Essays / Opinion wanted about my literature thesis statement [5]

Travis, I believe you're on the right track.
I'm not so familiar with literature writing but knowing the background of what your aiming to write, you made the right statement.

I hope to see the entire thesis or at least the greater part of the essay in order to assist you further.
I don't have a doubt that you will be able to come up with a good thesis but of course fresh eyes for reference will not hurt.

Guidelines to follow can always be researched and here on EF we strive to provide constructive criticism to students and masters alike,
this are just a few reasons for you to rely on the views that EF contributors have.

I'm looking forward to your thesis here on EF.

By the way, what is it in literature that draw students in, I for one, is interested in this study, however I think it's a very deep study that for me is a little bit challenging, that explains why I didn't pursue this major.

Keep writing and good luck!

Scholarship / [Chevening Scholarship] From Zero to a Gradual Strive in Education Sector [4]

Dylan, reading through your essay, I have a question, did you take into account that you have word count restriction.
Maximum word count is 500 words, anyway, your essay is written like you are telling a story and you did what you want your essay to be, gradual flow of ideas and it has a very smooth transition.

However, going back to the prompt, it's asking for a detailed description of the universities that you have chosen in line with your academic goals and this information

is not on the prompt, you have not answered the prompt.

I suggest a few things, first, to review and do a healthy comparison on the essays of the other students here on EF, safe to say, do a little bit of research.

Next, make up an idea where you will be able to expand your thoughts in regards to the chosen universities where you aim to pursue your studies.

Lastly, exercise the same smooth flow of the essay you have right now, I'm not saying that you have to do an overall essay, just make sure that on your revised one you will be able to highlight what is asked of the prompt.

I hope to see the revised essay posted here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON: Tell us a story from your life... (Personal Statement Criticism) [4]

Elizabeth, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- And because I was used to taking care of my brother, I continued to do so without classifying it as a chore.

- being annoying;, she couldn't help it.,b ecause while growing up,
- she believed that excelling in school equatesto an easier life,
- so her concern overon my work was
- actually her way of ensuring my success.

- ButA lthough it took
- my growing apart from mymy relationship with my mom to arrive to this conclusion,
- Because now, I'm able to differentiate between
- AndA s a result, our relationship has grown stronger.

Elizabeth, your essay is full of words that are quiet unnecessary, I understand that you'd like to make sure that your essay is interesting enough to draw attention, however, you don't have to load your essay with this words. Your essay is written well, just a few remarks that may enhance your essay.

Undergraduate / "If you can't find happiness, then just create your own" - How I built my Happiness [4]

5th paragraph
- At the end of my Primary 4,
- my parents decided to move me to the school I'm currently in,from EQ Educare,
- sinceas they plan to send me to America.
- Due to this,T he colorful and exciting life I had soon became dull.

6th paragraph
- It made me think. If, if I can't join clubs, why not create them?
- I helped the debatersparticipants to hone their skills on preparation,

7th paragraph
- It was not until I became the Student Council President
- The colors that had left my life returned,I brought the color back into my life and I felt
- a bigger sense of satisfaction from this .

8th paragraph
- We can either choose to be sour, or just make some lemonade with it.
- If you can't find happiness, then just create your ownone .

Max, as what one of the books I read says, "life is a matter of choice", the moment you wake up, you have total power of your day and how it will turn out. Indeed, if you can't find happiness, create one.

Your essay ended very good, in the sense of the ideas that you put into the essay, however, the remarks I made is for you to delete unnecessary words that complicates the essay.

Undergraduate / Carleton first caught my attention, because of its size, location, and beautiful campus [5]

Anna, I'm afraid I have to agree with the other contributors, the essay doesn't correspond with the prompt.
To answer your question if this is a good essay to start, the answer is no, it's not.
Sad to say, the beginning of the essay doe not have any material that will lead you to the correct response to the essay.

Here are a few guidelines for you to come up with a better essay.
- what do you know about Carleton
- what are your academic background
- with this academic background what do you hope to take in Carleton
- what does Carleton have that sets it apart from the rest of the universities that you have seen
- in line with your personal goals, what can you contribute to the institution
- is there any ideas that you think will be beneficial to the institution

This are just a few guidelines that I think will help you come up with a better essay, I hope you follow through and post it here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / "If you can't find happiness, then just create your own" - How I built my Happiness [4]

Hi Max, I'd like to share my thoughts.

2nd paragraph
- medal to Julian Tan for his excellenceexcellent performance in tennis.

