Graduate / Creating a Black Box for automobiles; SOP [3]

I think this is general knowledge and they may not be interested in them. They are more interest in knowing about you as a person. You display your passion in the field, but in my view it is not adequate. This the best opportunity for you to say as much about you as a person, your proudest accomplishments alongside your fondest hopes and dreams. So, have your passionate hook more focused on you.

Undergraduate / My parents are my support - WORLD I COME FROM [5]

Here's a guideline for answering this question;
1. Remember what "influence" means.

Influence is defined as, "the action or process of producing effects on the actions, behavior, opinions, etc., of another..." The fact that you admire someone doesn't necessarily mean they've influenced you. There needs to be some action or change in your actions, behavior or opinions. That means you'll need to give specific examples of those things. Deciding to improve your behavior in school, visiting a particular college you previously refused to see, spending more time volunteering at the soup kitchen-if you did those things because of someone else, that's influence.

2. Don't choose this prompt to try to sound impressive.

The Common Application actually gives you five choices of essay prompts. A lot of students who choose this one write about a famous activist, politician, or someone else notable in an effort to sound impressive. Again, you have to remember what "influence" means. The admissions committee doesn't need to be convinced that Martin Luther King or Gandhi are admirable. Unless you can point to specific examples of how someone famous really has affected your actions, behavior or opinions, choose someone else (or chose a different topic).

3. Focus on the influence, not the person.

The exact wording of the question is, "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence." The subtext there is that you shouldn't spend the entire essay describing why this person is so wonderful. Spend the essay talking about you-your behavior, actions and beliefs-and how those have changed or strengthened as a result of this person's influence.

4. Write an essay nobody else could write.

An essay about how your mother has inspired you to work hard is a nice essay. But it will read exactly like hundreds of other students' essays. Instead, be specific. Give details. Write an essay that no other student could write. And if it's about your mom, give enough specific examples so that nobody else's essay about their own mother will be quite like yours.

You can find even more advice in our video, "How to Write Great College Essays." It's $12.99 and available as a streaming download.

Writing Feedback / Economic growth is defined as an increase in the number of goods and services produced in one year [5]

Therefore, many people argue that the nation's success isshould be measured by its economic progress.
Education is one of vital factors to contribute to development of a country
With highly educated, talented employees, companies could achieve more success by increasing their productivitieslevel of productivity.
However, I believe that there are many other factors tohelp estimate country's success such as education level of nation, health care system, and country's infrastructure's development.

Undergraduate / 'I go to Sir Ernest MacMillan' participate in International Baccalaureate program? [2]


I am Harry Li, currently studying at Sir Ernest MacMillan Public school. I believe I belong to the IB community. .... however, I feel you better make the latter statement late in this response after you convince them that you can well fit in IB community.


You better discuss your goals and IB's capabilities in helping you achieve them by citing a few features of IB. That way is more convincing.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] learning a foreign language in my own country or anther country [4]


...this sentence is not grammatically correct. The right forms are;
Knowing foreign language is becoming more and more important
Knowing foreign language becomes more and more important
Knowing foreign language has become more and more important



This is really not necessary as the reader expects you to do that in the body paras.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Nuclear energy is a better source of power for today's global energy needs. [3]


This is a good hook statement.


... both these sentences end abruptly. Give them neat finish. Also, you should make a clear statement that explains your position. The last line in your introduction is not very clear about this.

There is no doubt you can write well. However, you need to pay more attention to the essay structure.

Graduate / Essay for PT School. does it sound to cliche or romanticised? [2]


If there is one thing I remember in my teenage years, it is those enjoyable sessions watching soccer games, in particular when the English Premier League played with my father and brother.


... "one thing" sounds repetitive.
...but what caught my attention the most had been the physiotherapist who attended to the players when they go injured.


However, it was my mother who influenced me to take that direction.

Undergraduate / Building leadership skills (UC personal statement) [3]

I read your full response and it sounds pretty interesting. However, I feel you should have talked more about that experience (how you handled that situation and how you displayed your leadership skills) because it is a good opportunity for you to convince them about your leadership skills. Also, it is the focus of this question too. :)

Scholarship / NTU Scholarship Essay - 'What My Wushu Coach Has Taught Me' [5]


I think you should be more creative in presenting your response. You could have begun your essay with one of your experiences you had with him. Read through this guide line which I found from a website, I hope it would be very helpful for you;

1. Remember what "influence" means.
Influence is defined as, "the action or process of producing effects on the actions, behavior, opinions, etc., of another..." The fact that you admire someone doesn't necessarily mean they've influenced you. There needs to be some action or change in your actions, behavior or opinions. That means you'll need to give specific examples of those things. Deciding to improve your behavior in school, visiting a particular college you previously refused to see, spending more time volunteering at the soup kitchen-if you did those things because of someone else, that's influence.

