Writing Feedback / TOEFL ; Who is the Best Teacher ? [4]


...
student's ----> one student
students' ------> many students
He or she should devote his/her time in understanding the students' personal issues and gain their confidence. This helps the teacher to build a more healthy environment in the classroom.


...this idea was discussed in your previous sentence. So no need to repeat again.


Where is the example? You need to support your reasoning with a specific example. It is a must feature in this TOEFL task and you'll earn marks on that.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Watching television is bad [4]


Ok, here the reason you give is that TV makes people unsociable. Then you should tell them how does it happen and your examples must confirm the validity of the reason. You say TV makes people unsociable and it is better for them to read books. How can reading books make people sociable? It is again an activity that does not contribute anything in the direction of socializing. So, you need to concentrate on the reason you use to justify your position on the arguments and give examples to support that reason. That is what you are expected to do in the body paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / PRIVATE SCHOOL SHOULD BE BANNED! Ielts task 2 [5]

What is your position on this argument? You need to tell that in the introduction. I am quoting the structure that dumi suggests for the introduction for this task.

Undergraduate / I decided to join International Student Association; Extracurricular Activity [3]


I think this does not provide much value to your response. They do not wish to know obvious theory, but want to know more about you. Come quickly to relate to the point what experience made you a leader.


You can polish this sentence and can have as the hook of your response. This reveals about yourself and they'd be interested to read this sentence. Also, tell what you aimed by joining this association.

Feeling about myself as a baby duck who stepped on the huge, foreign land of Canada just for a stay of three years, i decided to join the International Student Association in view of adapting myself into this new and challenging environment.

Scholarship / 'No work until you graduate' - How do i overcome an obstacle in life; SCHOLARSHIP [5]

Ok, what is the question? It is important for us to know that to check whether your response meets its requirements :)


....hey , you are a very lucky person :D
After reading your essay, I feel you should have first described the financial constraints your family is currently facing. Then tell , even if that is the situation, your parents still against the idea of employing you thinking that money will change your focus in life. Then say that you do understand their love and concern for your future, but you cannot keep them carrying the burden any more. So you apply for this scholarship. I feel it gives a better flow for your response. Anyway, without seeing the prompt, it is difficult to advice :)

Undergraduate / MAYAN SOCIETY/ I WAS BORN IN CUBA; STANFORD - Intellectual Vitality/ Roommate [4]


I expected the experience to be tough and shocking.


After arriving in this country, I began to realize the enormous opportunities that were available for me.


Now that you have already come to the US and don't go back :D .LOL ... I mean your previous sentence is about your arriving in the US and don't reverse the flow again.


... you can skip the previous sentence and continue with this one.

Undergraduate / Describe the parts that add up to the sum of you - first generation Indian-American [2]


.... I think this sentence needs a little bit of improvement;
The children of Indian immigrants are called by the popular nickname, ABCDs which stands for American Born Confused Desis. Though it's a joke it speaks of the reality of the identity of such children; they are confused about their real identity. For a long time I too believed that this description was perfectly fitting with myself too.

This is a good response. I enjoyed reading it :)

Writing Feedback / My cousin [3]


My cousin Cherine lives in Europe(better tell which country in Eurpoe). She paid us a visit last summer.


Cherine is a tall girl with a round face and big eyes. She's got beautiful straight hair too. ... I added "beautiful" to spice up your sentence. Hope her hair is beautiful ....LOL


This sentence is too long. Break it into shorter sentences to enhance its effect :)

Undergraduate / I recall living in a shelter with other single mothers and their children; FGCU- family [2]


I grew up watching my mom's endless struggles in raising her four children all by herself.


She only had education up to the secondary level.


We had keep moving from place to place with her and I had to attend a myriad of schools


One childhood memory I could recall very well is the time we lived in a shelter sharing with other single mothers and their children.

Undergraduate / 'Describe the world you come from' UC Essay Prompt 1, Holiday in My Own Theme Park [2]


... wealthy makes exclusive redundant.
I don't come from a wealthy family that can spend money lavishly.


.... "we still treasured money as much as we can"? Do you mean you value money a lot?
However, I could say that we enjoy life more than average, yet value money and spend it carefully in fulfilling our needs. "Holidaying" is one of our needs that my family has no two thoughts about spending for.

Essays / Essay in Hotel Management on boutique hotel's size, ownership type and PESTEL analysis [4]

First, is this writing for you to make a presentation to an audience? This does not look like for report writing!
Even if this is for a presentation, I feel you should follow the guideline provided and tackle its points first comes first serve basis. Let's take the first;


Define what hotels come under boutique hotels category. In this definition about the their size/characteristics/trends.


This is confusing to me. You can google and get lots of information in this respect. First tell us what is it this writing for?