3rd paragraph
- Ever sinceFrom that day,
- I was raised up like a stereotypical Asian child;, I learnt the piano
- and I believed I could write and speak fluently.
- WithArmed with these talents of mine ,

4th paragraph
- I was coached by Julian Tan, my role-model .
- I was contented with my school life then .
- However, my life soon took a turn.

Max, this are my initial remarks on your essay.
I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / ApplyTexas Essay: Conflict in life [3]

- Then there's the ones who live a mixturemixed life .
- MaturingBeing a Mature individual meansis taking those feelings

- Emotional sadness doesn't describe how I felt, it was deeper .

- Also, I also reached out to my family.
- Being encouraged byThe encouragement from her made me so much happier.

- Sometimes life seems to not play in my favorbe unfair .
- Going through mythis darkness
- and finally seeing the light has showed me

Quiet a sad story you have there Mary, however, you know that there is always that light at the end of the tunnel as well as the rainbow after all the rainy days.

You did write this essay well, I'd like to remind you of the linking verbs, you seem to forget that you have them and you need them as part of your sentences, they may seem a few little characters but they definitely make a huge difference, they complete your sentence.

Undergraduate / UW Short Response. How would you contribute to this community? [3]

- I was born in Viet NamVietnam ( you are Vietnamese, so you should be able to write the name of your country very well ) ,
- butand soon I left Viet Namthe country to start High school
- and it also teachestaught me to
- have mutual respect towards other racesnationality. And, and having

- I come from a very different part of the world, soand I am excitedly

- Wrapping this up, withM y background and viewpoints

Danh, this are my thoughts on your essay. My only concern is that I don't see the essay to be strong enough, however, it's well written and what I suggest that you do to make your essay stronger is to write more about your capacity to contribute to the community, cite examples of volunteer work or any ideas that you have in mind that will help the community as a whole.

Undergraduate / Draw on your best qualities as a writer, thinker, visionary, social critic, sage, world citizen... [3]

Amani, I'd like to share my thoughts.

First of all, you did took a risk in writing this essay, you made sure that it will catch the attention of your readers, trigger questions and make your essay matter.

The essay is written well, quiet entertaining, risky, full of doubts, questions to be answered that only a specified observation will be able to answer or maybe not, maybe we just leave it to nature and for science to unfold itself, however, we ought to say no, we, as human being risk everything to get answers to questions that puzzle us, which is good and takes a lot of effort.

Now, if I were ask if you are a good writer, absolutely yes, you made sure that your readers are pinned on your article, you make sure that the readers are clipped to getting to know what your goals are, what your views of the matter is and what we can do to attain such goals.

Lastly, you made room for your readers to figure out what they could've done and what they can still do to make a small change everyday, because a small change is a change after all. No small thing should be left out, each single small effort is an effort and change will come with constant practice and cooperation.

I'm glad that I came across your essay and had read about it, it's just fascinating and entertaining altogether.

Undergraduate / I am the master of my body and mind, I am no longer a "spoiled single child" transition to adulthood [2]

Ying, I'd like to help out on the last three paragraphs of your essay.

- When my family en trusted me to plan the visit to Japan,
- I also read countless blogs of people
- AndA ll the preparation paid off,

- ButHowever, we were both amazed
- when showedwith your ability to be independent

- I am now ready to face the real society, aloneon my own .

Ying, indeed, your essay is written very well, it's entertaining, to start with, it also left a mark to readers that, hey, kids actually grow up, not only physically, more so, intellectually and emotionally, people grow and most importantly learn from life's experiences.

This is a very good read, good transition and very detailed description of events in life, for sure this happens to most of us but to read of one's experience and realization is another thing.

Letters / LETTER OF MOTIVATION FOR RWTH, AACHEN ADMISSION [8]

Prince, after reading your essay, I must agree that it's written quiet weak, it has the points that answers the prompt but other than that, it doesn't have the manifestation of a student or a person, ready to face a Master's Degree.

A Master's degree is given to individuals who have shown eagerness to continue their studies and expand their horizon on the specific field, I just don't see this in your essay, I suggest you re-write it, not necessarily to completely do a new essay but to figure out which sentences should go in the essay and which ones will not.

Create that intense nature in you in continuing this study to a Master's Degree and let this manifest in you essay.

Also, you are the one who needs the schools guidance to lead you in attaining your degree so you have to show them what you can do, what you can give to the institution and to the community as a whole. You should be able to attest your dedication to the study, more so, to the society you will be spending time with for a few years. This are just a few information you need to add in your essay in order to make a stronger essay.

Nevertheless, you are in the right path and all of you have to do is refine your essay, I wish to see the revised essay posted here on EF so we can help you further.

