Essays / If your did not get this scholarship, what are your plans for the next four years. 300-400words [4]

Yankey, we're still looking forward to your posting here on EF.
You haven't written anything yet or you're just having doubts on what to write and how to write it.
Should you need some more assistance, do let us know so we can advice you more
in order for you to get going .

Remember, write exactly what the prompt is asking you to write, make a few drafts and see how you progress,
when you see that there's a development for the betterment of your essay, go ahead and post it here on EF so we can

assist you further.

Also, it will help if you do a little bit of research and tactics on how to approach your essay, it all matters to the overall presentation of the essay

especially because you have a word restriction and you should be able to come up with exactly great essay to that of a no restriction one.

I hope to see your essay soon.

Research Papers / Research Essay- The Fight Against ALS [3]

Blake, you have a well guided remark here coming from Louisa, I hope you follow through on that, I read it myself and the remarks are done to the best possible way that your research paper can be done.

In my side, just a reminder to add your citation in the end of the essay to make sure that your facts get a good back up, what you did, incorporating your citation onto the body of the paper is the best way to make sure and to show that your paper is not just done with a simple step of putting ideas and notes together, that it is researched and a lot of work is put into it.

It's also good that you wrote an introduction that starts with the paragraph dedicated to the explanation of what the disease is all about as well as what most people don't know about it, it's an education boosted and in a good - to - know information that hopefully we will not encounter in our lifetime, you also directed the reader to what is the preventive measure and the overall treatment needed to conquer the disease.

Overall, I believe your paper is written well, I wish you the best of luck on your research and I wish you the best of luck.

Graduate / The role of foreign aid - my Ph.D SOP in Political Science [5]

Eunok, I'd like to share my thoughts on the final paragraph of your essay.

- the role of foreign aid in the current international
- community seems to grow as states are becoming more interdependent,( a comma in not necessary if it's followed with the word "and") - I plan to makeenvision my scholarship on foreign aid and development

- relevant to both the academia and the real world policy world
- by discovering meaningful agendas and leading the discourse.
- To this enddate , I am confident that the strengths of the Department of xx at UU
- will offer a perfect environment to develop my academic insights and skills towards my chosen field of expertise .

There you have it, just a few enhancement that can hopefully modify and strengthen your already strong essay.
I wish you good luck and don't forget to incorporate all the remarks made in your essay as they will help your essay in more ways than one.

Undergraduate / New Education, New chance. UC Prompt #1 [4]

Caroline I would like to share that however your essay is written well, it doesn't help that you don't have faith in it, believe that what you made out of writing with your own two hands is a work that deserves praise.

It may be difficult to criticize your own work but you have to convince yourself that what you do is something that you should be proud of.

Aside from the remarks made by the other contributors above, you should follow through this corrections and I guarantee you that this will enhance your essay to greater heights and this does not mean that you write less than we do or anybody else, it's just that writing is never an easy task, it's quiet daunting too, especially when you're not really doing it all the time.

Anyhow, as mentioned, follow the remarks made on your essay, compare the work you did and the enhancement done and you will see the difference, if you're not convinced though, re- write your essay to your own writing corrections and post it here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / College Essay: Painting a Pot to Perfection [3]

JP, I'd like to share my insights on your essay and hopefully shorten the essay to abide by the restricted number of words.
This 1st 3 paragraphs can be merged into one and further eliminate some unnecessary words, this is also to avoid your essay from looking too crowded with

segmented paragraphs.

- camp concentrated on transforming mundane terraco tta pots,
- I mindlessly refilled foam paint trays and controlled the demanding glitter supply,

- After cleaning the mess, I finally sat down on the floor with my own terracotta( we have established that our subject is a pot ) pot, - I spent at leastabout ten minutes j

- I soon gained an audience of several counselors and campers
- as I continued to work in my little world .
- As nineteen pairs ofthere eyes stared on ,
- I finally smiled at the color I created: light crimson,
- the perfect background for the design that's already painting itself insidein my head.

