Writing Feedback / Unpaid community service should be a compulsory high school program, do you agree or disagree? [3]

Irene, I am sorry but your approach to the opening statement is not the proper one for this type of essay prompt. The opening statement should sound more similar to the original prompt when you restate it. Therefore, the thesis statement you present at the end, should be made in a similar manner to the prompt discussion instruction. It would have been better if you said:

At the moment, unpaid community service is not yet a compulsory high school program. Some educators believe that it should be turned into a regular part of the curriculum. I disagree with this suggestion for a number of reasons.

Remember, you are trying to explain what the original prompt topic is all about. Your presentation deviated in a manner from the original prompt which made you create your prompt requirement. This would result in a failed overall score for the essay.

This is not an advantage and disadvantage essay. That is where you made a mistake in your understanding. This is a single opinion essay that relies on your opinion and supporting body paragraph presentations in convincing the reader. Make sure you understand what the prompt discussion requirements are before you start outlining the essay.

By the way, you need to make sure that you do not go over the 5 sentence maximum requirement per paragraph. Practice saying more with less sentences. That is the best way to score high in the C&C section.

Scholarship / KGSP Personal Statement Public Health Bachelor [3]

Sofia, since the discussion about your family is a specific prompt requirement, you should not remove that part from your essay. Anything that is part of the prompt requirement should not be removed. You may adjust the content if you wish, to include a description as to why there is no mention of a father figure in your nucleus family but you cannot remove that requirement. Your essay will be deemed incomplete without it and your application may not be fully considered if you do that.

Your motivation for wishing to apply for this scholarship is good but not very specific. Indicate what particular health situation you hope to address as a graduate of your chosen college program (mention that as well). The method by which your interest in science grew is shallow and not very impressive. Try to spice it up with some reference to academic accomplishments and significant training in the field of Science while you were in high school.

Don't you have a more impressive experience than the summer camp that you attended? Since it does not relate to your interest in science and health, the significance is lost in your presentation. A summer camp attendance is not going to stand out because from the way you presented the information, you did not accomplish anything of significance while you were there. This section of the prompt discussion is no longer related to your motivation for study. It has everything to do with your ability to perform and accomplish notable things as a student or professional.

Your extra curricular activities are even weaker because you only enumerated them but did not really indicate that you had a significant accomplishment, led a successful program, or won something while participating in these activities. From the way that you wrote it, the activities sound more like you just threw them in there, but you did not really participate in it.

Scholarship / One woman's path to academic empowerment: Studying in the UK Question - Scholarship Essay [6]

Denise, while I understand that you have a strong professional background in this line and you are very proud of your accomplishments, you need to understand that each university has specific professional and educational requirements that you have to fulfill. These are also the different reasons that you were attracted to the universities in the first place. Therefore, you will still need to mention each university name and discuss the varying reasons that set them apart from one another so that the reviewer can better understand why you chose these universities. These differences exist either in class form, training, or course syllabus. You will have to find those differences then discuss them. Sure the general objectives and outcome are the same for all the universities. How they achieve this type of training for their students is what creates the differences between their graduates and that is what you have to present in your essay. With 500 words, it will be a bit difficult to do. However, if you simply provide a professional ability discussion along with the reason you chose a specific university, then you will have more than an adequate number of words with which to discuss the essay. Remember, if all the universities offered the same learning experience, there would not be a need for you to pick 3 universities. So think about what advantage each university offers and highlight that in your essay.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS 2]Because of computers the life is easier and more convenient or just complex and stressful? [3]

Plamena, this being an IELTS essay, you are not allowed to present your opinion or present any opinion within the opening statement. You are only to present the discussion instruction as your thesis statement at the end. In fact, even your discussion paraphrase is in error because it offers information not included in the original topic description. Therefore, your statement presentation should have been:

The advent of computers has led some people to surmise that life has become simpler and more efficient. However, there are those who believe that the same technology has created a life of difficulty. In this essay, I will provide my own point of view regarding this matter and illustrate the discussion with relevant reasons and justifications.

My belief is that computers have made our lives easier because...

Using the above example, you can see the accuracy of the paraphrase along with the effective transition into your opinion, immediately followed by your justification. I don't really recommend that you use the numerical option for the transitions to the next paragraph. It would be better if you used actual simple or complex sentences to transition from the end of one paragraph to the beginning of the next because it allows for a better GRA scoring consideration.

Writing Feedback / More countries are opening their doors to welcome more tourist [5]

Ahmad, your opening paraphrase does not qualify as a complete paragraph. You rushed the presentation of the discussion topic and instructions. In order to gain a proper TA score, you must make sure that you are within the present parameters for the opening statement. Those parameters are:

1. An accurate restating of the discussion topic
2. An accurate explanation of what the discussion requirements of the essay prompt is / are.

Therefore, the correct paraphrase for your essay is:
As international tourism becomes more affordable, countries across the globe are welcoming international tourists. While there are benefits to be had due to this increase in international tourism, there are still some drawbacks presented. This essay will make a representative discussion of the benefits and drawbacks of international tourism.

While your discussion is acceptable, you neglected to properly close the essay as your concluding statement had additional information for the reader. A proper concluding sentence simply summarizes the previous discussion, without any additional information presented. This is a standard essay writing rule because the concluding paragraph does not offer the opportunity to build up the essay discussion any further.

