]

I experienced a "Zen moment" when I realized that...-----> how about like that?

How could I make this character more well rounded? Wh at subjects are in the foreground, mid-ground, and background ?"
When something ends, to others it means it is all over. For me, it was just the beginning.

Undergraduate / Junior encounter. Described a experience that is important to you [3]

Memory is a very intriguing phenomenon. -----> How about that at the start?

This distinguished retreat experience has made a special mark...

I think the first para needs one more sentence to make it complete. You should add a sentence to the end of that first para, one that will be the core meaning of the whole essay.

...of which I am totally jealous," said by one of my senior leaders.

As a writer says "One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks"-----> It's better if you tell the name of the person you are quoting.

This is a great essay, full of personality and detail. What is the central truth, the main idea? Can you say it in a single sentence?

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2 - Listening to chinese music and how it's inspired me [13]

It would be good if that sentence was even more specific: what about your heritage inspired what about the person you are becoming?

It is good, but it could be better.
:-)

Undergraduate / FGCU Essay Rough Draft (Characteristics/qualities you posses..) [3]

I like the snowflake approach.

...even though I will be one...

I am very appreciative about the opportunities given

I was born in the 3rd world country of Haiti, and when I came to America at a young age the diversity and opportunities astounded me.

It looks like you need one more mention of snowflakes at the end to close it nicely! :-)

Undergraduate / Environmentalism and Leonardo da Vinci - The Common App Short Answer and Essay [10]

I like your phrase:
A somewhat little-known fact...

This really is very good, and it seems to answer the prompt well. I think you should take advantage of the opportunity to make a connection with your chosen field of study. Da Vinci was involved in so many arts and sciences that he surely had something to do with your chosen field...

:-)

...he was the archetypal figure of who I wanted to be. (After this sentence, I think your career aspirations should be mentioned.)

Undergraduate / My way toward my goal--UC prompt#1 [4]

Can you change your title to imply business or finance? It can be a play on words.. like, the business of making my way toward my goal.

Or something...

The correct way to write this sentence is like this:
My intended major is Business and Economics and , to be more specific, Finance.

I graduated from high school with a 641-point score in the University-----before this sentence you should start the paragraph with a good topic sentence. It is a para about your study-ethic, so write a topic sentence that refers to your drive to achieve.

After consulting with my instructor, I decided...

or

After I consulted with my instructor, I decided...

Poetry / Am I getting the metrics?? [24]

I agree Pheelyks! I think it is because of the monotone, even way that proper Japanese is spoken. It all stays mesmerizingly level and steady, rather than enunciating certain syllables.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: "Teaching Others About Art" [7]

When you say tentatively, it usually refers to a plan that you may or may not follow through with, depending on what happens. It does not seem to belong here...

To be honest, I feel more at home in the museum.----> powerful reflection, here. This really helps un know you.

You have many great sentences here! It must be because you appreciate beauty and art that you write beautiful sentences.

I suggest directly answering the second half of the prompt:

I feel proud about...

I am becoming a person who...

In all papers, you should use the key words used in the instructions, and that way they see that you are methodical and clear-minded.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement - the definition of an ambitious competitor [5]

I dream big, enjoying learning about things that interest me (list some fascinating subjects that pertain to your chosen course of study)... , and I love to win. (you already said this).

You can switch to "active voice":
I will always obtain actualize my dreams because of my enthusiasm to learn what it takes to obtain them as well as my love of winning.

Don't waste space with statements of the obvious:
Thus, I want to attend a university that not only offers me an opportunity to study, but also provides me the chances to pursue my real passion and enjoy my profession later in life.

Tsz, take this opportunity to show them how much you already know about dermatology. You can present yourself as someone who is so enthusiastic that you already read and write about dermatology, and you should be finding out about the most recent advancements in the field. Read some recent articles about the profession of dermatology, and discuss your intentions about contributing to the field. It is time to be a professional -- an expert in your field.

:-)

Undergraduate / UC Prompt; Repressed Memoir of My Past [24]

Okay, I give up.. What is the rule being violated?! Am I missing something obvious? Ha ha, someone clue me in...

And yes, this is some great collaboration here.

:-)

Undergraduate / "passionate abut studying" - University of Rochester Supplement (common app) [9]


You're funny. Well, it should be real I figured out that making the index cards is the important part. I can throw them away after making them, because interacting with the material caused me to learn it.

Yes, that is what I meant. It is a good challenge. In writing, the saying is, "Show, don't tell." Showing is what enchants the reader's mind.

Undergraduate / Lost in Translation: joajacky's thread: Describe the world you come from [3]

Thanks for saving it! I'm glad you still had it, and I admire all the work you did to improve it. That must have taken a long time. I don't know what the problem was that caused the removal of the original thread, but the TOS states various rules that may have been violated.