There you have it JP, I hope the remarks I made helped your essay.

Undergraduate / Loving museums. I want to pursue a career in Museum Studies - Common App Personal Essay [9]

Audrey, when writing an essay, specially if you have been dictated a prompt to follow, it's always a good practice to write and start an idea in your head,

draft as much as you can so you will see how your writing evolved from your first writing piece towards your recent one. When you are convinced that you did one good piece, proof read and ask yourself, did I answer the prompt?, is this what the prompt is asking me to write?, or is this the right answer that I want to present to the panel as an answer.

When reading your essay, put yourself in the shoes of the admission panel and you will have a clear head to see if this is a good enough essay or a clear shot to a spot in the course. This is also a good practice that you can apply in all writing pieces that you will do in the future, treat yourself as the third person who will cricize your essay on a different perspective.

Anyhow, you did good in your work and I hope to see more of your writing pieces here on EF, i wish you good luck!

Graduate / Chemical Engineering for Industrial Development - Personal Statement [5]

Fadilla, I came back to see the improvement you did on your essay and reading through it,
I believe that you were able to put it together and made sure that you will come back strong and your essay
did just that.

However, just one last thing that I would insist you do, try to limit you paragraph into 3 paragraphs,
the introduction, the body and the final insight, this way the statement will not look as much crowded as it is now.
As you know, the presentation of your essay also matters in the eyes of the admission panel.

You made a huge improvement here in your statement and I hope you maintain the same in the next writing pieces that you will do,

we will always be here to assist you.
Keep writing and read a lot as this will help you enhance your vocabulary too.

Research Papers / Traditional Indian musical instrument TABLA (drum) [3]

Mawra, first of all, your question should be;

Can anyone tell me...

Now on the research paper, it's god that you did what everybody forgets to do, writing the description of the subject in a clear concise manner.

However, you continued and talked about the object all through out the essay, what is the exact purpose of the essay, is it to have an educational

insight of a long lost traditional musical instrument, is it how the music culture in India evolved or is it something else, I don't have any answers and all I have

are questions.

Reading through your essay, I feel like I'm reading a narrative of the series, "how it's made" India. Remind yourself that this is a research paper and not a narrative or a normal essay. You have to review the writing format as well as the elements of a research paper because aside from being a step by step guide on how the instrument works and how it's made, there is nothing to take away and nothing to be learned about in your research paper.

Also, the most crucial part of the research paper, the citation it's not in the body of the paper and not even in the end of the paper.

You still have a lot to do and it's advisable that you start the revision now.

Undergraduate / I want to study the Earth and learn how it can help us in the future through its gifts - Texas essay [4]

Sarah, you essay is written well and it's got the idea of what the prompt is asking you to write about.
However, I see a few things worth considering,your first paragraph focused more on you rather than directing the essay towards
it's purpose. The first 2 sentences about your personal background and how you didn't have interest in music is fine, but not to write the whole intoduction

part talking about it.

Now the body of the letter started to shape your response to the prompt and it is looking pretty good.
You wrote the 3rd and 4th paragraph and I believe it would do you good if you interchange this two paragraphs and
inject your final future plan to end the paragraph, because right now, it looks like it's missing one piece of the puzzle.

I hope I was able to help in enhancing your essay and when you do your revision, post it back here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / USC undergraduate admissions - business, with a focus on finance and entrepreneurship [5]

Chad, I'd like to share my insights in your essay.

- I believe a curriculum in finance and entrepreneurship amplewill prepares an
- individual to be successful in any field of business field .
- as I believe these classes will provide me with invaluable hands-on experience
- while also improving my ability to work with others in a team.
- In addition to this , I want to explore
- These organizations will enable me to learnstudy onabout my intended

There you have it Chad, a few minor corrections on your essay that will hopefully enhance your essay.
For future reference, work on your word choices, phrases and linking verbs, they affect the overall idea of your essay
so you have to take it with full consideration as you do on your grammar.

