Scholarship / I carried out numerous leadership roles. Explaining my ability to influence others. [3]

Faray, your essay has some very strong academic qualifications for your leadership and influencing skills. You can actually open your essay with that first paragraph because it is impressive. You should however, make sure that you do not keep referring to the work of the team by saying "we" because the essay is about your leadership and influencing skills so say "I". You may also want to consider including an example of your influencing skill with regards to how you managed to encourage sponsors for your team and the building of your project.

Now, balance out the discussion by presenting one professional leadership and influencing essay in the second paragraph. Remember, the scholarship is looking for leaders and influencers who can lead the country in the future. That statement implies the need to prove that you are a trail blazer, a leader, and someone who commands respect and consideration in the professional decision making process in your line of work.

Presenting one academic and one professional leadership and influencing example in the essay allows you to show the reviewer how you developed the skills required by the prompt. It also proves that you are a person who is a born leader. That makes the essay more impressive to read than the current version that seems too focused on academic and extra curricular leadership and influencing abilities.

Scholarship / Acting proactively and reach out to people rather than sitting and waiting for somebody to approach [5]

Adil, you can remove the reference to your becoming an IELTS teacher for a few months. That is not really connected to your actual profession as that was something you volunteered to do. It is not necessary to present non-profession related networks unless you can somehow create a connection between your profession and your extra curricular activity. The sentence about "never eat alone" doesn't establish anything with regards to your network either so you can be removed from the presentation as well. At the moment, you can also remove the paragraphs about "legal firms" and the "I believe I was able to built" because your essay should have ended at the portion where you discussed how you plan to help Chevening access your network and why you believe that the network is something that will be beneficial to the scholarship program. Once you remove the portions I indicated here, the essay will be ready for use. It will be in its final form and you won't even have to ask for further approval before you use it.

Scholarship / Describing my leadership role at school and gained experience - Chevening Scholarship [6]

Daria, what was your leadership role at the school? I assume that you were a full time teacher there which is why you were able to make these observations and suggestions within your essay? In actuality, the first half of the essay has the potential to be an excellent platform for your leadership and influencing skills. The last part is not necessary. Just build your 500 word essay on the role you had at the school since 2015. The leadership discussion and your traits as a leader are strong in the presentation. What is not so strong is your ability to influence people or the decision making process. There is too much collaborative effort represented and not enough of your individual participation that resulted in influencing the decision making process of either the team or the higher administrative officers. That is the part that you need to improve upon. Keep in mind that there is a maximum word requirement so you just might need to revise the whole presentation of the essay in order to properly represent your influencing skills.

Scholarship / My impact to the community in Rwanda - answering Chevening question [4]

Katabarwa , your actual essay doesn't begin until paragraph 7. This is when your professional leadership and influencing skills truly take center stage. However, instead of presenting all of this information, since you only have 500 words with which to justify your leadership and influencing abilities, I would just choose 2 of these organizations to represent in the essay. In my opinion, you should build upon the RIDI discussion. Target a presentation that showcases how you led specific projects in this organization and more importantly, how you influenced others to cooperate with you when, from what I have read, this was not an easy task to accomplish. There is no "we" in a leadership statement only "I". The NCFG experience is interesting but does not seem to really imply a leadership role on your part. Perhaps you can skip the IT part and focus on your position as VP instead. That has an implied leadership and influencing role in the title of your position. I do not believe that you should remove the Kennedy quote because that is a notable definition of leadership and shows a sense of hope in the way that you are approaching your scholarship application. I would make the quote my opening statement instead, as that is where quotes are normally placed in order to ensure effectiveness and continuation in the reading material.

Scholarship / I choose to study in these three courses of different universities [3]

Theodora, your first 2 paragraphs are not necessary in this instance. Those are explanations that should be included in the university choices as part of the "future application" of the masters course you have chosen to study. It is not supposed to be the main point of the essay. What I noticed in your university choice discussions is that you only went to far as to discuss what you hope to learn. You do not discuss how you hope to use these courses to improve your profession. By improvement, I mean, if you complete this course, what direction does that take your teaching career in? What career path will open up for you by studying each course? That is something that the prompt asks you to explain in relation to your educational background, professional background, and future career plans (simplified version. The long form goes in the Post Study Plan). Paragraph 2 should actually be used as the opening statement for your post study plan which is why I am asking you remove it from this essay.

Scholarship / Profesional Reference Letter for Chevening Scholarship - She has worked well in two airports [7]

This is a pretty good essay except, it seems to be based more on hearsay and your performance in other departments aside from the one where this person is your direct supervisor. The reviewer needs to read more of "I have observed her to be... in the performance of her duties." and "I am impressed by her ability to perform..." or even "I noticed that when placed in a stressful situation..." You see, the recommendation letter is not about your accomplishments but rather, your performance on the job that could translate into you being a student with strong moral, professional, and academic ethics. It is not a continuation of your professional biography, which is what you wrote here. Focus on your skills and talents. Use the ownership pronouns to have the person describe you. Most of all, make sure the letter doesn't sound like the applicant wrote it, which is immediately obvious in this letter at the moment. Recommendation letters are supposed to be independently written. Reviewers are trained to spot letters that the applicant wrote themselves and had someone else sign it. Yes, there are instances when recommendation letters are verified with a phone call so be very careful about developing this sort of letter. Distance yourself from the content as best as you can.