Scholarship / Introducing myself in the KGSP application - trying to get into Korean school [3]

Your essay doesn't indicate your point of view about life (in relation to your relationship with your family) but it does address your hopes and wishes in a minor way. Develop that discussion to be more relevant informative. The education and work experience needs to be detailed in terms of your college education and any recognition or awards/honors received. Even your work experience falls short of the detailed narrative that this essay requires. While your motivation is good, the way you explained it is a bit confusing. As for your reasons for studying in Korea, your explanation is unacceptable as you have not shown the progression of your interest in Korean culture, society, education, etc in a manner that will prove that you could most likely adapt and perform in an acceptable manner as a student in Korea. Do yourself a favor, read the other KGSP letter of self-introduction essays that are available here. Read how they accomplished their letters and try to develop a letter that is similar in content and presentation. What you wrote here cannot be considered usable. It is just a draft copy and nothing more. You need to improve the aspects that I mentioned above as soon as you can.

Writing Feedback / Machine Are New Able To Do The Work Which People Used To Perform. What are the pros and cons [3]

Tai, you are not discussing an argument essay based on this topic. As far as the prompt is concerned, your opinion is not of importance in the discussion because that is not what you are being asked to present. Rather, the essay asks you to present information regarding the advantage and disadvantage of the increase in machines available to do jobs that people used to do. This is a mistake in the task accuracy portion and will result in a score of 1 because your response is not related to the task. There is no simple statement of the advantage and disadvantage of technology because you decided to approach the essay from a "discuss both sides and offer a personal opinion" format. That is the wrong format. Remember, the TA is the first element for scoring in the essay because it proves your ability to understand basic English instructions. Fail to properly assess and perform the instructions based on the given topic and you are definitely not going to pass the test. How can you pass when it is going to be painfully obvious to the examiner that you do not have the English comprehension skills to make it in an English speaking university?

Writing Feedback / More time and effort on improving the world now than it was in the past? [4]

Ching, your prompt is lacking the discussion instruction sentence. That is why I am finding it difficult to review this essay. Please make sure to post the complete and original prompt next time you come here for an essay review. I will be unable to properly study your essay without it. Your opening paragraph is not informative. It does not provide an accurate representation of the original prompt. It also neglects to inform the reader as to what kind of essay discussion you are going to present and why. Based upon the problems of your opening statement, I can tell that the TA score for this essay will not be enough to help it pass the test. When you do not get a high TA score, the rest of the scoring criteria is automatically scored on a lower scale as well. The errors of the TA carry over or spill over to the rest of the essay content. Hence, the final score is immediately lower than you would expect.

Additionally, you need to learn when you use terms such as "On the other hand". That is always placed at the start of the paragraph to indicate that you are making a comparison discussion of the the first opinion with this new, second opinion. Review some example essays here and note how they use these terms within. That should help you understand how to accurately use the term.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 : Death Penalty Abolition and Life Prison Applied [3]

Linh, even without the prompt requirement, I can offer you some serious advice regarding your grammar and coherence. You need to stop thinking in one language and then simply translating that thought into English. Your native language cannot be translated to English accurately. You must develop a proper and relevant translation of your message in English. Practice thinking in English to make that process second nature to you eventually. Right now, your sentence development is focused on using complex words rather than making understandable simple sentences. You do not need to use complex words when you cannot even write simple sentences yet. You are trying to run before you can walk in this case. None of the sentences that you wrote will be understandable to the native English reader / speaker. For example, I cannot figure out what you are referring to when you say; "Considering the immortality of the punishment in medieval era that has been abolished in modern world for example. " I am quite sure this is a transliteration on your part, which makes it even more difficult to understand. What makes sense in your language will be rubbish when translated to English.

Graduate / I will be a much more professional and reflective teacher after your program; Graduate admission [3]

Anthea, you lost sight of the actual topic for discussion in this essay. The actual discussion is: Tell us about a time when your worldview has informed and/or been challenged by working with children | youth. There is no point in your essay where you actually indicated that you interacted with students in such a manner. You claim to have worked as a Chinese ESL teacher but you lack any reference to actual work experience in the vein of the prompt requirement. What were your work problems that you realized you were not capable of dealing with? How did you manage such professional shortcomings on your part? It is by addressing these situations and the success of your solutions or the acceptance of your proposed solutions that you can prove you have the ability to grow as a reflective teacher. First write about the problem. Remove paragraphs 2 and 3. These are too long in presentation but do not help to move your essay along in the manner required. It creates a prompt deviation which doesn't help your presentation.

Undergraduate / Academic English - cannot enjoy writing anymore [4]

Adriana, remember that all sentences need to meet the subject-verb agreement requirement, your sentence that says, we can our previous thought with our current opinion. doesn't make any sense. Where is the verb in relation to the subject? Be conscious of the English writing rules such as the one I mentioned because those help to create properly represented sentence discussions. You also need to improve upon your use of connecting words and there is a problem with the way that you do not use a plural form where you have to. These are basic writing mistakes that often find corrections as you improve your writing skill over time. However, simply writing and writing isn't going to improve your skills. You need to make sure that you also read a lot of books, magazines, newspapers, and other essays in English. You learn to write better and develop your own writing style by reading the other writers. Take what you like from them style and incorporate it into your own. That will create your personal "writing style" in the long run. Remember, the key to writing well is not just writing practice, but learning from how those before you wrote as well.

