Undergraduate / "my diverse contribution of my background" - LAW SCHOOL ADMISSION [3]

I like that introduction! I think it needs a short sentence added to the end. It should be a very quick sentence... < 10 words ;-)

Though the sexism, racism and prejudice that I have faced as an African American woman is are not ...---Well, you should give a brief example of some of it... if you do not give a little example, it is rather meaningless to say this.

... challenges to my personal and professional goals I don't think you should say "challenges to my goals."
, I continue to strive to make a positive contribution to society and to fight against the negative stigmas associated with inclusion in certain demographic groups. nevermind that, it is not all about the diversity. Take this opportunity at the end to share your legal interests and ideas...

As a result, I am excited about my future opportunities and look forward to contributing my unique perspective and life's experiences to the practice of law and helping to advance the State of Louisiana. this part, too...it is empty of meaning. It is just some nice sounding words. You need to end the essay with something substantial. Share a real thought about law and how you can make a big splash in the world after completing their program. :-)

Writing Feedback / Daydreaming Experience Paper [4]

Rottencandy, what a great username!
Well, I think you should change all the "you" to "I"
It's manipulating things to happen the way you I want them to happen.

This essay has a lot of words that put me into a good state of mind. It has a surreal quality! I especially like the beginning. You got a great effect with that tentative, hesitant rhythm.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Fashion" - an essay for the art institute of philadelphia [7]

Separate it into paragraphs. When it is all one paragraph, it is like when my mouse, ipod, and power cord get all tangled up around the cat.

;-)

Writing Feedback / Essay about the E-learning according to teachers - feedback [8]

It's a well-known fact that most of the time teachers disapprove of e-learning.

Let's see what the real fact is.--What about the teachers that participate in e-learning? I think you should cite a source for your information. Many teachers like e-learning. Many teachers are working toward their masters degrees while taking online classes.

For instance, my friend James is not so fond of doing Mathematics in the early morning, exactly similar to me. ---Ha ha, I love this sentence. I don't think anyone likes doing math early in the morning. Ha ha, friends don't make friends do math early in the morning.

When you name someone in the sentence, use a comma on each side:
My friend, James, lives in Australia's outback, and...

Unfortunately, he hasn't got any other friend except me.---Great example. I think you understand the psychology of language very well.

It's worth mentioning that the e-learning expects a lot of motivations and to be self-disciplined .

Unlike him, I'm slothful and careless; therefore, I gave up after 2 months.---Ha ha, i really like your style. You must be very confident if you are willing to admit your faults.

Writing Feedback / Whom in your country would you choose to build a statue for? [3]

Use rightly to modify a verb, not a noun.
...as a righteous candidate, because she is good-hearted, modest, and unwilling to surrender to adversity.

Being a vegetable vendor in a market, it is unlikely to that she will have enough...

When you put 2 sentences together to make a compound sentence, use a comma: It is indeed a thoughtful idea, and we should really take it seriously.

Last, by this report we realize what was happening on to her.

Excellent. I think this is a strong essay. It might be a good idea to talk about how seeing a statue of her will benefit people. For example, is her lesson about kindness the most important lesson for people to see these days? Maybe it is.

Writing Feedback / Television promotes propaganda and it destroyed the communication among friends and family? [7]

Oh, wait a minute, whose essay did I correct? Now I am confused. :-)


Nope. Look up the word redundant.It means you do not need both.
Although these two words accomplish the same thing in a sentence, yet only one of them is necessary.
Although These two words accomplish the same thing in a sentence, yet only one of them is necessary.

I do not know how to score the toefl, but I think you both can pass. You make some mistakes, but they are minor.

Writing Feedback / Essay about independency and a choice between living with family or moving out [6]

I'm a young adult,and I prefer to stay apart with my parents than moving outside. There are several reasons. as followed. (Add a sentence that tells about your main reason or a theme that can help the reader remember your essay.)

She has an disease that affects her lungs, and she cannot walk by herself, so she always sits on the wheelchair.

Moreover,my parents are getting older,and they might feel tired taking care of her. Thus,I am the one who is responsible and suitable to take care of my grandma.---You sound like an excellent person.