Graduate / PTCAS personal statement that include response to APTA statement. [4]

Now the last two paragraphs of your essay.

- care is even lacking forscarce especially for the group
-Taking example inM y community for example ,
- is one of the most populated ethnics group in San Diego(you have already established the location ) ,
- but there are only 5 out of 843 physical therapiestherapist in San
- Diego who are Vietnamese.
- It's because the culture they inherited have taught them to visit the doctor only when they get sick.
- OrI t could be because they are
- too busy making a living, and taking their
- And( starting your sentence with the word "and" is not advisable ) I understand
- But I want to change that., I want to be the bridge...

- I haveI'd like to pursue physical
- therapy career since I started on my career path, and not even once

There you have it Phu, as you can see there are still a few remarks made in the essay and I hope it enhanced the essay.

For future reference, you have to avoid using negative words such as "but" and also, avoid using the word "and" at the beginning of your sentence.

Graduate / PTCAS personal statement that include response to APTA statement. [4]

Phu, I'd like to share my thoughts, one paragraph at a time.

- ButHowever, one day,he did not return
- has been moved to the other end of the hall, and

- The story was a one inof many reasons
- I am a believer, that not only I enof the joy in helping
- people recovering from their illness, butand also I shared
- I believe to the extend that not onlyW e should focus on the patients movement
- while in recovering path, but also they areand even more important in daily life,

- I want to place an emphasis on the importance
- of being active. Andand by optimizing movement,
- we're not only maintaining a healthy physical body,
- The s ociety also gets benefit,
- as preventive health means less treatment cost. L, l ike dentist
- for oral health or family doctor for general illnesses ,
- as someone they will consult in first tier for theirtowards healthy lifestyles.

Phu, this are my initial remarks, as you can see there is quite a lot of remarks, I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / Shooting monkeys or saving food - Common App [3]

Hi Avishka, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- Carefully heHe would carefullywould place a pebble between
- That was most likely not the case;, however, I could not

-As I watched the gold envelopedpolished elephants

- can associate and come to fruitiona creation of useful idea .

Well, different culture, different ways of doing things. This has been proven many years ago and the only thing we can do as the people of this generation, is to learn how to blend them in and make them useful in our daily lives.

Avishka, your essay is both entertaining and well written, a few remarks were made and overall, it has a smooth flow, the transition is very good and the it has a streamlined idea that made the essay worth reading. Practice writing more with the same focus and smooth transition.

Undergraduate / How will you explore your intellectual and academic interests at the University of Pennsylvania? [4]

- which couldthat will lead to amazing research opportunities.
- At Penn, I fully intend to take my academic interests

- I plan towill continue on developing my
- my previous interest in the topicmatter .

John, the essay you wrote seems pretty strong, I just have a few remarks as you can see above.
I made sure that the remarks will not affect your essay whilst enhance it.

For future reference, always use first person contact on your sentences.
This is to ensure that the article is speaking directly on the narrative.
I wish you the best of luck and let us know what happen, we'd love to hear from you.

Graduate / Good medical care should transcends the barriers of money and profit - UIC ESSAY - to be a doctor [3]

Arjun, I know coming up with a decision to become a doctor took a while, reason I say this is because, as a doctor you will be on the clock 24/7, the lives of the patient is in your hand and of course, God forbid, if you loose any of your patient, the blame is in your hands too. Having said that, I SALUTE YOU, for taking this act of bravery and service to the community.

Now, before we get carried away to the future, let me share my thoughts on your essay.

- patient but is also lot about the art of healing.
- medical care but also in helping patients

- The disease took a serious toll on her.

- After a few weeks it seemed that my grandmother developed
- In doing so, he would constantly boost
- After a few days ,

- Not stopping at thatWith utmost spirit, I decided to get

There you have it Arjun, not much corrections to be done, I believe your essay is written pretty good.
For future reference, just make sure that you add linking verbs to your sentences, you seem to have forgotten they existed.

Graduate / Essay for WUSTL (In an essay of no more than 500 words, introduce yourself) [8]

Meng, if I were to choose between essays, I prefer the second essay.
Here are my thoughts.

Essay II:
- I began my business school life
- withby taking a major in management
- however, withas time goes by,
- The Wall Street elites fully applied their wisdomsknowledge trying
- TheThis scene and the curiosity of who
- AndM y curiosity and passion

- ByIn learning programing
- Just upon my graduation this May came and it's graduation , I took the CFA level I exam,
- which I willwhere I pass by the end of
- I finally decided that this was the areastudy that I wanted to

There you have it Meng, I believe the only thing that triggered your decision making on choosing form the essays you've made is that you are indecisive by nature, you tend to have the "but's" and the "what if's" in your thoughts, try to develop the skill of decision making and not just that, it should be strong decision making. This skill will help you come up with better things in life. Going back to your essay, as you can see I made a few corrections, I hope they help and I wish you the best of luck.