Writing Feedback / Now, the developing countries are not in the same row as that of developed one [7]


Well.... it is hard to understand what you try to mean by this sentence. This is your hook which should take the reader with a punch. So, it needs to be very clear, catchy and relevant to your topic. This sentence certainly needs to be re-phrased to fulfill those requirements of the hook.

This is the structure dumi suggests for the introduction and I believe it is pretty logical and it can help you earn marks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic essay: Some people think that we can use as much fresh water as we want. [5]


The governments can control water consumption by introducing laws that prohibit people misusing water.... Actually your prompt , does not require you to discuss how governments can control water supply. Instead, it asks you to discuss the two sides of the argument that should water be free or should it be controlled by the government. So, in your body paras, you need to discuss these views by giving reasons. Then support those reasons with examples. This sentence takes you on a different direction which your prompt really does not require.


.... This paragraph is in the right track. You give a reason why the water consumption needs to be controlled and then support it with an example. :)

Undergraduate / UW MADISON unnoticed essay- Cross country and social anxiety [4]


Growing up, I always wore the shoes of the Ugly Duckling because I lacked charisma, beauty and social skills that my three older sisters possess.


... this is very interesting... I think this is an excellent response :)
I once was a shy person around unfamiliar people, struggled to overcome withfrom anxiety when I was required to tell the waitress my two-word dinner order at Chili's.


... this idea is said a bit complicatedly - I get the sense of what you are trying to say, but clarity is not that good .... Why not re-phrase this?

Overall, it's a beautiful response. I like it :)

Undergraduate / OPPORTUNIITIES; Course Transfer Essay from Psychology to Business [4]


... well, lifestyle is a way of life or style of living that reflects the attitudes and values of a person or group. However, in a boarding school the students come together not on permanant basis, but for a short period until they finish their college life. I wonder the life-style is most appropriate word in this scenario, because this group does not represent a continuous ongoing way of living. I wish you presented this idea in a different way;

Boarding school was the first time that I got the opportunity to live away from my family and to experience the world with a set of independent thinkers.


... I feel it is the fellowship and not lifestyle.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Which should be the ones to teach children into good citizens? Parents or Schools? [7]


This is your hook. It needs to have two main qualities - Interesting and Relevant. I find this one is not relevant to your prompt. Have a look at the prompt;

You need to discuss whether it is the parents or the school that teach children good morals and make them responsible citizen in society. The above sentence you wrote is not aligned with this idea at all. Always keep your writing with what your prompt suggests. It doesn't matter even spending a little more time in reading and understanding the prompt because it is very important that your writing answers what it expects from you.

Letters / Letter to a friend inviting for a party at home [2]


Well.... this is a pretty slang saying. This is obviously an informal letter so you have lots of flexibility. But, if this is for some writing purpose, they you should not have slang phrases in your writing.


.... this one is fine


I am going to have a party at my place on next Tuesday, 23rd September. I am inviting you too and I am sure you would be there and have great fun with us.


I guess you know that I have moved into a new address, which is 155, Fitz Boy Ave, Birmingham.


It's not very difficult to find. Take M41 Motorway...

Writing Feedback / [ IELTS Task 2] the standard of living in country benefits cities rather than rural areas [8]

Let's take your first sentence;


Why has it sparked a major dispute? Also as JethroJosh points out, your prompt does not talk about any disputes. This your hook and it needs to be strong to grab readers attention. At the same time it should provide a good entrance for you to introduce your topic. So, it needs to be relevant to the topic and therefore you need to have a good alignment too.


... again your prompt does not tell that people argue on this issue. It presents this as a common situation and ask you to write about the problems it can create.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Is money the main motivator for employees ? To what extent you agree with that? [3]


You need to be a bit more descriptive on this idea to make this a more effective hook;
Employers use various methods to motivate their employees in order to enhance their productivity. In many instances, employers choose money as the motivator, but it has today become very controversial whether this action serves its purpose.


This is a confusing sentence.... Do you mean that they have got the promotion for their excellent service? I cannot think of how you are going to relate this idea to your prompt :(

Writing Feedback / "Why people attend college?" To fulfill their dreams! [3]

You better start the paragraph with the reasons you are going to put forward to the reader. Here the reason is that university degree helps one stand out the others in the competition for the jobs. So, you need to tell that first and then talk about what would happen if one does not obtain it. My suggestion is that the following line should be brought forward in the arrangement;


By re-arranging the order of your ideas you can make this paragraph more effective and more aligned with your prompt.

Undergraduate / Cricket Coaching Classes; Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. [2]


I like if you don't reveal this at first instance. Get the reader to follow your story and then discover. That way the reader would be aroused to find out what happened next. :D


.... I feel this is a better start.


