Undergraduate / The world I come from is not out of the ordinary. I haven't chance to be a wonder woman yet [3]

Unfortunately, I haven't yet had that chance to travel all the way across the world or be a Wonder Woman yet, but I do...

I moved "yet." Do you like the rhythm of the sentence tis way?

Wow! He got his diploma at 73?! What an excellent person he must be, such wisdom.

Well, this is beautiful, and your personality as reflected in the essay is beautiful, but part of your job here is to show your skill in composition which needs improvement. Here is the crash course:

For every idea you want to include in the essay, you need a separate paragraph. For every idea, give a topic sentence that states the idea succinctly, and then give a few sentences to explain it.

for example, you might write a topic sentence about the significance and meaningfulness of education, and then write 2 sentences about your grandfather. Then, conclude the para with a thoughtful sentence about what it all means. THEN, start a new paragraph about your friends who decided ed was bogus, and write a few sentences to explain that.

Each paragraph has to be: topic sentences, sentences to explain what you mean, and then a thoughtful conclusion sentence.

Each ESSAY you write should have paragraphs that serve a corresponding purpose: intro para is like topic sentence, body paragraphs are like explanatory sentences, and conclusion para is like the conclusion sentence.

This is easy to fix! use the ENTER button every time your curcor gets to a new idea, and separate them into their own paragraphs. Good luck!!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2: "Duality" (let me know if it is adequate enough) [3]

I decided that I would learn to live respecting and remembering both of my cultural heritages and keeping a harmonious unity between the two, and I have done so successfully today.

A counterpart is something different: thefreedictionary.com/counterpart

At the end of this, you should tell us about "the person you are." This is the most important part. Your job is to show them that you are firm in your resolve to embark upon this career that starts with your education at their school. Therefore, use the experience as a way to illustrate the REAL subject of the essay, which it YOU.

Here is a place where a similar mistake was made: https://essayforum.com/undergraduate-2/quality-marching-band-10347/

Undergraduate / UC Prompt#2 Personal Quality - Marching Band [5]

I felt as if all hope had flown been lost, but I could not give up.

You have some beautiful, rhythmic sentences in this essay.

How about this part of the prompt: how does it relate to the person you are? I think it will be better if you add more reflection to the end. For example... this "person you are"... are you a person going into the field of education? If so, perhaps this experience will help you to empower young people you meet who doubt their abilities. Or... are you going into the field of criminal justice? Perhaps the way you overcame your adversity in band has instilled in you a sense that the juvenile offenders you serve can overcome their adversity as well.

Tell us about this person you are becoming.

Undergraduate / UT Admissions essay: influential person [9]

Hello, Yang, I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is better than the bad news is bad. The good news is that you have a distinct and very likable writing style, so you are blessed with an important talent. The bad news is that this is the wrong essay for the prompt!

I hope you will use this excellent essay for another application or some other purpose, but for this essay you need to choose an ISSUE. Global warming, corruption in politics, the international security dilemma, homelessness, oppression of minorities, cruelty to animals -- it has to be an issue... for example, a controversial or pressing issue.

This essay does not see too informal to me. When you are looking for abbreviations, though, it is looking for the apostrophe: for example, in formal writing, you shoud use "do not" instead of don't. "Don't" is a contraction, an abbreviation.

Undergraduate / My english teacher as an influential person - Common App Prompt [4]

Yes, I think you should get right to the point:

My eleventh grade English teacher, Mrs. Ostrenko, is an e xtraordinary woman who has influenced me in myriad ways.

At the end of the essay, it will be great if you can somehow tell how she inspired you in a way that affects your choice of major, career, etc. this is a great essay about a great teacher, so now tap into that greatness so that it becomes cnnected in the reader's mind with the importance of you attending this school.

Undergraduate / "I have always contributed something" - Rutgers admission essay [9]

Straightforward sentences are refreshing:

Now that I am getting closer to the conclusion of my high school year s, I think about all the he things that have occurred to me during my life and how I have gained so many skills that I will definitely apply to make my college experience the best that can be.

Right after that sentence, write another sentence or two that will tell the main idea of the essay. Then, end the first paragraph. Let that 1st para end with a statement that lets the reader know what you are all about -- and what the essay is all about.

