Writing Feedback / Smart phones prohibition among kids [4]

A proper academic essay is composed of 5 parts. That description for these paragraphs are the introduction, 3 body of paragraphs, and the conclusion. It is a must to have 3 body of paragraphs because the whole discussion point of the essay, the actual prompt requirement instruction, is developed and discussed within the body of the paragraph. Not within the introduction or the conclusion. If you want to score well in the essay, you need to develop your body of paragraph. This will prove your English comprehension skills along with your English grammar / sentence structure capabilities. The more you write, provided it is easily understood in English, in support of your essay, the better the score could be. That is why exam takers are encouraged to write a maximum of 5 sentences per paragraph, within a 5 paragraph essay.

FYI, this is your second and last free advice for this thread.

Writing Feedback / (Russian National Exam) Agree or disagree? The clothes people wear influence their behavior [7]

I am very sad that you wasted your second and final free advice by simply trying to teach me how a Russian essay is written. Along with it, you should have included the original prompt requirement as well so that I could have at least used your essay format instruction to create a more authoritative analysis of the essay that you wrote. Now, I cannot do anything for you anymore. If you include the prompt requirement at this point, I will no longer be able to advice you about how to improve your weak points. The only way I can do that, if you decide to provide the prompt, is if you turn this essay into an "Urgent" thread, where I can continue discussing the points for improvement based upon the prompt you might be willing to provide.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - Reference Letter for a job - Request from a Teacher [4]

Tanner, this essay can score a 5 in an actual setting. That is because it mechanically addressed the prompt requirements. It is mechanical because you merely provided all of the necessary information as indicated in the instructions. You failed to properly develop the letter in order to make to make it more interesting and useful for your purpose.

You should have started off the letter by refreshing the memory of your professor about who you are. Remember that a period of time has already passed and this professor has hundreds of students in his classes per semester, so it would have been imperative to reintroduce yourself and assume that he will remember you immediately. Give your full name, the name of the course you took, what semester, time, and classroom that you attend his classes. This will help him to pull out the correct student record and allow him to better recall who you are as his student.

When you discussed the opportunity to work for United Airways, aside from the general reasons for wanting to work there, you should have included a personal reason, such as a career goal, that could have encouraged him to support the writing of a positive recommendation letter for you.

The points above are the main reasons that your essay did not score as highly as it could have. Had you tried to write a more personal, rather than mechanical letter, I do not doubt that you could have scored at least a 6 with this essay.

Scholarship / KGSP study plan information technology for sustainability [3]

John, this is not a properly formatted study plan for the KGSP. This is more of an essay explanation of your study plan instead of a study plan proposal or thesis proposal, which is the expected presentation for this essay. I do not see a clear title for your research paper, there is no clear thesis statement to be responded to in the form of collaborative research with a Korean agency or company, there is no methodology presented for the type of research required, and there is no representation for your expected outcome from the research. This turned purely into a narrative of what the problems are in Nigeria instead. While you can present the problems besetting Nigeria in your essay, it must relate to the thesis statement and expected outcome presentation of the essay in order to give more importance and a reason for being presented in this essay. You will need to revise the full content of your essay to represent the following:

1. The title of your research
2. The reason (thesis statement) that you believe this research is important to Korea and Nigeria.
3. The method of research that calls for your collaboration with a specialized Korean agency.
4. What you hope to see as a result of your research.
5. How you hope to use this research to help improve Korea and Nigeria relations either through collaborative efforts of the related agencies or, through the implementation of new technologies in both countries in the future.

Writing Feedback / Smart phones prohibition among kids [4]

Abdullah, your opening statement is lacking in the sense that you should include a presentation of the 3 general reasons that you believe this opinion of yours to be the correct point of view for the issue being discussed. When you write this opening statement, it must not only contain a restated prompt, but clearly include your opinion, supported by the general reasons that support it. The discussions of the reasons should follow, in chronological order, within the next body of paragraphs. These would be paragraphs 2,3, and 4 with paragraph 5 being your concluding statement. In order to make your closing statement more effective, you should restate the topic being discussed, your opinion, and the general reasons that support your belief yet again. It serves as a reminder of the whole point of the essay for the reader.

Your essay is also riddled with wrong spelling either because you do not know how to spell the word (in which case you should replace the word with a similar term that you know how to spell) or because you were just careless. Either way, the misspelled words result in point deductions, along with your improper sentence developments that tend to confuse the reader. Based upon these criteria, I think that your essay will only gain a score of 3 at the most.