Undergraduate / Reflective Essay that tells a story of who you [2]

Nathan, there is no catalyst nor reason for your story. At first, I thought this was a gender coming out story from the way that you presented certain aspects in relation to your relationship with your best friend and your family. Then it turns out it wasn't that at all. There is a lack of focus and direction in your story. You need to create an outline before you can finalize this essay. What is the point of your story? What are you trying to say? What are you trying to prove? List those down first. Then reflect on how your life events relate to those points. Figure out the highlights related to the topics you want to discuss then draft the essay. You don't have to use time markers like 7th grade or 8th grade. Just make sure that the flow of your story can be followed and understood. Chronological doesn't mean you need to count it down. Just that you have to make sure that the stories flow and transition into each section of the presentation in a smooth manner. Right now, the is sloppy, haphazard, choppy, and extremely difficult to follow. You need to rethink your topic. Make sure that you can discuss both sides in a connected manner rather than jumping around from scene to scene or grade to grade.

Scholarship / Personal Statement For KGSP. I need a help from who can help and review it. Tell me any editings. [3]

Ashraf, your motivation for studying Computer Science is weak. The first thing that you have to do is show that your motivation is because you are a forward thinker who hopes to make a difference in the computer industry of your home country. Talk about your dreams for yourself and your country in this part. Those are the 2 most important motivations that one can discuss. The reasons that you were motivated to try and study in Korea is alright but minimal in relevance.

The inspirational story of your brother inspiring you to enroll in a Computer Science course is an excellent touch. However, you need to indicate if he is an older brother, what year he is already in, and give examples of how he inspired and influenced your decision. Don't tell us, show us how he did it. If he is such a strong influencing factor in your life, then surely he has touched your life and inspired you in more ways than one.

Separate your family background in the paragraphs. Make a thorough representation of your parents, include your father in the discussion. If you not a complete family unit, then explain why that is so (divorced parent, deceased parent, etc.). Talk about their roots and where those roots have taken you as of today. More importantly, give examples of the life lessons your parents taught you and how you apply it to your daily life.

When you present your non-academic achievements, don't forget to inform the reviewer about what sport you are participating in. In fact, you should introduce the development of your interest in the sport (summarized form) if that is an extra curricular participation that you truly excel at.

You need to group your discussion paragraphs into relevant and related content. The inspiration of your brother and the inspiration of Dr. Soliman must be done in 2 successive paragraphs. Separate your motivation from the discussion about your mother. Another separate paragraph should refer only to your academic achievements alone. You should know where and how to best place the paragraphs within the essay for maximum effect. It needs to be cohesive in presentation.

Writing Feedback / Parent should not pressure their children to choose particular profession. [7]

Kei, your main problem is not the way that you express yourself in English. That is a minor problem when compared to your opening statement mistake. As you know, the opening statement is all about proving that you understand the English discussion and instructions enough that you are able to properly present your own explanation of the same in the first paragraph. The difficult part of that paragraph, is figuring out how to complete the paraphrase. Here is the thing, you need to present the paraphrase in such a manner that it is different enough from the original. How do you do that? By not using the same keywords from the original in the same position and manner in your paraphrasing. Your paraphrased paragraph is not different enough from the original to not be considered a paraphrase. As such, your score in the TA and GRA section of the test will be severely affected. Here is an example of a more accurate paraphrase of the topic:

When it comes to career choices, most parents try to influence their children's decision as to what career path he should follow. Based upon that belief, a number of people have come to realize that the freedom to choose what professional field a child wishes to work in is more preferable. I strongly agree with this belief and will explain why in the succeeding paragraphs.

You need to make your presentation original, while still keeping the essence of the original prompt in the presentation. I suggest that you review the other essays here that have the same problem as yours so that you can see how they managed to improve their writing in that area.

Scholarship / I truly want to explore Korea the best way possible - Scholarship essay [4]

Claire, you will need to delete this whole essay and write a new one for a number of reasons. The first reason, is that your motivation for study regarding the course and the reason you want to do it in Korea is not clear. Let's get one thing straight, if you want to become a lawyer in the future, then studying in the United States, where you will eventually have to attend law school and practice the profession in, would be the most logical choice. However, you are opting to study in Korea simply because you like the food and feel like you have a sense of respect for the people there. That is not a motivation for your desire to study there. It does not indicate an academic desire that will prove that a Korean education will suit your needs as a political science student. You need to discuss the politics of South Korea and how it has inspired you to become a lawyer if possible.

You have turned the rest of the essay into an extensive autobiography. Review the prompt requirements and respond to each prompt accordingly. You should not take more than a paragraph or two to accomplish the task. Right now, I feel like i should be asking your family members clarification questions regarding your statements. That should not be happening if you are properly responding to the prompt on a per topic basis.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL writing: Internet brought a load of information to its users [4]

Harold, while the body of the paragraphs responds to the essay, your paraphrasing does not properly reflect the original topic information. In fact, in your desire to use as many "big" English words as you could, you ended up writing a confusing hodge podge of information for the reader, who walked away from the first paragraph without any clear understanding of what the prompt discussion is all about and what opinion you are being asked to present in the essay. When your opening presentation is that confusing, you will be judged to not have truly understood the prompt and are just trying to get by by using complicated words that do not necessarily help to explain the point of your essay. You cannot impress the reviewer by the complexity of the English vocabulary that you have when you cannot even properly explain what the prompt requirements are.

