Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6793  
From: Sri Lanka

Displayed posts: 6794 / page 37 of 170
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
dumi   
Feb 9, 2014
Writing Feedback / Do you like living in a city or countryside? [4]

Advanced technology, reliable transportation and convenient as ever.

This is too abrupt. Where do you find these things? You need to specify;
In the city, one has superior access to advanced technology, reliable transportation and convenience in contrast to what a person living in the countryside enjoys.

Living in countryside is way different than living in cities. Witnessing breathtaking sceneries everyday as you wake up while inhaling the breeze of fresh crisp air will surely relax your day. Also, the friendly, hospitable and family-oriented people will always welcome you or help you anytime. Unlike in cities, countryside has less pollution since it has no lot of vehicles. The only problem is the transportation. Since only few vehicles are in the countryside, you will have a hard time waiting for a ride.

In the introduction, you said you prefer the city to town. Therefore no point in talking about the pluses of countryside in your body paras.
dumi   
Feb 9, 2014
Writing Feedback / Limit absurd contents from children viewing - filtering the Internet access at home as a solution [9]

This is quite natural with all candidates, especially when the exam date approaches :D
However, you do not have to worry too much about this task as you have good writing skills and it is a matter of gaining confidence in you. Keep practicing with time. As tips to complete it on time, I'd suggest you to follow the essays structure we suggested and make sure you have the main features in the first go. For example, in the intro, quickly introduce the topic by paraphrasing the title and then express your opinion. (Have a standard phrase for all your essays so that you do not have to plan it at the exam). Finish your essay in that skeleton form and when you have extra time come back to intro and add a hook. Then move to the first body para and elaborate more on your reason or example.

Also, read others' essays here on this forum to note down the points :)
You'll do fine at the exam :)
dumi   
Feb 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The chart below shows the total number of minutes (in billions) of telephon [5]

Overall, the bar chart emphasizes the enormous growth in mobile calls and a steady fall in local fixed line calls between 1995 and 2002.

Well, this sounds more or less like an overview which should have come earlier in your essay. For this task, you need not to write conclusions as this is about report writing. You are reporting your observations to the reader. So, stick to the structure - Introduction, Overview, Details :)
dumi   
Feb 7, 2014
Undergraduate / DIPLOMACY; UT Austin Statement of Purpose - transfer essay [3]

In the course of me pursuing my dreams of becoming a diplomat or working for the government I would like to complete my Bachelor's degree in International Relations and Global Studies at the University of Texas at Austin.

In the pursuit of my dreams of becoming a diplomat or working for the government in the capacity of ????? (tell in what capacity you wish to contribute to your government) , I wish to complete my Bachelor's degree in International Relations and Global Studies at the University of Texas at Austin

Studying at UT will give me the educational experience I need to be successful in the future.

This is fine, but it is better if you highlighted particular features of the program or the uni that would directly help you achieve your goals.
dumi   
Feb 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: nature outweighs nurture regarding the role it play for people [2]

When it comes to thepersonality and development of a person, it is often debated which is the key factor that contributes to them, nature or nurture.

Your prompt is not about personality or development of a person. It is about the person's characteristics of a person. These characteristics are not necessarily be directly related to one's personality. For example, a particular skill can be better described as a characteristic and not a part of personality. I hope you understand the point I am trying to tell you. So, be careful when you paraphrase the prompt.
dumi   
Feb 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / Responsibility of both visitors and the host to respect culture differences [6]

Sometimes I find it difficult to paraphrase the question. That's why I deviate from the original sense.

You shouldn't do that under any circumstances because you would then go out of topic. The most important thing is to stay aligned with your prompt. Read it carefully and get the core idea and then start paraphrasing. If you write a hook, it would help you ease of this tension and slowly take you on the track. :)
dumi   
Feb 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELSTS WRITING TASK 2: COMPETITION OR CO-OPERATION [5]

It is sometimes debated which is more important for children, the sense of competition or co-operation. In my opinion, both of them should be given importance and they are not mutually exclusive.

Good intro. However, it would be nicer if it has a hook too :)
On the one hand, children who are motivated to compete will have a great advantagesadvantage over othersintheir development in terms of the fulfillment of potentialsbecause they are trained to use their fullest potential in competition.