In conclution conclusion, taking good care of my family,having a good relationship,and saving money is are such wonderful things to me.

:-)

Book Reports / King Lear Paragraph - Forming a good topic sentence? [4]


I don't think this is worded correctly.

The first one is better. I think you should put a semi-colon after castle.
:-)

Scholarship / "Tell us why you apply for URA scholarship" (Urban Redevelopment Authority) [4]

You need to throw a punch at the beginning of the essay. Catch the reader's attention with a bold sentences that expresses your main idea... something that feels inspired. That is how to throw a punch at the beginning.

also...
As a West Coast resident for almost 10 years, I have been the eyewitness for the vast changes in my area over the decade to _________ and _________. (name some instead of being vague).

I am facing a dilemma of whether to shorten the content of my "Tell us why you apply for URA scholarship" essay, so as to include them in the two sections, or to write entirely new content---No, no, your problem is the opposite. You do not have enough opportunities to really express what you want to do. If you go deep and consider your real goals and values, you will see that you need multiple opportunities to share with the reader your big idea.

When you have identified your real purpose, your real passion, you will be able to explain the SAME, single concept in many different ways, and you will WANT to have the chance to explain it in different ways.

Research Papers / Anabolic Steroids research - am I on the right path? [3]

When you add an "extra" phrase to a sentence like this, you should use commas:
Anabolic steroids can only be taken two different ways, orally or intravenously, and both...

not borth (??) to be 300 pounds or jump 30 feet.

At the end of the essay, it ends a bit abruptly. Maybe you should add one more paragraph to succinctly repeat the main message of the essay.

This is very good! Hey, what is going on with the MA here... are you missing a set of parentheses? ---> ver dies this way"3 These

:-)

Undergraduate / "My grandfather taught me a lot about the world" - Peace Corps Application Essays [4]

My grandfather taught me a lot about the world.----I would hope so... seems like an ordinary thing. This does not make it an interesting beginning for an essay. Scratch that sentence out and start here:

The most memorable thing my grandfather ever said was, "One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching."

...love meeting new people and putting myself in new situations breaking lingering concepts of "normal."---Ah, very good, quirky people are the best people. And you owe your quirky unconventionality to your grandfather. Notice that I added " " marks to that word normal.

Capitalize:
I understand what the Corps is asking of its' volunteers, but I have done it. The Corps is looking for people willing to leave...---I think that is the best way. Because you are shortening the name of it.

You will definitely be one of the most impressive applicants... I hope you have a great experience in the Peace Corps and discover what you best and love to do most.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that a college or university education should be available to all [2]

I like the "first, second, third" structure you used for the essay. That keeps the reader focused on the main idea you are expressing.

This sentence is too simple:
In conclusion, higher education is by far important for students in many ways.
You have to give it some meaning. Every sentence needs a little meaning...
In conclusion, higher education is by far important for students because of their need for ___________.

:-)

It is not too inaccurate! Nobody write's perfectly. Native speakers do not write perfectly.

Scholarship / "the opportunity to obtain a secondary education" Center Foundation Scholarship [4]


typo


I am very impressed with the essay up until this sentence. This sentence does not powerfully express the idea of the paragraph. the first sentence of a paragraph should (usually) express the main idea of the paragraph in an interesting way.

Wow, this really is a very impressive essay. The way to make it more impressive is to start reading some books written by specialists in your chosen field, and write a little about them. Also add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph, and make it a sentence that expresses the main idea of the essay as it relates to your specific career interest (even if you are not sure what your career will be, write in terms of one of your interests).

Let that last sentence of the first paragraph be a thesis statement that tells the main idea of the essay in a way that shows your seriousness about your carefully devised plan.

:-)

Writing Feedback / corporal punishments to students [6]

Why do you think it is the corporal punishment that instills respect? Is there anything else that might instill respect?

Lack of discipline and character formation can leads lead to anarchy.

When there is no discipline in schools children will have their legs upon the desk and will hang around in the class while taking classes.

However punishment should have a limit. Punishment should be mild so that next time the student won't repeat the same mistake again and again. Instead punishment should not be harsh in order to show teachers hatred and vengeance towards the student which will have an adverse effect in student's career.

