Writing Feedback / TELEVISION AND ITS advantages - it's very useful device [4]

Annatef, I am not sure why you are discussing a topic that the prompt is not asking you to discuss. Your introductory statement alone immediately tells the examiner that, even though you read the prompt, you did not understand what you are being asked to discuss. If you read the prompt again, there is nothing there that mentions television as being a waste of time. Neither does it say that the television is only meant to entertain people or give them up to date information. A discussion about the advantages of television is also not on the table as part of the discussion. So, just by your first paragraph alone, the examiner can decide that you have failed the test. There is a clear lack of comprehension on your part so the whole response development that you used is definitely wrong.

As the prompt indicates; "Television is a good thing, because it gives people enjoyment and keeps them informed as well. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?" Therefore, the default point of view here is that "Television is good." So you have to argue as to whether you agree or not with the statement. The opening paragraph should therefore be more along the lines of :

Some people argue that television is a bad thing because it only shows us the news about things happening in the world, violent television shows that criminals and people with bad intentions imitate, and reality shows that teach us to just always have fights with the people around us. However, that is not all that television does. Television actually presents us with some good, positive, and life enhancing information and shows as well. My essay will present evidence to support my agreement with the given statement that "Television is a good thing."

A simple and quick fix of your opening statement immediately makes the rest of your fall into place because your line of reasoning supports the prompt. So the real problem with your essay is solely focused in your misstated introduction. You have to keep in mind that the first paragraph should accurately restate the prompt and present an overview of your discussion either in agreement or disagreement with the given instruction. Only then will the essay be judged or graded properly.

I have read actual examiner reviews that detail the mistakes made by the examinee which led to his failure or passing of his exam. Most of the problems for the failed exam takers focus on the biggest problem that seem to exist for most of them, understanding the question. My advice is that you focus some of your energy on English comprehension exercises. These will help you improve your understanding of the English language and also offer you the opportunity to practice your comprehension skills on non exam related content.

Scholarship / Olympiads, Chemistry Club and tutorial classes - NTU Scholarship Essay on my achievements [11]

Joshua, I am of the opinion that your response did not really represent the requirements of the promot. You see, there is no real academic achievement in your essay. Some of these achievements could be your being a consistent honor student either in your overall classes or on Math and Sciences in particular. Maybe you came in first place during one of the competitions that you participated in that is related to your chosen MTU major. It has to be an event that shows or highlights the reason why you should be considered an achiever who will help to increase the quality of the students at NTU. There was no real sense of your abilities as a winner in this instance, which affected the content of your essay.

What I did see well represented in the essay are your interests in the field of Math and Science. However, the essay does not ask you concentrate on that topic alone. Without the achievement on your part, the essay only partially answers your essay. You need to reflect upon your academic and competitive achievements to date in order to respond properly to the first requirement. Choose the competition where you performed the best, discuss the competition and the outcome for you. If you placed as a winner, then tell the reviewer about it. If you did not, then tell the reviewer what you learned from that loss that made you feel like a winner anyway. That is still considered an exceptional achievement.

An even better response would be, if you performed some intricate experiment that caught the eye of your teacher or helped you realize that Chemistry is the field for you. Maybe you have an experiment result that you wish to evaluate further upon entering NTU? That kind of achievement is often received positively by the university admissions officers.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1. How tourists obtain benefits and drawbacks from Fairmont Island based on survey's results [3]

Rahmat, the report overview is complete and falls under the 3 sentence requirement which is the minimum for this sort of essay. The information you present is sadly, confusing to understand. Mainly because you failed to clarify the topic or subject of the sentences in question. I think that the confusion and problem with stating the sentence subject is because of your currently limited grasp of the English language, I do not doubt that your presentation will further improve as you progress with your practice tests. In the meantime, please take note of the following corrections to your essay.:

The pie charts reveaS information ABOUT how tourists obtain VIEW benefits and drawbacks from THEIR VISIT TO Fairmont Island based on survey's results. Overall, it can be seen that the biggest advantages derived from the occupants, while the most common problems are high cost of living there. Both apparently almost have the same figures.

- What is the advantage that was presented? Is that the same as the benefit? Clarify that overview portion even though you present the information in the body of the essay. It is an integral part of the overview.

The main merit which tourists gain when visiting Fairmont Island is lead to by inhabitant LIVING CONDITIONS at 40%. Despite that, t The reason why holidaymakers to go to that place is thanks BECAUSE OF to the scenery there, representing at about 37%. While culture is the third rank influencing travelers to enjoy there at 12%, g Good accommodation still notices as the little advantages IS HARD TO FIND AND RANKS at only 11%.

On the other hand, t The most common problems people worry to holiday HAVE WHEN ON HOLIDAY in that place IS because of unreasonably E living costS at about 45 percent. Likewise e Entertainment and food quality which are offered cannot attract the visitors EITHER. It is evident that 30% and 20 % people claim ARE dissatisfied for WITH those items. Weather condition just stands at 5% as the least disadvantages from OF the Fairmont Island.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The aspects of Fairmont Island that tourists enjoy the most and the least [2]

Hi Akbar, let me help you out with finalizing the content of your informative essay. You were able to deliver the information in the chart very well. You have the ability to properly understand the chart and your presentation, while a little bit confusing, can be waded through by the reader / examiner. I trust that you will just need to keep developing your English sentence writing skills in order to better improve your grade during the actual test. Anyway, here are the edits that I came up with for you:

On the other hand, the budgets to live FOR LIVING ON in the Island are the A significant problem which THAT travell ers have to deal with, at 45% of all respondents. After that, 30% of them do not enjoy tourist entertainments in that ON THE Island. Weather conditions are also another disadvantage THAT holidaymakers do not like AS REPRESENTED BY 20%, while those who dislike the quality of food only show AT 5%.

Graduate / MS in Computer Science: SOP (from Geography to Computer Science) [3]

Welkin, it would be in the best interest of your statement of purpose if you can cut down the content to just the specific and related content.You majored in Geography Information Systems, and now you want to change your career path towards Computer Science. Now, to me, that sounds like a logical next step coming from where you are at the moment. In terms of career progression, moving from one field to another, related field is logical, it just makes sense.

The main problem that I have, with the eye of a reviewer, is that your essay is way too long and dabbles too much in unrelated content. Rather than going all the way back to your childhood history, why don't you just present your most recent past relating to your experience in Geography Information Systems. Discuss what you learned during your time in that field and then segue into the obvious relationship between that and computer science.

Discuss your Geography mapping skills and then cut out all the other parts of the essay so that you can concentrate the focus of the essay on your work as a research intern at the Center of Integrated Geographic Information Analysis.From what I have read of your essay, that is the perfect professional experience that will not only show your abilities with computers, but also present the logical next step in your career in an enlightening manner for the reviewer.

Throughout the essay, I tried to look for a reference to your future career plans and goals and how this masters degree study will help you achieve it. That is one of the most important pieces of information in a statement of purpose so you should work on developing your response to that. Make sure that it mentions a line of research you will wish to start working on as a masters degree student. Present the aim of the study in terms of real world application in order to show the importance of your masters studies, the abilities you will develop as a student, and your future profession.

Those are the parts of your essay that I believe needs extra work in terms of development and presentation. I hope that I can read your revised essay soon so that I can help you edit it to perfection :-)

Writing Feedback / Ease your education with Internet [3]

Soha, these days, there are more numerous methods of education than just the internet and traditional books. Educational cable channels such as Discovery and National Geographic, even the History channel, are considered avenues of education and therefore, merit a mention in your list even if your concentration will be on internet based learning.

When it comes to the educational websites, Please remember that not all .com websites are considered academic or educational in nature because most of them are used for commercial websites masquerading as educational sites. Blogs and Wikipedia are also not considered any kind of academic resource at all by teachers, instructors and professors so all references to such things should be removed. The academically accepted, and therefore, educational websites that are commonly accepted end with .gov, .and edu.org .The .gov sites are government owned and credible by default, .org is usually owned by a foundation or some sort of institution and therefore, is considered academic in nature, while .edu are url's owned by schools, colleges, and universities, hence the academic acceptance of information from those websites.