Undergraduate / "better interpersonal relationship" - UC Prompt #2 [10]

Oh... yes, while I know it is difficult to give feedback when someone faces a language barrier or difficulty in writing, I still think it's possible for people to give at least three or four sentences of feedback. Even if someone lacks cnfidence in writing, it is possible to tell about the impression the essay made. Writing a few good sentences of feedback is part of the scholarly practice we use here to improve our skill.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'Connecting with other cultures' - Short Answer Michigan--Diversity Essay [4]

family took on the responsibility of welcoming into our home ...

Maybe you should not start with this statement. Maybe you should begin with a thoughtful observation about diversity itself, and your conception of it. to start by stating that you hosted a foreign exchange student makes this seem sort of "ordinary."

Wow, great topic! Okay, I suggest you start the essay with a sentence about multilingualism. That is great. At the end of the essay, use the word diversity.

This is an excellent idea for an essay!! I hope you'll make the beginning more interesting, and actually use the word diversity at the end.

Book Reports / Two scenes whose natures contribute to the theme of the play - Merchant of Venice Essay [12]

Two scenes are particularly useful for highlighting the ambiguous nature of...

I wonder what the problem is... What does the prof say? When you have a prof that gives poor grades even to students who write well and try hard, doing well is often a matter of following advice and showing improvement, appreciation, and respect.

I am interested to know what the feedback was thats/he gave.

...rather than the law; while the contract between Antonio and... ----> when you use a semi-colon, it hs to work like a period. You should have an independent clause on each side. I'm talking about this use of it, not semi-colons used in lists. I hope I am correct, and not misleading you.

Important: I don't see a clear thesis statement. I see what you say in the long sentence with the semi-colon, but in any essay that compares 2 things you should have one profound "zen master" sentence that makes a profound statement about both. As I look to the last paragraph to find out the main idea... I can't really find one... is it all about the contracts/covenants?

I probably told you this before, but I see it like this: What do you call it when you have rings inside of rings, like a dart board? That thesis sentence in para #1 ... oh, yes, it is all about the covenants.

I think you just need to use the important words.. for example:

antithesis, analogy... use those words that the prof uses. That is how to score well, showing that you are explicitly answering the prompt.

And the thesis should focus on covenants, right?
Two scenes are particularly useful for highlighting the Shakespeare's use of covenants ambiguous nature of justice in the play:

I hope I am understanding correctly, and not doing more harm than good. I also suggest adding additional topic sentences at the front of paragraphs to use words like antithesis and analogy so the prof sees that they are being covered..

Good luck! Tell me about her/his specific criticisms! And make sure they give specific criticisms; otherwise, maybe they need to be challenged!

Undergraduate / Fighting and goals/struggles - Personal Statement for University of Arizona? [3]

It's off to a rough start. Your first sentence seems to be an error; did you mean to say, "Like most boys, I enjoy fighting?" Or maybe you meant to say, "My love of fighting is unlike that of any other boy."

But then you also present yourself in a negative light by admitting that you like fighting, because people with wisdom like avoiding fights. It is not enough to "not be a bully," because you also have to "not be someone who enjoys dominating others."

In the Freshman year of high school I was involved in a street fight during which I saved my cousin's life.

It is great to choose an unusual topic, but I think you should approach this as if you have left your love for fighting behind. That would suggest personal growth, etc.

At the end, there, the last sentence refers to fighting being morally wrong, and that is an important point. If it saves a life, though, perhaps it is not morally wrong. I suggest reworking this to focus on how you no longer love fighting, but you love knowing that you are strong and capable, and that you can use those attributes to excel in your chosen field.

Essays / Compare or Contrast - hate for an idea vs hate for something that happened [2]

Yes, point by point compare and contrast can be hard. Do not start with the intro paragraph. Start by thinking of a point of contrast.

Here is the start of a paragraph:
One point of comparison is the kind of physical feeling I have when I think of what I hate. When I think of my hatred of...

What are the two things you are comparing? You can compare them on lots of points; this is an interesting topic. Use one paragraph for each point of comparison. What is another point? How about the way each kind of hatred affects your actions?

You can think of lots of "points of comparison." When you have written a few paragraphs, look to see what theme has appeared in the essay. Write about that theme in the intro, and then write about it again in the conclusion.

good luck!!!Let's see the essay.

Undergraduate / "My father has shaped myself" - Describe the world you come from [9]

...From school, however, I have learned the expression , "All work...

Write one more sentence after these to end the first paragraph. Make it a sentence that tells the most important message you want the reader to recieve.

I like the way you contrasted 2 different expressions.

I feel very fortunate to have...

My father has shaped my character by teaching me to have adaptation...

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2 - Listening to chinese music and how it's inspired me [13]

Maybe it i one of the most important but not the MOST important?
Among my personal experiences, one of the most important to...

After listening, I began to become more interested in Chinese music and, more importantly, my cultur al and heritage.

Listening to The song "Peng You" influenced me...

