Graduate / 'political and socioeconomic struggle' - Master's of Public Health Application Essay [2]

The outdated diagnostic equipment and treatment methods were in stark contrast to the more advanced standards of Western civilization.

According to the WHO,---the WHO? You should tell what this means, as I thought it was song lyrics you were quoting! :)

The MPH Focus Area of Animals, People and the Environment offers coursework that is precisely on the path I want to follow for my career. ---It isn't necessary, but I think it would be cool if you mentioned a couple specific classes.

This unique program will emphasize my passion ---I don't think this is the right thing to say here, it just sounds um, sort of funny.

for the human-animal relationship and the health and well-being of both entities.

Scholarship / "the enchanting world of literature" - subjects you excel in [4]

... and always reluctant to set them down, especially when something exciting is just about to occur.

My great enthusiasm for books would most likely be the most plausible reason as to why I perform exceedingly well in my English and Theatre courses.

It doesn't have to end up at an exact amount with the perfect numbers and decimals in the perfect places.

The thing about literature is that the author never directly says things, leaving it to the audience to interpret it however they please.

...but can never truly make me believe that I am incorrect. My writing contains my opinions and creativity. I am able to put into writing all the things frolicking about in my head and create something beautiful with it them. ---Ha ha, I like that... frolicking about in my head.

...my strong desire as a child(and even as young adult) for story telling would ----This is just an idea for you. Some details are perfectly valid things to say, but they are not really useful enough to justify allowing them to take up space in the essay.

I like your theme!

Graduate / "Master program in International Finance" - Motivation Letter help [3]

In the August of 2010, I graduated from the university and since then, I've been working as an assistant supervisor...

My interest in finance started when I was in High School because of my uncle. ---This sentence seems incomplete.

... in Turkey, I haven't applied at any universities...

... communication, and one month internship in different departments of the bank to see how the things work.

The high standards of living in Amsterdam and the fact that Amsterdam is one of the world's leading financial centers are the two of the many reasons of why I would like to study and live in Amsterdam.

Good luck in school and have fun!!

:)

Scholarship / "will be like an adventure to me" - Study abroad scholarship essay, to spain [8]

Going to Spain would complete one of my goals which is a desire ---A desire isn't the same as a goal, and desire should not be a goal in this case. :)

I love the fact that when I live in Spain I will be able to learn and live the Spaniard's culture, like their language, food, life style, music, history and much more.

I know that studying abroad in Spain will give me more advantages in my degree since Spain is a country where there is a lot of art ---This sounds a tad juvenile, but rewording it slightly will fix it right up. I'm pretty sure that Spain also has some of the oldest castles in the world too.

... new people and strive for new things I would like to familiarize myself with new environments and people on my own.

Knowing the fact that I will be staying at a family's home will help me build more confidence...

Undergraduate / GWU Essay - Diversity, International City - What attracted you to the university [2]

It was apparent that these women were not given any psychological aid, and it was at that moment that I knew that I wanted to become a certified clinical psychologist and that I wanted to work for a non-governmental organization such as Doctors without Borders or International Medical Corps.---This would be much better if you break this long sentence into two.

In order to pursue these plans of mine, I knew I had to attend a university that would not only have the resources to further my education, but would also be placed in a city that would provide services that would benefit me.

I have always known that I would study in...

I like being able to find my way around a city without going into completely unknown territory while still living in a metropolitan area. ---If you read this sentence aloud, you'll see why it sounds a little funny. :)

Coming from an international school and being a part of a diverse community is very important to me.

Book Reports / AP Literature and Composition Paper: "Thoughtful Laughter", Pride and Prejudice [2]

Elizabeth overhears his comment and is surprisingly, not angered.

Both characters make incorrect judgments about the other because they believe their pride and prejudice blind them ...Do THEY believe this, or is it conveyed in the story? I don't know the story, but it sounds odd. :)

This brings forth "thoughtful laughter" on the part of the readers because they know the characters are mistaken in their judgments .

After the events at Netherfield, Mr. Wickham misleads Elizabeth to make her believe that Mr. Darcy and his family ruined Mr. Wickham's social standing.