Undergraduate / TRANSFERRING HIGHSCHOOL, solving problems mainly through a trial and error. [3]

Michael, first of all, it's good that you already have a topic, regardless of how broad it is, it's still a good way to start an essay.

One thing that you have to take note of is the idea of the topic, you should be able to mainstream your thoughts to be able to come up with a concrete essay.

I'd like to share my thoughts on your work.

- from one society fromto the another.
- Attending a K orean school for
- There were many farewells I had to make and manya lot of hellos to makebe made .

- It was hard to fit in a specific "group."( on this part keep your quotation marks inside the sentence and then you add the period)

- I always had a tinthint of the other culture.
- Because of this,W hile others were enjoying
- A lost boy stranded i n a vast sea.

- Day one, silence. Day two, silence again.Days passed and I was just like a wall flower, it was not a piece of cake.
- As a reticent K orean school boy,
- This school has changed me for my life.
- As the yY ears past,and I became more confident
- in my speechcommunication skills and grown
- to behave a better at social relations with others.
- Now, in class, I am ambitious,

There you have it Michael, you see, nothing is difficult to a person who is never afraid to try new things. Almost a year ago, I also didn't think that I would be able to be of service to students like you, but with constant research and the determination to pursue my passion in teaching and communicating to people all over the world, here I am, letting you know my thoughts and giving you just enough advice to create a powerful essay.

Practice writing more and oh, for future reference, whenever you write a name of a country or ethnicity, like "Korean", make sure that the first letter is capitalized.

Scholarship / Motivational letter for DAAD Scholarship, Ukraine - right investment for my future life and career. [4]

Oleksandr, I read your essay and believe me it's very long. Before anything else, I'd like to suggest that you take time to learn the following;

- what is a motivational letter
- what are the contents of a motivational letter
- how do you address a motivational letter

The guidelines above are just the initial ones that you have to abide in order to come up with a strong motivational letter. It's true that your letter is long but this doesn't mean that you have to re- write the whole letter, you just have to know the facts on writing such a letter.

Now, a motivation letter is as follows;

- what motivated you to apply for the DAAD Scholarship
- do not write the story of your life, a little background about your family, finances, hobby and more on your academic life
- write more about your future academic goals

Now, ask yourself, do you deserve this scholarship, of course you do.
Write about your participation both to your school and to the society and how will you incorporate this in the school in Germany or in the community where you will be relocating.

I wish to see a revised essay here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / A passion for volleybal - Columbia Supplemental essay [7]

Valerie, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- Volleyball has always been my passion sincefor as long as I can remember.
- proud of, buthowever, what I have

- adrenaline that I need after I have been studying for a test.
- After playing, my body mightmay be tired,

- To me, all of this makes volleyball is much more than mya hobby.

I made a few corrections on your essay, I hope it helps.
What I notice is your direct response to the prompt, this is a very good trait of a writer specially because you have a prompt to answer.

Some writers would add a lot of sentences which may be confusing to the reader or can mislead the direction of the essay, being direct will avoid confusion, this also gives you more space to write an essay in response to the prompt.

Good luck and keep writing.

Undergraduate / The Socks and Uniform - VA Quirks Essay [5]

dBres, the first essay is definitely quirky. I had fun reading it. It was worth my time of de- stressing from a serious essay and some research paper.

It's good to read some light writing pieces you know!, any way, let me help you out with this second essay.

- watch as I transform it into transparent matter.

- If encountered with a suspensefulthrilling situation, or whenever
- LastlyMore so , if I am happy,
- my hands is essential to my identity.

What can I say, we all have other ways of expressing ourselves, one way or another it does help us go through something and enjoy life the way we want to.

dBres, as you can see, this essay doesn't have that much corrections to be done, it's written pretty well, the only thing that I believe needs a little bit of work is the logical order and the structure of the essay as a whole, reason being, as I was reading you somehow lost me in the middle and picked up at the last part of the essay. The idea of the essay should be evident through out the essay.

I hope my remarks helped!

Scholarship / How to be future leaders or influencers in you Home Country [2]

Mohammad, I read through your essay and honestly, it needs a lot of work, as I advised all other students to compare and read other students work to get insights on this scholarship, I suggest you do the same. Chevening scholarship is a sought after scholarship grant simply because of the enormous educational privilege they provide to the awardees. Now, do you think you deserve it?, yes you do!!!, and all you have to do is to give the reason that you deserve it.