Cricket is loved and played by everybody irrespective of any social class and you may find people playing the game every nook and corner be it the streets, parking lots or rooftops.


I too once had been a great fan of this great game.


I used to play cricket not only with my friends, neighbors and family members, but also played just by self in my bedroom tossing the ball against the wall and hitting it with my cricket bat once it bounces.

Undergraduate / I'm writing this letter to appeal my dismissal from the Uni ; college readmission letter [2]


... they dismissed you.
I am writing this letter to appeal for admission to your University.


First, I accept my failure to secure a sufficient GPA had been the reason for subsequent withdrawal from the University.


However, I have taken great efforts to rectify my drawbacks and improve my grades and I am now determined and in the right mindset to achieve these targets.


I like you squeeze this part a little bit to tell them very briefly what happened. In your body paragraphs you can elaborate on this point.

Undergraduate / Personal Identity; U of M- Religious Community & my place within it [4]


Although I generally don't like to define myself in terms of my cultural roots or background, I cannot deny that my religious affiliation has been a large part of who I am.


... punctuation :)
Well.... you no where talks about what your religion is :D I feel there is no harm in telling that and also it is important tell it to give the fullest effect of your writing to the reader. After all, this is a free world and everybody has the liberty to follow their religious beliefs. :)

Writing Feedback / Love and friendship - the best things in life are free. [3]


"each people" is wrong. People means a collection of men/women and therefore it is a plural word. So it should be "each person".

Also, I like if you changed the first part of this sentence. For me. it does not make much sense. You may say;
Everybody needs love to enjoy life. Love is an extraordinary feeling that can heel many wounds be them physical or emotional. It is a very pleasing experience that provides people with great enjoyment.


What do you mean by "free thing"? Also, what's the connection between the first and the second parts of your sentence? If you say that love helps people to do their best, then your example should support that point.

Writing Feedback / Why study?; 'improve understanding, practical knowledge and career planning' [4]


You need to align your writing with the prompt. Who provides students with practical knowledge? The universities? Okkkkkkk... then tell that because you cannot leave the reader wondering :D

Further, it is important for the students to have a thorough practical knowledge in their respective disciplines, for them to be successful in their future careers. The universities are the best places for students to have this requirement fulfilled.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] agree or disagree the purpose of television is to educate, not to entertain [7]


Good introduction :)


.... This sentence is not so clear. Not every program is both educative and entertaining. There are some sopy programs that are good for nothing, but provide entertainment for millions of people. There is nothing that you can count on for education. So, it is not fair to justify that every program provides both entertainment and education.

Writing Feedback / [ IELTS Task 2] the standard of living in country benefits cities rather than rural areas [8]


... the latter part is not necessary because the reader expects you to do that. Dumi's introduction structure is pretty logical to follow and it would certainly helps you earn marks.


.... a very good point.
Firstly, it is clear that when the quality of life of city dwellers is improved, many people in rural areas tend to move to the cities seeking better lives.


As a result, the cities would soon become too crowded with large number of people living in them and this would result in deterioration of many important services such as health, transport, education etc.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] : Governments should spend money on space exploration or for basic needs of people [5]


First, as we all know, the recent global economic recession left many people without jobs in many countries in the world.


... this is understood when you say lots of people lost their jobs. So, you shouldn't repeat the idea again.


.... :D Well... this sounds too general that every poor man would start robbing which, I feel, is not very fair. Let's say that a bit differently;

When people do not have money, that may lead to many social problems such as higher crime rates, suicides, political riots etc.


Poverty would certainly make people unhappy and that would affect negatively on society they live in.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Who should be responsible for cleaning pollution? Private Individuals or Government? [3]


As dumi said, the first part of your prompt is not written properly to convey what it really does expect. However, I assume it suggests that private companies and individuals are responsible for bearing the cost of cleaning the environment. It is the word "pollution" that confuses us :D


.... What you are suggesting is that when companies and individuals are made to pay for cleaning, then they would feel the gravity of polluting the environment and therefore they would keep away from those activities that pollute the environment. This is a good justification, but you have expressed only a part of it. You need to tell the reader the whole story as to how it happens, otherwise the reader may not understand your reasoning.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Best ways of reducing stress: listening to music, exercise, meditation [3]


.... crowds of people in buses and at bus stops both give the same effect to this sentence. Therefore one makes the other redundant.


... "make me stress" is grammatically wrong. It should be ;
These things make stress in me or
These things create lots of stress in me.... I prefer this form.


listen to music


Listening to music not only helps me to avoid things that creates stress in me, but also helps me relax while enjoying it..

