Writing Feedback / Work place or research updates will help universities in showing direction to educate students [6]

Hi shiva,
I am not the best person to talk about scoring. Try this link where they give the descriptions about scoring and you may get an idea where you stand;

ielts.org/PDF/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf
I think you need to improve on the structure ... I don't say you its really bad, but you need to improve on. I hope dumi would advise you on the structure - the one she suggests is very logical and easy for you to follow.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Task 2 Gender differences in work [2]

Hey... I think you have posted the wrong essay... your topic talks about children obeying rules and your essay is about employment based on gender. Have you typed a wrong topic for this essay? ... Post the correct title, so that we can provide you our comments.

Also, for this task, you should support your reasons with examples. So make sure you have specific examples in the body paragraphs :)

Undergraduate / Why me and why FIT? The next step for a bright future [4]

This is hard to responserespond because more thethan one reason came to my mind but probably the biggest one it is because FIT is one of the principal goals in my life.... what do you mean by "principal goal"?

This is a tough question to answer because there are so many reasons why I choose FIT.
And this is just one of the multiple reasons why FIT is my first choice to complete a BS in Advertising and Marketing communication


... feet is the plural of foot
Three years ago when I first stepped on NY city ,

Undergraduate / Coming from a family with Computing background; My Writing Supplement of Georgia Tech [3]


Having got both parents majored in Computer Science, I feel I have inherited my love for computers.


Ga Tech being a renowned Engineering college, I am confident that it is the best fit for me to accomplish my academic goals.
Before this sentence, tell what you want to achieve (your goals) and how Ga Tech can help you achieving them.

Undergraduate / I was confident about the exam : Account of my failure [5]


hey, that's my idea .... let see what others have got to say .... :)

Writing Feedback / Work place or research updates will help universities in showing direction to educate students [6]


What is the connection between your first sentence and the second? I find the second sentence is disturbing your flow :(


these departments are meant to teach different disciplines


What is the real reason here? It is that universities should have more focus on teaching more relevant subjects. So, you need to stress that clearly in the first line of this paragraph itself. Then support it with the example.

Undergraduate / I express myself through my cakes; When Curiosity Led to Baking [10]

hey... you make me so tempted ... lol :D ...Anyway, it well presents your passion for cake making :)


I stepped out this gender limitations and discovered an incredible talent and passion of mine.
Is this your SOP? For what purpose you are writing this? It's good if we had a chance to look at the prompt... You've showed your creative talents through your writing too. However, without knowing what it aims, I cannot be of any help I guess :(

Undergraduate / ART ESSAY ABOUT "LAKE" THE SLOW MOTION VIDEO OF CANADIAN ARTIST ERIN SHERRIFF [2]


... I don't get your idea in " travel among its own" .... What do you really mean by this?
The slow-motion video "Lake" by the Canadian artist Erin Sherriff which is displayedshown in the Art Gallery of Ontario, presents a big contrast between natural and artificial effects definingthat define the importance of color, space and the use of light in different ways. [/quote]

Since it's a movie, it's the more appropriate word is "show", If it's a piece of art then "display" is ok.


This essay aims at discussing its important features as well as the different sensations it creates in spectators.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Always better to do the shopping in the big shopping mall [3]


I don't think this is a good hook. For this task you need to open your essay with a sentence that has relevance to your topic as well as it can grab the reader's attention. Your writing should not sound like a direct response to the question posed by the prompt.


This sentence sounds very confusing. State clearly your position in the argument. From the other paragraphs I find you prefer to do shopping in small shops. So, say that clearly;

However, I personally prefer to do shopping in small shops for several reasons.

Undergraduate / I was confident about the exam : Account of my failure [5]


I feel this should come in the latter parts of your response. The reader is eager to know what your failure is before anything else.


I was climbing up stairs to the top most floor at Charles University (specify the building_ to show up at the medical examination.


