Graduate / Pharmaceutical Master - Review for Scholarship Essays [3]

Yusuf, were you given a prompt to respond to for the formulation of your response? I wish you had uploaded it to this site along with the essay that you wrote. I am worried that your essay has veered too much off course with regards to its development as a scholarship essay. What you wrote does not indicate how the scholarship can help you or why you believe that this scholarship, if granted to you, will allow you to pursue the best masters degree possible. This sounds more like a motivational letter for a masters admission application than a scholarship essay at the moment.

The essay is also plagued by numerous grammatical and sentence structure errors that should be addressed either in the revision or replaced when you write a different essay in response to the given prompt. You may use either Word 2016 or an online spelling and grammar checker to help you fix the grammatical and written issues of your essay. Unfortunately, I cannot correct all of the errors in your writing because that would be a violation of the forum rules. Specially when I am not sure if you have written a proper response to the prompt for this scholarship or not.

Research Papers / Police and Citizen De-escalation and Implementation Techniques [2]

Ronald, I don't think that you need to address more examples in your research paper. You have more than enough presented to prove your point. What you don't have enough of, is the historical relationship between the police and the suspects. Your paper immediately starts off with information about the present issues that prove the need for de-escalation and implementation techniques. What it lacks is the early history of police brutality that led to these changes. In order for the reader to understand the necessity of these techniques today, you first have to show how the early instances of police brutality were dealt with in early times. Inform the reader as to when these cases were first documented and what the local law enforcement and judicial responses were. I believe, that if you have had any experience with a Stop and Frisk situation or Hands Up, Don't Shoot scenario, then that will also work as an effective and engaging opening anecdote before you present the information in your current opening paragraph. Remember, personal experiences give the research paper a stronger sense of motivation and authority, which is what this paper could use more of because it is too research based.

Try to be fair in your presentation though. Remember, there are also times when the police try to de-escalate a situation to no avail because the other party is already set on creating a violent situation with the police having to react and then get accused of using extreme force when the body and dash cam footage shows the opposite evidence. If you would like to, you could pull back on some examples and instead discuss these sort of failed de-escalation situations and why the techniques failed in these instances.

I am not really in the know when it comes to the motivation you have for this research paper. My suggestions above are solely based on what I think can be presented to help further polish your research and make it more authoritative in approach. Good luck with this paper. It is highly informative and useful in these times.

Undergraduate / Reasons for Carnegie Mellon school pick [2]

Ethan, due to our one essay per thread policy at this forum, I will only be able to advise you on the first essay that you posted. You should either delete the second essay from this thread or post it as a new essay in a new thread. It would be better for you to do that because the admin tends to suspend accounts or delete the posting of users who do not follow the forum rules. With those reminders said, please see my review of your first essay below.

I find that the content of your essay is highly technical. You have focused the essay on explaining the theoretical aspect of your interest and how gaining this knowledge makes you feel that you have forgotten the main purpose of programming. To improve the world that we live in or the technology that we use. What I am trying to say is, your essay lacks "heart". Your academic push is so strong, it leaps off the page, but the motivational factor based on personal or social concerns, makes the essay feel too self centered. Almost as if you are going to be doing all of this simply and purely for financial gain, rather than financial gain with a purpose. These sorts of essays are usually strongest when it showcases the passion for self improvement and objects with a social civic mindedness that will help to improve either a local, national, or international cause. One way you can do this is by looking into the mission and objectives of the SCS and then tweak your essay to respond in a manner that shows how you embody these objectives through your social concerns in relation to your chosen major.

Graduate / My SOP/personal statement/achievements/interests for my postgraduate application [2]

Hiwot, I am not sure what made you think that you wrote a statement of purpose when all you did was combine various aspects of all the other essays that you wrote into this essay. Which created a confusing presentation. In addition to that, you are risking being rejected for your application to this university because, should this university run this essay through a plagiarism checker, they will find that the essay you submitted is a plagiarism of other essays that you submitted to other universities. Yes, some universities do check for plagiarism, specially when it is a foreign student who is applying. That makes this essay dangerous to use. Why don't you try to write a new SOP instead that just falls within the required elements of a SOP? The required elements are:

1. Give a one sentence mention of your college degree to help introduce your previous masters degree. Give a lengthy discussion of your previous masters degree course as it applies to the current masters course you are applying to. Make the connection between your previous masters classes and how this course is a continuation of what you learned previously.

2. Explain how you have applied your previous learning experience in your workplace. To what extent have you successfully used it? Why do you feel that you are now in need of additional advanced knowledge coming from this connected field? Be specific and mention the names of the places where you gained training and internships.

3. What skills do you hope to enhance from your already existing abilities through this course? What additional skills do you hope to learn as well? Be specific.

4. Discuss your master thesis in summary form, connecting it some sort of future use in your profession.

5. Why did you choose this university? What parts of the academic curriculum / internship programs do you think will be most beneficial to you? Be specific.

6. Detail you next 5 year career plan leading up to another academic undertaking as a PhD student.

The reason I am no longer including your college education in this discussion is because you are specifying that this is your second masters degree. Therefore, your previous masters degree will be the new basis of your whole study objectives. Your previous college degree is not as important anymore because it is already the discussion of how you used your previous masters degree to improve your profession and work opportunities. While you do have a personal slant in the essay, none of those personal motivations will be useful if you cannot improve your professional aspect first. The personal slant should be included in a letter of motivation, not an SOP. There is a difference between the two. The current guidelines I provided will help you create a SOP for a person who already has a previous MS degree and is looking to increase his career opportunities further.

Writing Feedback / A lot of advantages for children to gain the bilingual ability as early as possible [2]

Kristy, I don't think that you are familiar with the discussion requirements, per paragraph of the task 2 essay. The opening paragraph is used to score your TA abilities. That is why the first paragraph requires you to present your own understanding of the discussion topic, based on the original presentation, as well as your ability to follow English instructions. That is why you are supposed to paraphrase the first paragraph of the essay. The best way to have done this is something like this:

The education experts are convinced that unfamiliar languages should be taught to youngsters in elementary school. While other schooling authorities think that teaching foreign languages would be more effective when done in high school. I believe that it is disadvantageous to study the unfamiliar languages in primary school for a few reasons.