Undergraduate / 'everything gets better with time' - moving from Mexico to the U.S. - UT Austin Topic A [4]

Juan, I'd like to address the needed corrections on your essay.

- However, I however didn't react that way at all.
- I was honestly enthusedoverjoyed by this idea,
- Honestly, ( don't forget your punctuation marks to create that breather for your sentence ) I don't

- When I firstwe moved to the U.S. and started my 8th Grade year,
- I was excited, I couldn't wait to see my new school
- and was angeredfeeling silly that I had wanted to come here in the first place.
- I made new friendships that have shaped me to be who I am today.
- I've come to grow as a person in several ways,
- for example, I've become more outspoken, more independent, and more open-minded.
- This is experience has made me who I am todayhoned me into the person I am today and
- for that I am extremely grateful.

There you have it Juan, I hope you follow through with the corrections made in order to enhance your essay.

Undergraduate / Life map--common application essay-background story-help with my structure and details [4]

Zhang, as I was reading your essay, it felt as though I was reading a sci-fi short story, your essay is full of strength and it has a good flow.

The reason, I said it has a good flow is that, the readers know exactly if you are telling a story or if the character is the one playing the role.

This is a good writing ability that I believe you can master or at least develop, in order to have a great following and who knows, people may follow your adventures.

Now, the essay can be further structured and well presented if you will be able to manage and keep your paragraphs into a minimum of three.

The proper paragraph presentation of the essay affects the overall first impression of the writing piece too.
When you do the re - structuring make sure that you don't delete essential facts of the essay or the part where the climax of the story lies.

Should your revision is done, post it here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / "Closed Doors" personal statement: describe an obstacle in life that you solved or want to solve [5]

Basil, my thought on your essay is that, it is written well, there's no doubt on that, you have good flow and structure on your essay that made it easier to read as you go along. The message of your essay is clear, that life is a challenge you are willing to overcome and will do everything to be of service or any help to others.

The only flaw that I can see is the fact that you started strong on the essay, the body supported the strength of your essay, however, you ended the essay with a very weak point, to the extent of somehow, begging for financial aid. This is improper and uncalled for,you should not incorporate this issue on the essay at all. I understand that you want to write something realistic and full of emotions, but this doesn't mean that you have to beg.

Remember, the reason why you're writing the essay is for you to get a spot on the scholarship, so focus on that and keep your financial burden to yourself, don't let your essay look as if, you are just applying for the scholarship due to financial constraints, this is a fact and the admission panel know this already.

I suggest you re-write the last paragraph of your essay and keep a positive note with high hopes of getting a slice of the pie.

Scholarship / Motivation to return to Africa after graduation [2]

Nana, I agree with the remarks and corrections that Irham did above, it will definitely enhance your essay if you follow through the remarks.
More so, I believe, presentation wise, you can merge the 2nd and 3rd paragraph into one full second paragraph so that your essay will not present

too much paragraphs and will not appear that lengthy.

I must say that the anthem you follow and live by is a very good choice, sometimes we just need that constant reminder
to boost our confidence and keep us going. Technology has also did a lot of tremendous job in turning our lives upside down and in

a very good way than we can ever think.

Furthermore, the essay has a good mix of what the current events are and the path that you want to pursue later on in both your academic and professional

advancement.

I hope to see your revision and follow through on the remarks made and post your essay back here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / USC Undergraduate Admissions Supplement Essay- Major: Applied Mathematics, Intended Minor: History [4]

Zhang, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

Your essay is written well, in fact it's strongly written and you have a clear outlook of what your future will be with USC.

The way you transition your essay from the obsession you have with mathematics and numbers to writing about
how you would like to pursue it as a course in the university is very interesting and you manage to write it smoothly.