Writing Feedback / (Russian National Exam) Agree or disagree? The clothes people wear influence their behavior [7]

Alina, the next time you post an essay for review, kindly include the original prompt so that I can compare your essay against the expected discussion. It is hard to judge your prompt adherence without it. That said, I will proceed to offer you a general review of your essay.

It would be in your best interest to not include a personal opinion in the opening statement of the essay. That is because when you present your opinion (as required by the essay), it must be placed either before or after the supporting public opinion you presented. That way, you can fully develop your response in the 3-5 sentence manner that is normally required of an essay. It also removes the possibility of redundancy as you did in this essay when you presented your opinion twice in separate paragraphs. Both of which were not amply developed to support the discussion.

When you address a generalized gender in English, the default gender reference is always he or him. That is because American English is based on a masculine sex of the country which is represented by "Uncle Sam", a man. You cannot use the slash mark to indicate 2 genders as that confuses the discussion. Just pick a gender and stick to it.

I can't review your essay beyond these general comments because I am not sure about the other prompt requirements. If you can provide additional information about the discussion, I might be able to add some other advice to this already existing information for your referral.

Writing Feedback / New technology devices and software make students can not concentrate on class [3]

Eric, the only score that your essay can get is a 3 due to the grammar problems that exist in your essay. To begin with, your opening statement inaccurately paraphrases the prompt for discussion. While the last sentence in your opening statement directly relates to the prompt, the preceding sentences do not establish the correct discussion topic nor format for discussion. That is the biggest problem that lowered the score for this essay. Then, you have inconsistent sentence development in the paragraphs and the mistakes in English vocabulary usage (i.e.crumble instead of cram) which made it very difficult for the reader to assess what you are trying to say in the sentence. There is a definite lack of clarity in the message the paragraph tries to deliver. Finally, these problems all combined to limit your ability to write even the simplest English sentence that would help to properly explain the meaning of your essay. Hence the possible maximum overall score of 3.

Undergraduate / BITS cricket team - Write about an incident that had the most profound influence on you [5]

In all honesty, the incident and the profound influence that it had on you as not as striking, memorable, or impressive as you hoped it would be. That is because of the lack of development regarding how the rejection had a profound influence upon you. The essay is not asking you to discuss what you learned about yourself from the incident, it is asking you to represent how the incident influenced you to become a better person. Realizing that you have the " the ability to take critical decisions in pressure situations. " does not count as an influencing event in your life. An influencing event is something that happens and then spurs you to do something because you realize that "it is the right thing to do" or "it can make a change". It does not have anything to do with you realizing that you finally have ability to make decisions in pressure situations. That is not an influencing moment but a realization moment. Those are two different things. By definition, influence "is the power to have an important effect on someone or something. If someone influences someone else, they are changing a person or thing in an indirect but important way." Therefore your essay doesn't follow the expected response for the prompt.

Since this is my last free review for your essay, you will have to either list your revision as an "Urgent" thread or close this thread and then start a new one using the revised essay that you will be developing. As of now, I can no longer respond to you in this particular thread with regards to any improvements or changes that you might be making to the essay based upon my current review.

Writing Feedback / Learning a foreign language can be optimal in primary school, but the real language may bemuse them [3]

Nuraini, the biggest problem of your essay is that you did not offer a proper paraphrasing of the prompt requirements, which would have helped us better review your essay in terms of its relevance to the topic. What you did was, you immediately launched into a discussion of the essay by offering pertinent information meant to open the discussion of the subject. The proper representation for the opening statement would have that of a paraphrasing of the topic plus instructions for the discussion and then the presentation of your line of reasoning in the second paragraph. It is because of this mistake that your concluding essay came up short and, along with the missing paraphrase and discussion outline at the beginning, that you would most likely not get a passing grade for this essay in the actual test. Remember the proper discussion format for an IELTS task 2 essay and always follow it. That is how you can increase your test scores.