Additionally, you provided two concluding paragraphs in the essay when only one is required. Both the terms "Finally" and "In conclusion" means the same thing, the end of the essay. However you did not really provide an actual concluding paragraph to the essay because you continued to discuss additional information in each paragraph. Thus, you left your essay open ended instead of concluded.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Should the past criminal record be presented to the jury? [3]

Tan, I can sense the effort that you placed into the development of your response for this essay. While the response that you gave is well developed and highly thought out, you did not present the required response to the prompt so you will score a 1 for this essay. The score of 1 for your essay is based on the fact that you decided to discuss an "extent" essay when this is a single opinion essay. As a single opinion essay, the only requirement is either you agree or disagree and then explain your response using supporting information and evidence. This essay could not have been mistaken for an "extent" essay because the prompt instruction was really straightforward, it asked if you "agree or disagree". Plain and simple. Nowhere in the essay discussion instruction were you asked about "to what EXTENT do you agree or disagree?" Do you see the difference between the two prompt instructions? That is where you found yourself confused. If you do not see the word "extent" in the discussion instruction, then there is no reason for you to partially discuss two points of view in this instance as there is no requirement for you to do that either. This error in prompt instruction comprehension is actually the reason that most IELTS test takers fail the test. I strongly suggest that you familiarize yourself with the various types of discussion instructions and how it is presented in the various practice tests here. It will help you to identify the proper discussion type for your next practice test so that you can discuss the topic in the proper manner.

Essays / "I was down with chicken pox" - obstacles/challenges essay [4]

Oloruntimilehin it seems that you did not post the full prompt that you are supposed to respond to. As such, I will have to hazard a guess as to how the discussion of this prompt should go. Therefore, unless there was a chicken pox epidemic in your community, this illness is not something that can be discussed on a community basis or show a relationship with the community. What is the obstacle that you plan to write about in relation to your having chicken pox and the community that you live in? When you think of an obstacle, you have to think in terms of something that prevented you from achieving something that you badly wanted to achieve. I am really not sure how you can connect the community to the illness that you had. What was the situation in the community at the time? Why would you consider having chicken pox an obstacle that related to the community? These are the questions you have to consider. If you find that you can't find any common connections, then that is not the topic that you should be writing about for this prompt. Perhaps it would be best if you thought of something less wide in scope. Focus on a smaller situation that involved you directly. Whatever that obstacle is, you should be able to provide an explanation of the challenge and how you were able to overcome it.

Book Reports / Character book review: "Only Time Will Tell" [2]

You have too many redundancies in the first paragraph. You use the full name of the lead character one too many times. You must show variation in your writing by using other third person pronouns other than the full name of the character himself. You can use the terms "He, Him, His" to describe the relationship of Harry to the other character in the story. There is also a repetition in the first 2 sentences regarding Harry being an English boy. Mention that only one time since that is all the reference that is needed at that point. Your in-text referencing is problematic in terms of format. What writing style are you being asked to use? Look up the proper referencing format for it online. The Owl at Purdue will be of a tremendous help to you in this instance. I suggest you look up their formatting guide so that you can have some assistance or examples of proper in-text citations for your particular writing format. I suggest that you try to include an element of a lesson learned from each character in this instance. That way your concluding paragraph with the additional explanations becomes more relevant and informative for the reader. It will help to properly conclude your story.

Undergraduate / Explain in detail what you aim to learn within your college of choice (APM/APS) / relation to future [3]

@KaitoNgx your essay is actually providing a non-answer to the prompt requirements. If you already know what your dream job is, then you would not have needed to be enlightened about it. the information that you provided regarding your choice of college does not show a clear understanding of the demands of the course requirements from this university. You need to start of with an explanation of your career plans. What career do you hope to truly participate in as a professional? Why did you opt to pursue that field? What is it about the APU College of International Management that you feel meets the demands that you have regarding your education in this field? Show the reviewer that you are familiar with the university beyond the blurbs that were written on their website, which somehow managed to make it into your response statement. Do more research on the college and how it relates to your plans then draft a new response statement. Don't discuss how you are interested in Japanese culture and traditions, languages and any other country specific information. You are not going on a tour of Japan, you are going there to get an education. Therefore, your response should be purely academic in tone and focus.

Scholarship / Student leader in the past, a compaany leader in the future. Chevening [2]

Rani, this is a tremendously weak essay that will not pass the first round of considerations for such a prestigious and demanding scholarship program. There is nothing in your essay that indicates that you can be a future leader and influencer in your country upon your completion of the course. In order to prove that you have actual leadership and influencing skills, you must first, indicate a full time job that requires you practice leadership and influencing skills. From the description that you gave, your job at the travel and tours company will not accomplish that. Neither will your job at the IT company or real estate business since you did not even try to discuss your position at those companies in the essay. The mere fact that you cannot mention the names of the companies will make your claims suspect in the eyes of the reviewer. The validity of your claims will be in question because you are not giving any verifiable information regarding the company names and your work descriptions in relation to your employment there.

The overall essay is not impressive and does not offer the kind of leadership and influencing skills that will have the reviewer impressed by your capacity as a leading professional in your field. I strongly recommend that you read the sample Chevening leadership and influencing essays that are available here for your reference and try to develop an essay along the lines of those examples or base your revised essay on the advice given to those scholarship applicants at the time. Believe me when I tell you that this essay will not even be considered by the reviewer after the first paragraph. I have helped a majority of Chevening applicants from this forum reach their final round of interviews and most of them get the scholarship.

Graduate / Public Health: A leap towards an NCD-free community [2]

Jumana, skip the reference to your being in Kindergarten and then and there deciding to be a doctor. You are not fooling anyone. The reviewers know a hyperbole when they read it and that will affect the consideration of your application. Why don't you think of a more relevant and mature time when you were influenced to become a doctor instead? That will make for a better introduction than the exaggerated kindergarten story you have here. Remember, reviewers do not like exaggerations in application essays and they often disregard such applicants. So just base your opening statement on humility and reality.

About the reference to ASG, if you did not manage to make a significant contribution to the company and the further development of the device or, if you did not create a new device that was patented, there is no sense in mentioning that. You need to prove that you have achievements on a personal level and merely working at the company as a rank and file employee doesn't accomplish that. Even the device is not connected to you in any way so it is best to not mention it at all.