To conclude corporal punishments should be given to students with a motive correct them. Discipline, career, moreover character should be moulded in childhood itself for a better tomorrow.

Undergraduate / "there are benefits to failure" - UT Austin SOP Transfer Essay [4]

All I know is that you had to withdraw and work for a while. That happens to people who have to work to get their educations. Sometimes, their grades suffer because of working, and that is okay. People who stop school because they need to work are good people who deserve an opportunity.

The next day I went to class and the difference was like putting on glasses when you've had blurry vision your entire life. Issues in World Politics was no longer an intimidating lecture; it was fantastic and easy, and my brain ...---wow, this is very interesting. Well, it was better because they put you on ritalin or something, right? That stuff sure can help a person focus!

There are some great tricks you can use to get yourself interested. The thing is, I have trouble paying attention, too, when I am not interested in something, so I have to really enter a meditative state of mind and enjoy the subject. Only if I am enjoying it can I pay attention... and I am enjoying your essay right now! It is very well-written, very interesting as soon as you get to the part where you compare it to putting on glasses for the first time. Great job!

I like everything about this essay.

Grammar, Usage / climb or climb up? GRAMMAR QUESTION [6]

You get to use prepositions in your own way. Do what you like.
I didn't want to climb that hill.
I didn't want to climb the mountain.
I had to climb back down the mountain.
Then, I had to climb up the mountain again.
First I climb up, and then I climb down.

In most sentences, you can just write climb.
My mother climbed into the ring and knocked out Mike Tyson.
Mike Tyson woke up and climbed back to his feet.
My mother does not like to climb stairs.

Undergraduate / "my interest in technology and engineering" - University of Toronto Supplement [2]

I think you should say music box instead of musical box.
... old music box at home. I was...

Pretty good.. you told about disassembling and reassembling the music box in a story that is very intriguing.

do not capitalize high school:
As I entered High Schoo high school l I was introduced to...

You can get more specific about the kind of work you want to do as an engineer. What kinds of engineering are you most interested in, and will you have a specialization in a particular industry? Imagine that you have already completed school and worked for 10 years. What would you say about your career interests?

Get very specific about your goals. I think this is impressive already, though!

Undergraduate / "learn the most from what you do every day" - Spelman College personal [2]

A great unknown author said, "The essence of...

Keep it in the past tense: After leaving the orphanage I realized what I wanted to do with my life.

I love how resilient and inspiring children are, so I want to work with them, and after seeing how much the children need medical care I have decided to become a doctor for underprivileged children.---This is a great goal! I hope you find a lot of success.

You should start some of the paragraphs with sentences about seeking knowledge and commitment to service. Make sure they know that you are answering the prompt.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "School Bells " - kindergarten essay [7]

Great edit, Kathy!

I wasn't a very big fan about of school; my mom...

Antonio, notice that Kathy corrected your spelling of "Turning" (You left out a letter).

Try using those corrections Kathy offered, and let's see a new draft. Or maybe you have some more of the story. Is this part of an autobiography?

You should try to express a THEME that will give the story meaning. What is the concept that this story is about?

Writing Feedback / Competitive children admire the sense of fulfillment therefore they are always trying to be better. [6]

...childrens' characters and future lives .

Besides, they will hold future responsibilities for a country. ( I changed it to the "active voice") will be held by them .

In conclusion, I would concede that competition do does come with some adverse effects.

Despite that, created benefits far...

:-)

Dissertations / PhD topic in American studies / Literature criticism [8]

You should read some articles that interest you, and pay attention to the literature reviews. That means you should look at all the recent articles people have written and see what the current "state" of the literature is.

It is like a big conversation that goes on and on with all the people interested in American studies participating in it. Every time you write something, it is like contributing to the conversation.

So... you have to read and read. Read all the article that have been written about your topic recently.
What is the most recent article you have seen about Wright's work? What would be your response to that author?

You can do it! It is enjoyable, because this is the topic you are interested in. So, finding your topic is just like figuring out something to say in a conversation.