Writing Feedback / The honesty importance in a relationship [3]

Cheniki, this TOEFL essay that you wrote will not score higher than a 2 due to a number of reasons. The first reason, has to do with your grammatical inability to write proper English sentences. While the improper sentence development may be overlooked by the examiner, as he allows a leeway for the non-English speakers, he cannot overlook the fact that there are numerous written grammar rule violations in your essay dealing with capitalization, paragraph formatting, and punctuation mistakes, among other mistakes. There is also the problem of redundancy in your essay as you describe "truth" as being the pillar of a friendship twice in succeeding paragraphs. Redundancies cause problems for the examiner because these mistakes show either a lack of carefulness on the part of the writer or an inability to write in English. While the essay that you wrote has a good message, the problems in presentation and sentence structure pose real problems for your exam scoring.

Writing Feedback / Discussion about young people ignoring some traditional beliefs [4]

Phone, the only score that this essay can get as an IELTS discussion topic would be a 3 due to your lack of English comprehension. the discussion that you presented does not follow the prompt requirements at all. The evidence of your lack of understanding of the prompt requirements rests in the way that you misrepresented the paraphrased topic and instructions for discussion. You somehow turned a discussion about cultural values into a discussion about globalization and system corruption. Cultural values have nothing to do with globalization. It is this confusion that you had regarding the prompt discussion that caused the failing score of your essay. Since you are still practicing your essay writing abilities, it is important that you take the time to fully understand the prompt requirements. Do not begin writing unless you are absolutely sure that you understand the question being asked. If you feel uncertain, ask clarification questions. Do these things during the practice sessions a few times. Don't forget to keep reading in English so that you will develop your comprehension skills.

Writing Feedback / Household expenditure in Hong Kong and Britain - charts give the breakdown of the percentage [4]

To, while you have shown improvement in the way that you wrote this essay in particular, it is important to note that the paragraph development is still problematic. Bear in mind that you are expected to write a minimum of 3 sentences per paragraph in order to prove that you actually understood what you read and that you are capable of writing complex sentences. So, while you did well in the development of the sentences in terms of sentence count in the first two paragraphs, the concluding statement was not properly formatted to accommodate the required number of sentences.

The opening statement has problems in the sense that it does not properly represent the discussion outline to follow in the essay. Please try to remember that the opening statement is an overview of the topic for discussion and should never contain actual information that can be used to fulfill the body paragraph discussions.

Due to these problems in the essay, my opinion is that you cannot score higher than a 6.

Undergraduate / BITS cricket team - Write about an incident that had the most profound influence on you [5]

Antriksh, with a 600 word count essay, you need to come up with a better narrative for this response. There is so much missing information regarding the background of the story that could build the proper foundation for the include that you are talking about. There is no clear representation of the influence that you are talking about. Do not withhold information regarding the influence angle since that is the focal point of the essay. In order to properly make suggestions about editing and revising your essay, I need to read the full draft. Unfortunately, this isn't a complete draft so you have to fully develop the essay before I can accurately analyze your work for review. Right now, the only clear portion that should be removed is the last sentence since it doesn't relate to the prompt instructions. At the moment the include that you speak of is really unclear, under discussed, and under represented.

Scholarship / KGSP Future Goals - specialist advisor on technology [2]

jkl, it is important that you define your post study plan by the number of years in order to create a chronological representation of what your practical training and work experience should develop within you as a professional. Therefore, you need to not only mention an exact company in Korea that you hope to work for, but you need to mention exactly how long you plan to stay in Korea as well. This should cover a 5 year plan. There are no mid-range plans to be represented, only long term goals covering the first 5 years after you graduate. Anything longer than that requires a PhD degree. It is not appropriate to say "I will have" in first paragraph because, this instance, it sounds like you are just recapping your masters degree course accomplishments. Instead, discuss the kind of practical training that you expect to have at the company by saying "I hope to build upon my theoretical knowledge gained during masters studies by..."

Essays / Analytical essay on Hidden Curriculum [2]

When you think of a "Hidden Curriculum", think of how you gain lessons and information from indirect teachings or the influence of other people. This is something that you can learn either in school through the indirect influence of your teachers, classmates, or school experience. A "Hidden Curriculum" is anything that teaches an unintended lesson that could affect the way that you view life, helps to create your belief system, or allows you to understand the norms of a certain society or society in general. These are "accidental" lessons that we learn as we continue to live our lives and evolve as people based upon our surrounding and experience. Remember the saying "Life is the best teacher' or "School of hard knocks"? Those are examples of sayings that help to illustrate the meaning of "Hidden Curriculum". These are unexpected lessons that one uses to improve himself in life. Lessons that would never be taught or are rarely taught in the formal academic realm.