Remember, the first paragraph is all about proving your English comprehension skills. Which is why it has to be presented in a specific manner with clear requirements. The example I provided above is one of the various ways that you can develop for this sort of presentation.

By the way, the prompt contains the word "or" in the portion about the advantage "or" disadvantage. The presence of that word indicates that you can only discuss one side of the essay topic using 3 separate reasons. Every reason gets its own paragraph. So in the second paragraph where you present a first and second reason, you should have presented only one reason per paragraph. That way, you fully utilize the body of paragraphs in the supporting evidence manner that it was meant to do. Each paragraph needs to be completed in 5 sentences that indicate a topic sentence, one reason, one supporting explanation, one example, then the transition sentence for the next paragraph. That is how you gain the maximum potential for each paragraph that you write.

Another thing, please make sure that you do not continue the discussion of a new reason in your closing paragraph. That is meant to accomplish the following only:

1. Restate the discussion topic
2. Present your opinion in a new manner
3. Summarize the reasons that you discussed in the essay (use 2 sentences if necessary)
4. Deliver a closing sentence.

I won't focus on your language issues as the moment because you were not able to present an accurate discussion based on the prompt requirements anyway. I would like you to first focus on understanding the various methods that the Task 2 essays ask the test takers to discuss the prompts. You can do that by reading the various examples of these essays on this forum. Once you understand what each prompt requires you to discuss and how, then we can focus on improving your English written language skills.

Writing Feedback / IELTS10 - Line graph - CO2 emissions in the UK, Sweden, Italy and Portugal [3]

Luo, where is the line graph illustration? You should have uploaded it with this essay in order for me to be able to review your response in relation to the provided information. I cannot accurately review your topic, based on the scoring criteria, without the drawing. Since I can only give you one free advice, I am really sad that you wasted the opportunity for you to receive a professional review for your work. Please remember to upload the image next time otherwise, you can't expect to get advice that can actually help you improve your work in the Task 1 essay presentation.

The most obvious problem of your essay is the way that your paragraphs are not really paragraphs which are threshed out and developed in presentation and explanation. You only have 2 sentences per paragraph which is one sentence below the minimum 3 sentence requirement (maximum is 5). That indicates that you have created a series of run on sentences within the essay. This constant run- on presentation will result in a failing score in the GRA section, as well as the C&C section because you failed to show your ability to write your sentences in a simple and/or complex variety per paragraph. That is the biggest problem with this essay at this point.

Undergraduate / Showing I'm capable for Johns Hopkins [2]

Sameen, the usual reason that the applicants overshoot the word requirement is because they always try to go for either a dramatic opening, or they try to impress the reviewer by something that they think is a remarkable accomplishment when the truth is, it isn't. There is nothing special about your being admitted to the summer research program. A hundred other students are accepted into the similar program every summer so that paragraph, is really worthless. Also worthless, is the way that you set up the scenario for the group project. Rather than trying to stretch the dramatic effect. Go for the straight forward approach, which the reviewers prefer for all the essay submissions. In your case, you can revise the opening statement to something similar to this model opening statement:

I spent one summer participating in the (name of summer program) at UC - Irvine. This was my chance to participate in actual lab work and develop a scientific research paper in a formal setting. Since we were divided into teams, the work should have been a snap. On the contrary, it became a lesson in humility and the importance of team work for me. The lesson that I learned from this experience that an effective leader, always checks his ego at the door for the benefit of the team...

On the first day...

If you want to create a dramatic opening, make sure that you do it in a manner that will immediately introduce required, important, or interesting information to the reviewer so that he might be hooked into reading your essay further. In this instance, I spoke of lessons learned early on and important aspects of leadership that I took note of during the experience. That way, when I describe what transpired, the reviewer will remember to connect it with my opening statement. Thus creating a memorable presentation and effective presentation. You may use the model opening statement above to create your own variation of it. Please do not use my model response as is because if your paper is checked for plagiarism, it might get flagged as not being your original thought since the check may come back to this thread on this forum and the reviewer will see that someone else wrote it for you.

Writing Feedback / The countries with coffee harvesting and coffee consumption [4]

ThaoNhi, your essay needs to produce a 4 paragraph essay in order to be considered fro a qualifying score. With only 3 paragraphs indicated, this shows that there are portions of the essay information that you neglected to cover in your report. That is why, even though you wrote 179 words, there will be a question as to whether or not this essay will be able to gain a proper, passing score in an actual setting.

For starters, the essay presents a summary overview but it is an incomplete overview because of certain important, but omitted information in the paragraph. You failed to mention that the information was collated from various around the world, collated into 3 regions. Each region had it share of comparison notes and that these comparison notes were never the same for any region and therefore, will not be compared for similarities as the prompt requests. The inclusion of this minute information would have created a stronger and higher TA score for this sort of essay. It would have also, helped you create the required 4 paragraph discussion.

Next, Since there are 3 pie charts presented, and you required a 4 paragraph essay, then each pie chart information, per region, should have been presented as a separate paragraph. After all, the individualized presentations will have helped to make it clear that there are no comparison points for any of the same criteria per country due to the clearly varying percentages presented for the 3 report topics.

Finally, your final paragraph is just one long run on sentence. Remember, you are scored on your ability to create complete paragraphs until the end of the essay. That means, you should not suddenly feel a need to just get it over with in terms of data presentation so you just write 2 extremely long sentences when the correct presentation would have been to break it up into 3 up to 5 sentences in order to assist you in the creation of simple and complex sentence presentations in the essay.