2. Don't choose this prompt to try to sound impressive.
The Common Application actually gives you five choices of essay prompts. A lot of students who choose this one write about a famous activist, politician, or someone else notable in an effort to sound impressive. Again, you have to remember what "influence" means. The admissions committee doesn't need to be convinced that Martin Luther King or Gandhi are admirable. Unless you can point to specific examples of how someone famous really has affected your actions, behavior or opinions, choose someone else (or chose a different topic).

3. Focus on the influence, not the person.
The exact wording of the question is, "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence." The subtext there is that you shouldn't spend the entire essay describing why this person is so wonderful. Spend the essay talking about you-your behavior, actions and beliefs-and how those have changed or strengthened as a result of this person's influence.

4. Write an essay nobody else could write.
An essay about how your mother has inspired you to work hard is a nice essay. But it will read exactly like hundreds of other students' essays. Instead, be specific. Give details. Write an essay that no other student could write. And if it's about your mom, give enough specific examples so that nobody else's essay about their own mother will be quite like yours.

Undergraduate / WORLD OF COMPETITION ; World I come from [3]



... I changed punctuation.


Yes, I see this is a good attempt, yet I feel you should have been more specific about the "world". Where is it that you truly live? What really makes up your "world"? From this essay what is more prominent is that the "competitive environment" which is too general. Make it more specific, choose one such place and have it as the center of your story. Otherwise this response would not be well aligned with what they want to know about you.

Undergraduate / My dad built a kayak; SOP- SAIC - Statement of purpose [4]


..."built" is the past tense of "build".


I still remember my excitement while watching him progressing with sleek wooden boat in his shop.

Undergraduate / "The Building Blocks in Reaching my Goal"- UIUC Prompt [3]


The hospital with painful screams of sick children is not a new scene to me because I was frequently in and out of it with my younger brother who was prone to having a seizure at any given moment at any given day or place. I had to take my turns of looking after him quite often.


... what were those concerns? If you mention that, then you need to tell the reader what they are.


I needed to ensure he was not dehydrated.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] The advantages and disadvantages of building a large factory near community. [5]



...Give more focus to the main point;
Environment pollution is what that negatively affects the lives of people in the community .


Turning to consider the advantages in case of the rural area, the factory or a plant may give people more convenience.
You need to include specific examples in body paragraphs :)

Undergraduate / BELIEVE IN YOU to be successful; FIT [2]

First, what is the prompt for this response. Without seeing that it is difficult to understand what it requires. Include that in the next thread and that helps you earn more meaningful comments.


... In the first two sections there is a connection, but it is destroyed in the last section. You better re-phrase this sentence.


I grew up with my grandmother who was very conservative in thinking and a person of old school.


She was keen on making me more academically successful and never liked the idea of my being in fashion world,

Undergraduate / "An empty mind is a devil's home"; Harvard supplemental-letter to my futture roommate [5]

Well.... in this task you have lots of freedom to express yourself in the way you desire. However, I feel you need to balance things you say. That is why I gave you the above suggestion.


I think the above line is bit too much. You show extreme boldness in this response. However, you have to play the diplomacy card too.... So don't let it gives an impression that you would be a headache to your room mate. Especially the above line is a bit too harsh at the end.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Books can lead us and give a heads up on some topics [5]


...They teach things that we don't know also


This is your introduction. In that you should not give examples and let body paragraphs to contain them. Here you should introduce the prompt only.

It is good if you include the purpose of your writing (IELTS, TOEFL etc.) in the title so that it helps us align our comments with task related requirments.

Undergraduate / UM Application- A nomad's home (harsh criticism valued) [3]


I remember how weakly my freshman heart dropped at the thought of I am in trouble.


First days of school are generally filled with sobs of kids when their parents were leaving them.