Start paragraph 2 with:
Born and raised in Ecuador, I was...

Undergraduate / Personal statement for University of Wisconsin Madison. prompt #1 [4]

I mean, After the stressful examination year that I had been through, I just thought that I deserve a holiday of my life! Admittedly, I thought of every horrible possibility that I'll be facing in Java.

Less is more:

From this one particular life experience, I believe I have become a better person. I am...

I guess you need to add an intro paragraph in which you directly answer their question. End the paragraph with a sentence that says your journey into college can be compared to your journey into Java. Then, let this be paragraph 2:

Truthfully, I wasn't exactly...

Undergraduate / SUNY Application (Karate, my life) [6]

Google: embryonic breathing. Read what Dr. Yang has to say. It has applications for martial arts, meditation, health, and all sorts of qi manipulation. I recommended it to you because I was a martial artist in high school, and I was so happy to discover the profound knowledge Dr. Yang made available.

good luck!!

Undergraduate / "I caught my target unaware of my presence"; USC -Visions and Voices [10]

Excellent start! Watch out for changing tenses, though:
I catch my target unaware of my presence. I shoot. Blackness. Rats, I chastised myself when the seagull drops its meal and took flight. I have left the lens cover on .----> how about all present tense like this?

My dad had taken note of my growing skill, and he joked that I should put my pictures on the Internet and become famous.
or:
My dad had taken note of my growing skill and joked that I should put my pictures on the Internet and become famous.
...whichever way you prefer...

Great beginning and ending, great descriptions, I love it. I think you are smart to cut out all possible fluff, but your writing has little fluff. It is looking good!

Undergraduate / What name would you suggest for Grinnell? [13]

I don't think anything is wrong with a colloquialism... but I don't know where it is here, either!

Anyway, yes, you need to write more. What if you were the president of the college and had to make a presentation about the new mascot and name? What would you write? Come up with a name based on the qualities that attract you to the school. You definitely need to write more! :-)

Undergraduate / Supplement DEAR ROOMMATE [4]

I look forward to meeting you and sharing with you my enthusiasm about (all kinds of things at this school)!

That is the kind of sentiment you should express. This is an opportunity to talk about the school. Did you think of it that way? How about addressing your roommate but talking all about how excited you are to be getting involved in your chosen program, your chosen field.

Let this essay show the reader that you are passionate about the academics in your chosen program.

Undergraduate / "XX Model UN Conference" - Common App Short Essay [10]

In April 2009, I participated in the 2009 "XX Model UN Conference" as the chief editor of...

My little contribution... :-)

Also, I think a sentence at the end would be nice... a sentence in which you reflect on the significance of it now that you are going to college.

Undergraduate / "live your life as a work of art" - Common Application [6]

This is not quite right: I live vicariously through my piano. When you live vicariously through the piano, it means you are taking satisfaction from what the piano experiences... so, it is not quite right.

...to see their bewilderment evolve into enjoyment. ----> great sentence!!

Hey, here is the sentence that should be used to start that 2nd essay: I've watched my dad work 16-hour days at jobs he's hated, and I've seen my mum struggle to find work due to her lack of formal qualifications. They tell me all the time, "Adda babawik nga di nagbasa idi."----> how do you feel about moving that to the beginning? It is great!

Undergraduate / waterskiing, UC Prompt 2: Personal Experience. [4]

Compound sentences need commas:
I was very skinny for my age, and it was incredibly...

The first sentence about relaxing on the boat may make you seem spoiled and lazy as the first impression given by the essay! I suggest starting with a sentence about the ACTION of skiing.

You are doing well by talking about the discipline from skiing as discipline you use in school. In fact, I think you could do even better if you rewrite this as an essay about your drive to excel in school, but DISGUISE it as an essay about skiing. The struggle to ski and gain mastery could be like a metaphor for your efforts toward self-mastery in school.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / Growing up a Muslim American, a world of justice and equality [3]

It was not until recently that I discovered that my mother not only accomplished everything for us as a single mother, but also did this while secretly for years fighting a deadly eating disorder: bulimia. Her achievements have paved a path of ambition, spunk and determination for me as an individual.

