Scholarship / Chevening Eassy: Leadaship and Influence [7]

Sebastian, it is not enough for you to simply offer snippets of your leadership skills based upon being an eldest child or through your participation in various school organizations and extra curricular clubs. While I understand that you want to display and inform the reviewer of as much leadership roles that you have undertaken, what you really have to do is concentrate on one particular leadership role that you undertook. Focus your essay on the leadership role that the portrayed in that organization and make the experience count as an embodiment of the future leader and influential person that Chevnig is looking for.

I am sure that as the president of National Association of Physics Students (NAPS), there was a point in time when you found your leadership being questioned or overruled by other people who were members of the organization. Pick the most pivotal moment of your leadership when you were called upon to provide not only leadership, but influence within the group as well.

While you have many an experience regarding leadership, none of the events you depicted actually portrayed you in the leadership role that the prompt requires. Forget about your role as the eldest sibling in the family, that is irrelevant and does not prove the ultimate leadership talent required of future world leaders. The scholarship discussion, not important at all. There are really parts of your essay that can be removed without affecting the essay because of its irrelevance. I am sure that if you review the essay, you will find those points for yourself. That is why I am asking you to review your essay and replace it with a more concrete example. One that will actually provide an insight into your leadership skills and how you use the influence that your position held for the benefit of the organization.

Don't deviate from the essay prompt. The passage about your academics does not hold any relevance to the prompt. However, hearing about why you won the "Best Departmental President" definitely has a relation to the prompt so please, go ahead and expand upon the discussion of how you won that award. Always stay on focus. There are other prompt essays that will allow you to touch on other topics like your academic accomplishments etc. This particular essay, is all about your leadership skills. So play with it and highlight your leadership skills as best as you can.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: open discussions in class vs. lectures - any way to study is okay as long as it works [2]

Not bad at all dveri. The essay is well developed and discussed. It is simple and easy to follow. It just makes a lot of sense. While there is a sentence here and there that requires some attention, I can tell you that the essay is quite informative and delivers the expectations of the prompt at a higher level than the first essay that I reviewed for you. There is a marked improvement in your writing style. Good work. However, your introduction seems to lack a restatement of the prompt. You know how important that is in a TOEFL essay. So maybe you should work harder to create a more obvious prompt restatement in your next essay? Yes, that is the only format problem that I can see with your essay at the moment.

Now for some corrections:

during my classes on taxation in , my classmates and I compared how different taxes affect our country's economy and our lives

This way by EXAM TIME students WILL have a better understanding of subjects.

In my university , lectures aren't popular

Moreover, open discussions make me feel like my opinion on subjects matters and it encourages me to keep studying .
- There seems to be a thought missing between your feeling regarding your opinion on subject matters and the encouragement you get. What exactly were you trying to say? Try to complete the thought process.

as long as it WORKS for you

However, for me , having more open discussions and l

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The conclusion is perfect. This is one of your best essays to date :-)

Undergraduate / Fixing the US Education System (Entrance essay) [4]

Sam, the first thing I wanted to know when I started reading your essay was, what is your position of leadership? You dove headlong into explaining the problem that you want to solve that you forgot to introduce yourself first. We need to know what your position is and what your qualifications are for making your claims regarding the problem and solution. Otherwise, your statement will not carry as much weight as you would like it to. What kind of community leader are you and why should we take what you have to say seriously? You need to establish that at the beginning of the essay. Even before you present the problem that you are looking to solve with your leadership skills.

You present a compelling argument regarding the need to fix the US educational system. All of your information is easily verifiable and the suggestions for solving the problem are already existing and working for the nations that you mentioned. You are already aware that America already has charter high schools for the performing arts and culinary high schools( to name a few), so how would you further improve the already existing system based upon the successful implementation of the French and Swedish counterparts? I believe that is an important part of the essay prompt that you were not able to fully address in the essay. I hope you can clarify those points in your revision.

There is a clear representation in your essay as to what is holding back the charter school system. Graft and corruption are preventing the successful implementation of the charter school program. You mentioned this in your essay. How do you plan on solving that problem? What solutions to this problem do you see yourself implementing and how? What makes you think you can succeed where others have failed? More importantly, from the essay prompt itself, how would the community look should you succeed with the programs and changes you plan to implement?

With over 700 words in your essay, you would have expected to have seen a reflection of those questions somewhere in the essay. Yet, there isn't any. You can still respond to the questions though. All you have to do is, compress your discussion of the educational problem in the U.S. into one paragraph. Use only the most important figures as necessary. Save the word count so you can describe the program you plan to implement and how the community will look after its successful implementation. Try to offer a stronger discussion regarding how you would implement charter school reform.

I won't suggest which parts you should edit or delete. Your essay is quite well written as it is, so you should be given free reign to choose how you will revise your essay. The last thing I want to do is affect the overall feel or message of your speech. I won't even touch the grammar issues, which are few by the way, because the content of the essay is bound to change with the revision. So it is best to edit the grammar afterwards. Good luck with your revision!

Writing Feedback / Fiction Writing - adventure with an unexpected but happy ending [4]

Here is a sample of a simple adventure story:

The hot September summer was making Sam feel like his home was a toaster oven.Feeling the unbearable heat in his own house, he told his mother that he was going to take a walk to cool himself off.

"Don't stray too far from the house. You can only go as far as the soda shop Don't cross the street." his mother warned him while she cleaned their house. Sam was only 6 years old, there was no way his mother was going to let him cross the street alone to where the public pool was located.

"I won't mom. I'll just buy a popsicle and come straight home." Sam responded as he left the house.

As he approached the soda shop, he saw his friend, Alvin, lying in front of a hole in the sidewalk. He seemed to be reaching for something.

"Hey Alvin! What's up?" He asked while his friend seemed to ignore him. "Alvin?"

"I need a piece of gum." came the unexpected reply.

"What for?"

"There's a dollar in the hole. I want to get it out and buy some ice cream." The boy finally got up from the sidewalk and sat down, looking frustrated.

Sam peered into the hole. "You need more than a stick of gum to get that. You need a really long stick."

"I don't even have a stick of gum!" Alvin cried in frustration.

Sam searched his pockets. "I've got a piece of gum!" he announced triumphantly.

"Still haven't got a stick." Alvin pointed out the obvious.

They sat on the sidewalk feeling worse because of the money they could not get out of the hole.

"We can share a popsicle. I've got enough money to buy one." Sam eagerly suggested.

"I want ice cream!" Alvin bellowed.

A white haired grandfatherly looking man stepped out of the soda shop and approached the boys.

"What's going on here you two?" Mr. Hooper, the soda man asked them.

"There's a dollar in the hole. Alvin wants to get the dollar to buy an ice cream but we can't get it with just a stick of gum. We need a stick to stick the gum on to get the money." Sam explained in one breath.

"Hold on, hold on boys. I can help you out." Mr. Hooper disappeared into the store and came back with an empty balloon stick. "Maybe this can help?"

Alvin grabbed the stick and started chewing on the gum. "Thanks Mr. Hooper! We'll get the money now and go to your shop to buy ice cream."

Five minutes later, the boys were walking out of the soda shop. Each boy had his ice cooler of choice. An orange popsicle for Sam and an ice cream cone for Alvin.

"Man, I never thought buying ice cream could be such an adventure." Alvin told Sam as he tried to lick the ice cream faster than it could melt.

The End.