I'd like to take your essay one prompt at at time.

LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE QUESTION

A country which backward for 50 years of internal wars and conflicts would be forced to huge problems in organization and business system this situation pushed me to think about promoting change in the business system.

(the phrase above has no relation at all to the prompt, I suggest deleting it and write a new one )

- I was one of the few employers to become first in my jobemployees who finish the task with IRD Inc first .
- I hoped to complete all projects on expected timelinedeadline .
- I lead the situation to attract among the people
- and the company
- and I feel responsible of mythe duties
- that are fullyto be performed.
- taking responsibility to work here and build the confidence.
- This truly brings up more projects approval and benefit to the areathe people in the area .
- I am compassionate to study and would like to be asI'd like to be a good leader in the future;.
- the reason for taking the job is that I really love to work in my passion.(this phrase is unnecessary )
- As a leader in an organizational level I am
- farsighted( what exactly do you mean by the word "farsighted ") and administrator,

Mohammad as you can see, there's a lot of question marks in your essay, it was not clear to me as an editor what more to the admission staff, they will just blow your application off and believe me you still have a lot of things to work on. I made a direct correction on your essay to make sure that you see the structure and the difference from your original essay, I hope it helps!

I'll get back to you for the rest of the paper.

Undergraduate / My Response for Gtown Essay on activities [4]

- Since early childhood, I have loved sports.
- The chance to be able to enjoy sports with different teams is a joy to my life. The experience in Africa...
- Coming to Xavier from Kenya was an exciting
- but alsoan anxiety provoking experience.
- and overwhelmed in the first few days.
- I had previously never been on a train much less an underground train.
- As an orphan adult , contact can be
- I knew if America was going to work for me( I don't see the logic of this phrase on your sentence)
- I needed to make friends and nowhere had I made more friends tha n on the playing fields.

- Within the firstA few weeks on and I had connected
- more to being on a team tha n just the game itself.

Andy, as you can see there's a lot to work on in your essay, it's going in all direction there's not one line that is aimed at the prompt.

I made a few remarks and sentence input to enhance your essay and direct it to the point where it should be.
For future writing reference, review your prompt, create an idea or thought and once you've come up with a clear thought, that's when you start writing.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: The Morning of Foamy Tears [6]

JP, I agree with the other EF contributors, you are one writer with great humor and take on entertaining your readers.
You made sure that your readers will have a great time reading your essay and leave them with a smile.

Now, this particular phrase is ok, it just needs a little amp.

- certain step towards destroyingovercoming this fear,
- though, and today,( this words are unnecessary )
- I can proudly say that I make every effort
- to overcomeresolve the hurdles life throws in my way.

You see the remarks above, the phrase just needs a few word modifications and a little bit of omitting words that are unnecessary.

I hope the corrections help and I wish you good luck.

Oh, by the way, for future writing reference, don't forget to include the prompt, it greatly helps the editor is we know what prompt are we answering or if there's any guidelines that the prompt is asking in order to come up with an enhanced essay to suit the task.

Scholarship / United World Colleges (UWC) Application Essay [4]

- This is precisely how
- UWCers I feelknow it is a place
- short courses and articles; and even further
- hearing about it from the alumni I have met,
- As soon as I discovered UWC,I knew( you have used this words too many times in the essay, you have established the facts of choosing UWC as your university of choice, so this will not be necessary )

- and I know it would be ana conducive environment I would flourish in.
- I want to learn from others and share with others and I know UWC will
- giveprovide me with the tools to prosperneeded materials to work on and - to create a positive impact onto the world.
- I often do not receive in the Cayman Islands
- and I'm not able to live by the UWC mission sinceas I'm not
- encircled byaround people who are passionate

Derricka, I made a few remarks as you can see above. I stopped on the first paragraph, reason being, I feel like the essay is not that strong to be an application essay. I believe it's more of a pushing it forward essay which is somehow not appropriate, you wrote an essay that appeal to be showing you eagerness to be admitted to UWC and I believe you worked hard in coming up with this essay but it lacks a relaxed mood, your pushing too hard to get in that you miss the point that you are applying to a university that will be your home for a few years. Keep a relaxed mood in your essay, keep it light, keep it real, don't push it too much.