:-)

Undergraduate / My education and personal /professional goals - PURDUE ESSAY [5]

I was fascinated by the movies like Air Force One and Top gun. I am also a big fan of the flight simulator franchise . I think you should cut these 2 sentences out of that first paragraph. They keep asserting the same idea, and they do not change anything. They are too simple. I think they should be taken out so that you can quickly get to the point and talk about how you started to INTELLECTUALLY pursue the interest. For example, I really like this sentence:

I opted for all science subjects in my high school as my quest for studying airplanes and space crafts increased with passage of time. ---very good.

Here is one more correction:

Till date I did not had Until now I had no opportunity to interact with...

Try writing a new draft with the corrections we gave.

:-)

Writing Feedback / The socialization of children determines the way of society development [4]


What do you mean? It's a sentence you copied from another essay? You should change some words to make your essay original.

About those other topics, a good approach is to try to show both sides of the situation. For example, ritual preserved culture but it also preserves stereotypes and cultural differences associated with isolationism and racism.

Culture is both good and bad.

If you show both sides of every issue and then tell YOUR opinion, you will do well!

Research Papers / Michael Vick argumentative paper outline [3]

Yeah, I think animal rights has to be the issue. I assume that if he had molested children, we would no longer let him be a role model as an athlete in the NFL, probably. So, that must mean that we do not take animal abuse as seriously as child abuse. If you want to say he should not be allowed to play anymore, you have to make an ethical argument about animal abuse.

If you were assigned the task of writing an outline, we cannot do it for you. That is your challenge. Google this: how to write outline argumentative paper

Think of 3 arguments you want to make, and then look at them to see what is the main argument that encapsulates them all.

:-)

Scholarship / Lunch with Audrey Hepburn + Economics - UCLA scholarship [4]

The conversation with Audrey Hepburn is a great idea. Can you connect it to your plans and goals? For example, how does someone with your career interest think about her accomplishments. See if you can incorporate your academic and career goals.


Good! Can you be more specific? Give a little detail here about your main theme. That is all the reader will remember.
I really like that second essay, though, Helen. Great writing, there...
You need one poignant theme... a little more defined than just healing the economy... andexpress it at both the beginning and end. :-)

Undergraduate / Miami University: common app, my father influential [2]

Hi Felicia, sorry I never helped with this one. Was it successful? In November there were so many essays, some people did not get much help. Yang always gives great help, though. You have to put up with his quirky personality. :-) But no, I am just kidding. It is not rudeness.. it is just that this stuff is hard to talk about. Criticism is criticism.

Undergraduate / "Quality education in rich communities" - Why The College of Wooster? [5]

locals
local
Actually, that first sentence should be cut, because it is too simple and obvious.

500 characters is not a lot of space to write! You should make it all about your plan, your goals. What is your goal? What is the area of specialization that interests you? Do you have more than one career interest?

I think you should write about why this school is the best school for achieving your unique goal. :-)

Writing Feedback / equal importance; Better to have broad knowledge or specialize in one subject? [2]


Okay, I'll make some changes for you to study.
Do not say "learn knowledge."

There are a lot of different ways for people to learn gain knowledge.

Oh, here is another one:
...makes him or her think thoughtfully carefully and critically.--Do not say "think thoughtfully."

When encountering some problems, he or she could consider them from variable angles, trying to figure out solutions from different aspects perspectives.---Again, this is not a big deal, but I am just trying to refine it.

...from the manufacturing industry to finance industry, and even in some newly development developing fields.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS:companies rather than government pay for and conduct most scientific research [3]

Use a spell checker:
In contemprory sciety society, the issue...

that private corporations invest in and administer the scientific research is increasingly concerned and sparks much debates.----I don't think this is a good way to start an essay. I see a lot of essayists do this, and I don't know who is teaching them to do it. You should not start an essay by saying, "Recently, the topic of ____ has become the subject of debate." That is just not true... so it makes the essay start in a bad way. It is better to start with a sentence that expresses your most interesting idea about the subject.

... by private firms promotes the development of science and technology.

Admittedly,the technology in which private enterprises invest causes problems.The reason for this is...

Overall,I am convinced that the merits of allocating money to scientific research by private enterprises outweigh the weakness.

:-)

Undergraduate / Adjusting to Foreign Environment (Peace Corps) [2]

pretty weak if anyone--- :-)

In this case, you need "during"
During my junior year of...