Only after Elizabeth receives Mr. Darcy's letter does she begin to understand that she has erred.

Elizabeth begins to see her mistake conncerning Mr. Darcy's character.

She contemplates about her mistake during a walk...

The true meaning of "thoughtful laughter" is different because it does not come from an "external manifestation" but rather a way to express idea through humor.---and also irony!

I think you did a fine job with your essay, and it was a good idea to explain 'thoughtful laughter' again at the end. Hope all goes well for you with it!

Undergraduate / (a prestigious, four-year college) + Frankenstein + to study art + sassy - Occidental [2]

I have applied to many beautiful and academically rigorous colleges, and so far Occidental stands out to me the best for several reasons.

... where I would be able to receive the attention I need as a student from faculty because of the small class sizes.

--------------

The way the monster was alienated by society for reasons outside of his control reminded me...

I quickly learned how to defend myself against my adversaries with humor, for no one could have made fun of me if I did first,...

...of giving up on life because I was able to become happy with who I am and build relationships.

----------------

I have always been intellectually curious and as a result have always had different ideas as to what it is I want to do in life with my life.---Maybe it's just a pet peeve of mine, but in the past year, I've read the words 'in life' like a million times, and it usually doesn't mean anything, for EVERYTHING we do is in life! (Sorry, just had to vent a bit)

Sarcasm has also been referred to as the language of the weak...

I guess I would just prefer to be the sarcastic but sensible type instead of the hypocritical, pious type.---nice!

Undergraduate / "Rigorous reasoning, scientific observation and experiment" - Amherst essay [2]

Rather, such an understanding requires an intuition and insight, which can only be gained through experience and a love for people.

The scientific method has always intrigued me; the process of developing an idea or insight and testing it has ...

In these primitive scientific pursuits, I realized that people are not be bound by science.

An intangible and inexplicable intuition or insight is needed.

Professor Jagannathan said that in mathematics, the order of the virtues of rigor and insight are reversed. ---I like how you stated this simply, this far into your essay.

... this everlasting quest for humanization will always be at the forefront of my pursuits. in life.

I want my acquisition of human insight to be an experience, not an experiment, and the first step in this is to gain knowledge...

:)

Research Papers / Tactile/Kinesthetic Learner - Learning Styles [3]

Here are a few mistakes I found, some are just me being picky;

There are three different types of basic learning styles, but before we go any further lets stop right here for a minute.

This definition suggests that not only do these ...

If you give them directions in a text format the visual learner wont pick them up as quick as they would if there

Additionally, we also discuss the pros and cons of being an Active...

Now we know that the active learner is a more of doer who would rather take action and learn something, or find a solution to a problem.

To the active learner this is much easier and more effective than sitting around thinking of, or planning different courses of action.

One in particular is that they usually remember what they do.

However just like anything in life that has pros, there are also cons to the Tactile/Kinesthetic Learning Style.

This can cause the active learner to seem disruptive or hyperactive; because most...

Additionally, active learners are often viewed as dis organized or unprepared due to lack of future planning.

I learned that I'm an active learner! Good luck in school and have fun!
:)

Undergraduate / the Petroleum Program at University of Technology in Vietnam, ESSAY FOR TRANSFER [3]

...

People who expect to go abroad , have to study English for a long time .---Don't leave a space between the word and the comma or period.

For me , however , learning English is a huge challenge that I had never met after getting into the Petroleum Program at University of Technology in Vietnam . And It has been beinghaving a great impact on my life and career in the future .

...I worried about myself because I knew that I studied French in high school and have never studied English before .

The transition came sooner than I thought ...

Over the year , thanks to being well disciplined, ...

Transferring to Texas Tech University is a better way in which I can meet many more new opportunities...

Although I have yet to receive any objective effect, I have a lot of experience in my life and am more mature.

I never regret the way I chose . I always expect to be better in the future. I do believe that becoming a student at Texas Tech U niversity is a...

Your essay will show them how great your English is now, also that you're a mature and serious student. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Exploring what Penn has to offer to a Puertorican (biology/photography) [3]

The location has always been an important factor in my college search because it would influence how I felt and fitted a university.

