Writing Feedback / Being happy with a job is more important than having a high salary? [7]

Everyone wants to have their dream job.

Many people prefer employment with a high salary, while others consider whether they like the jobs or not.

One factor that affects the efficiency of work is the attitude of the employee towards his job.---Very good point!

Even with high salaries, many people refuse to continue their jobs because they feel that they do not fit with what they are doing or that there is no room for creativity.

Therefore, he will gain precious experience and easily get promoted.

Being happy with your job motivates you to stay longer with the company and have set goals to achieve.

When you have a job you love, you do not want to jump to another company.

Well-paid occupations often come with a lot of pressure.

I agree with you!! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Research Papers / Malacca Strait research report [2]

Malacca Strait is one of the most important shipping routes in the world with a length of about 1000 kilometers and its width varies between 60 and 400 kilometers ( M.T.J. van Breemen,2008 ).

The strait separates Peninsular Malaysia from Sumatra Island and links the Indian Ocean and Andaman Sea to the South China Sea.

According to Omar et al (2005) which studied variations of sea levels of the Malaysian Sea using satellite altimetry, the ocean circulation at Malacca Strait seems to be rather noisy due to factthe narrow and shallow water area of that strait.

However , the tidal effect is more dominant than the ocean current at Malacca Strait (Wrytki 1961; Maged 2000; Maged and Mohd Lokman 2003)

According to Wyrtki (1961), the monsoon effects in the Malacca Strait are not harsh like in open surrounding seas (South China Sea) because of the sheltering effect of the Malay Peninsula and the island of Sumatra.

During the Northeast and Southwest Monsoons, the ocean currents at Malacca Strait move ton orthwest (towards Indonesian water and Andaman Sea) and s outheast direction respectively (Ku-Kassim et al 2007).

:)

Research Papers / The Sulu Sea in China [3]

The Sulu Sea is a body of water in the Southwestern area of the Philippines, and contains most of the Philippine islands and Malaysian Sabah.

This region is located in the western Pacific Ocean along the west side of the Philippines, (approximately 50 and 110 N. latitude and 1170) (atlas) and is separated from the South China Sea and Celebes Sea by Palawan and Sulu Archipelago respectively.---Is it necessary to write latitude and longitude?

It can be categorized as a complex sea region, which is surrounded by shallow water and a complex seabed.

Generally, the ocean current study of the Sulu Sea is not as comprehensive as South China Sea.

It may be because the Sulu Sea is too small to attract oceanographer's attention (Chai et al 2009).

By using eight years of absolute dynamic topography from satellite altimetry to study seasonal variability of the circulation in the Sulu Sea, Cai et al (2009) they found that the upper circulation ...

... (2) the water exchange of the South China Sea with the Sulu Sea via the Mindoro Strait and the Balabac Strait, and (3) the seasonal ...

This is very interesting, I have never heard of the Sulu Sea until now!

:)

Writing Feedback / 'go back to childhood' Do young people enjoy life more than older people do? [2]

Many adults have been wishingwish that they could go back to their childhood and enjoy their young life again.

Childhood seemed more enjoyable to them.

The enjoyment for young people is that they do not need to worry about making money or worry about how to support a family.

In this case, we cannot assert that young people enjoy life more, because they also have their own worries and life burdens that is free from older people are free of.

...fail to see adulthood as different as childhood; in other words , they haven't realized that older people can have an enjoyable life by making other aspects of their lives flourishing .

In this case, they are enjoying their lives successfully.

...moreover, they are cared for by their sons/daughters who let them feel the warmth of the family.

Lastly, those adults who wish to return to childhood have not found their true enjoyment.

You made some very good points, and I liked your ending a lot! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / "my graduation from high school" - generic thank you/graduation announcement [2]

This is a liberal arts major, designed to engage students in creating a voice for influencing our social world.

My ultimate goal however, is to earn a master's degree of library and information science from Wayne State University.

My love of learning has motivated me to pursue a career in either a library, due to the infinite amount of resources to answer any question, or a museum, which has thousands of years worth of knowledge in one building.

