Writing Feedback / Contribution to diversity: I am a master at Pingpong [3]

I am a master atPingpong, and I have led my team to win "National Top Prize".

I know that Pingpong is not popular in U.S., but ...

It requires great patience and extensive practice.

... help me achieve academic excellence but also establish me as a great asset to university

Awesome, I admire your focus and clear mind. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / "to follow Finance Investment Banking" - Personal Statement [3]

Instead of "Partly influenced by my family, I would like to follow Finance Investment Banking.," start this way:

I intend to study Finance Investment Banking, and much of my inspiration for this pursuit comes from my family. Now write 3 more sentences that explain your truth, the truth of your decision to learn investment banking. Then, start the 2nd paragraph:

When I was still in elementary school, my 60-year-old grandpa opened...

At the end, reflect on the truth that you described in the first paragraph.

:)

Kevin

Writing Feedback / "table tennis" - common essay [2]

I am not the physically strongest table tennis player, but I work harder than every other team member. When others finished their three-hour training, I continued running on the playground.

In all, the past eight years as a sportsman have witnessed my growth from an ordinary boy into a confident, persistent man with strong teamwork spirit and leadership abilities.

Writing Feedback / For advice: Account of my experience [4]


Oh, that is an interesting question! In common usage, "temperament" suggests emotion, and ability to control one's temper, whereas disposition is very broad, and means something like your "attitude toward" something. You would write, for example, "The meditative and often solitary experience of playing the piano, with narrowed focus and tranquil mind, refines the musician's temperament from one session to the next." Temperament is better. However, the true definition of "temperament is different, and it involves genetic traits as they manifest in the personality... so, it is not quite right. You could write:

"The meditative and often solitary experience of playing the piano, with narrowed focus and tranquil mind, refines and deepens the musician's consciousness from one session to the next."

Undergraduate / 'Recycling and LOVE' - your reasons for applying to Hamilton College [5]

Put a space after your commas and periods. Watch the spelling. The content is excellent, and well-suited to the prompt question.

I've changed keyboard into necklace, I've changed pop-can into birdseed container, and I've changed juice bottle into corbeil... always having environmental awareness, I don't let any tiny thing around me go in vain; because I know even the worthless thing has its value, which is just temporarily unnoticed. Hamilton College's emphasis on recycling deeply attracts me. And I want to contribute my creative ideas to make it more than just recycling. Here's the way I changed a waste keyboard: I separated keys "L","O","V","E" from the keyborad and arranged them vertically on a platform;then I put "Y" to the left of "O" and "U" to the right of "O";finally I fixed all of them with glue and attached a chain on the top---a perfect "LOVE YOU" pectoral cross was made! So I not only reduced plastic waste but also made a refined jewelery which captured plenty of hearts of my friends...

Even though it can only be 300 words, you can separate this into 3 paragraphs for clarity.

:)

Kevin

Poetry / It drives me mad. This is my second poem. "What If life" [9]

Yes, it is the kind of writing that comes from a rare, deep place within you. Take note of that feeling that you have when re-reading it. Get familiar with that feeling so that you can master it, and draw great, rhythmic lines from that place whenever you want to.

Thanks for sharing it with us!!

Poetry / Night mare (poem) - I made it when i was 17 [5]

Well, it is a brilliant concept. Yes, it is cool and deserves a title that captures the deep meaning of the poem.

Letters / I am pleased to recommend Mr. Chang : reference letter [3]

Thanks for posting! Here are some corrections, though your English is very good already.

He is an academically excellent and integral boy, strong in organization and leadership. I am exceedingly proud of him.

There he helped the elders wash clothes and chatted with them.

In addition, he was awarded several prizes in a dormitory show.

Overall, I am pleased to recommend such a diligent and loving student to you. I sincerely hope you can offer him an opportunity for further his studies, and I am sure he can make valuable contributions to your university and the whole society.

Undergraduate / 'No time to take care of me' - the environment in which you were raised [4]

She kept imaging that when a child was in trouble, she would jump straight in and sacrifice her own life to save the kid. She could not swim at all.

I realized that I should too, take the responsibility, and devote my life to the community in which I live. I truly feel that there is not much we could ask for in this world, but by giving we gain the greatest happiness.

Shorten it by taking out what strays from the main theme. Your main theme seems to be your mom...

Undergraduate / Who am I? (200 words) [16]

I cannot paint if not given a brush, yet I have developed the talent to recognize true beauty.