Writing Feedback / Team work; Summarize the points made in the lecture you just heard [3]

Abderraouf, I am not sure if the summary that you made of this article is accurate. Though you mentioned that you supplied the link to the original article, you forgot to actually post the link in the post. So I do not have an accurate point of reference when it comes to confirming the summary that you have presented. Kindly provide the link the article as soon as you can so that I can offer a more accurate review and scoring for your work on this essay summary. One thing that I can comment on though is the fact that you do not bother to properly develop paragraphs by offering at least 3 sentences per paragraph. What you have here are mostly single sentence structures that you divided using comma's. A move that is frown upon in the academic circles, specially in the English exam community. You are being judged on your ability to create individual and understandable English sentences, forming extremely long sentences does not respond to that expectation and as such, will alarmingly lower your final score.

Scholarship / Reputable in linguistics - AAS - How did you choose your proposed course and institution? [2]

Muhammad, I can see that you placed great effort in developing this essay response. It has some right ideas, expressed in a difficult and non-understandable manner that prevents the reviewer from actually understanding what you wish to say. The essay requires more than just a review. It requires proper grammatical editing and revision in order to clarify the points you are trying to make. The improperly developed paragraphs and sentences cause undue stress on the part of the reviewer. Since I am only limited to giving you 2 free advice regarding editing and revisions, that number of advice will not be enough for the required series of revisions that needs to be addressed so that the essay can be usable. I strongly urge you to consider clicking on our Services link, where you can choose my name from the list so that I can personally edit and revise the content of this paper for you to make it ready for submission.

Scholarship / "Perseverance" - Essay for scholarship application by Nanyang Technology School (NTU) in Singapore [5]

Hi, this is my 2nd and final free advice for your essay. The quote by Winston Churchill, though applicable to your essay does not really offer much in terms of building up the content. If you cannot place the quote in the middle, and then build upon it, it would be best to eliminate it altogether. Placing it at the ending doesn't really make any sense since the essay could have been closed on a stronger voice by simply using your own. The addition of the quote added an extra avenue for discussion in the essay that you were not able to build upon. In my honest opinion, you should just remove the quote altogether and let your own voice be the only one heard in this essay. Once you make your voice the only one in the text, the essay will be better prepared and finalized for use in response to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Education from parents and diversity - whether parents are the best teachers? [3]

Anh, what is the actual prompt requirement that you are responding to? Kindly indicate it in your response to my advice because I need to be able to assess your essay for prompt responsiveness and instruction compliance. Without that information, the assessment of your essay is incomplete. As of now, I can offer only a general assessment of your work.

The main issue that I have with your essay, in terms of the argument it presents (without knowing the actual prompt instructions) is that you have done a certain amount of research in order to create an acceptable example or supporting reason for your argument. In the actual exam, there will not be any opportunity to research to create an impressive discussion because the computers will be locked down. While this argument that you created is strong, it was done in inaccurate exam settings so the argument cannot be deemed proper. It would have been best if you used your personal experience of having your parents as a teacher instead of referring to researched material. Personal examples offer a better idea of how you relate to the prompt and impresses the reviewer more.

Undergraduate / Personal statement for a BSW Program - reasons for BSW degree [3]

Tanner, the first thing that you have to correct in the essay is the information that you are a high school dropout because you are not. Instead, indicate that you finished your high school degree later rather than sooner due to a number of undisclosed reasons. It is impossible for you to become an MSW candidate if you did not graduate high school first so your could complete a BSW (Associate) degree. You need to clarify that information because right now, it sounds like you are not qualified for the line of study that you have chosen. Explain instead that you did not graduate from high school in the normal manner. That way, your special and keen interest in BSW and MSW will be better highlighted.

Scholarship / "Perseverance" - Essay for scholarship application by Nanyang Technology School (NTU) in Singapore [5]

Wayne, would you consider including the quote into your essay? I am suggesting that you do this so that the quote can be inserted into the essay as a part of your value and belief system that kept you going when you felt the urge to quit learning to play the piano. Right now, the quote is standing alone at the start of the essay, without giving any actual meaning. The quote gains a deeper meaning, offers a valuable insight into your values and belief system, and shows off an impressive side of your character if you work it into your narrative as an inspiration instead that built your value and belief system. You really have a good presentation going here. It is just the quote that needs to be given better importance and relevance in the overall explanation of your value and belief system. If you incorporate it into the narrative, the overall essay gains more impact.