One day, I wish to inspire someone to dream big, think for themselves and become a lifelong learner-just like I have been encouraged to do by each of you.

Special thanks to everyone who has congratulated my success or contributed in my benefit . ---I'm not sure if this is right, maybe it should say, '..to my benefit?...unless they held a benefit for you!

I know it's difficult to make ends meet sometimes -especially in today's economy. I am so grateful for the help provided in funding for books and supplies I will need in the years ahead.---This sound like you're thanking people in advance for the money you want them to give you!

Congratulations on your graduation! Have fun in college!

:)

Writing Feedback / "lucky social experience" - equal support for sport and social activities also classes and libraries [3]

In the integrated university education ecosystem, classes and libraries offer basic and core specialized knowledge, andsomehow sports and social activities function as laying a solid foundation , boosting students' overall capacity, and even drawing a rainbow---I don't know if 'rainbow' is quite the word you're looking for here.

Sports result in excellent physical fitness .

The more practice students take, the healthier they would be, same with the productivity of their campus life, including studying, without a doubt.

65% of those investigated turned out to be overweight by California body mass index charts .

The physically fit students got higher average scores during exams than did the unqualified .---'Unqualified' is not the right word, how about, "...than those who were not physically fit?"

Many years passed, when he and his colleagues were designing the first Macintosh computer, ...

Not only being an irreplaceable part of entire education ecosystem, sports and social activities makes students take rides of spiritual journey ,---I love this!!

You've made many good points! Good luck in school!

:)

Graduate / Technology -- SOP for MS in Computer Science , Distributed Computing [4]

In today's world,technology has become an integral part of human society.
In today's world , technology has become an integral part of human society.

neither is correct, it should be...In today's world, technology...
the comma comes right after the word, then you leave a space.

...curriculum you have studied. My course ...--the same goes for periods. Like this, period right after the word, then a space.

About the content of your essay; I think you did an excellent job telling about what you've done so far and what you know about computer science, which is quite a bit more than most people! You sound mature, confident, and serious about your studies, a perfect candidate for admission.

Poetry / POEMS REVIEW ON ANIMALS or creatures [5]

We don't do the work FOR you here! You write it, and we edit and give feedback! Sheesh!

Graduate / Letter on Intent into postgraduate Physical and Occupational Therapy program [2]

Surgeons observe parts of the body that I, as well as the majority of the population, will never experience in a lifetime. ---Somehow this doesn't seem right, like 'surgeons 'observe' parts of...doesn't go with 'will never 'experience'...it seems like it should say 'see', because of the word 'observe'.

I, unlike a surgeon, want to witness the benefits that my services offergive to others.

I want to chart the weekly progress that my patient(s) are making towards their...

During my senior year we were given the opportunity to spend six weeks shadowing in various...

...I had more of an idea of what I did not like, versus what I wanted to pursue as my lifelong career.

I have loved animals from a very young age but I felt ...

...a newborn into the world is a miracle, but the process and the urgency of protecting a young life was too much for me to handle.---I really like how you worded this sentence, it's great!

I had not taken part in any of the child's therapy, but was overcome with joy at having observed the gains that the child had made through sheer determination and the work of the Physical Therapist.

This is what I want to do. This, I know I can do. ---This sounds very passionate, I like it! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / Behavior Therapy (Psychology paragraph) [3]

According to Richard A. Kasschau in Understanding Psychology, behavior therapy is a type of therapy in which the therapist focuses ...

Undoubtedly, the therapists will try to figure out how to change the inaccurate behaviorsof theirs rather than to the causes or roots of the main problem.

In this behavior therapy, there is one important technique known as systematic desensitization which assists patients to strugglein understanding irrational fears and anxieties they have ever undergone so far.

With this method, patients are asked to list down their fears, and the therapist will instruct them on how to relax in such kinds of situations.

Consequently, this can help patients feel less frightened of those stuffs thanthings they used to be afraid of, and that is the advantage of this therapy.

