Undergraduate / Common app-elaborate on one of your activities, "to understand the material [12]

All I would change is this:

My passion has always involved helping others.

Well done! This is concise and clear.

Undergraduate / I finally became the "American" - Michigan-Describe a setback Essay [3]

Thanks joshua for helping jusanglee!!

I could not understand a thing, and I had been expecting that, but it had influenced my social life.

It is good to write numbers as words in formal essays:

Also, I memorized thirty or more vocabulary words at home every day and studied grammar with my cousin who was fluent in English.

Because of that, I put my interest in sports especially in basketball, which helped me learn American sports and also seemed to help me get taller. I was happy when I found out that I was actually doing well adapting to the new culture.

Nice job!! You write very well now, so you must be good at learning languages!

Writing Feedback / "George Richman" - need revision help on writing a narrative [3]

During one summer day, Rich City was blooming with beauty. The trees are fully grown, everything is green, the breeze of air is so unforgettably pleasant, people on the street seemed to be joyful, and the pleasant atmosphere...

Other than that, I just want to mention that you should go through and try to make the tenses all consistent. Don't start a paragraph in the present verb tense and then switch to the past tense.

Good luck, cool story!!

Writing Feedback / Essay on the Greate Gatsby novel [4]

...and he also provides a contradictory view: "The whole town is desolate.

You can take out the word "moreover" at the start of paragraph 2:

Characters are examined by contrasting the main characters for pleasant and unpleasant views.

Paragraph 3, put a comma after "Moreover," like this:

Moreover, major events are contrasted

Good job with all the work you put into this!!!!

Undergraduate / princeton my last two summers [3]

It is all great, except I'm not sure about this last part:

On my own, I prefer experiencing...

How about:

When I have the option, I prefer experiencing...

or:

I am ambitious about my experiences, in the sense that I prefer experiencing...

Good luck!!!!

Undergraduate / "Imagine a room" - CommonAPP essay [13]

Give this some adjective, at least one:

Imagine a room.

You can say,

Imagine a quiet room, small but spacious.
Give it a door, some windows, and a black wooden study table...

How could he portray through an anecdote what that shirt represents? He grew older in it, transitioning from a happy-go-lucky teenager into a mature human being. The lessons he learnt in that very shirt, how achievements did not bring lasting happiness, friends did. Even if he put every memory, or part of a single memory onto paper, he still would not be able to extract the same empathy he felt while writing it.

He still sits there. With his paper placed firmly on the table, pencil sharpened, trying to sum up his life in 500 words or less.

I don't know, I have to say that I think this essay is actually GREAT about "showing rather than telling," and in fact you go as far as to prompt the reader to envision a room and that black, wooden study table. I like it! And, I like the use of the 3rd person tense. It is interesting that different readers have such contradictory opinions about it!!! I think you will do well.

:)

Undergraduate / Georgetown "Why Georgetown" Essay needs help [4]

Well, let's thread it together with the physician theme:

As a High school senior with aspirations to one day become a physician, I have to choose the finest school that fits me intellectually and personally.

Now, for the last paragraph: you can add one sentence to the beginning of it and one sentence to the end. You have to choose the sentences, but I think they can serve to reinforce the strong affirmation that you will succeed in premed studies and that you will succeed in med school, and it is because of the empowerment you will receive from Georgetown.

Undergraduate / BU essays (School of Management) [7]

This image of the boy scratching out letters is powerful. Perhaps it deserves a little more description:

He was completely engrossed in his letters, which he was practicing without the help of any teacher.

Awesome, it would be great if you can mention him again at the end.

Undergraduate / NUS application's essay (Mid-Autumn Festival, a Vietnamese festival) [4]

Well, it is no surprise that you can write in a meaningful way, because even though your English is not perfect, the fact that you are bilingual gives you special perspective on language. I wish I was bilingual! Maybe someday...

Undergraduate / Common App essay---achievement on multiculture club [3]

Commas: Serious topics, like atomic physics or medieval art styles, were usually...

Also:

They laughed at our outdated dressing and called us various derogatory names.

Wow, I like the theme of this essay! Like Sean said, it is a good topic.

Undergraduate / "the tendency to assume leadership" - NYU supplement [3]

For the first one, check out this for inspiration:
webtools.delmarlearning.com/sample_chapters/076682536 1_ch01.pdf

For this part, I took out the word "other":

I would choose any Chinese hymn that I sing in church. I am a terribly off-key singer and songs like these that are suited for the masses would be appropriate. The lyrics of the song speak of how we are supposed to follow and trust God for he knows what is best for us. I believe so and would like to share my faith with non-believers . I may not be able to sing the song as well as some of the other contestants but I believe that my faith would make the song pleasing to the audience.

This, above, is such a smart and intriguing way to answer the prompt!! You show humility, passion, and fearlessness all at the same time. I am impressed!!