Scholarship / If you aren't awarded this scholarship, what are your plans for the next 4 years? Scholarship essay [3]

Nope. this is a very weak response to the prompt. The only line that you can use from this is as follows: I am applying to some other lower cost universities with some form of financial aid as a backup plan. That is the opening statement for your revised response. From here, you can indicate a character of resiliency, hope, determination, an "I can do it" attitude, all of which can help to create your 4 year plan. For example, you can say that since you will be going to school using financial aid, you will have to look into and procure yourself a part time job in order to help augment your income and offset some of the non-aid covered fees that you will be incurring. If you know that you can be hired as a part timer based upon your currently existing skills, then indicate that this is the field where you will find a part time job so that you can combine your studies, skills, and a chance to spin it off into a financial opportunity over the next 4 years. This should make it easier for you to also gain regular employment, possibly at the same company where you worked as a part timer upon your graduation. That is the kind of mindset that these reviewers are looking for in their scholarship applicants.

Undergraduate / "Run!" "Get up!" Mandatory practices with my dad. Apply Texas Essay B [3]

Adam, I would not use the current opening presentation that you have because it has an opposite effect on your essay. If you are trying to build up the idea that you love the game and that this is your lifelong passion, you should not be tearing into your dad in such a negative manner since he introduced you to the game and the rudiments of playing it. I know from your previous essays that you have some issues with your father. You have presented these issues a few times in a significant manner in your essays. Don't keep dwelling on it. The reviewers do not take kindly to constantly repeated information. Most especially when it is about personal, family issues. That is not the point of the essay and should be kept at bay when not important to the presentation. You can simply indicate that you started playing the game when you were 4 and your father was your first coach, your first cheerleader, and your inspiration to play, or, enjoy the game.

Quit bad mouthing the man in your essays. It appears that you do not respect your father and do not appreciate what he was doing for you just because he was tough on you and he was trying to instill character and discipline into you and your brother. Something he did in a manner that you did not appreciate. The reviewer will not appreciate your potential as a student either because of those reasons. If you can constantly refer to your father in a bad light, what will you do if a professor gets tough on you in class? No, I do not think that introduction will be the kind that will impress the reviewer. It might make him think twice about your application though. Aside from that part of your essay being negative, the rest accurately represents your character.

You also need to pull back on the reference to your chosen major and how you made that decision because that deviates from the background story about basketball. The story about how you developed an inclination for physical therapy should be introduced in your personal statement or open topic essay instead. In this essay you need to pick from one of two discussions instead, either you discuss the relationship with your father or, you discuss your recovery from the injury without referring to it as the reason that you chose this major. Rather, you may present it as the event that showed you how strong your determination to get back on the court was. I assume that you did continue playing after 8 months right? If your game was better than ever, then close the essay on that presentation instead.

Writing Feedback / Money has become an essential part of everyday life; job satisfaction vs salary? [3]

Phạm, the minute that you changed the discussion format for this essay, you already assured yourself of a failing score. When you proved that you could not appropriately address the prompt requirements as outlined in the Task Accuracy section, the examiner already made up his mind to fail you in this essay. Why did he decide on that? The reason is simple, you were asked to agree or disagree with the statement instead, you opted to examine both sides and offer a personal opinion. 2 sets of instructions that is not included in the original prompt. Let me show you exactly how you made this mistake:

Original Discussion Instruction: Do you agree or disagree?
Your Discussion Instruction: This essay will examine both sides of the argument and provide an overall opinion.

See the difference? The original requirement was a single sided opinion discussion. Your version, creates a comparative analysis essay with a personal opinion to boot. This is definitely not what the original instruction is about. Hence, the automatic failing score.

Regardless of how you discussed the rest of the essay, which by the way, is short of the 5 paragraph requirement and also does not follow the maximum 5 sentence requirement per paragraph (even more reason to fail the essay in terms of C&C and GRA considerations), it does not erase the fact that you showed a lack of understanding of the English language when it comes to following instructions. That is why this essay is not going to get you a passing score in terms of any major scoring considerations.

Undergraduate / UBC Application - surrounded by unfamiliar things [2]

BG, this is a pretty straightforward response to the prompt that was provided. It delivers on all the required elements and allowed you to express yourself regarding the situation you faced. The problem with this essay is not the story that you are telling but rather the presentation of the story. The grammar needs work and the sentence development is faulty. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to revise the complete essay for you as part of the free advice. What I can recommend to you is that you use either an online grammar checker to help you correct the grammar mistakes and sentence presentations or, you can look up our available services using our Services link so that you can make inquiries regarding professional editing services. Again, there is no need to change the story, it is the presentation that needs to be cleaned up. I can show you an example of how to fix your presentation in the first sentence. That should help you get started in a proper grammar and sentence revision on your end.

When I went to Japan with my uncle, I was surrounded by strange people who spoke a language that was alien to me. You can imagine my stress at being surrounded by unfamiliar places, not knowing the language, and not knowing how to get about town on my own. That is why when I lost physical and visual contact with my uncle, I could not help but panic...

Graduate / Statment of purpose for masters in public health - every person well being [3]

avk, the flow of your essay needs to be improved because right now, it is long but rambling. You need to write definite paragraphs with definite information that have a strong presentation so that the reviewer will be engaged in reading an informative SOP. You should start your presentation not from college but from the first masters degree that you studied and your work experience after completing that degree. Your secondary work experience, in relation to your previous masters degree should be able to show a motivational point that pushed you towards the completion of a secondary masters degree. I see that you have experience in both the public and private work sectors. The additional strength of your motivation should be based upon the common problems that you perceived in both situations instead of separate problem situations because at a certain point, the problems of both health sectors merge and / or intertwine. Therefore, the combination presentation will be stronger in effect than individual discussions that don't really point out a significant problem that you wish to address, individually. The essay doesn't really explain how you plan to use this information in relation to your future career plans. You may want to consider that as a part of the reasoning you presented for your desire to complete the masters degree. It proves that you have a plan of action that will benefit from your studies in this field.