Do you think this method is better than psychoanalysis? Should you write whether or not you agree?

:)

Undergraduate / Motivation for Nursing and Preparation for Accelerated Academic Environment -Nursing [5]

I was helped by the practice of caring in addition to curing.---This is great!

The care that I received saved my life and left me with a fond impression and great admiration for all of the people who worked at hospitals.

As a nurse, I would be put in a unique position to interact with patients on a daily basis and to care for them as others have for me.

I want to become an Emergency Department Nurse so that I can care for others during a critical phase of their injury or illness while also having a career that I love.

I learned during my four years at Berkeley that nothing is impossible as long as it is approached with dedication, conviction, and a bit of creativity.---nice sentence!

This is a great essay! Good luck in school!

:)

Writing Feedback / IELTS exam: Should children play or study? [6]

Young people tend to spend more time at school than at home.

Basically, sending their children to school should be a top priority for every parent.

Making friends is just one of the reasons why kids should spend their time playing.

When a child goes to a playground, he meets other children with the same interests and that starts a new relationship called friendship wherein when in school, he only calls his peers as "classmates".

In every perspective, I think that friends are better than the latter.---Do you mean that having friends is better than merely having classmates?

Learning how to mingle with other people and form trusting relationships will help a child in a big way in his adulthood.

Lastly, going to a playground to play even for just a couple of hours, helps a child become physically fit.

Therefore, I strongly believe that children should go and play rather than going to school to study at such a very young age. Every child has the right to enjoy his youth and make the most out of it.---Do you mean that children should start school at a later age than they do now? Or that when they are very young, they should be allowed much more play time?

Good luck in school, and have fun!

:)

Book Reports / Brave New World- Soma as a Symbol [3]

Aldous Huxley's Brave New World describes a utopian society which is centered around stability, the human condition, and constant feelings of happiness and pleasure.

Huxley explores the irrational tactics we use in life to escape our reality, which can ultimately destroy the individual.

Through the government's use of soma to control the population, Linda's excessive abuse of the drug, and John's attempt to completelyremove the drug, Huxley reveals how ...

This is very interesting, I'm going to have to read the book now, as I have been meaning to.
Have fun in school, and good luck!

:)

Writing Feedback / How to fund community recreational services (increase taxes?) [4]

They have different points of view as to who - taxpayers or users - should pay for the usage of those community and recreational services.

I believe the community recreational services should be paid for by their users, as it is not fair to the non-users to have to pay for them , and the increased taxes will negatively impact the economy of the community.

It is only fair to the general public that the cost of the community recreational services is paid by the users.

To the user, it might be fair to them , but what about the non-users?

For the non-users, it is extremely unfair to them , as they would be responsible for providing services deemed useless to them, and they also would be indirectly paying for the users.

Therefore, it is only fair to charge the only the users of the community recreational services.

I know you said you didn't need an edit, but I did find a few places where it was needed. My only advice is that maybe you could mention some other instances where things are payed for by users, like the way people pay to park at beaches and enter national parks, where it works out well for everyone and does not affect non users. Good luck in school, and have fun!

:)

Letters / Motivation Letter for Swiss Student Visa (International Hospitality Management) [4]

The reason I have chosen to complete my education in Switzerland, is because of my ambition to develop myself and my skills, in the leading ...

I look forward to taking on new challenges, and take pleasure in interacting and working with people who come from a wide range of backgrounds and cultures, as Ecole Hoteliere de Lausanne offers.---This sentence seems to have something missing, should be revised for clarity.

Upon completing my education, I intend to further develop myself by persuing a Masters Degree in Quality Management, to be able to help in the continuous improvement of the family business and help maintain our high standards.---You should mention what the family business is.

Good luck in school and have fun!!

:)

Writing Feedback / Progress is not possible without sacrifice [2]

One cannot succeed in a difficult endeavor without toiling for months or years.---not necessarily true, as some things are extremely difficult yet can be done quickly!