Graduate / How your education and work, and life experience will contribute to your classmates' MBA experience [4]

The next time that you ask for an essay review, make sure that you give complete information regarding the prompt requirements and the university that you will be attending. If it is only for a local university then say so. The assumption will always be that you are applying for an international university. The advice given to you was based on that assumption. It is obvious that you were not seeking advice, rather only approval of what you wrote. So I will not say anything about it anymore at this point. You are happy with the essay you developed. Use this essay the way you have it revised. As long as the essay format and content makes you satisfied and happy, nothing else, not even the opinion and advice of others, matters at this point. Since this is my second free advice on the essay, should you wish to ask for further clarifications or other things, you should consider using our "Urgent" thread in order to continue the discussion.

Undergraduate / Achievement Essay (Mall Management) - Application to SMU [2]

Samantha, since the indication in the prompt is "achievements or contributions", you should be presenting more than one scenario in your essay. There should be at least 2 representations of your achievements in order to qualify for the prompt requirement. Each of the achievements must be around 150 words each. The events will also be more effective if you portray one professional and one academic achievement or one professional and one socio-civic achievement. That is because the events will portray two sides of your personality and show how you perform in different scenarios. While this essay is good, it focuses too much on only one event. So the reviewer does not get to know more about you as a person / professional / student. You must balance the discussion in order to fully utilize the benefit of the plural form of the prompt concept. It will be more advantageous for your application.

You definitely need to include a concluding paragraph in the essay. That will give it a proper closure that currently does not exist. The essay sounds like it abruptly ended, just as the opening statement also needs to be revised so that it sounds smoother in presentation. Remember that you are now presenting two information in relation to the prompt requirement. So your opening statement and your conclusion will need to reflect that change. The second story is not reflected in the opening statement so that makes its appearance in the essay sudden and awkward. It becomes smoother if it is included in the discussion outline in the opening statement. BTW, this is my final free advice to you. I would love to continue helping you develop this essay to perfection. However, I can only do that if you turn this essay into an "Urgent" thread where I can continue to advice you on a longer basis.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 about "What are the changes of family structures and family roles" [2]

Yolanda, the main problem with this essay is that it focused itself on the "Once Child Policy" of China. This was a misunderstanding of the prompt on your part because the prompt did not indicate any particular reasons for the statement. Therefore, it is generalized statement that required a general, not country or policy specific discussion. By focusing your statement on the one child policy, you inadvertently changed the prompt discussion topic and by association, declared a totally different essay than what was originally instructed. Note that all IELTS essays, unless indicating the need for a personal opinion or experience, must be discussed in a general manner, not specific to any country or policy.

Another problem is the way that you delivered your opinion of the matter as single line sentence in the conclusion. This is a common mistake among the IELTS exam takers. The concluding statement can never contain your opinion or new information due to the lack of sentence space to defend the new idea. Your opinion should have been the 4th paragraph of the 5 paragraph essay. The conclusion should have merely wrapped up the discussion without presenting new ideas.

Due to the problems that exist in the presentation of your essay, I do not think that you can score higher than a 4 with this argument.

Writing Feedback / Lights and shadows of being a known person [4]

Xuan, the highest score you can get or this essay is a 5 due to a number of missteps on your part. The first mistake that you made, was using the opening statement to address your opinion rather than building a proper introduction for the essay topic in the mind of the reader. The proper opening statement should have merely represented the topic for discussion, the 2 sides to be discussed, and an indication (not a statement) that your opinion will be discussed in the succeeding paragraphs.

Your opinion must never be discussed as a part of the opening statement because that is always expected to be a properly developed prompt discussion within one of the paragraph bodies. This is normally discussed in the 4th paragraph, leading into the 5th paragraph or concluding statement. In addition to that, the conclusion is also wrong because you presented a new idea, that you did not accurately develop, as part of your closing statement. That is not allowed in academic writing. The last paragraph is meant for a summation of the discussion and nothing more.

There are also spelling errors in your essay that show a lack of English vocabulary skills. The word is not spelled miss-step but rather "misstep". If you see a red line under the word that you typed, that is a solid indicator that you have wrongly spelled the word. Since you are judge on vocabulary and spelling, you need to make sure that you avoid such mistakes.