Writing Feedback / The diagram shows the changes at West Park Secondary School since its construction in 1950 [2]

Tran, the overview summary is meant to help you write a better essay. It is there so that you can properly outline the illustrations provided, which then allow you to develop a better discussion for your analysis. If you look at what you wrote in the opening summary, you are lacking most of the important information for outlining in the essay. What is missing? Let me list it down for you:

1. You misidentified the drawings as maps. These are actually illustrations.
2. Aside from saying "over a 60 year period", you must indicate the years included in the illustrations.
3. You also need to indicate what you will be doing in the essay (comparisons, discussions, explanations, etc.) so that the purpose of the diagram will become known to the reader who does not have access to the information you were provided.

4. Your trending information is using the wrong English vocabulary which made the presentation hard to understand. (chances = changes, contracted = constructed, fractures = infrastructures)

You need to understand that you cannot just throw information into your analytical essay without making clear what years you are referencing and how it interrelates across the given years. I think the better format for your essay paragraphs would have been:

1. Summary overview and trending paragraph
2. Describe the school in 1950, prepare a transition sentence going into 1980.
3. Discuss the school in 1980, prepare the reader with a lead in sentence going into 2010.
4. Explain the changes in 2010

That makes the presentation clearer and easier to understand because it follows a chronological order of presentation for the reader to follow.

Scholarship / Developing Country's Airports is my long tearm goal [10]

The essay is strong but still weak in the UK consideration. There are many UK logistics related companies in various airports around the world. Those are all privately owned companies that are not affiliated with any projects the UK government has in your country. So those affiliations you are planning does not fully qualify for this essay. What you need to find out, is if the UK government has any sort of investment, rehabilitation project, or training program in coordination with your national or local government. Or even, if the UK government has a direct tie up with your aviation authorities in relation to the improvements to be made in your airport. It is vital that you prove a connection between airport rehab and the UK projects in Indonesia. That is the final consideration point for your application. Based upon my previous experiences with the applicants to Chevening that I have assisted, the only reason that they fail to make the final round of considerations is if the UK does not have an ongoing project in your field of expertise. That is why I am so concentrated on having you prove that point in your essay. It has to be UK government by the government itself as part of its outreach program or diplomatic relations opportunities in your country.

Scholarship / Chevening study in UK essay, my journey to become urban planner in the future. [6]

Nasser, save for the tense usage problem in this essay the content is acceptable as final for the discussion. You need to replace all instances of the word "could" in your opening statement with a reference to "have" as you underwent the activity in the past and therefore, already have an existing knowledge in that area. Also, in your first choice, change the term "according to my past experiences" to "based upon my previous academic and professional experiences..." That sounds more academic and is properly structured in terms of grammar and sentence development. The essay seems to be hanging a bit as I read it. Kind of like there is something missing at the end. Try to add a simple closing paragraph that reiterates your desire to see any of these academic plans come forth for you with the help of Chevening during the upcoming semester. This is already a strong statement that just needs a little grammar revision in order to make the reading smoother and more understandable to the reader. Good work. Just make the changes I suggested and use the essay. No need to ask for my final approval.

Scholarship / Chevening - My journey with Networking skills and how its made my life better [3]

Ali, your kidnapping has nothing to do with your networking skills. You tried to use the shock factor to catch the attention of the reviewer and it worked. The problem is, the rest of your essay doesn't portray any actual networking skills that will be useful to you as a professional and a Chevening scholar. Chevening is looking for a network that can help to improve their current roster of alumni related networks. All of which help to improve the career opportunities for their scholars, regardless of when they became a Chevening scholar.

Work on presenting your networking skills as a medical representative instead. As a med rep, you have the ability to network throughout various channels in the medical field. This is an untapped network in your essay that could very well help you present a strong networking background. You can mention 2 networks under this occupation. The first, is the doctor related network and the second, is the pharmacy related network. Both of which can impress the reviewer if you can create a solid explanation as to how these two networks can be of great use to you in the pursuit of your career highs and how the medical study scholars of Chevening can approach you for help in case they need mentoring or help from a person in the medical or pharmacy field. That would create the best possible networking essay for you. The current one that you have doesn't really function well in the sense of a networking essay.

Scholarship / My future plans on enhancing the quality of Indonesia's education [2]

Jennifer, this is a post study plan. The last thing the reviewer wants to read about is how your interest developed in this particular field. This is a forward thinking, forward moving, career development essay. This is not a reminiscing essay. You are approaching this essay as a personal statement, which it isn't. So you will need to write a more proper essay based on the following parameters.