"I think I can handle it without your advice", she snatched me.

Undergraduate / Yes...... I won another medal; UNC Common App Essay - failure [7]


.... wow ...congrats! :)
I was one week away from the biggest Sports- meet of the season, yet I wasn't physically or mentally prepared and my confident mentality was slowly becoming questionableconfidence was dropping


... I feel this is a bit too detailed.
The gun was fired and in a blink of an eye I realized the race was finished.

Writing Feedback / Ielts topic: Is it justified for the entertainers to earn huge salaries? [8]

Okkkkkkkk... go to "New Thread" (on the top of right hand side of this screen). Click and open it. Then you are in the page where you can start a new thread for your new essay. On top in the left hand side you get "Select Forum". Click on the arrow and select "Writing Feedback". Then type a meaningful topic in the "Subject" and type your essay in the message. One you're done, click on "Start New Thread" ... then we'll meet you in your thread :D ....LOL

Writing Feedback / IELTS 9 Test 4 - Languages die out every year......... Is this a positive trend? [6]


... your introduction is too short. In fact it is just one sentence :(
Well... for this task, you need to introduce your topic in the introduction. So, your intro should contain several essential features. I am going to copy the structure dumi generally suggests for the introduction for this task....

Writing Feedback / 'International Baccalaureate senior' - Tell us about yourself [2]


.... why you give two sets of percentiles? It does not make much sense to me... :(
I am not one of the top ten students in my class due to certain decision I have made.


What's the connection between the entrance exam and your anticipation of rejection... that's not very clear :(
... instead I found a new sense of confidence in me ... you felt confident and may be the letter gave you confidence.

Letters / Recommendation letter for students aplience for graduate program [4]


It is with my pleasure that I recommend ????(name) for the ?????? (course) at your esteemed institution. I have known ????????? (name) since ???? (year) in the capacity of his professor in ????? (subject).


Currently he studies the subject "Microprocessors usage in control and diagnostics" under my guidance and I would be pleased if he will get an opportunity to further his studies in this discipline at your university.

Writing Feedback / Personal enjoyment? Everyone is working as a diligent worker for the family. [9]

Congratualtions ! :) When is the party? ....lol


I guess what you mean is that you feel sad to part from us... Actually you don't have to. You can share your TOEFL experiences with those who will be preparing for it. Guide them with your experience to help them earn good scores as you at TOEFL. We all keep improving our English writing by helping others. It's actually a win win situation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Graphs ; Actual number of houses constructed in UK 2002 [3]

Everything seems to be crowded in one big paragraph. Have two paras - One to discuss the main trends (which is mentioned as the "overview" in dumi's suggested structure.) For example, except for Scotland, all other regions have surpassed the estimated figures in housing construction. Then have the next para to discuss them in detail withe more facts and figures.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL writing: governments should spend as much money as possible on IT? [3]


....here you don't introduce the other side of the argument. It is important to introduce your prompt in full to your reader to convince him that this argument is worth having consideration. Then you state your position to conclude the introduction.


... you believe what? This sounds a bit abrupt. Make a clear statement about what side you take on the argument.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: who should responsible for elderly? [6]


On the other hand, people should act more responsibly when they are young and energetic and should save money to look after their retirement life in which they would not be physically fit enough to generate any income.


... this is actually not going well with your previous idea. Here you say that it is unfair the people to expect everything from the government without contributing their share to look after their old age.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL WRITING: In 20 years from now on, students will not use printed books any more. [6]


... This is not necessary... Do that in the body paragraphs. It's good to conclude the introduction stating your position.


.... in the body paragraphs you need to give the reasons to justify your position on the argument. So you have to give more emphasis to the reason and then you should support that with a specific examples. Here the reason ( which is the practicality of recovering of committed investment ) and example (books of your school library) are both mixed and therefore they do not provide the reader with more logical explanation that can convince them your point . Start with the reason and then have the example to follow it.