Scholarship / Outline your immediate plans upon returning home and your longer term career goals [6]

Cornelia, it is important that you bring the focus of your essay into your career path after you graduate and return home to Indonesia. While I understand that you plan on becoming a part of the United Nations Young Professionals Program (UN YPP), you aren't really telling me anything about how you plan to prepare for those tests. Where do you plan to begin your career? The UN YPP is the end game of your immediate career plans. The prompt is asking you to outline your plans. So you need to discuss how you plan to prepare for the test. Where do you plan to work prior to that? What preparations will you undertake in order to ensure that you will pass the test? All of that information is part of the required outline.

I am also of the opinion that the following passage does not respond to the prompt requirement and should be totally removed from the essay:

This does not offer a career plan outline on your part. You are merely referring to information that the reviewer will not view as a necessary part of your application. If it does not help you outline a career path, then it does not belong in the essay. Rather than presenting this information, why not tell us instead what you plan to do as a Member of the UN YPP should you be lucky enough to pass the test? That is part of your career path and sets a goal for your long term career.

The latter part of your essay, that talks of you joining the UN needs to be further developed. Where do you plan to take your career after joining the UN YPP? More importantly, how will those career goals relate to the UK priority projects in Indonesia? I really did not see any reference to the UK plans and projects in your essay. I am sure you are familiar with the projects indicated so you should be able to create a career path that aligns with the UK projects :-) Please try to accomplish that because it is a necessary requirement of the essay prompt.

Writing Feedback / In your letter explain why and for how long you want to take time off from work [3]

Pradeep, let me offer you a sample of how to better write this letter.Your version is too cut and dried. It does not appeal to your manager's sense of family. That is often necessary in these instances. I hope you can use it as a template for your class the next time you have to write a similar letter:

Dear Mr. Smith,

I would like to request for a leave of absence from the 15th till the 24th of November 2015. My brother is getting married in Australia to a Nepalese co-worker and he has requested that I attend the wedding as his best man. Needless to say, I could not turn down his request.

I need to take 2 weeks out of my leave credits because of the festivities involved in the wedding. I am scheduled to arrive in Australia on the evening of the 15th with the wedding celebrations beginning that same night. While the wedding parties are scheduled to take only a week, I plan to take advantage of my stay there by visiting the tourist spots in Australia with my parents, who will also be planing in for the festivities, over the course of a week. Hence the two week leave request.

With regards to my work responsibilities, I have already spoken to my team leader and he has agreed to help me make arrangements for the delegation of my other duties during my absence so as not to affect our department work flow. My team members have been informed of my potential absence and have already divided my duties amongst themselves. However, I will not be totally unreachable during my vacation. I will be submitting my Australian based contact number to my team leader as soon as I arrive in Australia and I will be checking my email every evening just in case a situation at the office warrants my immediate response or cooperation with the team.

I hope that you will allow my request at the soonest possible time. My brother has already booked my flight and the tickets are non-refundable. I sincerely hope for a positive outcome at this point.

Your sincerely
Pdeep

Writing Feedback / Fiction Writing - adventure with an unexpected but happy ending [4]

Samuel, this essay will probably score a 15 out of 30. It is just not well developed nor written. Despite the English grammar problems, if you managed to properly set up the background of the story, maybe it would have a chance at a higher score. As it is, the essay seems like you just rushed to put something together in order to submit something. Always remember that any writer takes time to do the following:

1. Character development. Make sure that you develop no more than 3 characters for a short story like this one. The lead character, the supporting character, and the villain. You do not need all these characters to tell an adventure story.

2. Setting. Always describe the setting in such a way that it helps to propel the story forward. So instead of just having the lead character wake up to a beautiful morning, have her awakened by the stillness of the morning. A far cry from the noise that she normally wakes up from. For example;

"Jodie stirred as the sounds of nature came to her ears. She slowly awoke to the sound of birds singing and the wind whistling in and out of the tent. This was a far cry from the hustle and bustle of city living that often awoke her. She did not even miss the sound of honking cars and traffic outside her apartment window as she began to pack her sleeping bag. It was time to start breakfast for the group."

Do you see how the description of the setting helped to propel the story along? That is what you should always aim for.

3. Plot. The basic rule of fiction writing is "Write what you know." That said, you should not be trying to write about an adventure that tries to rival Indiana Jones or Goonies, you are not Steven Spielberg at this point. So just write a simple adventure story based upon your personal experience. Fictionalize it by changing the names of the participants. It could be something as simple as setting up a boy cave among friends at an unused warehouse or something. Just make it simple so that you won't have to struggle to deal with the plot and dialogue.

4. Dialogue. Keep it natural. Your dialogue in this story sound really strained and forced. It does not come across as the natural way that people speak. If you keep the dialogue simple, your story will be easily understood and you will not be afraid to write.

Just keep everything simple and do not try to complicate your story. Just tell a story that you know you can do well. Don't try to be a Hollywood adventure movie. Just have an adventure. Even buying ice cream with friends can be an unforgettable situation. The simpler your story, the better your adventure will be. Keep it close to home. Write about something you have already experienced. That is where good writing originates from.

Writing Feedback / "Individualism in a society that focuses on branding in young people." [3]

Hi Michael! As I read your essay, I came to the realization that you really feel quite strongly about the subject matter you are discussing. In terms of the general discussion, you were spot on when you discussed the idealization of Barbie dolls for women. How about the idealization of men through G.I. Joe dolls? Don't you think your discussion would have been better balanced if you discussed the idealization of both sexes and how it affects them? It just seems fair since both genders are faced with image issues due to unfair branding by the media.

I thought this essay was for English writing class? Are you studying in the United States? I am asking because you discussed a part about Scandanavian composers and their cookie cutter pop music. If you are studying in the United States, I do not believe that you should discuss something so specific to a different country. Your American readers will have no idea what you are talking about and will not be able to identify with what you are saying because their music industry is different. If you can use a more American example, not necessarily with regards to music, then I think your essay should be better off for it.

By the way, proof read the essay for punctuation mistakes. You have a period in one sentence where a question mark should be. Other than some corrections with regards to grammar use and the reference to Scandanavian composers, I really believe you did well in writing this essay. Let me help you correct some parts of it:

We are constantly bombarded with stereotypes and the ideals of whom and what we should be are constantly shoved down our throats by the media, big brands and conglomerates that thrive on conformity.

- It almost seems like you were typing too fast and two sentences accidentally got merged into one. Please clarify the thoughts by creating two separate sentences instead. I think this should be read as;"We are constantly bombarded with stereotypes and ideals of whom and what we should be. These images are constantly shoved down our throats..."

ostracised - spell check. British English is Ostracised, American English is ostracized. Which type of English are you using?

there are so few woman WOMEN in maths and science

according to A standard sonic template

In a society that demands instant gratification and a lack of thought these songs supply it.
- Is there something else you want to say in this sentence? It seems to be lacking a complete thought process. There is no subject.

If we as a society are not able to develop our own music tastes how will we be able to develop independent thought. ?

-----

If you would just remove the part about the Scandanavian composers and instead used the rest of that space to further develop the idea of Steve Jobs, etc. being the outsiders that changed the world, I believe your essay will benefit from it. You really should try to offer an equal amount of space to the discussion of both issues.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: Purchasing a house or business, which one do you prefer? [3]

Bui, as with any English proficiency exam, it is important that you format your first paragraph in the correct manner. That means, you need to make sure that the sentences you create follow the expected format. That means at least 3 sentences that showcase the summary of the prompt in your own words, the 2 points of view that you will be discussing, then finally, your own point of view towards the end of the essay. All of these should be adequately represented in your introduction. Your introduction does not really do that at the moment. It just jumps to you point of view without creating the overview of the discussions to be presented. That will be a point deduction in an actual test.