Your participation in the 5-week pilot program doesn't tell me how you stood out from the team. What did you personally accomplish and what effect did it have on the participants of the program? Would you consider your participation to be an achievement? Why? elaborate more on yourself instead of the group participation because the group is not the one applying for admission.

Writing Feedback / It is important to know about events happening around the world, even if they won't affect you [4]

Sheanen, it is okay to be provocative if it will help your essay discussion. The problem is, your examples are too old to be of relevance in the current state of the world. In order to create a better understanding of the prompt discussion, you should have used more current information regarding world events. You should not use historical references as those are irrelevant already (China is now a world leader) and will be unknown to reviewer or already forgotten (The Euro crash would have been a better example as that is fairly recent). Therefore, your desire to be controversial backfired in this instance. Your examples are weak and hard to connect with the current events, which is what the essay wanted you to discuss. This is not about a history lesson, this is about your knowledge of current events and sadly, you failed to show that you are capable of referring to more appropriate and relevant discussions in relation to the prompt. That is the reason why you essay score could suffer, depending upon the smaller scoring considerations that the examiner may have.

Scholarship / Tapping into people's inherent motivation to be socially acceptable - A Chevening Essay [2]

Raisa, you do not need such an extensive back story for your response essay. In fact, it is not required at all. You only had to focus on the 3 universities and the courses that you chose in relation to specific situations in your workplace. You did not have to throw in the whole house in the discussion. Just the requirements of the prompt. Due to the extensive back story, you lost your chance to qualify for the scholarship.

The Chevening reviewer does not have the time to sift through all of this information before he gets to your highly non-informative university and course choices. You would have killed your scholarship application with the end of the first irrelevant paragraph, if the reviewer even bothered to read that far. When he realizes after the first 2-3 sentences that you are narrating a novel instead of responding to the prompt, he is going to trash this application and it all ends there. If you want to have a prayer of at least having a competitive opportunity at this scholarship, you will revise this essay.

Focus the immediate discussion on the university name, the choice of course, and the reason why that is relevant to your line of work. Additionally, inform the reviewer as to how your current profession has prepared you to succeed in completing this course of study. Do that 2 more times for the remaining universities and your essay will be well within the prompt requirements and competitive opportunity that you are seeking as a scholarship applicant.

Writing Feedback / Sporting events can control people's tensions internationally and national feelings [5]

Maryam, this essay that you wrote was to have been completed based on the following prompt discussion instruction: Do you agree or disagree? As such the paraphrased prompt should have shown a restatement of the topic plus a simple agreement or disagreement with the given statement. You did not provide such an opinion as your thesis statement for this essay and as such, discussed the essay in a completely different manner. That means the only score that this essay can garner you, had this been an actual test, would have been a 1. That score shows a clear lack of understanding of the prompt discussion requirements, which translates into an inability to understand English instructions. Why did that happen? What was the score based on? Simply put, your response was completely unrelated to the task that you were asked to discuss. If you were given a set of instructions for an experiment and you did not follow it because you did not understand the instructions, what do you think would happen? Exactly. That is the disaster that was created by your essay. The mere fact that you failed to pass the TA scoring portion immediately kills all chances of you passing this test.

Undergraduate / Tell us about who you are. UBC Personal Profile Question - Admission Essay [3]

Shirley, since you did not actually achieve anything of remarkable importance as a fledgling figure skater, the reviewer will wonder why you chose to use that to describe an accomplishment. Simply being able to keep up with the beginners and advancing in skills not a notable accomplishment, which is what the prompt requires. You need to present an accomplishment or achievement that will tell the reviewer something about your persistence in reference to your personality trait. The persistence needs to translate into some sort of success on your end in some field, not necessarily skating. Perhaps there is another activity that you are engaged in that you have notable accomplishments in? Use that instead. Even if it is only a story about having a hard time in class but then coming out as the top student that semester will provide an accomplishment to the "persistence" reference that the reviewer can use to gauge the type of student you might be. Remember, you need to prove that you can succeed as a college student so you need to show success early on either in your academic or personal life. This essay just doesn't provide that information so it should not be the essay that you use to respond to this prompt.

Scholarship / Chevening leadership and influence. "I's a skill I have shown and developed throughout my life" [2]

Paula, to be blunt about it, the reviewer has absolutely no interest in your college exploits. Those are irrelevant as the prompt is not asking for your academic achievement history, which is what you wrote. He will read the first few lines of your response and then trash your essay because it would be a waste of his valuable time to read the content. There is nothing in this essay that depicts the kind of professional leader that you are.

As a future leader of the country, you are not supposed to embody academic excellence alone. That is irrelevant. You need to portray your ability to lead and influence the decision making process in your line of work. As a long working professional who probably has a leadership title in the office such as a supervisor, team leader, division chief, project manager, etc. you must have been faced with serious and career altering decisions that required you to show a leadership skill in terms of team cooperation and influencing skills in the form of inspiring the team towards success.

The other applicants will have job titles that immediately reveal a self-explanatory leadership and influencing role and they will narrate a leadership and influencing scenario in their line of work that they successfully dealt with. Your essay cannot compete on that level because it is solely academic in nature, regardless of the accolades and recognition that you received. It does not work the purpose it was intended. Focus on your professional leadership and influencing skills when you write the new essay. There is absolutely no chance of revising this version into a usable form in terms of the prompt expectations.