His peers would go out and socialize and have fun, and he would feel left out at times, as he had no time to be a regular teenager.

But he remained focused and committed to his dream of becoming a tennis champion for years; his perseverance eventually paid off as he won the Wimbledon open and became number 1 player in the world .

The children of laborers and farmers, they longed for a better future.

Eventually they did get into the IITs by acing the entrance examination; their --don't forget to leaver a space.

To sum it up, if we make sacrifices and toil hard, we will definitely progress in our endeavors.

:)

Graduate / "to do research in alternative energy" my sop for Chemical Engineering Master program [4]

My intention is to get a master's degree in chemical engineering, focusing on energy and the environment.

Coal has been the main source of electricity, and gasoline has been the main source of fuel for automobiles.

Both g asoline and coal have had negative effects on the environment.

...reducing the carbon dioxide emissions from automobiles and to focus on solar and wind technologies .

While spending five summers working for an engineering firm in Houston, I worked with people from different backgrounds.

When I designed the machinery, I made sure my schematics would be easy to understand and answer any questions the other workers asked.

I am looking forwards to being a part of the chemical engineering master's program at your university.

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Why I Would be a Good Business Leader - Business Transfer Essay [2]

At the end of my junior year in high school, I volunteered to serve as a peer mentor for the incoming freshmen to ease their transition into high school.

In addition, I answered any questions the students had about classes or extracurricular activities, and helped them deal with other issues that were similar to the ones I experienced when I was a freshman.

My friend Nate and I, had taken part in a mock trial for our Law class and we thought it was very enjoyable, so we decided to start a club so that we could participate in more mock trials.

Our club finally became official, once we had enough members and dealt with some paperwork.

I was a part of an organization called the National Organization for Business and Engineering, in which I was a member of the Finance Committee.

**One thing I was unsure about is how to incorporate my "unique traits that would make me a good business leader". Should I just do this in another paragraph or try to work it into the ones I already have?--- think a new paragraph would make them stand out more, if they are traits other than what you have mentioned. You seem quite unique already!

Good luck in school and have fun!

: )

Writing Feedback / TED talk by a David Christian on Big History; To fulfill our natural function [2]

Before reading this you should look at the TED talk by a David Christian on Big History.---This seems like a cop out, unless the assignment is directly related to the TED talk. If not, it seems like you're just getting yourself out of having to explain it better.

From the talk, you would have noticed how at each stage, ---each stage of what?

This was evident throughout the entire history of the universe and only increased with the advent of life.

In the heart of stars elements would grow more complex, and this led to the formation of planets and asteroids.

On these lumps of rock, pools of chemicals would be swirled, heated and pressed together in enough combinations that eventually the first signs of life began to arise.

Whether it be a grunt or cry for help, to let others know that they were in danger. Incomplete sentence, but if you combine it with the one before it, it'll be ok.

If atoms knock together, the amount of ...

Likewise an element can also interact physically but also chemically.

Our ultimate biological goal is to procreate, with our offspring exchanging information as well as theirs we can ---This sentence is unclear, should be revised.

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / The changeable amount of water used globally / number of miles traveled - Two IELTS [5]

The first line graph illustrates the changeable amount of water used globally between the years 1900 and 2000.

It is clear to see that the largest amount of water used was for agricultural purposes .

It first increased gradually from 500 km3 to 1,000 km3 in 1950, then dramatically surged to 3,000 km3 in 2000.

Meanwhile, water used in the industrial and domestic sectors maintained the similar level of above 100 km3 until a sudden rapid rise to 300 km3 and 1000 km3 respectively.

WhileThe second table chart shows the differences in water consumption per person every year in the countries of Brazil(26,500 km2) and Democratic Republic of Congo (100 km2) as a specific example.

-------------

The most popular travel mode among the English was still by cars, which surged significantly to 4,806 miles ---surged from how many?

By contrast, the modes of travel least chosen by the English were...people in England least chose the modes of walking, bicycle and local bus for average distance traveling in the year of 2000 rather than they did in the past. ---Maybe you don't need this sentence at all?