On the one hand, children who are motivated to compete will have great advantages in their development in terms of the fulfillment of potentials. This is because they can only fully realize the levels they can reach by being compared with their peers, and the comparison can just be made in competitions. When children are ready to compete, they always have the desire to emulate the ones who are currently better than them, and their potentials will be maximized through their harder-working.

Have specific examples to support your reasoning.
dumi   
Feb 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / Responsibility of both visitors and the host to respect culture differences [6]

When people are in the territory of others and enjoying the foods, facilities and services provided, they should be responsible to watch their words and behaviors so as not to contradict what local people are used to thinking and doing, especially in religious countries.

I feel this sentence is a bit too long. That disturbs your flow at the end :(

You write very well. Pay attention to the structure to aim at a great score :)

Yes, Pahan is right. You write extremely well and with a little improvement in your structure you can go for a real good score. The one he has suggested in your other thread is very good and it will also help you manage time effectively. Good Luck!
dumi   
Feb 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / Report of Numeracy Skill in 24 Countries [10]

I personally feel this task does not require a conclusion. First, a conclusion is your final judgement or opinion. For the task 2 essay you need to have that because it is based on an argument or issue. However, Task 1 expects a report of your observations without analysis or opinions. On the other hand, an "overview" is a simple description of the main points. It is a summary of the information shown in the graph or chart.

Second, a conclusion should be at the end of a piece of writing. An overview or general summary could go either at the end or near the beginning. Personally, I think it's a good idea to describe the main features of the graph or chart near the beginning of your essay.

Hope the above is helpful :)
dumi   
Feb 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / there should be a complete ban on the advertising of dangerous products (120-180 words) [11]

do u think i must state two supports of ideas instead of agreement n disagreement?

No, I think you can take a moderate stance by being in agreement and disagreement both. Then in the first body paragraphs, you need to justify why you agree and in the second one, justify why you disagree. Your essay needs to flow logically and that is the most important above all :)
dumi   
Feb 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / Comfort Food: Coffee?; English 1A essay [3]

Food is the key tofor survival forof any living being inanything or anyone on this planet. (no comma) butHowever, can itfood always give us that comfort and securityassurancethat people need , especially when we are in a stressful situation?

Comfort doesn't always have to mean food it could be anything,

This phrase is pretty confusing :( What do you really mean? I think you need to improve this line :)
dumi   
Feb 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: supporting sports and social activities Vs supporting the libraries [4]

Some people might think that college shouldn't support social activities and sports equallyto the level they should support libraries because they believe that making student knowledgeable should beis the main priority for university.

First of all, when it comes to creativity, taking part in social activities is expected to be meaningful.

Why do you sound too vague? Tell them howsocial activities would help develop someone's creative talents.
dumi   
Feb 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / 'A' mark-Parents are best teachers? Yes, they are the best teacher in whole time [3]

People study when they are children, when they are young, when they are adults

This is not a good sentence as it contains lots of redundancy :( ... "children" and "young" almost mean the same. May be you have meant "youth". However, the sentence structure doesn't sound very good :(

. Process of education is constant. But the most crucial part of education is going on in childhood. Kids need good teachers. And I believe the best ones for them are their parents

You don't present your prompt properly to the reader. Introduce the issue and show the reader that it's worth discussing :)
dumi   
Feb 6, 2014
Letters / My letter; I've tried to communicate with you directly unfortunately no luck [3]

This is pretty confusing :( What is the purpose of this writing? It does not look like a letter at all. You don't present letters in bullet points as you've done above. Is this for a particular task like IELTS or TOEFL. Whatever it is, you better post the topic title or the prompt so that we can advise you accordingly.
dumi   
Feb 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Self employment or Work for someone else? [8]

First of all, I have a few admin requests for you :)
You should have a meaningful title topic in the Subject field when you open a new thread (this one is attended by us). Also, you need to open your threads in the most appropriate forum. TOEFL essays should be opened in Writing Feedback forum. These are forum rules and they also help you earn more feedbacks.

Some people prefer to work for themselves. Others prefer to work for an employer. For me, I prefer to work for myself for several reasons.

This is very sweet and short introduction :D I don't say it's bad, but you have potential to do something better to earn a better score.
dumi   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS:Task 2 Essay- Threat/Benefit of nuclear technology [11]

Your writing style is very impressive and I do not think you'd have any problem with this task. You can surely go for a very good band :) I give below the structure that is generally recommended by many IELTS teachers and this structure contains all features that are important for you earn a good score.
dumi   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Total earnings and average annual salaries in the City of London [3]

The pie charts show the overall earnings of the City of London over decade, from 1985 to 1995 while the table reveals the average annual salaries between men and women executives in the differencesdifferent financial sectors.

