Graduate / I hope to continue to work in physics; SOP for pursuing Physics at Cornell [3]


This sentence is incomplete - you start with "Although", but you haven't told us the other idea.


You haven't talked about your interest in engineering earlier. You have only said that you were interested in electrical motors. That is not enough :(


I guess you should combine these two paragraphs because the second one seems like a continuation.

Graduate / Letter to faculty professor about applying for MS Computer Engineering [4]

I do not find any problem with the letter you have written. I am surprised that you got 61 only for TOEFL because if you wrote that letter yourself, then you have good writing skills that do not justify your TOEFL score :D Also, I have no idea about how you can make an impression about you with this letter as it is outside the application process. Anyways, this letter is fine in terms of grammar and content.

Undergraduate / "Management of drainage systems"; Lehigh Supp [6]

If my video would hit the millionth mark then that video would be entitledtitled "Management of drainage systems".


During rainy season, walking along the streets in Kathmandu can be horrible experience.


You hardly can escape from the pools of water that overflow from drains on the road in the days that have heavy downpours.


I think you should have expressed this severity of this issue with a more negative tone.

Undergraduate / I CALL IT A REVELATION; common application essay [5]


"black sheep" or the "odd one"? "black sheep" means a member of a family or group who is regarded as a disgrace to it. So, black sheep is generally associated with notorious activities and this is not something about such things, isn't it? I think this is something odd.


An year later, after all the guilt and regrets faded away,


This gift of mine soon became a major botheration to me.


.... was this happening on annual basis?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Some people prefer to work for a large company; international conferences [3]


... this is good for the hook :)


.... this is the section you explain the reader about the background of the issue. It is not well presented. Rephrase the prompt with your own words and use it to introduce the issue to the reader.

Writing Feedback / Charity began at home - helping others essay [3]


Charity is about helping people either with money or other forms of aids such as medicine, clothes and services.


... What does this mean? I don't get your point :(
I don't understand the purpose you wrote this essay. It is good if you mentioned that in your title.

Undergraduate / I love to learn about Sola system & Universe; Urbana champaign essay - interest in major [4]


These two ideas are very very close and I feel you should combine both of them and make one sentence.


In fact I feel this would provide you a better hook for this response. Why not begin with this sentence? It speaks of your interest in astronomy so well :)

I think you should talk more about your experience in this field and future goals. You talk a lot about your passion, but it is also important to tell them what you did to pursue your passion and what you intend to reach at the end.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Workers in traditional industry (doctors, nursing and teachers) [7]

Yes, this is much better than what you wrote previously. :)


People hold beliefs / People believe


On the other hand, the sports and movie stars are as important as professionals like doctors, nurses and teachers for the betterment of our community.

Nowadays, people not only need heath care and schooling, but also need some activities such as exercising and watching a movie to relax themselves because both of which are helpful for them to keep healthy in physical and mental healthphysically and mentally . [/quote]

Writing Feedback / Humankind is interested to imitate novel things, since he opened his eyes in this world [6]

youhold an opinion
Also, I prefer if this fits in with the structure I suggested to you above. Conclude your introduction with a sentence that clearly express your view. This is it;


You need to refine the structure of your introduction :)

Writing Feedback / ''TOEFL'' any children can be an expert in every distinct of creativeness because of technology [4]

Include the prompt in your essay so that others get the exact idea that your prompt speaks of. It helps you earn more meaningful feedbacks too. :)


I don't find much meaning here. It is not aligned with your topic too. Your prompt asks you whether children have become less creative due to the influence of technology. You need to deal with this issue in its original sense. That's why I (in your previous thread) asked you to explain the background of the issue to the reader.

Undergraduate / PEEDA; Rice supp- extracurricular activities or work experiences [8]


My interest in the field of engineering got me to volunteer at PEEDA(People's Energy and Environment Development Association), an NGO that ?????? (tell what its objective is)


I find this sentence adding no value for your response. You should have showed that it helped you a lot through your experiences with PEEDA.


This too :(
Tell what you did there, - give a brief description of type of projects you were involved with, what you learned academically plus for life

Writing Feedback / IELTS letter- apologise to your friend for not being able to meet him/her [5]


Well ... these lines have several issues. First, they lack clarity and sound confusing :(


... What does this mean? what did you receive from your friend? Or is this what you want to say;
I was pleased to receive your letter.


.... this is too very confusing :(


This is bad news for him, so you need to say that very politely and diplomatically so that he would not be hurt. Show this person how sorry you feel for not being able to meet him. The above sentence is pretty abrupt and sounds a bit rude too.

Writing Feedback / Private funding for education may encourage citizens to become less dependent on a governments [6]

You are welcome daniel :)
I know you are new and here's some forum rules for you to follow with your next thread :). Have a meaningful topic title for your essay- this will help you earn more feedbacks too :)

You write very well. I only wish you replaced the following line with a sentence that clearly express your position on the issue;


It's nicer when you conclude the introduction with your opinion. That helps you take the reader in your desired direction.