1. Discuss what your immediate plans are upon returning to your home country and why it is important that you accomplish these plans on the short term.

2. Look for a UK supported project in your country that you can hook up with in an effort to help improve education in Indonesia. It can be a program they sponsor in your university or it could be an organization that relates to your profession. Whatever it is, just make sure that you highlight it as part of your essay because that is an element that cannot be omitted in the essay. It is part of the prompt directive.

3. Determine how your long term plans, say over the next 5 years can be affected by what you learn as a Chevening scholar and discuss how these plans can help to improve the education status of your country. Outline a simple plan of action if you can.

The point of this essay is to prove that you actually have a reason for your interest in this particular masters degree, that you will find it useful upon your return, that you are willing to help continue promoting Chevening through your association with a British supported project, and that your career will eventually show improvement because of the support you will be getting.

Scholarship / Leadership essay. Demonstrate your potential for leadership include details of positions held [2]

Beryl is there a possibility that these experiences, save for the first one that is college related, are all, in some way, connected to your professional career? The prompt is pretty clear about requiring experiences in leadership and influencing that show your ability to become a leader in your profession / country. What I am reading here are all volunteer programs and internships. Not exactly the impressive leadership type when you consider the professional aspects required by the scholarship.

Additionally, all of the information contained in your essay highlights only your leadership profile. There is no influencing profile that is of note in this essay. Sure you were an assistant project leader who got women treated. You were not the leader of this project and as such, did not have any real leadership or influencing role in the project. Your role in relation to those 2 aspects were minimal at best. What we need from you is a professional leadership and influencing profile. One that shows off your skills and ability that might convince the reviewer that you just might have what it takes to lead your country forward in the future. The discussion in this essay is only intermediate and doesn't really carry any weight in terms of information presentation and cannot impress the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 : Some people say it is OK to use animals for our benefit, others say it is not good [5]

Alimin, your overall score for this essay will be a 4. The reasons that you are receiving this score are based on the following reasons:

1. The presentation of your ideas are not clear and isn't well supported in your discussion. The opening paraphrase is a disaster that doesn't really help the reader understand what the point of the essay will be.

2. The paragraphs tend to be highly confusing in presentation. Making it difficult for the reader to understand what the main discussion element or topic sentence of the paragraph is.

3. You have almost no control over word formation. This causes undue stress on the part of the reader who has to spend time analyzing what you have written just to be able to understand it on simple terms.

4. Your sentence development is really problematic. I strongly suggest that you try to do sentence development exercises in order to gain a better understanding of sentence development and so that you can learn how to control your word formation skills.

In all honesty, I would have held back on scoring your essay because of all the problems that it contains. However, you asked for a score so I had to follow your request and give you an honest assessment based upon scoring considerations. The outlined problems of your essay covers all of the problem points so you now know where to start with regards to improving your skills over your forthcoming essays.

Writing Feedback / The difference of consumption between chicken beef lamb and fish in a European country [4]

Hi Jessie. Listen, there is actually a proper format to be followed for the opening presentation of a Task 1 essay. You don't normally jump into the analytical discussion right off the bat. There has to be a basis for the discussion presentation. You need an outline for the reader to use as a guide. The suggestion, and this is something you can choose to follow or not, is that you write the first paragraph this way:

1. Present the topic for discussion
2. Present the measurement unit used
3. Indicate the inclusive years or other related information in terms of information gathering
4. Present the trend (if required or possible)
5. Present the discussion instruction as the thesis statement.

Now, while the concluding statement is an optional part of the Task1 essay, a complete paragraph presentation is a requirement for each discussion presentation. That means, your presentation is short on the number of required sentences. Try to present at least 3 sentences per paragraph. Don't use connected thought presentations as that lessens your ability to show off your sentence development skills.

Your analysis will also be better appreciated if you take the time to write more information in the essay. Look for cross reference points and similarities in the chart for your presentation. Be intricate. That results in a better and more complete presentation. There were times in this graph when chicken and beef crossed each other in the graph, that meant there was a point when the consumption was equal. That was not presented in the paper. Therefore, your comparison portion of the essay is not completely represented.

Writing Feedback / Allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters or not [3]

You have properly represented the requirements of the Task Accuracy section of scoring. There is a clear representation of your understanding of the prompt requirements in line with the topic discussion presentation. Your outline, as required by the essay, is accurate and helpful in representing the upcoming discussion. So you can expect to get a decent score in that section for your presentation. Believe me when I tell this because I have been advising successful test takers at this forum for a number of years now. You can definitely take my word for it when I advice you regarding improvements to your essay development skills.

The essay that you have written is actually very strong. In terms of presentation, your discussion considers all sides of the discussion and gives you the opportunity to fully develop the presentation. While some presentations, like the about the neighbors child is not fully developed, the reader tends to understand what it is that you are trying to say. You could safely say that there is very little stress on the part of the reader because your presentation is simple enough to be understood.