Undergraduate / I believe Georgia Tech is a prestigious university for its innovative education learning styles [4]

Ayush, what is the prompt that you are responding to and how many words or characters are allowed? The response that you gave doesn't illustrate a specific prompt response as your essay is making generalized references to Georgia Tech. You need to focus on a specific program, in relation to your major and then craft an accurate response. The statement that you provided tells me that you are limited in the length of your response. However, the limit on the response should not result in seemingly non-answers that do not make any solid reference to your chosen major, the training it requires, and why Georgia Tech was the university that you settled on.

The reason that I cannot offer you a more solid response and review of your work is simple, you did not give me the instructions or a copy of the prompt that you are responding to. Hence, I am unable to review your essay for responsiveness and clarity. Sadly, I cannot give you a second review even if you supplied me with the prompt now. So you just wasted your chance to get a proper assessment for your essay. Please remember to post the prompt along with the response next time.

Writing Feedback / Autobiographical essay without using first person English 1301 [4]

Rob, in the first paragraph, you have made a very big blunder. You mentioned that you were born to a father and you provided the father's name. What is missing from that presentation? Right... You forgot to mention who gave birth to you! What is your mother's name? The correct term is "Born to Bob and (name of mother) Roberts, the family was stationed at... You should also mention the name of the siblings in the opening paragraph. Anytime you make a reference to a person, you need to provide a name. That helps to complete the introduction of your nucleus family to the reader.

You have numerous punctuation and capitalization errors in the essay. Review it. The capitalization errors are easy to spot. Any proper noun needs to be capitalized and the start of every sentence is also capitalized. You do not suddenly use a capital letter A in the middle of the sentence. However, the "I" personal pronouns need to be capitalized.

The story about the sister is incomplete as it focuses on the actions of your mother after the diagnosis. Explain how the illness affected you, aside from getting pulled out of school and rebelling because of it. What did you learn from that portion of your life and how do you carry those effects to present day? Additonally, it would be advisable to use your mother's proper name in the essay in order to get around the first person ruling but still give the reader an interesting presentation of your mother's story.

Scholarship / Four points of the Personal Statement for UGRAD Exchange program (250 word limit) [3]

Muhammad, there is no reference to your personality in the essay. The story about your dad would have been relevant if you used to to depict the kind of personality that you developed because of having to deal with such a serious illness at that age. Come to think of it, scratch that. Don't use a 6 year old self reference because the essay is asking you to describe your interests and personality as of today. The present time. The person you were at the age of 6 and the illness of your father is irrelevant to the prompt requirements. Since there is nothing about the illness that depicted a personality development that affected who you are today, the reference lacks importance.

There is no clear reference to a field of interest that you will want to participate in as a UGrad scholar. Since that is a specific part of the prompt requirements, I suggest that you respond in a relevant manner. You mentioned some interests in your closing statement. What we need is for a specific field of interest and reference discussion to be created earlier in the essay. In order to address the prompt requirement.

You forgot to mention your goals. Why do you want to pursue this line of study and why is it important to you? In terms of personal development, is there a connection between that field of study and who you want to be, either personally or professionally in the future? The prompt asks for that information so you better deliver it.

Your reason for studying in the US is also vague it needs to be clearer. While it is good for your application that you mentioned an interest in going back to Pakistan, the reason why you want to study in the US needs to be better developed. It is barely touched upon in this essay.

Basically, this essay is not UGrad material. You need to revise your content to better suit the prompt requirements. Write a totally new essay. This one is useless in terms of your applications.

Writing Feedback / Should noise be controlled? [4]

Cheng, next time you post an essay for review, please remember to post the complete and original prompt along with it. That will help me to better assess the compatibility of your responses with the requirements of the prompt and the given instructions. At this point, I cannot tell if you are properly discussing this essay or not so I will just stick to general observations this time around.

For starters, please be cognizant of your spelling. There are a number of times in this essay when you misspelled words such as noise - noice and offense as offence. I have to also call your attention to the scattered manner of discussion that you present in this essay. At some points, you seem to be discussing opinions regarding noise then suddenly, I find myself reading about the advantage of noise in our society. Your thought process is not clearly presented throughout the essay. That is what caused the contradictory discussions and unfocused paragraph discussion points. This is truly a terribly written essay, and I am saying that without even knowing what the actual prompt you are responding to is.

As of this moment, I cannot offer any guidelines to help you improve your writing skills because I do not really know what prompt you are responding to. So the method of directing your essay writing skills is difficult to pinpoint. Hopefully you will present me with the original prompt requirement when you post your next essay. I will be able to better advise you about your problem points when that time comes.

Writing Feedback / Luck is nessesary aspect to achive a dream goal [3]

Nguyen, this is an extent essay and as such, it is normally discussed coming from only one point of view. However, your overall essay opts to discuss both points of view to a certain extent. So, while your discussion was not in error, your opening paraphrase was presented in the wrong manner. In order to be allowed to discuss both points of view in an extent essay, your prompt must be something similar to the following:

Some people believe that luck does not play a role when it comes to a person achieving his objectives in life. Others believe that luck is is the only factor that determines whether a person achieves his dreams or not. I tend to partially agree with these statements for a number of reasons.

When you use the term "partially" that gives you the opportunity to address both sides of the discussion while also providing an "extent" response. Now, since this essay is only to be told from your point of view, there is no reason for you to state "in my opinion" as that is already a given in the discussion format.

I would not advice you to use numerical referencing in your paragraphs (firstly, secondly) if you are not going to use it consistently throughout the essay. You create a referencing problem because the numbers are supposed to help you differentiate between paragraphs. If you use it only once, the reader will easily get confused and find himself struggling to suddenly separate the discussions you presented.