For future reference, try to play with big words too, your already good in mixing words of conversational English with mathematic terminologies
so you should not have any problems in using big words into your essay.

I hope to see more of your writing pieces here on EF so we can assist you further.

Scholarship / 'computers & books (stories & novels)' - Need Proof Reading In My SOP [2]

Tanweer, I'd like to share my insights on the final revision of your essay.

- SinceAs I was child, most of my time was spent with computers and books.
- However, my interest was in stories and novels. Bb ecause of this my typing speed
- touched a peak of 123WPM where asand I became good at web developing as well as blogging.
- To me,"To me" is a writing style of the by gone era) I bear problem solving skills at
- a very nicegood extent duetowith the affection towards programming.

- My wish isI ought to combine the
- power of hardware and software programs, to program the hardware in such a way
- Likewise for start I haveAt the same time, I made a circuit that controls

- Being in USAResiding in the USA, I'll be able to take advantage...

I hope this final remarks help strengthen your essay a little bit.

Graduate / Optometry was not always the clear choice as to what I wanted to do as a career. [14]

hi @Iro, below are my remarks for the 3rd and final paragraph of your essay.

3rd paragraph
- I saw myself getting intertwinedimmersed into a different world of medicine,
- I have always had a positive experience
- at the optometrist'smy doctor's office and that day
- I declared myoptometry my profession.

Final paragraph
- OnceAs soon as I decided on optometry as my career path,
- and proceeded to shadowed optometrists in my area.
- My future goals once I amas an optometrist would be to give
- back and serve the low-income community I live in .
- I would want to first join a group practice and with time,
- ownform my own private practice. B, b eing bilingual would help

This are my final remarks and I hope it helped.

Scholarship / Study Plan for review - it should include tile, content, method, key problem and time schedule. [6]

Amardeep, after careful research on this word, as I can't get it to myself that I don't know what the word is, it's like feeling hopeless.

Anyway, so now I know why I can't even find it in the dictionary, because it's misspelled, it suppose to be " cementitious" as

suppose to what you wrote " cementatious". You see, learning is in more ways than one.

Now, you learn as well that, in writing, there's a lot of things to consider and spelling is no exemption, it's a matter of sending your message across and not just the message but the message you want to send across.

For future, reference, be very careful on your spelling and you can always turn on that spell checker, to help you with your writing.

I hope to see more of your writing pieces here on EF and I hope I was able to help.

Undergraduate / I need to enjoy my time being alone won't help. I changed my old view about the people. [4]

Fwaz, I believe your essay is quiet weak and does not really correspond to the prompt, what you did is actually do the opposite way.

I was thinking that the introduction of your essay is just how you want to present your idea but you went on and talk about the same topic,

dedicating what you wrote in your introduction should be enough and should not continue to the second paragraph.

Your 2nd paragraph should focus on the purpose of the essay and answer what the prompt is asking for, you should also make sure that your ideas

is focused on what the purpose of your essay is.

You have to prove that the experience you had, changed and how it affected or added spice to your life.
It should showcase a transformation of you from the lessons you learned from your experience.
I believe the essay can be stronger.

I hope this insight helped.

Undergraduate / Through this experience I have learned that I am stronger than I would have ever deemed myself to be [4]

Hi Madison, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- fifty words describe the most difficult thing I have experienced, ( this is very long sentence, don't forget you punctuation marks ) my mind drew blanks.

- it created a trial that atin many times seemed unbearable.
- of bed and getting dressed was an accomplishment.
- using the most descriptive of words could not tell of the capacity of such sadness.
- whether it is learning to love each
- miracle of life or experiencing the detrimental but needed pains .

Madison, I can say that your essay is good and I believe you answered the prompt very well, sometimes we just learn lessons the hard way.

Scholarship / In UWC I will represent my country and share my culture and tradition, help it in any way possible. [3]

Pravin, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

I believe you have a well written essay, it's full of hopes to be with an institution that will hone your academic and professional expertise as well as give you the education that is par with the best institutions in the country.