I applaud you for knowing that you need to separate your opinion discussion from the concluding statement. Also, that you know well enough to not present it at the end of the opening statement of the IELTS test. You have written this essay by the book and it has helped you create an acceptable and passable essay. There are a number of problems with your essay though that relate to vocabulary (spelling) and word usage. One important reminder though, do not use the abbreviation "etc." in your essay. That is only used in informal English writing. Not in academic writing like this essay requires.

In the essay, you misspelled the words "because" and you also used it to start a sentence. As a connecting word, "Because" should never be used to start a sentence as there is no though process to connect at the start of a sentence.

Problem with the conclusion. You still continued the discussion after summarizing the presentation of facts from the essay. A conclusion should do just that, end a conversation. It is not meant to allow you to have an additional avenue to present more information. You don't have the time nor sentence count to do that in the conclusion. Please avoid doing that with your future essays in order to increase your scoring considerations.

Writing Feedback / The diagram presents the process of generating electricity from geothermal energy in a power plant [3]

Your essay is not effective in reflecting the C&C and GRA considerations of your essay. All of your paragraphs are composed of run on sentences. You have a tendency to simply connect your explanations through the use of commas. That reduces the coherence and cohesiveness of your presentation. That is why you must use periods rather than commas in the writing of your paragraphs. It is better to have interconnected sentences than interconnected thought presentations. You score better in the GRA and C&C section when you do that.

The aim of the essay must not be to write just enough words to make the minimum requirement. The aim is to present an essay that has enough words to prove that you are capable of writing complete English sentences in a manner that utilizes appropriate vocabulary and sentence development procedures. Make sure that complete paragraphs are presented because the 3-5 sentence requirement allows you to develop and present the appropriate English skills in written form.

Scholarship / Chevening networking skills-development of my networking skills through organization [2]

Suhartini, this essay must be written from a professional perspective because the Chevening program hopes to be able to use your network in the accomplishment of their goals and objectives after you graduate. All of the networks that you discuss in this essay have been developed on an informal scale. That means, you do not have a work related network that you can use to help you advance your career in the future. What is the use of having an informal network? They are not related to your workplace so it doesn't really allow you to enhance your potential as a professional . While you have a lot of stories to tell about these networks, you have not really established its professional relevance in your life. Sadly, there is no part of this essay that you can use for your application. You will need to revise the content of your essay to become more career relevant. Specially since you have to explain how your network will help future Chevening scholars achieve their own dreams and ambitions. You may want to look over the other networking examples here in order to find inspiration for the improvement of your own essay. I guarantee that you will learn something from the work of the other applicants here when it comes to how you can strengthen your own essay.

Scholarship / The more networks you have, the more opportunities you will get. Chevening Scholarship answer [4]

Mahmoud, please try to create a more professional networking presentation because right now, you are limiting yourself to an academic network that continues to help you get jobs. This is not a properly developed professional network because it is part of a cocoon system of your professional life. This cannot be considered a real network because you are not using it to help others, it only helps you improve your career opportunities. There is no risk involved and you have not required yourself to develop a network that is related to your career but not composed of your professors. This makes the essay pretty much useless in a sense. By the way, being an "events coordinator" does not qualify you as a person with a network unless that is your actual profession. From the way that you discussed it, this is not a profession for you, just a part of the controlled network that was created for you during your academic life. You need to show that you have a diverse network of professional contacts not related to your professors and the work that you managed to get through their influence. There is nothing in this scholarship that will tell the reviewer that you have a network worthy of Chevening attention / affiliation through your being a scholar of the program. This essay is not competitive enough to be placed in a side by side comparison with the other, more well prepared, extensively connected applicants.

Scholarship / I hope to achieve the success by the end of 2018. Chevening scholarship application leadership essay [3]

Quratulain, this is a very dry essay. It is not really informative because you summarize all of your information presentations. It only glosses over your potential as a leader and does not even touch on your influencing skills. This is an extremely short leadership and influencing essay. It almost seems like you are not being completely honest with the reviewer in your statements. Are you telling the truth? He could question a number of entries in your essay due to the lack of clear examples of your leadership and influencing skills. Indicating that your business is currently failing but you hope to save it does not bode well for your leadership skill neither does it say something positive about your ability to influence positive developments in your company. This is not a strong leadership and influencing example. Neither of them are due to the lack of proper examples relating to each profession and title that you held. I strongly urge you to be more specific in your presentation. Indicate relevant leadership and influencing skills that at least you have the potential to be both on a professional level at the very least. Remember, Chevening expects a lot of their applicants because they are looking for the next mover and shaker in their home countries. Being capable or good enough is not enough for this essay, you have to be the best.