Well, you need to wrap it up with a nice conclusion. You need to boldly say what you mean, after all the eloquent abstraction.

I like what you wrote about "you" being what is lef over after all external things are taken away. It is interesting to note that even the thoughts that come into your mind are the results of knowledge that has come to you from OUTSIDE yourself. If your thoughts are reflections of external things, what is you?? It is a conundrum.

Essays / Ethical dilemma experienced, essay ideas needed [10]

Hi, are you trying to get ideas to start the essay? An ethical dilemma is a situation where you had to MAKE A DECISION about something that TESTED YOUR ETHICS, your morality.

Undergraduate / I had a hard time fitting into a new culture- U Maryland / Diverse community [4]

At the University of Maryland, I look forward not only to maintaining my scholastic performance , but also to planning and participating in diverse student organizations and activities.

As an immigrant student who moved to America in my freshman year of high school, I had a hard time fitting into a new culture, especially a different school system.

By living in two very different cultures, I came to fully understand the importance of diversity in the community, which will be helpful because University of Maryland is a melting pot.

There will be students from all types of cultures and ethnicities , and I believe that I can be the one who understands those students' educational and emotional needs.

I am very prepared for challenges; I always try to spend as much time as I can to explore a new culture. I believe that University of Maryland will be the place where I can fully experience a diverse community along with the great program and curriculum which will be the pathway for my successful life and career as a future educator of America.

They will definitely like this essay!

Undergraduate / "Brandon"-Common Application Essay [8]

Watching my little friend run and bounce around like the five year old he was, with a smile beaming from his face as he looked at me, and the magnitude of the situation struck me.

You see , Brandon was not like every other little kid running around at a summer camp; he was a foster child. Having been abandoned at birth by his parents, he had bounced from family to family since he could remember.

I think you should name that "new passion," so that this whole beautiful essay becomes testimony for your seriousness about the program for which you are applying.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Different viewpoints - what do you find most appealing about columbia [6]

What I find most appealing about Columbia is its core curriculum. I can imagine myself poring over the works of Aeschylus in Literature Humanities, or pondering about Hobbes' Leviathan. Even though these courses are outside of my major, they will enable me to gain perspective about things that never occurred to me before. (Now add one more sentence about the core curriculum to conclude this paragraph)

2nd paragraph:
I would also love to share my knowledge with others and open my eyes to different viewpoints. For this reason, I am drawn to (something about the campus of program that is relevant)... I imagine myself looking at the world in a different way after being a student at Columbia. Conclude with something about sharing ideas and making a contribution...

Take out this unnecessary sentence: This is what attracts me most about Columbia. Change it to something that sums up what you have written here.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'Affairs on my agenda' - University Of Central Florida Honors Admission [2]

As I came out from under the bedspread, my arm automatically reached for a very vital part of my existence: my Personal Digital Assistant (PDA).

Wow, cool!!! --the continent's first and only clinical pharmacist.

All I would suggest would be to divide it up into three paragraphs for clarity.

Undergraduate / "Catia - My role model" - Opinion... Admission Essay [6]

In our lives, some people make significant impacts. People constantly influence each other in good or bad ways , and those influences affect their lives.

As I was growing up I was able to observe her and learn the process of educating, and by the time I was fourteen years old I was working as her assistant teacher in the pre-kindergarten room.

Wow, great essay. You will indeed make an impact for eternity...

Writing Feedback / "Future me" essay, need help with conclusion [3]

I have a boyfriend, who I love dearly, and could never live without .

Now I look back and realize what a good life I have had, and I hope to continue it happily, full of hope and excitement.

For the conclusion, I think the same advice I gave you for your "name" essay applies here too!! Good luck in your study of culinary arts!

Writing Feedback / Stefanie Marie - need help on editing and a CONCLUSION. [3]

I am a person who doesn't know too much about the meanings and origins of her name.

If I was a girl, and of course I am, I was going to be named Stefanie Marie Fluke.

I really do not mind my full name; I just wished that people would spell my name correctly. Yes, it is more common to have the spelling be 'Stephanie,' but my name is spelt 'Stefanie.'

Those are not my name, so do not call me that.

Awesome, funny essay. :) For the conclusion, you usually repeat the points made in the intro in order to give the essay closure. You could add a conclusion by reflecting on the main theme of the essay. Refer back to something you wrote at the beginning. In your case, you might want to add something to the beginning and the end: Add one sentence to the beginning and end of the essay, and have them both express the same truth about your relationship to your name.