I hope my remarks help and I hope to see your revised essay here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / Brief Abroad Application paragraph. What do you hope to achieve academically & personally? [4]

Well Kate, I'd like to share my thoughts in the dilemma that you're going through.
You remember the lesson on word synonyms, this lesson can actually work.
Not sounding to obvious on your academic and ultimate goals, you can make use of words that are not normally seen on a typical essay,

as much as I want you to use conversational and up-to-level English words, it will help if you use some words that are new to the reading public.

See what the other EF contributors have suggested, they help a lot too.

Also, it's good that you worry about what the admissions staff would say about your essay, this means you re serious on your craft and you aim for nothing but the best, this also makes me think that you don't want to waste anybody's time contemplating on your essay. The best thing to do now is to re-write your essay with the suggested words above, proof read it for the last time before giving it a go.

Should all else fail, your admission officer will definitely give you feedback on your essay and looking at it, you have a good shot.
Let loose, don't stress too much! For all you know, you have followed the basic foundation of the English language, grammar rules and word use and choice. Good Luck.

Undergraduate / Pursue a career in medicine after witnessing woman go into full cardiac arrest - Personal Statement [3]

Grace, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

1st paragraph
- It felt as if all time had stopped.
- Breaking the silence, a man shouted from amid the crowd to

- Never would I have imagined that, that day would
- It's one of the worst feelings,- standing there,
- However, at the same time,( you choose which of the phrase to use because they have the same meaning) I remember the man who saved her life.

- where I can devote my life to thein aid of others.

- of the state and the country as a whole ,
- I feelfelt very passionately about the well-being of others.
- Although I did not possess the ability to aid the people medically,
- My strengths in math and science,
- I will no longer feel scared or helpless, rather and qualified and accountable.

Grace, your essay is written with a good flow and structure, this is what I loved about it. You went from telling a story that led you to seek a passion and eventually influenced your path towards a lifelong career. Decisions like this doesn't come easy but you have a solid background, all you have to gather now is pertinent and hands on experience.

I hope to see more articles and for future writing reference, avoid phrases that may mislead your facts or the path that your article is going to.

Undergraduate / Who you are? The general picture of what you represent - UC Personal Statement #2 [6]

@Kingkon18, this is for the final paragraph.

- me to work that much harder and show him
- My personality now is now based on
- those six tenets that I developed through my 8.5eight and a half ( I suggest using words rather than numbers to create a uniform writing format, numbers can be used when analyzing some graphs) year journey,

- because( the word "because" is quiet weak for your essay ) I will
- tackle thosechallenges with the same resolve
- as the obstacles I faced before and during my second degree black belt test.in the years to come.

There you have it, this is the final remarks. I must say, you can take some parts of this Taekwondo experience and incorporate it on your next prompt them add more information of other experiences that you may have that you think will help you application or any aspect in your life that you want to share that will make your application stand out.

I hope my remarks help.

Undergraduate / Common App/ Challenged A Belief/ "If my child was gay, then I would put them up for adoption." [7]

Kerry, the revision of your essay is so much better.
However, I have a few remarks that can hopefully enhance your paper before submission.

- But then again, what didcan I expect?

- My teacher taught us beyond
- I will make the same decision again because I'm proud of how I proved myself that day.
- I will be unbiased and fair in dealing with life situations in life .

There you have it Kerry, as I mentioned the revision was written very well and your essay should be good to go,
for future reference though, I suggest that you keep a formal essay format when writing an essay and not a comic or conversational type as above, I'm not saying that you do the same on this essay, however when writing an essay, a formal format is advisable.

I wish to see more of you writing materials here on EF.

Undergraduate / Who you are? The general picture of what you represent - UC Personal Statement #2 [6]

Hi @kingkon18, I read through your essay and I find it personal enough to stand and justify what the prompt asked you to write, however, submitting the same essay will not be appreciated by the admissions staff, what you can do though is contemplate on your personal essay, enhance it and review the second prompt then work on your essay base on the prompt.

Now, I'd like to enhance this essay, we'll take it one paragraph at a time.

1st paragraph

- When I was 6 years old, my parents forcedencouraged me to join
- However, as theY ears passed by and I matured,

2nd paragraph

- I set my goal for 95 lbs;, the difficulty of
- India for 3 weeks to visit my family.
- I've ever had in my life;,the hundreds of kicks,
- punches,( when a word is followed by "and", a comma is not necessary ) and other

This are my remarks for the first two paragraphs, I'll get back to you for the last and final one.

Essays / Need a thesis for debate on software application use [4]

Tisha, first of all you are already determined that this is the path of the thesis paper that you're going for so you have to be ready for hours and hours of research to make this thesis onto paper, do not limit yourself on the internet, read some papers too, latest issues on current software and technological breakthroughs, they might have some valuable information that can support your thesis or at least support the thesis in other ways.