Scholarship / Technology Policy Post Study Career Plan - Chevening [3]

Guntomo, don't tell the reviewer what you hope to learn after your studies in the UK. That is not the point of the post study plan. The post study plan is meant to help the reviewer understand the overall requirement that you have for wishing to complete your studies in the UK. Specifically, how the course will help you advance your career over the next 5 years. You may want to also consider how the UK has any special projects in your country that directly tie into your masters degree studies. The prompt for the post study plan requires you to create a post study or career plan that will give you the opportunity to pay back the scholarship program by helping them promote their objectives in accordance with existing UK projects in your country. You do not have that mentioned in your essay at the moment. If you cannot make the connection then, from my experience helping previous Chevening scholars, it becomes more difficult for you to win the scholarship.

Revise your essay to start with your mid range plans then write a paragraph about the existing UK projects that you can aim to assist in or help promote through a collaborative effort with the profession you are practicing. That will be sure to strengthen the essay presentation for your post study plan.

Scholarship / Being a Leader Require Excellent Capability - Chevening Leadership Question [2]

Guntomo, while I acknowledge that this is definitely a leadership and influencing skill, I am wondering if it will be enough to compete against the more career related, professional leadership and influencing examples coming from the other applicants. The fact that your leadership and influencing skill comes from the time when you were doing community service in college makes it less impressive for a number of reasons. The first, is that you had the assistance of the university in making the project happen. Sure you led the team and talked to various people in order to make the library a reality. That does not erase the fact that you were accompanied by a university representative during these times which made the negotiations and influencing situations more favorable towards your objectives.

In the review of the applications, there will be others who had to do certain things, similar to your community project, on a professional level. They did not have the opportunity to seek the assistance of their university adviser in the completion of their tasks. Things were not "rigged" towards their success as your community project was. That is why I feel that your leadership and influencing skill based on an academic achievement will not be enough to carry your application to the next level.

Have you started working yet? If so, in what capacity? Can you not consider any professional achievement one that can fall under the leadership and influencing criteria of the Chevening scholarship at the moment? I really wish that you could change the reference to one that will surely be more competitive when compared to the other applicants for the scholarship grant.

Scholarship / Building Network Takes Time and Patience - Chevening Networking Question [3]

Guntomo, you are only implying that you have the ability to create a network and that you have existing networks that yo work with in this essay. You are not providing information regarding specific organizations and organizations that you are a part of professionally. You need to outline what groups you are networked with, how these networks apply to your profession, how you came into contact with them, and what your status as a member of this network is at the moment. You have to prove that you have a useful professional structure of interconnected professional webs that can be called upon to assist you in your time of need in the workplace. Offer examples of how these networks have worked to your benefit and then explain how you plan to offer up the use of these networks to the Chevening scholar members who are pursuing the same professional goals as you are. Remember, the main point of this essay is to prove that you have a professional network that can be of vital importance to Chevening in the future. If you can prove that, then your essay will be half effective in earning you a spot for consideration in the final round.

Scholarship / My ability to succeed as leader and as follower in any given responsibility - Chevening application [7]

Mariam, you have indicated a semblance of leadership of a different note in this essay. Therefore, you do not have any problem with that aspect of the essay. However, when it comes to delivering an influencing example, that is where you have a bit of difficulty. I do not see any real influencing style delivered within the essay. Making a suggestion is not an influencing skill. Making a suggestion when there is opposition to your idea will require you influence the team towards doing what you think is best. Sending you a progress report and follow up reports so you can review data is part of job delegation, it is a leadership trait, not an influencing skill. If you could further develop the paragraph about you being the youngest on the team and having to motivate them to respect you so that yo could lead them towards accomplishing the task within the deadline, then you will have a stronger example of your influencing skill. The better Business Reference is not connected to leadership and influencing so it should not be mentioned in this essay at all.

Undergraduate / My Love For Technology: Common App Essay #1 [4]

Daniel, in response to your question, no, the new prompt that you decided to use is not applicable because the prompt is asking you to discuss something that you find relaxing that yo do alone. It does not require interaction with other people and it does not require you to do different things in a manner related to your college major. You need to discuss something that is like a hobby or a non-sensical thing that allows you to simply while the time away. It just needs to be something that introduces your manner of resting in between learning sessions. While it could be something that results in income for you, the fact that the essay that you wrote related to various activities instead of only one action makes it inappropriate for the new essay prompt that you chose as well. You really need to consider writing a more relevant essay based on the prompt requirement if you want to use this prompt for your common app essay.

I hope that I have clarified things for you. I look forward to seeing your active participation in the forum by helping the others here who are looking for comments and advice from their fellow students. I am sure they are eager to hear what you have to say about their work.

Book Reports / Making Sure My Analysis On The Short Story "The Most Dangerous Game" Make Sense. [2]

Damaria, I find that your analysis is too straightforward. It immediately provides a direct opinion of both characters without performing an individual analysis regarding the background, mindset, and circumstances of each man. Thus, when you present "romantic ideas" and "a modern civilized young man", the reader, who may not have read the story yet, could find himself confused. The analysis should first look into who these men are individually, then, based on their common beliefs, begin to discuss their differences in relation to their view about life. You have to remember that Rainford is the prey in this story and Zaroff is the hunter. So their mindsets truly differ about life and how to treat it. By first analyzing what or where their beliefs about life are based upon, then you can begin to discuss their differing animalistic impulses beneath the civilized veneers.