:)

Writing Feedback / Research essay:The necessity of supernatural figures in society today [4]

Collecting over sixty-five million dollars in Hollywood's weekly box office, Thor marked America's quenching thirst ---How about 'quenched America's thirst for...'?

Since the creation of the first comic book heroes, of Superman and Captain America in the years ...

Moreover , Dreadpool, as well as many other comic book heroes, served as a symbol of society's struggles and breakthroughs during a certain period.

In fact, Dreadpool restored a sense of power and hope to the American people during the 1990s, and proved to be a revolutionary figure in the following decades.

Although Dreadpool did have traits similar to those of Superman, such as the muscular body, striking jaw lines, and masculine superiority, Dreadpool diverged considerably from the classical superhero.

... Dreadpool utilized several guns and weapons available in the realistic world.

Henceforth, the transformation of the new superhero attracted many followers. In contrast to Superman, Batman, or Spiderman, an average individual can easily portray themselves as a Dreadpool, due to his realistic features.---I don't know if this statement goes with 'grotesque scarred features'.

In addition, the 90s took hold of the ideologies of realism and urged the common man to think rationally and pragmatically.

Hereafter, the humdrum age of foolish fallacies and romantic misconceptions were ceased. (?)

:)

Writing Feedback / Description of tea manufacturing process [2]

There are numerous steps in the manufacturing of tea.

Firstly, the top of two leaves and bud are plucked by hand during the dry season, and transported to the mill.

Once there, the tea leaves and bud wither by hot air for 18 to 24 hours before being placed into a rolling machine, which produces the wiry, and curled shape of the tea, in a process which lasts from 2 to 3 hours.

Afterward, the leaves are put into a tray in order to ferment for 1-5 hours.

The leaves are then fired in the oven to destroy the enzymes and to stop the fermentation.

The tea is exported after the leaves are packed in tea chests. Finally, the tea is tasted and auctioned by the experts before being packed.----It seems like these last two sentences should be reversed, like they should be auctioned and packed, THEN exported. I could be wrong though.

:)

Essays / I need to write about "an unforgettable event" - ideas wanted [8]


Great advice!!


Purpose? Maybe the word "purpose" is being used like the word "topic."

Well, to get the audience's attention you could use a joke, but questions are also very good.

Anyway, haven't you done this task every day when you told a story about things that happened during the day? It should be easy to talk about an unforgettable event, because it is so... memorable! :-)

When you think of an event, write a sentence about the lesson it teacher. Start from there.

Essays / Essay on "GOOD DEED I HAVE DONE IN 2008" [12]

Hi Saima,

As Isai mentioned, there are plenty of samples available at EssayForum and on google. But I wonder what you need to do to make this successful. Is it supposed to be an expository essay? Argumentative? Descriptive?

The easiest way to get through it is to write about something you know well and feel strongly about. What is most important to you? What is the name of the last book you read?

:-)

Writing Feedback / Teenagers should concentrate equally on all school subjects or only specific ones? [2]

Teenagers learn various subjects when they are in their schools , and it is supposed that they should study equally all subjects.

However, others refute this and think teenagers ought to focus on some subjects they are best at or find more interesting.

All school subjects are considered to be equal by students who are the age of teenagers due to their benefits.

In the same way, studying art subjects can inspire and stimulate teenagers, helping them develop creativity in all areas of study.-----Good point!

Another advantage which is given by learning all subjects is that teenagers have opportunities to both improve and expand their knowledge in these areas.

This is due to the fact that there are some advantages to doing it.

For instance, a lot of boy teenagers are keen on science subjects and the logical explanation of technical issues, but many girl teenagers are fond of the romance and poetry in social subjects.---This sounds very sexist, it may offend some people. (My daughter is a biology major.)

To sum up, each way of teaching in schools has distinct characteristics which give teenagers better development of their studies.

However, both mental and physical development are the most important elements in schools .