Undergraduate / What is important to you? Happiness [4]

Robinson, you may want to rethink the first part of this essay. The relevance of your father as the reason why you consider happiness important is not clear in this essay. There seems to be a disconnection between the importance of happiness and the importance of your father. It is either a father is what is important to you or, it is happiness that is important to you. I don't really get a clear connection between the two right now. Neither do I see the relevance of the opening sentence / quote that you used. "Be the person you needed when you were younger" does not relate to the prompt question that is "What is important to you?" I don't see how this quote helps to illustrate any part of your statement, in a connected manner to the prompt. Perhaps you should say that "Since I grew up without a father, I missed out on having fun times and creating happy memories with him. That is why I consider happiness derived from time spent with my father important." Then build the rest of your response around that statement. It is more attuned to the prompt question that you need to respond to.

Scholarship / A personal life experience with the lessons and experience you gained from it; scholarship essay [3]

Saif, in order to ensure that the reviewer will not be too bored by reading your essay, you need to cut short the opening presentation. Don't spend so much time on the set up that the actual start of the story does not come until paragraph 3. Your first 2 paragraphs are just about you showing off the background of your family, which doesn't really matter because the whole point of the story is that your father lost his job, your family was in a financial crisis, you failed to pay your school dues because of this, you weren't sure if you could take the test because you had unpaid fees. The ending is that you were able to take the test, the results of the test were positive for you, and you learned several lessons from the worrisome experience. Now, remember, the reviewer will only give you 2 sentences or one paragraph to establish that this essay has a point. If you waste 2 paragraphs just talking about your previous wealth and educational status, you will probably lose the interest of the reviewer and he will not finish reading this essay. Just because the word maximum is 800 doesn't mean that you have to write 800 words. 400-600 will be alright. Most reviewers appreciate short but informative presentations so going with a 400 personal maximum will be excellent and assure you that the reviewer will read the whole essay. The problem of the essay is not so much the content but the length. Focus on streamlining your essay content so that it will be easier and more informative to read.

Research Papers / A Comparison of Cinderella Complex between Zhang Ailing and Jane Austen [2]

唐雅楠, your abstract is not correctly developed. The abstract of a research paper is supposed to be composed of no more than 300 words summarizing the important points of the research paper. It is not to be used as a definition of terms of explanation of what research type you are using for this particular research paper. The definition that you wrote does not indicate the thesis statement of your research nor how the research was conducted and what the results of the research are. Rather, it explains the type of research you are using and why. Which renders it a useless part of the research paper. You need to revise the abstract content to properly summarize the salient points of your research and conclusion. The information should include the research style, without a definition because the professor will already be familiar with the style you are writing in. Focus on the Cinderella Complex aspect of your research paper in the abstract because that, is what the summary is all about.

Scholarship / Describe your academic goals and how they are appropriate to your long range goals Scholarship essay [5]

Saif, you are over complicating your response to the statement when you can answer this question in a few simple sentences without going overboard each time. based upon the 2 versions you have posted here, please allow me to offer my take on what should be your appropriate response.

As an enthusiastic computer programmer, I am looking forward to honing my software acumen as a student of Computer Engineering at your university. Since Artificial Intelligence knowledge, coupled with a mastery of the logic behind robotics will help me establish my own cutting edge and trailblazing computer engineering business, I do not doubt that taking the IGCSE, A-Level Computer Science, Maths, and other engineering related courses will help me create a solid academic foundation for my long term goal of becoming a financially stable person.

Please use the model above to formulate your own original response to the prompt. Just base your response on the vital, relevant, and applicable information that I indicated in the shorter response that I suggested as a model for you. Find something unique about the program you are enrolling in and try to include that information in the new short statement response that you will be developing.

Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore? Swarthmore's commitment to collaboration and community service is amazing [4]

Jane, do not repeat information in your essay that reviewer obviously knows about such as the tri-school consortium. That is a waste of space that could be used to truly explain why you opted for this school. Concrete examples of repeated information will harm instead of help your application. Telling the reviewer what you learned at summer camp, without really connecting it to the prompt immediately is also ineffective. This part is just a problem of presentation.

Rather than discussing the summer camp first, you should first indicate that you were drawn to the program of the university that promotes open discussion and debate because you enjoyed that experience at the summer camp you attended that encouraged the same type of open class discussion. Regarding the civic mindedness of the Swarthies, open with SWAT Tank first then explain its connection to your advocacy. This essay needs you to first show that you are familiar with the university beyond what you read on the page. So first talk about the why and then make the connection with the personal reason. For example:

I look forward to joining SWAT Tank because I wish to continue my STEM advocacy for women in the field of... I carry a sense of responsibility to promote this cause because in my home country ... By participating in this organization, I hope to go back home after graduation and help other women ...

The above is an example of a more appropriate per paragraph presentation for this statement. Focus on the university abilities first then the personal reasons second. The connection needs to be seamless and easily understandable to the reviewer. Like I said, your essay suffers more from a presentation rather than content problem.

Undergraduate / What I learned working as a waitress [3]

Angel, in order to clearly depict the growth that you experienced in dealing with confrontational customers, you should first, explain how you dealt with your first confrontation beyond simply hiding in the kitchen. Explain how the confrontation ended, who came to deal with the irate client, how it was resolved, and what you learned from that incident. When you explain how the novice waitress in your reacted and learned, then the method by which you handled your first screaming phone caller would have a more profound effect on the reviewer. Perhaps, during this particular phone call, you thought back to your first confrontational event and delved into what you learned from there to apply it now. Surely this was not something that just magically happened at that moment. There was a series of learning events and critical moments when you slowly showed a slow sense of maturity coming to light, with the phone call and its resolution, the ultimate triumph of maturity on your part. This is a wonderful essay that highlights the travails and tribulations of a waitress. Please consider giving it more meat / weight by showing the way that you learned the penultimate lesson based on the smaller lessons that led up to it. That way, the essay will really show the lesson(s) that you learned as a waiterss.

Scholarship / Personal Statement for Erasmus : Global Markets, Local Creativities Programme [4]

Saad, you should further develop the paragraph that indicates:

I have organized and led two separate consultations ...contribute to the UN - Sustainable Development Goals 2030.