Scholarship / To become a great leader means taking stock of who you are, all your strengths and weaknesses [3]

Mohamed, balance the content of your essay. You have too much details presented about your socio civic activity and not enough about the professional aspect of your leadership and influencing skills. While both of the positions entailed use of your leadership and influencing abilities, the one that will be more of interest to the reviewer is your ability to lead and influence as a professional, rather than a civic leader. While both activities show off your potential to be a leader and influencer in your country, specially on the social side, the professional side is what the Chevening scholarship looks towards building due to the UK interests in your country. Develop at least 2 paragraphs each for the organization and your software development company. That should help to highlight your leadership and networking abilities, regardless of the situation that you find yourself in. Truth be told this is one of the strongest draft essays I have read here for this particular topic. So I know that you have the potential to catch the eye of the reviewer, provided you can develop the strongest presentation possible for this essay.

Undergraduate / Im applying for AUC in Egypt, and I would appreciate it if you take the time and look at my essay. [3]

Lujainne I am not sure what the prompt you are responding to is at the moment so I cannot really comment on the statement that you wrote. What I can tell you though is that it has a very generic feel to it because you are stating obvious reasons for your choice instead of comparative based decisions regarding your academic needs. What makes AUC stand out when compared to other universities aside from the American based education you will receive without having to leave your mother country? All of the subjects that you enumerate does nothing to tell me why you would choose this university over others. Why you would stand out as a student at UAC comes from something definitive about what you want to learn and how the university teaches it. At the moment this is just an essay that can apply to any university of your choice.

Scholarship / Showing clear examples of my networking skills... I can not differentiate it with Leadership's One [3]

Mohabatullah, in the second paragraph, you need to clarify if you established this organization as a student or as a professional already. That is unclear so the reason for the establishment becomes confusing. If this was established during your time as a student, then you need to indicate which international networks you were able to connect with and whether or not this network still exists. More importantly, you have to determined whether or not the organization you created was able to help its affiliate networks and vice versa. Remove the reference to your becoming a lecturer. That is better suited for the leadership and influencing essay. Talking about your participation in events, meetings, and building relationships with higher management is for the leadership essay as well. Everything you wrote after the establishment of the medical student association are all leadership information and do not belong here. I already mentioned how you can turn this into a proper networking essay. Develop that instruction and the essay should be usable for you purpose.

Scholarship / Some stories confirming my leadership skills. [Chevening] Leadership and Influence Question [2]

Timur, the tone of your essay is defeatist. Your opening statement tells the reviewer that you are not appreciative of the scholarship, you don't want the scholarship, but you are forced to apply for the scholarship. All reasons that are quite evident in the manner that you are representing yourself in your opening statement. I know you are trying to convey a simple personality and a humble leadership style but that is not what will get you this essay. If you are a strong willed person willing to go to lengths to get what you want out of your current position, then you will not be an effective leader now and in the future. Develop a stronger presentation at the start. Invoke a sense of confidence and willingness to do what it takes to succeed. Those are the traits that make an influential leader. Promote a sense of self belief in your abilities in terms of leadership and influencing. Your body of paragraphs in relation to leadership and influencing, along with the closing statement make a strong case for your application. It is the opening statement that makes is extremely weak and almost not worthy of consideration. If the reviewer does not finish reading the opening statement because of your inability to portray self confidence, then your essay may not help your application progress to the next level.

Scholarship / An experience which has given me an opportunity to be a better leader in the future [10]

Natasya, just present the discussion in terms of your professional background. Tell the reviewer what company you are connected with, what your current position in the company, and what your duties and responsibilities entail. You need to use only the professional background as the focus of your essay because that is more attuned to the prompt requirements. Right now, you are presenting short-cuts to your leadership and influencing discussion. Since you have been getting promoted on the job, each stage of work that you entered into granted you the opportunity to grow as a leader and influencer, so you have to present how that happened every step of the way in order to strengthen your presentation and catch the eye of the reviewer. The problem is not so much your language at this point but the presentation of the information relevant to the prompt. You can edit the grammar after you have properly aligned the content with the prompt expectations.

Scholarship / If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. Chevening [3]

Mohamed, your essay will not be useful in your application. You are merely explaining what you believe networking means and how you have developed those skills for use in your workplace. There is no clear membership in any organization that is affiliated with your profession which can lead you towards career growth. You need to signify how you use various organizations in your workplace because of the differing work situations that you face which may require you to look to others, who are not part of your workplace for further assistance. It would be best for you to try and think about your membership in various organizations related to your work place activities or work skills development in order to better respond to this essay. You need to create an idea as to how these networks provide you with a work related benefit and then inform Chevening of the benefits this may bring the other scholars as well. The network you have needs to be presented in a shared contact manner so that your essay will stand out in usefulness.