I wish you had a few more word limit because you can definitely write some more and the word restriction is just limiting your capability on writing a stronger one, however, they put the word limitations to also guide you and refrain from writing unnecessary information that may mislead the purpose of your essay.

I wish you all the best on your application and do let us know what happens, we'd love to hear from you.

Essays / Doping in sports - Toulmin model essay [4]

Well Martryx, you have quiet a plan laid out already, I believe you have it all set and all you have to do is manage an extensive research to back up your paper.

On the other hand, it will help if you do an introduction of the entire research paper, this way, the reader os the paper will know exactly what they're reading about and what to expect on the paper. It will also help if you can manage to incorporate the works to be cited in the body of your research or whenever possible, this way, the paper will have a known source by the time they read the facts and not to have to review it at the end of the paper.

When you do start writing, add some current events in the world of sports, this will keep your research paper up to date and makes more sense, this will also deliver a good source of information to the public and to the panel that will review your paper thoroughly.

Moreover, try to keep your research paper have that blow by blow effect, like it should have one strong appeal after the other so that it will not bore the paper.

When you have it written, post it here on EF so we can assist you further.

Research Papers / DOES CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES DO MORE HARM THAN GOOD [3]

Michelle, I did a proof reading session on your essay and here's what I have;

- presentation wise, I believe you will be able to comprise your paragraphs into not so big ones
but not as short as the ones you have either.
- your citation work is good and it will be better if you incorporate it in the body of the essay and not just
in the end of the paper.
- the research paper itself is very timely, this issue is one of those issues that is never resolve, it needs to be strengthen and voices should be heard.

Nevertheless, your research paper is written well and for future reference, make sure that your facts are solid and it will back you up anytime and for just in case situations.

Undergraduate / Essay of UIUC : From a film editor to a computer scientist. [5]

- ThroughW hat magic can the computer shape videos make into graceful movies?

- In those courses, as I learned more and moreon basic programming skills,
- SinceAs I always edited video pieces and I learned that a

- My simple picture editing software letmade me realize how

Edward, as you can see I made a few corrections on your essay, I hope it helped. More over, I see your essay as a process of how your interest evolved from film editing to computer, however, I hope that you can strengthen your essay to be more inclined towards the academic side of the purpose of this essay.

Essays / "System modeling and simulation" - anyone can help with essay? i just have not idea:(. [3]

Sarics, I'd like to remind you that here EF, we don't write the essay for you, you write for yourself and make a well structured writing piece, then you post it here on EF and we will be here to assist you and provide you sound advice that will boost the quality of your essay.

Now, you are actually lucky to have a topic at hand, you have to incorporate this topic to your field of study and the future goals that you have, professionally and academically, it's a never ending learning process and this is just what you need to do, learn how to write your very own essay that corresponds to the prompt.

You have a solid guideline of what to write and how to write this essay, so you should be able to map it accordingly, more so, the structure of your essay is easier as you have all the information that the essay needs to have, all you have to work on is the presentation of the essay, such as which one is the introduction, body and the final paragraph of the essay.

When you're done with your draft, post it here on EF so we can have a look and assist you with the modification and further enhancement of your work.

Graduate / MS/MA in Statistics: Grad School Statement of Purpose [4]

Ye, you have a very well written SOP.
The only thing that I'm not a big fan of is the length of the essay.
The good thing is you were able to incorporate two different interest, if you might want to cal it, into an intriguing
yet realistic commitment to your future field of expertise.

Your weakness with numbers should not refrain you from taking another challenge as the field you would like to pursue is quiet related from the one you currently have. I'm no expert in all this analytical studies and mathematics is not my strongest point too, but I believe if you decided to take Economics in the beginning, then you should be able to decipher the and analyze the world of statistics.

Overall, your essay is written well, I suppose you will go over your essay and shorten it a little bit.

I hope my insights help.