This is a pivotal part of your participation in a relevant program that the reviewer can consider. Since you currently have 1179 words, you don't have enough word allowance to truly develop that part. My advice to you is to remove the second paragraph since that statement about global integration does not have a direct bearing on your qualifications, participation, or motivation. If you remove that part, your word count goes down to 1102 words. Thus allowing you to highlight such an important project that you participated in.

The words of other people are not necessary to create an impact in this essay. The sole focus should be on your highlightable accomplishments, personal explanations and motivation, and your abilities that would be of interest to the reviewer. You have a strong essay here that was weakened by the inclusion of that second paragraph. Removing it and then replacing it with more relevant content will result in a smoother and focused flow of discussion. The second paragraph that refers to someone else's thoughts really creates a break in the focus of the reviewer because it deviates from your personalized discussion.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement: prospective Asian Studies major [2]

Cindy would you by any chance have the full prompt for your personal statement? I'd love to read about it if you can post it and I will also try to come back and give more concrete advice regarding your current essay. I really need the topic for discussion in this essay because it doesn't represent itself as a normal personal statement. A regular personal statement shows the development of your interest in Asian Studies. While you do mention this at the end of the essay, I am not sure if the earlier part falls within the expected discussion requirements of the personal statement prompt. The essay clearly shows how you have managed to successfully tread both worlds but it doesn't explain why you have an interest in Asian studies. Simply saying "Because i like it" doesn't really cut it in an application essay. You have to be specific in your response. Something that I can help you develop if you can tell me what the actual question you are being asked to respond to is. This essay doesn't seem to effectively explain the development of of your interest because it is too focused on how you tried to fit in rather than how you became a unique person because of the merged cultures that explain your interest in Asian Studies.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Open-mindedness and Christianity [4]

Wenbo, I think that you can have a more relevant and informative essay if you first explain why you were raised an atheist by your parents so that the comparison can be made regarding your original mindset and your new religious based mindset. You have presented an excellent discussion about how you slowly evolved into a religious epiphany for you. Explain why this change happened in a manner that shows that you didn't just do this because you were in a religious school. Your explanation of your realization is not as enlightening nor informative as it might seem to you. The way I read it, you found some commonalities between you and your religious classmates, bit this did not necessitate you embracing religion. So you need to build that portion up some more with additional information or experiences. We need to feel that you really have a religious awakening unfolding alongside a logical realization in the essay so that the effect and learning experience can have more value in relation to your choice to become an active Christian practitioner.

Graduate / The choice that I made to become successful: Personal Statement [2]

Hiwot, let me see if I can better direct this essay for you in order to be more prompt specific. You need to be short but informative at all times, even if the university did not set a word limit on the essay because the reviewer does not have the time to read long essays that are more explanatory than informative in nature. Let me get started below:

include your interest and experience in this subject area
- I took wireless and telecommunication courses during my undergraduate study. I followed my undergraduate studies with masters study on communication systems engineering at XXX university last XXXX (mention if you graduated with honors or recognition). My thesis was entitled "Title here" related to the application of wireless communication system in the field of XXX. my thesis work on RF spectrum efficiency ... telecommunication areas.. my internship time at a broadcasting media was crucial (name the company, the length of your internship, what your responsibilities were and what you learned specifically from the experience).

your reasons for choosing this particular course
- explore more of wireless and mobile communication...areas of the field.

your future aim or career plan
- short term: continue being a lecturer ...life of the society.
- long term: have a plan to work on a project that uses wireless communication ... health monitoring system.
- Try to expand this explanation with more information about how you plan to achieve these short and long term plans.

how the course of study connects to your future plans
- Being a student in this university would provide me an opportunity to be part of one of the research groups that the university organized on the area of my interests that is the signal processing and communication group to work on a research with a partner organizations of the university. This will boost my knowledge and skills not only to become successful on my future research and project plans but also it would give me a chance to have my own little contribution too.

- This is a good paragraph but, it doesn't really indicate how it will connect to the future plans that you have. I suggest picking one current research from the university that you can relate to your plans and then discuss that. Present a simple thesis statement that will either help their current research improve through your participation or how you plan to develop your own project in coordination with this ongoing research.

The outline I provided above are guidelines for your improvement in the essay. You need to make sure to develop the essay in this manner so that you avoid using irrelevant word fillers that the reviewer will not find informative nor introduce more of your abilities and notable characteristics in relation to your chosen course.

Undergraduate / Essay for Princeton University, Engineering college [6]

Gabriella, the prompt is asking you to represent how the programs at Princeton will help you achieve your goals. You forgot to do that in this essay. You focused too much on describing your passion, how it developed, and where you want to take it. While I applaud this heartfelt presentation, the fact that you forgot to show a familiarity with the Princeton curriculum for your course, the training and internship programs that might help you realize your ultimate dream, and how you plan to utilize these offerings from the university in pursuing your passion. Don't just be imply it, be specific in areas where you can be specific. The same goes for your non-academic training in the field. Tell the reviewer how you have practiced the lessons you have learned so far so that he will know the extent of your exposure and / or experience in engineering. It would help if you can relate these in terms of a successful undertaking. One that won you recognition or honors would suit that response well. If you have experience that is similar to that, then please share it with the reviewer. Needless to say, you will need to revise the content of your essay. Lessen the focus on your passion a bit so that you can have freed up word count to address the area you neglected to respond to and expand upon your early experiences in the field.

Undergraduate / A story about my experience with the Meisner Technique/NYU Film Essay [4]

Amber, the story is confusing because you took too long to get to the point of your story. More importantly, there is no catalyst to the events that transpired. What exactly was it that you and your partner suddenly ended up being first in line to perform in class? The argument doesn't make any sense because all you did was set the scene, but you did not set the backdrop of the story. You have the why it happened but not the reason for the why.

