Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Task 2: Choose a job that you love,rather than the one with high salary [4]


Most youngsters will have to find their own ends meet after leaving school, and therefore it is essential for them to find a job with a higher salary.


This seems irrelevant.
But being a youngster involved in sales earn more money than their peers in other fields.


Firstly, having a job you like lets you work with pleasure, and therefore it improves your efficiency.

It'll be better if you mention that most young people can not afford to find work in their desired fields because they need to settle down in life and that needs a lot of money. Therefore most people try to find a well paid job to start off with and later find a job they enjoy.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Knowledge without Experience is not fruitful! [4]


"get" is not something you use with knowledge. Try
However, acquiring knowledge without any experience does not lead to a prosperous life.


This sentence is unclear. Let's rephrase it..
Nearly all kinds of people are convinced that experience is essential for starting work.

Writing Feedback / IELTS A 2 "Are violent games responsible for the increased violence in major cities" [7]


You don't need to say "however" because it does not fit with your previous sentence.


It's better to state it yourself.
Therefore I disagree with the fact that violent computer games are the only reason for increased crime rates in major cities.

I think you have done a good job. But it might be an idea to give a solution to this gaming problem since you too agree that it has some influence on the crime rate. Also I hope you are within the word count. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Many people think that international travel will decrease in the future. [6]

Your writing to the wrong topic. Even though I agree with you, you must assume that travel will decrease and then argue whether it would be a positive thing or not.

If you rewrite the essay, post it here so that we can help you. :)

Undergraduate / I'm from Iraq, which is one of the largest oil producer! [4]


Is this one sentence??? It's too long. And everybody knows what Iraq is.. Lets start your essay like this
My name is Omar Qasim Mohammed and I come from the largest oil producer in the world, Iraq.

The middle and latter part of the sentence is very confusing. Please rephrase it.

You need to lessen the length of your sentences a lot. Because when a sentence is too long, it's hard for a reader to understand it. Clarity is essential when writing an essay.

Writing Feedback / Women should not marry in their teen years [4]


State it in a way so that you stamp your idea.
Because of the changes in the woman's world, I believe they should not marry in their teen years.


I don't think progress in life is a good phrase.
This allows them to have their own job and helps them climb up the co-operate ladder.


I think you have a very good ending. :) nicely balanced.

It might be an idea to use a few examples. Such as the medical field. In the past women were not allowed to become doctors. And there are plenty of other examples still today.

Scholarship / The motivation to continuously study food biotechnology ; Why study in Australia? [3]


The latter part of the sentence is unclear to me. And I think it is way too long for a first sentence of an essay.


Therefore Vietnamese farmers often suffer huge losses in yield


I was very excited when I understood that bio technology was the key to Australia's agricultural success.

You need to shorten your sentences and work on your grammar.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL;Reviewing the PAST is important to solve the problem of the present future [2]


Good start, but I think it would be better if you do not say that the problem is the present and the future. It would sound better like

significant impact on solving the problems of the present and the future.


I think you mean crisis.


This sentence is too long. Try to break it down in your own way.. :)

You display good writing skills. :) Good luck with your exam.

Writing Feedback / Brain Drain is a dangerous phenomenon that prevails in our society [4]


Your paragraphs are unbelievably short. You need to work on the start and body of the essay more.
There are several reasons which urge highly skilled people to different parts of the world, especially developed countries.

Your writing skills are actually good. :)

There are some more reasons for this.. People who want to pursue their higher studies abroad might settle down because they get so used to the environment there. And also many people go abroad because they do not have enough scope in the fields they have specialized in..

Writing Feedback / IELTS GT Writing Task 2: To what extent should children have to follow rules? [2]


However, there are a some people who do not believe this is right.


... this is a very good point.


I believe that children should follow a certain set of rules so that they do not misbehave in society.

I think you need to say more on what you believe. Try presenting some of the facts as your own ideas...

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Advertising is the most important cause of unhealthy eating habits. [7]


... needs more spice as this is your opening sentence.
Today, advertising has become an unavoidable part of our lives. Its influence on society is tremendous.