Also, you have to make sure that you have covered the basics of thesis writing.

- gather your facts
- keep your figures, data and analysis true to the facts gathered
- expand your search
- keep an open idea to configure your study
- cite examples
- be objective
- keep a good flow of your writing article into your much needed conclusion of the subject
- add your personal thoughts on the subject at hand

Lastly, conclude by citing facts on the thesis and how it can affect the community or yourself to start with.
I hope to see your thesis here on EF so we can assist you further.

Scholarship / My main idea about leadership is to make a new challenge - an Essay for Chevening Scholarship [3]

- belief that a challenged spirit is
- whothat influences on others
- but also the improvement of the group they involved inas a whole .

- For the first example of my challenges, before the end of myIn middle school,
- I decided to go to a famous high school in a big city
- new people in a very strange place.
- After I enrolled in the high school and studied well there ,
- It showed obviously that my challenge
- and the outcome made

- not easy to study forlearn , at least, two years for the exam.
- To tell the truthHonestly , I also was also worried
- Thus, I demonstrated to overcome a challenge that I was able to overcome
- with our own best by making myand made successful results.
- who consider of CPA.
- find job opportunity but also to make our ownenhance professionalism.
- Thus,As a result mostsome of them work as CPA
- in accounting firms and appreciated my helps to relive thein relieving uncertainty.

- In conclusion, I have shown thea strong decision making skills for
- my future such as the experiences above.
- At thisthe moment,
- I hope to find a new challenge which canwill make me a realbetter
- I don't want to stay with my stable position to lose awould like to explore great opportunity. Iopportunities and continue to challenge for what I've never experienced beforemyself .

There you have it Kwan, as you can see there's quiet a lot of corrections made on the essay, I believe you have made your research on the Cheapening Scholarship and now that the competition for this scholarship is extremely high, there are several students here on EF who are applying for the same scholarship so I suggest that you take time to read them so you can get some advice and essay differentiation, this will also give you a heads up on what to expect out of this application.

Overall, the essay needs improvement, this are just my suggestions and if you have anything else to add such as other leadership experience it will definitely help.

Undergraduate / Being the future successor of Herry Group, I was always the envy of others. [2]

Hi Ang, I'd like to share my thoughts with your essay.

- After a few months,( avoid using time detail if there's no logic support perviously stated in the essay )
- love with each other andthat I ran out of mythe "mansion"( on the word "mansion", no need to use the quotation marks unless you want to denote a different meaning or stress the word ) a few times just to see his face.

- "There's a few cars racing overafter us",

- When I was awakewoke up ,
- I asked my dad where were Martin is and

Well, sad story but very thrilling, suspense articles like this can definitely draw the readers to your article, it keeps the readers to wonder and ask, what happen, what's next and what is the ultimate ending. Your writing skills is very good, I suggest you write more and keep the suspense nature of the articles, it's stunning!

Undergraduate / TAMU ESSAY TOPIC B - a setting in which you have collaborated or interacted with people [5]

- since the time ofduring elementary school
- I've always heard the phrase
- AnMy older sister-,s omebody
- Having said that,A fter hearing those
- words from my sister it only later motivated me
- into only doingto do things that
- would onlywill lead me
- I knew that in my heart,and every fiber in my body( we delete this phrase as it's unnecessary, you're pushing it too hard

- someone that will/and can succeed
- as a first generation and show to my parents
- and prove to my fellow peers as well as my sister but more to myself
- and I shallwill not stop until I do so.

Michelle, it's not a very good environment that your own family takes you as it is, however, always look at the bright side, be optimistic and make sure that you don't hold a grudge on your sister, she has her own reasons and she's a family.

Now, I did a few enhancements on your essay, I hope it helps.

Graduate / The introductory lesson in Mathematics. Statement of Purpose for Barcelona GSE - Master in Economics [3]

Viktor, I'll tackle your essay per paragraph so we will have a better focus of your essay.

- My first day as an undergraduate student of Economics was very crucial to my life.
- charismatic speech which especially attractedthat captured my attention.
- InAt that moment I discovered my dream profession

- For the following two years I read manya lot of economics
- books in order to learn more about the science.
- However, eventually I eventually found out
- More importantly, at the same time I got an internship
- There, uU nder the academic mentorship of academic
- but on a different project.
- Now I combine econometrics with

- In the future, myMy future interest is to focus
- Therefore, with the master studies in Economics I not only aim to upgrade
- them to other markets, such as the financial market . ( you don't have to state the obvious, at this point the reader already established the fact that we are referring to financial market )

- Furthermore, I want to approach a market modeling multidisciplinary modeling
- Their indicator is one of the best predictorsforecast of economic

Viktor, this is my initial remarks, I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / Cornell CALS Supplemental Essay- ED Environmental Science & Sustainability Major [3]

Duncan, I first did a quick read of your essay and found a few sentences on the 3rd paragraph that can be deleted, this will help your word count and I also made sure that deleting this sentences will not affect the message that you'd like to send in your essay.