The rest of the information that you provide is simple enough to understand and offers information in the fastest manner possible. So the way the essay is written will definitely hold the attention of the reader who also has a short attention span. So if you just clean up the few aspects first, we can work on polishing the essay after that :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: A Breakdown Of General Benefits And Drawbacks Of Fairmont Island [4]

Masdar, you were able to present the information contained in the chart in such a manner that anybody can easily understand. The paragraphs are developed in an acceptable manner but could use some grammar correction and editing for better clarity. Let me present my edited version of your essay below for your future reference:

The pie chart below presents the general benefits and drawbacks of living on Fairmont Island. The pie chart is based upon tourist polling representing the liked and disliked aspects of island life. Based upon the chart results, it appears that there are 4 favorite and disliked aspects. The people like the scenery and the local people help create interesting tourist attractions. However, the price of accomodations and entertainment can pose a problem for the tourists due to its high costs.

40% of holiday visitors report that Fairmont Island has good citizens, and the other 37% tourists enjoy its breathtaking view. However,45 % of island visitors say it has an unaffordable cost of living. In addition, the survey shows that they do not find the available entertainment on the island enjoyable.

Ultimately, the visitors do not feel that weather and measl are serious problems for them because the percentages are only at 5% and 20% respectively. However, there are a few holiday lovers who delight in the available culture and accommodation when they visit the tourism places, at an average of 11.5%.

Scholarship / 'I developed a slight tendency towards project management.' Mundus Scholarship letter [9]

Hi Quammar, I hope you won't mind my late entry into reviewing your scholarship letter. I reviewed with the eye of a scholarship reviewer and came to the decision that your essay lacks certain qualities that would help your motivation "pop" in the eyes of the reviewer. It has mostly to do with the essay not having any direct connection with the scholarship and how it can help you achieve your future goals.

For starters, you need to better develop the idea behind your "slight tendency towards project management." I believe that it would be better if you say that your exposure or studies helped you develop an interest in project management. A "slight interest" depicts you as a person who is not really interested in the course and is just using it to get a scholarship. That is not the image that you want the scholarship reviewer to have of you as a potential scholarship grantee. You should instead, strengthen that idea by presenting the development of your interest in project management. Explain how your exposure to the field, regardless of how limited it might be , led you to learn more about project management.. Then explain how your further, more serious exposure to other fields of project management helped you realize that this was the career path for you.

Now, your scholarship motivation letter will differ from your college motivation letter in the sense that you need to find a way to connect the scholarship objectives and mission / goals with that of your own. Explain the reasons why this scholarship in particular is necessary for the further advancement of your intellectual and professional development. Tell the reviewer why this scholarship grant will set you apart from the rest of the students in any university that you would be attending. Connect the requirements of the scholarship with your own needs and explain how you will be embodying that idealism during your tenure as a scholar. In other words, explain how you will embody the ideal Erasmus Mundus Scholarship grantee when you get the scholarship. You could also opt to add a paragraph about how you will give back to the community you belong to or the scholarship as part of your motivation to pursue studies in project management.

Graduate / MS/MA in Statistics: Grad School Statement of Purpose [4]

Hi Yi, listen, you are very mistaken when you say that you have a weak numbers background. A degree in Economics is right up the alley of a person who is interested in statistics. Economics require you to study numbers and study analytical data, with an emphasis on the results of the number pushing that was done. Guess what? That is exactly what Statistics is all about. So you are not too far off in your masters degree ambition. It is actually a related field.

That said, you need to find a way to connect your experience in Economics with your desire to become a statistician. The information that you provided in reference to your background does not really follow the path of someone interested in statistics. You are talking mostly about the research that you did and questions that you had. Why not turn that interest into something relevant to statistics instead?

One of the strong points that reviewers consider when considering an applicant is the method by which the student is able to pursue some form of higher study while completing their masters degree requirements. If you can, try to develop a research or dissertation topic that relates Statistics to Economics. That direct relationship, if presented in an interesting and authoritative manner, will show how you plan to utilize the information you will be receiving and prove that there is a connection between your two interests.

While your theoretical foundation and ability to use software and analysis tools are good bits and pieces of information to include, unless it relates directly to Statistics in some way, it just becomes a weak part of the essay. Try to develop your discussion by dropping the reference to Psychology and just concentrate on Economics. That way statistics becomes a part of the discussion by default and further strengthens your statement of purpose.

Graduate / 'providing enough for those who have too little' - UBC SOP Graduate Admissions in Computer Science [8]

Rather than delivering a statement of purpose, you formatted the essay to become a personal statement instead. While the intention for your higher studies is clear within the essay, you often strayed in content and offered personal information regarding your struggle to find a career for yourself rather than giving the necessary information as to the purpose of your essay.

So you worked for a corporation for more than a year before deciding to change careers and pursue a masters degree. You mentioned that twice in your essay, making it redundant and therefore, irrelevant to your statement. Just say that once and don't repeat it anymore. It does not really help your essay. It just makes you seem like you are complaining about the previous work that you did.

Rather than harping on how you had to reflect upon what was wrong with your career, why don't you instead focus on the future of your career after your masters degree. All reviewers are interested in learning about how you will use your new gained knowledge in helping to not only further your career but the industry you are in. Talk about developing an app while studying that you feel will revitalize a tired field or change the prospects of a certain aspect of technology.

Don't be so contemplative in the essay. Try to make your voice sound more upbeat and hopeful, rather than dim and self-contemplating. Tell the reviewer how your past experience has inspired your current desire to study and how higher studies will benefit you career wise or, in your case, personally, in order to depict the importance of this masters degree to you as a person and professional.

Essays / "System modeling and simulation" - anyone can help with essay? i just have not idea:(. [3]

Sarics, the first question I have for you is, what are you majoring in? Your field of study will normally dictate the kind of system modeling and simulation project that you should be developing. Next, I would want to know what problem in particular from your country can best be used for this project. Remember, it should be in line with your major and must also be something that you can easily research. Make sure that you have a network of people to interview, survey, and refer to for your simulation tests and similar activities. If you don't have access to even the most basic sources of information for the study then choose another topic.

The aim of your simulation should definitely have some real world applications in order to get you a better grade from your professor. Remember, the more applicable your simulation is, the easier it will be for you to accomplish the related research and development tasks, the easier it will be for you to complete the paper. Think in terms of practical applications whenever possible in order to make your research life easier.

As for the rest of the requirements of your research, all of those should come into play or fall into place easily once you settle on your topic for research and its real world applications. It is hard for us to give more specific advice because you have not told us what your major is and what you might want to use as the topic for this research. If we know those basic information, our advice will be further improved.

Writing Feedback / Banning Corporal Punishment in America to Decrease Mental Disorders [5]

Sam, I am sure you did not mean to say "One renounced researcher named Elizabeth Gershoff" but rather, "One renowned researcher..." "Renounced means to deny while "renowned" means highly recognized or popular. Before you use a term, I suggest you use a dictionary to confirm the meaning first. Using the wrong term for a description in your essay is worse than having bad grammar and will affect your grade even more than a badly developed sentence.

Before you launch into the evils of corporal punishment, I suggest that you first present a short history of corporal punishment in America. There must be a very good reason as to why previous generations of Americans swear by corporal punishment as an effective method of developing discipline in a child. You should use that at the basis of your essay and then work on how the child psychologists have, over the decades, changed their view about this form of punishment due to the high rate of mental illnesses and crimes.

Discussing the history of corporal punishment will bring a balanced discussion to your research which is currently one sided in terms of the information that it delivers. In order to better educate and offer the reader an option or the ability to make an informed decision regarding the use of corporal punishment, you should present both sides of the debate. However, make sure to use the weaker argument for corporal punishment that way your discussion regarding its banning will become more effective and acceptable to the reader.