Scholarship / Developing Indonesia by building a network of people and their skills [4]

Theodora, your membership in the MGMP should be the focus of the opening statement of your essay. Discussing the reasons why this network is important will also show how the Cheevening scholarship foundation will benefit from the existence of your membership in the organization. However, the organization should not be the only networking representation in your essay. Think about the affiliate organizations to the MGMP and how you use those extended memberships in the community within your profession. By presenting at least 2 connected networks that show how you developed one connecting into the other, you will show your networking skill as well. The essay wants you to inform the reviewer about at least 2 networked organizations, its importance to your line of work, and how you continue to grow these networks into other associations as well. Then towards the end of your essay, do not focus on explaining just how you will benefit from this network, but how the Chevening scholars will also stand to benefit from the network provided that they are within the same field or profession as you are.

Writing Feedback / The place where students hang out [3]

Sam, here is a sample of how you can improve the grammar and presentation of your statement. I hope you can use it to model your own original work after. Good luck with your grammar and usage practice essay. Actually what you wrote was not bad. It just wasn't imaginative / creative enough for the required title / prompt.

Walking through the enormous library doors for the first time, the carpet felt thick under my feet. Thick, but soft, it made me feel comfortable as I stepped into the room. The carpet wasn't there for comfort though, it was there to muffle the footsteps of people in the library. After all, silence was of the utmost importance in this hall of study, where dedicated and devoted students hung out after classes in order to continue their studious manners. The wooden furniture caught my eyes along with the wide windows that allowed natural lighting into the room, making it easier for students to read their materials. I noticed the librarian was busy, perhaps jotting down important library business. I noticed that the students were divided into groups, funny enough, they were not studying but sleeping, listening to music, or chatting in low voices. As I walked the library halls to familiarize myself with the room, I noticed that the books were divided into fiction and non-fiction sections, in an alphabetical manner, using the "Dewey Decimal System". As I came across a group of students, one of them, who was in my English class waved to me, asking me to join them and relax while studying. I did not need much coaxing to join them. I was happy to hang out with my schoolmates after class.

Scholarship / Career plan - by 2030, I will be a renowned Medically Scientist, locally and internationally [6]

Okorie, your essay is good but comes out lacking in some parts and overdoing it in other sections. For starters, since this is a post study plan, you do not need to explain what your current profession is and how you function in this capacity. Just go directly to the post study discussion for your essay opening paragraph.

With regards to the second paragraph, it will be difficult for you to prove that you will be a good Chevening ambassador if you do not have any post study plans to help promote the scholarship program through a collaborative effort with a UK based organization in your country. You have a very specific plan regarding your work plans when you return to your home country, I am sure the UK has some ongoing medical projects or programs ongoing in your country. It would be best if you consider how the UK projects may help you promote yourself as a professional and as a Chevening scholar. That is a required element of the prompt so you have to provide that. Look into it. Ask the hospital to share some programs that they know about with you that you can consider for presenting in this essay.

Now, the 2023 plan really sounds like an exaggeration. You cannot achieve this plan within only 4-5 years. You also, will need a PhD, at the very least in order to get this group started. So you should be discussing advanced education plans by that year instead.

Scholarship / I have chosen the following three courses in UK universities for specific reasons. [6]

Fatemah, you need to be careful of the way that you start sentences. Don't start any sentence with a connecting word. That means, in the first paragraph, where you start the sentence with "And", you need to remove that word and simply open with "Through my connection with the Empowered...." That way the sentence is properly formatted.

When you write the reasons for your university choices, never mention the ranking of the university based on some educational ranking system. That is irrelevant in the course of your decision making. It should only be based on previous academic preparations and your future plans. What the ranking of the university is does not change the course curriculum in relation to your future plans. That is the target for the explanation regarding university choices.

You seem to be missing an background in International Law. While the other 2 choices seem to have a clear educational foundation for you, this one does not. It is imperative that you reference some sort of background from your undergraduate or Law proper studies that relates to that because the educational foundation is one of the main requirements of this essay.

Scholarship / Challenges are the only way to judge the person's capability of leadership and influence. [4]

This is a very effective leadership and influencing presentation. In fact, it is so effective, that it even carries a little bit of networking skills in the narrative. It would be better if you found a different way to frame the way that you gained the help of someone else to help with the project because I would very much like you to save that networking presentation for the networking essay. It will be of tremendous help and impact to your application. Perhaps you can gloss over it in this essay by saying that "I led the team towards success by finding the right person to assist us with the completion of the task." That way, you completely evade the networking that was involved so you can use it later on in the more appropriate essay presentation.

You will need to separate the aforementioned paragraph into at least 2 paragraphs that discusses each scenario separately. That way the narrative becomes easier for the reviewer to read through and remember. Right now, it is a bit hard to keep track of the message in the presentation because the whole story is bunched into one paragraph.