Graduate / MS in Computer Science: SOP (from Geography to Computer Science) [3]

Welkin, this SOP is just way too long.

I believe you will be able to shorten or eliminate a few paragraphs in order to focus the SOP to what it's suppose to be and make sure that you never miss the important information needed to boost your application.

Most of the time, what happens with this kind of essay is that, it's too long it's loosing it's sense and it gives out unnecessary information that may ruin your chance for a spot in the university you are rooting for and this is not going to help at all.

I say you revise your essay and eliminate the unnecessary paragraphs and keep a focus on your academic background and goals.
Add a few statements on your personal background and what you can do as a future member of the institution, for greater welfare.

I hope to see your revised essay posted here on EF so we can assist you further.

Research Papers / "Food Security" - A look at poverty in America [5]

Terra, your research on Food Safety is just very timely, with the advent of take aways and food in a box, this is a growing concern not only in the under developed countries but also in well developed countries. As much as the world has a lot more problems to face, it is imperative that we focus on health and well being of the humanity and your research is talking just about this issue and will definitely be an eye opener.

I also want to highlight that you did a good job in your citation work, you did an extensive research that made the paper worth reading through.

Now, the only enhancement that I would suggest is to compress your idea into bigger paragraphs as it looks a little bit crowded when you have all the little paragraphs all over the place, as much as your idea of the issue at hand matters, your presentation of the paper also has an impact of

the overall presentation of the research.

I wish I was able to help.

Undergraduate / Interests led me into Biomechanical Engineering - Common App Essay [7]

Jasmine, the first time I laid my eyes on your essay, I noticed the presentation, paragraph spacing of your essay which is quiet not necessary. You can either put together 3 paragraphs, introduction, body and the final paragraph, that's about it and you will have a well written, well presented essay.

I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

FINAL PARAGRAPH

- Over the years, as this thought festered in the back of my mind,
- I was exposed to some engineering programs and building exercises.
- I found myself truly enjoying themin the field as
- I already loved solving problems and learning how things behaved .
- I liked ripping apart objects apart and trying to put them back together.
- That thusThis is what I want I wanted to do,

There you have it, I believe the above are the much needed fix for your essay, I hope it helped.

Essays / Preparing for IELTS exam, need help in writing essays [10]

Nazia, you have a long way to go to be making or writing an essay,I have a few guidelines that will help
you in making a good essay and hopefully improve your writing skills.

- know what you are writing for
- know the fundamentals and standards of what your article
- when writing, be objective
- gather your facts and figures and make sure that they will back up your essay for just in case situations
- refresh and review language rules in order to create a well constructed essay
- make sure that there is an idea and the focus is not missing
- create a good flow and presentation on your essay

Finally, practice writing and read a lot, this will help you with your vocabulary, thus helping you come up with a well written writing piece.

I hope to see your essay here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / 'From coding programs in BASIC to playing football': persistence and hard work is the key to success [4]

Hi Hardik, as I read though your essay, I didn't see any relevance of what you wrote to that of the purpose of the essay, you made it so creative that you completely missed the purpose of your essay. Believe me, there's nothing wrong with being creative, I would like to write creatively all the time but if that's not the purpose of the essay is, then we are wasting our time.

Now, I'm not saying that you should write a totally new essay but I'd rather that you do.
Focus on the purpose of the essay and work from there, manage the flow of your essay and never loose focus, the informations you have about your family background, academic and hard work will still play a big role in your essay but keep it to a minimum and pull your essay together with a stronger final paragraph .

When you have your re- written essay, post it here on EF so we can assist you further.

Graduate / 'providing enough for those who have too little' - UBC SOP Graduate Admissions in Computer Science [8]

Ishaqur, I'd like my thoughts on your essay, as much as you would love to be creative in your essay, what matters greatly is to answer the question, what is the purpose os your essay, each essay you write is unique that the other as they serve and differ greatly on it's purpose.