Since you are obviously practicing the Miesner Technique, then you should introduce that in the story before you start the acting scene from the class. Make it clear to the reader otherwise, it seems like you both flew off the handle for no reason. Basically this is a story that has a middle and an end but you do not have a beginning. Just like any story being told, you need to develop the story at a faster pace, so it might be better to start off the story with your walk from the subway going to the school already rather than at the station waiting for the train to arrive.

By the way, I know you were trying to be realistic in the dialogue but, just as a show of respect for the reviewer, keep the language G rated. I know you were going for the shock factor, but this is one instance where you might do better avoiding that for now.

I don't really think that this presentation shows how that event changed you. There is nothing to indicate that you learned a lesson or came to an understanding of yourself through the practice you had in class. I believe that you should pick another story, one that ends with a clear sense or shows a development of an understanding of how the event changed you or why you consider this event a pivotal, life changing event in your life.

Oh, I still think you have too long an introduction in the essay so change the scene to a place where the story can immediately or shortly take place.

Graduate / Explain why I want to pursue a MS degree in Computational Finance - 1st half of personal statement [3]

michelle, believe it or not, there is a direct connection between your being a data analyst and your interest in Computational Finance. The most common denominator being that a person with a background in data analysis will find it extremely easy to understand the data created for finance. Both of these fields deal with generated data that is analyzed for the benefit of investors. So in the first paragraph that you posted, you should actually start the discussion with "In my 6 years..." because that is the portion that actually shows the similarities between data analysis and computational finance. Yes, computational finance is math based, but the information needs to be analyzed first and that the strength of your application. You are a well trained and equipped data analyst so it has to sound important and connected in the discussion. Since this is a formal essay avoid using casual English terms like "lots". You can use alternate terms such as several or numerous.

Scholarship / Commonwealth Scholarship: Future Career Plan - Advancing the Nigerian Construction Industry [2]

Ibrahim, you focused so much on the post graduate plans and opportunities that you plan on achieving that you totally forgot to discuss the skills that you hope to gain from this award. Being a person engaged in the Nigerian construction industry, what differences do you see between the builder qualifications in Nigeria and the UK? Since such differences exist, what kind of skills do you hope to focus on in order to develop your abilities in these skills while in the UK in order to use it upon your return to the UK? While you did indicate a plan to join various professional organizations upon your return to Nigeria, you don't explain what skills, based upon your UK education at the university of your choice, you will be contributing in order to bring the construction abilities of Nigeria into the 21st century based on British standards. Revise the essay to cover the missing elements from the prompt then reduce the discussion of your post graduate plans to represent only a 5 year plan maximum. Your short term plan should represent a period of 6 months to 1 year, no more than that.

Scholarship / SELF-INTRODUCTORY ESSAY FOR UNIVERSITY ADMISSION [3]

NILUFAR, there are no real qualities being presented in your essay aside from your bragging about certain personal aspects of your life. An appropriate self introduction exposes the reviewer to your personal life, your relevant educational background or training, and reasons why you feel that this course / line of study is the perfect program for you. Maybe I should walk you through the required elements of a personal introduction so you can get a better idea of how you should revise this essay.

The first paragraph is always the introduction to your family background. By family background, I mean only your immediate family. That means, you don't need to present any extended family members. You can explain that your mother is a single parent who raised the family on her own. You should explain how that situation came about though. That means, tell the reviewer where your father is at this point in time. The influence of your parents upon you is of the utmost importance in this background discussion because it helps the reviewer get an idea as to how you developed your personality.

You should then transition that paragraph into the second paragraph which will then discuss how the influences in your life, from your family to your education has helped you understand your place in this world. Be humble and optimistic. Don't brag about being an urbanized, rich girl. Instead, explain that you realize how different the lives of others could be from yours which is why you strive to help them whenever you can. From here. transition to your academic story.

The third paragraph about the academic story needs to only present the highlights of this part of your life, such as winning the olympiad. The development of your interest in this particular field may also be summarized or implied in this area as this is part of your self-introduction process. Finally, you can smoothly go into an introduction of how you came to hear about this university.

Use the final paragraph to explain what similarities you have with the core goals of the class you have chosen and how it applies to your professional and personal development. Explain in simple terms how this particular education will make a difference in your life and how you hope to use this knowledge in the future.

Once you present these elements, you can bet that you will have created an informative and appropriate self introduction essay.

Undergraduate / Women empowerment what why and how [3]

Maryam, all you provided in this essay was an extensive background in relation to this interest. However, not all of the information you provided makes you seem competitive because it is too full of self pity and pity for other women in your country. You do not really represent any actual social or civic work that indicates how you started to help change the situation for women in your country. In order to balance your essay, you need to shorten the background so that you can free up the words for the remaining essay prompts that you need to respond to in a clear manner. These prompts are:

What will you contribute to the group? How do you expect this experience will affect your future academic and professional career? How will it affect you personally? What would you most like to share with Americans about Egypt and your culture?

If you want to have a more connected and relevant response to these essays you can combine your responses to one or two of them so that you will create a stronger and more effective paragraph. If I were you, I would create a connected response between the following prompts:

1. What will you contribute to the group? + What would you most like to share with Americans about Egypt and your culture?
2. How do you expect this experience will affect your future academic and professional career? + How will it affect you personally?

Presenting these combined paragraph response though will require you to revise the essay in terms of content. Pull back on the background story, limit that to one paragraph. Then create extended paragraph statements for the combined prompt responses. That way, you don't have to keep trying to represent each question in one paragraph. Why will this happen? Think about it, when you tell the reviewer what you can contribute to the group, you can easily insert information about how your contribution can help Americans understand more about Egypt and its culture. The same goes for the second set of combined responses. Your future academic and personal careers will have a direct effect on you personally, because of the developments it can create in your life. This is one instance were the response is more a "connect the dots" kind of thing instead of an individualized analysis of the prompt.