I had to move your other essay to a new thread; we're trying to keep only one essay in each thread.

That experience possibly sent the course of my life in a positive direction.

Good, I really like the way you combine music with your heritage. Another sentence about that would make the essay even better; I think it is the most important part of the essay.

Undergraduate / Psych Major/Volunt Exp/Mothers PhD influence? - UC Transf. Prompt 1 & 2 [5]

No, I think it is great. You can tighten it up by adding another sentence or two -- sentences that tell how this reaffirms your resolve to pursue your intended major.

Towards the latter end of my senior year I realized that I needed to prioritize my goals. I knew that my true goal was to go to medical school, so I buckled down

Undergraduate / Someone who has made an impact on you? need help with structure and grammar [3]

...that this dream of mine wasn't going to happen.

or use italics as if talking to yourself:

...reminding myself, this dream of mine isn't going to happen.

This is great so far! I suggest a colon:
Instead, he taught me something more valuable: how to...

Commas:
I'm not really sure how the name came to be, but it

four instead of 4

This is such an excellent theme for a college essay. I like the details, such as tapping the guitar three times.

three instead of 3.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Is it important to donate money to protect environment? New Era diseases [6]


Well this seems to go well with the title... With TOEFL, I assume you are more concerned with learning proper grammar.

There is a problem with the title.. it makes me ask, "More important than what?"

Make the title like this:

Why is it important to donate money to protect the environment?

This is a good topic, and you seem to have done well.

Writing Feedback / "Categories of Criminals" - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay [5]

Nope, it doesn't work. Well, that is my impression. I think you'll need a lot more pages in order to back up the assertion, and as it is now, it is very general. If this was a dissertation topic, it would require a huge lit review.

If you want to go this route, I have a book suggestion for you. You'll have to change your thesis to reflect it, and I think it can help you a lot.

Essays / Should gay people be allowed to adopt children [6]


Yes, that's an important point. I learned it as "refuting the counter-argument." I don't think Susan intended to suggest that it is wrong to attend to the counter-argument; that is part of backing up the thesis argument. I'm glad you mentioned that here, an important point. I might refer people to this thread for these explanations of the counter-argument.

Undergraduate / 'Not claustrophobic' - To my future roommate - Stanford Prompt [8]

I think a colon works better here:

...into small places to prove a point: I am small

You spelled clubbing wrong, just a typo.

I agree that this should be more like a pers. statement. I hope you revise but keep the excellent humor and detail. I hope you cncentrate on introducing yourself as someone who has high hopes for success in a certain field, or in a program at tis school...

Also, get rid of the part about clubing. This is supposed to be an opportunity to show how focused you are as a scholar.

:-)

Undergraduate / Helpful suggestions needed for essay- Carpe Diem [14]


Ha ha, excellent! I see another one, too.. if I had blindly run... thanks for the good work you did; I had a good feeling about using the conclusion sentences to make it "evaluative." Your work here made me a better writer, too.

I bet you'll happy with the way they receive this!

Undergraduate / Essay on education and life for VCU. Feedback...thanks [3]


One would imgine you are, yes. I think you don't need this sentence...

Africa after my parents divorced, at the age of six or 7 . When I came back in 2005, I started middle school and was teased and mocked about my skin tone.

In the last paragraph, I think you should probably name this school and its particular program. Go into more detail, and tel them why this school is exactly the right place for your specific philosophy and interests within the field of criminal justice. If you show that you are already very familiar with this school, and very focused, it will put you at an advantage.

That is just my idea...

Undergraduate / OSU undergrad essay -- Why are you considering OSU [3]

There are many reasons why I consider The Ohio State University the perfect match for me in my pursuit of a career in Computer Engineering. I'm a motivated, outgoing individual trying to pursue a growing occupation. I believe OSU will...

This is very clear, and it is full of good, thoughtful assertions. Is it supposed to be longer? If so, how about coming up with a theme that will become the personality of the essay? Maybe you will mention a philosophical idea -- the same idea at the beginning and the end.

Graduate / SOP Msc Toxicology in UK [5]

The first sentence says a quest is your desire. I wonder... it does not sound quite right! Your desire may send you on a quest, but it is not the quest you desire. Actually, this is an essay intended to get you into a college, so you are trying to enter a quest for this knowlege... still, it does not sound right! :-)

Below, you can simplify:
Right from my school days, the sciences as a subject the sciences has fascinated me, and it...

Ah, you're a Huxley fan interested in drugs! Be sure to check out the writings about his sessions with Milton Erickson, the "Father" of American Hypnosis.

I can't find many errors... here is a sentence that needs help:
Having made this statement of my objectives, I also assert that I have the will to be a high achiever and deliver the kind of inspired effort that your University looks for in a prospective student. a strong academic background and the will to perform and deliver.

I don't think anyone should ever use the word "zest" for any reason.
:-) I hope you have great success with this!