First of all, it is not practical to convert the copies of all published books into e-books. This exercise will involve high costs and labor that would be hard to justify. For example, there are thousands of books in our school library... (so on)

Hope you got my point :)

Writing Feedback / Ielts topic: Is it justified for the entertainers to earn huge salaries? [8]

Firstly, there are few people in the worldwho are gifted with special talentsin the world


Not only that, it is their hard work and commitment that help those people to reach the heights in their respective fields such as music, arts and sports.

For example, instead of going to school, having a lot of friends and live a normal life, a great athlete has to live far from home atfrom a very young age and follow strictlystrict training program before he can attend Olympic Games and win medals.

Graduate / "I knew I wanted to be a doctor..." - PTCAS Physical Therapy school application essay [2]


... this has not come right :(
Over the years, I realized that what type of medical profession I am interested in.


When it was time for college, I decided to work towards a career as a nurse anesthetist without exactly being convinced why I chose it.


The nurse anesthetist seemed a successful career; they help people, not so exhausting, make lots of money. However, I was not keen on any of those things other than the helping people part. I soon found that I had no passion for the field and in a few months into my sophomore year of college, I decided to change my path.

Writing Feedback / I grow up in Jiquilpan Michoacán; My New Life [5]


I have learned from the mistakes of other people and I am determined not to give up my education and dreams for any reason.
Keeping my goals and aspirations was what I wanted to accomplish... this does not deliver anything logical.... also sounds like a repetitive idea.


My parents have always been guiding me and though strict at times they have been very supportive.

Writing Feedback / Despite having few harmful consequences, Internet has a positive effect on the society. [4]


The Internet has enhanced productivity ....


Despite the fact that it does have a few harmful effects on society, I believe its positives outweigh the negatives.


Actually, the Internet has facilitated speedy decision making capabilities by enhancing the level of information dissemination and reducing the effect of time and geographical barriers.

Also, this line looks like a full body para. Is it?

Writing Feedback / Having fewer languages is a good thing? [9]


.... this section does not convey your idea clearly. I cannot really get what you try to mean :(
I hope you re-phrase that part to improve clarity of your ideas. Also, make sure you have a specific example to support that reason. Examples help you convince the reader on your position in the argument.


.... this too is very confusing to understand :( .... First try with simple sentence structure, one idea per one sentence.

Writing Feedback / Doing the same job for whole life, is it challenging? [2]

As per the human nature , no matter how lucrativeinteresting and well paid th e job is, people may get bored doing the same job for long timeover a long period.


... as well as loopholes even? This is not very clear :(
For me, doing the same job for the entire life is not only disadvantages but also may have negative effects on our lives.


Human is a social animal.

Letters / A cover letter to my teacher [3]


I have learned many things from you


Also you taught me how to improve my oral presentations by using more technical jargon.


I am indebted to you for your guidance that helped me improve my writing
It's good if you told us for what purpose you wrote this letter. It could have got us to give more useful feedbacks for you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; rejecting public educational system would not be better [3]


Education is not an inevitable part of children. It is an inevitable part for their development.;
Education plays a very important role in the development children, both psychologically and physically.


... why career? this topic is about education and the role played by the parents in educating their children. So this sentence sounds pretty irrelevant.


I do not agree with this statement due to several reasons.

Writing Feedback / Studying abroad has become a very common phenomenon in the modern world - globalisation result [10]


This is actually not necessary to say.... You are going to explain your reasons in the body paragraphs. It's good to conclude the introduction with a clear statement that states your position;


... this is it and you should have stopped here.

Writing Feedback / Having fewer languages is a good thing? [9]


... this is actually a reason how this extinction of languages do happen. But, your prompt is not asking you for that. It asks whether you agree or not on the argument stated above. So, here you go out of topic. Concentrate and give focus to what your prompt asks from you and align your writing with that. In this paragraph, you should give another reason to say why you disagree with that statement. Then support that reason with an example :)

Always ready to help you dear friend ;)

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] What makes a good neighbor? - Optimistic people [3]


... good idea, something not very common :)
I prefer my neighbors to be optimistic people.