3rd paragraph
- The accumulation ofM y experiences
- over the past four years has cemented my interest in sustainability by affording me the opportunity toEnvironmental Science and directly apply my knowledge.
- Experiencing the inner workingsworks of a social business

This is just very minor suggestion Duncan, I believe that you have responded to the prompt properly, the only thing that you have to be careful of is writing with a direct translation of what you are thinking, you have to make sure that the sentences is ideal, focused on the goals of your essay and of course it should create a good flow and sentence structure.

Overall, it's a good essay and I wish you good luck.

Undergraduate / The flight lessons to become a pilot - common app with the convenience prompt [6]

John, your essay is quiet amazing to read, taking up flying lessons knowing all your phobia is such a courageous act, yet you conquered it and made known that you can will do whatever it takes to push for things that matters most to you and for your future goals.

This story is also good as a response to the prompt, it's fresh, it's quirky, I mean you will have fun reading it.

Incorporating a real life journey is always a good piece to read and worth your time.

Going to a more integrated aspect of your essay, the prompt asked for a side of your life that you will not be able to complete the essay without and I believe you did suffice what is asked. However, I'd like to suggest that you give the admission staff some information that could connect your flying activities to goals that you will pursue later on in life. Remember, academic gain is the utmost goal in writing this essay.

Overall, I believe that your essay is written well, just make sure that you include a few more sentences on the part were you are gearing towards your goal of being a pilot.

I hope this suggestions help, Captain!

Undergraduate / Habit of Eating Local Food Shaped My Attitude Towards Life - Prompt 1 Common App [13]

Jeremy, I'd like to help so I spent some time reading your essay and proof reading proved that there is a huge difference from the initial essay to the revised one, which is very good, this means you deal with constructive criticism very well.

Now, I'd like to focus on the last paragraph of the essay as this part should be as strong as the introduction and the overall angle of the essay.

Here it is;

- affected my outlook onin all other aspects of my life.
- my education rather than expensive foods , cars or clothes.
- than the expensive crème brulee, sinceas it gives equivalent
- amount of satisfaction withfor a lower price.
- Even if later in life I becomeSooner or later I will be successful, suchand this humbling habit
- will ensure that myremain my humble outlook upon life shall remain the same .

There you have it Jeremy, I hope the corrections I made helped!

Scholarship / Study in UK question for scholarship. [3]

Sunika, the first paragraph of your essay is confusing, I'm not sure how to incorporate it in order to create a smooth flow of the essay. I'm not saying that you have to entirely delete the first paragraph but I need you to make sure that the transition of the paragraphs are smooth and is related to the goal of the essay.

Now let's go ahead and tackle the succeeding paragraphs;

2nd paragraph
- I want to obtain my Master's degree
- firstly , the universities

3rd paragraph
- obtaining a degree from the University of London would be an assetis an absolute honor .

- Additionally,T he course provides

- most prestigious universities in Europe.
- Computer lab classes will intensify my technical skills.
- provide me with the right skills
- will boost my confidence whereupon I can start research

Sunika, the rest of the paragraphs are good and aside from the remarks made above, I hope you will be able to come up with a stronger essay.

Graduate / Letter of Intent for Admissions to Masters of Public Health - how this program fits to my goals? [5]

Ceekay, what I noticed with your letter is the length. Letter of intent is usually written to give the university a sneak peak of what you can do, who you are and what your goals are. This letter showcases what you are aiming for but not as detailed as you have in your letter, it's like a CV only written in a formal letter form.

First paragraph which is your introduction is written well, you have firmly stated what your intentions are and what your goals are that strongly supported your application, this continued onto the 2nd paragraph, however, the 3rd paragraph can be tweaked or removed altogether. I'm not saying that they will not be needed but you can save some information for the following essays with regards to your application, remember some applications will require you not to repeat any information that you have submitted from your pervious essays.

Last and final paragraph, I must say that it's a good closing paragraph but too much information, again, some information might be needed for the next essays. Keep your letter to what it is really meant for, your intention to express your admission to the university in order to achieve your goals and further your knowledge in the specified field.

I hope to see a revised essay and I hope my remarks helped.