Now, as for the discussion you presented in the essay. It shows the kind of analytical thinking that is required of a researcher. You display an accurate understanding of not only the prompt, but also the types of reasoning that can be used to defend your stance. Most of the information you present are based upon logic and deductive reasoning. Good work. It shows that you have the potential to be a good researcher in the future.

There are some grammar issues that clutter up an otherwise acceptable piece of essay writing on your part. Please note the corrections I have made below:

Normally, owning a house is not carried DOES NOT CARRY much profit to FOR the owners compares WHEN COMPARED to a business.

As easily seen as m Many people purchase houses and spend their whole life working hard for paying TO PAY FOR the mortgages.

Of course by the time going OVER TIME, the equity of the house can be increased, however, . HOWEVER

owning only one house is not allowed DOES NOT ALLOW people to sell it for profit.

Besides, people still have other options to live in a house FOR RESIDENCES without purchasing such as renting or leasing.

not owning A house allowed S people more flexible FLEXIBILITY in moving

when their jobs are required REQUIRE IT.

business sometimes is a potential investment.

People WHO owned businesses are able to control the destiny themselves. THEIR DESTINY.

Those people often try theIR best to promote theIR business and seeking clients

if the businesses are being well-managed and running, profits will be generated and delivered to the owners.

profits will create more profitable, business owners can use that profit to pursue their dream houses.

in their lifeTIME, h However, I myself support to the business.

. As it A BUSINESS can be a potential and profitable investmen tTHAT helps owners for IN achieving their dreams.

Writing Feedback / Career preparation, increasing knowledge and exploring new experiences; why people attend university [5]

Tien, the last paragraph before the conclusion has improved tremendously. It really helps to wrap up the essay. The conclusion is also better than the first one you wrote. There are some grammar issues that need to be addressed though in order to better convey your thoughts on paper. Let me get to correcting those parts here:

students will learn how to think and live independently at least outside of their families - This paragraph is stronger with the omission of "at least" because independent thinking should be cultivated in all aspects of a student's life. It is not just meant to cut them off from the decision making factors related to their family. This will be the first time they will be deciding for themselves without needing the approval of their family members. That is a strong statement that has to be made in your essay.

Next, some basic skills for survivor COLLEGE STUDENT SURVIVAL SKILLS ...

students WHO come from a small town to the big city

other students in A school dormitory or outside OFF school campus

LIVING apart from THEIR family teaches them independence and responsibility.

They would learn some of these factors after DURING the courses STAY IN COLLEGE.

And THE university lays a THE foundation AND CORNERstone for students to achieve their future dreams.

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I hope my suggestions have taught you something new :-)

Undergraduate / Busy and the most sensitive summer 15 when something had been changed - Personal Essay [9]

This summer was one of the busiest and most sensitive summers of my life.
Be more specific. Say something like"The summer of 2015 was the busiest and most sensitive summers I have ever experienced in my life. It was a time of personal growth and development for me in more ways than one." Remember that we need to reel in the reviewer from your first sentence. So if you create a sense of drama within your first two sentences, you will have accomplished that task.

I have some suggestions as to how to further improve the content of your essay. It is as follows:

and I cannot forget it at least for months; the most highlighted day of MY summer 2015.

It was about ten days to THE reopening of schools .

The Youth Cinema Society of Kerman - Remember to capitalize the first letter of every word in a proper noun.

film to the children and give them educational gifts such as pencil, notebook etc. - Self explanatory, no need for samples.

I HAD always

I was intrigued of BY how people liveD there, how their daily life is WAS, and what kind of people lives there. - The events already happened so speak in past tense.

We started our trip at four o'clock of Tuesday, September 15. We wanted to serve breakfast for the children, and it was a three-hour trip. In the route, I was wondering how I should treat the children whose thoughts were completely different. - No need for extreme specifics. Just get to the point already. You are wasting the reviewer's time reading these fillers.

As we reached there WHEN WE GOT THERE, we started to do our planned activities;

I could sense the desire to success SUCCEED in her eyes and kind of her WAY OF speaking.

work alongSIDE her siblings on the farm every day. Also , Zahra had DID not HAVE access to the things that I told could help her,

as soon as I returnED to Kerman

and I will do this as long as I can buy some new books every once a while - How often does not matter to the reviewer.

and not with the results of other people thinking - You need to clarify what you mean at this point.

She even did not access to the basic things of her goal, Even though she did not have access to the basic things she needed to achieve her goal,

but she had not left it and stayed firm IN HER BELIEFS.

That night AS we were returning to Kerman, and I was sure that I was not the SAME person I WAS THAT of the morning; something had been changed IN ME.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: how access to information via the internet influences life [6]

Consider the basic format of an essay that you can develop and write within a 30 minute time frame and you will see that a 5 paragraph essay, composed of 5 sentences (maximum) each will allow you just enough time to accurately develop a simple discussion of the topic.

1. Introduction - Usually composed of the restated prompt, an overview of the discussion, and your opinion that will be addressed in the essay.

2. 1st body paragraph - the opposing argument is presented. Present the flaws that you feel exists in the discussion. Transition to the next paragraph which is the supporting argument.

3. 2nd body paragraph - the supporting argument. Present evidence and ideas either from common knowledge or personal experience that will allow you to present this as the correct or winning side of the discussion. Use it to transition to your point of view.

4. 3rd body paragraph - your point of view, additional information that you can present in support of the discussion is normally placed at this point. Strengthen your supporting discussion using a comparison of the first two paragraphs if necessary.

5. Conclusion - summarize the essay. Present the prompt one last time, give a final overview of the discussion and restate your position.

Now, some people choose to combine their supporting stance and point of view in the same paragraph. As long as you immediately mention that you are stating your point of view then that is acceptable. Just remember, you need at least 4 paragraphs to create a valid discussion.

With regards to your new conclusion. It is just the right length to make it acceptable in the essay. You were able to better summarize the essay and conclude it in a well formed manner. It is definitely better than your original conclusion.

Writing Feedback / The developments of technology, particularly in e-books, may cause abandonment of the printed media [2]

Irfan, you have presented a unique take on this discussion. Most of the prompts using this normally ask if you believe that print media will disappear because of e-media. Your idea that they will simply continue to compete with each other is one that could actually hold true as the future of the written media continues to evolve. The ideas that you presented to help support your thesis are some which can actually be seen as holding truth because of the way that print media continues to exist alongside electronic media. It is clear that you argued the essay from the point of view of a traditionalist, who prefers to hold paper with ink imprinted on it, and the millenial point of view, that of someone accustomed to using an e-reader. Both points are valid when taken in the context of the prompt you provided.However, I have some other opinions regarding the statements that you made. I'll address them below. That said, I still have to point out that while your method of expressing your thoughts has improved, there are still some mistakes that exist which we can address:

These days, in globalization era, the developing of media has significant increased.
It would seem that print media has evolved during our current era of globalization.

IN THE past, people only read the information from printed media such as newspaper or magazine which is only release in several times like once a day even twice in a month. THAT CAME OUT ON A DAILY BASIS OR TWICE A MONTH.

AT present citizens can gain knowledge from AN electronic book (e-book) which open DOES NOT OPEN LIKE A real book, even though the development of technology particularly in virtual book . - The latter part of your sentence does not make any sense.

This cannot transform the function of printing media. - Why? Isn't an ebook part of print media as well? It is also composed of electronic ink and its pages are represented by a screen. We see written words on it that we read. Isn't that the definition of print media?

First, the main reason why e-book cannot change ...
... They certainly prefer to read from portable documents.