... an integral part in helping plan and prepare for the museum's annual fundraising event the other was to conduct archival research to help the museum. (end the paragraph)

New paragraph:
There were many...

It's important to use paragraphs! That is what enables the reader to make sense of it all. Introduce every paragraph with a paragraph topic sentence. Google that if necessary: paragraph topic sentence

patient, flexible, and willing how to learn to adjust to new challenges.--This kind of stuff is too abstract. You should revise the essay to focus on ONE theme, and I think that theme should be your career/educational goal. You should try to talk about the experience as it relates you your career/educational interests.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Put my college degree good use by helping people" why I want to join the Peace Corps [2]

I want to serve in the Peace Corps because I believe it would be a good way to put my college degree good use by helping people. obviously. Too obvious... and also, you should not use "good" twice in a row like that, because it is a little awkward.

Throughout my life I have been taught to help those who are in need. ---Now this is a better way to start the essay! :-)

At Loyola Marymount University they challenged their student body to live a life for others. As a recent graduate I want to take up this ...this is very good stuff. I think getting rid of that first sentence will make it perfect. The rest of this paragraph is great.

Run on sentence: I recognize that I am responsible for my conduct and that I am representative of the United States therefore I should conduct myself to the highest standard of ethics.------Put a period after "States." and start a new sentence.

Another run on:
I feel that it is a long time to be away, however, I have been away for long periods of time before and understand that it is important to the experience to be away for that length of time.

Put a period after away. Or.. you can use a semi-colon.

Great job, this is impressive!

Undergraduate / "the opportunity to improve our health" - Issue of importance UT Transfer [2]

Here are a few things I found for you to fix/work on;

Ever since being successful has been a crucial aspect in today's modern world,...I think it has been a crucial aspect since people lived in caves!

...health negligence is an issue that seems to have been put on the back burner.

People are often finding it hard to come across aachieve balance in their lives to the point that health-related problems are often ignored until they reach a critical stage.

Usually people will not take a step in the right direction unless it affects them personally in one way or another.

...does not mean we should quit our jobs and spend 8 hours a day at the gym, but we should dedicate some of our time to taking care of our bodies on a daily basis.

Undergraduate / "to be submerged in a new academic setting" - University of Texas SOP (thoughts) [2]

People always say that college is a time to learn and to learn about yourself .

I came from a large, public high school in Texas and I was excited for a change of pace.

I fell in love with psychology in high school and the courses I've taken in college have shown me that not only my passion, but my future lies in liberal arts.

I have decided at this pointthat a liberal arts education from The University of Texas at Austin is what is the best course of action for me .

I intend to utilize every resource and opportunity presented, to make sure that I maximize my potential and take full advantage of all that the University of Texas has to offer.

This is nicely written, good luck in school and have fun!
: )

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay- It's better to marry someone who is similar to you or different from you [4]

Put the word "A" ion front:
A wedding is an ...

Unfortunetely in our society things aren't so easy and do not happen as we expec t.

People meet, fall in love, marry, have children and sometimes get divorced.---This is a very good sentence.

I think you should google this: How to write paragraphs correctly

Use paragraphs, and when you end a paragraph it will give you a chance to write a sentence that will be very meaningful. Write a meaningful sentence at the end of a paragraph, and the reader will think about that sentence more than the other sentences.

So, use paragraphs to emphasize your most important sentences.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Toefl- Should school buy computers or books? Both are indispensible in our lives [3]


No way! The cost of a computer plus Internet service = a few hundred but when you have them they are worth thousands of books. You can read thousands of books online. And you save a lot of trees.

Are the piece of information reliable ? Is the information on the Internet reliable?
Yes, it is as reliable as the information in books. In fact, I think I recently heard about educators in Texas wanting to rewrite text books to promote their ideologies!

The more books the library have, the more sources they could tap. If they don't have enough books, I think students may not be willing to go there anymore. ---Well, I disagree. Give me a computer, and I can find you access to a million books. :-)

Okay, please type the essay again and include the changes suggested by Clare. I have one more for you:
In conclusion, if a school would buy books instead of computers, they will would save more money and offer a better quality for learning. ---Keep it the same. Would and will are 2 different verb tenses.