It is one of the reasons why we buy harmful food.


I believe our unhealthy eating habits are caused by a lot of other reasons as well. The fast pace of modern life, the... and emotional eating are some of these reasons.

I'm not sure whether the question asks you to write about your opinion here.. Pls check..

Writing Feedback / Technology effects; making friends and communicate with one another is different [5]


hmmm... I think your saying this too soon.. And I agree with Dumi.. I think it's always better to mention what you think clearly.

I think you could stress on the fact that real friends can not be made through a computer. Real friends can be made through face to face conversations. There are so many exmples of people getting into trouble because they made friends through facebook and twitter. You need to give more on this.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 (IELTS): The levels of participation in education and science [4]

It'll be great if you could attach the graph on to your thread..


between the years 1080 and 1990.


This sentence does not make any sense to me.. :/


the sentence sounds good up to the beginning of this part. This little part breaks the flow and it can confuse the reader.

You write good English. It would have been better had you attached the graph with your thread because it is easier to help you put all the figures together... I hope my suggestions helped.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2; TV programmes are transmitted throughout the day and night [6]


Personally, I am in favor of the former view. .. OR Personally, I support the former view


I think you should present this before the previous reason because this is the main reason why we have 24 hr TV.


It is especially harmful to teenagers.

You can talk about what kind of programs go on TV, and whether they are suitable for people of any age.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Single Career or Multi Career? More Careers are more beneficial! [4]


There are some grammatical errors this sentence.
The new trend is to have several careers or sources of earning money. Further education has turned into something you continue throughout life.


I do not think this is necessary.


It must be lives since you are talking about a lot of people. Keep everything in plural.
Firstly, having many careers have changed peoples lives in a positive manner.

You can mention some disadvantages also if necessary. Multitasking is dangerous and not everyone can do it properly. Some people are better of concentrating on one thing.

Writing Feedback / 'it brings efficiency' - Face-to-face Communication. Opinion essay (IELTS) [4]


I don't think this is necessary..


tro begin with, face-to-face communication is much more effective and accurate than other methods.


Communicating through letters has always taken a lot of time because there are many third parties involved in the delivery process

Hmm you have only talked about the effectiveness of face-to-face communication. I think that it is the best way of communicating as long as it is possible. But other methods have come into being because it is not always possible. And therefore one could argue that it is not the most convenient method. You can add this bit as a disadvantage of face-to-face communication.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Youth unemployment issue and what measures can be taken to reduce its level [5]


Youth unemployment is regarded as one of the biggest problems in some countries.


I do not quite understand what you mean by "states as a whole"... This is what I think you are trying to say..

It not only haunts young people who are struggling to find a job, it also causes a huge problem to the society.

I think you have missed a crucial point here. Most developing countries actually have plenty of job opportunities. It's just that young people are unaware of them. If something could be done to fix this, youth unemployment can be reduced significantly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Classmates Vs Parents - Influence on child's future [5]


I'm not sure that this is necessary. It would have been a good idea had it been short. But your "quantum physics theory" takes a lot of space and for a moment i was wondering whether I'm reading the correct essay. I think you need to shorten it.


Parents lay the foundation for their child's future.


I'm not sure I follow what you are trying to say here. :/

I think you need to write more about what influences the child. It's obvious that parents influence a child when they are young. As they get older they are more attached to their peers. Why is this?? Write more on that fact.

Writing Feedback / 'different ways of leading lives' - Children should begin their formal education at a very early age [5]


Different people have different knowledge levels and I believe teachers can help them receive a solid education.


Seperate is not a suitable word here.
They must be taught to mange things on their own at a very early stage, and therefore, must be taught to handle things without the help of their parents.


If they waste their time playing, they will not be able to gain this valuable experience. Therefore I believe that they should spend more time at school.

I think it's best to say that children must have a delicate balance between playing and studying.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - CHANGE IN LIFE IS GOOD OR BAD? [4]


If someone wants something, he will need to break through many barriers on his way.
I don't feel as if this sentence is relevant at this part of the essay.


