Writing Feedback / a short essay describing yourself as a person [3]


Very good point. Yes, you need to tell them things that help them know you as a person to understand that you are the right candidate for this program. Only a little is said in that respect in this short answer. Tell them about your interests in a more lively and personal manner. Pahan's above suggestion is a very good example for your approach . You love children and therefore you are confident of being with them and helping them a speedy recovery :D

Scholarship / Personal Essay about who I am and what I am passionate about. [6]


Well, I don't feel that these information would do any help for you. I feel what they want to know about you is somewhat different to these things. These facts are too personal and do not help them deciding that you are the right candidate ( or if you have already offered the scholarship, then they would want to know what type of character you are - your interests, beliefs, capabilities, background, etc.)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Joint family versus Independent family [5]


When you say small families, it means that you are taking about families of small size. However, your topic is not about the size of the family, but about the family relationships. I think you have gone out of track. Even your topic is out of topic. Your prompt actually does not deal with joint families vs independent families.

You need to pay lots of attention to what your prompt means. Read it very carefully and focus your writing to what it asks from you. Always stay aligned with your prompt.

Undergraduate / Our greatest glory is not in never failing,but in rising up every time: Recount a failure [3]


@ phamphuongnam - Hey, I found this in Writing Feedback forum. You should have posted it into Undergraduate forum and I moved this from there to Writing Feedback.

In my hometown-VungTau city, every year, there was a competition for gifted students in all secondary schools. When I was studying in grade nine, I was selected to become a member in Math team of my secondary school. Iand was very happy because I could havestood a chance to take part in the that competition among hundreds of very bright students.


.... I removed the redundant parts.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, nowadays it is more difficult to concentrate or pay attention in school. [7]

First, include the essay prompt in your essay so that we get a better understanding about it to provide you with more meaningful comments. Your topic title alone is not enough for that purpose :(


I think you need to improve the presentation of this idea. With this you are trying to introduce the issue to the reader. So, this is the most important part of your intro and it should be very very clear for the reader.

Scholarship / Explain any financial needs/situations that might clarify your need for a scholarship: [2]

I like if you change the tone of your writing. It is not written bad, but sounds more like a list of direct claims that you had good attendance, achievements etc. What does attendance represent? That's your commitment, isn't it? So tell things in a manner that you are committed and well deserving candidate for this scholarshop.


... After convincing those reasons, you should have said this at the end.

Writing Feedback / John Diefenbaker A Legendary Man Biography Essay [4]


He made this statement because he was a Canadian by birth with German origin.


John's early life was with some hardships, the family moved to several locations in Ontario. Not much information is available about his childhood. The Diefenbaker family moved west in 1903 with his father's, Mr. William Diefenbaker's new teaching appointment near Fort Carlton, then in the Northwest Territories.

Graduate / "Cease fire, cease fire!" ; Personal statement to Public Health Grad school [3]

Good writing. This para well introduces you as a person to them. I don't think it sounds too personal.


This is an important point matsumelrose has mentioned in his comment. In your second version too, it's not properly happening. Give some more weight to this aspect because it is the most important thing they would want to know.

Graduate / Human body is a beautifully intricate machine ; CAREER GOAL - NUTRITION - SAGE COLLEGE [2]

Impressive writing. I like the way you are presenting your career goals. Very creative as well as focused :)
Ok, after reading your full essay this is all I've got to comment;
It's written very well. Only, I wish you elaborated more on your career goals. You tend to talk more on your experience and knowledge in the field. Since this is about your career goals, I wish you align your writing a bit more with that.

Overall, very good job. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / "to teach or understand the concept of the topic" - purpose of teaching and learning is same [7]

Ok, then align your introduction with this prompt. You really don't have to talk about internet or iBooks as they are out of topic. Let's give a try again;

Education is considered as the key to success and therefore lots of attention is given to teaching methodologies and the learning process of students. (this is your hook which provides you an easy entrance to introduce your topic to the reader. This hook should be interesting and also relevant to your topic). Some people view that it is important to make students understand ideas and concepts than having them learned facts. (this is the background of your topic) I too agree with this view. (thesis statement - your opinion)

Writing Feedback / TOPic : Long distance flights use more fuel than cars & pollute the environment! [11]


... mankind makes the world citizen redundant.


...still it is incomplete. Let's fix that problem;
Especially in the area of transportation, the gases emitted by cars and planes contribute largely to this issue.

Writing Feedback / "pen and paper" examinations and your view. [3]


Yes, this is important :) Anyway I guess you practice for TOEFL or IELTS. If so, your essay is too short. Your essay should at least contain about 250 - 300 words for you to aim at a decent score. Follow the structure suggested by Pahan. It helps you earn a good score while managing your time efficiently. Remember, time has a major bearing on this task and therefore you need to pay lots of attention for that.

Undergraduate / Gettysburg College Supplemental Essay, Describe a situation 'Make a Difference' [3]

we occasionallyfrequently stopped what we were doing and I waited herhad to wait until she finished her work
Although Leu had an outstanding passion and aspiration for progressing withher language achievementlearning , she could not seem to make any progress because of her due to her obligations ] circumstances.