Essays / How to write an argumentative essay about global warming? Need a good topic. [7]

Dang, when it comes to global warming, there are a number of topics that you can choose from. Charlotte is right about nuclear power being a very old topic. However, there are other energy resources that are just as controversial that you can opt to discuss. For example, you can look into how windmills are seen as the next most viable alternative energy resource by energy experts, but seen as a nature hazard by environmental conservationists.

Since windmills are fast growing in popularity as an energy resource across the world, now would be the perfect time for you to discuss this up and coming alternative energy resource in terms of its effects on the people, our planet, and global warming in general. You can discuss the research paper based on a basic outline that you can expand depending upon your need. The basic outline can include:

1. Definition of windmills.
2. History of windmill power.
3. Modern windmill power concept
4. Advantages of windmill power
5. Disadvantages of windmill power
6. Your personal stance on the issue

These are just some of the basic information that you can use to develop your argumentative research thesis. Try to present it to your professor and see if he will accept it as a topic and if he will have any suggestions for you regarding what other topics you can discuss within the parameters of your topic.

Graduate / Ecology and Conservation Biology: Graduate Admissions Statement of Purpose [6]

Hi Katie, you certainly delivered on all the points of improvement that I provided in my previous critique of your essay. However, it still lacks refinement and polishing in terms of its presentation to the reviewer. I opted to do it for you so that you can worry about other things related to your college application already :-) I hope you like what I came up with.

As a sophomore at the University of Michigan, I have been engaged in research experiences that have deepened my theoretical knowledge of tropical biology and my technical skills with which to study it. Due to these experiences and my life's passion of being an environmental steward, I am on track to pursue a PhD to study related to the consequences of landscape fragmentation on the gene flow and population genetics parameters of tropical plant communities. I hope to extend my analysis to temperate communities as well, in order to compare the effects of fragmentation when community structure and pollination strategies vary.

During my recent internship at the Smithsonian Tropical Research Institute, I worked with Dr. L to answer the question about what mechanisms create and maintain the high degree of plant diversity in the tropics? Our project investigated the hypothesis that herbivore preferences may cause density-dependent herbivory pressure on plants with similar chemical defenses. If the chemical defense traits of tropical plant communities were to be overdispersed at one or more of the phylogenetic levels, overdispersion may provide an opportunity for the coexistence of plant species with varying chemical defenses. While this research is still ongoing, the preliminary chemical data suggests that there is overdispersion of chemical defense traits at the species level.

When completed, this research will confirm or reject the hypothesis that overdispersion of chemical defense traits creates niche partitioning among tropical plant species. One future direction for this research could be to determine whether defense chemistry is also overdispersed at a spatial level. We sought to test this hypothesis with a dual investigation of the herbivory network (at the plant and insect community level) and chemical defense network (at the plant species level) within Barro Colorado Island's 50-Ha permanent tree plot in Panama.

For six months in 2015, I worked full-time in the L laboratory to conduct large-scale PCR barcoding reactions on insects and to identify the insect barcode and plant barcode from the plant material remaining in the stomach or mouthparts at the time of collection. Before the interns arrived for the summer, I helped troubleshoot protocols, order appropriate supplies, and plan a timeline for extractions and PCR reactions. I mentored five of my fellow interns in DNA extraction, PCR, and laboratory sterile technique. At the end of the summer, we had completed all 100 full plate extractions (~10,000 insects DNA extractions). Due to my ability to motivate and plan for success, we had reached our goal in just over 2 months. I plan to use this experience in my future endeavors as a graduate student mentor to undergraduates.

In addition to managerial experience, I gained valuable network analysis skills in R. Using code from R and preliminary data, I was able to construct a web of interactions between herbivores and plant hosts. We will populate a Bayesian model with the data from this food web, data from the chemical networks, and abiotic variables of the plot to determine which parameters are most influential to species composition and structure. I plan to use this experience working with networks to facilitate my future research in mutualistic pollination networks, a subject currently being investigated by Dr. G, Dr. H, and Dr. P.

I wish to pursue a PhD in Botany at Oregon State due to the wide range of resources in genomic science available through the Center for Genome Research and Biocomputing and the wealth of research being done in plant genetics. These resources will be key to my future endeavors utilizing next-generation genetic techniques to answer ecological questions involving gene flow of natural plant populations.

My future plans include the development of a tropical biology laboratory to study the anthropogenic effects of climate change and landscape fragmentation on tropical ecosystems. I plan to use my position as the PI of a laboratory to provide opportunities to students to pursue tropical biology research.

As my career progresses I plan to write about my experiences and knowledge I gained from conducting research in the tropics. Although many North Americans will never experience them, tropical rainforests play an integral role in global carbon storage and climate regulation. I plan to make a lasting impact on the land management of tropical regions by providing information to the policy makers and inhabitants of the tropics. I hope that my path to these goals will involve pursuing a doctorate degree within the Department of Botany and Plant Pathology at Oregon State University. I believe I would make a valuable addition to the program, as a leader and student, due to my experiences and passions within my chosen field.

I concentrated my efforts on polishing the content, shortening the paragraphs where possible, and fixing the format by dividing the longer paragraphs at the correct points to create 2 topic paragraphs instead. I wish you luck with your application :-)

Scholarship / Describe a figure or movement which has provided inspiration within your own life. [6]

Hi Yankey, I like the essence of your essay. However, the writing and presentation can be improved. So I did that for you when I revised your essay. I hope you won't mind that I did that. I was able to write the essay with only 349 words. The original had 307 words but needed polishing. By the way, can you explain to the reviewer what Paw paw is and why it had to be sliced before it was sold? That is something that the reviewer may be interested in finding out about. I can help you edit the essay again to fit the word count in a polished manner.

I was thirteen when my parents divorced, I came to realize that my mother was the only important person in my life that very same day because my decalred he would be abandoning me. She covered me with maternal protection and made sure that the lack of a father figure would not pose any harm or threat to me in any way. She became my mother, father, and financial source, the strong woman who headed our new age family. Even as those around us said she was weak and would be unable to care for me. She proved them all wrong.

Rather than losing hope, she soldiered on, waking up at 4 AM to go to her menial jobs. Finding her inner strength to go from job to job, even going to the next town to get Paw Paw, which she would slice and sell on the road, just to make ends meet for our family. She would only come home when there were no more jobs to be done or PawPaw to sell.

Coming home, she would take a quick nap and then leave again at 6 PM to sell sachet water in the street. All of her sacrifices were meant to help me. Give me shelter, food, and my basic needs, never thinking of keeping anything for herself. She thought I did not notice her sacrifices when in reality, I was being inspired by her actions.

Our life together has been an uphill struggle. My father abandoning us was the best thing that could have happened to me because it showed me who my true inspiration in life should be, my mother. That is why I have decided that her sacrifices shall not be for naught. I will become a better person because of her sacrifices, pushing myself to work harder than anyone else and persistent when it comes to pursuing my education. I am her inspriration to do well in life, she is my inspiration to do better as well. Together, we inspire one another to achieve the best that our life together has to offer.

Undergraduate / My background and an experience of meeting new people [7]

Pravin, I looked over your essay with a fine tooth comb and found some holes that need to be addressed. When you discuss your siblings, you mention there are 5 of you so tell us something about them. You also need to expand upon your interaction with the Magars. Tell us something tha tyou learned from your experience of interacting with them. What did you learn? If you had a first impression about them, did that change by the end of the visit? The idea here is to explain how your origins and the origins of other people have helped you develop an understanding of the world around you and how you deal with these differences.