Ummm.. this part is very confusing to me.. this what I think your trying to say...
Not wanting to change is like not wanting to make an attempt to get what you want.
Again, a very confusing sentence...

You need to focus a lot on grammar. :)

Writing Feedback / Existence of plants around study places should be maintained [3]


'Having plants around a study area brings about many advantages.


Ummm... I'm not sure I understand this sentence. and I feel it's a bit too long as well.


Students would prefer to study in a cool surrounding. ... simplified.


Therefore, having plants around study places is advantageous in many ways, and would be very beneficial for students.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph) Population of turtles in India [6]


It shows significant rises and falls in a span of 22 years.


ummmm... the population of leatherback turtles have dropped dramatically since 1987. And it's only around 60 in 2012. Oh and the population of Olive Ridley turtles have incereased to 120 by 2012.So...

Green turtles have succeeded in maintaining a population between 90-100, whereas the population of Leatherback turttles have decreased dramatically to 60 by 2012. The population of Olive Ridley Turtles have gone up to 120 by 2012.

Writing Feedback / The best movie I've ever seen, without a doubt, is called "The pursuit of happiness" [4]


After his wife wife left him, Chris was devastated and was on the door step of loosing everything he cared about.


This sentence is too long.. Lets break it down. :)
He lost his apartment because he could not keep up with the rent. His bank accounts were overdrawn. He even had to spend time in jail because he was not able to pay off a fine. But he never gave up hope.


Although his life was very miserable, his love for his son gave him strength to keep on fighting.

I just want to add that I really liked this movie too. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Rare languages disappear from the world. Some people say is not important [5]


This sentence has some grammar issues.
Due to dominance of certain languages, many rare languages are disappearing every year.


Many believe that a single language would suffice the world.


Having just one language would make travelling and communication much easier for everyone but rare languages have a lot to do with the culture of it's people.


... good point

You need to improve your grammar. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Some people think the role of women in military or police forces is relevant [6]


I can not understand the meaning of this sentence. Please rephrase it.


Some people believe that women have a key role to play in the military and police services, whilst others oppose this idea,


I agree with the idea that women are necessary in the military and police forces. ... Keep it simple.. :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: IMPACT OF INTERNET on LIFE [4]


Good start. But you need to bring out the idea clearly and powerfully.
The Internet can be regarded as one of the most important inventions in history, and it has changed the lives of everyone on the planet.


Nowadays, anything could be done online. Shopping, banking, you can even check out the news as it happens on the Internet. ...This sounds a little less formal but I think it would be more interesting to read.

I noticed that you use "the" in some inappropriate places. :(

Overall I like the essay. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Design of newly constructed buildings in big cities controlled by government [4]


The number of multi-storied buildings is increasing rapidly in cities due to the fast growing population of countries.


Governments should not interfere on newly constructed buildings as people have their own tastes when it comes to design and architecture.


For example, apartments or flats are essential in large cities and they are owned by many people.


This sentence is unclear to me..

You have a lot of good points. But you need to work on your grammar. Hope this helps. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - there is a great gap in between the living standards of the people of cities and villages [4]


The main reason for high standards of living in urbanized areas is the existence of a multi-cultural society.
I don't quite agree with this statement however. There are great cities that are not so multi cultured.


Also, an urban area comprises of good educational institutions, well developed communication facilities and very a good health care system which are instrumental in high class living.


Therefore, it is clear that there is a great gap between the living standards of cities and villages.

You need to focus on your grammar.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-visiting foreign countries, visitors take advantage of learning the culture [5]


People visit other countries for various reasons and they have the opportunity to learn about the cultures and traditions of these nations.


The above sentence is too long and confusing.. Kindly rephrase it.


People can easily learn about different cultures by participating in celebrations and cultural activities in foreign nations.

Your first paragraph is not very good. You need to focus more on presentation and grammar.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS ESSAY) effects of electronic games on children [4]


... Your sentence is too complex.. Let's simplify it.
Today, it is not an unfamiliar sight to see young children preferring computer games over conventional games.


rice??? I think you mean rise... and I think it would be better to use "advancements" rather than "changes"
The rapid advancement in technology have given rise to many amusement gadgets, mainly focused on gaming.