I have always been interested in Mathematics as I crave the challenges that a tough problem brings. That, coupled with the knowledge of statistics that I recently learnt, is evidence of math's useful and very practical applications...

Undergraduate / Getting brain dead on the Champaign essays [3]

Try starting like this:

I have always been a passionate drawer and painter.

or:

I have always had interest in and aptitude for creating visual art.


I understand what you mean!! It feels sometimes like our mental energy gets depleted after too much writing. Look at it again when you are refreshed. For each essay, ask yourself what meaningful truth -- not just about you, but about life -- is being captured in this essay. An essay can be about two things at once: Your interests/activities AND some meaningful truth about the value of visual art.

In your case, you have been working with visual art for a long time, so you also have a theme of "finding your calling" early in life. You were born for it, it seems. You can try adding a meaningful sentence to the beginning and end of the esays you choose to send.

:)

Undergraduate / an intellectually stimulating environment - Chicago Essays [4]

Yes, they do indeed hold my interest! That is hard to do with this sort of writing.

This was the result of the clear skies providing the sun with opportunity to beat down mercilessly upon the Savannah grassland. The sight of vast emptiness contrasted disappointingly against what I had imagined it would be and fell short of my expectations for the experience of witnessing a vibrant thriving ecosystem.

Add a comma here:

With the top-notch, holistic education in Chicago, I am confident that my desires and wishes will come true.

Undergraduate / Williams College Supplement about Looking through a window - ideas needed [5]

Wow, that is a cool discussion prompt. I suggest sitting down at your computer with a few novels by Stephen King or Dean Koontz, and read their masterful descriptions of scenes. You will get ideas from your own life, and you will start thinking with the rhythmic use of language that they use, the unfolding of imagery, the drum of syllables, with a scene taking form in the mind of the reader exactly according to the words you choose.

And who might be the person looking in the window on your life? Is the watcher standing on the outside, looking in? You can be very creative with this one!

Undergraduate / CALS (committed to the improvement of life) - review and advice [7]

Hi, I think you should remove the word flamboyant," and replace it with something better. "Flamboyant" can have negative connotations.

In addition to Sean's corrections, I suggest you change this:

I believe that need is the mother of invention.

The old saying is that "Necessity is the mother of invention." You can quote Plato, who is the one that came up with that phrase, in his Republic.

quotationspage.com/quote/33942.html

Undergraduate / UIUC essay - "the best clarinetist" [3]

How about using two different paragraphs? That would make it like two little essays. The second paragraph can start with: At first, it took me a while...

Undergraduate / Upenn Essays - the courses of study that most interest me [6]

Penn's strong tradition and focus on enterprise, innovation and leadership strike me as well.

As Penn emphasizes the importance of having a diverse student body, it would be ideal for people of different races and cultures to come together as one and strive towards a common goal.

Great job! For that first essay, you still have lots of characters left. How abou a few sentences about what you will do with your knowledge of economics growth and population dynamics, Malthus' population-resource theory... what will you do after college? What drives you onward toward the achievement of your goals.

Undergraduate / Recalling three years that have passed. Personal essay on volunteer experience! [8]

Hi Amy! If you are going to make changes, leave this part in:

Laughter echoed endlessly in the open air, and a grin spread across every single face.

That is a COOL sentence!

Instead of "Hardly could I figure out..." write "I could hardly figure out.."

The ending is great -- interesting and meaningful. I like the advice that Sean, John, and Koby24 gave: a little less story and a little more reflection about what it all means; a little less verbosity, but don't lose any of the cool, poetic rhythm with which you write.

Undergraduate / [BYU] What to write in a brief biography? [6]

Yes, and try to make sure there is a "moral to the story," some meaningful truth or life knowledge that came from your personal story.

What is the meaning of YOUR life?

Undergraduate / Penn supplement -- (Wharton should be a good fit for me) [7]

Here is a small improvement:

Of course, it is not only true that Wharton will be a good fit for me, but also that I will be a good fit for Wharton.

You answered the prompt very clearly and well. Now, why does it seem incomplete? These essays often seem incomplete... you need to make it a single, powerful communication by using a unifying theme. It would be good, since you are going to work some more on it, if you go through and jot down a list of all the different ideas you present in these paragraphs, and see what themes emerge. At the end, it is good to refer back to something from the beginning, to give closure...

Undergraduate / Common Apps Short Question- 'A community service experience' [10]


What does "cum" signify here? It it a typo? Or, if it is a proper noun maybe it should be capitalized?

Good luck!!!

:)

Research Papers / "The world is changing" - this is my senior research paper [2]

The world is changing; there is no denying that.

Political issues like abortion and gay rights have been heavily affected by politicians ' religious view and religious leaders. Religion's effect is even great within the education system...