I have taken the liberty of cleaning up your essay to make it more polished content-wise. However, I fully expect you to fill in the portions that need to be filled in relation to my comments above. After you do that, I can help you finalize the content of your essay.I revised it with a total of 223 words . You have plenty of room to represent the portions I indicated. Here is the revised essay:

I am Nepalese in ancestry, Aryan by race, and Hindu by religion. These roots make me and my family members Brahmin. My family composed of a total of 5 members moved to Kathmandu for the education that it offers my siblings and I. Our finances rely on my father's work in Ropali. A job he is committed to even as he suffers from lung and nerve problems. My mother cares fro the needs of our family and ensures that my siblings and I are always safe and cared for. Being the oldest among the siblings, it is my duty to help lighten the burden that my parents carry when it comes to helping our family survive.

While on vacation in Rolpa with my father, we came to visit a Magar caste home. Their culture and traditions were far different from mine and this opened my eyes to the fact that even people who cmoe from highly different backgrounds can manage to find a common ground where they can get along. Take the case of this family, they showed me that although they were iliterate and poor, they had a kind heart This taught me to always respect the culture and traditions of others because regardless of our differences, we can still manage to become steadfast friends.

Graduate / Occupational Therapy - this is the profession I have been searching/seeking for. [6]

Marilyn, the essay that you wrote is too long for a personal statement. There were portions that needed to be combined, shortened, or totally eliminated in order to make the essay more appealing to the reviewer. Your statement about using Pathfinder to help you find a career places your discovery of Occupational Therapy as your chosen profession on an impersonal level. If you discovered your career from reading a book, then the impression will be that just like everything else in your academic life, you will have a strong tendency to change directions, regardless of what your volunteer / internship experience in that field is. So the essay should be revised to turn this very weak depiction of your character as a student into a positive. I believe that I have accomplished that for you below:

When I turned eighteen, I knew that I wanted to pursue a career in the field of healthcare. However, I lacked the background and exposure to the various healthcare branches that I could consider for my career. I settled on Pharmacy as the obvious choice for myself. Thus began my journey of self-discovery and learning with regards to the various occupations that i could have in healthcare.

Beginning my studies in Biochemistry with the aim of becoming a Pharmacist, I was able to develop my people skills upon entering the professional world as a Pharmacy Technician. While the work was fulfilling enough, I felt like I still had not found my niche in the healthcare world. I wanted to have more interaction with the patient than my current field offered. I desired for a more synergetic interaction with those in need of my help. The grades that I had been getting told me that I needed to change my direction, this was not the field for me.

I reassessed my goals and tried my hand at Human Development, where my grades also began to improve. Interning at the Vietnamese American Cancer Foundation during this time as part of my required class activity slowly introduced me to the world of Occupational Therapy. I found myself volunteering as Physical Therapy aid at the institution because of my interest in this field of healthcare. As time progressed, i felt that I had found the avenue of work that allowed me to have the kind of patient interaction that I desired. This was the profession that allowed me to become a direct participant in the improvement of the patient's life through exercise and therapy. While I was happy and content in this discovery, there was still one aspect of my journey that I had yet to discover. I still questioned whether this was the ultimate career for me in my chosen field. My answer was no. There was something more I wanted to achieve.

So began my volunteer work at a hand therapy clinic and a pediatric therapy clinic. Occupational Therapy was an avenue that I began to look into after assessing my current skills through The Pathfinder career guidance book. The results of which told me that I had the calling for this field, and helped me narrow down my career path. Finally, I was no longer trying on many hats in the field, trying to find the one that best fit me. This hat fit perfectly.

I have been able to witness first hand the small and large impact that an Occupational Therapist can make in the life of the afflicted. It felt so rewarding to hear a patient, who was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, say that he was able to print his name on his math exam earlier that day; even though a few weeks prior, he wasn't able to write his name at all. It was simple, but it felt so meaningful and empowering to me.

This is the profession where my calling lies and I am confident that my search has come to an end. Occupational therapy me with the opportunity to to uphold my defender personality: sensing, feeling, and judging traits. I will be given the chance to improve the quality of life for manyduring their lifetime and at the same time, help me learn and grow as well.Occupational Therapy is the career that will help me create my total adult persona.

As you can see, what I did was turn your negative talk into a positive, soul searching experience that will make the reviewer more receptive towards your "shortcomings" and seemingly "lack of focus" as a student, making him see it as a strength instead because it helped you develop something about yourself and your life. The key is to always use the negatives that you have as a strength. It takes some professional help to be able to do that. Using my decades of experience in assisting students perfect they application essays, I hope that I was able to do the same for you :-)

Scholarship / "Being a Computer Prefect" - Leadership Roles essay [3]

Hi Yankey, I hope you won't mind if I polish the content of your response. it is really shows off your leadership and analytical abilities. You were able to present your ideas and represent your participation in the situation in a concise and clear manner. However, the language problem just made the response a little bit hard to understand. Here is how I polished your essay with 99 words:

As a Computer Prefect, I was often tasked to help teach the freshmen students in Information Communication Technology class because the teachers needed assistance in educating the freshmen. . So I ended up skipping classes whenever I was called in to help.

This had an adverse reaction on my studies, due to my limited study time, I began to self - study. while sleeping only 4 hours a night. Through sheer hard work and persistence, I managed to pass my exams and move on to my next class level while continuing to help the students of Information Communication Technology.

I hope that the changes I made are acceptable to you ;-)

Letters / 'immersed in fine arts' - Motivation letter for applying for BA International Studies to Leiden Uni. [2]

Charlotte, a motivation letter should actually just occupy 5 well developed paragraphs. It should not be used as a narrative of your resume or other documents that you are submitting along with the essay. It should only be a summary of the content with an emphasis on the development of your interest in International Studies.

In a motivation letter, you should outline your current accomplishments in the field (if any) that you have chosen to pursue, lay-out the foundation of your activities that helped to develop your interest, and then offer an insight as to how you see yourself using this particular degree in the future. In order to present an overall idea as to what you hope to accomplish during the next 4 years of your studies.

Now, taking the content of the essay into consideration, 700 words would seem excessive for a motivation letter.However, that will also depend upon whether the university has specified a word limit for your letter or not. If they have guidelines for their motivation letters, them make sure to follow it. If you want to shorten the essay, there are a number of paragraphs that you can actually delete in order to make it more interesting and easier to read. I would like you to consider removing the following paragraphs (Only the beginning of the paragraph will be posted):

I do not excel at all subjects; however, I am proud of my improvement and passions for arts and languages.
- Never degrade your abilities in any letter. You should always build your image in such a way that the negative becomes a positive. However, since this paragraph deals with your interest in arts, it should not be in this essay, it does not relate to your chosen major.

As an avid learner, I have also arranged myself some lessons-aside from language courses
- Just stay on topic. Focus on the motivation. Don't clutter the letter with extra curricular activities and the like. You just need to discuss your interest in International studies and nothing more. Save everything else for the other prompt requirements.

During my spared time, I have helped a local teachers' union in terms of designing some posters and cards
- Same reasons as above.

As for the library reference, try to connect it to your interest in international studies somehow. It is an important activity that can easily related to your chosen major.

Scholarship / In UWC I will represent my country and share my culture and tradition, help it in any way possible. [3]

Pravin, I am impressed by your desire to develop your writing skills prior to filling out your student application essays. Using the actual prompt itself for your written essay practice will be an added benefit to your essay when the time comes. That said, there is something that you should know about UWC before you proceed with your practice essays.

The UWC essays are quite specific and requires you to show a clear understanding of what UWC stands for and its mission and objectives. Therefore, you should do some heavy research on UWC, take note of the important aspects of UWC in terms of its set up, academic ambition for its students, social objectives, and international purpose. All of that information can be found in the website of UWC. Just run a Google search in order to find it.

If I were you, since I will be doing the intricate research required already, and you seem to have a source for the UWC essay prompts, turn your practice test into the real thing. Don't just practice, condition yourself to the mindset that you are writing the actual application essay already. That way the practice that you will be doing will prove to be useful at the end.