: )

Letters / I am excited to apply for the PR-intern position; Cover Letter [5]

Having attended and successfully graduated from two faculties at the same time left me with perfect ...

Due to the international framework of my studies and Problem Based Learning approach that Aalborg University imposes, I appreciate it to work in international teams and transform the resulting creativity and innovativeness into productive work flows. -----This sentence is confusing. Maybe it would be better to make it into two sentences?

Moreover, I have developed critical thinking, project management abilities and analytical skills to learn processes in a very short period of time, which I consider as being essential in today's fast moving global marketplace.

I consider myself as being able to communicate and collaborate effectively with my colleagues and to build and sustain productive relationships.

I consider the possibility of doing an internship at Eldeman an excellent opportunity to broaden my knowledge and to observe professionalism at its best.

It is a major aim for me to be part of such a successful organization and to contribute towards its success.

If you think I might fit into your organization , I would very much look forward to hearing from you.

:)

Writing Feedback / Governments should prioratize human beings rather than investing on technology [2]

For many generations, g overnments around the world have wasted billions of dollars on irrelevant things.

Some economists even believe that Governments--no need to capitalize the word governments--- around the world pay more attention to the development of technology rather than human beings.

From my point of view, I fully agree that Governments around the world should focus more on the human health.

This is because there are people around the world whom suffer from diseases such as aids and cancer.

Instead of wasting billions of $ on developing space programs on developing space programs , this money could be somehow be invested into research and development of cures for diseases such as Aids and Cancer.

This we should all question , why Governments would do such things to human beings.

Well the answers is simply because Governments...

To sum up, I would advise Governments to prioritise human beings rather than investing into technology.

We don't grade papers, but your English is fine. Good luck in school and have fun!
:)

Undergraduate / "to Open my own practice in Gainesville" - significant event [2]

Nothing is more terrifying than receiving what you think is going to be the normal call from your mom; the one that every teenager gets and second guessing on answering, only to find out this time she was not trying to keep tabs on their current location, ...

Without her, family functions would not be as frequent and small quarrels would not be looked over.---I don't think 'looked over' says it right. Can you change this?

Communication is essential to a happy life, and one day I plan to open my own practice in Gainesville or work diligently along side the best at Shands hospital to ensure that everyone has a chance for that bliss. ( I dont know how to finish it)

Maybe you could end this with something about how this school will help you realize your dream, what you will study there. Good job with your essay, good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Book Reports / "Butte Vs Anaconda" - analysis [2]

Griff, one of the retired Welsh miners, went on to explain about the...

The Anaconda Mining Company was also known for bringing in good squads----should this say 'goon squads?

... by lynching a union organizer Frank Little for helping the miners of Butte (Jim Lane).

Doig painted a picture of Anaconda Mining Company as greedy and stingy by taking away from the miners a ----be careful, you sometimes spell this with an 'o'.

Doig also showed the reader of the controls Anaconda held over the town of Butte, through the children and the families.

This is an ideal example, of the children who would barely reach sixth grade, before they were

Sandison, who would not cower to the mining company's wish to sell, had also felt the effect, like many others.

Doig told of an unremarkable story ---I think this should say 'told a remarkable'...

This was very nicely written! Have fun in school!

:)

Undergraduate / "what doesn't kill you.." - Significant Event Honors College Admissions [2]

I never agreed with what the 'popular kids' were wearing, or approved of the offensive language.

Going back to my religious upbringing, I found strength from promises in the Bible, one of which was: "Th ere hath no temptation taken you but ...

Out of my adolescence, this experience is meaningful not only because of how traumatizing it was,...

Events like this, although painful, serve to make us stronger.

But now---no comma here--- I have accepted myself, and know I can't change my past; but graduation day, I'm eager for a fresh start.

Nice essay, I like your unique writing style, it's very engaging! Good luck in school, and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / Celebrities who committed crimes should be allowed to come back ? [2]

For several years, it has been one of the most controversial issues has been whether or not we should allow celebrities who committed crimes to make a comeback.