Every issue that occurs in politics will be influenced by religion in some way--issues ranging from gay rights to the war over seas. Religion has had an effect, but religion also has effects on other things besides politics.

Good luck with this senior paper!!

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement Short Essay, Johns Hopkins essay [4]

I wrote everyday, but did not realize what an amazing world there was behind what I was writing until one day I saw a piece of work created by a local calligraphist.

It says HORSE, one single character on a blank sheet of paper, yet I sensed an inspiring spirit beyond the simple word.

I love the job of writing for a newspaper. I enjoy running...

For the same reason, I do not have the clear outlook on my future, and I am not yet able to foresee...

Nice job on these! Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / "Now you even brag in English" - ComApp short answer on Activity [7]

The most conspicuous disadvantage of living in a non-speaking English country was that there were few chances for real life application of all that I learned.

I lacked confidence at the beginning; I feared that people would ridicule
Gradually, I became accustomed to handling this sophisticated tool and words just jumped off of my tongue fluently and naturally.

A close friend of mine, who joined these useful sessions after my recommendation, was surprised at how articulately I could use English. She told me one day, "Oh such a disaster! Now you even brag in English."

Excellent! That is a great ending.

:)

Undergraduate / 'workload and competitiveness' - My intellectual interest- Cornell University [3]

My passion for biology was something that I was surprised to discovered about myself.

Thus, greater appreciation and understanding for the complexity and delicateness of life and nature instills in me.

From her story, I describe her experience as a rollercoaster ride. Heavy workloads and competitiveness are big parts of student life, yet students know when to socialize and develop lasting friendships.

Great job! You write very well in English. I would not have suspected that you are an ESL student. If you could mention in this essay something about your process of learning English, the reader will be doubly impressed, because you write better than many native speakers of English. But.. just mention somewhere - do not write a whole paragraph about it.

Undergraduate / "My vacation of 2007" - Princeton Supplemental Essay [8]

This part might be offensive to some people. Better to be safe and get rid of it... besides, it is a cliche:

This sport is very popular in the UAE, where the summer can be miserably hot, and doing icy sport in a desert city is such a blessing.

The trip was fun; we rafted along the 9-straits river, climbed the Roaring Tiger Mountain, viewed the thread-of-sky and so much more.

I was surprised that after living in two different countries, I was able to learn so much more by considering everything from two different perspectives.

You have such an interesting life!! Most of us just stay in one country and let the time pass by...

:)

Undergraduate / Additional Info - explaining extenuating circumstances [4]

Yes, it is great to explain those mid term marks here. And as Sean said, it is good to eliminate all unnecessary phrases and sentences... stay totally focused on the purpose.

I hope this creates a clearer picture and explains the circumstances that led to these scores, which do not accurately reflect my aptitude and seriousness...

You will do very well! Your writing shows your intelligence.

Undergraduate / 'Middle School Cross Country / Sisters bed / 2-D art' - 3 essays [6]

Oh!! Great idea! But cut it off the beginning and put it at the end!!

I don't have time to look around at the trees, some just a few years old and others ancient. I don't have time to dwell on the fallen leaves covering the ground to the side of the dirt path, creating a rainbow to blanket the ground in deep reds, fading greens, and darkening browns. As I run I don't notice the shadow mimicking my every move nor do I notice the shapes of the shadows that I leave in clouds of dust raised just seconds before by the steady fall of my feet. As John Stilgoe says, "Outside lies Magic" and in my life this stands true. I relish the burning in my legs as I race towards the finish line, never looking back.

Undergraduate / GMU essay, freshman applicant [8]

Yes! I like how you create uncertainty for the reader by posing the question: "What do you like to do the most?"

It woulod be good to refer back to that at the end of the essay.

:)

Undergraduate / visiting the MINDs school - Common app short question [5]

Maybe you could write: "I am pleased to have had the opportunity..."

However, it's not good to say "have" and "had" too much. When you write "have" done this and "had" done that, it is not quite as good as just using the past tense, like this:

These children taught me that I can be...

Instead of, "these children have taught..."

Undergraduate / "a small city named Homes" essay, need suggestions [2]

Growing up in Homes, [where is Homes? name of state/country], I finished high school and was forced to enter one and only university that accommodated my interests. But now finally I found myself in a completely new world.

I found in Lehigh University what I was looking for. I spent four years in my college learning to become a civil engineer but not socialite.

I consider myself a new person after coming to the United States. I am not only convinced ...

Keep practicing your writing, and keep reading lots of books written in English. You still have many errors in your writing, but your high intelligence is easy to notice. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Georgetown "Why Georgetown" Essay needs help [4]

Throughout my high school career, I thought it was going to be an easy task. I thought that all I had to do was go to Collegeboard.com and that they would choose the perfect school for me.

Perhaps you should get rid of "as I pointed out earlier," and write:

Empowered by my biology major, I plan to be biology major. My short-term career goal is to...