According to the data,Overall the highest of total earnings is recorded in 1995 while the average annual salaries for all financial sectors that male executives show the higher rate than female in 1985 onward.The male executives have earned higher salaries than female executives in all financial sectors in 1985 and this trend had continued until 1995 except for the Currency Trading sector that had recorded equal salary level for both genders.
dumi   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Arithmetic vs Calculator for student [5]

Indeed, nowadaysNowadayscountingarithmetic is not a complicated thing to do, because technology has provided electronic way which is called calculatorthere are technologically advanced devices called calculators.

While some people believe that calculator could help children's study, is it a helpful thing for a student in the school?

You cannot end this sentence by asking a question. You say one set of people believe a certain thing and then suddenly ask a question :( This is a wrong format all together :(

I believe there are someboth benefits ando r drawbacks which are needed to see further.
dumi   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / Is experience better than book? [5]

First, include your prompt in the thread so that we all know what it is all about and be in a better position to provide you with more meaningful feedbacks. Second, you need to tell the purpose of this writing. Is this for TOEFL, IETLS practicing? That information will help us provide you more task related feedbacks. Follow these instructions next time when you open a new thread.
dumi   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task -2: CHILDREN DOING PAID JOB. SHARE YOUR OPINION. [3]

They work to get more pocket money, to help their parents to earn more money, for learning or any other reason.

They work in view of earning some pocket money to ease their parent's financial burdens on their studies.

Some people int he society do not agree with this trend while here is a school of thought which thinks otherwise.

This is not very clear. It has several typos there which distort your presentation :( Anyway, pay more attention to the introduction structure.
dumi   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Earning in the City of London and Average annual salaries of executives. [4]

The pie chart informs percentage income of four categories, while the graph gives the data average annual income of manmen and womanwomen executives in the City of London during 10 years, from 1985 and 1995.

Overall, the amount of city's income and executives' salaries had a dramatic rise in the each sector from 1985 to 1995.

This statement holds true for executives salaries, but it is not true for the city's income in each sector. It's only the commodity trading shows the rise for the given period and all other sectors show a down turn in the income generated by their respective sectors. So, your observation is not valid.
dumi   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : The first car appeared on British roads. [3]

Throughout the world, when the cars have become the completely means of transport in the daily activity, Britons are difficult to do some activities without private form of transport.

Well, you need to introduce your prompt first. Why didn't you tell the reader about the tremendous progress of car usage took place in Britain from 1888 to 2000. It's the core of this argument and without talking about that your introduction would look pretty incomplete.

The objective of the introduction is to quickly introduce the prompt to the reader in the clearest possible manner, but very briefly.
dumi   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: HIGH INCOME OF SPORTS PROFESSIONALS [4]

Well, I don't say this is a bad introduction. You are somewhere there and it seems you can write well. However, there are certain features that your intro needs to contain for this task.
dumi   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: British's Pollution due to use of cars [5]

The invention of a car in Briton had arguably one of the popular news in1888.

Well, this is a bit different from the inference you get from your prompt which says -

The first car appeared on British roads in 1888.

This does not mean about invention of cars, but UK had cars running in the city for the first time in 1888. And it does not talk anything about news about invention of cars. So, you need to stay with the prompt. Do not interpret the prompt differently to the reader.
dumi   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Briton vehicle developing [3]

What is the prompt for this essay? It is important that you include your prompt in your essay so that others would know what it exactly requires and they can check the alignment of your writing with the prompt. Also, you have opened this essay in the Essays Term papers forum ( I transferred it to Writing Feedback) which is not the appropriate forum for IELTS essays. Please make sure you open all your new threads for IELTS essays in Writing Feedback forum.
dumi   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / Effects of plastic surgery (500-800 words) [4]

In general, individuals consider plastic surgery to improve physical features

In general, people perceive plastic surgery as an effective way to improve physical appearance.

However, before opting for something as drastic as plastic surgery, people should calculate the pros and cons of it to accurately assess the risks and benefits.