However, I liked the fact that you quote a great person to start the essay and draw inspiration from him but the fact is, you were not able to keep up with the general purpose of the essay. Somehow, you lost focus on what you were trying to come up with and what you are really rooting for, you focused on unnecessary information and creative input that are not needed for this essay and you jump from one scale of idea to another.

Anyhow, I believe a very little modification on your essay will do, when you re- write, keep a mainstream, focus on the necessary points and keep your essay strong.

I hope I was able to help.

Scholarship / This is my Motivation Letter for a Scholarship opportunity from DAAD [7]

Visal, before I dice up your essay, I need to figure out where to start first, you wrote or shall I say, posted you essay in the sense that I don't know where you essay starts, no paragraph segregation, no bold notes to mark the prompt and whatever is not part of the essay.

This is the first task you have to clear in order to gain EF contributors to have a look and review your work.

When you do your revision, please mind the following.

- write in clear concise manner
- know what a motivation letter is and what information you need to give out
in order to write and come up with a well written letter
- know what are the standards of the DAAD Scholarship,
this will help you find, learn and step closer to that scholarship award
- mind your letter presentation, this also matters in gaining confidence on your letter

Lastly, inject a personal insight in the final paragraph of your essay, this is always a winner.
I hope to see your revised essay posted here on EF so we can assist you further.

Scholarship / Olympiads, Chemistry Club and tutorial classes - NTU Scholarship Essay on my achievements [11]

Joshua, I'd like to help out, as I read though your essay, I conclude, it's not strong enough and there's a few grammar and sentence construction issues to work on.

Here's what I thought;

- As time went on,( this phrase is not necessary ) I became more fascinated
- Consequently, I was appointed to join some( "some" denotes a weak point, refrain from using this word) competitions and
- Olympiads whichthat built my self-esteem and independence.

-Besides studying theories from the textbook,
- It enlightened mestrengthened my understanding on how Chemistry can be applied in real life.
- By doingWith experiments, I also gained self-discipline
- and made me dedicate myselfdedication to Chemistry,
- and therefore I have a dream to be a researcher in Chemistry.

- Beyond those mentioned above, I am also active in tutorial classes.In this connection, I beca me a tutor
- forto my fellow students

- I hope that NTU canto fulfill my dream to be a researcher in Chemistry
- and let me joinwith NTU program in Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering, I believe I will get the best assistance towards achieving my professional and academic goals.so that I can apply the knowledge for my country and humanity.

There you have it Joshua, quiet a lot of work to be considered there but nevertheless you have the idea, you just need to incorporate them in your writing.

Graduate / Further Financial Understanding and Career Advancement - MSc in Finance - Imperial College [5]

Arief, I hope it's not too late for my insights.
I believe you can still streamline your essay to have focus on it's main purpose and not just fill the space required for the essay.

Presentation wise, looking at the admission staff perspective, you essay is not presented very well, too many short paragraph to make the essay
look longer and bolder but this style doesn't mean the essay is well written, it just give a negative impact that you are counting on spacing your

paragraph in order to make it look like you have a well written essay.

Further to your essay, you have a good idea and you answered to the prompt precisely and elaborately, you had a good chunk of information that draws the admission staff for a careful consideration to your essay and you have to keep this impact in order to earn that spot.

Make sure that as strong as you have written the beginning of your essay should be the same strong paragraph you end your essay with and as mush as I would like to add personal insight at the end of your essay, I believe your final paragraph may not be necessary.

I hope I was able to help.

Undergraduate / My perception of Buddhism and how it has changed - Apply Texas Topic A [4]

Srimal, after careful assessment of your essay, I believe you were able to come up with a well written essay.
You wrote the essay with a clear message, not to judge abruptly when things present themselves, instead you dig deeper
and provided a knowledgeable insight of what happens, when it happens and what to do when faced with situations like this
presents itself. You kept a calm approach on instances were some would panic and will puzzled on what to do.