Writing Feedback / Task 2. Crime and Punishment. IELTS [9]

You write pretty well. However, I feel you need to have a deeper understanding about the essay structure that helps you earn a good score while managing time effectively since this task has a major bearing on time.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Professors should do more research or teach students? [11]


Hey.... Why not try a new topic .... You are quite good with your writing. It's only a matter of practicing your writing to follow a certain structure to help yourself with time and score :D


...100% agree with Pahan
This attempt is very good. Here's some more help with the structure, try a new topic :)

Writing Feedback / Pros or cons of mobile phone; contribution to society cannot be underestimated [8]

First, I have a small admin request for you - You need to open all your IELTS threads in Writing Feedback forum. (this was transfered from Essay Term papers to Writing Feedback by me)

Selecting the most appropriate forum is an EF rule :)
You write extremely well and it seems you have a good idea about the desired essay structure too. However, I am going to copy the one that we suggest and hope it'll be helpful for you.

Writing Feedback / The ocean is much like a woman; Descriptive piece about the ocean- 10 high level English [3]

Hi,
This essay should have been opened in Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for this essay. Please follow these forum rules.


Hey, this is a real good point :) Yep, you can highlight this feature :)
Overall, interesting writing :)

Writing Feedback / TOPic : Long distance flights use more fuel than cars & pollute the environment! [11]


mankind is one word "mankind" which means human race without any reference to a particular sex.


... this sentence is not complete. :(


... wrong grammar - I am agreeing / I agree
I strongly disagree


It is nicer if you concluded your essay with a sentence that expresses your opinion on the issue.

Speeches / My Hero: Carlos Miranda [5]


Are you talking about yourself or your father? Also, Carlos Miranda appears suddenly and abruptly. I think you need to improve the connections better with these characters. Then this flow would be arranged better.

Other than this clarity issue, it's written well :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Professors should do more research or teach students? [11]


Some people would say that teaching should be their first priority.
Again, you don't tell the reader about what others say -


This is the core of your issue. And you need to deliver very clearly to the reader .


This should be the last sentence of your intro as it is nicer when you conclude the intro with your opinion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: RICH NATION HELP POOR TO ESTABLISH HEALTH, EDUCATION AND TRADE AREAS [5]

Health, education and trade are 3the three pillars of development for any country.
Don't use numbers in essay writing unless you need to mention an year.


This is a poor sentence in terms of explaining the background of the issue to your reader. You need to elaborate the essential features of the issue. This is too short and abrupt giving a half said effect :(

Writing Feedback / Traffic jams in big cities - headache question for the government to solve [5]


Ok, then I need to request you to pay attention to these points when you open your new threads (the problems have already been fixed by us for this essay)

1. Have a meaningful title in the subject field when you open a new thread. Your title should describe the topic of your essay
2. Include the purpose of your writing, e.g. TOEFL, IELTS, GRE etc., in the title itself
3. Include the prompt together with your essay

Writing Feedback / Teenagers are encouraged to have part-time jobs - What do you think about this? [2]

I need to request two things from you - First, have a meaningful title for your essay when you open a new thread (in the Subject field). This title has been attended by us. Second, you should have opened this essay in the Writing Feedback forum.( This had been moved from the Graduate essays to Writing Feedback)

Also, it is always better if you include the purpose of your writing (e.g. IELTS, TOEFL, GRE, Classroom assignment etc.) in the title itself so that we can provide you with more task related feedbacks.

Writing Feedback / Some people fail on their school but achieve success in their adult life. Why do you think [3]


Well , this is a good way to start. But the problem is that it implies that all the children are not so good with their performance in their lessons. You need to fix that problem :(

We know that Steve Jobs, Akio Morita and many other famous people did not do so great during their college lives.


You don't adequately introduce the background of your topic;


You need to talk about this point - some people who failed in schools do great in their adult life.

Graduate / I was twenty when I knew what I wanted to do and my goal in life; Career goal [5]

No I don't find any issue with your grammar. In fact you write very well and you present your ideas very clearly. It is not about the grammar or presentation you need to worry about :)

However, you better pay more attention to align your answer more with the prompt and present your case more convincingly :)
Good luck with your application!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Some people think that government should provide unemployed people with a free cell [11]

In the wake of growing number of users of internet and member of social networks , many job agencies put a job vacancy notemay advertise on the websites rather than publishing in the newspapers or journals.

This is fine, but it is better for your example than the reason. Let's do this body para now;
First, in today's context, the mobile phones have become one of the most required devices in our lives. This is due to our heavy dependence on automated communication systems. Therefore mobile phones are very useful for the job seekers. For example, in the wake of growing number of users of internet and social networks, many job agencies use online advertisements.

Graduate / Learning of business practices; Personal Statement 【Master of Accounting】 [5]

Well, the main issue with your writing I find is the length of your sentences :D It actually makes reader to feel like giving up reading your sentences in full. You need to pay attention to this issue very seriously because the admission officers read hundreds of applications in one go. So make your sentences short and direct to the point. The above line too is pretty long. You actually do not need to have poetic stuff in you PS. But you need to have facts. They give more priority for factual writing.