I can't wait to see what you come up with!

:)
Kevin

Book Reports / Treasure in Beowulf; Essay finished, need revision [2]

Oh, I think I know exactly what you are missing! The paragraphs need to be longer, complete and full, and you say you need more quotes to meet the prof's expectations... so elaborate on the quotes and citations you have and add a few more.

Each paragraph is a thought. You introduce it with a topic sentence, and then you elaborate, and then you give some evidence from the reading. Finally, you condlude the paragraph by reflecting on the idea and citation... so, for a lot of the above, you just need to add a reflective, concluding sentence.

Pull out a few more quotes and citations, and each can be used to create a whole new paragraph.

Good luck!!

Writing Feedback / "Private Me" essay - need help on editing and a conclusion. [3]

There are some things people do not know about me, such as the activities I do, the topics I am interested in, the movies I like, the music I listen to, or even that I have to wear reading glasses. Most people do not know that I am in both my high school choir and my church choir, also that I am German, Polish, and Croatian, that I play video games like crazy, or that I understand what W.A.S.D. means.

An activity I absolutely love every summer is white water rafting. The adrenalin that pumps through my body when the raft is about to hit the rapid, it is insane!

The next time we went, we were with the same exchange student that came with us last time, and he had brought his mom with him this time. We had also brought one of our family friends who was only a couple years older than me. Luckily, no one fell out that year.

Another thing people may not know about me is I still sleep with a stuffed animal. The reason that I still sleep with him is because he had used to be my grandpa's, and he has passed away. My grandpa was diagnosed with Alzheimer Disease in 1995 and Parkinson Disease around the same time.

February 14, 2005 my grandpa passed away.

You seem like a great person!

Undergraduate / Blanco Road, Salinas - UVA Supplement Essay [5]

Yes, it's excellent. In fact, you write a bit like a good novelist; it reminded me of Stephen King for some reason! I like the detail of writing "most of the way to school" rather than simply "the road I take to school." There is a special quality to your writing, and I bet it will improve a lot in college. I do not know how to rate the essay, because I would be assessing it based on different criteria from that used by the admissions people. Still, 8.5 seems right...

I turn once again onto Blanco Road, the road I take most of the way to school. As I look out of my window, I see a vast expanse of fields along with the weeds and garbage that line the side of the road. This is the same image I see every day on my trip to school, as I have seen that same farmland a countless number of times in the past six years.

I might suggest changing "As you can see" to "Clearly."
Clearly, Salinas probably will not be ranked as...

Essays / business law essay-tort of negligence mistatement [2]

Hi, perhaps people who have a background in business law will respond to this and help you! Sorry I don't have the necessary knowledge.

However, if this is an assignment for your class, it must be grounded in the class readings, right? If so, you'll have to master that material and see if it all becomes clear to you.

Undergraduate / Uf essay "Describe a meaningful event" - 'I had changed someone's life' [6]

Yes, you caught my attention, right from the first sentence! You are a good writer!
:)

Book Reports / When King Lear hits bottom? [12]

"Bottoming out" or reaching a low point in ones life can be emotionally and physically hard. It can be a horrible place where life seems unbearable and there is nothing to make you happy or anything to look forward too.Although there is a benefit of reaching bottom, you have nothing left to lose and no were to go but up. The tragedy of King Lear helps us to understand that there will be individuals whose actions will bring them and everyone around them down. In King Lear, we see that he has hit rock bottom but there is one thing to remember: if you experience hardships keep pushing forward to see a better day. There will always be a light at the end of the tunnel; the hardest part is getting there.

I'm sorry, based on what you told me about the rubric, I don't understand either. If you tell me more, I'll try to help you INTERPRET what they're saying about interpretation.

:)

Essays / Advantages/Disadvantages of the Chivalric code [3]

Any time you write about the advantages and disadvantages of something, you can start with those two categories. An essay is a group of paragraphs, so all you need is to start writing paragraphs. Write one paragraph for each of the items you listed here, and when you are done, choose a side! Is it good, or not good, to use chivalry as a social system?

You will need to use examples from the class readings, naturally. After you have written a paragraph for every idea, go back and add a citation or quote to most of the paragraphs -- something that helps make your point.

At the very end, write your intro paragraph and the conclusion paragraph. Make sure you have a clear thesis statement at the end of the intro paragraph, or somewhere in it.

Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / Brown supplement (interests and motifs) [3]

As a freshman in high school, I had the opportunity to conduct an independent science research project in which I tested bacteria in order to determine which types are more resistant than others to the antibiotic ampicillin.

Keeping this in mind, I am confident that Brown will prepare me exceptionally well in (name the field) -- my chosen field of study.

Perusing through this book gave me a good sense of Brown's educational philosophy and the beauty of the campus and facilities .

You are a good writer!

Undergraduate / Commonapp personal essay--not enough "me"? [8]

Ah, I guess that is a place where there is room for improvement. If you come up with the right opening sentence, though, you can connect the whole story to "you." One perfect sentence changes everything.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay- "Waiting" [5]

Good question!! The way you wrote it, below, uses the word "yearned" the wrong way:

Submerged in the cheers of the audience, I knew that the wait had been worthwhile; that as long as I kept my faith, my self-conviction, I could overcome dismal obstacles and accomplish what my heart yearned.

In that sentence, it seems like you need to say that you accomplished what your heart yearned for. The word "for" is important. However, it is not correct to end a sentence with a preposition, and "for" is a preposition. So, you needed the word "for" in oder to say that you yearned for something, but you can't end the sentence with the word "for." So, I wrote:

...that for which my heart yearned.

About the question of whether or not it is mundane... You can tell when you write meaningful sentences. If you want to try to make it more brilliant, take out the meaningful sentences and use them to write a new essay. Make an essay full of meaningful paragraphs, of which you love every sentence.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / What is the best advice you ever received? Why? And did you follow it? [4]

Here is some help for the first part, where you had the important errors:

The best advice I have received was the advice from my mom, who said, "everything thing happens for good." My mother's advice was so true and applicable . It gave me hope when bad things happened to me or things don't turn out the way I wanted them, that perhaps it was is for a reason. I followed it also because through out my life it was easy to find situations where I could get upset.

Since I was a little girl I heard my mom say, "Everything happens for Good." I heard her say it both for the good and the bad things that happened. hearing her telling me this when she saw me upset made me put it in my mind and apply it in my everyday life. Finding myself angry in some situations, such as being mad when I missed the bus or being rejected by a friend; I remember always getting mad at myself, other people or even God.

The counsel that I got from my mother was enhanced when I connected it with what I read in the New Testament, "Give thanks in all circumstances."

Good luck!!!

Poetry / "Loneliness" - poety help. [3]

Instead of:

just her shadow and her
is what she sees in the mirror

You can write:

She and her shadow
Were the only reflections in the mirror.

Or something like that...

I like this stanza a lot:

now she sits there all alone
even her shadow is now gone
she keeps praying all day long
she can't go home; there is nothing there
it's nothing but fear
it's nothing but a broken dream

Undergraduate / FSU Essay - Did I include all and/or the right components correctly? [4]

These intrinsic human values have been guiding Florida State throughout its history.

This sentence confuses me: Individually, this was a way to overcome all and prepare for.

I believe that this eagerness also spreads to others.

Physical strength has also been a feature I've developed .

The value of Mores, and what it represents, is by far the one of which I am most conscientious.

Undergraduate / 'Gymnastics competitions' - application essay- topic #1 (significant experience) [7]

I always use a title, even when I am not required to. Even when I am not supposed to. It's my writing, so I get to give it a title. The title is your very first communication to the reader, and it is powerful.

I found no errors in your writing, but if I were you I would revise what the coach said:

As my coach likes to say, "It's not that you can perform all those moves; it's that you've become the kind of person it takes to perform those moves."

Undergraduate / Lehigh Supplement essays [4]

I grew up with Lehigh University. I attended football tailgates with my family, and I met my Dad's fraternity brothers. I heard family members tell stories of their inspirational times at Lehigh and I saw the success and numerous opportunities Lehigh brought to them. I researched the school and was impressed with their experienced professors. The wide variety of courses and activities, I found myself already picking classes. After a tour of the gorgeous campus, I was sold.

This sentence does not say anything new. --I am now sure that Lehigh is the perfect place for me, and I want it to continue to be an influence in my life. Maybe you should get rid of it, and end the first paragraph with "I was sold."

First essay has a lot of good content!

2nd Essay

True campus unity requires everyone to have an open mind about the opinions of other people.

Wow, both essays are entertaining and worth reading. Good luck at Lehigh.

Undergraduate / "Moving"- Common Application Essay [7]

Houses were not in proximity to one another ; rather, they were separated by vast land.