Okay, please practice by typing it again! :-)

Undergraduate / "hope to be a specialist doctor" - motivating myself [4]

Hello MikeyLikey, do you know the rules for capitalization?
Capitalize names, and capitalize the first words of sentences.

She was named Suriaty, by his her late father. Well, that was me!

I was brought up in a big, loving family.

...so when they call me twice it becomes susu which means milk. ---Ha ha!! Very good. You made my day.

Look, you did not capitalize: ill just ignore...
I'll just...

Capitalize: Justin Bieber stuff.

I am a huge fan of Justin Bieber.----Oh, I see that you DO know how to capitalize names! :-)

I talk, dream and think about him all the time.---Ha ha, that is cute.

heart attact attack

... like how our body systems function, ...

Eventually, I keep motivating myself by telling myself that I will be successful one day.

Okay, if you really want to be successful, I have some homework for you to do. I can only tell you about how to write well in English, so this is my advice: Please spend 10 minutes every day reading articles on the Internet, and READ THEM ALOUD. Speak the words. Then, type at least 3 sentences.

If you do that every day, you will have a totally different life. Can you find time to read 10 minutes each day? You already have a great way of writing, but you have mistakes, so I need you to gain GOOD habits by reading. 10 minutes is not a long time! Read articles about health and medicine before breakfast every day.And you MUST speak them aloud slowly. And you MUST type at least 3 of the sentences while speaking them slowly.

:-)

Writing Feedback / toelf-A transportation vehicle that has changed people's lives. [6]


I don't know.. I would have to go with the bicycle, because before the bicycle... well, there were horses, so... I guess you are right! Cars have made the biggest difference!

Those who owing own cars might choose to enjoy their holiday near their hometown because it's convenient for them to go there.

In conclusion, although some would put the disadvantages of automobiles on the table, like the pollution from emissions, the noise of engines, the crowded traffic, and so on, the significance of its great contributions should never be shrugged off. Weighing the pros and cons of automobiles, I still hold the view that the automobile has changed people's lives more than other vehicles.---Look to find all the changes I made, and you can improve your writing by studying this sentence.

You know what? You do not have to talk only about the good effects. Automobiles change people's lives with pollution, accidents, and so forth. You can tak about the bad and good changes. It is not just supposed to be about good changes.

:-)

Writing Feedback / a society's ideas and values revealed by observation of its people---GRE [4]


Well, that much is obvious. Kevin made a correction that turned an incomplete sentence into a complete one.

Here is an example of an incomplete sentence:
However, when it comes to a society which composes by groups of people. ---This is not complete. It is only half a sentence.

Moreover, when it comes to some more hidden, deep-rooted values and ideas, the observation is impossible to function well. Unclear.
In the last part , I'm trying to say that Moreover, observing only people's outlooks and behaviors may not reveal some hidden, deep-rooted values and ideas associated with cultures and ideologies.---This is a beautiful sentence. I made some small changes, but they were not important. You wrote a great sentence here when you were explaining what you meant! :-)

Grammar, Usage / A noun that's a good substitution for "get-togethers"? [7]

Function, event, visit, party, shindig, meeting... I guess I like gathering.

Google this: online thesaurus

:-)

Graduate / LOW LSAT SCORE AND GPA ADDENDUM [4]


Hello dreamkat, you have a great username. Hey, this first sentence is uninteresting. So... because you included it, I feel that I should really emphasize the importance of making sure that the first sentence can stand a lone. Always write the first sentence of an essay in a way that makes it so that the reader would be interested in you after reading that first sentence. This one has got to go! :-) So... replace it with a witty, astute observation or question or... some strange idea.

Neither my LSAT score nor GPA may accurately reflect my aptitude for success in law school. The best indicators of my potential success in law are found outside of the LSAT/GPA ratio.---Look at what these 2 sentences accomplish. Take out the first one, and the second one is fine on its own. No need to overemphasize the unsatisfactory gpa and lsat.

so... Neither my LSAT score nor GPA may accurately reflect my aptitude for success in law school. The best indicators of my potential success in law are found outside of the LSAT/GPA ratio.

:-)