Going back to your essay, presentation wise, it's good, you have a god paragraph formatting, the flow of of your essay is also smooth and the words that you have chosen is good, no repetition and you know exactly which word to put where.

For future reference, keep the same positive approach of your essay and refresh yourself on the language rules as this helps enhance your writing skills too.

Scholarship / How you contribute to your household and what would have happened during your absence? [6]

My pleasure to help Emmanuel, it's good to know that you are open to constructive criticism and we are here to help out.
EF is a platform for students to rely on when it comes to their paper works, we provide sound advice towards the enhancement of your essay

and will hopefully land you the best school, university and scholarship.

More so, we hope to enhance your writing skills by providing refreshers on the English language rules and make sure you remember the rules that will guide you in coming up with the best material for your application.

We hope that you write more and read a lot in order to enhance your vocabulary and be able to write a far better essay than what you use too .

Don't hesitate to let your friends and classmates learn about EssayForum.com so they will get help too.

'till next time, keep writing!

Scholarship / 'I developed a slight tendency towards project management.' Mundus Scholarship letter [9]

Qamar, this is what I don't understand with your essay, it feels like it's a letter that elaborates your career history and not a motivation letter which is the purpose of your essay.

Before writing a letter, I mean I know that you have done this before but, you have to make sure that you adhere to what is asked of the prompt. A motivation letter should be a run down of information that made you decide to apply for the scholarship, what does this scholarship benefit you, how will you live up to the standards of scholarship awardees and what can you contribute to the league of scholarship awardees to pass on the legacy of the institution to you, to the society and the community as a whole.

I'm not saying that you re- write the entire essay but at least draw more conviction and justice to your application, make it stronger and known to the admission staff that you are serious in what you do and to further you, knowledge you are willing to do whatever it takes.

I hope to see a stronger revised essay as Erasmus Mundus is quiet a tough scholarship to beat.

Undergraduate / Artists Statement / Solving a Problem Essay [3]

Hi Claire, I'd like to share my insights on your essay.

- DrovesLoads of people flocked to a Van Gogh exhibition on a holiday weekend.
- There,( this is not necessary as you have established the location of the event )
-A procession of people
- I decided to go back anotherthe next weekend and this time, research.
- I spent that afternoon observing the movements of the observerspeople appreciating art ,

- After this, I made it myan intention
- I thought this wasis ( however the action is done, keep the present form when referring to an on going action ) it,

- So, I have given up trying to get your attention.
- I love to use aA crylic becauseon the other handit is bright,
- I love to eE xperiment with spices, fire and mirror scraps becausealso intrigues me,
- I love to rR esearch biographies, philosophy, and strange history because I am fascinated by peoplefascinates me . - I love to learn and I love to observe. AndTo learn and to observe the works of people runs in my blood and I finally, I wantdecide to go to school to become a better artist

- I want to go to school to learn how, to communicate with clarity so that I can make the most of my six seconds.

Well Claire, as you can see I had a bit of struggle in enhancing your essay, you used words over and over though out the essay and this made the essay boring and no content. Yes, you made a clear statement of what you want to become and what you want to achieve professionally but this is not just what the essay is all about, you should be able to make sure that you send a clear message to your readers so much so to the admission staff who will give you a green signal to take that path and follow your dream or better luck next time.

I hope my remarks help!

Scholarship / How you contribute to your household and what would have happened during your absence? [6]

Emmanuel, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

Prompt #1:
- In myAt home, I was the older...

Prompt #2:
- we help in getting the house chores done sotherefore if I am to live
- Nobody, be tiit a relative or a community member
- could take over my duty of contributing financially which is whyhence I am applying for this scholarship.
- With thisthe scholarship,
- I would not have to worry about my feestuition being paid and focus on my studies.

There you have it Emmanuel, I believe you have answered the prompt properly, straight forward and precise, all you have to be careful with the word placement and the way the sentence is constructed.