Your concluding paragraph totally removes the impression that was created by your statement before it. I would like you to consider removing that paragraph and writing a different one instead. One that explains how your leadership and influencing experience has allowed you the opportunity to develop your own definition of leadership. State the new definition, the close the essay.

Writing Feedback / Students want to live away from home while they continue to study [2]

Luong, you need to learn how to use a wider vocabulary range. Your essay becomes redundant because you use the term "far away from home" too many times in the essay, sometimes in successive sentences. Try to vary your presentation by saying terms like "living away" or " boarding", "residing separately", and other similar terms. It is important to try and use as many synonyms in your essay so that you can better develop your English vocabulary.

You must also learn how to compartmentalize your essay into paragraph topics, discussing only one per paragraph then transitioning into the next related discussion in another paragraph. By dividing the topics, the essay becomes easier to read as the page does not appear so tight on the screen, packed with words. I suggest that you practice doing that with this essay. In each paragraph, you are discussing at least 2 topics, without transitioning into each discussion. Edit the essay by dividing the paragraphs and adding transition sentences at the end of each presentation.

There is also a problem with the way that you present your sources in the paper. Please try to determine the type of writing style required for this essay (APA, MLA, Chicago, Turabian, Harvard...) and then look up the citation style online. I suggest using Purdue for this formatting search. It will help you to properly format you in-text citations so that it does not get confusing on the page. You also need to learn to introduce the source material prior to the citation. For example, you cannot just say, "Alfred said..." because nobody knows who Alfred is. You have to say "Alfred, a researcher from the Institute of Life has said that; "citation here". That is how you properly reference a paraphrase or in-text citation.

Overall, this is a decent attempt at a research paper. Keep up the good work. I am confident that your writing and formatting style will improve as you continue to do research work or practice research work for your classes.

Scholarship / My responsibilities as a leader. 2017 Chevening Essay - Leadership and Influence Question [3]

Indah, this is not an effective essay for 2 reasons. The first, is that your experience at the booth is not profession related. That is extra curricular in nature and did not require any true leadership or influencing abilities on your part. You were only participating in an exhibition. Not a Chevron work related project. That is why there was a lack of leadership and influencing presentation in this part of your essay.

The second problem, is that when it came to office work, you were nothing more than a liaison officer who served in the capacity of reviewer, not leader in this scenario. Even when you were asked to assist the supervisor, this could not be considered a leadership experience as you were only there to serve as an adviser to the supervisor. No leadership required, no influencing accomplished.

In all honesty, there is nothing in this essay that would depict that you have the ability to "lead the leaders" because, it would appear, that you are not in a leadership role in the office. So you are passing off your rank and file duties and abilities as leadership and influencing skills, hoping that the reviewer cannot tell the difference. The problem is, he can and he will not continue with considering your application because of your lack of true leadership and influencing skills.

Review your most recent work related activities and try to find an instance of true leadership and influencing skills within it. Look for conflict, discussion, influencing, and resolution within the concept. If you find those 4 criteria, then you will be able to use it for this essay.

Scholarship / I am in the beginning of my journey to achieve my dreams - Chevening Scholarship [2]

Dewi, while you were able to establish your training in terms of leadership, it takes up more than half the essay. It doesn't you with any room to prove that you are in a line of work that allows you to fully establish, develop, and use your leadership and influencing skills. the academic level of leadership that you present does not translate into a work related leadership experience that is preparing you to take over the vital role of leader in your profession and country. From what I have read, you can safely establish this presentation by developing the influence and motivating factors that you used when you participated in the local government program in Sumatera and Kalimantan. Use that to establish your problem solving abilities, leadership potential, and influencing style. It is evident from the short paragraph that you shared that this was the point in your professional career when you began to exhibit this potential. You must build on that in order to create a stronger perception of your leadership and influencing style in a manner related to your profession. It has to connect with your profession because that is where Chevening is expecting you to grow and become a notable person after you complete your masters degree.

Undergraduate / My Love For Technology: Common App Essay #1 [4]

Daniel, since you are applying to be a computer science major, this essay is not the proper response to the prompt. You already have a background, identity and interest in computer science, which is why you chose it as your major. This essay is all about another aspect of your application. The non-academic side. The side that tells the reviewer something else about you aside from your interest in computers.

What do you want the reviewer to know about you with regards to something not discussed in the other prompts? Computers are your passion but this is not what makes you the person you are today. What else makes you special aside from your love for computers and software? How do you see yourself in terms of who you are beyond computers? Tell the reviewer about that side of your personality. The person who is more than a computer whiz. He already knows all about that from the documents you submitted and the other essays that you wrote.

Complete the following sentence, "This essay will be incomplete if I do not tell you about / that I ..." (A topic that stands separate from your computer interests). The completion of that sentence is what should be discussed in this essay. It should not be a continued discussion of your desire to become a computer science major and the steps you have taken to prepare for that. This essay should be set aside for a prompt that asks just that, "What steps have you taken to prepare for the major you have chosen?" That is something that this essay strongly responds to. It does not respond to the current prompt requirements.