- There is room to strengthen this weak line of reasoning. Remember that e-books are far easily more accessible than books that have to be found in the library. The e-book is available as long as an internet connection is available. Why not drop the reference to the ebook in this area and instead, just discuss how the lack of internet in the rural areas makes the need for printed books and other reading material in ink form vital for the education and information of the people there? This is not one time to compare and contrast because you are talking about an area with limited internet access. There is no comparison when one factor does not exist in the same place.

However, portable document or e-book has the same functions as printed media which deliver the information from writer to reader. The difference is only the form of that media. The advantage of e-book is the people can save that documents on their smartphone without worrying to bring a great deal of books. For example, the students can save all of their lessons into their sophisticated device like PC or mobile phone so they can open that everywhere and every time.

- There is a deviation from the discussion at this point. You claimed that people can read using print media fast and easily, which is the claim that electronic media such as e-book readers make as well. It is always best to discuss these points coming from the same angle. So in this case, you should have informed the reader that these are the claims made by people living in areas where the internet connections are reliable. That way you create a connection between your rural area dwellers and your city dwelling counterparts when it comes to the way they view the two forms of media. This will also create a more solid line of reasoning as to why they would end up competing instead of cancelling each other out in terms of use.

Undergraduate / I AM STARING AT INFINITY - Essay for Film Studies [9]

Ali, although this essay contains the same elements as your original essay, the way that you presented the development of your interest in film, and the relevance of your experience is better placed in this narrative. However, there is still a portion that I believe your essay can do without. The part about the time when you put the coins in the box does not have any connection with the artistry that you developed in art class, nor does it connect with your enrollment in film school. So you should just remove that part of your essay. It just does not work in telling your story. It is a disconnected dot at the moment.

What I think would better improve your essay would be if you simply used the two paragraphs relating to art class and your eventual enrollment in film class. In the second paragraph, explain how you were affected by the idea that you could have done better in art school than the regular high school doing Math and Physics like your parents wanted. Explain how the discovery of art had an impact on your life. Use it as a transition to your interest in film.

Then, when you discuss your decision to take the test in film class, make it seem like the decision was something that you had to struggle with, knowing that your parents were against you taking art classes. Explain that this was the reason that you felt lost and did not pass your university tests. We have to show that you are a natural film maker who was being held back by circumstance until the day fate decided to step in and help you out through your cousin.

Your story as an up and coming film maker is truly interesting. It has all the elements and plot points of a well developed film. Just leave out the story of the old man at the beginning and concentrate on the points I enumerated above in order to better expand and explain your talent development in the essay. I am sure it will work out well for you :-)

Writing Feedback / In my opinion, schools and hospitals are more important than impressive buildings [2]

Dita, your introduction is quite short. As such, it does not offer a concrete overview of the discussion. The restatement of the prompt is one long sentence that is combined with your opening statement. You need to break it down so that you will have at least 3 sentences in your introductory sentence. That is the standard for the overview part of the essay. You should also add that your essay will discuss why you support the idea that public facilities such as schools and hospitals should be better developed than the buildings of the town.

While your discussion is already strong, it can even be stronger if you add the information that the people who build the impressive structures in the city require a good education to help them become the architects of these impressive buildings. The hospitals are necessary to keep the imaginative thinkers and innovators who help develop the city healthy so that they can help the city continue to flourish. These reasons seem to me, to be the most convincing of all the reasons to prioritize the schools and hospitals in the city over the buildings and other impressive structures.

Now for some grammar correction :-)

This is because those can be an REPRESENT THE identity of a town , which IS capable to attract OF ATTRACTING tourists THAT CAN increase government revenue

since THE tourism sector has given a large contribution for CONTRIBUTES A LARGE PART OF the income of city

Taking THE Eiffel tower in Paris as an example

r,[S ]since WHO wanted to A capture moment at Eiffel which was IS the one of seven wonders on Earth.

I believe that THE improvement of schools and hospitals should be prioritized,

Firstly, s Schools give knowledge which is useful to gain IN GAINING A better life in the future.

who want IF ONE WANTS to be a minister of finance ONE must understand how to organize gaining THE ECONOMICS of THE country, and surely the horizon of this THAT KNOWLEDGE CAN only can be obtained at school.

HospitalS is ARE also needed

facilities for inhabitants CITIZENS, and definitely mankind who BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO ARE healthy can do whatever they want.

individuals will not able to go to THE office if they are getting sick.

buildings are AN essential element for a city,

yet I believe that

Undergraduate / I'm proud of my accomplishments because I know that I have made a difference in people's lives. [4]

Angel, I believe that your essay should only focus on one aspect of your membership in the Key Club. While I applaud you for having touched the lives of the Lukemia afflicted families and you headed the spirit committee with great success, it is important that your essay focus on building up only one of these accomplishments to the best of your abilities. Since the two accomplishments are not really connected with one another, I would have chosen only one of the two, usually the one that I can develop best to suit the prompt requirements, as the response to this essay.

I believe that you could accomplish more by discussing the Leukemia aspect of your volunteer work with the club. This was the activity that you participated in that had the most connection to other people and helped bring them comfort. It is important that you present yourself as a civic minded and helpful person in your personal statement. While you had a greater experience participating in the spirit committee, it did little for you in terms of improving your sense of empathy and desire to help others. Factors that oftentimes catch the eye of the reviewer.

I am not belittling your participation in the spirit committee. It just does not seem to carry the same impact as helping other families that are in emotional pain or grieving the loss of a loved one. If you can better portray how you helped these families during the time that you were with them, it would present a better image of your person as someone who cares about others. There are also some life lessons to be learned by interacting with these families such as a sense of support that you were able to share with them. Which in turn, led you to become a better person and member of the club. Explain how the families helped you develop your passion for helping others and where it led you in life.

Discussing a character altering event is usually the kind of essay that reviewers take note of. Specially if you relate the essay in such a way that shows how you were one kind of person before you participated in an activity and then you came out of it a better person afterwards. It shows your ability to learn from experience and a desire to help better the world. That better shows a picture of who you are as a person.

Now, if you can do the same thing with your spirit committee story, then feel free to develop that essay focus instead :-) I hope I was able to help you consider your choices for this essay :-)

Writing Feedback / GRE issue task : Nation should operate similar curriculum for its schoolchildren [2]

Sekar, I think that you should rethink your response to the essay. Specifically, I would like you to reconsider the 2nd part of your essay where you talk about students with special needs. Just because they are blind or deaf does not mean that they cannot study the standardized curriculum. n fact, they should study the standardized curriculum in order to prove that they can perform just like the normal ability students.Just because they need special tools to study does not limit their intellectual ability. What I would like you consider is the following for your response.

In the United States, they have a standardized system of education. However, they also have specialized schools for students who display a specific talent before reaching college age. The reason they have these arts and performance schools, culinary schools, and high school vocational schools is because they want the students to hone their talents and properly prepare them for more advanced education in the same field when they reach college. While they still have high school lessons, the concentration of the school is not on the standard curriculum. These students benefit highly from the non-standardized education because it helps them learn what is of real interest to them. It helps them become a more productive part of the nation sooner rather than later. Do you think that such deviation from the national curriculum is bad in this case?

When you discuss such essays, try to look at the international picture of the issue. In this case, not all nations adhere to the standardized education curriculum for their "specially talented" students. It did not lessen the impact of the national curriculum, in fact, it enhanced it. So maybe, not all the high school students need to study the standard curriculum in order to learn?

Remember, the GRE is designed to show that you have a more intricate knowledge of general events in the world. As a masters degree student, you are expected to have a higher level of understanding and exposure to various topics. So, you need to show that you understand the world view of education in this particular essay in order to get a better score for this prompt. Prompts like these try to test your knowledge of popular and contemporary culture. So make sure you are well informed in those aspects of discussion just in case :-)

Undergraduate / Why GIT short response max 150 words - Georgia Tech is the perfect school for me. [4]

Lucy, I think that you can have a more focused response to essay prompt. I believe you are going to be enrolled in a robotics course right? You were talking about having participated in robotics competitions during previous years so I am assuming that the competitions that Georgia Tech provides to the robotics students excite you a lot.