However, before opting a solution that may have as serious implications as plastic surgery to their lives, people should evaluate the pros and cons of doing so in order to assess its risks against its benefits.
dumi   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS ; "where words leave off music begins" [5]

Music itself exists in each and every part of nature like chirping of birds, sounds of waving air and splashes of water in the sea.

You don't introduce your prompt adequately to the reader. This task requires particular features for you to score.
dumi   
Feb 4, 2014
Undergraduate / "Reason over emotion"; Programme preference - City University, why? [8]

"Reason over emotion" These three simple words explain why I want to apply to the College of Science

Good start :)
This aspect makes me embrace the scienceScience.

Ok, Pahan's got a very good point there and I too feel you should give them the impression that you have a vision - you know where you want to be. So, it is no harm that you talk about your ultimate goal though you have to follow a general science course in the first year. Give them an outline of what you intend to do.
dumi   
Feb 4, 2014
Undergraduate / I was always disappointed by the schools I attended; "Why REED?" [4]

From eight thousand miles away, the little I could gather about Reed made me beliefbelieve(no comma) it was my dream school

no one seemed to care whether the students grasped the topic in its true meaning.

no one seemed to care whether students understand the concepts and fundamentals of what they learn.

Our physics teacher would come in the class and go on and on about why Physics is so hard and boring, and how dire circumstances forced him to study Physics, shockingly most of my peers agreed with him.

I feel this is a bit of a harsh criticism. It sounds a bit personal too. It may create some bad impression on your attitude too :(
dumi   
Feb 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / Limit absurd contents from children viewing - filtering the Internet access at home as a solution [9]

I think you have followed a good structure for this essay topic. It is not a general issue topic which asks you to either agree or disagree. In this you discuss the main problems in the first body para and the solutions you suggest in the second body para. That's perfectly alright. What Pahan has suggested you to do is generally the best one for Agree/ Disagree type. It's still worth having a look at that structure because it is a very logical one that will certainly help you with most of the IELTS tasks.

You write extremely well :)
dumi   
Feb 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Changes in life [5]

Very good introduction. You seem to be having very good writing skills :)

You need to have a specific example to support your reason that you use to justify your opinion.
If you improve your essay structure a little bit more, I think you can surely go for a great score :)
dumi   
Feb 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Diet and General Health of Students [3]

You need to cite the major trend or observations in the overview.
Overall, the group that consumes food with high fat content more tends to suffer from health issues like over weight and other illnesses and lower level of attendance at classes.
dumi   
Feb 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2; Technology vs Traditional Skills [4]

I am writing for IELTS essay.

Then mention that in the title itself :) It helps you earn more feedbacks (I included the purpose in your title )
Technology has evolvedkept advancing exponentially in the past few decades

Due to which traditional skills are disappearing very rapidly.

This has posed a threat on traditional skills and these skills have started to disappear gradually.

Government is trying hard to keep them alive.

Your prompt doesn't talk anything about the government. So this sentence is out of topic.
dumi   
Feb 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'possibility of healthy man is higher than woman' - Fitness Membership [3]

Hey, this is the third essay I'm providing my comments under the same topic. You can find other threads written under the same topic here. Read them to understand the comments provided by the others.

Overall, male membership leads all proportion numbers, and it can be seen that a number of man often go to fitness more often than woman.

This needs improvement. I have provided my suggestions for the overview there :)
dumi   
Feb 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The chart below shows male and female fitness membership (20 minutes) [3]

The bar chart reveals the number of fitness club members during 30 years, from 1970 to 2000.

This is a very good introduction, but you should have mentioned about the gender case here as they are the most important parameters in this bar chart;

The bar chart reveals information about the fitness membership of females and males from 1970 to 2000.

Overall, there are two categories of fitness membership; women and men.

This is not a trend. These are basic parameters. Here you need to discuss about some major trend or observation, but without details. For example;

Overall, more fluctuations of male membership can be observed during the period under review compared to fluctuations of female membership .
dumi   
Feb 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Paid work by children - Is it wrong? [3]

Several advanced countries inhabitants believe children

I observe many students use synonyms without having a proper knowledge on their right usage. This is very dangerous thing to do, especially in IELTS and TOEFL tasks. Do not replace every word with synonyms as they may give a total different meaning if not used in the inappropriate places. For example, smile and laugh both have similar meanings, but used to express very different situations. Smile is a polite gesture while Laugh can be very sarcastic at times.

Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