Your concluding sentence counters the requirements for a complete paragraph presentation. Don't use one long sentence because you are trying to present short but complex LR and GRA skills. It is always advisable to present at least 3 sentences per paragraph in order to meet that requirement. You have an opportunity to show off your English skills in a more admirable manner when you present your discussion in that method.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS writing task 1] Line graph: spread consumption [3]

Giang, I think this essay will score no more than a 5 in an actual test. A score of 5 indicates that you only have a superficial review and presentation of the information provided. You did not do a deeper analysis of the line graph in order to come up with a more intricate and informative presentation. There is a limited vocabulary range on your part which resulted in confusing sentence structures. This affected your C&C and GRA scores because the length of your paragraphs are inconsistent. Sometimes you have only 2 sentences, which doesn't qualify as a paragraph and sometimes, you have 3 sentences which qualifies as a paragraph at the minimum sentence requirement. You need to try and write at least 5 sentences per paragraph in order to develop an intricate and analytical presentation of the information and also, allow yourself the opportunity to develop complex sentence presentations.

The summary overview that you wrote contains actual information dissemination coming from the line graph. It seems that you did not remember that the summary overview only outline the discussion and presents certain key information from the graph that will be the basis of the body of paragraphs discussion. In this version, you tried to present a trending sentence that accidentally informed the reader of information that needed to be developed and presented as a part of a complete paragraph rather than as mere information bits in the opening summary.

When you analyze these graphs, look for the overlapping and similar comparison points for presentation. I found that there were 4 overlapping points that created the basis of a discussion pertaining to similar consumption of spreads during specific years. Little details like that help to increase your overall score because you proved that you studied the graph in a comprehensive manner.

Graduate / Master of Science in Human Resource Management - Statement of Purpose [2]

Navjotkaur, your essay is too wordy to the point where it gets exhausting to read it. Are you trying to write a novel? A properly developed Statement of Purpose is accomplished within 750 words that responds to the following questions:

1. What is your current employment standing and how does it relate to your interest in this masters degree?
2. Based upon your college education, what classes, internships, or training / seminars have prepared you to excel in this field?
3. Bearing in mind your current professional standing, what are the major problems (related to your profession) that you hope to resolve through this study?
4. Are you planning to address these problems in your thesis? If so, give an overview of what your thesis proposal will be.
5. What is your 5 year career plan and how does completing your studies at XXX university fit into the plan?

While your current version is highly informative, there is such a thing as being overly informative to the point of presenting irrelevant information. Sadly, that is what happened in this essay. You were hyperfocused on making sure that you listed all of your credentials that you forgot to consider its relevance to a masters degree course. You need to whittle the essay down to a manageable and informative discussion. Hopefully, the guidelines I set for you can help you do that. That is, unless you are responding to specific SOP questions from the university. In which case, you need to learn to shorten your responses in order to keep the reviewer interested in the essay and getting to know you.

Undergraduate / To Complete a Masterpiece (CommonApp Essay) [5]

Fairuz, the essay that you wrote is more applicable towards the background, identity, or interest prompt rather than this obstacle prompt. The prompt is asking you to relate a character building incident from your life that helped you learn the value of hard work in relation to success. The essay that you wrote doesn't exactly fulfill that requirement because it is about an activity that you do alone, which does not require you to accomplish anything else other than paint. Having a mental block that prevents you from painting is far more different from being faced with an obstacle that truly prevents you from achieving a dream, ambition, or goal in life. What you related does not represent any sort of obstacle that would have taught you a valuable life lesson during a character building moment. The way I see it, you have two choices, either change the prompt to suit the essay or, write a totally new, more relevant essay so that you can retain the prompt that you have chosen to use for your application. Personally, I would just change the prompt. That is a lot easier than changing the essay.

Scholarship / Essay about the Chevening leadership question: is this progression right? [4]

Arthur, don't present the essay this way. The reviewer is not looking for a textbook definition of leadership and how you embody those traits as per a newspaper article. Throw that out. You will only irritate the reviewer because half the time, you are boasting (even though you say you are not) without accurately developing your leadership experiences. That will tell the reviewer that you most likely are being only half truthful about what your essay is narrating You don't just offer overviews of your leadership experiences, you have to show the reviewer how you function as a leader. You don't imply that you are an influencer, you show instances of actual problems that required you to actually influence people.

You may provide 2 instances as examples in the essay to prove you qualities. The first instance, is an expanded leadership description and the second, is an influencing experience. Divide the essay word count into 2 and use half for each scenario that you need to fully depict. Indicate the problem, how your staff was trying to solve the problem, the solution you thought of, the process that it took to get approval for your solution idea, then relate how you managed to influence your staff into believing that your way was the right way. At the end of the essay, you need to prove that your solution and the inspiration you provided your staff resulted in a successful implementation of the solution and the completion of the project. You need to show a thoroughly developed discussion of your embodiment of a future leader and influencer in your country.

At the end of the essay, you can provide your own definition of leadership and influencing based upon the social norms and business practices in your country. That would be more effective than a newspaper article definition that you hope to fit yourself into the description of. The leaders and influencers of your country should be unique in function because of the special qualities of your country. Look for that definition instead and explain as to why the experiences you had and the definition of leadership and influencing in your country, based upon your actions, would assure your countrymen that you are indeed a future leader and influential figure.