When I was looking at colleges, I never really thought of Georgetown, but then I came across these words: "Don't become so focused on the goal that you miss the journey."

For the ending, you should wrap the essay up by mentioning something from the beginning, such as Collegeboard.com. I can't decide exactly what to write for you, but I suggest that you come full circle and refer back to the stuff from the beginning -- a good strategy for most essays.

:)

Undergraduate / Carleton "Why are u interested in Carleton and how did it develop "essay [3]

They are under the "What's Inside?" title with one apple being pealed; they are in the hand of Jenny Wahl, the economics professor, who was laughing...

On page 10 of the viewbook it says, "The apple has symbolized many things such as sin and temptation, education and teaching, health and life, and New York City."

This next sentence does not seem necessary:

I thought for a while. Other than those specialties that relate the apple with Carleton, what other distinctive characters do apples have?

I also remembered that the first time I read about the story of the "Carleton Camaraderie" in which students kept looking at their watches and in the end invited their professor to join their Ultimate Frisbee team, I could not help burst out laughing, while at the same time I felt a feeling of envy that flooded my heart.

I often dream of myself going to Carleton, with wonderful professors, excellent classmates, abundant extracurricular activities and stimulating learning atmosphere.

Very thoughtful essay!! Great job.. I hope you have much success,

:)

Undergraduate / Princeton supp essay- why engineering? [2]

Although he is a mechanical engineer, he runs the company with my uncle.

I also realized that I want not only to be involved in manufacturing but also to supervise and interact with people. I know I am good at human interaction, and I want to use my communication skills and creativity. In this way, I will be able to fulfill my dream which I built in primary school: to become a successful businesswoman.

As a high school student, I do not yet know which field I want to work in.

It is usually best not to use contractions, but instead to write out both words. Also, you might want to experiment with rearranging the paragraphs. The more you revise, the better the essay becomes! Good luck!!

Undergraduate / NUS application's essay (Mid-Autumn Festival, a Vietnamese festival) [4]

Wow, very interesting essay. In business they say "Location is everything!" Your location near the musicians was perfect!

Thanks for posting the essay. I shortened it as much as I could...

Undergraduate / UPenn Ess.; name professor you would like to study with / 300-page autobiography [4]

I could not find an error til the very end!!

:)

I can easily imagine myself sitting in Levy Park reading while my black Penn hoodie keeps me warm against the spring breeze.

Also, maybe you should change it to "keeps me shielded from the"

Undergraduate / "the friendship and camaraderie" - Common Apps essay [3]

Hi! Thanks for posting. We are glad to have you! You write very well, so please take some time to give feedback to a few other members.

I see no errors, but I wonder about the three paragraphs about what you learned.

Take this sentence, and make it the first sentence of paragraph 2:

Upon introspect, I realize now that it was the knowledge that I had taken away so much from the season that made that final match so minute, so insignificant.

Also, I think it is better to say "In retrospect."

We eventually won the game...

This makes that middle paragraph very long, but it is powerful. Anyway, this is just a suggestion! If you keep it this way, the paragraphs are too short. I almost want to suggest that you put those 3 things you learned on a bulleted list, but I don't know if that is right for an admissions essay. Maybe you should call admissions and ask if it is appropriate to use a bulleted list! That is a good excuse to make a nice impression over the phone...

:)

Also, I don't know if "learnt" is UK English or something... is it? I think it is supposed to be "learned."

Undergraduate / Additional information on Commonapp---adventurous soul [2]

This made my mom a little upset, 'SHE is a girl, isn't SHE?!'

Change that to:

This made my mom a little upset. "She is a girl, isn't She?!" my mom asked, rhetorically.

Wow, this is great. IT IS a little horrifying, but in a good way. If you pulled your friend into a fiery pool within the last few years, I would advise you to take it out, so that they do not think you are crazy. It is okay, though, because you were only eight!!

:)

Essays / "[The] workplace is the crucial detriment of lawyers' behaviour." [4]

Hi, I am a little confused about the assignment, too, but I would recommend that you get acquainted with the counter-arguments that would fall in opposition to your arguments. That will give you perspective and a reference point for your writing.

Also, remember to start a section/paragraph with the point you want to make, then elaborate and explain, and then say it again at the end. This formula provides the clarity they are looking for.

Graduate / PhD statement of purpose (to be a professor of economics) [3]

This might be a good place to use a colon:

My passion for research comes from two sources: intellectual curiosity and my experiences in developing countries.

Wow, not too many errors! Maybe it's writing that is your calling.

Here, I finally found a suggestion to make:

I intend to scrutinize the underlying characteristics of developing countries which yield different outcomes from developed countries.

You are a great writer; I'm glad to hear that you'll be helping a few other people in this forum! Thank you for posting. :)