Writing Feedback / Toefl; Self studying or studying with a teacher? [4]


Learning is very important for the people to prosper in life, however, the most important things in this process is that the type of learning method.


These ways provide people with various options of learning in terms of easiness and interest.


research can be done with the guidance of the professor (teacher ) too.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Some of the methods used in advertising are unethical and unacceptable in today`s [4]

Well .... I did suggest you to follow a structure in one of my previous comments. It is this Hook, Background and your opinion on the argument. What you have written above is not well aligned with this structure. Hope you follow the one I suggested because it can earn you marks :)

Writing Feedback / "A father's influence in his daughter's life: ; Every Girl Needs Her Dad [3]


Many women who grow up without a farther figure around them. feel the need for a man's love more.


... the corresponding word for they is them.
she - her / he- is/ we- us/ they - them


Throughout my life, my father has been my inspiration and the ardent supporter, be there are bumps, obstacles or mountains.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] contribution of scientists have value more than contribution of artists [2]


.... This should be a hook statement which can grab the reader's attention instantly. However, this sentence does not sound very meaningful because not only nowadays, even in the past both science and art had great benefits to our society and it is an all time case!

Both art and science play an important role for the betterment of any society.


This sentence is poorly constructed - society then become a nation / clarity needs more improvement;
However, their level of contribution to society vary and in my personal view, I believe science makes a more important contribution in contrast to art .

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Pay attention to preserve culture and environment [8]

Ok :) Let's take your intro;

.... you have a good hook and also you introduce the background very well.... However, you do not clearly state your position on the issue... Conclude your intro with a clear statement of your position.


... this sentence is pretty confusing. Your idea does not flow clearly and I cannot figure out what is the reason you use to justify your position. You better rephrase this line.

Writing Feedback / Teenagers have job while they are still student; bad effects on their education [9]


Better say what period of life is more important than the other.
Youth is the most important period in anyone's life.


Your topic is not about evaluating ages... you should not go out of topic and strictly stay with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Workers in traditional industry (doctors, nursing and teachers) [7]


... this sentence has several issues;
doctors are professionals and not an industry.... doctors, nursing, teaching are professions and not industries.
should receive
sportsmen and entertainers receive higher salaries and not sports and entertainment


This is not what your prompts speaks about .... it asks you whether it is reasonable for the sports guys to earn more than doctors and teachers.... tell either you agree or disagree or partly agree. Don't take your writing away from the prompt....stay with the prompt!

Writing Feedback / International pollution issues such as the energy shortage and global warming [3]


... increasing and deteriorating? this sentence is pretty confusing and does not deliver a clear meaning :(


According to some people, these issues are too advance for an individual to act upon them in view of solving them.


Your try to construct too complicated sentences with too many inappropriate words.... Remember, clarity is more important than everything else in essay writing. my advice for you is to construct simple and interesting sentences with the words you are familiar with.

Scholarship / Changing curriculum was an academic challenge for me [2]

Hi
First I have a small admin request for you - Please select the right forum when you open a thread for your essay. This was opened in Writing Feedback and I moved it to Scholarship Essays which is the most appropriate forum. This is not just a forum rule, but also helps you earn more feedbacks. :)


This first sentence and the second means almost just the same. I think you should not drag on this idea too much and with one line you should have managed saying it.

Well... you say it's been a challenge, but it seems your stress been released from the former to latter... So, nothing much has been said about for us to see it's been a challenge. If you say it was a challenge then you need to tell them what were those challenges, were you loaded with day to day assignments that you didn't experience in the previous system? or you had to keep doing homework everyday ? This does not give the impression that you had any challenges in the later system... Being exposed to a more lenient system is not actually a challeng.

Writing Feedback / Humankind is interested to imitate novel things, since he opened his eyes in this world [6]


This is not necessary to say. It's good to conclude the introduction with a statement that explains your opinion.

Writing Feedback / I stood gazing at the dilapidated house [2]


As I stood gazing at the dilapidated house, I shivered as though ice had replace my spine. ... I changed punctuation.
I was stood at the end of the eerie pathway, looking nervouslytowardsat the house nervously .
After I gained my confidancedconfidence


which looked as if somebody used to sleep there.

Undergraduate / My liberal attitude; Why Yale? - architecture and communication [3]


This is all you have talked about Yale, but your prompt asks you;


So, they need to know why you need to get into Yale, in particular instead of trying other universities. What differentiates Yale from others in your mind? You need to answer that question here. Study about Yale some more and come up with its features that you find only in Yale.

Book Reports / Book report-Change [2]

What is the purpose of this writing?

Undergraduate / "Everybody is a genius"; Why Fashion Institute of Technology (Merchandising)? [3]


Nice quote :D


Why this doctor and lawyer in particular? Did your family want you to be one of them? You better tell the reader why you specifically had those two professions mentioned.