You don't have to define it to the reviewer because he already knows what qualities make a leader and by doing this step by step explanation of how you fit the definition, it would come across to him as you lecturing him when he knows far more and better than you do as to what a Chevening leader should be embodying in terms of abilities and character traits.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2-permit students to freely choose any subject [2]

Ngan, there is absolutely no way that you can score higher than a 4 with this essay because you did not follow the prompt requirements. For starters, there is no "growing popular idea" referred to in the original prompt. There is an "idea" coming from "some people" and that is what you should have reflected in the discussion topic. Do not put information into the essay that is not in the original prompt. You will be scored down in terms of Task Accuracy for even the slightest prompt and topic deviation. The correct paraphrase should have represented the given topic an discussion outline as follows:

When it comes to university education, there are 2 types of opinions regarding what a college student should be studying. The first opinion, is that the students should be allowed to study any course that appeals to them. They should be allowed to study only subjects that interest them. The second opinion, is that the university should only allow students to study science and technology which are subjects that will be needed in the future. In this essay, I will provide an expanded discussion of both points of view along with my personal point of view regarding the two opinions.

The above is an impressive example of a properly paraphrased prompt that uses complex sentences and vital synonyms representative of the original keywords. That is how your proper paraphrasing should look in the future. Now, let's move on to the bigger problem of your essay. The fact that you did not properly discuss the topic based upon the instructions provided to you.

You were instructed to discuss both points of view prior to your personal opinion. Instead, you took ownership of the whole discussion from the start and made it clear that you were discussing only your personal opinion from the get-go. This prompt deviation led to the score of 4 because you responded only partially to the task. Of the 3 discussions you were to present, you only presented one in the form of your personal opinion. That error in prompt discussion caused you to fail this test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Early job to pay for retirement [2]

Sarah, you just got a score of 1 in this essay. Your response is completely unrelated to the task provided by the prompt. You were given a specific instruction. Discuss whether the proposal of having people start working at a younger age is a positive or negative development. You were not being asked for the "extent of your agreement or disagreement with the given statement." Since obviously did not understand the instructions for the discussion, the examiner will have no choice but to fail you in the Task Accuracy section. Once you fail the TA section, you have failed the whole test. Notice how you were supposed to choose either a positive or negative discussion for the essay but instead, you are presenting justifications for a personal opinion. That is not the requirement of the essay. As such, your work in the remaining sections (LR, C&C, GRA) will not longer be considered. Since you gave a wrong response from the very start, it would be useless to assess your remaining abilities because they do not represent the prompt discussion requirements. Make sure you understand the required discussion format before you start to draft your response. Ask for explanations if you are not sure about how to approach the essay discussion. I hope to see an improvement in this portion of your next practice essay.

Writing Feedback / A descriptive paragraph about a place that makes you feel safe/happy [3]

Hang, your creative writing attempt is too one dimensional. What I mean by one dimensional is that you had only one focus throughout the essay which did not really engage the reader because it did not require all of the human senses to be engaged. A truly effective descriptive essay would take advantage of the sights, sounds, smells, and other unique aspects of the place that makes you feel safe. Each description needs to tie into a reason otherwise, you are not really explaining why the living room of your house is a safe zone for you. I learned what your living room looks like. In fact, I even learned about the description of your house. Yet, when it comes to the reasons why you feel safe in this place, I cannot find a strong reason why you would say that. You are not describing a safe place, you describing a place where you relax. A safe place is different from a relaxing place. While it might sound the same in purpose, the emotional and physical differences between the word safe and relax are what set the descriptive essays for each apart. So, regardless of the grammatical and punctuation problems in your essay, those are minor problems compared to the big problem of you not properly responding to the prompt. The prompt asks you to describe a safe place, not a place where you relax. You have to understand what the prompt is asking for and respond to it properly before you can even begin to draft your essay response. In this essay, you used 2 descriptive terms in the title, each of which is different in approach. So you need to make sure that you are responding to the correct essay prompt. Which is it? A place where you feel safe? A place that makes you happy? Or a place where you can relax? Note that for each prompt, a different essay presentation approach will be required for the discussion.

Writing Feedback / Creating Job Satisfaction for All Workers - IELTS Writing Task 2 Academic Essay [5]

Aulia, as I mentioned to you in your previous essays, you have a problem with accurately repeating the prompt requirement in your own understanding. You are always including information that does not come from the original prompt. In order to gain a proper and high task accuracy score, you need to present a paraphrasing that is in line with the original prompt at all times. In your opening statement, you started an immediate discussion of the prompt requirement and offered information not included in the original prompt. As much as as possible, you must always use keywords from the original prompt in order to create the impression that you understood what the discussion presented to you was. Therefore:

There is an ongoing discussion as to the importance of job satisfaction in relation to individual wellbeing. Since most people spend their adult lives in the workplace, there is a question as to what factors are relevant to job satisfaction. Additionally, there is a question as to whether or not these job satisfaction expectations are realistic for all employees. This essay will try to shed light on this discussion and respond to the given questions.

Using the above example, only accurate information provided in the original prompt is shared while being given an original presentation using my own understanding of the prompt. It also creates a discussion outline, which is very important for the cohesiveness of the essay discussion in the body paragraphs.

You are prone to discussing too many reasons in one paragraph. Though these reasons may be related to one another, it does not erase the fact that each reason must be fully explained in every paragraph. That is why you have to limit yourself to only one reason per paragraph. When you discuss 2 or 3 reasons, as you do in this essay, it affects your cohesiveness and coherence score because you do not present properly developed paragraphs and explanations.

Your conclusion is irrelevant. It does not repeat the prompt discussion, the reasons you gave, and the validity of the expectation of job satisfaction in the workplace. Your essay is good in some parts, but bad where it counts so the score you will get for this essay in an actual setting may not be as high as you would hope it could be.