There certainly are a number of people around us who violate a law or disobey rules, but they all ___I don't know if you should say 'all', as most probably do not!_____get a second chance and get to keep their jobs, ...

When a person acts against a law, he or she will be punished with a fine or be end up in prison in the worst case.

Whether they intend to or not they sometimes...no comma here ... may make mistakes and even commit crimes as we may do.

You made some good points, but you might want to say something like 'except in the case of murder or rape..."

Good luck in school!

:)

Writing Feedback / Students Should not be in Control of their own Education. [5]

Based on my ten years worth of teaching experiences, I completely disagree with this statement.

I believe that students cannot be in control of their own education without help, and it is due to a lack of insight, experiences , and knowledge.

To begin with, young students are too immature to decide for their education.

For instance, students in grade eleven who amuse with fancy world like fashion competition or girl friends and boys friend, are not be able to take the right decision for their future. They couldn't think properly to take advantage of their studying time if their teacher wouldn't help them.----This sounds very biased, many 11th graders would rise to the challenge of deciding their own studies!

Moreover, students don't have enough knowledge to make the decision for their study's plan.

...recognize my students' talent, so I can help them find their path to success.

Students are young without any experience and incapable ofknowing what's best for their lives, so they certainly need to be ...

Finally, I think that students should not be in control of their own education because they don't have enough knowledge and good experience. Teachers or instructors can help them get through difficulty study time with their enormous information and background. ----you don't need to say this again, as you already covered it.

We don't grade essays, just help you to fix them up!

:)

Graduate / "to work in an international field of HR and consulting" - Letter of Motivation [3]

That's what we're here for!

To me, this is the perfect way to combine my acquired knowledge in psychology, and my strong interest in business.

Therefore, I am keen on gaining a deeper theoretical knowledge of management and analytical skills to evaluate business in a global context.

I am certain that the xxx program will contribute to me reaching my goal

Furthermore I would highly appreciate getting in touch with people from other countries and cultures.

Through this, I have already gained relevant work ...

I am certain---no comma here --- that my previous academic and professional career,...

... win a game as much as I relied on them, and I am therefore used to giving my best effort in every situation.

With a solid foundation in academic theory on management and ...

I would like to thank you for considering my application and I look forward to your positive response.

I wouldn't go with 'your positive response' here. It sounds a little cocky, and they might lean towards humble!
Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Rutgers Application - Transfering through hard work [3]

While still in high school, I had never thought about attending college. That is not to say that ...
Above, that should be in the present tense: is not to say...

I like that introduction! Very impressive.. impressive because of the sincerity and simplicity. But at the end of tha paragraph, i want you to end it with a BANG.

Now, on the eve of my graduation from Ocean County College, I see ____________________ (Let's end this sentence with something that expresses your clear intention... the career field you want to enter and your specializations that interest you. Get very specific, and show that you have a clear set of goals.

I do not like the second paragraph. It does not really say anything. You should be succinctly and powerfully explaining what you intend to do. Show that you choose Rutgers because it has some resources that will be perfect for helping you actualize your vision for the future. Get detailed and specific about your plan. :-)

Writing Feedback / Should history be taught in academic life of any student? [15]

if you use "while" this way, it should be in the middle of a long sentence, after a comma:
Some people admit that studying history has a little impact on student's academic life, while others admit ...

Above, do not use the word "admit." If you tell a lie and I accuse you of lying, you might admit that you told a lie. It means to say something you did not want to say. It is like the word "confess." Instead, use the word "believe" above.

that studying such subjects as mathematics and science are more available than history. Whether it is worthy or not studying history today is quite an interesting issue.-----Do not end the first paragraph by saying it is interesting. At the end of the paragraph, give your main idea for the essay.

but they should not be learned so seriously. It is more important for student's to study Mathematics and IT rather than history, because this is a field which would ensure people their good and successful life.-----You wrote this very well! You should be confident.