Learning and understanding the diversity that exists on our planet through the study of...

The Department of Biology offers research programs that enable undergraduate students to understand the process of acquiring new knowledge and gives them unique experiences that will enhance their majors.

I have never done any formal research before,...I think you should say you're looking forward to it, but not that you've never done it.

ACAMP will enable me to reach out to communities where kids do not have as many opportunities as I did, and by tutoring...

My greatest academic interest definitely is biology, but photography takes a big part of my time.

Photography is one of my favorite hobbies and a passion I desire to keep practicing during the four years of college.

. One of my life goals is to end up being a complete ...

Research Papers / HRM: what is the best topic to make a research project? [5]

Hello! Changes in the modern world make a lot of new topics important. For example, outsourcing and offshoring of labor are important topics. Also, employee development, sustainability, and internationalization are all good topics.

But I think you are making a mistake if you just choose a topic and begin to work. The good thing to do is think about what YOU want to do, and what you want to specialize in as a hrm professional. Read 5 articles right now, and tell me what interests you most. Read the literature reviews in journal articles about hrm, and see what topic makes you excited about reading.

:-)

Undergraduate / "where world leaders are not fighting over resources and power" - Lehigh supplement [3]

In my country, three million martyrs shed their blood in a liberation war, thirty-nine years ago, and...

Exactly the kind of attitude responsible for the troubles between different nations.---So true!

As an eighteen-year-old just out of high school, I probably cannot make a difference alone, but waiting for the world to change will not help either.

... people like me, for us to rise above the system and cause changes. ---how do you feel about 'facilitate change'? Not necessary, I just liked the sound of it.

This is a good essay, well written and interesting. Good luck in school and have fun!:)

Graduate / My SOP - PhD in Chemical Engineering, Process Modeling, and Mathematics [3]

This is my sincere request that you please review my SOP.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------
It is my overwhelming desire for learning, invention, and teaching that leads ‎me to continue my education towards a PhD.

... investigated the cause of popcorn polymer formation(s)? in a Butadiene plant which caused frequent plant shutdowns.

Having real work ‎experience, I now have a balanced view of my interests, potential contributions and ‎...

... find the academic environment more appealing because ‎of the high level of intellectual challenge and creativity associated with it as well...This is great writing!

Your essay is thorough and interesting, and it shows what a serious and dedicated person/student you are. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "a dysfunction hand" - Common App Essay [4]

When I fell from the horse last year, it happened in a flash but granted me a deformed fractured right hand.

I had continuously tasted the sweetness brought by ..

The thumb and forefinger seems indifferent and ignorant to the orders from mind, as though they were dumb and deaf. ----this is a great sentence!! I made a small change to it, though.

You described the process very well!

Here is another idea for you:
...but I still insisted my choice of training on continuing to train my dysfunctional hand.

In an effort to let make my fingers more powerful, I held ...

:-)

Undergraduate / FSU CARE Summer Bridge Program (as foreign as French) [2]

... although none in my family attended college, the staff opened my eyes to the possibility of attending college.

Leaving home to go to college is going to be different, and emotionally I need to be prepared for the intimidating unknown.

I am excited about starting FSU, the Advocacy and Support Services provided by the C.A.R.E. staff will help me get acquainted with personnel and accustomed to the school.

There was a time that the notion that I would attend college was as foreign to me as French; however, with hard work it has become obtainable.

As far as French goes I am now trilingual, taking two years of French in high school and practicing it all the time.

I like the exciting surprise at the end! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "There is a net around us." - Statement of Purpose UT [2]

Constantly scratching deeper and sweeping further out, searching eternally for understanding in human nature.---How about,"...an understanding of human nature"?

. A chameleon by nature, I became passionate about many subjects.---This is a great sentence, I like the way you write!

Continuing down this path was simply sticking myself in a lifestyle I didn't wish to pursue.

Now that I have found myself again, I realize this.

So this is my tumultuous chronology, The Trials and Tribulations of a Questioning Youth.---Great!!