Due to these problems, there is no way that your essay, though properly argued, can score higher than the 5 that I indicated above.

Book Reports / 'The Great Gatsby' and 'Streetcar Named Desire': comparison essay [3]

Sam, this is a very thorough review of "Gatsby" and "Streetcar". It portrays insightful knowledge and an understanding of the text, based upon the review of others. I found it difficult to distinguish between your opinion and the opinions that were gained from your reading of the work of other people in relation to the material though. Unless you are not allowed by your professor, I believe it would be good for your essay if you take ownership of certain portions by indicating a clear opinion or analysis using the first person pronouns. Otherwise, you need to develop a way to show the difference between your opinion and the opinion of the other writers. By doing so, the essay will develop an even more authoritative and original presentation. Aside from that very small observation, the overall presentation is informative, analytical, and strong. Making for a very well written comparison essay.

Undergraduate / AIF - Honours Arts at the University of Waterloo [2]

Julie, try to avoid general comments in your response which show that you just read the website and decided to try and apply at the university. Statements such as "...is known to be a cooperative and flexible first-year program." tells the reviewer that you do not have a deeper understanding of the requirements and benefits of the program that you chose. It would be best for you to remove that line and just open the statement with "As someone who..." Do not mention "starving artists", those unsuccessful in your field should not figure into the essay because it sounds demeaning to those who are "struggling artists" of which you will be or a period of time after graduation. Just say "With the help of Waterloo's co-op program..." That will deliver a more insightful tone that reflects you educational goal, interest in the program, and reasons for your university choice.

Writing Feedback / workers commuting to work. IELTS Writing Task 1 - Paraphrasing INTRODUCTION [4]

Thao, I have already corrected your one sentence opening statement in my previous thread. So I will not be giving you a second example in this response. However, I will caution you against continuing your preferred since sentence opening statement. The IELTS test requires a minimum of 3 sentences, maximum of 5 per paragraph. That is how your English comprehension, sentence development, and written abilities are scored. So even while you prefer to write only single sentence for the introduction, you should not do it. That will immediately lower your overall score and could result in your failing the exam. By the way, this is your final free advice for this thread. I will not be responding to you anymore regarding your work in this section. If you feel that you need to continue this discussion with me, sign up for the Urgent thread where I can continue to discuss this essay with you.

Graduate / How your education and work, and life experience will contribute to your classmates' MBA experience [4]

Serik, you totally concentrated on discussing your academic and professional experiences in the essay. That is not the correct approach to take. You have to represent 3 aspects of your personality in the essay. Aside from the professional and academic side of your personality, you also need to show the "life experience" that you have had which will help you and your classmates to adjust to the demanding world of masters degree classes in a country that is not your own. In truth, paragraphs 2,3, and 4 are not necessary in the essay. Mostly because it focuses only on the professional side of your personality. There are 3 expected representations in the essay. Make sure to revise the essay to accurately represent the academic, professional, and social life that you have had. All of these should combine to create a better written representation of the kind of professional, student, and private person that you are in real life. Without that balance in the discussion, this is nothing more than a professional statement, which is not what is required of you by the prompt instructions.

Graduate / UK Engineering - Personal Statement for master course [3]

Taekeun, avoid discussing the purpose for your study in the personal statement. That is best presented and developed as an essay discussion in the Statement of Purpose essay. Instead focus on the development of your interest in the field and the motivation to choose to study in the UK. As a personal statement, I assume that this being written for a specific university and not just for a scholarship application since you did not indicate a scholarship in your instructions. Therefore, one of the major motivating factors that needs to be properly developed and discussed will be the reason why you chose the university to study in.

I am not sure but it doesn't sound like you indicated a university choice in the personal statement. That is an expected part of the information you will be presenting in the statement. Rather than focusing on the country where you will be studying, you should be focusing on the university and the reasons why you chose to study there. In a personal statement, you have the opportunity to show your enthusiasm for, not only the course you will be studying, but the university that you chose as well in relation to the academic, internship, and professional opportunities that it offers the student. That excitement indicates that you will grab the opportunity to shine as a member of the international community of masters degree students there.