I think you need to choose one of the robotics competitions that GT sponsors. Pick the one that is closest to your interests and discuss why you look forward to competing in that particular contest. You can discuss why you feel that you will perform well and win in that competition. Look forward and explain why you feel your participation in the contest will bolster the image of GT in the robotics field. The idea, is to show that there is something specific about the GT student like that excites you very much. I believe you can do that by narrowing down your interest in the field of robotics to a specific competition.

Take your cue from the VEX competition that you participated in. How would that interest translate into your spirit of competition at GT? I think that discussing your interest in GT from that point of view will help make your essay stand out from the pack of applicants. Good luck with your application :-)

Scholarship / Chevening - STUDYING IN THE UK QUESTION; three courses - relation to the previous experience, future [5]

Armedya, I do not know if I missed something while reading your essay but I cannot seem to find the 3 university courses that you have chosen in the essay. The instruction is quite specific about your mentioning each course of study and your discussion regarding how it relates to your academic, immediate profession, and future plans. What I did read, was a generalized coverage of these plans. I don't believe that the essay is looking for a general discussion. It needs specifics.

I believe that your introduction needs to reflect your plans for your future immediately. That way you can catch the eye of the reviewer and let the person know that you have immediate future plans for yourself, which is why you are looking to complete higher studies. When you say that you look forward to helping develop the media industries, relate those plans and how your course of study can help you achieve those goals. Which course in particular is leaned towards that interest? Expand on the discussion based on that relationship.

Digital outdoor advertising is also a fast emerging field of advertising, which courses do you feel relates to that interest of yours? How do you see yourself contributing to the evolution of digital advertising? Don't rely so much on your college experience when you discuss your plans. I noticed that you have a tendency to do that. As a masters degree student, you should have a forward thinking line of thought. Plans that you feel should be made a reality in the future for the benefit of the industry or mankind. Do you think you can have your essay reflect more of that? I believe that your essay will be better served by focusing the information it contains directly on your future plans because that is what completing a masters degree is all about.

Follow the specific requirements of the prompt. Discuss it in the order that it is placed in the prompt. Remember, you need to mention the courses specifically. This is not a general discussion essay. This is similar in format to a statement of purpose or intent. Use those guidelines for completing the essay.

Writing Feedback / Two Methods of Irrigating Field (IELTS Task I) [2]

Hi Muhajid :-) Your report is quite complete and offers a complete description of the irrigation methods used by farmers. I consider your overview to be complete and it ends with a hook that will leave the reader wanting to proceed with reading the material. It is important for you to know that the form of your report is solid. That is important when you take an IELTS test. Never mind that the grammar needs improvement. We can help you with that part. You have two of the important factors accomplished. Your report overview is solid and your explanation, though with grammar mistakes, can be understood. Good job! Keep an eye out for those tricky connector words :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : The most favorite conveyance for employees in Houston, Texas [3]

Muflih, aside from some grammatical errors in this report, it is quite efficient and conveys the contents of the chart in a clear manner. Even your overview of the report is quite clear and allows for an understanding of the topic even before the facts and figures from the chart are shared with the reader. Good work on your part. Now, let me help you out with the grammar issues.

it can be seen that people aged 47 years old prefer travelling to work by train or bus. -you already clearly stated that this was the age of the people when you said "people aged" so to say "years old" is a redundancy.

and WHICH IS also the same type of vehicle becomes the THAT EMITS greatest number of CO2 emissions producers .

The most favorite conveyance for employees in Houston, Texas is car with driver only A SINGLE PASSENGER CAR

The percentage of this vehicle is 48% and , followed by THE train

The third is car also, but with more than one passengers ARE CARS WITH MORE THAN ONE PASSENGER at 11%, and the last is bicycle ARE BICYCLES at 4%

The average age of labor that use A PERSON THAT USES A bicycle as the A means of transportation is 39 years,

and WHILE people aged 47 ARE more likely to use THE bus or train.

In the Houston, Texas,

the workers ARE more likely to use a single passenger car,

to the effect to ON the environment

more than one passengers

second largest producers

CO2 emissions AT approximately 0.08 kilograms per person each kilometer.

THE B bus or train becomes

The most healthies HEALTHIEST conveyance is the bicycle with zero CO2 emissions.

Letters / How should I write my email to my teacher? [5]

Johnny, never apologize for your English skills. What matters is that you can speak the language and can be understood. The grammar does not have to be perfect among friends :-) Anyway, let me try to help you revise this letter to make it more interesting for the professor to read. Our aim will be to convince him that it will be a good idea for him to let you access his group files.

Dear Professor,

I would like to thank you for uploading an open access webcast for your previous class. It helped me a great deal in understanding the previous lessons and allowed me an opportunity to better learn the class material. It is because of the considerable amount of help that I received from your previous podcast that I was saddened to learn that your current webcast is accessible only by the members of your class group. I was wondering if there is anything that I can do to convince you to either allow open access or, if you could allow it, give me private access to this web cast?

Watching your web casts have helped me better understand some of the key concepts that are taught during the class lectures. Your previously uploaded web cast certainly helped me catch up with my class with regards to the key concepts that I missed during the class lecture. Being a slow learner, sometimes I cannot keep up with the pace of my class. So by having access to your previous podcasts, I feel that I will be able to better keep up with my class pace and also complete my review sessions.

I sincerely hope that you will seriously consider my request. I am hoping that you will study my situation and request as that of a student who ardently wants to learn and is doing everything he can to make sure that he meets the criteria to pass his classes. Although I hope to receive some consideration from you, I will accept whatever decision that you make as final.

Sincerely,
Johnny

I hope you will like this version of the letter. Feel free to use it if you think it will be useful to you :-)

Writing Feedback / The process of Active Study contains both individual and group work. [2]

Heida, while the essay that you wrote is quite direct to the point and instantly answers the prompt, you need to learn how to follow the correct writing format for an essay in order to make it academically acceptable to the reviewer / examiner / teacher. There is a standard format that you have to follow which goes like this:

1. Introduction - restate the thesis prompt in your own words then state your point of view regarding the topic at the end of the paragraph.

2. Body of paragraphs - usually around 2 paragraphs. For your essay, 2 paragraphs will do. You have the right idea here. First you presented your point of view in support of your stand, then you presented the opposing point of view.

3. Conclusion - this is missing from your essay. Without the wrap up that includes a summary of the discussion and a restatement of your point of view, the essay will not properly close.

I strongly suggest that you revise your introduction and develop a proper conclusion for your essay so that it will follow the correct format and be more informative for the reader. The rest of the revisions of the essay can be attended to once you come up with a better essay. You currently have the chance to do that.

By the way, the saying is "Two heads are better than one", not "Tow brains work better than one" :-) I know, it is confusing English idiom. I'm glad you thought of using one though, it lightened the mood of your written work.

Writing Feedback / The graph compares the changes in the number of people using railways transportation in G.Britain [2]

Bayu! You should really be so proud of yourself. This is one of the best reports that you have developed ever since I started reviewing your work here at the forum. Your grasp of the English language is fantastic in this essay. While still needing a few corrections, I am highly confident that you will have the ability to write like a native speaker sooner than you think. You have the potential to do this. I know you can. Keep up the good work and I will keep on guiding you until the day that you take your test. You have the form down pat. We just need to work on the grammar at this point.