And it's right where it always was with science,...

You are an excellent writer, and have quite an interesting way with words. Your last paragraph was especially good. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Book Reports / Critical Lens Essay of the books Of Mice and Men and A View From the Bridge / Religious Involvement [4]

This seems to me that you are just repeating yourself, making the same point over and over. Can you think of anything else to say about it? Actually, the reason you are repeating the same idea in every sentence it probably that you have not really come up with the theme of the essay yet. Pull out some quotes and citations, and based on those you can sharpen this message to the reader. You can express the idea of bringing problems to ourselves in a way that will make people gain a new insight about it.

Wait until after you write some paragraphs with citations and quotes, and then revise the 2nd half of the intro paragraph to fit the theme of the essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / The thriving Cold Cone Creamery Franchise in California [2]

The speaker avers that Cold Cone Creamery Business will...

Also, the statement further prompts people to avail themselves of the benefits of a self-owned enterprise due to flexible working hours,...

Neither the premises are sound nor is the argument compelling, as the exhortation seems be based on a result of impetuous generalization.

To begin with, while it has been mentioned that "Join the rank of successful business owners", no evidence or statistics have been provided ...

Then again, it would be preposterous to assume that an ice-cream business will thrive...

Furthermore, the statement also urges people to work for themselves, on their own time , and to retain the profits.

This statement of encouragement is weakened owing to lack of concrete data as to how much will be the percentage of profits shared by the vendors to the parent company, ...

It would also be helpful to know the exact terms and...

... whatever has been presented here is not convincing and seems to be superficial and insufficient at its best.

Writing Feedback / "the weather seemed more predictable from year to year" - Global Warming Essay [2]

The occurrence of natural disasters has increased, and seasonal weather has become irregular.

There are two sides to the question of global warming; is it...

This is the question I sought the answer to before forming my own opinion.

Although,---no comma here--- it is a natural occurring gas, it can also be induced by human activity.

In addition, ---no comma here either

You're an excellent writer! This is a very interesting essay and I'm shocked to learn about soot, as I've probably not thought of it since watching Mary Poppins! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "to found my own corporation" - info about myself, Warren Wilson Essay [2]

What made things worse, was that I wasn't an only child.

I had siblings, but I never have the chance to see them, and even then, I knew that it wasn't right that things had to be the way they were. ---This sentence is a little bit confusing, I think you should rewrite it for the sake of clarity.

My first step in life is an excellent education.

Shouldn't everyone be given the same opportunities to build those sorts of memories?

Here's all I could find to correct or for you to work on. Your essay shows how serious you are and why you're passionate about your plans for the future. Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / GMU: personally significant contributions made to community in app. ACTIVITIES AND LEADERSHIP [2]

I make beds. I escort elderly patients to the lobby where their guardians await . ---I think you have to add the word 'them' after 'await' or just write 'wait'.

..., what everyone else at the hospital does; volunteer.---Not 'everyone else' of course! Should it be something like, '...what so many of us do here;..'?

... a role my peers take on reluctantly if not by force. ---This is so funny! I like the way you write, the short sentences make it sound as if you're talking in a 'matter of fact' way.

I try to put myself in their shoes, and think of times when I was in a similar situation, so I could respond to them with something that at least resembles an answer.

nice essay!

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Is the beginning of my SOP for MS in Computer Science appealing enough? [3]

... I have decided to pursue my graduate studies at XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX in Computer Science, with a concentration towards Computer Networks.

Securing a strong performance in the All India Engineering Entrance Exam compelled me to join the prestigious...

These courses along with other Computer Science subjects as backgrounds, and their blend with my majors' courses of "Sensors and Transducers" and "Digital Techniques" has made me intensely interested in the area of Computer Networks.

------------------------------------------
With my industry experience approaching 2 years, I feel it's a graduate school that would further enrich my knowledge in Computer Networks and related areas and would fuel my passion for this field. It will open up greater launch pads for me as a researcher in this field.

In future, I look forward to working at a premier research institute or continuing my PhD in this ever-exciting area.