Undergraduate / Soap matters to me. It's not the object, it's what soap is representative of that matters. [5]

Ashwini, I would not have accepted being called a moron because you are not a moron. You just have a different way of looking at things and how you present them. Now, while you are not a moron, I don't really believe that the object that you chose for the essay is the proper one to discuss. You see, the soap analogy does not directly connect to you as a person. Sure it relates to society, but that is not the main concern of the essay. You need to be less historical, less literary, and more realistic with your concerns.

Now, I am not saying that the problems of the world and the cruelty that people have experienced over the decades are not important. Those are truly important. However, it is not something that reflects a direct connection with your character development, social traits, or beliefs in life. The object that you should use as the physical representation of something important to you should present a relevant and understandable reason in your discussion.

If you want to discuss soap as what matters to you the most, why don't you try to do it from the point of view of your trying to wash away your own faults and imperfections in life rather than discussing historical accounts and novels in relation to the soap? While those historical accounts are important and the novel is informative, those are all disconnected from you as a person. Create the connection with, not necessarily an object, but something that represents either an ideology or state of mind that is important to you due to its strong influence in your life. That is how you develop the response to this prompt.

Undergraduate / I created the Investment Club for students on my campus with a passion for business - Texas Essay [4]

Chad, the essay that you wrote contains more elements that will respond to the prompt about challenging a belief or idea and what you did to change it rather than being involved in an activity where you collaborated or interacted with people whose experiences and/or beliefs differ from yours. Don't forget that the essay prompt asks you to consider people who have different ideas or beliefs that had a meaning or perception different from yours. Your essay does not, in my opinion present this event in your narrative.

What you discussed here was how you set up a club and led it. How you welcomed the members and turned them into friends. This is a diversity topic if I ever read one. It does not present an obstacle that you had to overcome because of the fact that the person or situation forced you to analyze your own beliefs or ideologies in life. This essay is all about showing the extent of your open mindedness regarding various topics and situations.

You need to choose a situation from your life where you felt that you were being forced to change who you are or what you believe in so that you can fit into a group or gain acceptance from your peers. For example, you were faced with a roommate who had a strikingly different personality from yours. How did you view this person at first? What was the situation like? How did you meet your roommate halfway? Or maybe you learned to accept him as he is. Now, that is only an example. Maybe you have a similar situation in your life that you previously experienced. If you can try to find a situation that will address a change in mindset for yourself or acceptance of something yo finally realized you could not change, then you will have found the correct response to the prompt.

Undergraduate / I need to enjoy my time being alone won't help. I changed my old view about the people. [4]

Fwaz, the response that you developed for the prompt did not exactly respond to it. While you were placed in a setting that was different from what you were used to and you initially did not like the situation, there was no real obstacle to your mindset nor challenge to your belief or ideas that existed there. Instead, you made a friend who helped you better adjust to the situation. This made the essay sound more inspirational rather than challenging.

The essay needs to address a moment in time when you found yourself being forced to adapt to a situation because the people you were with had beliefs or attitudes that ran differently or counter to yours. For example, were you ever faced with bigotry, religious judgement, or simply, a situation or person that said "You are wrong and I am right"? If you have, then you have the experience with which to properly respond to the essay. You will have the experience wherein your mindset was being forcibly altered by those around you.

Such is the challenge that would have you asking yourself "How can I deal with this?". At that point, only one of two things can happen, either you changed your belief system and worked with the group, or your cooperated with the group for the sake of the project or situation, but still kept your personal beliefs intact. There was no reflection of such an event happening in the situation you related.

You said that you view your schoolmates as people who prevented you from reaching your goal. That goal was not clearly identified in the essay. In order to make this essay work, you need to align that setting for the background from the very start. Make it clear to the reader that you faced a real obstacle rather than just you having to overcome your mindset of being a loner.

Undergraduate / UIUC - Gap Year - What have you been doing upon graduating from high school? [3]

Hi Ken, I hope you won't mind but I decided that the best way to help you enhance this highly informative and entertaining essay was to edit it in totality. I worked on keeping the focus of the essay while shortening some parts in order to create a more streamlined essay. The revision I did shortened the essay to 1978 characters. Here is what I came up with you:

Having spent a majority of my life as a student, I decided to take a gap year in order to spend time with my family, travel, and embrace new experiences that would help me to get to know myself better. My family settled in Singapore after having originally hailed from Indonesia so I began my wold travels by rediscovering that side of my family. Visitng my homeland helped me reconnect with my roots and learn to speak Bhasa Indonesia.

From Indonesia, I proceeded to spend some time backpacking in Australia. I was exposed to the world of thrills such as skydiving, diving, and surfing. Next on the travel agenda was a trip to America with my family, where I fell in love with the university campus and community system of education. Since I was already thinking of studing in America, the trip only helped to solidify my interest in pursuing my undergraduate studies there.

My travels helped me grow as a person. I found my voice and became more oustpoken over time, and learned to become more responsible as an individual. by immersing myself in various communities across the globe, I developed a global perspective and discovered new passions such as learning Japanese as a fourth language.

Not all of my time was spent doing extra curricular activities during the year. Aspiring to be a future computer scientist, I also interned at ---, a mobile commerce start-up where I started out as a non-technical employee and gradually improved my ability to code through courses on Codeacademy and Pluralsight, I was able to partake in several rudimentary coding assignments. This internship opportunity has allowed me to experience first hand what it feels like to be a computer scientist. It not only allowed me to develop my technical skills but also hone my business, marketing and management skills.

This gap year has really transformed my life beyond belief. Instead of burying myself in textbooks learning about our contemporary world, I am finally able to live in it.

I also did my best to help you create an easier to read paragraph by dividing your paragraphs. Please don't hesitate to let me know if you want to continue working on this version of the essay or if you think it will already be useful to you as is :-)

Undergraduate / Hopefully, I'll be able to become successful in computer science. UC Personal Statement #2: MY WORLD [5]

Sukhpreet, here is the thing, you did not really concentrate on developing your background story. AS you said, you struggled to write this essay for some reason. Which is why it has such abrupt presentations in terms of discussion topics. Rather than being inspirational, it comes across more as simply rattling off information about your parents, your family, activities, etc. It lacks a personal connection and a sense of reflection on your part.

When you write about your family background, try to find something inspirational about your parents. What is it about your mom and your dad, as individuals that has helped you develop your character and personality? What are their best traits that you find yourself embodying in your own personality and life? Pick the top trait or the top 2 traits that you feel you can discuss and present it in an enlightening manner in the essay. What are their strongest points as parents, role models, or business people that you wish to emulate? Tell the reviewer about it. As you discuss those traits, you will find that you are already discussing how their influence has helped you shape your character, along with your dreams and aspirations.

Now, keep in mind that you are not limited to discussing just your immediate or extended family members. You can actually discuss any person who has a significant impact or influence in your life. That should help you get over your mental block in developing the essay. Just remember that the only requirement of the essay is that you have interaction with this person as a member of your community. So, you can talk about anyone from your parents, to Big Al who runs the local soda shop. All of these people are the influences in your life and all of them have helped shape your dreams and aspirations. Just choose who the specific person you want to discuss is and why .

Writing Feedback / The study-work culture in Denmark has always fascinated a lot of international students [7]

Yaswanth, your essay actually has a number of useless information such as the statistics on education, corruption, and other government related data. Now, considering that you are being asked to discuss only the educational system in comparison to one another, I really don't believe that the inclusion of that information made your essay any better. Instead, it weakened it because you presented non-related information instead of concentrating solely on the demands of the prompt for a creatively written essay. So, what I tried to accomplish for you below, is a revision of the current essay that you have, solely concentrating on presenting the comparison of the educational systems from your personal perspective. Which is what the prompt requires. It comes in at 382 words, way below the 500 maximum count:

India is a country that values education, but has a system that tries to control the learning process of its students. That is why I have recently found myself at a crossroad. I have a desire to learn more in my field of interest, but I do not wish to be controlled in my quest for knowledge anymore. I knew that I could apply for admission to any country in the world, but I did not want to go to just any country, I want to study where few students have thought of studying, a small country where the educational system is open, innovative, and inspirational to its students. That is how I found myself considering Denmark for the next phase of my education.