My parents were hard working immigrants with little time for family.
Well.... you started the essay with some incident, however I couldn't find any reference to what happened next. :(

Undergraduate / My Mother, my idol; University of Florida; meaningful event, experience or accomplishment [3]

Well.... I find your response is not very much in line with the prompt. It sounds more like you are writing about a person who had a major influence on you. Have you got the topics mixed up by any chance?

The first full paragraph sounds just like that. I feel it is better if you re-do this if this is the response for this prompt.

Undergraduate / "An empty mind is a devil's home"; Harvard supplemental-letter to my futture roommate [5]


The very first thing I'd want to do is that to apologize inadvance for all the frolics and pranks I am going to play with you for next four years.


I am pretty mischievous and my mind is always busy with making plans to tease whoever who is around me.


.... Sommya is you name, right?
Well.... you tell him that you are going to be so mischievous and you literally make this guy scared :D .... So at one point, you better tell the fellow the good side about you. Tell him that although your nature is such, you do not mean to harm anybody or something like that :D

Writing Feedback / Books? The knowledge learned from experience will remain in our minds better [4]

Include the prompt with your essay when you open the next thread so that we know what it really expects from you. Also, I believe this is written for IELTS or TOEFL. Include the purpose in your essay title :)


This is a good paragraph in terms of structure and ideas. However, the last sentence is confusing and your ideas is not properly delivered to the reader. Better re-phrase that line. Also, try to write short sentence limiting one idea per sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay, Advantages and disadvantages living in a house and apartment [5]


... why do you say modern countries? Countries are the same old ones. There can be modern cities, but not modern countries.


...pay attention to grammar.


.... this is very confusing. You need to write a sentence that clearly states your opinion.


First, the most prominent benefit of living in one's own house is that it is much more spacious than an apartment unit.

Undergraduate / My love for Electronics and Computers - CA- Why Georgia Tech? [2]


to be with creative, open-minded and culturally diverse people.


You give a list of things that you presume you would be able to experience at Georgia Tech. However, I like if you cited some features of Georgia Tech and linked these things to them. It gives them an impression that you've done your homework.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay : Most important character [4]


This is your prompt and let see how you have introduced it to the reader in your introduction;


I find that you have not really got the idea what your prompt suggests. Your prompt asks you what you think as most important characteristics that a person need to have to be successful in life. It really does not refer to any good or bad characteristics, but asks you what you think are the ones that help one be successful. You do not deal with this task in your introduction.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] experiences that have shaped your outlook and the way you live [4]


Well.... I see a few points to comment here ; First, I like if your hook sounds more general. e.g. Our experiences are instrumental in changing the way we think. . Second, I think you should not have any examples in the introduction. Body paragraphs are the ones that deal with them. After the hook, you briefly mention about the experiences that changed your outlook and the way you live now. And then in the body paras, you take them one by one and elaborate more on them with examples.

Undergraduate / "Culture pitted against culture" - UC app- World you come from [3]


I really like the way you have presented this... good job :)


... this one sounds a bit confusing for me. I like if you re-phrase this sentence.


Silent judgments, sarcastic remarks were regular occurrences in this chapter of my life irrespective of which community I had myself in.
Good job! I enjoyed reading it :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Studying a foreign language at primary school is very advantageous! [6]


Don't narrow down the scope of your topic. It speaks of a foreign language and nothing specifically about English. You can have English your examples, however,in the introduction you need to introduce the topic it is real sense.


.... thre are some grammar issues;
First, it is said that children's mind is like a blank page.


My view is slightly different - Children are free from responsibilities and other social bareers to a great extent compared to adults. This enables them to concentrate better in learning a foreign language.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Is economic progress only way of measuring Country's Success? Add health care and education [4]


Here you need to give the reason as to why you consider improved medical facilities are a good measurement for deciding the economic development of a country. Your topic is focused on that and in your body paragraphs you must discuss how those factors (which you selected) would be important measurements.

Secondly, the literacy level of the people is an important factor that determines how developed an economy is.

Undergraduate / Being on a basketball court; College Essay - Place Where I'm Most Content [2]


I looked around, many known faces in the crowd cheered in their fullest capacity encouraging us to win the game.


Instead of trying to force a shot, he looked desperately towards his teammates


For many, a basketball court wouldn't be an ideal place for relaxing and feel content because of cacophony of noises in the court and spectators are often tensed over the performance of their favored team.