I think that when they read your essay, they'll know how lucky they'll be to have you as a student. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "respected businesswoman in any field" - Georgetown MCDONOUGH SCHOOL OF BUSINESS [2]

I enjoyed spending long hours thinking of creative ways to do this; figuring out who would be the target consumers for her product, and what the best method of reaching and appealing to them would be .

I then shared it with all of my Facebook friends in hopes that they would spread the word.

While this was a short-lived success, it taught me a lot about business and marketing, and led me to believe business was the only path for me to take. in life.

With my abundant social skills and excellence in mathematics, along with my drive for success,...

That was a good idea, to advertise on facebook! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" - Tulane special interest College Essay [2]

As I read through the rest of the book , I found a special meaning that I can carry with me not only at Christmas time, but year round.

Are you supposed to stop believing because your eyes tell you to ?

This story of Santa Claus has also given me hope and the knowledge that I can do and accomplish all that I want to, that anything is possible.

ThatAll ambition will blossom into something amazing, not only through hard work and a quick wit, but if you truly want it and believe in it enough to make it happen.

... because if you can't believe in your own idea, then who will?

More than all of this, "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" has made a special place in me so that I may carry around a piece of childhood quality forever, as I cross over into full adulthood and eventually old age.

I will grow up, but I will not forget the wonders of being so small and having such large, large ambition. ---I love this sentence!

Nice ending!! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "the significance of Schwarzenegger v. EMA" - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay [3]

My first thoughts on the argument , were that it's wrong to tell parents how to parent, that there are ratings and blocking mechanisms in place, and anyway, how will manufacturers decide which games are "violent."----You don't need the word 'anyway' there, but I thought it went well. :)

... possibly censoring a teen's right to view violent movies, listen to violent lyrics or even to watch violent cartoons.

Defending First Amendment rights demonstrates what is great about our country, and the Supreme Court is key in its defense.

Very interesting essay, also informative!

p.s. Call of Duty Black Ops is awesome!

:)

Undergraduate / "Access to educational styles" - Study abroad Statement of Intent: Netherlands [4]

I am a firm believer that access to a wide breadth of educational styles is essential for creating well-rounded, self-motivated professionals.

As I look forward to my senior year next year, ...How about, "As I look forward to being a senior next year,.."? That way, you won't have the word 'year' twice so close together.

Outside of the classroom, I look forward to immersing myself in Dutch culture and improving my Dutch language skills.

As these friendships have grown, my exposure to Dutch cultures has also grown.

During this trip, I hope to spend some time with an uncle who lives in Leiden, and spending New Year's Eve in Limburg.

Studying abroad in the Netherlands is a great opportunity to expand my knowledge of other cultures, and the location of University...

I can hardly believe you answered all those questions so neatly, in such a small space! Nicely done! (Except I don't remember reading anything about the housing option.)

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Poetry / LAMENTATION OF OUR BRAIN [2]

We lived, our belongings rest their bosom. ours is black, snow thy brain, thy talent rests beneath the grave.---don't forget to leave a space after commas and periods.

Our endowments pine of ---should this word be 'for'?

We requite purge tyrant for surfiet shrinking national gory.---I'm not sure of your meaning, but as 'requite' means to reward or avenge, it doesn't seem like 'purge' belongs there ... also, should 'gory' be 'glory'?

Our sage, peevish with shackles.---I like this a lot.

They press homewards with 'a' or 'the' key belonging to us.

You are a very interesting poet, keep it up! Good luck in school and have fun.

Undergraduate / "ways to cope and embrace diversities" - Carnege Mellon, The MBA Program [2]

I was too young to understand what had happened, or to connect the incident to why everyone was becoming weary of my religion.

Now, years later, I fully understand the significance of the event, and how negatively it has impacted society's views on Islam.

I've plotted out my path, and it led me to the Tepper School of Business.

In addition to wanting to help those in need, I have a passion for creating and administrating, which first grew when I started a forum two years ago.

Even if I don't create a business immediately, with the MBA program, I could take the necessary steps towards becoming a world-class entrepreneur, achieving my ultimate goals.