The placement of this sentence at the end of the first para makes it sound like the whole essay is about her. You need to end the first para with a sentence about the theme that your life has taken on as a result of experiencing your mom's strength and the other things described in this essay. The intro para has to support the rest of the essay by saying something that applies to the whole essay.

I think you need to add 2 more sentences to the first para of that first essay: one sentence to name the other topics to be covered, and another to sum up the meaning -- what kind of person it has made you.

In the conclusion of that first essay, take advantage of the opportunity to talk about how this schools program will enable you to fulfill your aspirations.

Comma:
This was my sixth annual feeding the homeless drive, and I was ready to make this year better than my last.

Comma:
As I walked into the mission, I saw a number of smiling faces looking at me with weary eyes and laggard faces.

I knew that pain I suffered wasn't comparable to the agonized pain that people all over the world endure because of the injustice that engulfs our existence.-----> How about saying something more specific about the causes of the pain... you could list several causes of pain and injustice.

Undergraduate / the mountain lion UC prompt 1; the world you come from [8]

stunning yet trapped... because of the placement of this at the end of the 1st para, it seems that it is going to be the theme of the essay.

You should check out Unity college in Maine... it is focused on wildlife...

This essay will be much better if you spend some time discussing your specific career goals... and your heroes currently doing research in the field. This should go into great detail about how this school, specifically, with its unique resources, programs, and faculty, will enable you to get to where you want to be. Lay out the plan, and they will know you are serious about life.

Graduate / My enthusiasm and commitment help me to make a great contribution to research field [3]

The boundless possibilities for innovation and the sudden revelations that stimulate one for further analysis of a rationale in question is are the experiences tha t I find most appealing about Computer Science.

I believe it will also serve to give direction to my goal of a career as a research professional at an academic, commercial, and research-oriented organizations.

You really seem to know your field... this is quite impressive! I think the first paragraph could say something more substantial. Could you add a sentence to it that leaves the reader with a clear sense of what makes you a unique aspirant in this field? Give some definition to that first paragraph.

You do have excellent details in the middle of the essay...

Undergraduate / "Studying Spanish" - U of M Diversity Essay Question [12]

Run on sentence:

I discovered true diversity; it's not always about clothes, skin color, hairstyle, musical preference, or sexual orientation, but instead about the person on the inside.

Or...

I discovered true diversity. It's not always about clothes, skin color, hairstyle, musical preference, or sexual orientation; it's about the person on the inside.

Undergraduate / Bowdoin Supplement - "Because There Ain't No Mountain High Enough" [7]

Outing clubber is confusing. It is better to accommodate the reader by using a different term...

The prospect of attending Bowdoin has me excited about exploring all of the diverse knowledge in this world. Whether it's Getting lost in the Maine mountains with the Outing Club, performing at Studzinski Recital Hall, and teaching students through the Teacher Scholars program - I want to do all of this and so much more. I want to continue taking risks, and I know that at Bowdoin the community will be there to help me through my failures and celebrate my triumphs ...-----> great ending!!

Writing Feedback / Advertisement Analysis Essay Help - A $385 Billion Dollar Image [2]

Thanks for posting, long-time lurker!

your last para needs help:

As we have analyze these advertisements, we begin to realize that without the ability to use sound in a billboard the best source of popularity seems to be a shocking or flashy image. Due to this the study of human sociology to Social scientists tell us that ostentatious images seem to catch the fancy of the human mind. After $385 billion dollars, it seems that your best bet in this tremendously huge market is to go with sensational images. This is in due in part to human nature as the eye catches quickly moving objects in your eyes and our extremely image-driven society gravitates toward excitement . After this analysis, I hope the reader feels like I do: It s eems that the producers of these sales pitches treat as guinea pigs for their pieces of art.

And now I think you should go back to that last sentence of the intro and specify that your analysis brings us to this conclusion that it is not a certain process, that it is not necessarily a safe bet. That is the point of the essay, so introduce it in the introduction. Thanks! Please go give some other people feedback about their essays.

:-)

Undergraduate / The Global Connections Committee -elaborating on your activity [2]

Well, this is a great choice of activity. To get rid of those five words, scratch out what does not help: one of the Global Connections' programs.