The graph compares the changes in the number of people using THE railways transportation SYSTEM in Great Britain from 1950 to 2004/5 and IS measured in the millions OF people.

Overall, those THERE ARE three types of railways transportation WHICH had an outward trend in a 54-year period.

In any case, THE light rail and metro systems seen SAW the lowest number of passengerS in the MAIN time main frame.
- Maybe you should have mentioned the 3 types of rail systems at this point to complete the overview of the report ?

THE national rail network stood at 1000 passengerS in AT the beginning of the period.

It accounted slightly decreased to around 650 passengers in 1983.

Even though THE national rail network was HAD the highest number of passengerS IN more than 30 years,

the London underground SKY-rocketed in 1984 and overtaken OVERTOOK the dominating DOMINATION of THE National rail network in AT the end of 2004/05 with more than 1050 passengerS.

which is ARE light rail and metro system

Although this form of transportation bottomED out at 3 passengers in 1980

it HAD A marked increase by OF 50 people in each decade.

Graduate / Effective points for studying Petroleum Engineering as a EEE engineer [12]

Well, you do seem to have a pretty strong background in engineering. The tie in to the field of petroleum engineering with your current line of employment seems quite evident. So you do not have a problem with that connection. However, since this is a statement of intent, it would be best if you pull back on the information about your college academics. It's kind of not really that important a consideration for the admissions officer reviewing your application because his concentration will be focused on your intention for enrolling for a masters in PE.

Instead of enumerating your college background, what would help your application more will be a more detailed explanation of your current work and how it relates to PE. I would highlight the fact that you work with PE's all the time and that your intricate work knowledge in the field comes from your hands on experience. That is something that the reviewer will definitely find impressive and explain a tremendous amount regarding your desire to pursue a career in this field.

Speaking of a career in this field, it would help if you could at least present a 5 year plan for after you complete your studies. It is best if you can explain to the reviewer where you see this masters degree leading you to career-wise. You can start by explaining how you feel the university can best help you achieve your study goals which will then lead you to a more fulfilling career path within say 5 years.

If you can revise your essay to reflect the necessary information and post it here, I can help you clean it up so that it will finally be ready for submission. I am sorry that you have to do this, but statement of intent papers go through at least one revision in order to meet the goal of the applicant. We should be done before you know it. Just be patient a little longer :-)

Writing Feedback / Dissimilarity between developed and less developed countries [2]

Irham, while you make a compelling argument showing that foreign government intervention is the reason that there is a large gap between the finances of the developed and under developed countries, your line of reasoning does not consider one of the reasons that the developed countries need to intervene politically in the affairs of a poor nation. That of the infighting / conflict / civil unrest that exists in that nation. In other words, the poor nations often are faced with an internal political situation where, if the richer foreign country were not to intervene, it would result in the demise of a nation. As payment for this help, for saving the nation from the conflicts their own people created such as genocide, the more powerful nation asks for payment, that comes in the form of sequestering certain natural resources of the poor country. Keeping this in mind, what then, is the reason that the financial disparity between the nations exist? Is it really the intervention of foreign nations in the problems of state of a weak government, or the lack of / inability of the nation to use its resources properly in order to protect itself from internal conflict? Do you see where there is a loophole in your reasoning at this point? Would you really consider this a welfare tactic?

As such, the significant difference is inevitable between them and it will lead to be a threat for global community.
- Your discussion is not clear at this point. What is the threat for the global community that will arise from this difference? Can you be more specific for the sake of your essay discussion?

Initially, poor states need a independence from the intervention of other nations.
- How can this be done when the poor state actually requires the intervention of a stronger state in order to keep their government in place and stop their people from involving themselves in a civil war?

Eventually, modern countries should help the traditional nations in many aspects such as finance, educations and health because limited technology, information and medicine are the factor of poverty which impede country's development.

- The developed countries already help the poor nations do this. Yet you say by doing this, the rich country is taking advantage of the poorer nation. These bilateral, commercial, and political agreements are necessary for the development of a nation. It allows the rich nation access to certain things owned by the poor nation in exchange for help. Yet your essay considers such things a part of stealing from a poor nation. I think you need to rethink your position on the matter in order to remove this conflict.

Writing Feedback / Abortion: Help Before and Beyond - Great Awareness [3]

LS, this is a very profound and emotionally charged essay that could have only been written by someone who truly had her life affected by a secret abortion. Your desire to have abortion education become more common place and easily accessible. The information that you have in this paper could actually save a life or help guide someone else who is facing the same situation that you did. This is, for all intents and purposes, a very well researched and developed essay.

However, for all of the research and information that you present, most specially with the details of your emotional bout with the long term effects of abortion, I was hoping to have read more about your ideas as to how abortion information can be better implemented in order to help more people. While you speak of the legal and recognized alternatives to abortion and the long term effects of abortion, the essay, towards the conclusion could have used your voice.

Having experienced abortion and its long term effects first hand, I am almost sure that you also have some alternative solutions to the problem. Some proposals that could actually be implemented on a personal basis or used as a platform for further improvement of the already existing solutions. While the state has recognized solutions, not all of the women facing your situation may opt for it. Do you have any alternative suggestions for the situation? With such strong and raw emotions running throughout the paper, I was expecting to see some sort of referral to that towards the end or in the middle of your paper.

For example, you could discuss something about the creation of support groups that will help a woman come clean with her family in the event of an unplanned pregnancy. Maybe you can discuss how families can better address such situations should they be faced with the same situation. You speak at great length about how families are affected by an abortion. So why not offer some solutions or insights into how a family should be open and share the burden of an unplanned pregnancy rather than simply relying on the solutions offered by the state? I think that would help improve the content of the paper even further as it will show your keen interest in the abortion issue and the fact that you want to do something to help other women who are now in the situation you used to be in. That will provide not only help, but a greater awareness of the long term effects of abortion and the various methods a single mother can look into in order to address her situation.

Writing Feedback / Studying at a small university helps promote the interaction among students and learning efficiency [3]

Hi Long! Why are you taking note of the word count? Were you writing with a word limitation? Was it 300? If so, then you dd very well in writing this essay. Your opinion was clear and acceptable. It contained just the right amount of public knowledge and personal experience that allowed the reader to get a better view of the issue being discussed. Good work all around. Now, there were a few grammatical issues in the essay that I feel needs to be addressed. Here are my corrections:

The question of whether to attend a big university that comprises IS COMPRISED of thousands of students or a small one that contains IS COMPOSED OF just a few hundred students

of enrolling for IN a small-sized school.

The bases BASIS for my view

will surely promote the interaction between

are able to assist their students on individuals' REGARDING INDIVIDUAL problems.

Such is a THE quality that A small university possesses but large schools do not

What is more, going GOING to a small-sized university

due to the low STUDENT ratio

this will make students become more close-knit like a family.

By way of conclusion, TO CONCLUDE,

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 : Loneliness or Better Sense of Community [3]

Muflih, you are contradicting yourself in your statements. In your introduction, you indicate that you believe that people living in high rise apartments are lonely. Though you do not expressly explain why in that paragraph, I took it to mean that you would be defending that stance in your succeeding paragraph discussions. Somehow, you managed to change your opinion from the time to composed your introduction to the time that you wrote your first paragraph body.

In the body of your essay, you directly contradicted your stand when you said that the people who live in high rise apartments are not lonely because of the entertainment and socializing facilities provided by management. So which is your real stand? Is it that people in high rise apartments are not lonely? If that is so then you need to revise your opening statement to reflect that.