Undergraduate / Why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s)? [2]

Min, This essay is good. It represents the prompt requirements on a personal level. However, it is not proper for you to present your minor first then your major second. Since you are majoring in Civil and Environmental Engineering first, environmental engineering and sustainability second, you should be presenting your discussion in the same manner. The tree planting relates to the second major / your minor so that is something that should be presented in the second half of the essay. You need to represent the development of your interest in Civil and Environmental Engineering in the first half of the essay because that is the major you have chosen. Try to relate a relevant anecdote for this portion in the same manner that you did for your minor. Additionally, remove the reference to the "Oreo Cookie" incident as it creates a redundancy in the presentation of that information. Always focus on your personal discussion and avoid using second hand information as a reference in the essay because that creates a disconnection in the presentation and the focus of the reader. Due to its sudden appearance in the essay, without a connecting before and after paragraph or sentence, you can bet that the reader will get confused by the sudden change in discussion focus. That is why you need to clean up that part. You need to keep the reader focused and on track with your personal discussion.

Undergraduate / America - my dream can be reachable. UGRAD ESSAY, why would you be a great participant [3]

ibesti, my opinion is that your first two paragraphs are an unnecessary presentation in this essay. it takes away from the focus of your abilities as a participant in the program. The academic background is something that will be represented in the documents you will be submitting to the program as part of the detailed considerations of your application. The strongest presentation of your essay starts in the third paragraph. I want you to concentrate, in particular on your socio-civic / community activities because these are activities that you could continue to promote or participate in as a UGrad scholar in the U.S. The scholarship is looking for participants who can make a difference during their semester abroad. As I read your essay, I was attracted by your participation as a volunteer teacher in your community. This, of all the information you presented, is what fully embodies the reasons why you would be an excellent UGrad participant. You can lose all the other aspects of your essay such as the first 2 paragraphs and the reference to the English club. If you also expand on your participation in the ILO within your university, you will be able to deliver the 2 most notable aspects of your application. These, in my opinion are the most highlightable reasons as to why you will make an excellent participant in the program.

Undergraduate / Why I want to study In ** College? (Scholarship) - there are four reasons [3]

Rachel, when you discuss the 4 reasons that you wish to study at XXX College, you should base this on the reasons why you believe that you are a student who will thrive and grow in the college on both an academic and social level. You don't need to count it off, you don't need to make it sound like a research paper. You need to talk from the heart the reasons you have. Think about how your learning needs will be served by the university, without any sense of doubt or indication that you are feeling threatened by the academic rigors of the curriculum. Rather than constantly describing the university, describe your academic intentions and how the university fits into the picture. Presenting a merged idea, describing how your academic interests and future goals will be best represented by the university curriculum will show that you are confident when it comes your ability to complete the course and, quite possibly, that the university can help you achieve your career goals sooner rather than later due to its expedited curriculum. Remember, you are not just selling the university to the scholarship committee. You are selling them on the idea that you will be capable of achieving something notable, based on your career goals, aspirations, and objectives based upon the support that the university can give you. So for each personal reason, present one academic program or supporting internship or skills development program that the university can provide. That way, the reasons for your desire to attend this university become less technical and more personal, which gives it more weight.

Scholarship / Everyone's approach to leadership is different. Global UGrad Leadership Essay [2]

Arie, this essay comes across more as a hypothetical scenario rather than an interview wherein you discuss how you embody your ideal of a leader and how it defines who you are as a person. Perhaps this is because of your lack of actual leadership skills which, although you narrate in the early part of the essay, indicates that you performed mostly assistant leadership roles where you enact orders from others within the team. While it is a leadership form, it is not true leadership where you are tasked with the final decision making and command responsibility for your team decisions and results. You imply an actual leadership role as the head of the public relation division, but you do not extend that information beyond a mere mention of the position and organization.

I am not very confident in the content of your essay at this point because it does not elucidate your leadership style and form in any way. I believe that you need to focus your essay on a longer explanation of how your leadership role in the division allowed you develop a leadership style then explain it. I am almost certain that you are not familiar with the leadership style names so it would be in your best interest to familiarize yourself with the various leadership styles, identify which one you used as the head of the division, then build your new essay based upon that definition. This will also help you to figure out a special type of leadership value that you can highlight as the most important part of leadership , in your opinion, based upon this style.

By the way, it is not necessary to explain that you did not learn about leadership in school. The first few sentences of this essay indicate a negative perception of you as a person and an inability to be an effective leader. You could omit the academic part and simply say that your leadership experience stems from your experience as the head of the division. Then indicate an important or highlight event of that leadership to help define your leadership style. Keep the essay looking positive at all times. Sound confident all the time, even when you are filled with uncertainty and self-doubt.

Research Papers / Obesity is one of the greatest uprising in America in the last 25 years - obesity in the USA essay [2]

Erik, it seems to me that you were on a roll when you were writing this draft. You were so engrossed by the information that you had researched that you just wanted to get everything on the document. This is what caused the main problem of your essay. Every paragraph is composed of a run on sentence that does not help to inform the reader because we lose our place and the flow of thought you are trying to present as a progression is made in the reading of your overly long paragraphs. This prevents the essay from becoming effectively informative. You must review your essay and try to shorten the paragraphs or, use shorter sentences to represent the ideas you are trying to present. By shortening the sentences, the reader will be able to pause, consider what you have written, and if necessary commit what you wrote to memory for future use. Your essay currently has the format of a rushed presentation so you need to slow down the pace by controlling the way you present information in the sentences and paragraphs.

Having pointed out the biggest problem of this essay, I would like to call your attention to another serious problem. That of the missing thesis statement. As I read the first paragraph, I felt like I was reading the essay from the middle instead of the beginning because you did not really develop a thesis statement for the opening paragraph. What is the question that this essay is trying to answer? What responses should the reader expect? Please remember that you are not supposed to use references in the first paragraph. That is just the introduction so you just need to develop the thesis statement there and the discussion plus conclusion in the succeeding paragraphs.

You have some pretty good information to present in this essay. The problem, is that you are not presenting it in an academic manner. The way to solve this is by looking at other examples of similarly themed essays. Our files related to similar topics at this forum should be able to help you remedy that problem.