It will be great if you imply that you may want to promote similar programs in college; promoting diversity is a big issue for all schools.

Add the word "the" before "great pleasure."

Undergraduate / A Different Spin on The Diversity Essay [8]

Dr. Suess also said: Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is toing to get better. It's not.

Similar to the other quote, also...I was reminded of this: "What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Nevermind." -- Homer Simpson

The second essay, definitely, is better!

Undergraduate / "I flourish in large classes" - Rutgers admissions essay so far.. [4]

...lifetime have enabled me to ascertain a plethora of morals...

Wow, lots of big words... be careful not to let it start sounding contrived with all these big words.

Like... this part, for example, needs to be changed: ...neither clue nor expectation and was overwhelmed by the oxymoronic feelings that infiltrated my ignorant bliss . ----> I don't know what you mean to say there, but it should be different...

The essay is disorganized. I suggest writing an intro paragraph that is about the most important point you are making -- seriously, specifically, what do you have to contribute? After you tell them that in the first para, the rest of the essay will make more sense.

That is, once you have explained what you have to contribute, the other content will serve as support for the claim.

Undergraduate / Not a Love Story - UT Person of Influence [6]

Nice job! This sentence may be better if it is shorter:
Dancing with her made me realize how my allowing this fear to control me had restricted me from a variety...

Great ending!!

Undergraduate / "THE NARRATOR?" - UC Prompts #1 [16]

My face is red like a tomato and is flaky like a biscuit topping. ----> Awesome sentence!!

Separate this into a few paragraphs, and the reader's brain will not be so burdened... chop it up into a paragraph for each idea.

Undergraduate / Common App Main Essay- "Dancing Through The Days" [4]


Back in the dorms, my roommate Melissa and I professed our excitement for the next day, when we would receive our placements and classes would start in earnest. Little did I know that it was to be the commencement of the longest five weeks of my life.

We can add the verb "notice" below:
I woke up Monday morning, my stomach tingling with excitement, and noticed two folded papers slipped under our door.

Congratulations! Great accomplishments...

You could use dashes here:
I could not -- or, more precisely, would not allow myself to -- quit.

Undergraduate / Tulane personal statement - swimming [2]

allowed me to take part in...

It was not surprising, t hen, that my coach...

Wow, you write very very well. Excellent English. You must have a talent for language... very good, I am so impressed that this is writen by an ESL student.

Now you need to bring your intellectual, academic and professional inspiration into this. At the start of the essay, mention the duel process of improving swimming and English. Also mention the natural unfolding of a process of reaching your academic goals.

The essay should merge English, swimming, and your academic/professional goals. Can you add a few sentences about your plan as a scholar/professional?

Writing Feedback / Cbest Essay - Person Most Instrumental in Shaping Your Life [6]

This is a great essay, all except for... the entire first paragraph. I say scrap the first para and start with this:

Dr. Albert was the smartest among all my professors. He graduated with a Doctorate Degree in Mathematics at Harvard University. Nowadays, we barely meet someone who excels in Mathematics, enjoys the subject...

Undergraduate / "To make others happy", have to shorten by 400 letters/characters. pennstate p.s [9]

I decided to volunteer with him. When I met my first group, I also befriended a camper who had ...

Your last sentence could be better if it specified something substantial about the path you choose for helping others. It is too vague right now...

Undergraduate / Intellectual, athletic, cultural, social interests apart from medicine [6]

Well, the first paragraph is solid. It begins with a clear assertion, you explain it, and then you reflect on it at the end. It is excellent composition.

Your last paragraph is this: Sports showed me the importance of good teamwork, and how we can teach and learn from each other.-----> So, the first sentence of the next paragraph -- which talks about a love of learning -- should touch it a little, like this:

Sports showed me the importance of good teamwork, and how we can teach and learn from each other.
(new paragraph)
Teaching and learning as I interact with reality serves as a source of satisfaction for me. The first thing I do each morning is grab my coffee and read the morning news.