Scholarship / scholarship - family relations and my achievements [3]


Well, I think the important points here are that you grew up in a different country other than your origin ( this is what implied) without having any association with your extended families and your immediate family has so much influence on you. So, I feel it is a bit overly expressed in the above. For many people, it is their family that influence their well being the most. So, my suggestion is skim the important points and shorten the above para.

Undergraduate / Leadership experience within your professional field [3]

It happened to be in Dera Ismail Khan Pakistan mosques, a religious place of Muslims were attacked by suicide bombers in 2003.


The reason why those worship places were attacked had been that the people praying inside them were from a particular sect of Islam whom the Islamic fundamentalists do not recognize as proper Islamic followers.


Not only did those suicide bombers take so many lives, but also they did nurture hatred, rage, fear and misunderstandings among people.

Writing Feedback / Abortion Controversey -some choices come with consequences [3]


When you come across a broad topic like abortion you really need to ponder.


At which point the baby would enjoy human rights?
When a woman gets an abortion it's not as considered an illegal crime, but a spiritual crime.


In my view there are multiple reasons why a woman would opt for abortion.

Undergraduate / I barely have time to breathe; Perfectly Content [3]

I too find that there are some issues with your flow :( It does not flow smoothly. You need to establish a better connection between sentences.


I think you consume too many words and sentences to tell the reader the background of why you need to be there in that relaxed environment. However, you need to the same having the place as the focus because your prompt revolves around that point.

Writing Feedback / Tv advertising is not good, agree or dis agree (IELTS) [7]

:) Well I am not an examiner dear and therefore I do not know how to give you a score. If you want to have some idea about how they go about giving you scores, you can have a look at the following links. They may be helpful. However, my advice for you is to concentrate on writing more and more essays while reading others' essays written on similar topics. That would help you pick up points and also certain phrases. Do your best to prepare for the exam and be less worried about scores :D

ielts.org/PDF/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf

Undergraduate / Legacy,pride,challenge,pursuit of something great; Air Force Academy "why attend?" [3]


Standing in my blues proudly representing my country and my confidence and readyness to face the world


but the academy life would prove my true potential and capacity.


In the end I aim to become someone admirable and worthy


Yes, impressive writing and a powerful essay :)

Writing Feedback / Tv advertising is not good, agree or dis agree (IELTS) [7]

I don't what you mean. I asked only to include your topic with the essay for us to understand what it requires from you. :)


....this needs to be reorganized;
First, a company can grab the attention of masses through its TV commercials.


For example, a recent study of Dhaka University found that TV commercials are the most popular media of advertising over all other types of media.


... You start with a capital letter and then use capital letters only for names.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Which is better: one, two close friends - a large number of casual acquaintances? [2]


First, this sentence is too very long and it really disturbs its flow. Second, you have not introduced any argument to be in agreement or disagreement. You have only said that there are differing preferences. So, this sentence is not really getting connected with the previous one. However, up to this point, your introduction flowed very well :)


... this sounds illogical because relationship is something between two individuals. So having many friends means you have many relationships, but not that one particular relationship gets enhanced.

First, having a lot of friends help one gain more networking opportunities.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Random roommate or roommate you choose, which one is better? [5]


I may gel well with some people, but not with everybody.


Well, I don't find a good alignment between your introduction and the topic. In fact it tends to deviate from the topic until the last line. I have already suggested you a structure for the introduction of this task and wish you follow it.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] marry someone who is similar to you, rather than someone who is different [5]


Choosing someone to be your marriage is an important decision that makes you committed to that bond for life time.


... Well, I feel it now time for you to start introducing the argument. I don't find this sentence add much value to your essay and in fact I find it's disturbing your flow.



Lots of errors;
I prefer to marry someone who is different from me.

Writing Feedback / Some Governments and Businesses prohibit smoking.Do you agree or disagree [5]


Smoking is quite a popular trend among people world over.


Some people think that people should have the right to decide about their smoking habit, whilehowever, I believe that it is very dangerous and harmful habit.


... This is what you call passive smoking. The people who do not smoke as a habit also inhale a certain percentage of harmful smoke and become passive smokers.

Graduate / I was an average student during my High school ; SOP - MS Automotive Engineering [2]

Have they given you a particular format for this SOP? If not, I feel having sub headings may not be a very bright idea as for me it disturbs your flow.