I find that when writing this type of compare and contrast essay, it is always best to make a list of the pros and cons of each argument. If I can see a complete listing of the good and bad, then I will be able to better develop and support my argument. I will be making an informed argument rather than just typing the words that first come into my mind. It is hard to consider the pros and cons if you do not first analyze the requirements of the prompt. So make sure that you understand the prompt, and that you have a clear idea of the argument you want to present before you present it in its final form for review.

While there are grammatical errors in this essay that should be addressed, I cannot do so because of your conflicting claims. Resolve the conflict first and then we can look at improving the grammar of the essay :-)

Writing Feedback / Gaining the proper education is very prominent particularly when looking for a good job [4]

Irfan, the argument that you presented in this essay does not consider some important points that the people who support getting work experience right after school often present as the valid point in their argument. I am talking about the fact that some of the richest people in the world such as Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, and Mark Zuckerberg, don't have any diploma's to speak of. They did not graduate from college and yet, through sheer work experience, they went on to become some of the richest men on the planet. So how will you argue that stance?

That is the main stance that you should have been countering in your essay. The information about the population and how college training is important in order to get a job seem moot and academic when you consider the background of these men, who all prove that getting a job after high school has more benefits that spending your time studying in college before even trying to get a job.

I would like you to rethink your argument in this essay. Make it more aligned towards the common known information about those people who decided to work after high school and did pretty well for themselves. There are a number of them who are not big name persons, but their live better lives and are the bosses of college graduates. Take that result into consideration and then create a stronger argument in support of your stand.

Writing Feedback / Social Bond in The High Rise Apartment [2]

This is certainly a very interesting discussion Muhajid. Your line of reasoning obviously comes from personal experience, first hand knowledge, and observations of the various housing types available in China. This makes your discussion quite authoritative in stance and allows the reader to come to a more informed decision after reading your essay. I must say, I admire how you were able to get your thought across even though some of the grammar you used requires revisions in order to make your point clearer. Being grammatically perfect is the ideal in any written essay. However, making sure that you can make yourself understood is more important. You successfully did that in this exercise. Let me offer some grammatical corrections at this point to help you further enhance your English language use.

living in high-rise apartment is the A lonesome experience due to there is no THE LACK OF social bond WITH each other.

that remain there have ARE plenty of OPPORTUNITIES AND PLACES FOR togetherness IN A HIGH RISE APARTMENT better than living in A dwelling-place HOUSING block.

Regarding to those who espouse ARGUE the argument that there are reasons THAT THERE IS A the lack of community passion in apartments.

First of all, I BELIEVE THAT it is dependENT on the purposes of the construction and its targets.

The tenants have trend which are homogeneous, for FOR example, they THE TENANTS are full time workers all it once in apartments .

and ARE more expensive too

In the whole Chenggong China, to exemplify, FOR EXAMPLE,

because did not affordable by society. PEOPLE CANNOT AFFORD TO PURCHASE IT.

As a result, the government decided to split the superblock apartments in order to be more humane with added facilities of the FOR social life and adapted THE LOOK TO traditional Chinese houses.

I believe that extend STAYING in apartment blocks create a lot of chances for togetherness

First, people would are quite familiar and getting to know other families because they are often meet without stopping with each other on the stairs, in the corridors, or in the soup kitchen.

Secondly, at the weekend time DURING WEEKENDS, they often gatheredall together in the park, children's playground, or other facilities which are provided by management apartment. THE APARTMENT MANAGEMENT.

Consequently, they would tend to often share such as experiences, foods, and other things because those were already believe as one community and one family. THEY ALREADY BELONG TO ONE COMMUNITY THAT THEY SEE AS FAMILY.

Always try to tighten your thought process. Notice how I deleted a number of unnecessary words in your essay. These just clutter the message of your essay. Concentrate on presenting clear thoughts in every sentence. Do not transliterate things. Make sure to say it in English, proper English.

Writing Feedback / People around the world pursue the internet as sophisticated media to do anything such info and data [2]

Diqon, there is still a lot of confusion in your essay. Most of the thoughts remain unclear because of the way you string together the words which do not necessarily relate in an understandable manner. I can see that you placed an increased amount of effort into writing this essay. It shows in the way that your sentences try very hard to make yourself understood. I feel that you need to go back to the basics of English grammar writing in order to truly improve your writing skills.

Some of the suggestions that I can give you in order to do this is to formally enroll in beginners English language classes. That way you will learn how to develop an English thought process from the first word that comes to your mind. The classes can help you develop your English way of thinking in a coherent manner as well.

Aside from that, I would like you to start reading English language comic books like The Archies, Iron Man, The Avengers, or any comic book that you might enjoy reading. These comic books use simple English dialogue and are accompanied by action drawings which help you understand the meaning of a sentence as well as sentence development and structure.

The suggestions I am offering you above are some of the early platforms by which English as a Second Language learners get to improve their English writing and reading skills beyond the classroom. I hope that these suggestions will help you as well.

It is really hard for me to correct your essay at this point because the premise of the prompt that you are responding to is very unclear. Could you please post the original prompt here so that we can get a better idea as to whether you should be talking about technology or the internet in your response? I cannot get a clear idea from your discussion either because it is quite confusing to read.

I apologize if I am unable to help you correct your grammar at this time. There are just too many errors existing so I need to first be sure that you are properly answering the question first. Otherwise, your writing exercise will be useless.

Undergraduate / While seemingly simple, questions of ethics, honesty and integrity are sometimes puzzling. Caltech 2 [3]

Smiriti, you are being asked to discuss the honor system of Caltech based upon your personal experience. The mere fact that you failed to do the honorable thing when faced with a choice will automatically put you out of the running for a student slot at Caltech. Why would they want to enroll a student who paid a bribe just because he was pressed for time? Why didn't you try to find another way around the approval? Perhaps report the offending officer and demanding that action be taken through proper channels for your pass to come out on time? What would you be willing to do, violate, or dishonor, in your quest for a perfect grade at Caltech? This story tells the adcom that you are not the ideal Caltech student. No, this is not the story you want to submit to the admissions officer. This response is sure to end your quest for Caltech admission.

The motive of this prompt is to discover how principled a person you are. What kind of character do you have? Will you stand for what is right? Or will you stand for whatever is convenient for you, regardless of the price you will pay character-wise if it will give you the results that you desire? This is all about proving that you can embody the Code of Ethics of Caltech. Instead of proving that you are a principled person, you proved otherwise. Sadly, while the reasons for your actions may be socially acceptable, the reasons are not morally sound as there were other things you could have done to try and get the paper out in time. Including turning in the erring officer.

If I were you, I would try to find another incident that called my ethics into question and this time, I would make sure that the result would be the upholding of the ethical standards of Caltech. Try to increase your chances at admission through the embodiment of their moral and ethical standards. We are not sure how the reviewer will take to your story of bribery and corruption and your agreeing to aid in it because of convenience. It may come out as a negative score against you. It may be in your best interest to bury that story instead. That is my opinion at least :-)

Scholarship / My study plan - first: why major and second: improve a foreign language (Korean, English, etc) [5]

Hi Khaleby, I am more than happy to respond to your questions. Let's start with the first one about demeaning yourself about your knowledge of the Korean language. To demean means to lower your dignity or standing by saying something negative about yourself. As you can tell from your experience with the Korean language, you will not be coming in blind should you win the scholarship.

Since the KGSP pays for one year of Korean language education, and you already have, what? 5 months of Korean language education under your belt, you will no doubt be able to fully benefit from the language sponsorship you will be given. You will even have additional tutorial lessons after that paid for by the scholarship. Your advanced training in Korean is something that sets you apart from the rest of the applicants. It gives you an edge. By saying that you are not confident in your knowledge of Korean and that you are apologizing for not being able to give your TOPIK results, you are demeaning yourself.