This is strong :) .... I like those lines :)


I feel you have answered the prompt well... I like this response .... your express your passion, talent and also the vision that what you want to be and how FIT would help you achieve that. Good job!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People from different countries have various customs and behaviors [3]


.... you can improve the presentation of this idea;
Customs and traditions differ from nation to nation and all of them possess unique values.


It is better you introduce the issue in its original form;
However, in today's globalized world where people frequently visiting other countries different to their origin, it is argued that such visitors should follow the local traditions and customs. this is the background of your issue.

Now conclude the introduction with a statement that expresses your opinion.

Writing Feedback / Countries should not isolate themselves from the world but instead engage other countries. [8]

That's fine .... we generally tell the rules of this forum to the newbies so that they start following them with their new threads. That's the way we regulate this forum :D

Well, you still haven't said the purpose of this writing to us.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Tradations and money-making attractions aimed at tourists [7]


Well.... in the introduction you need to introduce the title in its original sense. This prompt says;


Here the focus is not how culture and traditions would be affected by using them for generating income in the tourist industry. Let me do a sample introduction for you;

Tourism, without any doubt, helps boost a country's economy. (this is your hook and then you need to link it to the background of the issue and introduce it to the reader)

It is often seen that many host nations use their culture and traditions to attract tourists and generate income out of them. However, some people view this as a threat that leads to losing the cultural identity of the host nation by catering for the perceived needs of tourists. (this is the background of the issue)

Now state your opinion on this;
I personally believe that ???????

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Tradations and money-making attractions aimed at tourists [7]


Your entire introduction fails to contain the aspect of tourism which is the key point as per the prompt;



This sentence sounds pretty stereotype. You need to tell the reader how this happens if you believe it is so.
Overall, this is essay is good, but you need to pay attention when you are presenting ideas.

Writing Feedback / When students evaluate their teachers, teachers can know what they need to improve themselves [4]


This is not so good at introducing this issue to the reader.
There are several ways that can be used to assess the teachers' performance. Some believe that students are the best set of people to evaluate teachers' performance because they are the first hand recipients of teachers' services.


.... "theirselves" is wrong and it should be "themselves".... Also, I find this sentence lacks much ground because teachers may not come to know how their students evaluated them. It all depends on the particular education system.

Writing Feedback / Internships are required for university students in order to graduate. [3]


To begin with, internships provide university students with excellent oppportunities for work related learning experiences that help them develop many important life skills while acquiring valuable knowledge.


First, the internships enable students to put into practice what they learned in the classroom and deal with more complex practical situations.

Writing Feedback / A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people [2]


meat contains protein mostly and not vitamins. :D
Well... this is the essay structure we suggest for this type of topics;

Undergraduate / The problem and damage of immigrants in big centers. [2]


This situation leads to low wages while increasing unemployment rate due to higher supply in the labor market.


On the other hand, the growing demand for accommodation and limited availability of houses and apartments lead to sky rocketing house rents.



The connection how government revenues deplete when illegal households are built is not expressed clearly.

Graduate / SOP for MS in CS with Text Minining, Information Retreival, NLP focus [4]


This has some relevance to what I mentioned because it tends to express your passion. However, tell them how it all started and made influenced you to nurture that passion. Then cut down on too much details with regard to your work experience. That may bore them rather than impressing them. You have got other places to talk about them in detail.


This is something you should elaborate more on. They would want to know what you intend to do in future and how this program will assist you in doing so. This is one of the very important aspects of SOP for which you may not get much opportunity to talk about in other parts of your application.

Undergraduate / My running experience -Common App #2 "Learning from failure" [5]


In the crowds of thousands of people, I stood with my team and ready to launch.


This does not flow well.... I feel you better rephrase that part.


.... This is too very confusing to me


Running is not about defeating your competitors, but about winning our own self by defeating our fears away.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Many people prefer to rent a house rather than buying one- advantages/disadvantages [4]

This is a poor introduction of your prompt. You literally haven't introduced it at all... There is nothing said about buying a house instead you have mentioned about paying a lone which is not the primary focus of your prompt. Though you expect that it implies the primary idea of buying a house, not every person would go for a housing loan to buy a house. So, don't narrow down the scope of your topic. You should always try to keep a very good alignment with your topic. Otherwise your writing would go out of topic.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-task1-the table below gives information related to population growth... [7]


The given table illustrates how the population growth ....
Follow this structure for this task;
1. Introduction - what you've done is good
2. Overview - Tell the major trends very briefly - do not have statistics here.
3. Details - Explain trend in more detail with statistics.

Graduate / I need to differentiate myself; PFA of SOP draft for MS applications [5]

Well.... I don't find many important features that a SOP is generally expected to carry in this one. You don't talk about how your passion for this field developed, I mean adequately. SOP is the best document that you can let those admission guys know you as a person. It should not sound like a list of your achievements or experience. You can talk about them there, no issue. But the priority should be given to have yourself in the centere. Tell them about your interest in the field, how keenly you pursued them and what your future goals and how this program would help you achieve them.