Graduate / I was twenty when I knew what I wanted to do and my goal in life; Career goal [5]


.... I think this is not necessary to state explicitly. Let them feel so through reading your response. That would be more convincing too.
Well, if this prompt is to talk about your career goals, you need to have more focus on them. The first few paras do not answer that properly, instead they take different direction altogether.

Writing Feedback / Solutions to improve public health. [6]

What is the purpose of this writing? Is it for TOEFL, IELTS, GRE? It's better you mention the purpose so that we can provide you with more task related comments :)


I fully agree. You have very good writing skills. You have good grammar, vocabulary, sentence structures etc. However, you need to stay aligned with the prompt. This is the main weakness I too found in your writing, especially with the introduction. That's why both eddies and Pahan have made those comments.

Undergraduate / Georgia Tech Transfer Essay for International Student in Bio medical Engineering [3]

Well, you have just made statements that your ambition is to use your full potential to further studies at Georgia and it is the best place for you personally and academically. However, you have not said why you think so. Do some research on Georgina and find out how it can help you follow your future goals. You need to present more convincing facts to them to understand that you deserve to follow this course.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay for Public Health masters program with focus on Nutrition [3]


... how about cultural aspects? I guess they too have some influence, aren't they? For example, certain religious beliefs too may affect this situation.


I would say my interests and passions towards eliminating these disparities comescome from my upbringing, as a foster child, never staying in one house or shelter for long(better stop here). I lived without any discipline in many regards. Until I met the people I now call my parents I lacked many important skills that allow someone to take care of themselves, and keep them healthy.

Writing Feedback / "to teach or understand the concept of the topic" - purpose of teaching and learning is same [7]

It's good if you included the topic here. Then we know exactly what it expects. Make sure you do that with other essays :)


I too think so. Always stay aligned with your topic. Pahan has explained what your topic expects from you.

Graduate / Learning of business practices; Personal Statement 【Master of Accounting】 [5]

.... Sorry for being late :(


.... this is good, but I feel it would be better if you made it shorter or had two sentences instead of one as it appears to be a bit too longer for me.


Hey... this one is even longer. You need to shorten the length of your sentences. The long sentences require the reader to memorize all those details and this disturbs his interest in your writing :(

Scholarship / Scholarship essay towards a college summer program [3]

I believe the scholarship will allow me to improveimprovement of my leadership and intellectual skills, andby doing so, I will be interacting with different types of people in a college learning environment, learning others, and growing and building on to my character.while enhancing networking opportunities and broadening my perspectives.

You make lots of statements, but there's no proof or anything to convince them what you tell. It's better you talk through examples like real life events or situations. That'll be more convincing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Some people think that government should provide unemployed people with a free cell [11]


I don't find this argument is a strong one to convince the reader. I see very distant relationship between contribution of a cell towards finding a job. You could have said that a mobile phone is a must need in today's context and without which the life would be much difficult. This is because everything is now automated and people need online access even for simple activities like booking a train, paying bills etc.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that cars should be banned from large cities. Do you agree or disagree? [8]


Write a clear sentence that express your opinion on the issue. Do not express it in a vague or complicated way. Clarity of sentences and ideas matter above all other aspects when it comes to essay writing as you need to keep the reader's attention towards your essay.


This sounds awkward and I don't think any country would take such an action. You could have said;
If the usage of cars is controlled by legal means....

Writing Feedback / IELTS;More & more people are relying on private cars as their major means of transport [4]

First, I wish you include the prompt in your post together with the essay as it helps us fully understand what it requires from you. So make it a habit to have the prompt on top of your essay :)


.... I feel this sentence is a better hook for your essay.


I am pretty sure this is not what your prompt meant. As I understand from your title, it is that more and more people rely on their private vehicles as means of transportation and you are requested to discuss the issues relating to that and also to suggest possible measures. So, you need to educate the reader about the background of this issue.

Scholarship / Personal Statement- IELTS Scholarship; master degree in Distributed System [7]

I am interested to pursuein pursuing my master degree in Distributed System or (DS), an attractive subject in the Computer Science field.
The master degreeThis masters program is relevant to my educational background , Bachelor degree in Information Technology or (IT) , and to the requirements to advance my career.well aligned with my future career goals.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : The Freedom of Creativity [5]


Nice quote :)
This is good to reflect about creativity in these days because many artists show their feelings with no doubtwithout any fear or hesitation.
I tend to disagree with this statement withdue to some reasons.


.... This sentence is too long and has a few grammar issues. I suggest you to rephrase it :)

Undergraduate / I am a girl who's beyond lucky; UW Seattle transfer [6]


I'm a girl who is beyond lucky.


This is not said nicely :( You need to improve its presentation :)
I was born into a very supportive family that wants to help me make my dreams come true.


Since he came form a poor background he understood the difference that education could makes in one's life towards betterment.