Yes, please develop a study plan for prompt number 2. You need to explain the major you have chosen and the reason you chose 3 specific Korean universities to attend. Without the study plan, your application will be incomplete. Pick the 3 universities that you will feel will help you get the most out of your Korean education and help you become more proficient in the field you have chosen to specialize in. Start with your top pick for the university. A quick Google search should be able to help you accurately respond to that part of the prompt.

I hope I was able to sufficiently answer all of your questions. Feel free to ask more questions if you need to :-)

Undergraduate / I wasn't entirely sure about what type of engineer I want to be - Statment two for UW-Madison [4]

Justin, you may want to give some extra thought to the reasons why you chose to enroll at UW-Madison. While the overall content of the essay is strong, that particular portion of your response to the prompt could use some extra work. Aside from the extra curricular aspect of university life, you should be able to mention specific academic offerings that you are looking to take advantage of while a student at the university.

Your opening statement is a bit confusing. Are you currently a high school student going into college? Or are you a college student looking to transfer universities? I am not sure which of the two you are because in the first part, you discuss your high school AP Chemistry classes then in the next, you discuss your interest throughout college. Which of the two is it? The advice you receive will also depend upon your current status as a student because as a graduating student, your focus will be different from that of a current college freshman looking to transfer universities. Please clarify that point.

You mentioned that you feel you can contribute a lot to the university community. Can you give any specifics or details as to how you plan to do that? The essay asks you to mention any contributions you can make to the community. This is your opportunity to share your thoughts about that.

There are a few grammar points that need addressing so let me get to that below :-)

At the beginner BEGINNING of my senior year in high school

I had enrolled in AP Chemistry and , little did I know that class would influence my choice in a major.

and to attend a U university

that has drawn me to the UW-Madison

but what sets me apart from the rest IS, to start off, I feel that I can contribute a lot to the U university community.

are thingS

while at Madison , along with any opportunities THAT are beneficially BENEFICIAL not only for TO myself but to the community as a whole.

opportunities I plan to take part off

to taking part of IN the "Jump Around" between the third

Writing Feedback / Fiction-Writing : The story about leaving home for a while [9]

Well now, this is certainly a huge improvement over the first version that you wrote. While there are existing grammar problems, it does not become as noticeable because of the way that you draw the readers attention to the sentiments on the page. Something that you were able to do because you have learned to set up the scene before you bring on the dialogue and emotions.

Perhaps you can write in a quick explanation of why his family did not see him off to the train. It just doesn't seem logical that for a tightly knit family, they chose to not see him off to the train. Considering it may be the last time that they saw him alive. I would have written some sort of farewell scene between the family members at the train station. Just to add more emotion and drama to the way he felt as the train pulled away from the station. Then again, that could just be a nice scene in my imagination :-)

I like the way that you made the story hang at that point when he takes hold of the photo again. You brought the story full circle with that move. It created a more emotional pull on the reader because he mimicked the movement that he did when he was with his family and now he feels like he is alone, but the picture reminds him that he is not.

Overall, a pretty decent revision of the story. Will you be submitting this again to your teacher? Please let us know how it goes for you if you resubmit this story. I am sure it will get some sort of grade improvement :-)

Undergraduate / Why GIT (beyond rankings, location, and athletics) & Your Future after GIT - Georgia Tech [3]

Jize, look out for your tense usage. In prompt number two, you should have used the future tense in constructing the following sentence:

I try to make the supply chain more efficient

It should be written as:" I will try to make the supply chain..." since you have yet to accomplish or enact this action.

Here are some more corrections :

I want to conduct scientific research to simply SIMPLIFY the usage of solar energy.

thanks to the MY civic engagement during the MY PAST four years in Georgia Tech

I will also start at a local team to raise the environmental awareness

By using the skills THAT I gained beyond the lectures and group discussions,

I will ENSURE THAT proceed my endeavors WILL CONTINUE to contribute to the bigger world.

I hope I was able to help finalize your statements :-)

Scholarship / My study plan - first: why major and second: improve a foreign language (Korean, English, etc) [5]

Khaleby, you need to work on your response to the language prompt. You should not demean yourself in relation to your knowledge of Korean. You've already been living there for 5 months and you are already taking Korean language lessons. In my opinion, you are already ahead of your competitors. Review the prompt, you are required to present some sort of language plan for yourself after you graduate. How do you see yourself further improving and using the Korean language after you graduate in 5 years? You seriously need to develop a response to that part in order to completely respond to the prompt.

You need to remove the reference to continued studies of English under plan number 2. Move those statements up to Plan 1. It is more relevant in that area. According to the prompt for plan 2, you are supposed to address your choice of major and the reasons why you chose specific Korean universities as your potential educational institution.

You need to slow down and review your responses to the prompts provided. You concentrated so much on Prompt number 1 that you did not leave any space to respond to Plan 2. In fact, you totally forgot to address that prompt in this draft. Try to come up with a response for Plan 2 and post it here. We will need to shorten the content of each plan and try to focus your discussions because you have a tendency to ramble in your response. At this point, I can only offer comments on the parts of the essay that you did respond to. I can give you better advice once you respond properly to the prompt.

Remember, there are two prompts for you to respond to. Try to shorten the first one about the language plan and then develop a study plan for yourself. Keep it quick and to the point, don't ramble on. Just give relevant responses to the requested plans.

Graduate / Effective points for studying Petroleum Engineering as a EEE engineer [12]

Mohammed, I realize how difficult it might seem to find a connection between Electronic Engineering and Petroleum Engineering. However, if you perform a simple Google search, you will find that there are actually ways and means to connect the two fields in an accurate way. In fact, there already is a connection between the two, you just don't realize it yet. You have a degree in Engineering which is the most basic educational foundation required of anyone who wishes to work in the field of Petroleum Engineering. You have a fundamental understanding of the requirements of the course and you can provide a different kind of service in this field.

You should try to look into the drilling and, artificial lift systems, and the electrical engineering needs of the oil and gas facilities. These areas of Petroleum Engineering require people with your background to make the system run efficiently or develop systems that will further enhance the performance of its area duties. If you do further research into the requirements for these PE related jobs, you just might find some information that you can use for your statement of intent draft.

Here is an idea. Use the information I provided above and try to draft a statement of interest on your part. Try to display a keen interest in PE even while having studied EEE. Maybe there are some parts of your EEE training or work experience that somehow can relate to the field of PE. It might be a bit difficult to do but we might just be able to spin your information into something positive in relation to your interest in PE. You will never know unless you try. We will be here to help you try to find that relationship :-)

Undergraduate / My performance in the Talent Show and further competitions - meaningful talent essay [11]

That will definitely work Chen. However, I would just consistently use the word talent instead of skill. That way the reviewer will know that you do not consider your ability anything less than that, a talent. Not everyone is capable of improvisation so yes, it is a talent and not a skill.

One such example of a non-jazz improvisation could be a competition.
- Instead of that line, why don't you instead say something along the lines of "Improvisation was the one talent that helped me overcome a pivotal moment in my life..." then segue into the Harvard competition story? Do you think that will work better?

I discovered that, in music, academic, sports and everyday life, things usually don't work out exactly as I expected
- Don't you think the effect of the sentence becomes stronger if you omit those little details? Make it seem like improvisation is a talent that can be applied anytime and during any situation in life. Just a suggestion for you to consider :-)

When facing unexpected situation, most people would stop and start all over again, I don't.
- I would add a line saying "I improvise and successfully deal with the situation". I just felt like that line was needed there :-)

Here's hoping my additional suggestions work for you :-) Good luck with your application.