In the event that I join the university and my dream changes to something less risky, then at least with the MBA program,...

I can think of no other program that fits my goals more perfectly than the MBA program.

...from other cultures and societies has shaped me into who I am today, and so I want to continue to become culturally aware of other societies, ...

...business owners have the fierce responsibility of promoting meaningful and beneficial contributions to the society, and the only university that I can...

Here are a few things I found to correct. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "Haitians, Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, Africans, and Italians" - diversity commonapp [3]

Growing up, I was exposed to different cultures other than my own.

My parents worked at a clothing store in the urban streets of Newark for fifteen years.

In high school, I felt connected to the Korean community and had a burning desire to give back.

It soon became clear that an education would give me more opportunities to make a difference.

I've studied all kinds of music since the 1st grade, ranging from ...

It made me realize that I could use music, which has always been my personal passion, to benefit others.

Nice essay! You answered the prompt and didn't use a lot of unnecessary words, which is important. Good luck in school, and have fun!

:)

Scholarship / When I Grow Up.. I want to be a doctor - Pittsburgh [3]

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" It is such a typical question, yet it compels children to venture into their innocent minds and let them imagine the world full of possibilities and encouragements.---Nice opening sentence!

But how would the little ones react if they were told, "You are not talented or smart

They would be brainwashed into thinking that the world is a black hole, sucking up the potentialities and ambitions out of them.

The children nowadays are told "no" too many times, they do not need to hear it from again from their loved ones.

... in fact a bit haughty to be honest, and I believed I could accomplish anything.

Somehow my parents' unconditional encouragements and kind words became a staircase for me to finally reach maturity and grow into an independent woman.

...my parents certainly did not disappoint me, and were glad to hear I'd chosen such a sensible career - they were a bit worried after I told them about becoming a robot.---This is great!

Without their support, I would never have come to realize my calling.

Good essay! It shows you paid attention to the prompt and also your sense of humor.

Good luck in school, and have fun!

:)

Scholarship / "How did a teacher influence/inspire you?" About My AP Gov Teacher [3]

...students rushing to grab an injured green army man off of the stool so that they could give the answer.

One thing that I appreciated was how Mr. Jeffries never favored me as a student.

Well it looks like all those essays paid off, I could hardly find anything to change or correct in your essay. You're a very good writer, and this is a nice tribute to your teacher.

Good luck in school, and have fun!

:)

Essays / Early Childcare / Childhood Education Essays - which points to mention? [5]

Well, I just googled 'What are the five most important aspects of Early Childhood Education?' and there is SO much information there for you. If you just spend like 20 minutes reading through it and taking notes, your essay will practically write itself!

Undergraduate / "the camp as a milestone in my academic and social evolution" - experience, risk [2]

I was expecting the camp to be a milestone in my academic and social evolution. It became slightly more than that.---Nice opening!

During lectures like 'How to win a Nobel Prize?' and 'Enhancing C reativity by ignoring S cientific C lassifications', our creative juices overflowed.

We were inspired to 'create' and to expand knowledge. I now believe that, --no comma here.

With this lust for research and creation, I seek to integrate the objective science with the subjective literature.

Whenever I have a scuffle with my brother, or a friend has dumped me, ...

I came to know how a New Zealander loved to collect sea shells, and how much the Thai people loved their Queen.

Nice essay! They'll be able to tell by it, how lucky they'll be to have you as a student! Good luck in school and have fun!

Undergraduate / Statement of purpose - MS - Information & Engineering Technology [2]

I have a strong liking for mathematics, which prompted me to take up science and later pursue engineering.

My innate strength being lateral thinking, also my quantitative and analytical abilities, facilitated me to take up Information and Technology as major.

In my first semester, writing my first ever program in language C thrilled me, precisely to authenticate my keen interest and eagerness to learn new dimensions of IT field.

As a matter of personal preference, I invested a major part of my free time in college labs to explore and implement concepts, which gained me an edge on practical knowledge.

During my engineering course, subjects like Data...

In evaluation phase project had received number of appreciation from state wide versatile faculty base.---This sentence is not clear.