Writing Feedback / Second language learning at primary school. Both positive and negative aspects. [3]

Maruko, I dare say that you have written an essay worthy of emulation of the other students here. Why is that? Well, your work, though not as fluent in English as it can be, was actually good enough to, in my opinion score a 7 in the grading bracket. The best work from your essay is the fact that you showed an ability to not only understand, but accurately paraphrase the prompt requirements. The line of reasoning that you used showed a good grasp of English grammar and sentence formation abilities. While there were some errors in structure, the errors did not cause confusion for the reader. So there are a lot of plus points for this essay. There was however, one small mistake and that was in the conclusion that you wrote. The essay did not ask you for a personal opinion so you should not have signified any in the end. The format of your closing statement should have kept the general opinion tone that the essay asked you to use because the job of the essay was not to give an opinion but rather, to inform the readers so that they could make their own decision regarding the given topic.

Writing Feedback / workers commuting to work. IELTS Writing Task 1 - Paraphrasing INTRODUCTION [4]

Thao, always attach the image of the summary you are writing, even if you are only asking for advice regarding the paraphrased opening. That is because the chart contains all of the information that needs to be reflected in your restatement. Right now, I cannot tell if you accurately represent all of the information for a paraphrased statement or not. However, I will try and show you how to properly paraphrase the instructions given what you have provided above.

The graph indicates the number of commuters in the UK. The information is related to the mode of travel most popular in the UK which are by car, bus, or train. The comparison for the number of travelers for each transport style is compared for the years 1970 and 2030.

Your opening statement should never be shorter than 3 sentences in order to qualify as a properly developed paragraph. Whenever possible, aim to write 5 paragraphs in order to increase the possibility of a better score.

Scholarship / Passion and talent for languages; KGSP assion and talent for languages self-introduction Russia [3]

Natalia, your first paragraph does not apply to the essay requirement covering your course of life, point of view about life, and your ambitions for your future. You do not have to discuss your study life in the first paragraph. You mistakenly said study background when it is your point of view about life that is needed. Focus on the influence of your mother on your development as a person. Depict how your life situation affected your point of view about life and explain it. How did this ideology create the dreams and ambitions that you now have for your future?

Your academic academic background is solid. Use that paragraph as is for the academic background section. One area of concern though, is that you do not have any internships to speak of where you could imply a certain level of skill in international languages, specifically Korean. If you have even the slightest experience doing translation work during your free time, you have to mention it in the essay in order to strengthen your application when it comes to the professional background. Everything else about your motivation and reasons to study in Korea do not require additional information or adjustments as you have a very unique and interesting academic background that directly relates to your interest in Korea.

Scholarship / KGSP - SELF INTRODUCTION - Translation and Interpretation major [4]

No, they are not intertwined because you had to leave the school in order to accomplish the task. It is considered an internship if the school mandated the office work. It is professional work experience if you heard about it from school, had to apply for the job, then get hired. Either way, these are considered work experience and should not be discussed as part of your academic development. The work experience is hands on and not theoretical. That is why you should discuss these separately. The reason why it became intertwined with your academic side is because you chose to discuss it that way. Revising the content of the essay to separate the presentation will allow you to better focus the discussion in the manner that the prompt requires. which is one paragraph for a developed academic presentation then one paragraph for a professional discussion. By the way, this is my final free advice on your essay. If you feel that you require further assistance from me, consider having this essay listed as "Urgent" where I can continue to advice you until you finalize your essay.

Writing Feedback / Discussion about if dinosaurs are endotherms [5]

Shunan, the summary that you wrote is acceptable if it is to be based upon the content of the audio file / transcript that you provided. The only problem I have with your presentation is that it has a highly mechanical feel to it. While I know that you had to take notes during the time you were listening to the audio file, that does not mean that your presentation had to be in the direct tone that the audio file provided. The essay requires a more engaging tone coming from you, as the listener and summary presentor, The tone that you use and the interesting presentation of the discussion would show that you did more than just take notes during the playing of the file, it would have proven that you were actually listening and engaged in the analytical thought process related to consideration the two sides of the discussion. That said, this was an excellent effort on your part. Try to work on creating a more interest manner of writing these summary essays in your next practice sessions. It is important that you somehow convey the idea that you weren't just taking notes all this time. You have to show an interest and ability to analyze the information on another level. I guess the score for this essay would be somewhere within the 5 range in an actual setting.