However, I want to challenge you: Until you study certain events of history, you cannot truly understand human nature, and you will have false ideas about what is going on in the present. History repeats itself, and if you study it you can see the patterns and have WISDOM. :-)

Undergraduate / "Computer science and electronic toys" - NUS admission [3]

I'm sorry I missed the opportunity to help you! Here are some ideas, anyway:

Sincerely following advice of my class teacher, hard work, determination and disciplene discipline helped me in achieving an excellent academic career in school and instilled confidence and sporting spirit in me.

Simplify:
My curiosity to know about the...

I think you did a very good job with this! It can be better if you spend some time reading the articles about engineering that interest you most. What will be your specialization? Maybe you do not know yet, but you will get a lot of good ideas if you go find 5 excellent articles that interest you. Read 5 articles, and let your ideas flow through your mind. You will then be able to get very detailed in discussing your aspirations.

However, I know you already submitted this, and I think you are going to be well received!

Grammar, Usage / On what occasion can be fragments acceptable? [3]

Thanks for asking this great question! Seriously. It is an interesting question, because in the English language rules are broken all the time!

Google this: poetic license

When you write a paper for school, it is best to always use complete sentences. If you use poetic license and write a fragment, you might make the reader think you do not know the rules of grammar. However, if you blog on the Internet or write a story, you really can use fragments when you want to as long as it sounds good.

This is not good:
I like to eat pie. My favorite food.

This is complete:
I like to eat pie, my favorite food.

This is okay sometimes:
I like to eat pie, because it is the greatest food. Blueberry Pie.

But really, you should not use fragments in formal, academic writing.

Research Papers / What is the best format/style to employ for writing an undergraduate senior thesis? [3]


Not stupid! These are great questions.

When writing about lit and philosophy, people often use MLA or Chicago style. Chicago is the style with footnotes.

But footnotes can be problematic if you need to upload your paper anywhere. I guess you should use MLA. When using MLA, you should put the author's name in parentheses at the end of any sentence that tells some info you got from that author (Hacker).

I recommend questia.com, because even though it will cost a little money to get a membership for a month or whatever, it is great because it'll give you hundreds of articles about ovid and then AUTOMATIVALLY generate a reference list for you in MLA style!!

So... good luck with this. Put 1 inch margins all the way around, and add a table of contents if you would like to... Microsoft word has a cool feature for automatically making you a table of contents.

Did I answer all your questions? Be sure to use some "magic word" or phrase as a theme to make your paper memorable! Choose the theme after you have written almost all the body of the essay, because at that point you will be deeply in touch with the subject.

For now, just go get a great article about Ovid and write about what the author's main idea is.

:-)

Writing Feedback / 5 paragraph comparison/contrast essay on Arizona and Pennsylvania [3]

I'll add "had"----> I couldn't give him the answer because I had traveled to...

... 38 different states, but it was always either Pennsylvania or Arizona. ----I don't understand what you mean. What was always PA or AZ????

Although these two states are similar in many way, experiencing the contrast between them enabled me to experience...

:-) Nice! You write with a nice rhythm. I think you should google "imagery words" and "action verbs," and try to add more of those to your writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Developed nation should tackle refugee problem [8]


I think I know the answer to this question! Google around about this: critical thinking, logical fallacies

If you get very good at critical thinking, you will be able to do well with whatever essay prompt you see. For a good book, google this: critical thinking, , nosich, asking the right questions

...should help by allowing high levels of immigration.

...seek asylum in developed countries. ----I don't think you need to write "overdeveloped."

Do not capitalize unless it is the first word of the sentence or a proper noun:
In addition, Host host countries also receive...

However, it is argued that it is not an open and shut case... people to other forms of crime and corruption.----It is good that you used this paragraph to talk about the other point of view. However, at the end of this paragraph you should tell why your opinion is still more accurate than this opinion.

To sum up it is clearly seen clear that for host countries, refugee migration is not only something that creates few problems but also an opportunity for them to gain the support they need to survive.

I don't know how the test is scored or if you can get a 7, but I think your writing is at a very high level with just a few mistakes. Keep practicing!