I was drawn to Denmark as a potential country to seek my education in is because Denmark's educational system approaches education with a student-centric learning approach. Allowing the student to actually learn through project development and problem solving helps to enhance the leadership and analytical abilities of the student. This is in far cry from the self-centered, educator controlled learning environment that is promoted in India. Passive listening is the method by which I learned most of my lessons growing up and I always felt that something was missing in my education because of it. My education in India was centered mostly on getting good grades and exam performance. So I became very good with theories, not so good when it came to actual applications. This is one of the drawbacks of an Indian education, when compared to the Danish style that allows the students to experience their lessons first hand through experiments and application, with the aid of their teacher.

In the overall scheme of things, I have come to believe that both systems of education, though different from one another, have positive attributes that help to create a unique and innovative learning style for their specific nations. That said, I believe that the Indian system of education,when combined with the strengths of its Danish counterpart, will produce a unique kind of student who is strong both in theory and application. I hope to become one of the first student graduates of the combined Indian base education and Danish higher studies.

You can actually use this version that I developed for you in your application. I believe that it best represents the prompt and the information that you wish to provide.It is direct to the point and offers the necessary information without beating around the bush, something that the reviewer will definitely appreciate in your essay. Let me know if you want to work further on this version or if this version is alright with you. I'll be happy to work with you on it :-)

Undergraduate / If you had the opportunity to establish a club at the university what would it be and why ? [3]

Basil, I am not really sure that the video editing club would be the best club for you to establish in the university. Most colleges and universities, even high schools, in the United States have school sanctioned video clubs already. That club is somewhat commonplace due to the high interest of the youth in creating videos. So the schools already support those types of clubs. Your desire to establish another one won't really be that noticeable or important to the school community.

The kind of club that you should be establishing needs to be unique and uncommon. think of something that you enjoy doing that possibly, only a small section on the university population might also enjoy. Think about an activity that could possibly be disenfranchised at a university. If possible, look into the extra curricular activities, organizations, and clubs offered by the university you wish to attend. Find a club that does not exist there, which you know would be quite popular if it existed and then think about establishing that kind of club.

After you identify the least represented activity, develop the objective for the club and then place the ideas into an essay narrative format. Make sure that you present a convincing stance regarding the importance of the club in the development and enjoyment of the students. Close it by acknowledging that while it may be difficult to establish, you are willing to do the work to make it a reality.

They essay is trying to test your work ethic and leadership skills by asking you to develop an activity from scratch. So representing how you will follow through on the idea is very important to this essay.

Writing Feedback / The study-work culture in Denmark has always fascinated a lot of international students [7]

Yaswanth, I agree with Kenneth regarding the mention of the Big Bang, it just doesn't fit in the overall essay. You can't even refer back to it at the end. Frankly speaking, the work that you wrote did not come across as the creative essay that the prompt is asking you to come up with. It uses too much of the narrative style and depicts information almost like a research paper. All of which do not really fall in line with the "suggestion" of the prompt that you "think outside the box" and use a creative, and imaginative approach to your essay.

When we speak of a creative and imaginative approach, that means you should relay the information that you have on hand in an informal or "story telling" manner. Don't think about ancient civilizations or just presenting the facts and figures that you learned while doing research for this essay. Be innovative in your presentation. Come up with a backstory for the information. Don't just present it to the reviewer. Also, don't concentrate on the international student aspect of the educational difference of the two countries. Just think about how the differences apply to you as a student. After all, you are trying to sell the reviewer on your idea of the differences between the Danish and Indian educational systems.

One of the ways that you can write this essay is from your personal point of view. What you need is a story about the reasons why you opted to compare studying in India with studying in Denmark. Sure you presented the reasons quite clearly in this narrative, but you did not present the reasons why these differences are important to you, as a student and as a person. In order to understand the difference between the learning opportunities in Denmark and India, the reader has to first learn your personal objectives for studying in Denmark.

Again, your essay contains all of the theoretical and factual information for the comparison, what it lacks, is your personal voice. So another way to present your creative and innovative essay would be for you develop your own idea or reflection as to why the Indian basis of education will be a benefit to an Indian student when combined with the Danish way of learning.

Writing Feedback / How does higher education in Denmark differ from India? [7]

Hi Shiring, in answer to your first question, you certainly can get creative in writing your response to the essay. The problem with your original concept about William Dane as an imaginary friend was that the strength of your information would have been lessened since it all happened in an imagined world. that is why I decided to reverse the concept and turn it into an actual, informative conversation with the same named person instead. You can be as imaginative as you want in the essays you write, provided that the prompt allows you to do that as in the case of this particular essay prompt. Creativity in writing is always good, within certain parameters.

As for your over the limit essay, I was able to bring the word count down to 482 words. I hope I was able to edit it to your satisfaction :-)

I was sitting in front of my laptop in our family living room, entering hour 5 of my current 4 hour marathon university search on the internet continuing to take notes regarding the masters degree requirements of university number 5 , I failed to notice that my father's friend, William Dane had arrived. I was surprised when I heard someone calling my name Mr. Dane was sitting across the coffee table from me. Asking what I was doing, I responded that I was looking for a university to attend for my studies. He asked, "Have you considered studying in Denmark?" I simply answered, "No." He advised me to consider the option, which led to a discussion comparing the educational system of Denmark with India.

Denmark, according to him, has a continuous learning process which was more practical than theoretical. I explained that the Indian educational system was more theoretical which was why the students were more concerned with learning concepts.

In India our focus in education is either breadth or depth of knowledge, it was a method that had proved to be fruitful for students who get into multinational companies. William agreed with me somewhat, explaining that in Denmark, the prospects of breadth and depth of knowledge is balanced, which is the reason why the Dane's are the second best globally when it comes to producing a quality work force. Denmark's education focuses on technological evolution in order to fight "unemployment" and produce a good work force, a stark contrast with Indian education.

In India the post graduate projects which play an important role in the course work are designed by the professor. The students play a lesser role in deciding the projects as a result the chances of getting working based on new ideas is reduced. This is the reason why India registers less patents and innovations. William smiled knowingly then told me that in Denmark, Dane's select the project and lead the project till the end and professors provide the guidelines, the reason why they are most innovative in Europe. Dane's enjoy creating innovations. I found myself wishing that we had such a chance for the students in India to select their projects.

Towards the end of our exchange, William asked me about the interdisciplinary programmes in India and exchange programs, He said that they are well encouraged in Denmark to study abroad and have new experiences and adventures. I intimated that in India, we have very few of those programmes and we concentrate on one particular course. For example, if I am pursuing my masters in electrical engineering and would like to study some biology course as an add on course, that wouldn't happen in India. As our conversation ended because my father had joined us in the living room, I felt excited about what I learned during our conversation and began considering pursuing my masters in Denmark.

Graduate / 'participating in online artists talks, visiting online galleries' - MA visual arts SOP [7]

Mawra, that is a very good addition to the essay. Do you know where you plan to position it in the essay? I don't feel like it should be placed at the beginning of the essay as I originally suggested. I believe that it will better suit your purpose and create an impression if you use it as your closing paragraph instead. Of course, that is just my suggestion and you can actually position the paragraph anywhere you want within the essay :-)

Now for some minor editing just to make the paragraph sound better when the reviewer reads it :-)

Do Ho Suh's silk architectures, Peter Gentenaar's paper sculptures, Faig Ahmad contemporary carpets, Afroz Amigi's and Ayesha Khalid's installations ARE MY INSPIRATIONS FOR MY ART AND INFLUENCE MY CURRENT AND FUTURE WORK.