Neighbors are the first people who come to assist us when we have bad times in life. If they are optimistic and positive people, they can give us hope in winning such traumatic situations..... Now give a specific example to support this reason.


.... take this reason into a new body paragraph.

Writing Feedback / If I had a chance to go back in time, I would like to meet Albert Einstein [2]


.... This sentence is fine, but I like you changed the order;
If I am to go back in time to meet just one such great person, then that person would be Sir Albert Einstein.


.... this is not necessary to say, but do that in your body paragraphs :D .... I mean, this sentence would not add value to your essay and therefore you can skip it :)

Graduate / Academic Statement Of Purpose for PhD in mechanical Engineering [4]


My interest in Gasifier engines began to grow in my final year of graduation.


... I think comparing with other's projects is not a very good idea. It sounds like your own judgement. Just stop at saying it was a pretty hard project than you expected.

I have been graduated in mechanical engineering from Maharishi Dayanand university, Rohtak with a first class percentage.

Undergraduate / I didn't have an identity ; personal information/ Common App [4]


... good arguments :)


... this part is confusing to me. Why you linked the Montessori with your relatives...it's not clear and I feel you need to rephrase this part.


This sentence is too long and that's the reason you have a disturbed flow here and there. Break it up to two or three sentences each containing one idea at a time.

Writing Feedback / Having fewer languages is a good thing? [9]


.... very good :)
Our globalized world witnesses eradication of some indigenous languages. However, some people believe that the world with fewer languages would be easier in terms of communication. I disagree with them and firmly believe it is important to protect such endangered languages for several reasons.

Writing Feedback / Studying abroad has become a very common phenomenon in the modern world - globalisation result [10]


Well.... this is your hook and it should grab the reader's attention. For that it needs to be relevant to your topic. However, this sentence goes out of topic and has little relevance to your topic. Why do narrow down the scope of your prompt to wealthy families? There can be poor students who go abroad to study on scholarships. This prompt does not deal with wealthy or poor. But it deals with choices of selecting room mates. You need to have more focus on that aspect.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; As computers are being used more and more in education, there will be soon no role [3]


What is the reason you try to tell that can justify your position stated in the introduction? I guess the reason here is that computer aids students with many sophisticated and convenient solutions in their learning process. So, start with this reason and then talk about laptops, digital computers etc. as examples to support your reason.

Writing Feedback / [toefl task] TELEPHONE or TELEVISION? Which one is more effective in people's life? [8]


Where is the example? If you don't have a ready-made one, then cook up a story and tell :D
When I moved into my new house I survived for almost two months without having a telephone. However, I couldn't do that for more than two weeks without a television because I felt totally cut off from rest of the world without knowing anything happening around me. So, I decided buy a TV on easy payment scheme.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: who should responsible for elderly? [6]


Good sentence ... It is even better you had more focus on the reason here because in the body paragraphs you are required to give reasons as to why you hold such position. You should also support these reasons with specific examples. Here the reason is that elders deserves better attention because they have contributed positively towards the country's betterment during their young days. So, you can start with that point and then say that government therefore should look after them well;

First, the senior citizens have made valuable contributions to the country's betterment in the past. The governments should not only acknowledge this fact but also value their contribution. Therefore any responsible government should take action to protect and care for the elders in their old age.

Undergraduate / All my life, I've always had a way with words; Place [2]


I like if you present this more clearer. Ok, you say you had a way with words in your first sentence. "way with words" is your way of interpreting a certain idea which is not clear to the reader. That's fine. But then the reader would want to know what you meant. So, from the second sentence itself, you need to start introducing very clearly what you meant. It does not happen here very well. You keep the reader in that unclear status for a while.