You have to be creative to segue into a new idea! :-)

Undergraduate / "Economics chose me" - UC Personal Statement Prompt #1 on Economics [5]

Look at how your last paragraph tarts with a sentence about working with your dad, a continuation of a little narrative, and then it ends with an affirmation of your desire to pursue economics. You should make each paragraph represent one main idea.

At the start, you do not have to present yourself as money-driven (but if you do, use a hyphen). You can instead say that you have always been preoccupied with security for your family. That means the same thing, but it sounds better! Another option is to say you have been fascinated by society's system of commerce.

Undergraduate / CC supplement question. why do you wish to attend? [3]

No comma necessary here: I made a list and broke it down into three categories.

the phrase "I want" has too large a presence in this essay. Can you just do it this way:
- A school that will not only teach me subjects, but also core life lessons that will help me succeed in the world.
- To contribute to a great community of like-minded people.

Also, the ending is not very good... "first and foremost" is not good... and neither is because I feel like I have found the college I want to go to, and wish to find out if I can as soon as possible.

Instead of just stating the simple truth, take this as an opportunity to show them that you are a methodical thinker and an expert about their school. It is like a riddle; why does an upcoming academic hero and professional over-achiever apply early? Present yourself powerfully at the end.

Graduate / Opinions on Narrative Essay (finance). Does my paper answer the prompt? [10]

I'll close the thread right now. You can see the TOS for explanations of everything. Thanks!!!

Undergraduate / The primary reason that I am applying to Northwestern University is its firm academic program. [5]

Thanks, Jansen, as always your contribution here is inspiring to me. I can tell you spend more time than necessary, really trying to benefit the learners! It is nice that your intentions reflect "basic goodness" (trungpa).

Undergraduate / Experience That Helpmed Me Learn What Was Important - CommonApp Emotional Essay [4]

Beautiful. I think you write better than you think you do.

All of her memories have now vanished like the somber leaves of a somber tree preparing itself for a harsh winter.----great sentence.

I like your username!

...the evil from which my family had attempted to shelter me by immigrating to this distant land.

The way to make it better is to incorporate your clearly established goals, your specific intentions for the college years. That will make them feel an urgent sense of the importance of accepting you

Undergraduate / If today was my last day - Common App Essay [20]

I don't understand. Are you asking iff it is okay to tell them that your inspiration for this essay comes from Nickelback? Maybe it is okay, but maybe it would actually be more impressive if you did not limit it that way. This is your own creation, so maybe you should not bring the band into it, because it doesn't mean as much to the reader as it means to you.

I love Nickelback!

Grammar, Usage / What makes me do something is/are A and B [3]


It is an awkward way to speak! The above is sort of correct, though. But it actually should be "make."

Instead, you should write:

The factors that make me do volunteer work are A and B...

The word factors is better than the word what.

With the dogs and cats example, just remember that you use the word "are" if it is plural:
what make me do something are your dogs and your cats

what make me do something are happiness and goodness

The concepts that make me do something are happiness and goodness.
The concepts that make me regret my crime are moral values.
What makes me lie is sneakiness.
The mechanisms that make me lie are illusions.

It is bad to start that kind of sentence with the word what.

:-)

Graduate / Personal Statement - MFA in Digital Media/Teaching Credential [4]

Wow, very good beginning! You could add a sentence to the end of that first paragraph to cmplete the explanation and say (this is what I intend to do and how I intend to achieve my goals through the use of resources available at your school).

Oh, this is the kind of sentence you might want to add to the end of that first paragraph: Ultimately, my goal is to teach digital art at...

You should feel great about this! It is impressive... send it in!

Undergraduate / Contribution Essay (Rice's academic life) [3]

It was late on a school night, and even though the day had been tough, I could do nothing but sit and wait.

Maybe this sentence above does not help. Maybe you should scratch it and start with: The silence had caused my patience and composure to dissipate, leaving me to face fear head on.

...that her strong will to fight had enabled her to stay with me.

Wow, this is such excellent prose. Seriously. You write very well, with long, assertive brush strokes.

Graduate / "Sharp" - My Sop of international relations [6]

What you can do is "support" all the topics by listing them in one of the sentences in your first paragraph. Near the end of the first paragraph, refer to the points you are going to make in the paragraphs below. Separate them with commas in a single sentence. Do you know what I mean?