Undergraduate / What was the environment in which you were raised? APPLY TEXAS ESSAY A [3]

Adam, the common app essays have a standard 650 maximum word requirement, unless otherwise specified. I don't advice you to try and submit 850 words in the electronic form because your essay will not go through. In these instances, you should aim to write 500 words instead. That gives you enough words to fully express yourself, without boring the reviewer with an extremely long narrative or a confusing essay that goes all over the place. In this case, writing 850 words made your essay jump about, creating a severe case of TMI for the reviewer. You have to cut it down because, aside from the system not accepting your essay, the reviewer will not have the time to read an extremely long tale. In my observation, I believe you can remove the discussion about basketball with your father and focus instead on how you felt mistreated by him. Then discuss your relationship with your mother. Omit the part about them fighting and sitting you down to explain to you because that is really going overboard in the information section. Remember, the discussion is not about the way your parents worked through the rough patches of their marriage, the essay is about how good or how bad parents they were to you individually or as a team. Keep the essay short but informative. Otherwise, this essay will pose a number of problems related to content and word count that you won't be able to overcome at the last minute.

Writing Feedback / A letter from a friend IELTS writing task 1 General - where to go for holidays? [3]

Peter, I believe that you won't learn how to write this type of letter properly unless you are shown an example of how to write it. So let me do that for you now. This can be your sample for all similarly themed letter.

Dear Sarah,

I am thrilled that you asked for my advice regarding your possible vacation destination. While I am not a travel blogger, I think I can help you out here. Have you heard of Ha Long, in Vietnam? I visited this place several months ago and truly enjoyed my stay in the area. It is a nature and food lovers paradise that you should not miss. Even if you have not been to the place before, you won't find it difficult to access the place.

The taxi drivers from the airport are highly familiar with the place. If you really want to rough it, you can ask them for a hotel referral. When I went there though, I stayed at the local Hai Long Inn where I also sampled some of the best local delicacies. If you decide to eat at the hotel, I recommend that you order the Hai Long Special. It's a seafood noodle dish that looks like the Chinese Chow Mein but tastes a hundred times better.

After you eat, you can hit the shopping areas as the local night market, book a nature hiking tour that includes a swim at a local waterfall where you can also dine within the waterfall waters when the hunger pangs strike. If in doubt or at a loss, don't forget that the hotel clerk and the taxi drivers can be very helpful in creating your memorable vacation. If you have the time after your trip there, I hope you can come visit me for an extended vacation. I'll be your host for as long as you want.

Let me know how things go.

Talk later,
Peter

Undergraduate / I inspire members to do more, learn more, dream more, also become more, in this, I am a leader. [3]

Phong, Do not repeat the quote in the essay and do not mention the quote or imply the quote again at the end. You are wasting time and the attention of the reviewer. I know you are using these as word fillers but that works against you in the process because you are merely repeating information that is not required in the essay. You have also focused so much on describing the various aspects of your leadership style that you neglected to explain what the values of a true leader are. You got 2 out of 3 prompts represented in the essay, which is not bad. You will need to cut out the story about the girl and facebook so that you can free up some words to use in discussing the values you consider important when leading others. You will also need to use a formal term to describe your leadership style. You can easily do a search online for the various types of leadership, assess your style based on the explanations, and then use the term in the essay part where you identify your leadership style. Other than these problems with your essay, I believe this is an accurate response to the prompt and the revision should make it a usable version already.

Undergraduate / A sister's lesson - Common App Essay [3]

Jade, you turned the essay into the story of Malia with you as an observer and narrator. You have a total disconnection with the prompt requirements. The period of personal growth is not depicted by an event, accomplishment, or appropriate realization. That is not to say that you have to write a different essay. You merely have to refocus this essay to go from an 80% presentation of your sister's life story to a story of personal growth on your part. For every difficulty that Malia had in her physical and mental development, explain how it affected you and how you had to adjust or learn how to deal with her problem in order to help her develop a sense of normalcy. Through the process / over time, explain how these experiences created a new sense of self for you or helped you realize that a person with autism is not to be judged because, with proper help, they can become almost normal in their activities and abilities as well. That type of presentation aligns with the personal growth and understanding of others requirement of the prompt. Although the essay says "or", in your case, you can perfectly respond to both within this presentation so you should take full advantage of that opportunity.

Research Papers / Real v Artificial Christmas Trees [3]

Daniel, there is a point for discussion in your essay that could have winningly persuaded the reader to your side of the discussion, but you failed to follow through on. The information from Dr. Gatersleben regarding exposure to natural environments needs to be followed through on. What sort of beneficial exposure does one get from having a dying pine tree in his house? Consider the contradicting discussion that there are people who are allergic to pine and therefore, prefer the plastic variety will be used to disprove your information, how would you deal with it in the presentation? An effective persuasive essay always considers the possible zingers coming from the other side to weaken your POV. Make sure to address these possible opposing views in your research in order to create a balanced persuasive paper that allows the reader to make his own decision based on facts and various points of view.

Research Papers / Research paper on negative stigma regarding mental illness and [how to prevent it]? [3]

Wendy, I find that your essay, in this current draft mode, has all the elements required to make it an acceptable and passing essay. The problem is that you were not able to accurately place the paragraphs in an order that makes more sense to the reader. Proper paragraph placement helps to create an interesting and more informative research paper. In my opinion you can rearrange the paragraphs in a specific manner in order to make this a more relevant and informative essay that will hold the attention of the reader. I strongly believe that if you arrange the paragraph in this numerical placement manner (coming from the current draft), you will have a more suitable essay to edit. Place the paragraphs in the following manner: 1, 3, 2, 4, 6,5, with a new concluding paragraph developed to create a stronger closing statement. The new closing statement should make suggestions as to the various methods of help available to those with a mental illness. Helplines, support groups, and therapy could be suggested. An explanation of the helpline and support group functions would make for an informative end of discussion for the topic.