I hope you won't mind that I edited some parts of your essay just to emphasize some parts or make some portions more impressive :-)

Undergraduate / USC Undergraduate Admissions Supplement Essay- Major: Applied Mathematics, Intended Minor: History [4]

Jack, I can sense your love for number crunching across the screen of my laptop. It really does seem like you are dedicated to spending your time at USC finding a way to combine STEM with Humanities. That is why I am wondering why you wasted your valuable word count by presenting questions instead of discussing how you plan to combine STEM with Humanities as an USC student. Don't you think that discussing that would have been a better use for the word count?

The way I see it, you need to develop your response to shed more light upon how you plan to pursue those courses at USC considering that they are supposed to be at odds with one another. It would have helped if you discussed a method by which you see yourself enrolling in those classes and then combining what you have learned to create a unique or totally new math concept that would rely on inspiration from both fields of study. Or something along those lines.

Remember, the purpose of this statement is to let the reviewer know that you have some definite courses in mind to enroll in. Having accomplished that, you can discuss why you feel the need to pursue both fields and how these should successfully come together for you as a student at USC over the next 4 years. I know it sounds hard, but a response like that is exactly what will make a reviewer take note of your application and make it more memorable to him.

Graduate / Further Financial Understanding and Career Advancement - MSc in Finance - Imperial College [5]

Arief, when the instruction says that the response can be 1-2 pages of a back to back paper, you should aim to offer only a page and a half for your full response. The reason behind that is that a longer statement will result in either redundant or unrelated topics being discussed just so you can fill out the space. 2 pages is the maximum, but not the target of the developed statement of purpose. So yes, your paper runs too long and can definitely be edited to make it shorter and yet informative. What I suggest you do are as follows:

1. Delete the first paragraph since it does not really immediately offer any information related to the requirements provided. Start the essay with the second paragraph instead. That offers an instant answer to one of the prompt guides so it will really help to keep your essay short but informative.

2. Good work in mentioning your participation in competitions. Those are accomplishments that can help your application. Keeping your promise to your parents to complete your thesis in 2 months, not so much. It is not related to your chosen profession so it should not even be mentioned. Unless of course your thesis was published, in which case, you should highlight that thesis accomplishment.

3. I don't believe that you require the current final paragraph. The essay read as much stronger and delivered a better impact when it ended with your reference to realizing that you can do anything you set your mind to. The next paragraph seemed superfluous already since it stated similar content.

Undergraduate / "Closed Doors" personal statement: describe an obstacle in life that you solved or want to solve [5]

Basil, the whole essay was really working perfectly well in reference to the prompt. It was abstract and insightful, it showed that you value your education and face hindrances that you are more than willing to overcome in various ways. It offered the reviewer a look into the unique way that your mind works in terms of problem solving. The only problem with the essay, is that it ended with a plea for financial assistance. That totally shattered the perfect essay that you wrote, rendering it unusable.

The essay became unusable because you presented the plea for financial aid at the end of the essay. As you very well know, the prompt was asking you discuss a problem that you want to overcome or had overcome. There was nothing in the essay that allows for you to beg for financial assistance as a student because that is not a problem that fits the essay prompt. However, if the financial aspect is the problem that you are looking to overcome, then you can still use that as the topic for this essay. You just have to change the way that you present and discuss it.

Instead of waxing poetic in the statement, go direct to the point. The problem you wish to overcome is the financial situation that is making it hard for you to gain college acceptance. Then follow through with a discussion of your plans regarding how you plan to overcome the problem in order to continue your studies. Talk about seeking financial aid and other forms of student assistance. Most of all, discuss how you plan to support yourself as a student if that finances are a problem for you. As a foreign student, you won't be allowed to work at the school or anywhere else. However, you can discuss alternative forms of income such as tutoring your classmates in subjects where you excel and other similar acts.

Of course the better option would be to simply choose a new topic for the essay related to a problem you were able to solve in the past that shows your strong character points. Usually, this prompt wants the student to discuss his potential to work under pressure and succeed under adverse circumstances, which is why the prompt was set up that way.

My advice is that you choose one of the two options for revising the content of your essay. It is the best thing for you to do because your current essay failed to respond properly to the prompt at the end.

Undergraduate / Life map--common application essay-background story-help with my structure and details [4]

Zhang, the background story that you shared shows us that you are a person who is determined to succeed even though your first impulse may be otherwise. As such, you have a strong character that will never allow you to fail. That is the kind of character trait that you should be proud to continue developing well into college. That said, the essay just has some parts that need to be strengthened or corrected in terms of grammar. I edited the necessary parts below. I did not want to confuse you with the strike outs and caps lock so I just revised the essay offline and posted it here. Read through it, you will easily see where I applied the changes. I hope you will like them. I believe it really helped improve your essay.

[i]Sweat blurred my eyes, branches left scratches on my bare skin . I am here, dragging my weary legs to the last control point. "Hold on for the last fifty meters," I told myself. The moment my finger pressed the timing machine, I sighed with relief.

I have dedicated myself to Orienteering for the past five years. All that time, I only had a compass and a mapon hand to guide me, coming up with the best ways to get to control points in the correct order in the shortest possible time. Five years ago, my coach asked me to join the varsity team. I was just a weak and skinny girl who stood out in the tryouts because I was familiar with the park, having grown up visiting it. I still accepted the offer, due to my curiosity and determination.

The first practice game was a nightmare. Without either practice or technique, I was lost completely. The trees, buildings, and muddy paths all looked the same to me. The contours and routes crouched together on the map drove me crazy. I did not even get to finish half of my game by the time the competition ended. Besides the frustrating game, the ten kilometer warm-up tortured me. I, who had never run more than two kilometers at a time before. I began to think about whether this was really the right choice tfor me and doubted whether I was capable of doing it or not.

I thought about quitting, but one practice in an undeveloped mountain with the National Orienteering Team changed my mind. The team could finish a medium-distance course in half an hour, while we could not even find a path to place our feet. I could not believe that they were just born with all the needed skills. During a conversation, I was told that they had been practicing for years to gain the proficiency that they had today. How could I just give up without giving it a shot? My passion and determination to succeed in this sport returned after that talk.

Since then, I have participated in the Orienteering games every weekend, whether they were league, regional or national. I have been on the team for five years, and in those five years I have stood at the top of the medals podium. I have also curled up in other people's shadows, congratulating them while I was being introspective of myself; I have been assured of my steps, but I also have ignored my instinct to follow the flow, even if it led me the wrong way.

"Believe in yourself, you have been doing great." "Landmarks are your friends." "Maps and compasses will not lead you astray."... All the words I have been told flashed through my mind while I was running my last game in my high school career. Now I stand on the medals podium with the best farewell- a certificate.[/]

Don't be afraid to let me know if I can help you out with further polishing of this essay, if you feel it is necessary :-)

Undergraduate / USC undergraduate admissions - business, with a focus on finance and entrepreneurship [5]

Chad, I spotted some very minor edits that should be applied to your essay. Mostly it has to do with your using the acronyms of the subjects and organizations at the university. There really is no need for that since the university reviewer knows what classes you are mentioning and their shortcut names. You could have used those extra word counts to better explain your essay response instead. So, you can further add to the content of the essay once you change the following:

I believe a curriculum in finance and entrepreneurship ample amply prepares an individual to be successful in any field of business.

These characteristics distinguish Marshall from other universities and prepare students for life after USC.

I look forward to taking classes such as Advanced Practicum in Investment Management (FBE453a/b) and Venture Management (BAEP 453) ,

In addition, I want to explore my academic interests outside of the classroom by joining student organizations such as Marshall Business Student Government, Marshall Youth Outreach, and Entrepreneurship & Venture Capital Association (EVCA) .

You don't necessarily have to use the freed up word count for additional information your essay if you do not feel it is necessary to do so. The strikeouts are just meant to make your essay easier to read and make it shorter so that the reviewer can concentrate on your response in a better manner.