Letters / Letter inviting a company to open one of their branches in my country [5]


First, it is not very clear from your topic that you need to write a letter requesting some company to open a new branch in your country. But I guess so. It's always good if you include the full prompt together with your essay so that we all can understand it better. However, if you are to write such letter (the way I assumed) then you first need to introduce yourself. Tell them your name and what you do. If you are a person representing some important organization, that company will give more consideration for your request. Then tell them why you make this request and why are keen about that.

Writing Feedback / Maintaining status quo can cause personal and professional stagnation of a person's development [5]


.... Well, I think this is not a fair statement. Rather, it is unfair to generalize that every human being resists change. Some are even looking forward and the human nature is such that we get quickly bored of repeating the same old thing. So, it is safe to say that some oppose changes and some really look forward.

These initiations are usually accompanied with fear, uncertainties and pain, both on physical and emotional levels. Iphysically and emotionally.

Research Papers / GAY PARENTING; Need help on thesis for my topic [6]


How about this - "Is Gay Parenting ethical or unethical? "
Here you can discuss the issue from different perspectives such as from the point of Gay Parents, Society, and the kids they are adopting. I feel it's quite a good topic in terms of its applicability to today's society. Also, you can find loads of ideas and information from other websites if you google for this topic. Please do that an post it here because I am very much interested to read it. I am sure it'll be very interesting writing :)

Writing Feedback / Young People Are Much More Aware of and Concerned About Issues Like the Environment, Pover [4]

First, you should have provided us the topic of this essay. The one that appears on the top does not reveal much information about what it expects from you. Is this an agree/ disagree essay? Also, are you preparing for IELTS or TOEFL? You need to tell all these information to us, if you intend to get meaningful feedbacks for your post.


This sentence has many grammar issues. Also, it is not clear at all to the reader. Avoid writing such long sentences. Write short sentences and have one separate sentence for each idea. That way you can improve your grammar, clarity and presentation too.

It is difficult to fix the grammar in the above sentence since there are so many. Re-do it and post it!

Undergraduate / My decisions have shaped me; U Colorado; enrich its diverse and inclusive community [3]


Visiting the hospital at the age of four on regular basis, is quite an extraordinary experience for an average child to encounter in life, but this was me.


Of course the idea of eating candy got me pretty excited, so I swallowed that pretty fast. However, it turned out not be a fantastic idea and I ended up in the hospital.

It's not clear where you swallowed that pill... did it happen in the hospital or at home? Your introduction is pretty vague getting the reader with so many questions in his mind. Why don't you re do it again?

Writing Feedback / [toefl task] Is the purpose of television to educate, not to entertain? [5]


Good introduction with all important features in it. I only wish a small change in the last sentence in which you state your position on the argument;

As far as I am concerned, I feel that this device should primarily be aimed at entertainment. ... you are expressing your position and therefore you need to have the ownership of that idea :D


.... Good reason.
You follow an excellent essay structure. I think you've done a good job :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Motorized flight is the greatest invention in the modern world; Agree or Disagree? [3]


.... there are a few ideas cramped up in this sentence. Split them into a few lines, at least two, to enhance their effectiveness. Give more focus to the real reason;

In the first place, motorized flights offer very convenient solutions for long distance travelling. (this is the main reason) Thanks to them, the people who live thousand miles away from each other are now able to travel across to meet each other in order to fulfill their personal and business requirements. This has helped the people to strengthen their relationships and explore the world in a more advanced manner.

Writing Feedback / Recalling an Experience; NARRATIVE ESSAY [3]


it didn't take very long for my other brother also to decide to move into this country. An year later ?????/ (now tell what happened, I mean your other brother moved into the US with you

Also, it is not clear when and with whom you moved into the US.... Did only the brothers move while your parents still living in Cambodia. In some places you mention about your parents, but it is not clear that they took such decisions while staying away. You need to re-do the first paragraph to clear all such doubts of the reader.

Research Papers / Twitter: The Future of News Dissemination - Review of draft [2]


In March 2006, the new social media site, Twitter was launched by letting the world to take another small step in its process of becoming smaller.


Although not everybody has boarded on this online social networking giant, it has shaped the communication between people across the globe in a large way.

and using an SMS based phone application Twitter separatesdistinguishes itself from other social media sites.
Good writing! :)

Writing Feedback / Socialization by parents of their children into gender roles [3]


Boys are raised in view of preparing them to conform to the male gender role while girls to conform to the female gender role.


and families may keep having their young members socialized in that desired gender norms without consciously striving to achieve this.


Parents play a major role in socializing their children into different gender roles. In this task, the parents skillfully manipulate the children by encouraging them to be engaged gender specific activities. According to the studies and writings of Ann Oakely's Sex, Gender and Society in 1972, the society generally perceive the boys to be boisterous and girls to be ladylike.