My new school was surprisingly small, but it consisted of four hundred students, about four times as many students as my previous class. I walked into my class anxiously and watched as jubilant kids gathered to discuss their summers. At the bottom of my heart, I wanted to join in, but was hesitant, fearing that they would not accept me.

No real errors, just minor stuff. As for taking out some parts... I guess you have to decide about the elimination just like they do on that show, Survivor. Which sentences have to go? Stephen King calls this process "killing your darlings," because you never want to take out what you have written. Instead of cutting parts out, try saying the same things in fewer words. Good luck!!

Undergraduate / "What is the one activity most important to you?" - Common Application [3]

I signed up for the intermediate choir in my freshman year of high school. To be honest, I did not expect much from either that class or the quality of the choir, because there was no requirement to be in intermediate choir.

Contrary to my expectations, I enjoyed singing in intermediate choir very much and I started to wonder about how good would concert choir sound like. So I went to the annual holiday concert and I could not believe how amazing the concert choir sounded. The concert choir members were only couple years older than intermediate choir members, but their attitudes toward the performance were absolutely mature and committed.

Music has been one of the most important parts of my life since I was young, and I have performed numbers of times within the church choirs and intermediate choir.

Nice job!

Undergraduate / 'Grew up in Indian villages' - how has macaulay honors changed you [4]

I have completed my pre-medicine track at Hunter College. However, I am more than just someone who possesses the knowledge to cure people; Macaulay Honors College has led me to flourish both academically and personally.

Not too much room for improvement. Also, your essay got me thinking about going back to school to learn a few different natural healing modalities... like hypno-therapy! That would be excellent. Good luck to you, and look up neuro-linguistic programming as something to enhance your skill as a healer.

:)

Kevin

Writing Feedback / Is christopher columbus a great historical figure? [5]

Put quotation "" marks around this:
"Greatness lies not in being strong, but in the right use of strength." (Henry Ward Beecher)

Wow, this is clever! This part:
Just as Christopher Columbus mistakenly thought that he was in Asia, I think that some people are also mistaken about Columbus being a great historical figure.

Great essay! In fact, when I started reading it I was thinking that I disagreed with you, but now I agree more. You even gave the counterargument and refuted it, which is an important part of a paper in which you make an argument. Brilliant!

Essays / Why is academic writing so hard to read and write? - my essay topic [9]

Academic writing is difficult to read only when it is either covering a topic that the reader does not understand or when it is written without any inspiration.

You might start with a quote from Kahlil Gibran: "If you must indeed be candid, be candid beautifully. Otherwise, keep quiet, for there is a person who is dying in our neighborhood." You can probably find that on the Internet somewhere.

Academic writing is candid, but writers often feel that if they are being candid and obeying the rules (of MLA or APA or CHICAGO, or whatever citation style they are using), that it is not necessary to write beautifully.

When you read a book that is written as entertainment, the writing will be beautiful. When you read a book that was written to instruct, the fact that the author has a purpose other than to please the reader provides an excuse to not bother writing beautifully.

Reading writing that is not beautiful is like listening to awful music.

Writing Feedback / the awakening--Sometimes in literature the most important themes are develo [4]

Sometimes in literature the most important themes are developed in the scenes where a death or multiple deaths take place. By the end of the short novel The Awakening, by Kate Chopin, the protagonist Edna Pontellier has committed suicide. Edna was a woman trapped in a passionless relationship looking to find herself. By the end of the short novel she is able to find herself. She is trying new things in life by putting herself through hard obstacles that she must overcome for her own awakening as a woman living in the late nineteenth century as the feminist movements prevail.

As she spends time with Robert, any passion she had for her husband fades away.

Through her awakening, Edna becomes like a child herself being reborn growing into an individualistic woman with views of her own.

Robert is there for her in the beginning, but, being a ladies man, it is hard for him when he finds that he really is truly passionate for Edna and that she is the one girl that is perfect for him. He cannot stomach the fact that he loves Edna so much, so he has to flee to Mexico for he will never be able to act and show his true love for her.

Book Reports / Finally, an end has been brought to the reign of Macbeth; Macbeth power struggle [9]

YES, the essay is indeed very good. It stays on topic with the "power" theme, and the paragraphs are well-organized.

There is quite a lot of plot summary, and that can be bad when the essay is supposed to argue a thesis instead of giving a plot summary... but in this case the essay does exactly what it is supposed to do: Use the story to show a struggle involving power.

Thanks, everyone, for the excellent peer reviews. You are all great!!