Undergraduate / 'everything gets better with time' - moving from Mexico to the U.S. - UT Austin Topic A [4]

Well Juan, you certainly presented a very impressive essay. this was not merely a discussion of a different belief, but a comparison of two cultures and the differences that each culture represents. The way that you turned what was turning into a negative experience into a positive and learning one for yourself is really impressive and shows that you have the ability to fit in regardless of the situation that you are faced with. That said, I spotted a few portions in the essay that need to be corrected just to smooth out the flow of the discussion. Here are the revised essay portions:

I however , didn't react that way at all. I was honestly enthused by this idea,

When I first moved to the U.S. and started my 8th Grade year, I was so excited that I couldn't wait to see my new school and make new friends.

In Mexico and other parts of the Latin American world, we are taught to greet all members of the opposite sex with a kiss on the cheek,

That is not common here in the U.S. and I had to learn that the hard way, through many awkward encountesr when I leaned in for a kiss and I am met by a friendly hug or getting cut off with a confused stare and an awkward handshake.

I'm glad they said no, because if they hadn't I never would've gotten to experience what it's like to live among other cultures and beliefs.

People say that everything gets better with time, and I wholeheartedly agree. The longer I lived here , the more I started to understand American customs. Some even started to make sense to me. I made new friendships that have shaped me to be who I am today. I've come to grow as person in several ways. For example, I've become more outspoken, more independent, and more open-minded.

Undergraduate / I want to study the Earth and learn how it can help us in the future through its gifts - Texas essay [4]

Sara, at this point in the development of your essay, we need to make sure that the reviewer will consider it prompt responsive the minute he reads the first paragraph. At the moment, your first paragraph makes the statement come across more as a personal statement, which is a far cry from the prompt requirements listed. However, the second paragraph of your current essay can fix that problem. It should become the first paragraph instead because it really delves into your current extra curricular activity and its relation to your preparation for your career. The first paragraph, sounds too whiny and disconnected from the prompt to be useful. My suggestion is to delete that first paragraph and work with the second as the new introduction instead.

So with regards to your past and current extra curricular and academic activities, you have managed to present the information within the 2nd-4th paragraph of your current essay. What is missing is your concept of your future academic and extra curricular activities, meaning the subjects and activities that you look forward to participating in at the university, and how those will help you achieve your goals in life. You definitely need to mention at least one academic and one extra curricular activity in that respect in order to create the proper connection between your responses and the listed prompts.

Do you have any idea as to how you plan to write about that part of the essay? You may need to look at the university website for some inspiration. That is normally how you can learn about the activities and academic offerings that can be of interest to you at the college or department where you are enrolling. It should not be too hard to develop. Should you find yourself facing a blank wall though, let me know and I will see what I can do to help you get on track :-)

Graduate / Ecology and Conservation Biology: Graduate Admissions Statement of Purpose [6]

Katie, you can do away with the reference to One River at the start of your essay. If I remember correctly, you already used that book as part of your personal statement in a previous essay that I helped you edit. Now, whether you are submitting this SOP to the same school or not, the fact remains that the book does not really establish anything solidly related to your Phd, or is it a masters degree you are applying to? Regardless, the purpose of your statement should be to present your present qualifications and future plans in relation to your ultimate career or professional goal.

You have a wealth of relevant professional experience in your essay at the moment. However, not all of the work experience that you have is really as important as you think it is. Consider your participation in all of these activities, decide upon which particular projects you participated in allowed you to perform important or notable tasks that you managed to accomplish quite well. Then choose the 2 most important of these activities and use those experiences in the essay. Always set out to impress the reviewer with your work or internship related experience. You won't make an impression by presenting all of your work experience. He won't be able to remember all of those or pick the most important ones for you. It is up to you to represent yourself in the best light by choosing your most impressive and memorable project participation.

I would make a valuable addition to Oregon State's Botany and Plant Pathology Department because I readily seek opportunities to learn new techniques and topics outside of my immediate field of ecology and tropical biology. In the fall of 2014, I worked in a plant genetics lab with the goal of sharpening my technical skills in genetics. On account of this experience, I realized that interdisciplinary exchanges facilitate the exchange of technology, methods, and experiences, which benefit the advancement of both fields.

I find this paragraph to be the most non-essential part of your statement. You are portraying yourself as an exemplary student who will be an asset to the university but in reality, you are just making yourself sound like any other applicant. Impress the reviewer with notable accomplishments such as having a research paper published in a journal. Your work in the lab did not accomplish anything notable so you come across as merely writing a redundant essay paragraph. I would delete this paragraph if I were you.

As for your conclusion, it should be the paragraph about your future career goals and plans. Basically, you just need to revise and edit the content of this statement to make it work better :-)

Undergraduate / My aim is to become a Cardiovascular surgeon. Personal statement for a US student exchange program. [6]

Hi Shayan, don't worry about it :-) This version of your essay is a big improvement over the previous version. It still needed some editing and grammar correction during the proofreading on my end so I just went ahead and did it for you offline. I did not bother to mark the changes in the essay anymore because marking it along with the changes will just confuse you. So please see the 288 word edited version of your essay below :

I believe that I am well rounded person since I have always kept a proper balance between my social and academic life. I'm an outgoing person who loves sharing experiences with others from all walks of life,going new places and learning about different cultures and exchanging ideas.Cricket and football are my favorite childhood sports, and currently, I' have gotten into bodybuilding.

My aim is to become a Cardiovascular surgeon. I was inspired by my uncle who is the only eye specialist in the family. He has always had a positive impact on me , specially when it came to inspiring me to become a doctor. So growing up, I knew that I wanted to be like him. It just seems like the appropriate choice for me.

My ultimate goal in life is to become a good doctor.It is said that charity begins at home so I plan on helping the poor and the needy of my country first and foremost. It would be a great opportunity to further polish and refine my skills,as the volume of good doctors in my appointed field are scarce in Pakistan.I would like to establish a charitable hospital for those who cannot afford healthcare in Pakistan.

I want to pursue my goals in the USA because it's ranked as the best in Clinical medicine. The studies are more practical and research based,acting as a catalyst in enhancing the students capability to display their expertise in a desired field more efficiently.My plan is to take part in community service and Clinical medicine training programs,which will allow me to interact with people from different cultures, allowing me to look at life from a different perspective and help me connect with people following a common goal.

See if there is any portion you would still want to edit and let me know if you will need my help with the revision. I'll be more than happy to assist you :-)

Graduate / 'participating in online artists talks, visiting online galleries' - MA visual arts SOP [7]

Mawra, there is a very important aspect of your statement of purpose that you did not opt to develop further even though it is an integral part of the prompt response. I refer to the following quote from your essay:

After enrollment in visual arts, I wish to assimilate new input and perspectives beneficial to my future artistic creation.

Remember that when you present your statement of purpose, you need to be highly specific regarding how the program you are wishing to study will benefit your future career. So instead of simply saying that your studies will be beneficial to your artistic creation in the future, expand upon that discussion. That thought should be a stand alone paragraph that immediately follows your introductory paragraph. You need to provide a connection between your current academic accomplishments, work experience, and your future career goals and this will be the best way to do that. Reviewers actually expect to read such developed topics in your SOP so it should not be reduced to a mere one liner / sentence.

All other topics that you discussed in the essay really provides a strong foundation for your interests and shows the various ways that you would be a masters degree student asset at their university. The weakest part of your essay are you last 2 paragraphs that indicate:

Engaging in what happening within the art world today is also beneficial to my work, living in Faisalabad has not given me ample opportunity to visit galleries. So, I always tried to participate in online artists talks on different forums, visit online galleries and artists. I have also attended few online workshops.

If I take a look on my future career then I found myself as an installation artist or textile sculptor in galleries or other public places.

If you replace these paragraphs with a single paragraph regarding how you will assimilate the new input and use it to enhance your future success, you should be able to provide a stronger career goal for your future.