Writing Feedback / Protecting wildlife through zoos? [2]

Hoang, since this is the very first essay that you have written for the IELTS practice test, I will give an allowance for the problems in your writing. For starters, the presentation of your ideas lack coherence. It is difficult to understand your statements in every paragraph due to the problematic grammar and sentence development. This causes stress on the part of the reader because I am unable to immediately understand what it is that you are trying to say. This is an English expression problem, meaning you have difficulty when expressing yourself in English.

Another problem with your essay is the format in which you wrote the essay. Rather than giving a stand alone opinion, supported by your own thoughts, concerns, experiences, or examples, you simply agreed with the previous statements that you made in the essay. The essay clearly indicates that you are supposed to deliver an opinion of your own, not a simple agreement. You have to defend your agreement in the form of an opinion statement.

These major problems with your essay development and presentation limited the probable score of your work to a 4 in the band score range. While it may be difficult for you to get started in improving your scores, just keep on writing. You will improve your score without even noticing it. The improvement of your score depends upon how you develop in your practice tests.

Scholarship / Practical examples to use the knowledge and possible constraints - AAS Essay [6]

Dany, it all depends upon the narrative that you want to deliver at this point. If you insist that the research is relevant and you can actually convince the reviewer of your reasons, then do it. I won't stop you. I cannot give you any more advice at this point as per the new forum policies. If you want to make sure that your response actually represents the required answers though, I suggest that you consider connecting with me privately using the Services link above. At this point that is the only way that I can get back to you. It would be the best way to ensure a thoroughly developed and responsive statement on your part for both questions. I'll be happy to do my part in finalizing the paper for you because you seem to have difficulties in creating the final form due to additional ideas on your part.

Undergraduate / How will participating Honors Program help you reach your academic and professional aims? [2]

Zack, the last paragraph in the essay should be kept intact and used to close the revised version of your essay. The first two paragraphs do not accurately reflect the academic and professional benefits that you can gain from being a part of the Honor's Program. Try to write an opening statement that explains your motivation to succeed. If you were a high school Honor Student, then explain the Honor's Program as a continuation of your desire to receive topnotch academic training that will challenge you on a daily basis. Explain how you thrive on academic challenges how that makes the Honor's Program the logical next step for you in college. Delve on the specialized classes and training, maybe even go so far as to make reference to the Honor's Housing, as reasons why you will be able to better excel academically under the program.

As for the professional aspect. You have to choose one career to represent in the essay. The one that would benefit the most from an Honor's Program recognition in your diploma and your resume. I think that would be as an Engineer. Rather than explaining your current accomplishments in the medical field as a volunteer, you have to look forward to when you have graduated, are applying for a job at the hospital, or pursuing additional academic training in relation to your chosen profession. All of the responses you provide need to be forward looking, not past, not present, just keep moving forward in terms of your responses.

Writing Feedback / CLEP English Comp essay - discuss potential merits of various learning forms [3]

M, this is another 5 score essay on your part. The main problem that you have with your writing is that you hold back when it comes to offering an insight into your personal experience/s regarding the topic being discussed. That happened twice in this essay. First you discussed the lessons you learned about in the textbook. Then failed to discuss how you learned from the practical applications of the theories you gained from the academic teaching of the book. Your reference to Exchange City suffers from the same problem. If you are to successfully argue the validity of a balanced value between experiential and academic learning, then you must clearly show how this has applied to your learning in real life. Your references are sound. It is just that your personal experience is under developed when that should be the most developed part since you are speaking of a time when you underwent the experience discussed. It should have been the strongest part of the essay. Such strong personal evidence or convictions would help to increase your score to a 6. There are no grammar problems, only discussion presentation problems in your work.

Scholarship / Checking different internet articles to get information about AAS [2]

Dany, start from the beginning. The essay must be approached from a chronological order. When did you first hear about the AAS? From whom? Why were you encouraged to look into it? After you establish the foundation of your interest in the program, then you can accurately go into a discussion of the efforts you have undertaken to learn more about the scholarship. Just respond in relation to the AAS scholarship. Do not discuss TESOL in this instance as that is not a relevant part of the AAS. That is merely the scholarship you are applying for and not the scholarship foundation itself. That discussion should not be included here. Reorganize the overall essay so that is has a more logical presentation of the steps that you took to prepare for your application. Reflect a strong sense of familiarity with the program because of the information you discovered which led to your application. That is what the reviewer wants to learn about.