For example, some computer games are played in three dimensional environments, with high sound effects and life like picture quality. These features not only attract young children but also a certain percentage of young adults as well.


... good.


'... I think "hinders" would be more suitable than "hampers".


... very good point.

You have very good points. But they need to be presented in a better manner. Hope this helps. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Crime_nothing can be done to prevent it_Agree or disagree?To what extend? [4]


I think "crime rate" would be more suitable. :)


You have said "Crime is a big problem in the world" in the first sentence so it sounds a little odd when you say the same thing in the next one. I would say something like

Crime has become a big headache for most governments... or something like that... ;)


I'm not convinced that I understand what you are trying to say here.
The feeling of insecureness and grief of loosing something very valuable can become unbearable.

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Drop sports classes from school? [5]


The content of the academic syllabus is increasing everyday.


There are many people who would like to remove all forms of physical activity from schools to help children concentrate more on their studies.


I do not agree with this concept.


....????? I think you should rephrase this particular sentence.

Writing Feedback / RAPID ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT RESULTED HIGHER LIVING STANDARDS IN TOWNS, NOT IN VILLAGES [5]

Hmmm there are a few things you need to improve on. Language and grammar is important in writing an essay.

I do not think your first sentence is a very good one. The prompt asks why the living standards of villages haven't improved, but you are starting with by saying people are moving out of villages to come live in the city. There is a connection yes but that needs to come in the middle of your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Some ex-prisoners commit crimes after being released from the prison. Cause [6]


Some Ex-criminals continue to commit crimes even after being released from prison.


You need to break this sentence.
I think there are various reasons for them to keep committing crimes. This is a very serious issue which needs to be solved quickly.

I can see that you have some good points in your essay. But you have not presented them properly. Also you need to work on your grammar.

Essays / Help with an introduction for an essay on the stereotype that men shouldn't be nurses [5]

Hmmm I do not understand what " only men were considered "pure" enough to become nurses" means. Anyway I like your introduction, but sometimes it seems as if though you are talking with someone. Like when you have said "Well as I did my research" and "Now it is almost opposite!". But sometimes it makes the essay more interesting. lol. It depends on what the essay is for I guess.

Essays / SINGLE SEX VS CO-ED WHICH IS BETTER??? THESIS STATEMENT [5]

I have seen and been in both types of classes. In my personal opinion I think it all depends on the person. But if I look deep down I think in a co-ed class the probability of a student getting distracted is somewhat higher.

Undergraduate / Style of Studying; MPACT of my personal weakness on PA program [5]


This is a very important sentence because its the beginning of your essay. I feel as if this sentence is a little too long. Breaking it down would be a good idea.


Ummmm... I'm not sure I understand what you are trying to say here. :/

Undergraduate / I could not escape my twisted fate; RICHMOND APP; EXPERIENCE [10]

Hmmm... To be honest I can't find any grammar mistakes in your essay. And you use a lot of big words. My only problem was that you seem to be using too many big words in some sentences. I think I lost track of what you were trying to say in some sentences. Maybe you need to simplify your writing.

Essays / ACHIEVEMETNTS AMIDST TOUGH ENVIRONMENTS [16]


On the day of my birth, my grandmother, who passed away two years ago, had predicted that i will be a magnificent person in the future.


I was quick to alert the police and seeing my expression they did not hesitate to think twice. The robbers were caught quite easily.


Two years after my heroics, I moved to the United Kingdom. It was a completely different environment from what I have experienced so far.

You seemed to have done a lot in your life so far. I am sorry to hear about your cousins. :(

As for your essay it seems to be a good one. Maybe you need to work on your presentation a little bit.

Writing Feedback / iELTS Spending a lot on holding wedding celebrations are waste others are oppose [5]


This sentence seems incomplete. Let me help you...

On the other hand, some people spend lavishly just to show how rich and powerful they are. Their status and respect among st the community will be shown.


Hmmm... These lines need rephrasing.. Your idea does not come out nicely.