In the course of my engineering studies I was awarded the Gold Medal for educational excellence. With many more awards and recognizance, for IT subjects, ...

Good luck in school! They'll be lucky to have you as a student!

:)

Undergraduate / "to major in Astronomical science; anything and everything, irregular" [4]

A tiny atom,'endless heat & density', explodes with an indescribable force, causing the expansion of the universe.---Make sure you leave a space after each sentence, or period.

Was this the evolution This isn't the word you want here, you just want to know if this is fact, or just a story. That's not evolution though. or a just a theory ?

I 'm confused , whom should I trust---also leave a space after commas.

I find that I 'm not even a puny pee-wee in this gargantuan universe, which leaves me with many questions, and a wish to explore the answers, therefore, I will have to major in Astronomical science,...

Here are a few things I found to correct. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "Music Technology" - DUQUESNE COLLEGE ESSAY!! [2]

Ever since I was a small child growing up in Ypsilanti Michigan, one of the many things that was constant in my life, was the sound of music flowing through my ears and through my mind.===Great opening sentence!

I grew up listening to not only jazz, although one of my favorite genres, but also a blend of reggae, rock, and many other types of music.

Early in my life I began to embrace the art of music and picked up an alto saxophone for the first time in 4th grade.

Although I struggled at first, I began to understand and I became better at it.

I believe that music has the true ability to instill our emotions in the music no matter what genre.

I am Christian and also volunteer with in church activities.

I've gotten several recommendations that Duquesne University had one of the best music programs in the area and I would like to learn from the best.

I am not sure of the career path I wish to take, but I believe it can be found in Music Technology.

Because of this, I wish to attend Duquesne University and major in music technology.

You essay is fine and the whole last paragraph is absolutely great! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / How's my FIT application essay for Fashion Merchandising Management? [5]

When I first started working ther e, I felt like I should take advantage of what was given to me by my parents .

Most people would be happy to be so fortunate as to have what I did, but I realized I wanted to build my own life, by doing something I loved.---I changed this a little, but it might not be exactly what you were trying to say.

I spend so much of my time trying to educate myself on the forever changing trends of fashion, I might as well have a career in it.

For the past 3 years, I've worked for my parent's electrical construction company as Vice President/General Manager.

I believe my sister will be ready take over my position soon, giving me the opportunity to follow my passion.

One of the many reasons why I fell in love with fashion is because it has given my high self-esteem an extra boost.

Life is too short to not being doing something you are not passionate about. ---Great!

Good essay, and good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / "to practice medicine on my own" - writing my life goal essay, for 1 - 3 - 5 years [2]


This is kind of like saying that going into a book store makes me really want to read. You would sound much more serious and focused, if you narrow it down.

When a person helps others, they meet their physical and emotional needs.---Should this say something like, 'A good doctor is one who treats both physical and emotional...'

Every time i do so it will help me get a step closer to my dream.

After finishing the internship then i will become certified by a national organization of my specialty and licensed by the state to practice medicine on my own. That will give me a basic idea of what I am going to be facing later on This part wastes a lot of words and does not say much. You should use fewer words and say one specific thing.

That is often a helpful strategy: say specific things, even if they seem less significant in their specificity.

Specific things make an impression on the reader. :-)

when i practice my career. I think you have to say, "...when I practice medicine." It is okay to express confidence in your intention to practice medicine.

Undergraduate / "Not an ordinary life" - VCU Page 87 of my Autobiography [3]

On the flight to Haiti, there were two nuns, four journalists, and my family. Enough said.---This is great writing!

To this day, there's no better feeling than fighting to put the ball at the back of the net.

On the weekends, I lived in the pool in my back yard .

Aside from sports, I lived a typical American childhood , catching fire flies in July and building snow forts in January with my friends.

Colombia also took away my fairytale view of the world, and opened my eyes to poverty and war.

You're an amazing writer, and have quite a wonderful way with words and a great sense of humor; "On the weekends, I lived in the pool in my backyard." and ".. every recess I was the only skirt running up and down the dirt soccer field, pushing the boys down and scoring goals." Good luck in school, and have fun!

:)